"Suck My F*ing Ahole" | Couples Communication, Conflict Styles & Learning to Fight Fair

In this episode, we dive into one of the biggest reasons relationships either survive or completely fall apart: communication. After nearly 20 years together, we’re talking honestly about how our completely opposite personalities, childhood experiences, and conflict styles have shaped our marriage—for better and for worse. From explosive arguments and shutting down emotionally, to learning how to actually communicate without destroying each other in the process, this episode is a very real look at what long-term relationships actually take behind the scenes.

We get into the ways childhood trauma and family dynamics still show up in adulthood, especially in the way we handle conflict, process emotions, and respond during arguments. We talk about attachment styles, emotional reactions, therapy, people-pleasing, conflict avoidance, and how growing up in very different households created very different communication habits. There’s also plenty of chaos and humor along the way—including “suck my fucking asshole,” raining coupon inserts during a fight, and the realization that maybe we weren’t exactly relationship experts in our twenties.

This episode is part relationship therapy, part comedy, and part “how the hell are we still together?” conversation. Whether you’re in a long-term marriage, navigating communication struggles with your partner, or just trying to unlearn unhealthy patterns from childhood, this one will probably feel painfully relatable. We’re not experts—but we have survived almost two decades together, and honestly, that feels worth talking about.

New episodes drop every Wednesday. Follow the show so you don’t miss what’s next, and find us on Instagram to be part of the conversation. We’d love to hear your questions!

Julie is a podcast manager who helps people tell the stories they’ve been too scared to share. If you’ve been thinking about starting a podcast… this is your sign. Home - Julie Beck LLC

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:05

I'm Ryan. I'm Julie. And this is the stories we leave you. Us. Alright, now that we've covered all of our childhood drama, trauma.

SPEAKER_02 0:18

Drama trauma.

SPEAKER_00 0:19

Trauma drama.

SPEAKER_02 0:20

Baby mama. Mm-hmm. Sure. Let's talk about how we are together. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 0:29

What are we like together?

SPEAKER_02 0:31

I don't know. You know.

SPEAKER_01 0:34

How long have we been together?

SPEAKER_00 0:36

I don't know. A long time. Fourteen years?

SPEAKER_01 0:39

Almost 20. That we 2007 is when we first met each other? No.

SPEAKER_00 0:44

Oh no, when we got together.

SPEAKER_01 0:45

When we started bumping uglies.

SPEAKER_00 0:48

Stop! Your mom listens to this. Don't say that. Anyway. Uh yeah, 2007, so we're going on 19 years together.

unknown 1:00

Forever.

SPEAKER_00 1:01

Anyways, okay, us.

SPEAKER_01 1:03

I think that you and I are opposites in a lot of ways.

SPEAKER_00 1:08

I was gonna say we're not at all the same person.

SPEAKER_01 1:11

No. Like I think we came together because of a lot of the things that we have in common and the way that we like to travel.

SPEAKER_00 1:20

Yeah, but we didn't really know that about each other. Like, I'm trying to think back when we first met. I remember like what drew us to each other. Like, obviously working together. Mind you.

SPEAKER_01 1:35

And you're sexy mud.

SPEAKER_00 1:36

You went after me. I did not go after you. We didn't know that much, especially the first year that we met. I don't remember really knowing a whole lot about you. It was the second year that we got really close. And you got really clingy.

SPEAKER_02 1:52

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 1:53

Ironically, because you're like not a clingy person at all. Not a needy person, but you needed something. And you were like, eh, let me text you. I'm sitting right next to you. Anyways, cut that out. Um flirting. I don't really I just remember having fun.

SPEAKER_01 2:10

Yeah, I think we just got along.

