Coming out…again? From Lesbian to Trans Man

This episode is where everything starts to shift. We’re going all the way back—before the labels, before the language, before any of this made sense—to talk about Ryann’s earliest memories, identity, and what it felt like growing up without the words to explain it. From being labeled a “tomboy” in the 90s to that first holy shit moment of realizing “I’m a lesbian,” this episode walks through what it’s like to figure yourself out in a world that doesn’t reflect you back.

But this story doesn’t stop at coming out. Years later—married, with kids, and a life already built—things started to shift again. What began as curiosity during COVID turned into something deeper: questioning identity, discovering trans stories online, and realizing there might be more beneath the surface. We talk about the slow unraveling of that realization, the fear of what it could mean for our marriage and family, and the internal battle between staying safe and being fully seen.

We also get into the decision to pursue top surgery, what that process looked like, and the unexpected truth that followed: even after surgery, something still didn’t feel complete. That realization opened the door to an even bigger shift—one that led to hormone therapy, redefining identity, and navigating what it means to transition later in life. This isn’t a clean, linear story—it’s messy, emotional, and real in a way that so many people will recognize, whether you’re in the LGBTQ+ community or not.

This episode is Part 1 of Ryann’s transition story—focusing on the internal journey, the denial, the fear, and the moments that quietly change everything. In the next episode, we’ll get into what happens when those internal shifts become external—coming out, telling the kids, and how it all actually unfolds.

New episodes drop every Wednesday. Follow the show so you don’t miss what’s next, and find us on Instagram to be part of the conversation. We’d love to hear your questions!

Julie is a podcast manager who helps people tell the stories they’ve been too scared to share. If you’ve been thinking about starting a podcast… this is your sign. https://juliebeckllc.com/

Transcript

SPEAKER_04 0:05

I'm Ryan. I'm Julie. And this is the stories we leave you.

SPEAKER_02 0:11

Welcome back. Today we are talking about Ryan's transition story.

SPEAKER_04 0:17

Dun dun dun. All right, folks. You haven't heard the word on the street? I am a trans man.

SPEAKER_02 0:25

Shock horror. Let's start from the very, very beginning. Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle, twinkle. Back to your childhood.

SPEAKER_04 0:38

My childhood. What about it?

SPEAKER_02 0:41

I mean, let's start with what were like what are some of the earliest memories you have of, I don't know, feeling like, oh, maybe I'm a boy, or maybe I'm not a girl, or I don't know, just anything that would give you any clues.

SPEAKER_04 0:58

I mean, first of all, like people have to understand that the vocabulary wasn't there. Yeah. And the exposure wasn't there. I mean, growing up primarily in the 90s was basically I was a tomboy. I had all guy friends. I mean, I I had some I had some friends that were girls, but I gravitated towards playing with boys.

SPEAKER_02 1:23

Well, and you had a brother and he had a lot of boy cousins.

SPEAKER_04 1:27

Yeah, I mean, I would say my brother wasn't like, you know, like he he wasn't super into sports and like we didn't really play together in a, you know, but much. But my point of mentioning that is just that you had a lot of boys in your circle and you Yeah, I mean I was the only girl in the family, you know, so I feel like there was a an expectation already set for me to be like super girly. Like my aunt always wanted a girl, and she ended up with two boys. And yeah, it was just like rough and tumble and sports, outside constantly, didn't want to dress girly whatsoever.

SPEAKER_02 2:07

With your mom trying to put you in with girliest, frilliest dresses.

SPEAKER_04 2:11

I mean, when I was, yeah, she tried as long as she could. And and then some, like, even into like middle school, I remember it was like, oh, why don't you wear this? Why don't you wear that? And it's like, eh, I don't wanna. So, I mean, if if I'm going back to like, I mean, it's it's forever. Like, I was not gonna be this, you know, girly girl person. I was always, always more interested in hanging with boys and doing that. And I remember playing up the street, all guys, and I I mean, I don't think that influenced anything because there's plenty of you know, I had plenty of friends in school that were girls, but I played with all boys on my street. We went in the woods, watched wrestling, played army or guns or whatever.

