Growing Up Walking on Eggshells: Childhood Trauma, Abuse & Toxic Family Dynamics

In this deeply personal episode of The Stories We Leave, we shift the focus to Julie’s childhood—growing up in a small rural town in Missouri with young parents, a close-knit family, and a life that from the outside might have looked simple. But beneath that surface was a home shaped by control, fear, and instability. Julie shares what it was like navigating an abusive household, where everything revolved around keeping the peace, and how early experiences with emotional and physical abuse impacted her sense of safety, identity, and relationships.

This is part 1 of a 2-part episode, where we begin unpacking the realities of childhood trauma—living with an unpredictable parent, witnessing domestic violence, and growing up in survival mode. Julie opens up about the contrast between fear and normalcy, the role her mom played as a steady and safe presence, and how those early years shaped the way she approaches parenting, relationships, and healing today.

We also start to uncover another layer of Julie’s story as the conversation leads into addiction and its role in her family dynamic—something we’ll dive deeper into in part 2. Through humor, honesty, and vulnerability, this episode highlights how even the hardest childhood experiences can lead to growth, perspective, and a commitment to doing things differently.

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, you’re not alone. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or visit thehotline.org for confidential support.

New episodes drop every Wednesday. Follow the show so you don’t miss what’s next, and find us on Instagram to be part of the conversation. We’d love to hear your questions!

Julie is a podcast manager who helps people tell the stories they’ve been too scared to share. If you’ve been thinking about starting a podcast… this is your sign. https://juliebeckllc.com/

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:05

I'm Ryan. I'm Julie. And this is the stories we leave you. Alright. Let's get crack a lackin. Let's talk about let's talk about you this time. I talked enough the last two episodes.

SPEAKER_00 0:18

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 0:19

Alright. In a nutshell, childhood. Go.

SPEAKER_00 0:23

Well, my mom was seventeen when I was born. My dad was twenty. They met. Which means she was probably what?

SPEAKER_03 0:32

I mean like sixteen at least when they were doing it. Ew. That's so illegal.

SPEAKER_00 0:37

Why do you have to say that?

SPEAKER_03 0:38

I'm just saying, she you when you were born, she was seventeen, but they realistically.

SPEAKER_00 0:43

That's not how I was created. Other people in the world, perhaps. Me, no. They just just one time. Yeah. Bam. Pregnant. Gross.

SPEAKER_02 0:54

Little baby Jesus.

SPEAKER_00 0:59

Anyhow. Yes. So they were very young. They met in high school and were dating. My mom was from a very religious family. Specifically, my grandma, super religious, like always went to church. The kind of religious where you don't teach your kids about pregnancy or how babies are made. You just ignore it.

unknown 1:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:24

Or pretend it's just think if we don't talk about it, if they don't know about it, then they won't do it, which obviously is not true. And yeah, so super religious. My dad was adopted by my grandparents. And I mean, they were religious too, like they went to church, but not on the same scale as my grandma, that's for sure. Anyway, so they met, they dated for a while. Yeah, so my mom gets pregnant, and of course, my grandma being very religious and it being the 1980s, it was still common for if you're pregnant, you need to get married. And so I don't know that it was even a question. It was just like, okay, you guys are getting married.

SPEAKER_03 2:08

And was an abortion even an option?

SPEAKER_00 2:12

God, no.

SPEAKER_03 2:13

My grandma was so Not not an option in terms of actually getting one, but did your mom ever think about it?

SPEAKER_02 2:21

Did you ever ask her?

SPEAKER_00 2:23

I did not ask her, but at that point, it like how I mean, I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 2:28

I don't know if that would have I would just be curious if her brain was shit, I need to fix this, or just accepting that she was pregnant and gonna have a kid because of where she grew up.

SPEAKER_00 2:42

I don't think she would have wanted to.

SPEAKER_03 2:46

Have an abortion?

SPEAKER_00 2:47

Yeah. Not that maybe that that didn't cross her mind, but I think just based on knowing my mom, it was probably like I don't think that's a Fuck, I have to have a baby now. Yeah, I don't think that's the way she would have gone. But yeah, so anyway, they got married in the wedding pictures. I don't think you can even tell my mom's pregnant.

SPEAKER_03 3:07

So how soon did they get married?

SPEAKER_00 3:10

I don't know. Within nine months.

SPEAKER_03 3:12

Did your dad even like formally propose, or it was like okay, you guys have to get married.

SPEAKER_00 3:17

No idea.

SPEAKER_03 3:18

You should write all this down and ask her one day.

SPEAKER_00 3:20

Well, she'll listen to this podcast. And mom, if you're listening, please respond with your answers. Yeah, so they got married, had me, and you know, that's just what it was. And I don't know, my mom said that I used to like watch wrestling with my dad. Apparently that was a thing when I was little. But uh I have two brothers. My middle brother, Justin, we're three years apart, and my other brother is three years apart from Justin. Jeremy is the youngest. And yeah, it was always the three of us growing up. So my mom was 17, 21, 24 when she had her kids. So she was like done early in her prime, full into mothering.