SPEAKER_00 2:12

We had the I think humor for me plays a big part of if you can have the pleasure of hanging out with me. Yeah. Cause if we don't share the same humor and sarcasm, it's not gonna lead to anything important enough to keep going. Cause I need to be able to joke around, be sarcastic to that like fun, kind of insulting way. Yeah. And I think we just like I think our group of people that we worked with, we all got along really well. Cause I think that was with Jasmine and Melanie. Lana. Lana was there. And I think it just we all kind of meshed really well. Yeah, that's when we started sharing more with each other. I think.

SPEAKER_01 3:02

Yeah, I don't know. Because I like to read. I don't did not read.

SPEAKER_00 3:06

So I mean I'm I'm shocked the whole Harry Potter fiasco didn't end us before we started because you took that way too seriously.

SPEAKER_01 3:14

Look, I do not like to have spoilers.

SPEAKER_00 3:17

I didn't spoil anything. You kind of Okay, so I I grabbed You kinda did, you just didn't know. I took your book, I pretended to read it, I went to the very end and said, Oh, that sucks. Harry dies, and you got all mmm. Which technically he kinda does.

SPEAKER_01 3:33

You didn't know it, but still.

SPEAKER_03 3:35

But yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:35

So yeah, I would say the beginning of our relationship, obviously, any normal quote unquote relationship is filled with a lot of fun, flirty, lusty, nothing could be better, nothing could go wrong, we're never gonna get into a fight situation. Like once we took it to that level. And then yeah, I I mean I was super insecure. So if we had any type of argument or anything like that, I was like, oh God, it's over.

SPEAKER_01 4:05

No, I agree. I think we started out just having a lot of fun, and I think we just naturally whether it was gonna end up being a romantic relationship or not, I think we just were attracted to each other even as friends, because we like to have fun. We well, I have the same we kind of have the same sense of humor.

SPEAKER_00 4:27

Yeah, which I think was surprising for me to find out just because of my initial first impression of you. Yeah. And then I was like, oh, well, she's pretty cool. Like, she's funny, we get each other's humor, which again, like, is friend or not, if you get each other's sense of humor and personality like off the bat, it's like okay, I can put effort into this. But since you were the only person that I've ever seriously dated and been in a relationship with, I put all of my effort into my friendships, anyways. That's how my personality works. And we've talked about this in the past though, because I didn't date, all my energy would go into my friends, and it was almost like non-sexual emotional friendships to a level where it was almost like it would jump around, kind of.

SPEAKER_01 5:23

So you are an Enneagram 2. So Enneagram twos are the people who they like to feel needed by other people, and that's very much your personality.

SPEAKER_00 5:34

Like 1,000%.

SPEAKER_01 5:35

Yeah, like you very much are like, I'm gonna take care of you. You're the person that if someone's dog dies, you're like, oh, let's buy them a thing. And I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? Like, why would you buy them a thing for their dog? And yeah, like my personality is. Like, I never did that. I was like, Oh yeah, I did. You've done that, and you thought about doing it another time, and I was like, no, you're not gonna do it this time. The first time it made more sense. Second time it happened, that's it. But that's beside the point. But yeah, you're very much like a in the relationship taking care of people. I am an Enneagram 9, which I feel like is kind of unfair. I just want to throw that out there. I am very much an Enneagram 9 because I don't like conflict. I like to keep the peace. I'm very good at seeing like both sides of the story, which you have to sit on things for a while and like analyze it a little bit. Yeah. I'm very much like, oh, I totally get like where you're coming from. I can kind of see where they're coming from because of this, which I think sometimes so annoying sometimes.

SPEAKER_00 6:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:41

Well, I think because I think as an Enneagram 9 and seeing both sides of things, sometimes it makes it to where I am not always very validating. Or on my side. Yes, of someone's feelings. Like even like listening back to the episodes where you were talking about like coming out and being trans and that, like there were a couple of things that I was like, oh, that wasn't like a very supportive thing that I said. I almost like dismissed, I didn't validate what you were saying.

