We Stop Waiting For Systems To Save Us

Something is in the air lately and it isn’t subtle: anger, grief, disgust, and that restless feeling that the world is forcing a deeper look. We sit down with our friend Anna Holroyd and let the conversation move where it needs to, starting with sacred rage and the way politics can become an initiator for shadow work. When a headline hits your nervous system, is it really about the news, or is it touching an older wound about power, safety, and being unheard?

From there we get practical. “Be the change” sounds nice until you try to live it, so we talk about what it can actually look like: building community, growing food, bartering, exchanging skills, and creating support systems that don’t require permission. We also hold the real-life tension of living in a money-based society while trying to keep spiritual work clean, generous, and sustainable.

Then we go straight into the parenting reality: protecting kids in a culture that can feel hostile, teaching body literacy without shame, handling bullying, and learning how to stay regulated when your protective instincts want to explode. Along the way we bring in astrology and birth chart language (Chiron wounds, transits, relationship patterns) as a mirror for healing, plus matrescence and postpartum rewiring as a real developmental rite of passage. We close with a 369 ritual as a clear, grounded decree for sovereignty and freedom. If this conversation lands for you, subscribe, share it with a friend who needs it, and leave a review with the part you want to talk about next.

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:00

We are on. Welcome back to the Emergence Podcast with JD and Ty. And our beautiful friend Hanna. Hanna Holroyd. She is our special guest on our 10th episode. 10th slash 11th. The 10th episode didn't work.

SPEAKER_04 0:19

Spirit was like, no, we're not sharing those things.

SPEAKER_03 0:23

And we were like, okay. So the the episode that we did record didn't record. And so

Welcome And The Lost Recording

SPEAKER_03 0:30

she would have been our 11th episode, but instead she's our 10th, which is completion and beautiful. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. So where do we want to begin? Do you want to say anything? Do you want to introduce? I'm going off of you guys. Okay. I'm going off of you. Theme not the energies. I see. Yeah, because I'm scattered.

SPEAKER_04 0:50

So that's okay. Yeah. Um, what kind of themes have been popping up in your guys' lives lately? Nosy people.

SPEAKER_03 0:59

Weird dreams. Yeah, same. Weird dreams about the nosy person. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Um mine's an undercurrent. Okay. Global undercurrent. And I'm just angry. Angry. Angry. Do you feel like the Aries energy has been contributing to that anger? I absolutely know.

SPEAKER_00 1:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:20

And I don't have Aries in my sign anywhere. And so it's that's the one

Sacred Rage And Political Triggers

SPEAKER_03 1:26

emotion I've always suppressed. And so the sacred rage. But it also comes out very first. Have you ever?

SPEAKER_04 1:34

I made a video months back when again the whole I mean, when has the political stuff ever like calmed down? I've just kind of checked in and out here and there, listening to my own body's capacity. Um, but the political parties and the wounds that they bring up for people, the feeling of being powerless, the feeling of being anger. I feel like it's a huge collective um trigger. Like politics is an initiator of shadow work. Oh, for sure.

SPEAKER_03 2:09

100%.

SPEAKER_04 2:10

And I don't think people realize that enough. Not saying what's coming up for people is, you know, bad or good, but the awareness. The awareness that there's a wound there. Because why are you so angry? Because you're not powerless.

SPEAKER_03 2:24

Well, and I think politics also is the bridge to the bridge from individual trauma to collective trauma.

SPEAKER_04 2:31

Yeah, micro to macro. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_03 2:33

And that's something that I've actually been working on is like you said, you'll check in and see where what your body can tolerate and I'll do the same thing. But it's I've realized that even conversations, I'm more of a bridge where neutrality. Tell me why you feel that way. What is it's not you're wrong, fuck you, blah, blah. It's like you can live in the nuance. Yeah. And and not be polarized. Like it's yeah, politics is just fucking stupid as it is. And I but that mantra of be the change. I think I was telling you that, JD, be the change. But otherwise, it's so overwhelming feeling.

SPEAKER_04 3:16

Beautiful how that change um expresses itself so differently within every person. Because for me, be the change is be sustainable, grow a garden, get the start at home. Like, do not rely on government um supplemental programs. Do not rely, you know. Yeah. That that to me

Building Community Outside The System

SPEAKER_04 3:36

is be the change, is like exiting the matrix where I can. You know.

SPEAKER_03 3:42

Create your own community that has all the things that they would offer you. And we've talked about that. Which makes them powerless. Yep. And it's more empowering for you.

SPEAKER_04 3:50

Yep. And just like the the returning of bartering and exchanging. Exchanging. Yeah. That's I have chills all over my body. Like I I know for a fact that's where we're headed to more of that. How that future's gonna look with like the new technology and AI, I've no idea. Right. I have no idea. Yeah. But I I have to I have to think of a future where it technology and nature can thrive together.

SPEAKER_03 4:22

Yeah. And I have chills. They can weave together for sure. It's the people in power that are disrupting it. Yeah. And because there is a way to live in nuanced, quiet, peaceful.

SPEAKER_04 4:38

Yeah. And you gotta think we're still in the age of Pisces. We're not in the age of Aquarius. Not yet. We're still in the age of delusion. When does Aquarius come? That's not for another like, what, 300 years? Jesus.

SPEAKER_03 4:50

So it's like this is the long game. We're in the well, right. And you gotta think about degrees in you know, within the eon of it, switching signs like that, of we're in the end degrees of it. And when you're in the end degrees of any sign, there's this sense of like urgency. But you're really laying down like a stable foundation of like disrupting also. Yeah, we're yeah, we're disrupting what's here, but we're also like laying it down so that future generations, our kids as kids as kids as kids, can have something that is one with nature and with technology. It's like weaving it all together, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 5:27

Yeah, it makes me think of like ancient Lemurians. Like they lived in in um harmony with technology and nature. And it like braided together. Yeah, now it's destroyed.

SPEAKER_03 5:41

That's where we're going. Right. It's yeah. I agree. I love it. But right now, this like current life we're living, I don't know.

SPEAKER_04 5:52

We just gotta make the way we just yeah, we just have to make we are like you said, laying the foundation.

SPEAKER_03 5:58

I think. Yeah. Yeah. It's there's times I don't think I was built for this life. Dude, I'm going, the way I view how the world works has never worked for me. It's even when I was learning Reiki, like I've always been known how to do it. I didn't know what I was doing. Yeah, and it's but it's at the end, they're like, well, how would you market this as a business? And I'm like, ooh, gross. That's fucking gross to me. Like, if you have a gift, you share that. How like the barter, I am all on board for that. That's yeah, how it should be. I think. Yeah. The rest of the world is not there. And it's irritating because you do have bills to pay and you've got to do it. Well, that brings in just another like focal point of the society we're in, is like I agree wholeheartedly, but then we also have this we need to live. Right. And we do need money in this society to do that. Right. So how do you balance that out? And mine was always like, even though I do charge or have charged, I haven't been doing it for a long time actually. But when I do want to give it away, I do freely. Yeah, right. It it's almost like there's just a feeling. Yeah. Like you know, you know that they need it more than you need that compensation in that way. And I think there's that balance because obviously we need to live and pay for shit. Right. And that sucks. Yeah. But I think where we're laying this foundation one day, yeah, it'll all just be here's some bread. Yeah. Can I get a session? Like, here's some canned goods. Can I get a session? Yep. And I cannot wait for that. I can't either. I wish we were there now more than we are. Well, I think that's where it comes into community and building your own community. And that requires talking to people. Yeah. I'm just kidding. It requires staying over people who's Scorpio son and my Scorpio rising, like, ew. We need community, but no. No. Like, I'll watch and I'll like dip in everyone's, but mm-mm. Mm-mm. I've got my little suit. Well, I'm good with that. Bless you. I'm just over here dying. Let's talk about how gross people are while she dies.

