"Oh, That's Just the Meth Lab" | Drug Addiction, Family Secrets & Growing Up Too Fast

In this deeply personal and emotional episode, we continue the story with Part 2 of Julie’s childhood—diving into the reality of growing up with a parent struggling with drug addiction, abuse, and instability. From discovering her dad’s meth use to witnessing the paranoia, manipulation, and fear that followed, this episode paints a raw and honest picture of what life looked like behind closed doors. Julie shares what it was like living in isolation, navigating unsafe situations, and even making the terrifying decision to call 911 when things escalated.

As the story unfolds, we get into the aftermath—her mom’s incredibly brave decision to work with the DEA, the arrest, and the complicated emotions that come with loving someone who caused so much harm. This episode doesn’t shy away from the long-term impact of childhood trauma, including fear that followed into adulthood, struggles with boundaries, and the ongoing process of healing. It’s a powerful conversation about survival, resilience, and the messy reality of holding both truth and empathy for a parent who caused pain.

We also talk about what it looks like now—navigating a relationship (or lack of one) with her dad as his health declines, processing guilt, and asking the hard question so many people face: do you owe someone closure just because they’re family? If you’ve ever grown up in a toxic or abusive environment, or struggled with setting boundaries with a parent, this episode will hit close to home.

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, you’re not alone. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or visit thehotline.org or text START to 88788, confidential help is available 24/7.

New episodes drop every Wednesday. Follow the show so you don’t miss what’s next, and find us on Instagram to be part of the conversation. We’d love to hear your questions!

Julie is a podcast manager who helps people tell the stories they’ve been too scared to share. If you’ve been thinking about starting a podcast… this is your sign. Home - Julie Beck LLC

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:05

I'm Ryan.

SPEAKER_00 0:06

I'm Julie.

SPEAKER_01 0:07

And this is the stories we leave you.

SPEAKER_00 0:12

Welcome back to part two. So now let's get into the drugs because we've only talked about half the story, really.

SPEAKER_02 0:22

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 0:23

So, like I said, I know my mom has mentioned at some point my dad was a truck driver, and I think he started drugs then. So I don't know like exactly how long ago this was. Like I don't think I was very old when he drove a truck. I guess he used them to like help him stay awake and drive for whatever speed. Yeah. So fast forward, I think in high school is when I realized or learned, or I don't know, I don't remember how it happened, but my dad was a meth user and he started making meth. I don't remember how I learned all of this. I don't know how I figured it out. My mom and I were very close. She I don't think she had a lot of close friends at the time, and also we lived, like I said, 15 minutes from town, so we were like in the country. So it's not like we had a lot of people surrounding us. We were kind of isolated. And she worked with him all day on top of that. So, you know, we were very close, and she ended up confiding in me a lot, which, you know, I'm sure some people would judge that. Like, you don't put those things on your kid, but like what other choice did she have? But I also am glad that she shared those things with me and that I knew what was going on. Like I knew what was behind it. So my dad was a meth user, which made the abusiveness worse, made him more paranoid. He had cameras, like recording devices. I don't even think it was cameras. It was just You think they were like deer cameras? No, because it wasn't even cameras, it was just recording sound. I don't know what he was using.

SPEAKER_02 2:10

Oh.

SPEAKER_00 2:11

But like her driving a school bus, I think he put one on the bus. And I remember he had them in the house, which is kind of awkward because I know for a fact if he had one in the hallway, which I think was mentioned, mm-hmm. I think he has Oh my god. I hope he never saw or heard anything. The bath didn't you have a room? Look, just mind your business. Don't be jealous right now, okay? Not jealous. But no, he had things at his place of business, the bike shop. We also had relations there one time.

SPEAKER_01 2:55

And so crazy teenagers.

SPEAKER_00 2:58

Yeah. So I'm like, oh my god, like, did my dad have like videos or sound bites? Like, but you know what? Your own fault.

SPEAKER_02 3:07

Oh.

