“So…How Do You REALLY Feel?” Coming Out, Reactions & Losing People

In Part 2 of Ryann’s coming out story, we move beyond the internal journey and into the real-life moments that follow—telling family, navigating reactions, and figuring out what happens next. From coming out as gay in college to later coming out as trans, this episode dives into the fear, uncertainty, and emotional weight that comes with saying the words out loud. We talk about what it feels like to finally share your truth, the anxiety of how people will respond, and why the people closest to you can sometimes be the hardest to tell.

We get into the complicated reality of family reactions—from supportive conversations to confusion, distance, and unmet expectations. Ryann shares what it was like coming out to parents, the pressure of feeling like you’re changing everything, and the surprising ways people process identity shifts. We also talk about the second coming out—transitioning later in life, navigating marriage, and what it looks like to give each other space to grow while staying connected.

This episode also explores what it looked like inside our relationship during that time—especially while navigating pregnancy, parenting, and two completely different internal experiences at the same time. We talk honestly about what it means to support your partner when you don’t fully understand what they’re going through, the concept of “living in two different worlds,” and how communication (even messy, unclear communication) kept us moving forward.

And of course, we share what it was like telling our kids—their reactions, what surprised us most, and why kids often handle big life changes better than adults. From resistance to acceptance to moments that hit harder than expected, this part of our story is one we’ll never forget. This episode is about identity, relationships, and the reality that coming out isn’t just one moment—it’s something you navigate over and over again.

New episodes drop every Wednesday. Follow the show so you don’t miss what’s next, and find us on Instagram to be part of the conversation. We’d love to hear your questions!

We’ve linked the books we talked about below—just a heads up, they’re affiliate links, so we may earn a small commission (at no extra cost to you).

He’s My Mom

It Feels Good To Be Yourself

Jack (Not Jackie)

Julie is a podcast manager who helps people tell the stories they’ve been too scared to share. If you’ve been thinking about starting a podcast… this is your sign. https://juliebeckllc.com/

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:05

I'm Ryan. I'm Julie. And this is the stories we leave you.

SPEAKER_02 0:11

Alright, welcome back. On this episode, we are doing part two of Ryan's coming out story. Yippee. So last time we just kind of went through the journey, like Ryan's thoughts and feelings. So this time I wanted to get into just a little bit of like actually coming out to people, like some people's reactions and things like that. And we're gonna talk about my reaction. Oh, we said last time we get divorced on air. What? Oh, you forgot about that part. Yeah. Just joking. We won't get divorced, I promise. Anyway, let's go back in time. Get the twinkles again. Back to coming out the first time. I guess who which people, not who people, which people were the hardest to come out to, or like who had the biggest reactions.

SPEAKER_00 1:06

I mean, like I said before, everyone kind of already knew.

SPEAKER_02 1:11

And just the recap, the first time was when you came out as a lesbian.

SPEAKER_00 1:15

Yeah. That was oh gosh. I mean, I was in college. I want to say when I was like 22, but that was super difficult just because you just I just kept thinking, and I say you because I know a lot of people who come out like have these feelings, but it's like, what if I'm wrong? What if I'm not? And you know, after coming out to a few people, you know, I had this really good discussion with two of my friends at the time, and they're like, So what? Like, who cares? You don't have to be set in stone, and again, it's that I need to be in a box. So it's like you're either gay or you're not.

SPEAKER_01 1:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:52

And back then, it wasn't well, I say back then, but it really was back then.

SPEAKER_02 1:59

Back in the 1900s.

SPEAKER_00 2:00

No, it wasn't 1900s. Early, I mean, yeah, early 2000s, it, you know, non-binary wasn't really a thing yet that was talked about. And it was either you were straight or gay. That was pretty much it. So I remember one instance in particular in college, it was just me and one of my friends, and I wanted to tell someone so bad, but she could tell that I wasn't ready. I was like, getting to that point where you're talking about something that makes you so nervous that like I started physically shaking a little bit. And she just like she knew later on, she was like, I knew what you wanted to tell me, but I was not gonna pressure you into doing it, and you clearly were not ready. You know, looking back, it's like I I just wasn't quite there. And I don't know if it's because it wasn't the right time, wasn't the right person. I was just like, oh, that's too scary because once you say it, you can't take it back.