SPEAKER_04 8:28

Sorry. Are you okay? Yeah, I might need to get up and blow my nose. Okay. So you guys continue.

SPEAKER_00 8:33

Ew. Ew. Can you talk to some people?

SPEAKER_03 8:38

People are gross. Yeah. But some people really are gross. Yeah. And not in like they feel or look gross, like their character's gross. Oh, that's right. And that's the people I don't want. That's the people I don't want to interact with. So what do you do when you find out later on and the awareness clicks in you? Um the yeah, I know. I'm picking up what you're laying down. It was not surprising. Like point blank, not surprising at all. Yeah. And even though there was like a deep love and care for that person at one point.

When Someone’s Character Turns Gross

SPEAKER_03 9:19

You can honor that. Yeah. Yeah, I can hold the nuance. Right. I honor who he was and our friendship and like our chapters together, but there was also just like this, it didn't affect me. Right. The way I kind of expected it to affect me. It didn't. It it did briefly for me. Because I'm like, whoa. Yeah, there was a moment of like disgust and gross and like, how could you? But then like thinking about it and reading the article about it, I was like, that's not surprising. And that sounded just like him. Right. Yeah. To a T. So very interesting. Yeah. Yeah. But we were also talking about how interesting it was the timing of it all. Because all of the Epstein files were coming out. And so we have this macro and then micro in our community things are being revealed. And I was like, hmm. Just looking at the parallels playing out. Right. And they have to. I'm sure it's happening in a lot of a lot of communities. Well, it's even which is good. The rape community the whole thing. I was like, what the fuck is happening? You're talking about the the website. The rape academy. Yeah. Yeah. 62 million.

What Violence Revelations Stir Up

SPEAKER_03 10:32

That's crazy. Like, it's crazy. And I was talking to um well actually I was talking to Belle about it. And we were coming home from up north, and I said, it was after the protest, actually. And she said, um, well, what do you think? Something about women. And I said, I am scared to have a daughter right now. The things that are coming out are nothing new. It's been going on. I don't, and I'm grateful I don't understand this, that way of thinking. Just like I don't understand homophobia. I don't understand racism. My brain doesn't work that way.

SPEAKER_00 11:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 11:13

But to see women, like, at what point did that change? Where a woman like you get a an island of women who have not seen a man in five years. Their first thought, if a man comes up, is not gonna be to rape them. You know, a woman goes, that's a whole other story. And it's at what point did that happen? Because it feels like it's been going on for so long. I mean, yes, there's communities where they've got um the women that run it. I mean, and it's you see less and less of those though. And it's I just about the value of human life and because of your sex or because of the sex you're attracted to, or I I don't get it.

SPEAKER_04 12:00

Yeah, me neither. Me neither. And it is disgusting that that website's still out. I didn't know that. They have the capabilities of taking it down.

SPEAKER_03 12:08

I did not know that. You know they do. I didn't know that it was still up. I didn't I haven't even looked. I haven't looked either. Like at the site. I was like, it's that's way too triggering for me.

SPEAKER_04 12:21

I I didn't look it up, but both of my sister-in-laws are pretty um angry and advocating for it. Sorry, it's right in our ears nowadays. Yeah. I'm so ready for the sickness shit to be up. I've been sick every single month since December.

unknown 12:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 12:41

Is it allergies?

SPEAKER_04 12:42

No. Well, I think it is it could be connected to histamine intolerance. So it's always hits like after like late luteal to my period every single month. So it's been rough. Yeah. But back to the topic. Sorry for snotting on you guys.

SPEAKER_03 13:03

Oh, you're good.

SPEAKER_04 13:04

Um yeah, both of my sister-in-laws advocate it advocate for it and express their anger and disdain, which is like right, rightfully, it's disgusting.

SPEAKER_03 13:16

Yeah. Um But how do you change it? That's where I get that's where I get overwhelmed. How do you change the climate? I was just talking, I was just talking to Taylor about our first Sananga session. And literally walked in going, telling JD, going, I fucking hate all men. I don't know why. I just fucking hate them. And we do our session, and she says, Have you ever done Senanga? And I was like, No. She goes, Do you want to? And I went, sure. And she goes, but I'm being called, it's the masculine. For I'm like, fucking of course it is. And so she does, and it and to this day, it's that no matter how

Surrendering Hate And Raising Better Men

SPEAKER_03 14:03

much my eyes watered, no matter how much I was anything, it didn't stop until I surrendered. And at the end of it, I went, that's why I have boys. All of my boys to teach you. Well, no, to see that I have taught them how to be respectful of women. And you were that change. Right. You were. And it was like, oh my God. And it was beautiful. I often wonder, like, why did I have all girls? And there's a lot there. Yeah. There's a lot to unpack there, gondo.

SPEAKER_04 14:34

But do you find that belief though that like the reason you had how many boys? Five? Six? Four. Four? Four boys. Five four.

SPEAKER_03 14:42

Jesus Christ. Six seven.

SPEAKER_02 14:45

Six women.

unknown 14:47

All right.

SPEAKER_04 14:48

But you had you had four boys. Do you ever come back to that belief to anchor you in the in the feelings that you're experiencing now? Yeah. Because it's like with the climate and with all these things coming to light about how a majority of the men operate and view women, like it's just conditioning.

SPEAKER_03 15:07

It is conditioning. And that's but then there's also the monsters aren't always born. Sometimes they're made. Right. And here you are making the anti-monsters that are going to be less advocate for the women. Right. And protector for the women. Exactly. And that's you know, when Connor and I went on our trip, it was such when it comes to racism, homophobia. My kids are like, I think it's awesome when I'm at on by a guy. And I'm like, fuck yeah. Like it's even if you don't go that way, it's very flattering. And but they're not like, oh my God. And I'm like, okay. Like there's that watching how they are with women and women's rights and autonomy. I'm like, so thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

SPEAKER_04 15:55

That belief does like, is there anything else that helps you hold the nuance that like not all men are shit hard?

SPEAKER_03 16:02

It's hard. Honestly, right now, it it's difficult. But I go back to that every single time. That session and that realization of that's why I had boys. Okay. Like it that's probably the only anchor that I've been able to hold on to. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 16:20

Well, I'm glad you have that.

SPEAKER_03 16:21

I am too.

SPEAKER_04 16:22

Are you trying to find more anchors too?