SPEAKER_03 4:08

I couldn't even imagine having a child at twenty-four. No, it's let alone being done, having three.

SPEAKER_00 4:14

Yeah, because we didn't have our first kids, so we were thirty.

SPEAKER_03 4:17

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 4:18

Which is crazy. Like, I remember thinking when I was a teenager, I was like, I can't even imagine being a mom right now.

SPEAKER_03 4:25

I mean, looking back, I honestly I'm still not ready to be a parent. But yeah, having kids like right at the cutoff, like right before we turn 30, it would well, were you already 30? You were already 30. But I'm like, okay. I feel old, but I still feel really young. Like, I don't I I don't know. It was just like, all right, let's just this is an okay time. Yeah. But in my twenties, fuck no.

SPEAKER_00 4:51

Yeah. I remember watching like teen mom. I was like, oh my god, that was my mom. Like she was that age.

SPEAKER_03 4:57

Well, just knowing the way that I acted in my early twenties was like not only dangerous to myself, but also like that I mean, not to say that behavior would have continued if I had had a child, but still, it's like, how is anyone responsible enough? Like, kudos to those who do it, but yeah. Physically, uh, sure, you can have a baby, but like mentally, like I said, like I'm 41 now and I feel like I may just be getting into the mindset of adulthood.

SPEAKER_00 5:30

I feel like it if you choose to have a child at that age, it obviously makes you grow up faster, changes. I mean, depending on the person, like some people fight it, but yeah. I mean, my mom didn't really get to have a normal childhood. She didn't finish school. She did at some point get her GED, but she didn't finish school, didn't go to college, then you know, she just jumped into life and being a mom.

SPEAKER_03 6:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 6:01

She didn't really have much of a choice.

SPEAKER_00 6:03

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I grew up, we lived in a rural part of Missouri. Went to school in a small town, very small. I think my graduating class was like 130 something, 140 something. So not necessarily as small as like literally everybody knows each other, but I mean, everybody pretty much knows each other. But I think we lived it up the other day and the population now is like 3,000. But I think that's just the people who live like in town. Like we lived, we were probably 15 minutes from town. So I don't think we were considered part of that. Are you talking about Buffalo?

SPEAKER_01 6:42

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 6:43

Being from town. Buffalo was the town, Buffalo Town. Okay. Buffalo town. But we lived, I think we were considered like Elkland, which is like tiny. Yeah. So we grew up on my f my grandpa's property. So my um my dad's parents, they had a house, had 40 acres. My grandpa had a huge garden. Um, we pretty much always had like cows. I think at one point they had pigs. I don't really remember that. I think it might have been before my time, but so were you always like outside playing? Yeah. So my parents would like literally make me go outside and lock the door, and we had to stay outside pretty much all day. So we went, which looking like now being a millennial parent, there's no way I would have just locked my kids out of the house because we went they'd be gone. We had 40 acres to explore. We didn't stay on our 40 acres either. We crossed the fence onto our neighbor's property and we'd explore some of theirs too.

SPEAKER_03 7:43

Weren't you like afraid of being like shot by hunters? No. I was a kid, I didn't know the difference. I'm just saying, like, did people hunt on the land?

SPEAKER_00 7:52

Yeah, not our land, but I'm sure the neighbors did. But I mean, my grandpa and I think my dad might have hunted a little, but my grandpa would go hunting.

SPEAKER_03 8:02

Hashtag I survived the 80s and 90s.

SPEAKER_00 8:04

But I mean we had a pond on our property. We went out, we'd play in the creek, we'd play around the pond. Drowning. Yeah, I mean, we didn't really like get in the pond because it was disgusting. Ooh, did the cows go in it and stuff? Yes. Gross. But it was also just like when you stepped in it, you know that like real wet, muddy.

SPEAKER_03 8:21

I know enough from doing like the tough mudder grossness. Yeah. And there weren't even cows in that.

SPEAKER_00 8:26

I was too scared. I was afraid something was hiding in that mud that was gonna get me probably snapping turtles or something. But yeah, we'd go spend like hours in the woods and I mean same, but I was in suburbia.

SPEAKER_03 8:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:41

We're we're doing a lot of the same stuff. You had a little patch, little patch of trees. We had 40 acres worth of trees. Yeah. So yeah, that was most of my childhood. My dad eventually owned his own business. He had a four-wheeler shop where he worked on people's motorcycles and four-wheelers. And so we always had like we were four-wheelers all the time as kids.

SPEAKER_03 9:03

And what'd your mom do?