SPEAKER_02 3:00

Yeah. So it's always like, what's what's gonna change?

SPEAKER_00 3:04

I was I was more afraid of losing people in my life then than I was the second time around.

SPEAKER_01 3:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:12

Just because I mean, obviously, yeah, I was worried about losing you, but I also know you better than anybody else. But it was like this I in my brain, I was like, it's gonna change everything. And when I finally came out the first time, it was actually to a high school friend, and she was visiting, and it was it was more of like it wasn't just, hey, I need to tell you something, I'm gay. I wanted to beat around the bush and ask questions and find out how they felt about gay people. And there was a conversation about somebody, and I was like, oh, were are they are they like gay or bisexual or whatever?

SPEAKER_02 3:55

And it reminds me of those videos with the moms that are like, oh, I'm trying to find I'm like scouting out other mom friends at the school, and I'm like, Yeah, so about ice. And then she like stares at them to see what their reactions are.

SPEAKER_00 4:10

I mean, that's kind of how it is, because it wasn't like an open discussion. I didn't know a lot of gay people at all, and I certainly didn't have any gay people that my friends and I knew collectively. And uh realistically, it was the closest people to me were the most difficult. The people you're supposed to know the best to trust and things like that.

SPEAKER_02 4:33

Okay. So what about telling your parents?

SPEAKER_00 4:35

My parents claimed to be clueless, which was shocking. So I'm like, really? It was difficult just because it's like, all right, how are you gonna view me going forward? My mom asked me once when I was like 14, are you gay? And I I mean, yeah, but I'm not gonna tell you that right now. Like, you just caught me off guard. What was her reason for asking? I have no idea. It was we were talking about something. Like, I spent a lot of time laying on my mom's bed, like just talking while she came home from work, got you know, change, kind of similar to what you did with your mom. I would just follow her around and we would talk. And I'm sure we were talking about something, and it was like, Well, you're not gay, are you? I'm like, No, like gross, no. And you know, she brought that up when I came out to her. She was like, I asked you once, and I was like, Yeah, okay. Like, I'm ready to tell you right now, like I was still figuring it out. And I was 14, like, what the fuck? So, yeah, I cried, but I think it was more like just overwhelming emotion of like, I just like this is my last hurdle. Like, let's get let's get this out, let's go. And then my dad came up, and we were laying in my mom, my parents' bed, and he came upstairs and got all weird and was like, What are you guys talking about? My mom was like, Well, your daughter has something she'd like to say or tell you, and I was like, Yeah, I like girls and gay and whatever, and he got awkward and left.

SPEAKER_02 6:08

Oh, yeah, that sounds like your dad. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:10

But apparently, like later on, I found out he thought that he failed somehow as a father, which is like shocking to me because I'm like, I don't understand how that turns into a failure. Like it's has a negative ring to it, like, oh, you're gay, I did something wrong. Like, what? And I explain, I don't know if I explained to my mom to explain to him or I told him, but I just remember saying, like, that's so the opposite of how he should be looking at it. If anything, I want to be a dad just like him.

SPEAKER_02 6:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:47

Or Mary, you know, at that time, like be that uh joke's on me, father figure.

SPEAKER_01 6:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:52

But I'm like, no, like I want to treat my girlfriend or wife someday like how he treats my mom. And you know, he he didn't he wasn't seeing it from that perspective. So I was like, no, if anything, it makes me want to be a better person slash guy. And still, it's like he's got the patience of a saint. I'm like, oh man, like I don't think that's in the playbook for me, but it it's no less true now than it was then. But once I got that out, it was like, all right, it got easier, but again, it's just like every time you have to mention, you know, your girlfriend or who you're dating or who you're married to. Like we joke around when the kids were born, it's like, oh, they would say, Ah, the I have two moms. It's like you get out. You just outed me, like, and it's not it still makes me uneasy. Yeah. And which is weird because now it's like the reverse. Like, I don't have to come out as trans to people. It's I mean, you kinda do. It's not the same. No, it's more like, oh shit, you just figured something out about my past that now it's like, because you know, at this point in my life, I know people who have no idea. Yeah. And it's like, ooh.

SPEAKER_02 8:11

It's more like, how do I tell this story? Right.