SPEAKER_03 16:25

Um, I am honoring my rage right now about it. And it's it's been something that I've been proud of myself for. Is even though anger is the one emotion that I always suppressed when that I can do it. Like none of us are hard. Yeah. Right. None of us are taught how to do it in a healthy way. Now, old me would be daggers, like dipped in poison. It was all true, but I was doing it with the intent to fucking hurt you. And that's not okay. You know, yes, that's it's not healthy. Right. So to be able to have conversations like that where I am calm and centered, they're difficult. Yes. But I can say, yeah, no, this is not okay. There's an empowerment, but also an opportunity for them to hold themselves accountable and empower themselves a little bit in that. It's just the in between that's good. For sure. Yeah. But I think you're you're taking on in a way that's bless you. Feels balanced. Right this moment. Yeah, because if you're not, if you're not, you know, holding yourself in check and like checking your intent, like then you are just as chaotic as they are. Right. In a sense. You know what I mean? Yep. So I think that's it's good to have that awareness. Well, isn't that where it all starts? Uh-huh. But how it all evolves is. I mean, we were talking about this too. Do you need something? No. I don't need to. I think I have an allergy pill. Oh no, I don't. I have allergy pills downstairs. Text your children. Tell them to bring us one. I don't think anybody's home. Oh shit. I can go grab it though. Where is it? I'll go grab it. I don't know. Oh. I'll have to go look. I think I know where it is. I'll be right back.

SPEAKER_04 18:23

Okay, we'll put a fucking pin in it for a minute.

unknown 18:26

Fuck.

SPEAKER_04 18:26

I'm like dying over here. I'm over here thinking is the male anger rage triggering me? It's coming out.

SPEAKER_03 18:35

It's coming out. Oh fuck. That's how I've been the last three months. I'm wondering it's just because the cat usually is right here too. Are you allergic to cats? No. But I'm wondering I'm wondering if that's like causing it. No, I think it'll be okay when she brings that in. Do you feel it in your throat? No, it's just my eyes and my sinuses. Oh, see, mine has been my sinuses, my ears, and down my throat. I was fine until we started like talking.

SPEAKER_04 19:13

I know. I'm thinking I'm reflecting on it right now. I mean, hey. Perception. I mean, I I don't know. Blocked? I don't know. What does sneezing represent? I forgot you guys. Well, I was just reflecting on why all of a sudden I'm going into a sneezing fit as we're talking about all the masculine energy. All the masculine energy. So it's like, am I expelling what am I expelling? What? Because I feel like I have a pretty nuanced um perception on men.

SPEAKER_02 19:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 19:53

Um, to be honest, I don't understand the anger and the hate that you're experiencing because I love men. I have two boys. Right. You know, I'm raising them to be those good men that you've raised your boys to be. And yeah, I can see disgusting, but also I see that in the feminine too. So it's like if I'm gonna have that much anger towards the masculine, then the feminine deserves it too. So I absolutely have that anger too. But then I come back to like, I don't think either of them deserve it. Because I don't want to feed that cycle. Yeah. You know? I want to anchor something else for the divine masculine fuel in it. Not saying that what you're going through doesn't have validity and purpose. I think it does.

SPEAKER_03 20:39

I just I don't understand it. Well, that's I've always been one and this is not a popular topic. But when it comes to pedophiles, especially, that there, for as long as I can remember, there is a part of me. I am not saying that it's okay. It's there's a part of you that has compassion for that. Yeah. And I I feel sad that because most moments are made. Exactly. Exactly. It's very rare for like a true psychosociopath person to be born. Yeah. But usually it is conditioned and made. And that is. And I I get that. That is I feel that deeply too. But I'm also uh there's like this ground where I'm like, I would be okay though if we eliminated them if we knew that that's what they were. Right. Yeah, right. And I can also have compassion for you for having that life. Right. But you don't deserve to be here. Because the in yeah, you and what are you making those kids into? Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. I get it. Yeah. And it's, but with the women also, I have always, even before, well, not before, but it's like women that cry rape. And it didn't happen. I'm like, oh, motherfucker. Yeah. And nothing happens to them. And I'm like, you literally just. Just destroyed a man's life and he didn't do anything. But you planted the seed and there's the doubt. And now everyone's gonna be like, oh, well, did he pay her off? Or did he, you know? Yeah. And that's disgusting. And that doubt will always be there. Always his character. Always. It never goes away. Yep. Yep. Yep. And that that's disgusting. It's very harmful. Yeah. Yeah. And it's not, that's where it's like, I don't know what the answer is. I don't. And it's overwhelming to when I really deep dive it. And my own, my own life experience and my relationships absolutely are triggered by things that are going on. And I can look at that and I can go, for once in my life, I have a voice. And I can say, actually, you're fucked up. That's not okay.

SPEAKER_00 22:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 22:48

Um, but then I can also go, oh, that's a me thing. Like I'm being but and it can be both. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_04 22:54

You are fucked up and I am triggered.

SPEAKER_03 22:55

This is a wound. Absolutely. But then it can be both. Absolutely. But then to look at it also and say, okay, because my attachment styles start kicking up and I'm like, it's uncomfortable, but now I'm getting anxious. Like, yeah. And I live so much in my head at attempting to bring it down and go, where am I feeling it in my body? Okay, honor it, let it move, breathe through it. You know, where before it's like, go down, go down, go down, go down. I don't want to do this. Yeah. Yeah. So that's huge. It is. That's a huge step, Anna. I know. It's exhausting. We've been talking about this a lot. On our last podcast that didn't get recorded, she was like, Good job. You're not in your head all the time. Literally. You're in like I'm honoring my body. Because that's I it's been a huge focal point for me. Yeah. And I was just like, I know. Like a good job. Absolutely. Because I I was a pro at intellectualizing the shit out of all my feelings. Well, that's where like the.

SPEAKER_04 23:58

And then you thought it was processed, but really it was just somewhere.

SPEAKER_01 24:02

Still there. I'm like, I'm fine. Yeah. What's going on, guys? Yeah. I'm totally fine. Yep. This is normal. This is fine. I'm fine.

SPEAKER_03 24:15

Like all this morph dude. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I often wonder what our energetic bodies look like like that.

SPEAKER_04 24:23

Dude, take a picture of your body just like in underwear and you'll see what is misaligned. I mean, I learned this in massage therapy school. You always look at a person's body to see what's overcompensating and what isn't.

SPEAKER_00 24:35

This closed shoulders. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 24:38

Like a lot of people's hips are misaligned because one side, masculine or feminine, overrides the other instead of working together.

SPEAKER_03 24:45

Yeah. When I when I had my session with Debbie and she did her back

Getting Out Of The Head

SPEAKER_03 24:50

session on me, back is all emotions, right? The face makes sense. The face zoning is all mental. And so I did a back zone and she's like, it's all emotional. And she was at like the base of my sacrum and just hovering there. And she's like, Tight, this is so like flowy. And I was like, thank you. I'm like, I'm not stuck anywhere.

unknown 25:14

That's awesome.