SPEAKER_03 3:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 3:11

And I enjoyed that. I didn't enjoy makeup, dressing up. Yeah. And so yeah, I'd say like as far back as I can remember, I was not your average typical girl.

SPEAKER_03 3:26

Girly girl.

SPEAKER_04 3:28

So I mean, it wasn't until like way later that I realized that that fit into being a lesbian at the time.

SPEAKER_03 3:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 3:36

And, you know, I've told you before, like, it was a show. I don't remember what the show was called, but I remember watching it on MTV, and it was a dating show or something, and there were two girls dating, and one was like not super butch, but like more of like a chapstick lesbian, like sports, play softball type of thing. And I just remember thinking like, holy shit, I'm a lesbian, and it freaked me out because that was the first time I like said it to myself, which is super scary.

SPEAKER_03 4:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 4:12

And then from then on, it was like, ugh, okay.

SPEAKER_02 4:16

What do you think made it scary? What was scary about it?

SPEAKER_04 4:21

I think first of all, like figuring out, and this is obviously at that time, figuring out who you are and like accepting it was like it was scary, but it was also like euphoric. And I was just like, oh my God, like that's it.

SPEAKER_03 4:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 4:39

I don't need to find the perfect guy. I haven't, you know, it's oh, you haven't met the perfect person, you know, you haven't met the perfect guy, and whatever. And like, yeah, I went on like dates with like one guy in particular that we would always hang out, but like nothing ever happened. It was always like, oh, sometimes like I'm feeling it, and I'm like, oh yeah, he's really fun to be around. But it was when we were just being like friends. And my mom always was like, You're so hot and cold with it. And it's like, well, because I'm not interested. And it's like I'm trying to convince myself. So when it's like, oh, I'm actually like a lesbian and I like girls, and like this is this is something that I'm gonna have to navigate going forward. Like, I was not about to come out. I mean, this was before this was before my brother moved away for college.

SPEAKER_02 5:31

So I was So you were still in high school?

SPEAKER_04 5:33

I was I think I was in middle school because I was still in the little bedroom and we didn't switch until he was like a senior in high school. So I was in seventh or eighth grade when I finally like, yeah. So I went all through high school.

SPEAKER_02 5:48

And so that's just when you realize, like, oh, I'm a lesbian. This fits. I like girls, I don't like boys.

SPEAKER_04 5:55

Right. Yeah, it was it that's exactly it. It was like, holy shit, like something was always just off yeah, and then it just like fit perfectly.

SPEAKER_02 6:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 6:03

And I was like, all right, this is That makes sense.

SPEAKER_02 6:06

Like I can stop forcing this thing that doesn't feel right.

SPEAKER_04 6:08

Yes. And you had heard of, you know, Ellen de Generis and things like that, but like there wasn't a lot of exposure, especially like in the media. Yeah. So it was like, oh crap. All right.

SPEAKER_02 6:22

And this is why representation is so important.

SPEAKER_04 6:24

Yeah. I mean, living in today's world, it's like, holy moly, like I didn't know, I don't know if I knew anybody who was gay at that point, guys or girls, like unless it was the one-off, like, yeah, there was that friends episode, like, you know, Ross's ex-wife is a lesbian, but there was always this, like, there was never anyone that looked like I thought like I wanted to look, you know, more butcher.

SPEAKER_02 6:52

Because they wanted the lesbians to be pretty. To be pretty.

SPEAKER_04 6:54

Yeah. I mean, Ellen was the closest thing, but it I don't remember being like, oh, that makes me feel better. It was like I was still really young for that, and it was like televised, and then her show got canceled, and it was like, oh, okay, well, let's just make this person just disappear for right now, because that's not what we want the world to see.

SPEAKER_03 7:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 7:13

But um, yeah, figuring that out and then still having to like hide it because I didn't come out until college. So I didn't navigate high school, which was interesting.

SPEAKER_03 7:26

Yeah. Do you want to get into high school?