SPEAKER_00 8:15

Do I like I've had to say about like watching Luna and Checkers? I'm like, oh yeah, dog sit for a friend in college. I can't say roommate. Yeah. Because I can't, yeah, I can't say, like, oh yeah, I'm roomed with her. She's my sweet mate, my freshman year of college. Like that, no.

SPEAKER_02 8:36

Alright, well, you want to fast forward to coming out number two.

SPEAKER_00 8:40

Number two. Yeah, I mean, that like I said in the last episode, it was a longer transitional period of figuring things out. I'm wondering, you know, how I'm gonna navigate this because we already had kids, and you know, I was worried about how you really felt about it, even though it's like, oh, I'm pretty confident you're fine with it, but I also had to be open to the possibility that you wouldn't be, or that it wouldn't be the right fit for what you had envisioned for your life. And I was like, I can't force you to stay in a marriage to someone who's trans, but hopefully it won't affect anything. And like I said, like I was grateful for you letting me navigate at my own pace, pushing me when I needed to be pushed, like with pronouns, and like just I feel like you were like, okay, you're never gonna, you're never gonna make that leap if I literally don't push you off the proverbial cliff. Yeah. It's like just try it. And you know, it was like, oh, I like that, I don't like that, I I don't know, like my brain was all over the place, and I was just like not existing as me. I was like, all right, what box can I fit in? So telling people was easier um just because it was like the first step was the top surgery, and that was just easier because like anyone who knew me, like knew I hated my boobs. So it was just like, okay, I'm getting them off. Like bias.

SPEAKER_02 10:16

And they were very large, like we're talking, what was it, like double I something, I don't know, yeah ten pounds worth.

SPEAKER_00 10:23

What was a little shocking is afterwards because I didn't feel aside from you and the kids and you know, your mom, because she lived here, right? She lived here, yeah. I didn't have the support that I thought I was gonna have from the people who mattered most after you guys.

SPEAKER_01 10:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:49

So that was super disappointing and a little shocking.

SPEAKER_02 10:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:54

And I feel s still feel some kind of way about it because it's just like the longer it goes, like I I I'm over it 90%, but also I'm like, that fucking sucked.

SPEAKER_01 11:06

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 11:07

The fact that, yeah, my parents didn't come over and see me when I got back in town, or my best friend at the time didn't come over and see me was hurtful and weird, and I don't know. But then again, being in my late 30s at the time, I was like, okay, well, I don't have time for this shit. Like I have to focus on healing. I have you, I have the kids. Obviously, things are gonna change, things are gonna be different. And at this point, I wasn't going to be taking testosterone. So I was like, all right, this is what I want. Everything's gonna stay the same. I I'll figure out the rest later, whatever. This is first step. So I mean, like, my brother and his family have been really cool. You know, I just like shot them a text and was like, hey, okay, so I know like I said I wasn't gonna be transitioning with testosterone or whatever. I was like, but I am, and right now I'm not even worried about pronouns like that. It's funny because like I feel like a lot of people like start with that and I like ended with it and let it kind of happen naturally, I guess. Because I mean I wasn't a hundred percent ready, so I think that's why I was so patient with other people because I was like, I don't fucking know either. You know, even now someone like misgenders me or I don't know, it's just like I'm it's not a big deal.

SPEAKER_02 12:31

Yeah. Well, I think yes, you have to push people to make changes, but there's also we are naturally resistant to change, we have comfort and things staying the way that they were. So I feel like there has to be a certain amount of grace as people are are changing as they're learning, and it is a learning process. Like honestly, looking back, there are things I wish I would have done differently. Like, I feel like there are better ways that I could have supported you. Like what? Well That's crazy. I think I think just because not being in it, and also I mean, I was pregnant and then newborn, it was a very busy time. But I think not being in it, I didn't realize necessarily how big of a deal it was. In it in what way? Like in your head, I wasn't in your shoes. Yeah. So it's hard to understand how big of a obviously it's a big change, but what a big deal it is to finally like, oh, I feel like myself. Oh, I finally feel like my true self. And you know, like I've looked stuff up online and like some people have like I don't know, coming basically like some kind of like coming out type party, where I forget what they call them, but coming out parties. Oh, okay. But I'm like, oh man, we should have done something like that where we could celebrate the birth of Ryan He him. I mean, yeah, I I mean that never crossed my mind. Yeah. I just wish I would have realized at the time how big of a deal it was and been more like celebratory with you.