SPEAKER_03 25:15

That is awesome. Like, it's just it felt so like just open and not like stagnate anywhere. And I was like, that's fucking great. That is beautiful. That is. That's good. I need both. I know. Black back and face. All at the same time. No, her Reiki sessions are really cool though. Yeah. Yeah. I like them. I want to have a back one done. Same. It was really cool. Same. I love Debbie. I know. We talked about her last week too. I know. We want her to be on the podcast as well. Good. She said yes. Yep. So we're just gonna. She's incredible. That's gonna be a fantastic. I know. Yeah. I don't even know. I'm not gonna be able to do that. We're gonna be like, I was gonna say, are you yeah. Like fangirl.

SPEAKER_04 26:00

And she's always like, do not put people on a pedestal.

SPEAKER_03 26:02

And I'm like, but you're like a teeny bit above it. Just a teeny bit. In a good way. I love it though.

SPEAKER_04 26:11

She's so grounded. I just love how honed, honed in her gifts are. Like she always reminds me, like, yeah, you're gifted, but like be a human. Yeah. And I'm like, oh yeah. Oh yeah. Because that's what I'm here for, is to experience being a human.

SPEAKER_00 26:27

Right.

SPEAKER_04 26:28

And it's a lot denser than what we're used to, but that's what we chose to come in and do. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 26:34

And I I don't know. I've shifted my perspective on like how lucky am I to feel all those human feelings. Yeah. How lucky are we?

SPEAKER_02 26:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 26:43

Like even though it's shit in it and you're just like overwhelmed and it's daunting and it's hard, like you get to do it. We get to do it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 26:52

Without the suppression, without the chasing anything that is too uncomfortable away.

SPEAKER_03 26:58

Well, and that's like I told I've told my older boys that it's in life, right? For we chose this path, not this one.

SPEAKER_02 27:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 27:09

But with that immense grief and sadness and anger, we would not know the joy. The polarity. And exactly. And that how lucky are we that we did choose this as difficult and hard. We get to know amounts of happiness and joy that other people will never know. Yeah. And that's beautiful. It really is. It's such a gift. I really try not to take any of it for granted. And I think it does help my parenting style too, because when it's like they're acting nuts and crazy, I'm just like, I'll just try to like tilt my head and be like, look how cute they are. Like they're just living and like feeling things and expressing them in like loud ways that child children do. Yep. And instead of being frustrated or annoyed by them, like, look how cute they are. Like well, so I'm looking at Belle going, out of all my kids, she's gonna be the death of me. In the sense, like, I uh hormones, I do not, I don't even know how to end my home. Like that's how I feel with all my girls. Holy shit. Boys are easy. Girls, I'm like, she's coming home and telling me stuff, and I'm like, uh, I okay. Like, I don't know what to do here. I don't know what to do. And sometimes she's like, one time she came up to me, she goes, she's telling me something, and I was at a complete loss. And she goes, It's okay, mom. You don't have to have an answer. I'm just telling you, and I'm like, Thank fucking god, because I don't have an answer. Like, you're like, Thank you for that. Yeah, thanks for the permission. Yeah, exactly. That's too funny, it's funny. Yeah, have fun with that. One's gonna be the destiny. I'm like, whoa. They're all crazy. But it is beautiful. Yeah, it is beautiful. They're all very unique, and I don't know. I don't know what to expect when they all hit puberty. We're all in it, and we're all in it together. But I feel like with the work I'm doing on my body and my cycle syncing and stuff, I feel like I'm and I'll be able to help them. That's when we went to the maturation, like again, Utah's just weird to me.

Parenting Puberty With Less Shame

SPEAKER_03 29:20

Yeah. But it's we go and Belle's like, her little friends are like, Oh, I didn't know this. And she's like, like we talk about periods at the dinner table. Like, it's not, I made all my boys go and buy tampons and things. I'm like at like 10, 12, going, I am not raising boys who are gonna be like, no, this is weird. Nope. Like, no, not happening. So Belle's like, I already knew this stuff. Like, yeah, and that's actually really validating as a parent, you know. Yeah, Amara was in the bathroom when I was changing my diva cup one day, and she was like, Why do you have hair down there? Like, you'll have hair down there too one day, and in your armpits, and then I was putting on deodorant. Why are you doing that? Well, when you have hair up here, you start to get a body odor sometimes, and it just helps with the smell. Yeah. And I'm just like explaining all these things, like, I don't know. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 30:14

Kids are so funny.

SPEAKER_02 30:16

Kids are funny. Roman asked DJ the other night. I'm laying with Enzo. He's laying with, and I hear him go, Dad, but why doesn't mom have a penis? And I was like, waiting for DJ to answer.

SPEAKER_03 30:30

He's asking you to make it.

SPEAKER_04 30:32

And I was just like waiting. And he goes, because mom's a girl. We're boys, we have different parts. And he just goes, Okay.

SPEAKER_02 30:40

Good night. And then he's like, all right. That's the first question we passed. What's next? It just keeps coming.

SPEAKER_03 30:48

Oh, yeah. Yeah. And he's on an age, he's gonna ask everything. Uh-huh. Everything. He says, They're so curious. He's so curious too. These little aquarium ideas coming. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. Yep. That's gonna be fun. Sometimes. This is kind of like Silver. She's my Aquarius too, and she'd ask all the questions. But once you answer her, because they're Aquarius, they'll go, I know. And you're like, then why the fuck did you ask me? If you know everything, yeah, little Ms.

SPEAKER_04 31:20

Know It All. Sometimes he does ask questions like he knows the answer to it. I'm like, what do you think? And then he answers it. I'm like, I think that's right, buddy. And he's like, hmm. You're just I'm like I'm validating the know it all. I'm like, I want him to be confident in what he knows because he's so smart. He's so smart. Yeah. I got him puzzles the other day, and he was just like knocking those bitches out of the park.

SPEAKER_03 31:44

And I was just like, Kate, you're smart. Like really smart. That's awesome. Like these are harder puzzles. They were like four to five-year-old puzzles. And I was just like, and he's you can see him just going, just really using his like cricket of critical thinking. And I was like, this is cute. That's yeah, very cute. And then Enzo comes over and he's like, and then I guess it's a nap time thing, buddy.

SPEAKER_02 32:10

We're just gonna have to pull out the puzzles at nap time.

SPEAKER_03 32:12

He goes, Okay.

SPEAKER_04 32:15

Like, I'm like, you used to do it too. For real. You used to destroy things too.

SPEAKER_03 32:21

Like, don't worry, Enzo will get there. That's so funny. Kids are cute. He's such a little thinker though, Enzo. Oh, for sure. Like, he's so absorbing. It reminds me of Amara, actually. Yeah. A lot. Yeah. He he takes in a lot. He's the absorber. Yeah. I think he absorbs things a lot too. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 32:40

You have to start teaching them how to not absorb. Yeah, definitely. How do you teach someone so small?

unknown 32:51

Kids.

SPEAKER_03 32:52

I'm working on it. They're so open. I know. I'm so open. Well, Belle will come home and she's just overwhelmed. Mm-hmm. And it's like Is it too stimulating? No, it's because she's so open and she feels everything and then takes responsibility for it. She's she is a mini-me. So she not only absorb absorbs it, but she internalizes it. Yeah. And so my thing would be like, okay, so how you're feeling right now, is that yours or is it somebody else? Like and how to differentiate between that? Because it's hard. I still do it like walking in and I'm just like, okay, okay. I I can remember being five years old praying to God to take my conscience away because I felt everything.