SPEAKER_04 7:28

I mean, there's really not much to it. It's just when you realize that you're gay and you have to hide it, it makes it it makes it complicated as to why you might want to hang out with a certain friend more than others. Or, you know, you have that it's almost like a curse because my per, you know, everybody wants to be together with their best friend. And when you have friends who you connect with, yeah, it's hard to not be attracted to your friends, which I know is like a common thing that happens. And at that point, it's funny because when I was little, I played with boys all the time. Didn't really have a whole lot of girlfriends. And then as I got older, it switched. I didn't hang out with guys, I only hung out with girls, which is just how it happened to be, whatever. And I had friends who I was really good friends with, and then, you know, as I got older and you know, you start feeling attracted to people, it's like, of course, I was like, oh yeah, that guy, like, he's so hot and whatever. And I I mean, none of my friends, I mean, maybe they knew, maybe they didn't.

SPEAKER_02 8:39

But you never spoke it. No.

SPEAKER_04 8:42

I didn't tell any of my high school friends I was gay until college, but it was I don't remember if they said, like, oh yeah, we already like knew. I'm sure I mean they were my best friends. Yeah. But you know, you have attractions and you're like, oh, this isn't this is never gonna happen. And like now you have shows where it's like you see that kind of thing.

SPEAKER_03 9:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 9:03

But yeah, it's a struggle. And all I remember is I kept thinking to myself, like, this is gonna be better in college.

SPEAKER_02 9:10

Yeah. And I know you went through like depression in high school. Yeah. Was that do you think that was related to the fact that you were in the closet?

SPEAKER_04 9:22

I don't remember it being at the forefront. I mean, yeah, that's hard to keep a secret. Yeah. And I feel bad for anyone who can't just be who they are and not be afraid of that. Yeah. But also it's like it was hard enough trying to fake date boys. I was not about to I I didn't that that's like the scariest thing ever. Like thinking someone might be, but then like, no way, no way. It was not gonna happen. Yeah. But I think the depression came from something else that was on a whole other level for a whole different episode. Okay. We'll say that. But no, I don't remember thinking. Well, I mean, of course it was like, and here's where now looking back, the trans community would say these are trans thoughts, because I kept thinking, I guess, yeah, it did add to the depression because I was like, if I was only born a fucking guy, these feelings would be completely normal. I could act on them, they would be they wouldn't be looked at uh in any different way, shape, or form. Yeah. And I just remember thinking, like, fuck. Like I was born, looking back, I was born on the wrong body because I didn't want to be gay. I wanted to be normal and I wanted to be a boy so that I could like girls in a normal social world.

SPEAKER_02 10:51

Yeah. Like I remember you telling me about you watching movies or something and seeing couples together, like straight couples, and being like, oh man, I wish like I could be that guy.

SPEAKER_04 11:04

I want yeah. I want to be the guy, not just the guy in the relationship, I want to be that guy. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:11

Like I remember you telling me that before you even came out as trans. So do you think those were possibly like early trans thoughts that you just didn't have words for, or didn't it maybe it just didn't click at the time? Didn't click at the time. You thought I was just related to the gayness.

SPEAKER_04 11:28

Yeah. I thought that me being female and me realizing that I liked girls or women, that one, I had to choose a role kind of thing. I knew I wasn't gonna be like the girl, so I wanted to be the boy in the relationship. That chivalry, like open doors for, you know, take care of a lady. But looking back, it's like, yeah, if I if I could choose, I would be born a boy and just be a normal, like heterosexual male. But that's not what I'm going for as a trans man. So it's like even more like complicated. But that, yeah, looking back, yeah, everyone in the trans community would be like, those are trans thoughts. Yeah. Not just I like girls, because there's plenty of girls out there who are girls and girly girls who like women and don't want to like, and that's fine if you're if you're, you know, the butchess of butch lesbians. There's a a piece of you that holds on to being a a woman and a lesbian.

SPEAKER_02 12:36

And that's why I think it's hard for people to understand because as a society, we do like people in boxes, but it is such a spectrum of things, like the Kinsey scale. It isn't just like black and white, it's we all have these different levels. I think even those kind of things shift throughout our lives.

SPEAKER_04 12:57

Well, and that's that's what happened. Yeah. And, you know, it's easier looking back and like, oh yeah, the signs were there the whole time, but navigating that in real time, it's like, mm, I don't know. So growing up, being a lesbian, coming out to everybody, it's like, okay, figured out who I am, I could be who I am. I have people who support me.