SPEAKER_00 14:18

Yeah, but I'd say you did it exactly how you're you're not that person though. You're not like, whoo, something amazing just happened, let's throw a party. That's true. So I wasn't I wasn't like expecting anything like that. But it wasn't about me. But you uh we were also like like the timing of it really sucked balls because you were pregnant, yeah, and I like when you're pregnant because I like taking care of you, and all of a sudden it was like I'm consumed with this over here. This is your what what was it? Was it Finn? No, it's Vi. It was Vi? So it was like, all right, this is the third pregnancy, fourth kid, like you got this, we know what's going on. It wasn't that I wasn't as like, oh my gosh, let me let me do all this stuff for you and like you're strong, independent woman. It's like that fine line of oh, I'm pregnant, I can do things for myself, but also like I sometimes wonder, I'm like, did I did I show up enough for you in that pregnancy? But it's like, you know, maybe that was the perfect time. Like you could handle yourself. I was going through my shit. I d I don't know. I don't remember a lot.

SPEAKER_02 15:33

Well, whenever someone asks me what how it was for me when you came out and how I felt about it. Yeah, well, my honest response is, and it's gonna sound a little selfish, but I was like, you know what? I was pregnant, and it wasn't just I was pregnant, it was the last kid. I really wanted to have a natural birth. I had not had one yet, non-medicated, I should say, and I had gestational diabetes. I had five dozen freaking appointments because they had to do ultrasounds and check my blood pressure and blood sugars and all this stuff all the time. And I was so like deep in like, okay, I have to eat this certain way. I was doing all these exercises to try to make sure I was prepped for birth, and my head was 100% on pregnancy, and it's really like you and I were living two separate lives, living the same life, but like separately in our heads. Our brains were in different books. You were completely all about figuring out your transness and your transness and all of that, and like your head was there, which I totally don't blame you. Like, there's no control over when it was gonna happen. It happened when it happened, but then I'm over here like 100% focused on pregnancy. So I'm usually like, well, selfishly, I kind of wish he would have been doing his job taking care of me on the last pregnancy that we're ever gonna have. But I mean, it is what it is.

SPEAKER_00 17:06

Which, just for the record, it's not like I was just over here willy-nilly, not doing anything. You did nothing. No, I remember the the all the exercises and yeah. No, I could just like mentally I wasn't a thousand percent invested in like checking in as much and like, yeah, we we I feel like it's like you needed me to be more in it with you, and I needed you to be more in it with me, but we just couldn't at the time. We were both just focused on different things and I mean that's a testament to our marriage though, because that's happened more than once.

SPEAKER_02 17:45

Yeah. I'd say that was the biggest divide.

SPEAKER_00 17:48

Yeah. I mean, I feel like we were rowing boats side by side together, and like occasionally be like, You okay over there? Yeah, I'm okay. You okay over there? Yeah. And maybe that's why you felt like you weren't as you know, as celebratory or whatever. But I think it happened the way it happened. And yeah.

SPEAKER_02 18:08

It was just we both had a lot in our minds. Yeah. We when all of your energy and focus is on is on that, but then you also already have three kids. So I mean that's kind of just parenting anyway. Like a lot of times you end up just kind of living life side by side and not 100% on the same page. I think that's common. And yeah, it just happened to be like bigger things happening at that moment.

SPEAKER_00 18:32

Yeah. Wait, I want to go back to you though, real quick. When people ask you, like, oh, how did you feel? Like, yes, you were pregnant, but how did you feel, or what were your initial thoughts of okay, so I went from this small town, married my high school sweetheart, to realizing that I'm in love with a woman, ending up marrying that woman. Said woman. Said woman. And then all of a sudden, you are going to be living a life married to a trans man. Because I think you made your transition to accepting that fairly quickly and smoothly. And like you started calling me your husband like way before I realized that I even wanted to use that term. Because I was like, I don't know, I feel like I'm lying. Like, if I say I'm your husband, because I don't imposter syndrome is like definitely a thing. But like, did you honestly like ever have any thoughts of like, do I want to stay married to me, or is this gonna, you know, I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 19:39

So, pretty much for me from the very beginning, and I did think about it, I took the time to like, okay, this is gonna be different. How do I really feel about it? And at the end of it, I'm like, Ryan is still Ryan. Like, you're still the same person I chose to marry in the first place. None of that changed. Yeah. So, okay, you're doing testosterone and you got hairier, a little bolder.