SPEAKER_00 7:12

Well, sometimes I think that's when you stay quiet. Sometimes, yeah. But you know, you have those times where it's like, uh, this person is so wrong, it's so annoying, blah, blah, blah. And then you have you're doing your processing thing, and you're like, well, maybe it was uh it doesn't happen often, but sometimes it's like, can you just like wholeheartedly be like, yeah, what a dick? You're totally right, justified and whatever. And it's like later, it's like, okay, well, maybe they were going through something too, or whatever, but sometimes it's like off the bat.

SPEAKER_01 7:48

Yeah. You don't have to well, and I think simultaneously Switzerland. Well, I think simultaneously, one, I am an Anneagram nine because of how I grew up, because I was always in conflict my entire childhood. So I feel like I avoid conflict because of that. I don't like when people fight, I don't like when people argue, especially not yelling, like that can be triggering for me. But on the flip side of that, what was I gonna say? I lost my train of thought. Fucking tits. Fucking tits. I don't know. I'll think of it later at a random time.

SPEAKER_00 8:35

When we argued early in our relationship, that was very interesting and difficult to navigate because with our childhoods, you don't like conflict, so you shut down so you need process time.

SPEAKER_01 8:51

Okay, okay. Let me defend myself for a second. So, yes, I like to process my feelings before I say things, but also because yes, the way I grew up, everything was very reactive and explosive. So my brother does this too, where we Jeremy shuts down. Yes, where we're like, okay, I don't want to blow up and say something I regret. I don't want to do something I regret. I'm gonna take time to sit with this, and when I'm calm, we can talk about it. Except that we don't say words. So it seems like we're shutting down and we're not talking. And I don't get it. Yes. Whereas you came from a family where there was yelling, you guys fought it out. You want to fight right now, you want to zero filter. Yes, you want to finish it right now. You are a button pusher because you want to fight, you want to fight it out. Yeah. And those two things do not go very well together.

SPEAKER_00 9:53

Had some interesting moments in time when those two personality traits collide. We have discussed this in the past where you are comfortable going to bed mad and talking about it the next day.

SPEAKER_01 10:07

Yeah, because I know like I'll be calm, I'll be clear-headed by then.

SPEAKER_00 10:11

I can't do that.

SPEAKER_01 10:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:12

I'm uh very much like don't go to bed angry because I won't sleep well. Like, I love my sleep too, though. So I know, and you can just like what's funny is that you can't turn your brain off for everything else, but when we would get into fights and you would just go to sleep, I'd be so pissed. And I'm like, how the fuck did you just turn that switch off and go to sleep?

SPEAKER_01 10:34

I can still do it.

SPEAKER_00 10:34

I'm over here worried, huffing and puffing. It annoys me just talking about it because I remember I'm like, she doesn't care. And that's that's the by you not saying words, because I remember Jeremy and I got into it once and he completely shut down. And I was like pushing and pushing some like just fucking use your words and communicate with me so we can finish this. I don't want it to linger around because I don't it stresses me out, like the silence.

SPEAKER_01 11:03

But when you grow up in a family where you don't have the opportunity to ever process your feelings, you're not allowed to have feelings. You know, I grew up in a household where it was like, don't cry, I'll give you a reason to cry. Why are you crying? And so we weren't really allowed to have feelings. Feelings were bad, they were scary, and obviously, like the feelings we were being shown, the anger was scary. So, yeah, it's like we didn't want to go to those places, and our brains couldn't even like process what we were feeling or and that's even now I'm a lot better at it than I used to be. But yeah, I would like have to take that time to be like, okay, why am I so mad? Like, why does this bother me?

SPEAKER_00 11:48

Yeah, and what's crazy is that even though I'm reactive, I would say a hundred percent of the time when I am forced to take a break, or you force me to take a break by locking yourself in a room or leaving. I think you left once to go run an errand, something. But when I have about 20 minutes to cool down, I'm over it. And over it meaning I'm ready to apologize, admit any faults that I had, I I'm like ready to calmly squash it and be like, yeah, okay, let's put in the past.