SPEAKER_00 3:08

Your own fault. So anyway, he would record these things and then he would like come at my mom, like, what are these voices that I hear? Who's that? And she's like, literally like a car driving by. Like, he was so fucking crazy and paranoid that it was like he was constantly convinced she was cheating on him, that she was doing all these things, and other people were involved, and she's like, Literally, you're not there's nothing on there. And so at this point, there was a time when he had a shotgun, I think it was, in the corner of the room. Oh, geez. And I guess he told my mom, like, you see that over there? And basically was like, You're gonna tell me what's going on.

SPEAKER_01 3:52

I still don't understand like how you all weren't murdered in that house. No idea. I have no idea. Like, there should be a documentary on Netflix right now on how your dad went on this murder spree.

SPEAKER_00 4:04

I don't know. I mean, he is a good guy, he didn't murder us. Hot dog.

SPEAKER_01 4:09

He doesn't seem like that kind of guy. Yeah. I am just like shocked.

SPEAKER_00 4:14

Yeah. So I don't know around that same time.

SPEAKER_01 4:17

I'm grateful that it didn't happen that way.

SPEAKER_00 4:20

Yeah. Side note. Yeah. So around that same time, I don't know if it was the same night or if it was just around that same time. I woke up in the middle of the night to my mom, I don't know him yelling, or my mom like screamed or something. And I hear them going outside. He's like shoving her down the stairs. I think she fell, and he takes her out to his shop. Well, I'm scared because I don't know what's going on. I'm wondering if the gun thing had already happened. So I was already like freaked out about that.

SPEAKER_01 4:52

Again, I've I think I've seen this movie.

SPEAKER_00 4:54

So the one and only time I call 911, I'm like, my dad is abusing my mom. Like, you guys need to come out here. We hang up. That was on my cell phone. We hang up, they call back on the house phone. Oh my god. So, of course, my parents answer, and I guess they didn't know like the address or something. I don't know how they knew how to call back. I don't know how they knew the phone number.

SPEAKER_01 5:21

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 5:21

I don't the phone book.

unknown 5:22

I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 5:24

They're like flipping through the white pages.

SPEAKER_00 5:26

And like our address should have been in the phone book, too, if they were using phone books. So I don't know. It was the stupidest fucking thing. Wow. So that is definitely how people get killed. Right. So in comes my dad into my room, and he's like, you call the fucking police, blah blah blah. And I was like, I was so fucking scared. My dad do you see your behavior right now? Right. So my mom somehow got him to like calm down. The police show up, and of course, abusive situation. She's it's fine, blah, blah, blah, like whatever. So nothing happened. And of course, then I'm like scared to call 911 ever again. Right. So my mom started talking to the DEA, which is the drug enforcement agency, and basically started working undercover to get my dad caught and arrested. So my senior year of high school, towards the end of high school, I think, I came out. I was getting ready to go to school in the morning. I came out, and an officer was like, So I need you to do me a favor. I need you to go knock on the door. My dad was hiding in the shop with the door locked. My mom is already gone because she drives the bus, school bus at this point in the mornings. So they want me to knock on the door. On the shop door? Yes, and try to get my dad to come out. So I knock, I'm like, dad, dad, whatever. Of course, he ignores it. He doesn't answer. And they're like, you know what? Just go on, go to school. So I leave, and there are black SUVs lined down the side, like several down the side of the road.

SPEAKER_01 7:01

Seriously, I can't wait for season two.

SPEAKER_00 7:03

I mean, yeah. So I leave, and of course I'm like, what the fuck is going on? Like I knew what was going on, but I'm like, what's gonna happen?

SPEAKER_01 7:11

How do you go to school? Like I would have turned around and like hid and watched.

SPEAKER_00 7:15

If anything, I was like, okay, I can't deal with this shit. I've got like b a biology test or something for that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 7:22

I gotta go.

SPEAKER_00 7:23

Yeah, so I go on to school. I don't remember what all happened from there. Like a lot of it's just a blur. Like, I know they arrested my mom and questioned her too. Because at the time he didn't, you know, they didn't want him to know that it was her. He did eventually find out that she had like worked with the DA.