SPEAKER_00 9:04

So I don't know if I know that. My mom did a few different things. She at one point was like a nurse's assistant, I think, or something like that. Um she did go back to college, or did go to college after she got her GED, I guess, and I don't know what exactly.

SPEAKER_02 9:22

Where'd she go to college?

SPEAKER_00 9:24

Um, I think it was just like community college. I don't even remember like what it was actually for, but I mean I remember when she got her associates. Yeah, just like I think she had to get the GED before she could do the nursing assistant. But she did that for a little while and then she did I think after that, she started driving a bus. And she did the bus while she was also helping run my dad's business. So like she'd go drive in the morning, work at the business all day, drive in the afternoons.

SPEAKER_03 9:52

Was this after your brothers were born?

SPEAKER_00 9:54

Mm-hmm. Yeah, and I mean my dad did other things too before he got to that point.

SPEAKER_03 9:58

But got to what point?

SPEAKER_00 10:01

Uh owning the bike shop. Well, I thought we were segues. Dun dun dun. I guess we are now. Foreshadow. Foreshadow. So yeah, so that was pretty much We're not there yet. No, we're not there yet. I'll get there in a second. Okay. I mean, like I said, my grandma was religious. We used to go over to my grandma's a lot. Like my mom would take us in the summer and drop us off. We'd stay there for a week, two weeks, went to Bible camp, vacation Bible school, I should say. And went to church camp. I did I did not do that. No church camps for you? No church camps. Is your Jewish? So anyway, we'd always go to like vacation bible school, church camp. We were kind of like kind of like say like holiday Jews. Oh, I was a holiday Jew. Yeah, that's kind of how we were. Like my my grandparents went every every week. Like that was their thing. Even on like I think they want Wednesdays too.

SPEAKER_02 10:55

So I remember Wednesdays being a big day for Christian people.

SPEAKER_00 10:58

Yeah. But like my family, like me, my dad did not go. I don't know if I ever saw my dad go to church. But unless maybe it was a time that him and my mom fought and he was sucking up. Maybe he went. But even then I don't remember. We would go to my grandma's church for the holidays. And yeah, so it was either like when we were visiting or just holidays and stuff. But my parents were not really religious. They didn't go to church. Yeah. And so that was pretty much my upbringing. Except for, you know, the trauma that I didn't mention yet. Should we get into it?

SPEAKER_03 11:34

Yeah, I need to get a soda though. Okay. Anyways.

SPEAKER_00 11:37

Alright. So trauma, where do I even start? Good, bad, the ugly.

SPEAKER_03 11:42

Well I don't know if there's anything good about trauma. No. Alright, so when when was it that you cause like for me growing up, there was kind of like a turning point at which I realized like, okay, like something's off in the family. My parents started fighting a lot, and it was like, alright, what was going on? So like for you, here's little Julie, happy as can be, with her two baby brothers, playing outside in the cowdo. Gross. Playing outside in the cow. We might have played with cow paddoes. Playing outside and you're 40 acres.

SPEAKER_00 12:20

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_03 12:20

Whatnot. Like, when did you ever first get that sense that it's like, oh, I don't know. Maybe my dad's not such a great person, or my parents don't seem happy. Yeah. Um. Or was there a turning point, or was it was it wow. Was there a turning point, or was it like a slow boil?

SPEAKER_00 12:44

I don't think there was a turning point because I think that's just how it always was. Like, they always fought. Dad always got mad. We always had to tiptoe around dad. Don't do anything to piss him off. Oh, dad's gone. Thank God. What a relief. So that was your norm. We can relax, yes. So like I remember when I I don't remember how old I was, probably elementary school. He was gone. I don't know where he was. I don't know if he was like driving a truck at the time or what he was doing, but I just remember he was out of town, like at least for the weekend. And it was a big deal because like my dad was gone so we could like have fun. So I got to like sleep in my mom's bed. We laid in bed and like we might have even watched a movie. We got to make chocolate because my dad didn't really like chocolate things, so we didn't have brownies or chocolate cake because dad didn't like chocolate. So like him being gone was like, okay, good, we can do our own thing. And everyone was just way more relaxed. That's probably the earliest memory I remember thinking, like I guess realizing how different it was when he was gone versus when he was there. No, it was just always always a thing. Like everything was kind of catered to dad. Meaning like if he didn't like something to eat, we didn't do it. If he didn't like something, I mean everything. If he didn't like the show, we didn't watch it. If he didn't want to do this, we didn't do it. And yeah, it was just all about him and what he wanted. And I don't remember I'm trying to think back if I can remember like their earliest fight. Like there's obviously fights that stick out on my head because they were probably worse than the norm. Like I remember him getting mad at my middle brother one time, and our house was a spanking house. My mom spanked us. They used like paint paddles, maybe belts. But I remember this time my dad, I don't remember why he was mad, but he was so pissed off at my brother, and he grabbed like a yardstick and started like whacking him, and like he broke it, and he didn't stop when it broke. He like kept going. Because that's my dad used to get so mad that it would just boil, and like once he was going, there wasn't gonna be any stopping.