SPEAKER_01 12:26

What can I do to fix it? It's funny because I feel like even when it comes to things like a recent argument that we've had is about like money, and it's something comes up like Liv and I are going on this trip for her school. And when the idea of it first came up, I was like, in my mind, I'm like, hey, let's sit down, let's talk about this, let's figure out how we can make this happen. This is great. Your immediate response was like, we're not spending that money, we don't have that kind of money, like very reactive.

SPEAKER_00 12:58

I don't talk like that. We're not gonna be able to do that. I believe it was just no, I don't want to spend that money.

SPEAKER_01 13:06

Yeah, I'm pretty sure you did say no. And so then I'm like mad at you, but after like 30 minutes, you're like, okay, I was wrong. You can go, and then you go to the complete rather extreme. Yes. I'm like, whoa, all I need is to meet in the middle.

SPEAKER_00 13:24

Do you want a limo to take you?

SPEAKER_01 13:25

Like, what are you?

SPEAKER_00 13:27

I mean, in my brain, yes, I'm reactive. I'm shoot now, ask questions later, kind of thing. And of course, it's like, ugh, I don't want to spend that money.

SPEAKER_01 13:40

But again, I don't know if that'll ever change because I mean, with the money, that could be a whole episode by itself about our money traumas.

SPEAKER_00 13:49

But my dad is a huge processor even now on the tiniest little things. I'm like, dad, just order it.

SPEAKER_01 14:00

He likes to research, he likes to.

SPEAKER_00 14:02

Yeah, but he does like with the bikes. Like it was, oh, this one has one more positive review than this one. It's like just fucking pick one. Which I understand because I'm more like him. But if I have been, if I go down that hole too deep, like with planning our vacation, it was down to like dollars and cents. It's like just just pick one. Like, fuck it, just make a decision. Yeah. So when I have the time to process, it basically gives me that time to be like, Ryan, you're being dumb. You're leading with your emotions and not your brain. You a lot of times you'll talk me down too, but it always starts out the same way.

SPEAKER_02 14:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:47

Do we want to talk about our first? I don't know if it's our first, but our most memorable fight in the apartment. In history. Okay, I have no idea what the fight was about.

SPEAKER_00 14:58

We were arguing. Let's set the scene. We're in our little apartment, our little two-bedroom, one-bath apartment. We're sitting in the living room, you're in the chair, I'm on the couch, you're reading, you're flipping through a magazine. I don't know why we had it.

SPEAKER_01 15:12

It wasn't a magazine, it was a newspaper. I was looking at the coupons. So basically, you were like, I don't want to talk about this right now. I think I just was like not really saying anything. Because again, I was probably processing. Oh, yeah, when you don't use words, yeah. You wanted me, yeah. You wanted me to have words to say. I didn't really have anything to say yet. I was trying to figure out how I felt about it. And you were just pushing and pushing. You wouldn't let it go. And I finally blew up and was like, fine, you want me to say something? And I like threw the coupon section in the air. It rained down. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 15:50

Our dog at the time, Henry, was sitting right next to me. I was so pissed because you scared him so bad. You threw the mag the paper up in the air, all the blow-ins just started snowing down everywhere. The dog was like, What the fuck? I was like, How dare you scare our puppy? And earlier in the day, you had wanted me to fold the laundry or something in our bedroom. So after you did that, you stormed away.

SPEAKER_01 16:16

Well, because at that point, I was pissed. And I was like, I'm done with this. I went in the bedroom. I'm like, I will get my alone time.

SPEAKER_03 16:24

What do I do?

SPEAKER_01 16:26

Yeah, I was like, no, we're we're hashing this out now. We got a motion here, we're going. I don't even remember. So I'm in there folding laundry, and I just remember you were like outside the door and you just kept saying, like at one point I laughed because you were just like pushing buttons and saying like dumb stuff. And I was just like, This is the dumbest fight.