SPEAKER_01 7:42

But while helping him make meth? Was he making it?

SPEAKER_00 7:46

Yeah, he was making meth.

SPEAKER_01 7:47

And selling it.

SPEAKER_00 7:48

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 7:49

Yeah. So she had to help that. Did he make her help with that?

SPEAKER_00 7:53

Probably. I don't know how much she really had to do with it. But like looking back, like that motherfucker was making drugs in the garage. My bedroom was closest to his shop. You I mean so if anything blew up, I was hit number one.

SPEAKER_01 8:08

It's always shocking that like I wouldn't be able to just like start making meth. I don't know what goes into it. I and I mean back then, like you didn't have the internet to give you instructions. You didn't have shows like Breaking Bad telling you chemically how to make meth the right way. So it's like you know how dangerous they are and how like it gets in your clothes. Like I'm sure he had it embedded in his clothes.

SPEAKER_00 8:36

And I remember like I remember a certain smell. Like I don't remember a lot, but I remember a certain smell. Didn't you just look up that it smells like tappy or ammonia? I don't remember. We were talking about something recently, and I was like, ooh, that makes me think of my dad making meth. I don't remember what it was.

SPEAKER_01 8:53

Yeah, and you're like, that's why, because it was like a meth has ammonia in it.

SPEAKER_00 8:57

Yeah, it was like a memory recall. But yeah, I remember the smell, and then I remember one time he had a jar of something in our deep freezer in the house, and it had something to do with it. But that was like starter. Like sourdough starter. Maybe, yeah. But that was like all that I remember like actually seeing or being a part of. But yeah, so anyway, he gets arrested. They arrest my mom too. But I think like I don't even remember, did I come home from school that day? Did I have to work? Where did my brothers go? I honestly have no idea.

SPEAKER_01 9:27

How long was he in was he in jail or prison? Because they're different.

SPEAKER_00 9:32

So I don't think he stayed in jail. I think maybe he made bail. He got out for a while. My mom, I think he came back home. And at this point, he didn't know that my mom had turned him in. And then so the day I left for college, my mom moved out and moved in with my grandparents.

SPEAKER_01 9:52

And with your brothers?

SPEAKER_00 9:53

Yes. So it was like we all left at once. I don't know if he might have been in jail by then. I don't I honestly I don't remember. But he only went to jail for like four months for manufacturing and distributing. So anyway, for manufacturing and distributing methamphetamine. Yeah, four months. I feel like people get more for having weed. Yeah, I'm sure there are. But he's also white.

SPEAKER_01 10:20

I'm sure that makes a difference. I mean, in his lifespan though, hasn't he been in and out or is that like his big stint?

SPEAKER_00 10:29

He was never in jail that I remember before that point.

SPEAKER_01 10:32

But after.

SPEAKER_00 10:33

After. Afterward, he would get in trouble for driving without a license. He had some restraining orders against him from various women. Shocking. I don't remember what all. Like he definitely has a record now. Yeah, but was that his longest only four months? Yeah. Yep.

SPEAKER_01 10:52

That's crazy.

SPEAKER_00 10:53

Yeah. And I don't even like I said, I don't even remember how everything went down, when everything happened, like that happening, me graduating. Like he was at my graduation. So I don't know. Unless it happen I don't know. I don't know. Honestly, I think my brain just put a lot of it.

SPEAKER_01 11:12

Like I mean, again, it all makes sense why you did not introduce me when he walked into your house. Because it's like he was, I mean, on and off drugs for the rest of his life.

SPEAKER_00 11:26

Yeah. I mean, he's still alive. He's still alive. He's not on drugs now. Because he can't be.

SPEAKER_01 11:32

He's hospital bound.

unknown 11:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:34

But no, so at some point, like he's out. There were some other things that happened, like my first wedding. He wanted to be involved, but he was pissed that I wouldn't let him bring his girlfriend, even though I had told my mom that she couldn't bring her boyfriend, and he got mad and like keyed my mom's car the night before my wedding. And your poor mom's still getting it. Yeah. Well, because nothing is ever his fault. Right. It's always someone else's fault. It's never his fault. While I was married, we were actually scared. So he comes in the house one night. He might have had a shotgun with him, and he was like, I was in the woods chasing these N-words. Like he was convinced there were people in the woods running around, and he was gonna like shoot them.