SPEAKER_00 33:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 33:44

And going, I can't live this life doing that. All these things all the time. Yeah. It's too much and it's too overwhelming. And teaching her that and also attempting to understand, shh, they're different than we were. I mean, with technology and social media and things like that. And I'm like, holy shit. Like, that's a whole new beast. Yeah. To take, I mean, it's there. It's a lot. It is. I'm still very, very heads-town getting Haysley a phone. Question if it's like a blessing or a curse or if it's both.

SPEAKER_02 34:18

I know.

SPEAKER_03 34:19

Well, and I think that's where like the discernment and the balance comes in. Like teaching them to discern, okay, this is uh enough. You know, because I find myself even myself as a stool scrolling. And it's like, and I should have more willpower than a child.

SPEAKER_00 34:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 34:36

You know? Yeah.

unknown 34:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 34:37

It's very scary. It's been

Phones Social Media And Protection

SPEAKER_03 34:40

it's great in a lot of ways for connection, right? But the balance, like you said, and being able to go, yeah, I need to step back. This is too much, kind of thing. I'm not present with my family. Yeah, kind of thing. And I also don't want it just to open them up to any like online scrutiny or bullying or you know, to they're just it's a lot. Because I don't think that anybody understands the amount of things I would do to protect my kids and I would be in jail probably. If somebody was bullying my kid, I think I would punch a child. I've come close. Like to the point Mark had to carry me inside the house because I was ready. Yep. Yeah. Like and maybe that's why I'm scared, because I'm scared more for how I will respond if something goes awry. Right. Yeah. Trust me. Yeah. See, and that's something that I do. I trust you in those situations because I'm pretty level-headed. That but it that's almost painful. Like it is we have to stay regulated. Yes, like we we had an incident with Ben that um there was a kid that was bullying him, and Belle messaged me during school. So she doesn't have a phone, but she's gotta watch.

SPEAKER_00 35:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 35:59

And she's like, mom, that tells me I am fucking in the car racing, and the whole way, like, this motherfucker, he's fucking 11, like 12. And I'm going, and the thing is is that he is Hispanic and he gets made fun of for it. So the

Bullying Regulation And School Culture

SPEAKER_03 36:19

logic in me is going, okay, this kid knows, like he's experienced it, right? But fuck you, that's my kid. By the time we get to the school, I'm like barreling in there. And um, Mr. Nielsen, like he sees us, and then someone came to talk to him, and he turns his back and is talking to him, and he goes, I know why you're here. Come and he goes, I've just learned of it. That's something I feel really safe in our community, though. Like it's with everything going on in the world, I wouldn't trust being anywhere else than I do here, especially for Ben. Yeah. Yeah. It's any cuts in education, anything, uh, he won't slip through the cracks because of where we are.

SPEAKER_02 37:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 37:03

The bullying, I mean, you guys know it's Sevier County is disgusting. It is when so much so that it's caused so many. The amount of suicides, that's what I mean. Like it's the average, we are so much farther above the average. I know. And that's scary, especially because we're so small. Right. That says something. Yeah. Like, and I know the work that you guys did on it. And again, it's almost that helpless feeling. You're like, what the fuck? Okay, what well, and I think that that ceremony that we did, it felt more of like a surrender. Like, because what can we do about it? Right. So there's like this level of surrender to just what will be will be, but also lifting the the what's the word I'm looking for? Just the heaviness off of those kids. I think was that intention of that ritual and that ceremony was just to let help them let it go.

SPEAKER_00 38:04

Right.

SPEAKER_03 38:05

You know, and surrender that heaviness instead of carrying

Suicide Weight And Helpline Barriers

SPEAKER_03 38:09

it. Because the carrying it is ultimately what will lead to their demise because it will get too heavy. Right. And so that was like kind of proxy work, I guess, in a sense of like, oh, yeah. They don't know how to let go of it. Let's help them let go of what they're carrying. Right. And we did see a slow, a slowness in the suicide rate. Or I mean that that year was crazy. It was like one every month, it felt like. Yeah. It was a lot. Yeah. Well, and then here's another thing. I'm telling you, my rage is like the 1-800 number. There like the helpline? Yeah. Yeah. So there's a Utah. Wait, I could be wrong on this. There's a you I think there's a Utah one just for Utah, but you have to have your parents' permission. Oh, what the fuck? Right? Fucking weird. Like, I I have children that have used it who have had. How do they have how do they know you have to do it? I don't know. I don't, that's what I said. I don't, I don't, I don't know if it's something like they've your parents got a sign on. I don't know exactly what it is. It's not the 1-800 number. It's not, it's not that one. Um, but I have kids who have used it and they've said, Mom, is it okay? I'm like, absolutely. Like, I know as open as I am with my children and attempt to create a safe environment that there are some things they might not be ready to share with me. Right. But to have somebody that they can, why the fuck would you take that away? Like, that's terrifying to me. Or put a barrier in front of it. Right. Yeah. Especially because what if the kid is the parent is the issue? Exactly. Right. You know? Right. For sure. So that's crazy.

SPEAKER_02 39:56

Yeah. Are you okay? Yeah. Okay. Okay. I mean, yeah.

unknown 40:01

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 40:02

I'm surviving.

SPEAKER_03 40:02

Did that do you feel like the allergy medicine helped or not? Not really. So so. Okay. Still feel but less watery eyes. Yeah. Yeah. That's good.

SPEAKER_02 40:18

It's a good chat. It is a good chat. I was um looking up the Uranus living into Gemini today.

SPEAKER_03 40:27

Reading about all that fun stuff. You guys are my gurus on that. I don't know. I have a Gemini cancer stellium with this urine Uranus happening.

SPEAKER_02 40:37

So my relationships, it's all relationships. Seventh house?

SPEAKER_03 40:41

Uh huh. Yeah. And like I'm seventh house. We're a decade apart. And it's a seven-year cycle. Mine's in the eighth house. Yep. Mine just left the

Astrology Transits And Birth Time

SPEAKER_03 40:52

seventh house, which we all know that was a doozy. That was the doozy. How much does it affect your birth chart if you don't know what time you were born? It'll affect affects like the your rising for sure. Okay. Um, I mean, there are astrologers that can actually help calculate it and pin it down to like an hour. Okay. Like there's some really good astrologers out there that can, oh, you have this in your mid-heaven and this on your, you know, they're good at calculating. That's cool. I am not one of those. Okay. That's cool. But I know they exist. So you could find out. I guess I could apply for a new birth certificate. And what do you feel? Like, I mean, you know, like the general. That's what I've been going off of is more how it feels. Because I do fez it it's changed. My rising has changed, but I I feel more Aquarius rising than I can't remember what Libra, maybe. I don't know. But it didn't. Well, and that makes a lot of sense, especially because of your your openness. Yeah. Mm-hmm. That's that's kind of what I've been going off of. Yeah, and the whole like mind, very airy and working through coming it, bringing it down into the body. Right. And rising it's you were living in your head. So that does make sense. That's what I go off of.