SPEAKER_00 16:45

Yeah, that's how that is exactly how my mom and I used to fight. And I used to be on your end of things. Yeah. And my I was acting like my mom. Like it was almost like, yes, I want to egg you on so that I can get some reaction. Yeah. And we can just hash it out. And I just remember, like, after that, checking on the dog, I followed you. Clearly, the boundaries were not there with me. Something I had to learn when I tried to open the door and it was locked. I didn't know what to do with myself. I wish it was one of those split screen moments where you're in there doing whatever, and I'm out there and I'm just like, I don't even know. Like, I didn't know where to go.

SPEAKER_01 17:29

I literally pacing. I was just angrily folding laundry.

SPEAKER_00 17:32

Yeah. Well, what's annoying is that I was annoyed because I knew you were doing that in there. Cause I think I even said, you better not be folding the laundry you told me to fold. And that's I think when I heard you laugh. And you were like, just like fuck off. And I was like, I don't even know what I'd like when you force me into a timeout is like so frustrating. But it's so needed.

SPEAKER_01 17:57

Yeah, because I think eventually you gave up and you went and walked the dog. I did or something.

SPEAKER_00 18:01

Yeah, probably. And when you came back, you were fine. And like But that early on in our relationship, because we had had some blips and breakups and whatnot. And because I had never been in a serious relationship or dated anyone, I didn't know how that was supposed to go. Where you're mad, kind of like from friends with Chandler and Monica. And he's like, Okay, so uh I guess this is over. And she was like, Why? It's like, because we had a fight. She's like, Oh my god. This is what it means to be an adult relationship. I was so insecure with myself that I thought if we were fighting, we were gonna be done. But there was also some relationship trauma before that to justify.

SPEAKER_01 18:48

But I mean, thinking about it, I like the way that we fight because we don't really fight much anymore. No, I mean, really, we don't. Like, we've had a few of those like bigger blow-up moments, but usually it doesn't get to that point. And especially now we've learned to communicate a lot better. We've like even things out. I've learned how to communicate and process my emotions better. Thank you, therapy. I mean, honestly, I learned a lot before therapy, but therapy has definitely helped. You know, because she reminds me people can't hear what you're thinking in your head. Not mind readers, Julie. Whatever you should be. No, maybe you shouldn't be. Sometimes they say mean things about you.

SPEAKER_00 19:28

Oh, that's fair.

SPEAKER_01 19:30

What was that reaction? What do you think's going on in here? I didn't know.

SPEAKER_00 19:35

Oh. But saying that, I'm like, okay, I I do that. Yeah. Sometimes I'll say it out loud.

SPEAKER_03 19:40

Yeah. I cuss you.

SPEAKER_00 19:42

I think I've only done that like maybe three times totally.

SPEAKER_01 19:45

I mean, there's times such a beautiful Sometimes I'll wait for you to leave and I'll cuss you. Or I'll say it. Like the other day I said something to you and you were like, what? And I was like, nothing. Oh, yeah, I do remember that. Yeah, it was like last week. I don't remember what I said. But see, now I don't care. Yeah. But I would have dwelled on it. I think I used to expect, like, if I got pissed and said something, I was expecting you to be pissed. Like that time we were fighting, and we I don't know. We were walking into our apartment. I stopped to get the mail, and I was like, suck my fucking asshole. No, we were leaving. I we were going into the apartment. We were leaving. Oh my gosh, rewind the tape, people.

SPEAKER_00 20:26

No, roll the tape. We absolutely were leaving.

SPEAKER_01 20:30

We were going inside because you were walking up the stairs. You were walking down the walking up the stairs. I will why would we get the mail on the way out? We were going up to get the mail.

SPEAKER_00 20:39

We were going somewhere. And you were walking up again. I remember because I was locking the door. Listen, and you're unlocking the door, but you were walking down the stairs and you were like, you know what? Just suck my fucking asshole. And I stopped at the top because I giggled. You later told me in the car because it was just like the fight was done. And we got into the car. We didn't say anything. It was silent. And I was like, Did you tell me to suck my fucking asshole just now? And you laughed, and like the fight was done. I don't even know. Yeah. And like that's why I we were absolutely leaving the apartment.