SPEAKER_01 20:04

I I think you can both attest to on that.

SPEAKER_02 20:08

And yes, I had to change my words, but I mean, like, he, him, husband, that kind of thing. But no, like it was just never really a question. It was like, why wouldn't I? I will be completely honest that I think it's that being a little scared of what you don't know and the way that when it came to like intimacy, our first one or two times, maybe the only one or two times. Shake that part out. Uh our first one or two times, it was I'll say the the only one or two times. Shut up. It was just kind of like it was a little scary in that aspect, just because you're over there, like, I'm having these changes and things are a little bit different down there, and I'm like, what's gonna be in there when I like when we do this? And like, so that part was a little scary just because it's like, oh, is it gonna be the same as it was before? Not like just I think there was a dragon down there. I don't mean like just physically, anatomy-wise. I mean like, are you gonna like the same things? Am I gonna do my old same tricks? Are those still gonna be, you know, working out?

SPEAKER_00 21:22

Or by the way, anyone who's curious, no, I did not have any type of bottom surgery that's not in in the books for me, thousand percent.

SPEAKER_02 21:32

Now, is this gonna be like the testosterone thing? No. And you're gonna change your mind? No.

SPEAKER_00 21:36

From the beginning, I have said she can stay. She is the only part of my body that I am comfortable with. She's put away, she's concealed.

SPEAKER_02 21:49

Makes this sound like she's zipped up, glued up, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:52

Which I mean she's she's put away. But yeah, no, it's it's to me that is not even in question. But it's different. Yeah. For every every guy. Like that does not I don't need a a bulge or a penis to feel like myself.

SPEAKER_01 22:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:10

I am comfortable with what I have.

SPEAKER_02 22:13

Yeah. Well, and I think yeah, I mean, I think that was the biggest thing for me was just a little bit of fear of the unknown. Mm-hmm. I mean, even like with you getting top surgery, it was a little bit like, oh well, what's this gonna be like? Because I was so used to you having enormous things. Yeah. So yeah, it was just more the fear of the unknown more than anything.

SPEAKER_01 22:36

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_02 22:37

But it's been fine.

SPEAKER_01 22:38

Well, that's good to know.

SPEAKER_02 22:39

Yeah. It was never a question. So Well that's good. I still love you as I always did.

SPEAKER_01 22:45

Didn't know.

SPEAKER_02 22:45

Maybe I should say I still love you as I always have, did makes it sound like a past. I loved you as a woman, I love you as a man. And I guess I mean kinda lucky for you because I've never considered myself like a 1000% lesbian.

SPEAKER_00 23:02

I know. If you were like diehard, Kinsey Six lesbian, might have changed things.

SPEAKER_02 23:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:09

So maybe it's I don't know. Shit happens for a reason. Yeah. I guess.

SPEAKER_02 23:13

So how was it? Let's get into the kids. How was it telling the kids?

SPEAKER_00 23:17

Easy. Just because they see things in their purest form. And it was again, they were super patient. I did not I did not want to put any strain on them with the pronouns and all that stuff, which is why I'm glad that I wasn't ready to fully accept that. Again, I was like the last person to really it still feels weird talking to myself, like talking to myself about myself in the third person and saying like he, because like even for me, talking about my past for a story's sake, I have to use she, but then it's like that's the old Ryan, like the sins.

SPEAKER_02 23:59

I do the exact same thing when I think back to a story and I'm like she, and then I'm like, wait, can I still say she or should I be saying he? Because at the time it was she, but now it's well my brain confused.

SPEAKER_00 24:13

I've kind of learned we're getting sidetracked, but basically, like back then, she, or I was, you know, whatever. But, anyways, yeah, the kids were like amazing. I wish adults could be like them, just because they saw me as mommy ryan. Luckily, we well, you ordered those books, and I think that was a really great way to navigate, especially with Living Gray, because they both had their own feelings about it. Like Liv was the most resistant, yeah. Because, and I was in no way, shape, or form gonna pressure her to move any quicker than she was comfortable. Because I mean, we're a family, we're not going anywhere.