SPEAKER_02 42:20

Okay. I say go off what you feel. Yeah. I muscle tested DJs. He doesn't know the time of his birth because he was born in a cave.

SPEAKER_03 42:30

You guys laugh like it's a joke. No, I know it's not a joke. It's just makes me laugh.

SPEAKER_04 42:35

It makes me laugh too. My husband was born in a cave.

SPEAKER_03 42:38

I know. It just makes me laugh because it reminds me of the time that I was like the honeymoon suites. Oh yeah. Andrew was like, let's go on the honeymoon suites up in Idaho. And they have like themed rooms. Right.

SPEAKER_02 42:50

And there's a cave one. And DJ was right by me and I was like, look, there's a cave one. And I was like, oh. And he starts laughing. I was like, you were born in a cave.

SPEAKER_03 43:02

You know what it feels like to be in a cave. It's not a sensitive issue for him. Everybody jokes about it.

SPEAKER_04 43:08

Their whole family jokes about it.

SPEAKER_02 43:09

It cracks me up so much. So yeah. So funny. His sister in law. You muscle tested though. What was it?

SPEAKER_04 43:16

Uh it was somewhere around 3 a.m. I think like 3 47 a.m. or something like that.

SPEAKER_03 43:21

Oh. What did it make him? I don't know off the top of my head. You could muscle test the time too, yeah. If you want it exact. Or you can't. Why are you quivering? She doesn't want truth. I was going with what it feels like.

SPEAKER_02 43:37

Do you still talk to your mom?

SPEAKER_03 43:39

No. No. I have my birth certificate, but it was after I was adopted. And it has my change name, and there's no time on it. And I even when I was speaking to her, it asked her. And she's like, I don't know. Didn't care enough. I mean but like danger. Time, nighttime. That's what kind of nice. Give me like at least 12 hours to work with. Like I've been told like the afternoon, so I go off at like two o'clock usually is about what I go off of. Okay. So okay. Yeah. I think it works. Uh yeah. I mean, it's gonna be closer than the troop. Right. Than whatever you could get to. I just know that Scorpio's dominant through everything. And it's I only have like one Scorpio placement. I think I have seven. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Like Yeah. Yeah. But it's kind of like Gemini, is how I look at it. Like you get the shit end of the stick when people are like, oh, I'm a Gemini or I'm a Scorpio. That's because all those people have encountered shadow Geminis. They're not the evolved. Right. They haven't evolved. Yeah. Like it's a good idea.

SPEAKER_04 44:48

I could say that about Aquarius. I could say it about Libra. Fucking hate them. Fucking say it about Pisces. But I but I but I'm like, but that's so unfair because there are evolved of those signs. It's the shadow aspects of those signs that I'm like, yeah, you're not evolved, bro. Right.

SPEAKER_03 45:03

Go do your shadow work, please. Yeah. For the sake of humanity. All of us. Yeah. For the sake of all of us. It's true. It's crazy. No. It's true though. I think. I mean, like the generic part of like Gemini is like two-faced, and it's like, I'm a real face, actually. Yeah. I've totally experienced the two-faced Gemini. Same. My older mate. Same. Gemini through and through, but shadow of the Gemini. Yeah. Demon. Yeah. I never liked Geminis. Until Ty. Like, no shit. I was like, I'm like, but you're not. You're all very. But you're not like that. I'm glad I could be the change. Yeah, absolutely. Well, because Caden's a Gemini too. And I'm like, ugh. Okay. He's not. He is not your typical Gemini, though.

SPEAKER_04 45:59

And then that's because the whole chart. It's the whole thing.

SPEAKER_03 46:03

Right. You know? Absolutely. Which I'm like, if you're looking at my whole chart, I have a Gemini styllium. Okay. So. And most of my personal planets. So my sun, my Mercury, and my Venus are all Gemini. And then I have Chiron, my wounded healer, also in Gemini. So my wound is expressing. And that's why this is a big part of what the children's saying. My Chiron is in Scorpio in the 7th house. Wait, will you see what mine is? Can you see what mine is?

SPEAKER_02 46:33

Where's your phone?

SPEAKER_03 46:34

Do you have a phone?

Chiron Wounds And Self Worth

SPEAKER_02 46:36

Do you have a phone? Do you communicate?

SPEAKER_03 46:41

Do you have an astro app? I did. It's under my moon. Starshit. That's what it's under. Starshit. Or folder. How are you guys' lower backs? My back's fucked.

SPEAKER_04 46:56

Okay, mine just started like aching for some reason.

SPEAKER_02 46:58

Wait, what did you?

SPEAKER_03 47:00

We're trying to discern whose is it? Is it mine or is it yours? Mine's always messed up. I mean, my left hip was hurting earlier and then I moved a little and it loosened. I don't know if that was mine. It's like my sacrum. No, mine's good. Alright, it's probably me. I'm okay. It should be saved. If you just open it. So your wounded healer is communication. Is that accurate? Yes. And and what is yours? Mine's Chiron in the 11th house. It's not logged in. Is there another one you use more? It's not.

unknown 47:46

Why is it?

SPEAKER_04 47:49

I know. Chiron in the 11th makes me often feel like an outsider in group settings. Oh. Which is a very bigger. Since childhood. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 48:00

Yeah. Mine's in the seventh house. So relationships. Yeah. So it's relationships, not communication. It's seventh and eighth, but it's Mercury and ruled by it's Gemini and ruled by Mercury. So it's it's like the trifecta. Yeah. Okay. Why isn't it working? Okay. Which one were you on? I was on Astro Matrix.

SPEAKER_02 48:35

That's what I had it on. Okay. Well, we can just do this. Oops, add her to you. When's your birthday? October.

SPEAKER_03 48:49

The feelings are hurt. Yes. Do you know my birthday? No. Okay, so don't even. I mean, mine's easy. Mine's easy. Isn't it my birthday? Uh June. When? May? The end of May? May 31st. Mine's June. Oh, I can remember that then. May 31st. Mine's June 21st. 22. What's your year? 78. May 31st, June 22nd. 78, 88, 98.

SPEAKER_04 49:18

I just realized we're each 10 years apart.

SPEAKER_03 49:20

It's a 3 thing! What town were you born in? Okanagan, Washington. How do you spell that? Okay. And hang on. Oh, I got it. It popped up. Add user.

SPEAKER_02 49:43

Okay. So Scorpio, Moon, Sun, Aquarius rising.

SPEAKER_03 49:51

What are we looking at? Your Chiron? Mm-hmm. Your chiron is in Taurus in the second house. So what does that mean? So second house is money, finances, resources, Taurus is basically it says heal you are good enough. Healing insecurities. Harnessing creative inspiration from your pain, cultivating self-worth and security, embracing inner healing, letting go of self-imposed guilt. I embrace my pain, slowly transforming it into something beautiful and valuable, inspiring others along the way, which I think you are fantastic at doing.

SPEAKER_02 50:27

Thank you.