SPEAKER_02 15:14

That's crazy.

SPEAKER_00 15:16

Yeah. Like now thinking about our kids, oh my god, if I even like if I got mad and smacked their butt, I would feel so freaking bad about it. Like I can't imagine hitting my kid over and over and over again with an object, nonetheless.

SPEAKER_03 15:33

I mean, I've had moments where I'm like, I would love to just smack the shit out of you right now, but I wouldn't do it. No. Let alone grab an object and do it.

SPEAKER_00 15:45

Yeah. And my mom wasn't like that. And it would be like a one and done thing. Yeah, exactly. Like, and that's more how my mom was. It was like, okay, you did something, you have to be punished. Spank spank. We go on about our lives. But dad, it was like, no, he It's jailworthy. Yeah, I agree.

SPEAKER_03 16:03

Like, what did your mom do when that was happening?

SPEAKER_00 16:06

I think a lot of times she would try to like I don't really remember, because obviously, like that's where my vision goes, but I think I do remember her. Like what were you thinking? She tried to say his name, like, okay, that's good. Like, but also she was scared of him. So what what were your thoughts? I mean, how old were you? When that happened, I don't know, maybe a preteen or a teen. I honestly don't remember. I mean, I was terrified. I was scared. I was scared because you never knew like what he was gonna do, what was gonna happen next. And of course I felt horrible for my brother. Like, I didn't want him treating my brother like that. Like, I remember one particular fight. Again, don't even know what he was mad about. He was mad at my mom about something. And I remember me and my brothers sitting, I think we were on the couch, and my dad was just going crazy. He was going around the house, like breaking things, and he was in our entryway, and he had my mom's purse, and he was like whacking on the ground over and over again, and like I'm crying, my brothers are crying, I'm trying to like hold them. I think we might have ended up going to my room at some point, and like the three of us just stayed in my room. So with my mom, he didn't it wasn't like one of those abusive relationships where he was like physically punching her. Not that he didn't, he his big thing was shoving. He would shove her, he would throw things at her. I'm trying to think he might have kicked her, but I don't remember him like punching or slapping or things like that. So I mean definitely still abusive, but but not maybe it's like, oh, if I don't use my hands, I'm not being abusive. I don't know. I don't know. So yeah, his big thing was like he loved throwing things and breaking things. He was always abusive with his words, loved calling people names. So yeah, so with my mom, like, yeah, if he was physical, but he didn't like punch her in the face and leave bruises. Not that kind of oh, you're like reading my mind.

SPEAKER_03 18:12

I'm like no visual evidence.

SPEAKER_00 18:14

Yeah, pretty much. I mean, she probably did have bruises because he threw things at her and stuff like that, but and shoved her, like she fell plenty of times, which is just anything to I don't know, just insert your power.

SPEAKER_03 18:28

Break her down, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:29

Yeah, and like, you know, of course that had to be like especially as a fucking adult, falling. Uh falling sucks. Yeah, falling down as an adult is embarrassing, and I feel like shoving her was just his way of yeah, it's humiliating, but also like I need to make sure you know I'm the boss, I'm the one that's in charge.

SPEAKER_01 18:53

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 18:54

So he didn't really touch me. I know he probably um abused my middle brother, but he worked with him. So we had a garage, which we called the shop, and that's where my dad like worked on a lot of stuff. Four wheelers, cars, whatever. And he made my brother work out there with him a lot. So unfortunately, I don't know like what happened when they were out there, but I know.

SPEAKER_03 19:18

Well, if he was like that in front of everybody, I can't imagine what it was like.

SPEAKER_00 19:23

Well, and I feel like because I was his daughter, he probably handled things differently with me. But it was more like, you know, one time I mouthed off and he like smacked me upside the head and the other side of my head hit the fridge. But that was all that he did. Like it didn't go any further than that. And he I remember overhearing him talking to my mom in the living room because I wouldn't clean my room. I was probably a preteen. And he said I was a lazy bitch, and I remember just being like, my own parents just called me a lazy bitch. Hopefully, it hasn't affected me today. I'm not worried about being called lazy, I don't think.

SPEAKER_03 20:04

I was gonna say You have resting bitch face sometimes, but I don't think I don't think you're lazy at all.

SPEAKER_00 20:12

That's good, thanks.

SPEAKER_03 20:13

And if you are being lazy, you have a right to pee. But I know your brain's not lazy.

SPEAKER_00 20:18

No, not at all. My brain won't shut up most of the time. But I don't remember there being a whole lot with us as kids. My youngest brother peed the bed until my mom left my dad. Once she moved out, he stopped peeing the bed.