SPEAKER_02 13:18

Okay, back up for one second. When you came out as being gay to your friends, did it feel I mean, was it like, okay, like this is it, this is what's been the problem. Like, did you feel whole at that point, or did you still feel like something was off at that point?

SPEAKER_04 13:37

No, I felt good. I felt like I was owning me. Yeah. And like I could be who I wanted to be. I never really felt like, oh, maybe there's like a little smidgey left to figure out and whatever. That's why it was so annoying. Yeah. When I realized that I was trans. Like it was so annoying. Because I was like, no, I figured this shit out once, and now I have to figure it out again on a whole different level. And there's so much more that I need to figure out because I'm married and have soon to be four kids. This could blow up my entire world. Yeah. And like you saw the struggle of me like going back and forth and back and forth, and like, holy shit. It was just like so, so much more.

SPEAKER_02 14:27

Okay, so let's get to where things like really started. Like, I guess where it really like clicked for you, where it started to change. You really were like, wait a minute, this is something else.

SPEAKER_04 14:41

It wasn't, I wish it was a light switch. Like, I'm jealous of all these kids who are like, oh yeah, trans, 100%. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 14:48

Like it wasn't like when you saw the thing on MTV as a kid. No molestary.

SPEAKER_04 14:53

No. It was it was a slow, gradual thing. And maybe that's because I was older and I was like, no, this can't be happening right now. Like, fuck.

SPEAKER_02 15:04

No, I already went through this once.

SPEAKER_04 15:06

And like, yeah, I was like, uh, but there's a lot of other factors that went into it. I'm like, okay. So basically it was, you know, during COVID, working from home, I had a lot of time to kill, of, you know, I was on the computer all day for work, watching YouTube videos, Instagram, whatever, in my spare time. And I remember coming across a trans guy's profile. And I was like, hmm, interesting. So dug deeper, saw that he had, you know, top surgery is actually how I found my surgeon, but something, something was happening where it wasn't just interest. It was like, oh God, have I been, did I misdiagnose myself, basically. And it it's because more people are coming forward and coming out and sharing their stories. And, you know, this was a guy who's, you know, married and it was just kind of a crazy, it wasn't like a seed that got planted. It was more like uncovering something that I didn't even know was there.

SPEAKER_03 16:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 16:18

And I don't I don't think I don't know, we're we're always evolving, we're always changing. And I think it's just I don't know. It kind of hit me out of not out of nowhere, but out of nowhere. Yeah. And I was just like, whoa, hold on. Maybe I'm not maybe I'm I'm still into the ladies, but there's something more that I want for myself.

SPEAKER_03 16:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 16:41

And I think I was just too busy or suppressed it. Didn't have I don't know. I guess having that representation like on social media, I guess helped break down this door that I had locked shut for whatever reason. I think honestly, I think it was like a subconscious thing, maybe that, oh, I'm a lesbian. Okay, well, that means I can date and love who I want. This is what I want for my life. I want to get married, I want to have kids. The way we had to have kids didn't change. Yeah. But something I don't know, something clicked. I can't really explain it. Do you think that's what I have to like be in my mind?

SPEAKER_02 17:23

Do you remember when you told me?

SPEAKER_04 17:26

No, I don't.

SPEAKER_02 17:28

I honestly don't either. Like, um like I I'm trying to think back. I would I wanna say you maybe hinted at things. And I don't think you were like trying to hint at things. It was like you would just say things every once in a while that were kind of like I had verbal, I had verbal diarrhea. Yeah, it's like I could I could see that during COVID you were like definitely on some kind of self-journey, self-discovery. Like I could tell you were like deep in it, and I don't I was so busy, like I was trying to You were pregnant. I was no COVID I'd had Finley. Oh, oh, that's right. So I was I was homeschooling the kids, I was trying to take care of a three, four, five month old, so I was like deep in that, and I was working because I was doing VIP kid. So like I feel like we had our own things going on then, but I don't really remember you coming out, like even when you got top surgery, so that was like a whole thing where you shifted too. At first, it was like, Oh, I want smaller boobs. My boobs are way too big. I always they were way too big.