SPEAKER_01 21:20

We were going out of the apartment. But I think that's why I like how we fight because I can say things like that, and then it's just like we both laugh, and it's like we're done. We diffuse the situation.

SPEAKER_00 21:30

I I mean I don't I don't think it's been like that ever.

SPEAKER_01 21:34

No. Since I used to get that was more like I could get pushed pretty far.

SPEAKER_00 21:40

What I regret most is pushing you to the point of tears. Because looking back on it, that's grade A bully mentality.

SPEAKER_01 21:55

Oh, I don't remember you doing that.

SPEAKER_00 21:58

It was always when we We were going to sleep.

SPEAKER_03 22:02

Oh.

SPEAKER_00 22:02

Because it always had one theme tied to it. And I feel like that was what you didn't want to that's what you didn't want to talk about the most at that point in time. But it would, it was like I was I was so angry, and for some reason, like the perspective to me was that your silence meant you didn't care.

SPEAKER_02 22:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:26

But also what we said before, you can go to bed angry. Yeah. And when I'm that fueled, and it has it's not just a simple like you didn't fold the laundry today, or I'll talk to Jeremy about his rent later. It was about something on a whole different level. Yeah. That was about us as a whole. And I'm like, I think it was potential like breakup conversations that you were shutting down on, which were the hardest for me to process.

SPEAKER_01 22:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:58

And also you're like, you always want to talk about this at the worst times.

SPEAKER_01 23:02

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 23:02

Which is at the end.

SPEAKER_01 23:03

Now when I want to sleep.

SPEAKER_00 23:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:05

You don't mess with Julie's sleep.

SPEAKER_00 23:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:07

Are you talking like before we broke up?

SPEAKER_03 23:10

I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 23:12

Okay. Anyway.

SPEAKER_00 23:14

When I made you don't remember any of it.

SPEAKER_01 23:15

You didn't traumatize me, I guess, because I don't remember it.

SPEAKER_00 23:18

That's good. Because yeah, that wasn't.

SPEAKER_01 23:20

I mean, you know, if I'm gonna cry about things, it was usually right before bed anyway. It's like I pent up all that stress from the week, and then you'd be like, Are you okay? And I'd like start crying for no reason. And it's like, well, really, this happened, this happened, this happened, this happened this week. And I've been holding it inside.

SPEAKER_00 23:37

And again, thank you, therapy.

SPEAKER_01 23:38

You probably just triggered all of that too, but probably.

SPEAKER_02 23:42

I don't remember. So anyway, we're not like that now.

SPEAKER_00 23:47

No. Like I know there's couples that are like, oh, we never fight. Holding you guys aren't talking properly to each other.

SPEAKER_01 23:54

Yeah, I don't think not fighting at all. I mean, and not fighting. Some people take fighting to mean like fighting, just arguments, like normal everyday disagreements. I've you you can't always agree on everything.

SPEAKER_00 24:08

No, hell no.

SPEAKER_01 24:09

You have to have some kind of arguments.

SPEAKER_00 24:12

There are definitely times to the pick your battle moments.

SPEAKER_03 24:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:18

Are definitely something you have to master when you're in a healthy relationship because sometimes it's knowing the other person, it's like, is this worth it to push? No. How much do I really care? It's also a a delicate situation where those moments where it's like, okay, I don't really care, you can make the decision.

SPEAKER_02 24:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:43

And it's is this a moment where you need me to make a decision because you don't have the mental capacity for it? Or can I tell you I don't care, do what you want, and that will make you the happiest. So it's really communicating about the communication. Do you want me to have an opinion for real? Or you want me to just stay out of it? Because don't do it as a courtesy.