SPEAKER_02 20:35

I was that middle school for him?

SPEAKER_00 20:37

So I was 18. Oh I'm six years older, so he was like a preteen, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 20:42

I mean, again, it's crazy because I had accidents way, way longer than I should have, but I didn't have that kind of that particular trauma going on. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:54

I mean, yeah, I mean, obviously there's no like proof that that's necessarily what it was, but I'm sure it didn't hop. Kind of coinky dinky that it stuck right around that time. But I mean, also he was about to be a teenager, so maybe that helped too. But yeah, I remember it would be, you know, my mom was really scared to leave. She had three kids she had to take care of, and my dad wasn't the kind of guy that was just like, okay, we'll get out of here, bye. It was like, no, he's controlling, he's abusive, so it was really scary. So I remember one time, so he okay, so he would tell her to get out. He went in one time, and I remember him taking all of her clothes and throwing them out the door, but then if she actually tried to leave, he like did something to the car because mind you, he worked on four-wheelers and cars, and so he did something to where she couldn't leave.

SPEAKER_03 21:49

All while his parents were living just down the driveway. Yes. In that house. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 21:54

Did they know about it? Honestly, I have no idea. Did your other grandparents know about it? No, I don't think so. Not until years later. Really? Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_03 22:06

Because if they had known, do you think they would have been like, Okay, bring the kids over here, come live with us, or would it be that kind of lifetime movie where it's like, oh, he's doing it because he loves you, or he's always been that way. Like what do you think his parents' reactions would have been versus your mom's parents? Because from what you've told me, I feel like oddly enough, your dad's parents seem like much cooler grandparents, in a way that it was like, I don't know, go outside, have fun, like enjoy life.

SPEAKER_00 22:42

And your mom's parents were like, God, homeopathic things. No, okay, so when I did go over to my mom's parents, my aunt was also, so my mom's youngest sibling was only four years older than me. And so we actually kind of grew up like sisters, like we were pretty close growing up. We would my grandma would drop us off at the pool, so we'd go to the pool by ourselves. You know, we were always outside playing in the backyard. They had a big backyard and chickens and all that. So we'd play out there or wander around the neighborhood. I mean, they were fine. I enjoyed going over there. I enjoyed spending time with them. So they weren't like when it came to other things later down the road, yes, of course. Like my grandma but you can say but it was a cur curse word to her. So things like that. And I remember it was like, oh, you can't watch Disney movies because Disney like celebrated Pride Month or something one time, so like that's off limits now. And you know, things like that. And I got my love of like, you know, musical theater from watching musicals at my grandma's and stuff like that. So they weren't like bad people. Happy memories then. Yeah, the religion comes into play later in life, I would say more. My dad's parents, my granny was I mean, I loved her, like I thought she was great. She apparently I've heard from you know, like my mother and things like that. Like she wasn't always like the nicest person, but that was kind of like a daughter-mother-in-law relationship, so I don't you know, I was a kid, I didn't know the difference. My grandpa was basically like the sweetest man I ever knew, and he was just so gentle. Like one time he was going to spank me, and he like went as far as undoing his belt, but I don't think he could spank his little girl. Like he wanted, he was really excited to show me like a deer that he shot one time, and I cried. I think he felt horrible after that. So yeah, like I loved my grandpa, he was great. I don't know if any of them really knew what was going on, and if they did know something, I feel like it was kind of you mind your own business.

SPEAKER_03 25:04

Yeah, it's his family.

SPEAKER_00 25:07

And even like my dad's sister, she yeah, she was one of my favorite people in the world too, and I spent as much time with her as I could growing up, and so like she would come home. She lived in Springfield for a while, eventually she moved to New York, so we didn't get to see her as much. But I remember she would be there and like he did things to her too. Like, I remember like some of the stories from childhood, like he wasn't always nice to her, and I remember one particular, it was 4th of July. She was visiting, she had her dog with her, and he like threw a firework. He was throwing fireworks at people. Like, I think he threw something towards us, and we were jumping around, he threw something at her dog, and she said something about it. Well, then he got pissed and threw it at her because you can't say anything to him about being wrong or doing something you don't like, because then it pisses him off. And I remember she left and she didn't come visit for a couple of weeks.

SPEAKER_03 26:04

Oh, that's a boundary if you've ever seen one set.

SPEAKER_00 26:06

Yeah, and I was just like so upset about it. But even with those kinds of things, I don't know if she knew everything that happened in our house. Because it's like, of course, he doesn't go that full extent when other people are around. It's you wait until everyone's alone and you take it out on the people who you're supposed to love the most. Right. And then they don't know your secrets, the rest of the world. Because everyone else who met my dad, you when you met my dad, he seemed like this funny, charming guy. Don't bring that up. I mean, it's true. That's what other people thought too.