SPEAKER_01 12:19

I remember Did you think that they were black because it was nighttime?

SPEAKER_00 12:23

I don't I don't know if he actually thought they were black or if he was just using the N-word to describe the people he didn't like. I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 12:29

Like, were there many black people in a lot?

SPEAKER_00 12:34

But you know, there were just things like that. Like my ex and I were so worried that something might happen to us that we bought recorders and started keeping them in our house so that if something did happen, at least there would be record of what happened. I called and talked to the police one time while I was at school. Like I remember sitting just like at the front of the building in between classes and just like crying and trying to talk to these police, but they were like it basically explaining to me what would happen and it was gonna be nothing. And I was like, you guys are a waste of my time then. And I basically just hung up and was like, guess this is my situation to deal with because I'm too scared for my life that I can't like you guys aren't gonna do enough. And I'm pretty sure he was abusive towards my grandfather who he started living with, like, shot a hole in the mirror in the bedroom where he was staying. Thank God it didn't go through the wall and hit my grandpa, but I'm pretty sure he was abusive to my sweet, loving old grandpa for whatever freaking reason. Who else did he have to abuse? Nobody, because he pushed everybody away. And now he's literally in a hospital, like withering away, dying alone, dying alone. Right now, his don't need drugs, kids. Don't do drugs. His main person right now is his sister, who he also has not been nice to.

SPEAKER_01 13:56

Well, and ironically, before he started getting hospitalized every other day, Justin, who he took a lot of his anger out on, was the nicest and most present one in his life. He's the only Well, I wouldn't say nicest, because I think he was a No, I think he's an asshole talk. Pretty big asshole.

SPEAKER_00 14:15

But he's the only child that still talks to him.

SPEAKER_01 14:17

Yeah, I don't blame Jeremy. Jeremy put up that put up that boundary a long time ago, and I have to commend him for doing that. Because a lot of times people would be like, Oh, like how your ex was when his dad died, and he was like, You should really call your dad.

SPEAKER_00 14:32

Yeah, and I was like, Do you not like that pissed me off the most because I'm like, Do you not remember we literally had recording devices in our house and Casey murdered us? And now you think I should just make amends with him because your dad died.

SPEAKER_02 14:43

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 14:44

If you want to trade dads, I'm more than happy to.

SPEAKER_01 14:46

Did he ever see that side of him being married to you and you guys living so close to him?

SPEAKER_00 14:54

The abusiveness. I mean, he's definitely heard him yell. Yeah. I don't know if he saw the abusiveness because it ever directed at your ex at all?

SPEAKER_01 15:04

I mean, he's a he's a a man.

SPEAKER_00 15:06

Yeah, I don't think he wasn't he didn't only do that with men, it was more women who who he could overpower and control. But no, like even after I would have already known you because I had my apartment in Springfield when I was teaching, my dad called me. So mind you, my dad still lives out in the country in Oakland, Missouri. I'm living in Springfield, Missouri. So we're like at least 30 minutes away, 45 minutes, in my apartment by myself. And he calls me and he's like, What are you and Justin talking about? I was like, What are you talking about? Justin being my brother. And he's like, I heard you guys. What apartment? My studio apartment that I had by myself. Oh. Yeah. So you and I were broken up at the time, I think. Oh, we had already you were already divorced. Yeah, I was divorced. Yep. Then broken up. So this was like years later.

SPEAKER_01 15:59

Well oh. Yeah. Was this when Justin was temporarily crashing on your couch? Or is it the same thing? No, he didn't even live with me. He was in Springfield, but he didn't live with me. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 16:09

So my dad was convinced he could hear me and Justin talking about him. Even though we weren't in the same town, Justin and I were not together. That's how paranoid he was. Wow. So fast forward, we had about I don't know, four or five times over the years from about the time Gray and Lib were born until now, where we get the call that, oh, we don't think he's gonna make it. You should come see him. But he must be like a cat and has like nine fucking lives.