SPEAKER_01 25:06

No, I think I'm better at letting you know when I want that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:10

Because most of the time I don't care in a in a good way, to where it's like, no, whatever makes you happy makes me happy. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 25:19

I think when we started our relationship, I was coming out of a marriage. I was your first real relationship.

SPEAKER_00 25:27

Only relationship.

SPEAKER_01 25:29

And yeah, I think we were still young.

SPEAKER_02 25:32

I had a lot of learning to do.

SPEAKER_01 25:35

I mean, I think we both did. Because honestly, the way I fought with my ex was not healthy either. Because in that relationship I would use crying when I wasn't getting my way, which happened a lot.

SPEAKER_02 25:50

Because when somebody doesn't care that much about you, that's a story for another day.

SPEAKER_01 25:56

But yeah, I think we were young and I think we got better. And then once we got married and decided to have kids, now it comes down to I'm not afraid to let our kids hear us argue because I think it's healthy for the kids to hear us argue. They need to see what a relationship looks like that we can have disagreements, that we can have some back and forth, but at the end, we figure it out. We come together, we compromise, like whatever ends up happening. But I would never want to do those heated arguments like the blowing up, throwing the coupons in the air, that kind of thing.

SPEAKER_00 26:39

We had something happen recently where Liv was around. We were in the living room and we were starting to like actually argue about something kind of heatedly.

SPEAKER_01 26:50

I think they've seen us like you can tell when they're picking up on us. Violet might have come over and tried to like she doesn't like it, even if I'm getting after Finley. Yeah. She'll be like, mommy, shh, be nice to Finley. And I'm like, okay.

SPEAKER_00 27:07

It's weird to fight in front of or argue or even have any type of heated conversation around the kids.

SPEAKER_01 27:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:15

Because a lot of times, especially the younger ones, it's like they'll just interrupt it.

unknown 27:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:21

Be like, I need to poop, or you know, something random. And it's like, I don't I don't have the mental capacity to like bite you.

SPEAKER_01 27:28

Well, I know like there are parents who are like, oh, I never want to fight in front of my kids, but that's a normal human Yeah. I don't think that's healthy either. I think it's finding that balance. I think subject matter is important. I don't like like if we were having like a deep financial conversation, I don't think they always need to know everything that's going on about that or things like that.

SPEAKER_00 27:54

Obviously, inappropriate to talk about anything sexual in front of them.

SPEAKER_01 27:59

Well, and obviously not if it's to the point where they're like, are you guys getting divorced? Like, I would never want them to worry about things like that. But I think because we have had normal arguments in front of them the whole time, they kind of understand what our relationship is like and they're not worried about that.

SPEAKER_00 28:18

I mean, we're just we've had to put our priorities in line. And a lot of things that I guess we would have thought about before kids aren't really a thing. Because I mean, when you start out your relationship, a lot of your fights are gonna be about working together with one another. And then when you have kids, hopefully you have worked all that out. Yeah. And then you work together to conquer life obstacles, and you know, you're fighting you're fighting with life, basically.

SPEAKER_01 28:52

Well, and especially starting in your 20s, it's like you're still figuring out who you are, you're figuring out how to be in a relationship with someone else. It's like when we watch all those shows like Love is Blind and Ultimatum, and we're like, these kids don't even know what it means to be in a marriage. They're so like worried about themselves, and it's so much about like giving to your partner, taking care of the other person. And a lot of them are so focused on themselves and what they want, which I get when you're in your 20s, like, yeah, you're thinking about they always tell you, what do you want when you grow up? What do you want your life to look like? And then you get into a marriage, and it's like, what do I want my life to look like? And I feel like at some point, I mean, even for me, it was like the thought of commitment was hard.

SPEAKER_00 29:41

I mean, getting married was off the table. I told you, I was like, it's off the table unless you put it back on the table. I was willing to just do a Kurt Russell and Coldie Hahn thing. And the day you said you wanted to go look at rings, I was like, oh.