SPEAKER_04 18:38

Huge. I always wanted them off.

SPEAKER_02 18:41

Yes. So I remember you saying, like, oh, I just want smaller boobs, maybe like an A cup or a B cup. Like you started small, and then it was like, I don't think I want boobs at all. But like we weren't calling it top surgery. It was like, I just don't want boobs. And then it was like eventually you kind of like you brace, embrace like I want top surgery.

SPEAKER_04 19:02

Well, my whole life I wanted smaller boobs. Yeah. And when my physician first asked me, because I said, like, I want a breast reduction, like, and she goes, all the way off. And I was like, it's kind of like when someone accuses you of being gay for the first time. It's like, what? No, no.

SPEAKER_02 19:20

I didn't say that.

SPEAKER_04 19:21

And I said, no, I just want them as small as possible. And I was like, I don't, you know, like just done the nipples, right? Like cutting them off.

SPEAKER_02 19:27

What are you talking about? I don't even have nipples.

SPEAKER_04 19:30

I want them all gone.

SPEAKER_02 19:31

Right.

SPEAKER_04 19:32

And it was the fact that so I couldn't even get in for a consultation for a breast reduction here in St. Louis through Washu because I needed to be at a certain BMI, probably because of insurance.

SPEAKER_01 19:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 19:46

So I was like, well, fuck, I'm never gonna be able to get this. And like it was so such a defeated moment because I'm like, oh my God, I'm like stuck in this body that was the biggest thing, literally. And I was just like, I am stuck with this. I hate, like, hated having them on my body.

SPEAKER_03 20:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 20:03

And I think part of it was because they were so big, but also because they're boobs. Yeah. And when I found this Instagram account and they're like, gave a shout-out to their surgeon, I was like, well, let's go check out this surgeon. And it turns out she's like top in her field for LGBTQ surgeries. Like she specializes in that. And like, we can talk about her on five more episodes because she's amazing. But looking at her page, her YouTube channel, and just her practices website, I was like, oh my God, like that is the chest that I want. Yeah, I want a masculine chest. Like, I don't want boobs. And so, like, that was a whole thing I could dive into. And I'm like still to the day shocked that I was able to just like have a consultation with her and boom, book the surgery. Yeah. And I was just like, I don't know, I didn't know what to expect. All I knew is it was like these are coming off.

SPEAKER_02 21:10

Yeah. Well, and it was even here, I remember they didn't call it top surgery. It was like, didn't they classify it as they kept saying like mastectomy and things like that?

SPEAKER_04 21:20

It wasn't even insurance classifies it as a double mastectomy. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 21:25

So it was like to go that route, you'd have to call it that. You'd have to do it that way. And it wouldn't, when they do mastectomies, they don't they're just trying to get rid of the chance of cancer. You didn't want that. It was like, no, this is like top surgery. I don't want it to just you're chopping things off. I want it to look a certain way.

SPEAKER_04 21:48

Yeah, it's gender affirming surgery. Yeah. Is technically the correct term. Insurance companies will not accept that unless basically I had. To be diagnosed with gender dysphoria by a psychiatrist or a a therapist. Therapist, yeah. By a licensed professional. So did that for like a year. Tried to work through my shit. Decided to get top surgery. And it was chest or what does she call it? I think it's just chest masculinization or something. No, I know. But it's gender affirming. Yeah. And I'm so glad that they told me they couldn't get me in for a console here because it would have been just mastectomy.

SPEAKER_03 22:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 22:34

Like just cut them off. Let's not make them, you know, look pretty. There I mean there's aesthetics that go into it, and basically you get to create the chest you want.

SPEAKER_03 22:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 22:45

And even then I was not saying that I was transgender.

SPEAKER_02 22:51

Yeah. Yeah. Cause that's I remember you got the top surgery and you were like, okay, yeah, this is this is it. That's better. But I don't think at that point you were even you'd even said like, no, I want, I am trans.

SPEAKER_04 23:08

No, I wasn't planning on taking a stop surgery.