SPEAKER_02 24:58

I feel like Grayson had always struggled a little bit with having two moms, having to say, like, I have two moms. And so for him, he was like, Oh, okay, this puts me in like a normal box because now I have a mom and a dad.

SPEAKER_00 25:10

Sweet. I have a dad.

SPEAKER_02 25:12

So I feel like he kind of jumped on that train pretty quickly.

SPEAKER_00 25:15

He jumped on the train. I think Finn was the first to call me dad.

SPEAKER_02 25:19

I mean, he was two, two and a half.

SPEAKER_00 25:22

Yeah, I don't even know if I I mean I've asked him. I don't he, you know, he says he remembers his birth, basically. But he thinks he remembers everything because he knows he is not shocked when he sees, you know, pictures of me with long hair and like feminine. But I remember I was I had the most concerns about Liv just accepting it because she was like, I was like, Do you think you'll ever call me dad? or like whatever. She's like, I don't know. And you know, she's just reluctant to change, but she's really quiet about it. So navigating through those, you know, with those books, and you know, they were kids' books. It's what was the one called?

SPEAKER_02 26:01

I don't remember. He's my mom. That's what I'll have to look, but I'll link them in the show notes.

SPEAKER_00 26:05

Yeah. Uh one of them was he's my mom. And I was like, at that time it worked because I was like, oh yeah, they can still call me mommy Ryan. My you know, niece and nephews could still call me auntie Ryan and whatever. I was like, I'm not gonna pressure anyone to change, and then you know, things started evolving to the point where I didn't want to be misgendered by that. And that's again, everyone needs to have some compassion and patience with themselves because I was not ready to use different pronouns. You were trying them out, and again, even now it's still weird hearing that. But once the kids hopped on board, and I think I I don't even remember, like one day Liv was just fine with it. I think once I started my voice dropped, I started looking more masculine and masculine presenting. She thought it was weird to call me mom when I clearly look like a dad. And I was like, okay. And you know, I kind of let them just drive that navigate that journey, and I just kind of hopped on.

SPEAKER_02 27:12

She got to the point where she stood up for you. I don't remember what happened, but with pronouns? Yeah, your mom or dad or somebody used the wrong pronoun and she jumped in and corrected, and we're like, And that that was probably I've honestly kind of forgotten about that, but those moments are probably the most impactful and like the most special.

SPEAKER_00 27:34

Because no offense, you can you can correct people all day long, me personally, you in my presence. But like when your kids stand up for you when you're supposed to be standing up for them, it's like holy shit, like you really like get stuff and you really have your own opinions and you're on my team. Yeah, that was pretty cool. Because it's like, all right, they have my back. Because I mean, you know, kept them alive for a decade. They should, but it was just it was really cool because I did not want to have not necessarily like an influence over them. I wanted them to form their own opinions about it. But yeah, and then it's gonna be interesting when Violet finds out because it's like I have these chapters, and it's like Living Gray started out with two moms, transitioned when they fully were well aware of what was happening. Finn, he's borderline. Do you really remember? Not really. He pretty much grew up with dad. He didn't know mommy Ryan. Violet only knows dad.

SPEAKER_02 28:42

I think that it will be similar for her as it is for Finn, and that she's really, she's only known you as dad. Finley, I mean, let's be honest, for the most part, has really only known you as dad.

SPEAKER_01 28:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 28:57

He looks at pictures and is like, oh, that's when dad was in a girl's body, or like, you know, whatever. I forget what how he says it, but I think it's gonna be the same for her. I think at some point we'll talk about it and she'll look at pictures and be like, oh, that's when dad was in a girl's body.

SPEAKER_00 29:12

And I think he says, that's before I realized that I was a boy in a girl's body, and before I got my boobs cut off. Well, I mean, you're not you're not wrong, but he gets the concept of like that some people are born and they don't feel like they belong in that body, and he knows that that came later for me than a lot of other people. And yeah, again, it's just matter of fact.

SPEAKER_02 29:37

And I think I think she'll be the same way.

unknown 29:39

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 29:40

Anything else you want to say? Anything else you want to say? No. I mean, we said we were gonna get deep on how I felt, but there wasn't a lot to go into, I realized.

unknown 29:49

No.

SPEAKER_02 29:49

We're still married, we're not getting divorced.