SPEAKER_03 26:37

A thousand percent true.

SPEAKER_00 26:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 26:39

A thousand percent. Your dad was I did not understand the things that you were telling me about him and how they like were true. Yeah. Not to say, like, oh, you're lying about him, but yeah, he was stupid funny. Oh, yeah. Like the epitome of dad jokes and whatever, but like lighthearted, seemed like he loved like just wanted to have a good time, and you know, it was always kind of like, oh, what does he think about me? Because at the time you were in a lesbian relationship, and you know, he joked around about calling me your boyfriend and whatever, like jokes on you. But yeah, it was it it took a a grain of sand of what you explained for him to show in front of me. Well, it wasn't even in to my face, it was behind my back to you.

SPEAKER_00 27:34

Yeah, so that story was my dad came to visit when Grayson and Olivia were probably three or four years old, and he stayed with us for what, like a week or something? He was here for a little bit.

SPEAKER_03 27:45

Jeremy was living with us too.

SPEAKER_00 27:47

And pretty much Ryan had made a joke. This was before Ryan had transitioned.

SPEAKER_03 27:53

I basically so I'm one of those people that I will joke, but also insert something that you know I want to say as well. It's almost like a aggressive, like, let me joke. If you don't know me, yeah, it can come off as very like kind of dickhole-ish. But I was like, the toilet seat was up. And I grew up in a house where toilet seats like get put down, but also like just fucking do that. Know your audience, know who you're around, you're a guest in someone's house. So I walk in and I'm like, oh my god, the toilet seat's up. That's gross and annoying. And when I came out of the bathroom, I walked into the kitchen and I was like, you know, for being in a house full of lesbians, you could put the seat down.

SPEAKER_00 28:44

Or you're gonna have to put it on.

SPEAKER_03 28:45

Or you're gonna have to learn to put the seat down with being in a house with lesbians. And that was it. Nothing was immediately said back or it just it went on like, you know, oh.

SPEAKER_00 29:00

Yeah, and then like I don't remember anything after that. So fast forward probably like 30 minutes later, you left to go somewhere. I don't know, your parents or my dad to somewhere. And obviously, this had been festering because again, you can't correct my dad in any way or embarrass him or anything.

SPEAKER_03 29:18

Cut two, I come home expecting the same vibe that I left it in, and I walk through the front door, and I immediately know something is off. Her dad's upstairs. We have a split level, so we I walk in, dad's in the kitchen, I go downstairs, Julie is aggressively folding laundry. And I was like, What is happening? When you know somebody, you know the vibe is off, you know the aura is off, everything. I was like, what is happening? And she was just completely shut down. She wouldn't even talk to me. You wouldn't talk to me. I don't know why I'm talking.

SPEAKER_00 29:54

I think I was too upset at the time.

SPEAKER_03 29:56

Uh yeah, you were on the verge of crying if you hadn't already been. I probably already was. Now, flashback. What happened while Ryan was gone?

SPEAKER_00 30:06

He made some comment and I was like, What? And he was like, Oh, Ryan was being a bitchy cunt. And like just the way he said it was so hateful and angry. Basically, he was pissed off that you had said something to him about putting the toilet seat down. And I was like, Well, if you have that much of a problem with Ryan, then you can leave.

SPEAKER_03 30:26

Which my history with my father You don't tell him to leave, he tells you to leave.

SPEAKER_00 30:31

Not even that. The fact that I was able to stand up to him was like you think that was more upsetting to you? That took all of my effort, my adrenaline, everything. So you're like, and I'm done, I have to go. Bye. Yeah. Pretty much he started getting his bags and put them all by the stairs. He didn't drive himself, by the way. He couldn't drive, I'm pretty sure at the time. There was nowhere for him to go. So he like packs all of his stuff. I go in a different room, I start, I'm just bawling, folding laundry, doing whatever I can to just get out of the situation. I do remember I was cleaning out the dishwasher or something later, and he came over and apologized, and I didn't say a word, I just started bawling. I didn't even look at him, I just kept doing that. So that's an example of how the littlest things would set him off. And then obviously the impact of that trauma that had on me. I mean, I was 34 at the time, so like years later.

SPEAKER_03 31:26

Watching all these documentaries now and hearing all these stories about bad people in the world, a lot of them are charming. Like Ted Bundy.