SPEAKER_02 23:10

You had not said those words to me yet. Like, no. Obviously, like I said, I could tell you were going through things. I could see that there were like changes. And it was kind of like, oh yeah, this top surgery, this is gonna do it. Like I feel like that's kind of where you were at. Like, I'll get this top surgery. I won't have my boobs, I'll feel better. I was back on track. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, finally, like, this is what I've been waiting for. Yep. And at the time you were like, no, like, this is it. I just needed top surgery. I'm not gonna be doing like hormones or anything like that. And a few months later, literally Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 23:43

I remember I told the few friends that I had at the time, like, oh, I'm not I'm not changing chemically and taking hormones. I had already told my family, like, oh yeah, like I I remember telling, you know, sending a text to my brother and his wife, and I'm like, you know, if they still my my nephews and niece want to still call me, you know, Auntie Ryan, I'm fine with that and whatever. Like, I think I was just kind of in a little bit of pushback and denial because it was such a slow evolving. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 24:18

Cause you were still, I don't think we like I said, I don't think you had said that you felt like a man. None of that. I don't think we were changing pronouns or anything.

SPEAKER_04 24:28

No, I was against changing pronouns for a long time. Yeah. And it was like, I wish everyone who tries to figure out who who they are had someone like you in their life because you gave me, first of all, when I had my verbal diarrhea fits during COVID, and I was just like, I don't know, I I don't even know what I'm trying to say. Like I'm having these like thoughts and and whatever. Like you, one, when you don't know what to say, you stay quiet. But also you realized that there just needed to be like a sounding board, but like it was also super scary because I knew that there was a chance that our marriage could end. And that was super fucking scary. That was the one thing that was keeping me from telling anyone, yeah, including myself. So I was like, it's not I kept trying to tell myself it wasn't worth losing you and our family.

SPEAKER_03 25:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 25:26

Not that I would lose the kids in any way, shape, or form. Yeah. But we have a dynamic.

SPEAKER_03 25:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 25:32

And it was like, oh shit. But, you know, denying who you are as a person clearly like wasn't in the cards.

SPEAKER_03 25:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 25:43

And that's just proved so much more that these things aren't choices for people. Yeah. And, you know, yeah, I've lost friends, family members. Don't talk to them anymore. And it's tough. But like you were the one person that I was like, I could suppress this for the rest of my life if I needed to.

SPEAKER_02 26:02

Oh, thanks.

SPEAKER_04 26:05

I could be who you want me to be. But no, like you were just like so patient. And it's not even about like being supportive, it's about the patience behind it and like just letting me talk, letting me go back and forth. Like you even said, like one time, you're like, oh my gosh, let's just try different pronouns. Like, would you and you asked, you was like, you were like, I'm I'm just gonna start using it and see how you feel. And it's like, holy shit, that's exactly I think what any trans person or non-binary or whatever, they need someone in their life that's like, well, let's just try it.

SPEAKER_03 26:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 26:43

And if you don't like it, we can stop and whatever. And like letting the kids choose for themselves, like, because it for a while I was like, Yeah, sure, keep calling me mommy Ryan.

SPEAKER_03 26:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 26:52

But then there was a day that it kind of like flipped, and I was like, Ugh.

SPEAKER_03 26:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 26:57

And the more the more we go on, the less I push against stuff and like I just let it happen. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 27:07

So yeah, because it was like at the surgery, like you, I think you actually mentioned this on one of our first episodes when they used a different pronoun. Like they said like he or something, and you like corrected them. You're like, whoa.

SPEAKER_04 27:20

They never they never once asked me for my pronouns. Maybe Dr. Gallagher did. I don't remember.

SPEAKER_02 27:26

Yeah. Which is kind of interesting for the people who work primarily. Yeah, because even just because you're getting top surgery doesn't mean you're trans. You could just be non-binary. There's plenty of non-binary people who get top surgery as well.

SPEAKER_04 27:42

I mean, I think I think the nurses were used to what kind of surgery I was getting, and those are my pronouns. Yeah, should you ask, fine. But I was in so much pain and like on so much medication, and I just remember she kept saying he, and I was like, she is fine. And it was weird because it just came out, but I think it it was I wasn't ready because this is this is what I knew physically I needed to do for me, regardless of pronouns.