SPEAKER_00 29:52

No. I guess my takeaway, in conclusion, just not being afraid to explore and communicate with your family and your partner or husband or wife or whatever, and like seriously, that was like the messiest. I don't even know like how to put this into words. My brain would not formulate words and sentences that made sense to me, let alone you. But yet it was like, I remember you were just like, I I don't like know what else you want me to say at this point because you're so back and forth. I'm just like letting you do you boo-boo. Even if it comes out as like verbal diarrhea and you're just questioning, I don't I don't know, the most craziest thing about your life or whatever. It's like just either write it down or just blurt it out or whatever and be like, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 30:44

We'll see you tomorrow. Well, I feel like you can't you can't compare your journey to other people's journeys, no, as they say in pretty much every aspect of life. And yeah, you have to have grace with yourself.

SPEAKER_01 30:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 30:56

You have to have grace with others, and in the end, the people who really love you and care about you are gonna be there.

SPEAKER_01 31:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 31:05

And even if they have the challenges of getting your pronouns right or whatever, or understanding how to properly support you, they're still there, they're still showing up. And those are the people that matter.

SPEAKER_00 31:18

Yeah, and I've been pleasantly surprised by the random support that I will get from people, whether it was right after my surgery or something I put on Instagram about, you know, finally getting on testosterone and a milestone of whatever. It's like people that you may not have even talked to in a long, long time will just like randomly send you a text. Or I was gonna say, like, Lori, when I went to dog sit for her last year, she left me a Father's Day card, which is like such a tiny, tiny thing that most people would like take for granted. But I'm like, holy shit, like she sees me and yet we don't we don't hang out, we don't talk on a regular basis. Like, I watch her dogs and stay at her house when they're gone. But like that support, it's like, all right, you do have people who support you, they don't have to be your like very best friends, but it's also disappointing on the other end of that spectrum when you lose a best friend or someone close to you because they don't know how to navigate whatever it is they feel they have to navigate.

SPEAKER_02 32:31

Struggling with their own, whether it be homophobic, transphobic, whatever ideals they've grown up with that they may not have even realized they had until it happens.

SPEAKER_00 32:41

Uh you try and say to yourself it's not it's n has nothing to do with you, but in this case it did.

SPEAKER_02 32:50

It really didn't have to do with you.

SPEAKER_00 32:52

No, but I was the vessel for whatever yeah internal things happening to the surface. Exactly. It's it's kinda like I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 33:02

Made it come to the surface and made that person challenge their own something beliefs. Yeah. And unfortunately, the beliefs won.

SPEAKER_00 33:12

Well, whatever it was, won, which it is what it is.

SPEAKER_02 33:16

Like I said, the ones who are here, the ones who love you and support you, no matter what, are the important ones.

SPEAKER_00 33:23

Yeah. But losing the ones who leave.

SPEAKER_02 33:26

No.

SPEAKER_00 33:26

I mean that's I mean that that took a long time to get over.

SPEAKER_02 33:30

It's a grieving process.

SPEAKER_00 33:31

Yeah. But also, I mean, my parents have had a very difficult time adjusting, and I think it has put a there's definitely space between us in terms of, oh, you used to be like this, you used to be like that, you know, you used to be so I I don't know. You you I don't know the last time you've given me a hug and whatever, like, I don't know, a lot of times it's it's how I used to be. I'm like, well, I mean, that's part of growing up too, but also I feel different because I'm maybe I was just pretending that and overcompensating for something, and this is my true self, and take it for what it's worth, and you know, but also I don't think they fully understand all the elements.

SPEAKER_02 34:14

All right, that wraps us up. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for sharing your two-part story.

SPEAKER_00 34:21

Enough about me already. Jesus. I know.

SPEAKER_02 34:22

Sorry you had to talk so much. I feel like I was quiet a lot.

SPEAKER_00 34:26

Yeah. Next episode, you're it's all about Julie. All about Julie.

SPEAKER_02 34:30

Okay. Well, we haven't decided that yet. We'll see. Anyway, if you're enjoying the show, please go and follow and give us a rating, a five-star rating, preferably, and share it with friends. Find us on Instagram at the stories we leave you. And let us know if you have any questions, any ideas for episodes, any stories you're doing. Yeah. Otherwise, we'll see you next time. Bye. Bye.