SPEAKER_01 16:42

More like 19. I don't understand.

SPEAKER_00 16:44

Because he is still alive to this day. He's had strokes, he's had at this point.

SPEAKER_01 16:50

He's a pacemaker.

SPEAKER_00 16:50

Yeah, he's on a it's not even a pacemaker, what's it called? An L VAD?

SPEAKER_01 16:55

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:56

Where he's like operated by batteries or has to be plugged into the wall because he has such a little percentage of his heart functioning at this point. And he did when he before he got the L VAD, he had to get off the drugs or they wouldn't do it. So he's been off the drugs for a while now. But I don't know, he just ruined his whole life.

SPEAKER_01 17:16

Yeah, and in a way, he's I mean, your mom's like clean of him because Oh yeah, she has nothing to say. I mean, I think the one and only time they saw each other was at your grandpa's funeral.

SPEAKER_00 17:29

Well, they both were at our wedding.

SPEAKER_01 17:32

And they both were oh that's right.

SPEAKER_00 17:34

They both walked me down the aisle. That's right.

SPEAKER_01 17:35

Which is awkward, but I'm still shocked he came.

SPEAKER_00 17:38

He missed the first one.

SPEAKER_01 17:40

But I'm still shocked he came to artist.

SPEAKER_00 17:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:43

But like I said, up until that one point in in our house. Yeah. He was he was never not nice to me. You know what I mean? Like he never showed like any of that small town hillbilly.

SPEAKER_00 17:57

He shows all of his hillbilly.

SPEAKER_01 17:59

No, I mean like redneck conservative hatred towards a thing, I don't know. Gay people, like he's pr he's I think pretty doesn't he have a gay friend? I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 18:10

I mean, he he makes racist comments, he makes homophobic comments, but he was accepting of like our relationship and so yeah, it's complicated when you have a parent like that. Like, I can say like there are good things about him. He was supportive of our relationship. He I'm pretty sure he hates Trump, which is surprising because he is such a hillabilly. An anomaly. Yeah. And you know, we did have really fun times. I remember my mom would leave or try to leave. Like one time she did leave for a week or two. And when he convinced her to come back, it was a lot of fun. We went to worlds of fun. We did all these fun things that we never got to do as a family because we didn't do a lot of things as a family. He was off doing his own thing a lot, and they would hold hands. It was so disgusting. And he is a funny guy. Like, I remember like good times with him, and he is charming to other people. And so when it came time to like him being around our kids, it's like, okay, like I'll let him be around our kids, but we're gonna monitor things like racist things that come out of his mouth, being the oldest child, being a woman who was raised to foster relationships as I learned therapy, and I am the type of person that's empathetic to you know, everyone has a backstory. I don't know why he's like that. He was adopted. I've learned from his sister that there was a lot of family that didn't accept them as being part of the family because they were adopted, made comments about it. You know, I know my granny could not always be a great person. I don't know if like something happened with raising him that made him that way, or all those comments of feeling abandoned by his birth mother. You know, it's like I have a little bit of empathy for like that story. So it's something that I really struggle with when it comes to which is why I'm still in therapy is like, where do I set those boundaries?

SPEAKER_01 20:06

Yeah, I think you have to set a boundary for yourself. Where's the line drawn for is this gonna hurt me? Yeah. Worrying about because I know you were worried about like not, you know, going and seeing him in the hospital and yeah, things like that.

SPEAKER_00 20:23

But it's like So backing up, I haven't seen him in Violet was a baby. So I have he hasn't met Violet, right? No, he's never met Violet, so I haven't seen him in three years probably.

SPEAKER_02 20:35

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 20:36

So yeah, now that he's up here in the hospital, I really struggled with it.

SPEAKER_01 20:41

At a hospital that is on the campus that I work at.

unknown 20:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:44

But I really struggle with like, do I want to see him? Because I know he's not gonna be around much longer.