SPEAKER_03 50:28

Especially with all your creativeness. Thank you. You really do. And it says you truly own your pain even to the point of appearing masochistic. That's accurate. I think we've talked about it. That's accurate twice. Yeah. You have a tendency to stay in painful situations longer than necessary. Influenced by a strong moral code. Oh my god. That's accurate.

SPEAKER_04 50:53

It's no wonder people like who reject astrology just don't they reject themselves. It calls them fucking out.

SPEAKER_03 51:03

Yep. Despite brooding or wallowing in pain, those with Chiron and Taurus eventually create something beautiful and valuable from their suffering. Which I I agree. Yeah. That, yeah, that tracks. Yeah. That tracks. But it's sun, moon, Scorpio, right? Shit, dude. No. Sun, moon, Mercury, Venus, and Mars are all in Scorpio. So four? Yeah. And then your Uranus is also in Scorpio. You have a lot of Scorpio. Telling you. And you said, what did you say you didn't have in your chart, Gemini? Or no. What were we talking about earlier? What were we saying? You're like, I don't have Aries. I don't think I have Aries. So you have Ares in Aries, which is like a celestial body. Um, but it's Aries is in your first house. Which means. Which means you are. So it's probably at the end of your first house since your ascend or your rising is Aquarius. So right? Aquarius. Pisces, Aries, right?

SPEAKER_02 52:11

Is that how it goes? I have no idea.

SPEAKER_03 52:14

Aquarius, Pisces, Aries. Because Ares is the first. Yeah. So your first house is huge compared to all the other houses. Which is crazy. And it's right at the end. So I don't know. You have, let's see, probably seven degrees of Aries in your first house in the very end. So if you look right there, you see the pie shape. See how big that triangle is compared to all these little ones? Yeah. So it's just the system that I use is tropical western astrology. And so the houses are all equal. If I did whole house system, they'd all be equal pieces of the country. But in this case, your first house is huge, and so it has Aquarius, Pisces, and Aries all in. All three. All in the first house. So what does that mean? Well, your first house is self.

SPEAKER_02 53:14

This is what this says.

SPEAKER_03 53:15

So I wonder if that's why you feel so like like blended. I honestly don't feel like there's very many people that understand the way that I see things. Like But it's probably because you have Aquarius, Pisces, and Aries all in that sense of self. Yeah. You have a little bit of those energies, each of those energies in self.

SPEAKER_04 53:38

Yeah, listen to this. Aeris and Ares is basically warrior energy in its purest, undiluted form because Ares is the mythological embodiment of Mars, and Ares is the sign Mars rules. Oh shit. So when you stack them, it's like doubling down on instinct, fire, drive, and confrontation energy. So the core energy is like immediate reaction, no buffering, no overthinking. Survival instinct is fast, sharp, and physical. Anger or desire rises quickly, but it also passes quickly. You don't strategize conflict, you enter

Warrior Fire And The Mirror Effect

SPEAKER_04 54:09

it. Strength is fierce protector energy. You'll defend yourself or others without hesitation. Strong willpower and leadership in crisis. Courage that's instinctual, not rehearsed, extremely self-directed. I move when I feel it energy, but the shadow is impulsivity and conflict. Short fuse, especially when feeling blocked or disrespected, can escalate situations before fully assessing them. Tendency to equate intensity with truth. If it feels strong, it must be right. And then there's the relational dynamic. You don't do well with passive aggression or avoidance. You literally said that to me a couple weeks ago. You prefer directness, even if it's messy. Emotional honesty matters more than emotional softness. You may attract or mirror equally fiery people. The mastery here isn't calming down, it's learning precision with your fire. So pausing just long enough to choose the target target, not suppress the flame, turning instinct into direction instead of reaction, and learning when to engage and when not to spend energy at all.

SPEAKER_03 55:11

I'm still working on that part. Yep. I'm still working on that. Wow. Okay. And a big thing for that right now is seeking authentic connections. That well, I don't harmonizing love and discord. That's your transit. So your Venus is sextile, the natal heiress in your chart from May 5th to May 13th. So harmonizing love and discord is going to be a theme over that week. Okay. Okay. Well, because that's been that I didn't realize until I was with Ben that I that mirror, right? Because he would say things to me and I'm like, who the fm? Did yours do that? What did yours do? Your headphones. What did it do? Well it went out on one side. Was it your right side? That's my right side. You were talking about Ben. Uh-huh. Um he'd say things to me, and I'd go, I you're not looking in a mirror, dude. Are you talking about Big Ben and Big Ben? Okay. Big Ben. I'd go, everything you're saying is you. Right. Yeah. That's not. And then I was like, holy shit. And then I started realizing the mirror thing. And as I've gotten older, as that disruptor, like, come at me, but I'm gonna fucking tell you and I'm gonna show you. Like, you can think I'm mean, you can think I'm aggressive, but guess what? Uh that's your shit, dude. Not mine.

SPEAKER_02 56:47

Yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_03 56:48

And I like it. I you own it? I do. I really do like it. But there's been a number of people, they're like, well, you're so aggressive. And I'm like, am I? Or are you just up front? Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 57:00

Transparent.

SPEAKER_03 57:01

Exactly. People don't like that. They want comfort. I'm like, I fuck your friends. I can't comfort.

SPEAKER_04 57:09

I can't have friends that are uncomfortable with growth. Because if I see you stagnating, or if you see me stagnating, fucking tell me. Tell me to fucking snap out of it. Like bring me back to reality. Because I I don't want to feed into your illusion or you know, it's just not for me. I can't have friendships that aren't willing to fucking grow.

SPEAKER_02 57:31

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 57:32

Or be confrontational, but in a healthy way.

SPEAKER_03 57:34

And not in a way that leads to disconnection. Right. Well, and confrontation isn't comfortable. I mean, especially if it's directed at you. It's like, oh, mm-hmm. Oh, yeah. But that's something I've been working on is to be like, okay, I can hear this.

SPEAKER_02 57:52

And I'm uncomfortable.

SPEAKER_03 57:53

And feel I'm uncomfortable. Is there but that's I've done that with anyone. Even if I don't know you or you're not someone in my life, if you say something, I'm gonna reflect on it and go, is that true? Do I feel that way? Right. And then anybody. And because it has to go through like a vetting process of your own. Yeah, exactly. Well, and how are you gonna grow? Because sometimes people that don't fucking know you see things that people you're really close to aren't comfortable enough to say. Yeah. Or they're not even seeing it because they're also exactly. Yeah, yeah. Give me brutal, give me fucking brutal harsh truth, and I may be fucking pissed. I'm gonna such a masochist. I mean it's kind of fun. But I I mean I could be pissed, but afterwards I'm gonna have so much more respect for you for sure. That you had the courage to do it. Awesome. Is it masochist or sadist?

SPEAKER_04 58:53

Do you like inflicting pain or cause or experiencing it?

SPEAKER_02 58:57

Both. Both. Both. It's a little bit of both masochism and sadism.