SPEAKER_03 28:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 28:10

But also, yeah, I remember it was like, all right, now I have this. Like I immediately felt physically better, and it was just something I wanted for so long, and I was like, it was a very good moment in my life.

SPEAKER_02 28:23

Okay, so surgery was April 20. When was Vila Born? 2022.

SPEAKER_04 28:31

Yeah, it was April.

SPEAKER_02 28:32

April 2022.

SPEAKER_04 28:34

I it's coming up.

SPEAKER_02 28:35

It was the end of the month, yeah. 23rd, 24th. Yeah. Because I was pregnant, and that was fun because we got a little Miami vacation, even though you were not feeling like part of the time.

SPEAKER_04 28:46

A little bit outside.

SPEAKER_02 28:48

Yeah, I got lots of pull time. It was cool. And then, so Violet was born in September. When did you start your hormones?

SPEAKER_04 28:57

June 14th.

SPEAKER_02 28:58

So end of April, May, June. So not even two, a full two months later.

SPEAKER_04 29:04

Yeah. I was in my endocrinologist's office and I had already decided. It was so crazy. I was like, all right, I'm going to see my endocrinologist in June. And that day they're like, Do you want to start testosterone? Like we talked about it, obviously. It wasn't just like, hey, we have this drug, you want to take it? But it was like, I knew going in, they're gonna ask if I want to start it. Yeah. Or if I want to come back, I can start it later. And I was just like, why start it later? Like, I'm just gonna have to make another trip. Let's just start it today. And it was like, I remember asking the nurse, I'm like, is it is it weird like doing this for people, like knowing that their lives are about to change and whatever? And they're like, Yeah, we think it's really cool. And you know, it was just so like, here's how you do it.

SPEAKER_02 29:46

Yeah. And then I was like, is is that it? Yeah. That's so funny though, because I was dead set against it. Yes, after the top surgery, it was like, no, I'm not. Like, I think that's when you started kind of toying around with the pronouns, but it was like, no, like I'm not gonna do hormones or anything. You were still kind of like had that pushback a little bit.

SPEAKER_04 30:04

I didn't know I I didn't I didn't know.

SPEAKER_03 30:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 30:09

Because of course there's everyone identifies with their gender a different way. Even cis people. Yeah. Um which for those who don't know, cis are people who are born assigned male or female at birth and cis female. Live that way and trans are the opposite. So you have cis and trans, at least with with those terms.

SPEAKER_02 30:35

And then there's non-biagram. And then there's everything else, yes.

SPEAKER_04 30:40

I remember it was everything was great. I had what I wanted a thousand percent, never regret it. And a couple weeks later, it was like, here come the thoughts. Something's still not it, it opened the door even wider. And like you're not you're never gonna know that. That's why people have to be like patient with themselves. It's like you have the ability to become the best version of yourself, but you are allowed to go this way or come back and go that way. And like just I I would have never in a million years been like, okay, I was, I was, I don't want to chemically change. Oh, that's what I was gonna say. I was gonna say there's there's risks involved. And the thing that in my mind makes me trans is like, I want facial hair. I wanted my voice to get deeper. Do I wish it would make me grow taller? Yes, because I'm just a short guy. But like, there are also things like hair loss, which my hair has started to thin, which is super fucking obnoxious. And but it's small things. But I was like, yeah, no, I I don't, I don't think I want to take hormones. You have to take them the rest of your life. But it wasn't like, yes, absolutely. Top surgery? Absolutely, like thousand percent. So after the top surgery, it was like, I'm not done. Fuck. And like again, another moment of like, this is so obnoxious. Like, uh, and given my age, I was like, I'm like, feel like the oldest fucking person coming out right now is trans. No, and like I have to go through a second puberty, and I'm gonna start getting, you know, I had like the occasional acne and you know, body hair. Like all this stuff. I'm just like, I have two kids going through puberty right now, and like I'm going with them. Yeah. And, you know, my son and and me are trying to see who's gonna grow a mustache faster, which he is, and I'm annoyed. Yeah. He's fucking almost 12. I'm like, God damn it. Yeah. All that came flooding in, and I'm like, fuck it. Yeah, like this is this is what I have to do.