SPEAKER_01 20:51

I mean, my only advice is don't do it for him.

SPEAKER_00 20:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:54

Do it for you. If he dies tomorrow, will you regret any sort of closure? Or do you have closure and it's sorry, not sorry, but I'm not going to feel guilty about letting myself be free of you.

SPEAKER_00 21:12

I think at this point I gave him more of myself than I had to, than he deserved.

SPEAKER_01 21:20

I don't even think you gave it, he took it.

SPEAKER_00 21:22

Yeah. But I mean like letting him see the kids, even after we decided he wasn't allowed in our house again to stay in our house, we still like went out to dinner and had those once or twice a year visits, short visits. But he's never once taken responsibility for any of it. He's never said sorry. And at this point, I don't know if his brain is too far gone to even even if I wanted to confront him about it before he died, like before you die, listen to what I have to say. I don't know if he would understand or comprehend any of it. So at This point, I already know that, like, if there's something I want to say to him, I'm gonna be doing it for me. Whether it's in the form of a letter, I thought about recording it. Just an open letter to my dad, and maybe I'll play his funeral. But yeah, at this point, I don't know. I don't know him anything. So that's where we are today.

SPEAKER_01 22:21

Be cool, stay in school. Don't do drugs. I saw a dare car yesterday.

SPEAKER_00 22:25

This has nothing to do with well, I'm not sure. We're talking about drugs, and I was like, is dare even a thing? Yeah. Well, and that's why I with our older two kids, I try to they know a little bit. They don't know everything, but they know bits and pieces of my dad. And I want them to know because I want them to see like he let drugs control his life and he lost his entire family. And he's on his deathbed with like one person, maybe a few other people coming to visit him. So choose wisely.

SPEAKER_01 22:58

Alright, well, thanks for sharing. We unloaded, got my first cry. Thanks for crying on our podcast. Thanks for crying. It really brings out the truth.

SPEAKER_00 23:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:08

And the pain.

SPEAKER_00 23:09

Honestly, I'm surprised that's the only time I cried. You're a big baby. Wow. You do have feelings. Back to the part that made me cry. Double shout out to my mom because she was my steady parent my entire life, but she's also like she got herself out of the situations.

SPEAKER_02 23:25

Good job.

SPEAKER_00 23:26

Like you were talking about. You were talking about you don't think she gives herself enough credit. And I agree.

SPEAKER_01 23:32

I mean No, I like I said, if perfect, perfect limited series, maybe a movie, maybe with a sequel. I mean, that's like some heavy shit. Yeah. And not everyone would be strong enough to like get past it and not let it really fuck up their whole world fact that she did something so scary, like turning him in and working kind of undercover when he was like so paranoid and recording and the fact that like she was able to get out. I mean, I'm sure she feared for her life and her kids' life at more than a few years.

SPEAKER_00 24:09

I I will tell you, until probably the last four or five years, I still worried he would show up one day and murder me. Or especially after he knew mom lived here. That he'd just come in and murder everybody. Here? Yeah. In St. Louis. I've had nightmares where I wake up and I didn't know that. Yeah. I got you, boo.

SPEAKER_02 24:32

No.

SPEAKER_00 24:34

Easy dead. But I mean now it's like he's in the hospital, so it's finally like, okay, I can breathe.

SPEAKER_01 24:43

I feel like that might be somewhat how you feel when he finally dies. Which is not a terrible thing to say. I think it's just honest.

SPEAKER_00 24:53

I think it's just the weight that I've been for years and the fear and knowing, like, okay, finally, like, there's no way in hell he can do anything now. So, anyway, thank you for listening to our podcast. Go in, follow the show so you don't miss anything. Leave us a review and find us on Instagram at the stories we leave you. And let us know what stories you want to hear if you have any questions. We'd love to hear from comments, show, episode ideas. Yep.

SPEAKER_01 25:24

Give it to us.

SPEAKER_00 25:25

Until next time. Okay. Bye.