SPEAKER_01 31:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 31:37

Handsome, funny, charming, killed a bunch of women. But it seems to be a theme in his life from other people, like, oh yeah, it was great until he shows this side of himself that he clearly needs therapy on, which it's pretty much too late for that. Yeah. But I think it was almost like it's not like you primed me, but you primed me because it was like, don't fall for it. And I'm like, well, maybe that was a thing that was in his past or whatever. And I was like, I'm gonna give him the benefit of the doubt. Like, he's not doing anything, I guess, in the present now. Like, I kind of followed your lead on it in terms of okay, you wanna introduce our kids to them? Like, you didn't even introduce him to me the first time I met him, well, saw him. Granted, you were still married at the time. But I was just a friend in your house, and he came in, and I remember I was like, Oh, that's Julie's dad, because unfortunately, yes, I was like thinking, Whoa, they look identical. That is definitely her dad. But you didn't introduce me, and like I thought it was a little weird, but I like now knowing it was like, Oh, you don't need to know him.

SPEAKER_00 32:56

And then well, it was also your family's very different than mine, and that your family's very formal. If there's not an introduction, someone's offended. If you don't say hello, even though you know you see them all the time, someone's offended. My family's not like that, but yeah. Another time I remember is I had come home from college and it was the first Christmas. I had come home, and my parents were actually separated at this point, but my dad had talked my mom into coming over, spending Christmas, having us all there, and I remember he went off about he was getting pissed about something. I made some smart ass comment again. I went to my room, he came in, and that's the first time I ever thought he was going to hit me because I wasn't backing down to whatever he was saying to me, and I was like, you know, standing my ground. And I remember he like pulled his arm back, and I was I stood there and I'm like, if you're gonna hit me, then hit me. And of course he didn't. He left the room.

SPEAKER_02 34:00

Because you're a scary ass bitch, not a lazy bitch, scary.

SPEAKER_00 34:04

Well, I think it was the first time he'd been stood up to like that. Like, I don't think my mom stood up to him like that because I mean she couldn't, different situation. But I guess because I like didn't live at home anymore, it was kind of like my out. I was like, You fucking hit me, you'll never see me again. I left, I texted my ex-brother-in-law, not at the time ex-brother, now ex-brother-in-law, but you know, I texted him because they lived like five minutes away, and I was like, I'm walking toward your house, come get me. And I remember I was walking down the gravel road and he pulls up and I'm getting ready to get in the truck with him, and then here come my parents in the car, and of course, I don't know if my dad apologized at that point, but my mom was like, Please just come back, blah blah blah. And I don't know if he ever did apologize to me, but I complied and came back and he didn't act like that again, but yeah, it was just things like that. Like he didn't directly abuse me, but he was abusive. Always with his words, always with using control and fear on everyone. He was abusive with my mom. And I know like after they divorced, he was with other women, and I'm pretty sure he was a lot more abusive with some of his other partners, more so physically than I feel like Do you think it's because he had less to lose?

SPEAKER_03 35:28

I think he had a wife and three children.

SPEAKER_00 35:30

I think he'd already lost his wife and his children for the most part. Yeah. And I think with the other women it was different. He didn't have that same, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 35:38

But so on top of all of that, insert the drugs. Yeah. So again, I just wanna I just wanna point out that you and I getting together and having pretty much the same values and outlook on life. Yeah. Two separate households, completely different upbringings, somewhat similar similar trauma, but on very different levels. Yeah. But we luckily made it out of that s relatively unscathed. Yeah. And we're raising our children with a very different parenting style.

SPEAKER_00 36:24

Yeah. And I do want to insert just about my mom, real quick. Yes, she spanked us, and I do give her shit for that sometimes now. I got spanked once that I can remember. Yeah, I got spanked all the time.

SPEAKER_03 36:36

Like I remember It was embarrassing though. I remember like I was Why was it embarrassing? Because I didn't get spanked. I got I I got empty threats, which is where my empty threats go. Yeah. So it was like, oh, you're like, I didn't get grounded like you think typical grounding is. I just got yelled at a lot. Yeah. But the one time I remember, I don't even know what it was for, but it was like, all right, I'm gonna spank you now. And it was like just very like step by step hair color.

SPEAKER_00 37:09

I don't When you did the spanking, your mom or your dad?

SPEAKER_03 37:12

I don't, I think it was my mom. I think. I'm pr no, I'm pretty sure because as her being a teacher, you know, it had to be like, all right, step one, step two, step three. And I just remember it was like, you know, pull down your pants. And I was like, I don't, I don't want to. And like pull down your pants.

SPEAKER_00 37:28

I don't remember if we pulled down our pants to get spanked.

SPEAKER_03 37:30

Well, I guess if I was gonna get spanked, I was gonna get spanked. But it didn't even hurt. And it was like a one like bop thing. I don't even I don't know if it was our hand or what, but I was just like, this is this is not gonna work in your favor. Like, this is not making an impression except for the fact that this is really embarrassing for me.