SPEAKER_02 32:46

Well, and I feel like it's with any journey that we go through. I mean, whether it's like a weight loss journey or, you know, anything like that, there's always, you know, everyone says it's not a straight line. There's always those like ups and downs and back and forth, and why should this be any different?

SPEAKER_04 33:03

The society is not on board. Right, because you're not in the box. And yeah, there's laws and all that shit you have to deal with, and it's just like fuck.

SPEAKER_03 33:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 33:14

So, I mean, again, another tick on the checklist of no one chooses this. Mm-hmm. We got a little track. No, I don't remember the first time I told you. Five hours later. No, I I don't think I don't think I said I'm trans for a very long time. It didn't feel right at first. Yeah. And you're like, well, you know, trans mat like finding the terminology was like the most annoying thing because it's like you tell people not to put other people in boxes, and yet that's all you want to do for yourself because you just want to feel normal. It's like, can you just give me just a term, a word? I don't want to be under this umbrella, but like I do that with my sexuality. So I'm like, I was really kind of sad to think that maybe I was gonna lose my lesbian card because I loved being a lesbian, yeah, which was a nut it's like you don't think about things like that. It's like, well, I like all our lesbian friends, and I'm now I'm the only guy. Yeah. And we go camping with this group of people, everybody's gay, all lesbians. And you know, I'm just like, oh man, like, am I gonna be able to like I don't know. You just think about these things because it's so like your gender boxes. Yeah. Yeah. Luckily they've been all amazing.

SPEAKER_03 34:33

They've been accepting. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 34:35

All right. Well, we'll get more into the actual coming out to everybody and how everyone feels on the next episode.

SPEAKER_04 34:42

And we can I mean, didn't we already cover that?

SPEAKER_02 34:45

Not really.

SPEAKER_04 34:46

You want to go deeper?

SPEAKER_02 34:47

Yeah. I mean, we talked about like the timeline of when you told people we haven't talked about like we haven't talked about my side of it. We haven't really Oh, we haven't. We haven't really talked about like coming out to the kids, how your parents like how people have dealt with it.

SPEAKER_04 35:01

It was super scary because I will you'll get into your side, but I don't know if it was like blindsiding, blindsiding or whatever. But like you staying quiet, sometimes it's because you don't know what to think yet. And that can be scary because I'm like, oh god, all right. I'm a processor. Is this what you see for your life? Because going from when I first met you, I would have never been like, oh yes, this is what she wants for her life.

SPEAKER_02 35:25

Well, especially back when you thought I was like a religious small town Bible thumping.

SPEAKER_04 35:31

So yeah, I mean, I I'm sure there's things I don't you haven't shared with me thoughtwise. Just don't divorce me like uh in the public eye.

SPEAKER_02 35:40

In the next episode.

SPEAKER_04 35:41

Don't dump that.

SPEAKER_02 35:43

No.

SPEAKER_04 35:44

Sometimes I get insecure and I'm like, does she really still enjoy our marriage as who I am?

SPEAKER_02 35:51

And that's why you need to be in therapy, babe. I know. Spoiler alert, she does. She loves me. I do love you. But you were like that long before.

SPEAKER_04 36:01

Oh, I was in having to needy bitch. Just suppressed it.

SPEAKER_02 36:05

Just comes out every once in a while. It's okay. We all have our insecurities.

SPEAKER_03 36:09

Anyway, on the next episode.

SPEAKER_04 36:12

To be continued.

SPEAKER_02 36:14

We do want to thank everybody who's listening. We're seeing those downloads. We've got some five-star reviews, which is really exciting. We're just glad to know that there's at least a few people out there who want to listen and care. If you're enjoying the show, keep listening, share it with a friend, especially if you have somebody. These episodes, if you know someone who is in the trans community and you think it might help, please definitely share those just to get the story out there so other people aren't feeling so alone in their journey. Go to the show, give us a review, follow, and find us on Instagram, the stories we leave you. And we'd love to hear any questions you have, suggestions you have for episodes. And yeah. Anything. Nothing's off the table. Yep. We're pretty open. Open book. Until next time. Thank you. Bye. Bye.