SPEAKER_01 29:58

Yeah. What? But that came from a place of I had a change in perspective where it wasn't about me and what I wanted for my life, what I was scared of. It was okay, this is my partner, this is who I want to live my life with. Like, once I started thinking about like us as a team, I think is when things changed, and when I finally was like, okay, no, like I'm committed to this, like I need to get my shit together. You're welcome.

SPEAKER_00 30:35

Thank you. I will give you that one. I need to come around at some point.

SPEAKER_01 30:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:40

Wasn't 100% on it, but I wasn't either for that time.

SPEAKER_01 30:44

I had a lot of battles.

SPEAKER_00 30:45

I had definitely the exception. But yeah, it's really not trying to change the other person and mold them into who you want them to be and like, oh, I wish you would be more open with me and whatnot. It's like trying to in that aspect, you have to be willing to change yourself and the way that you operate in order to kind of meet halfway. Yeah. I have for me had to learn not to push as hard, voice my opinion, and then just like sit on it, but also asking for what you need too. Like I need you to tell me what you're thinking or this or that, and you saying, I don't know. I need you to give me a day to think about it, and then we'll reconvene later. And it's just a constant balancing act. Because then sometimes you say a lot of words. I'm like, whoa, hold on. I need time to process, like the DC trip. I'm like, I don't, I don't know. But also I just need to tell you like, can we afford it? Yes or no?

SPEAKER_01 31:55

And we figured it out, didn't we?

SPEAKER_00 31:57

We figured it out.

SPEAKER_01 31:59

When Julie sets her mind to something, it happens.

SPEAKER_00 32:02

What Julie wants, Julie gets. Dang right. It's so true though. I've already lost. I don't even have to go into battle. I just lay down on my sword because you will talk facts and all the other things under the sun in order for me to cross the line onto your territory. I will say it's not about compromise in some situations. It's this is happening. I need you to get on on board and row this boat. Sometimes, yes. Yeah. Because this is what it is, but you do it in that way of like, we're working together towards this goal. But really, it's I need you to understand that you're wrong. I'm right, and it's happening, and you need to be okay with it.

SPEAKER_01 32:45

That's fair.

SPEAKER_00 32:46

But a lot of times I don't care. But yeah, I also it comes down to money and can we afford it? And are we good? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 32:55

But I uh I don't like to be told no. What? When I have an idea and a plan in my head, and you tell me no, I get very defensive. I have to have time to again, I'm a processor. I have to have time to think it through and use my Enagram9 skills and think about it from the other side.

unknown 33:16

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 33:16

Do we have any final thoughts on communication? How we communicate, how we fatten here.

SPEAKER_00 33:23

I think we both have come a very long way.

SPEAKER_01 33:25

Yes, for sure.

SPEAKER_00 33:26

There's a lot of fucking learning. Yeah. And give and take and knowing the other person, which takes a lot of time.

SPEAKER_02 33:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 33:35

And effort. So much work. That's why I would never want to start over.

SPEAKER_02 33:39

No.

SPEAKER_00 33:41

Like, mm-mm. Nope.

SPEAKER_02 33:43

No.

SPEAKER_01 33:43

I think you pick someone who you can picture living your life with who enjoys the same things as you. But also like you try to make it work.

SPEAKER_00 33:53

Alright. So that wraps up this uh lovely episode.

SPEAKER_01 33:58

In summary, communication is important. We're not experts, but somehow we've gotten here where I think we're doing a pretty good job. We'll see.

SPEAKER_00 34:06

Always a work in progress.

SPEAKER_01 34:07

Ten years from now, where we're at. If you're enjoying the show, please go and follow and give us a rating, a five-star rating, preferably. And share it with friends. Find us on Instagram at the storiesweave you. And let us know if you have any questions, any ideas for episodes, any stories topics.

SPEAKER_00 34:28

Okay. Until next time.

SPEAKER_02 34:30

Bye. Bye.