SPEAKER_00 37:50

Yeah, so I remember, so my mom one time, I remember her and dad, they might have been at work and I was supposed to do something while they were gone, like clean out the dishwasher or something. And they got back, and I remember I think this might have been the last time she spanked me. I think I was 14. She came home and she was so mad and so frustrated, she made me go in my room and she spanked me. I don't even remember if she used the paint stir that she usually used or what she did. But I just remember I'm pretty sure we were both crying. Like But it was like, no, she would spank me, it would be like a couple of swats. It was more of a bonding moment because it's like I'm upset, you're upset. Like, can we just not make us well make each other upset? And then there's the time we were in the kitchen, and she slapped you, yeah. Because I was like, I mouthed something, and I knew when I said it, I was like, she's gonna slap me. And so I just like braced myself, sure enough. And I was like, Okay, back to life. So yeah, so my mom slapped me. But the reason I'm bringing those up is because yes, my mom was a spanker, she s did smack me a couple of times when I mouthed off, but like that's how she was raised. She had kids starting at 17. She didn't have the opportunity to learn anything different, like she didn't know that's all she knew. So I don't blame her for that. And I just want to say, I think the only reason I did have a good childhood and probably gonna cry. Probably. You're definitely crying. I'm thankful for my mom that she wasn't, you know, because a lot of kids don't have at least one parent who is someone normal who is the stable parent. And I can't imagine being in your twenties, raising three kids, basically by yourself, and having to also shield all of that and be the steady person for your kids. And I mean, I know that was a lot on her, so well, like I've said, when I first met your mom, again, all the things you would tell me about your childhood and like how your dad was with her, I was like, what?

SPEAKER_03 40:03

Yeah, that I don't get it because your mom just doesn't strike me that yeah, your mom can shut down, obviously, whether that was because of how your dad treated her or what, but like I I can't imagine someone pushing your mom around.

SPEAKER_00 40:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 40:21

And her just like taking it.

SPEAKER_00 40:23

She's definitely a different person now than she was then. Like, I remember when she finally did leave him. Like, it's the silliest little thing about like going to a restaurant and her like complaining about something on the menu or like crest questioning the waiter or something. I don't remember exactly what it was, but I just remember thinking, like, that's not something I'd ever seen my mom do before. Probably because my dad would have been like, Shut up, why are you being a bitch right now? Or like, you know, something like he would have shut her down. She was so quiet, she didn't really state her opinions a lot, and yeah, the big change from now. She loves to share those opinions. Yeah, there was definitely a big change.

SPEAKER_03 41:04

But she has the freedom to do it, so like it makes more sense.

SPEAKER_00 41:08

Yeah. So I just want to give a shout out to my mother because she was that like stable person my entire childhood. So if you're listening, mom, thanks. So anyway, let's get into the drugs. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 41:25

Well, I would like to say that with your dad being the way that he was with you growing up, I am also thankful for your mom because she was your stable person.

SPEAKER_01 41:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 41:39

But I think in a way she is still your stable person to a degree. But for her to come out of that and for you to come out of that the way that you both have is especially with your mom, is pretty impressive because you you know, she growing I I don't want this to sound wrong or mean or offensive, but she was limited in her geographical location. There weren't as many opportunities. You know, she was, I'm assuming, living paycheck to paycheck, things like that. So to look at where she is now from where she was, I don't think she gives herself enough credit as to the things that she can do and more. Yeah. But, you know, because sometimes your mom's reluctant to do things, and maybe that's yeah, how she is used to things going.

SPEAKER_00 42:33

Well, and the reason I wanted to say that too is because I feel like a lot of times you hear these stories of like women being abused, and like, well, why didn't they take the kids away sooner? Why didn't they delete them sooner? But when you're in an abusive situation like that, and yeah, she didn't, like I said, she didn't finish college. She got her GED or high school, she got her GD eventually. She didn't go to college. You know, it's like I have these three kids, what am I gonna do? How am I gonna support them? Like, it's scary, and that's the only thing she'd known for years.

SPEAKER_03 43:04

I feel like it's it's so easy to be on the outside and say, Well, why didn't you just say fuck you? Bye. We are in a happy, non-abusive relationship. If I had to think about logistically moving out of this house and leaving you, quote unquote, with the kids, it's too hard. I don't, I don't know. It's it's easier to stay because of not if it was just me, like yeah, like by. Yeah, but when you have kids to think about and like where are you gonna go? I don't where am I gonna get this money and and like everything on top of dealing with what you're already dealing with? Yeah, it's like that's not possible.

SPEAKER_00 43:47

Well, and she also hadn't been on her own. She went straight from her parents to being married, and so yeah, she didn't even have that. So um I just wouldn't give her a shout out pro that, but she is. also the reason she got out. So now let's get into the drugs because we've only talked about half the story really. That is all for today. We will continue in the next episode. Thank you so much for listening. Please go and follow the show, leave us a review, and find us on Instagram at the Stories We Leave You. See you next time. Bye. Bye. Could you do it a little less aggressive?

unknown 44:32

Bye