SPEAKER_03 59:03

Yeah. Because sadists don't they just like to in they enjoy seeing people in pain? I don't think it's a control thing. No. So, and I'm a control freak. Like in the sense that I have to have it go. I have a plan, a routine. But do you feel like that's evolved? Like yes. Ever since Caden, actually. He was that was rough for his transition and turning 18 and having the surgery and going, here's your autonomy, you're sovereign. Like you get to make these decisions. And as a mom, I'm like, but I've been his primary caretaker. Like, what what? What you had to trust him to make the right decisions. And he's so fucking smart. Like and capable. And that was something I never grew up with was that I was capable

Letting Kids Be Sovereign

SPEAKER_03 59:55

of doing things. Yeah. So it's like, no, you're gonna do it the way I say.

SPEAKER_02 59:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:00

And I have worked very hard to show my children that like that they are capable and that they know that. But that's a grief process in and of itself. Like, and I thought I had that down, having two that were over 18. Right. But in that situation, it's was like that was life or death. Right. Yeah. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do here. You're on the precipice of something huge. Yeah. And it was and you had to surrender. Yep. And and there were times where he would just be pissed. And he's one that will affect the energy in a room. Yeah. You can feel it. And I'd be like, I'm walking out to the Zen room. Like, I'm just gonna take some time and kind of come back and go, okay. I do you feel like that's a wise decision? And he'd say yeah. And I'm like, okay. You know, do you feel like you've had time to process everything having to do with it? I don't know if I have I would like to say yes, but it's such a no my nervous system is still settling back into He's okay. We're okay. Yeah, like but I also had a realization after we got home that I have lived my entire life, entire life bracing ever since I was a kid. Yeah. And I was like, that was huge, a huge realization for me. And it wasn't just one person, it was my entire life. I'm I'm bracing. Like, okay, when's it hitting? You know, and so I my I am definitely still working on my nervous system. It's a lot better. And it's um, but that surrender and acceptance and trust. Yeah, you know, and to be able to step back and look at any of my kids and go, they've got it. Like I'm go, I'm going through a thing right now of when I die, of how my children will be. Like I'm not scared to death, I'm scared for my kids. Yeah. And it's making sure they're capable and ready. Right. If that were to everyone soon or whatever. Right. And and with little Ben, you know, what that looks like. And that's scary. Yeah. And um, but looking at it even though it's uncomfortable and going, okay, so let's instead of procrastinating, let's be put a plan. Yeah, put a plan together. And it's but a lot of time I'm not so much in the space of absolute collapse. Yeah. It's I'm moving. I don't know if I'll ever be totally through it. Because there's things I still don't remember. I'm just like, okay, oh, this is what's happening. Okay. I'm just grateful that if I didn't trust his doctors as much as I did, that would have been another story. Yeah. But we were heard and validated. And you don't find that very often with doctors, especially specialists. And never once did I feel like he wasn't getting the absolute best care. Good. So yeah. Yeah. Andrew and I were talking about that last night. We were watching a show, and her son got shot and she was in the hospital, and it was like some like low-class hospital or whatever. And she's trying to, she's like, he's having the seizure, even though you put him in a coma, like he's he's not okay. Like, if you continue to let him have these seizures, something's gonna he's gonna lose brain capacity. And the doctor's like, I'll check on him when I can, and like just totally dismissed her, and and like she pulled a gun and was like, Help hostages. I'm like, dude, right? I don't understand, like fucking listen. Yeah, just listen, and then you're literally five steps away from his room. Like, go check on him now. Right. But it was just so like brushed off, but then he saw what happens when a mother's not being heard and has a child that is right, might die. Like, you better fucking listen. Yeah. But we were talking about it, and I was like, I'd do anything, we would do anything, yeah. Yeah, and that's I you can't know that until you're a mother. I know, you have no concept of of it. And so I remember being pregnant with Connor, being terrified I would never love him as much as I loved Michael. Yeah. That I I there's no way, right? But I'm an only child. So I was You had all the love, yeah. Well right, right. No, but like in your eyes, he had all of your love. Right. How could I expand that? Yeah, and it and I'm like, okay, well, when I feel him kick, it'll happen. When I see him on the ultrasound, it'll happen. And it didn't until I saw him. Yeah. And I was like, and my I went, I get it. Okay, I get it. Like, but did you see that video I sent you on TikTok? Or no, not today. The Matrosense one? Yeah, I saw that. Okay. So Matrosense is like another version of puberty that women go through when they become mothers. It's called mattress.

SPEAKER_04 1:05:18

Between mother and crone.

SPEAKER_03 1:05:19

Yeah. So every time you have a child, your body takes like two years to go through another hormone change. Like they call it like postpartum and stuff, but your brain is literally rewiring itself to this other, this

Matrescence Postpartum And Holding Space

SPEAKER_03 1:05:34

new child, this new life coming in. But it's like a secondary or third or fourth, depending on how many kids you have, puberties for the woman's body and mind. Mainly the mind, I want to say, and like the hormones changing to accommodate all of these things. Right. The expansion of the the expansion of just from one child to multiple, yeah. And what and what that soul's purpose is.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:58

Like I mean, you say it took you Until you saw him in the physical.

SPEAKER_04 1:06:01

It took me like four months after Enzo was born to feel like connected and like because it was it brought up ancestral violation wounds, and I had to I had to fucking work through all that shit. It was the hardest four or five months of my life. Especially this shame cycle that comes with like, why don't I feel connected to this child right now?

SPEAKER_02 1:06:21

That's my child, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:06:22

Like I'm nourishing you with my body.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:24

I'm like, but I was just like, it was ancestral wounding.

SPEAKER_04 1:06:29

The way he came in was so violating because I did not, except I did, I know I did.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:35

Right.

SPEAKER_04 1:06:35

I did not consciously consent to another child so soon. Right.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:41

And it was fucking hard. But it happens. It happened. I love that little boy.

SPEAKER_03 1:06:46

I know he's so fucking cute. Well, and it's that I I did that with Connor, even of when I saw him, yes, but I faced Mark's mortality because he had already gone through a round of chemo. And so, like the first year of Connor's life, I my depression was horrid. I mean, I could not get off the couch. And maybe from like six months on, he was in a playpen. And the guilt and the shame of it's like, what the fuck? Yeah. What the fuck? And I had zero community. None. And but usually people, I don't feel this now, but there's a stigma that comes along with it. And so when you share that with people, they don't know how to hold the discomfort and just let you be and be like, okay, are we gonna lay in bed today and watch Netflix? Let's do it. I'm gonna cuddle next to you, you know? Or we don't have to talk. Yep. I'm here. Yeah. You know, and that's foreign.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:07:48

And because we want to fix, we don't want people to hurt. And it's like, okay, well, you just invalidated fucking everything.

SPEAKER_04 1:07:55

It's uncomfortable to sit in other people's shit. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:07:58

It's uncomfortable to sit in your own. Like, yeah. I blew up that Andrew because he was trying to fix me when I was having like an outburst. And I was like, just let me have a freakout and just be there and like watch it. Yeah. Like just witness it. And don't turn it into something that's yours all of a sudden, like that. It's your problem. No, this is my problem. I just need you to witness it. And like hold the phone. Found the container.

SPEAKER_04 1:08:24

Right. It's like you're the toddler. It it reminded me of like when I'm holding Roman and Enzo and they're tantruming, and I'm just like, I'm the space. I'm the space. Right. The safe space. I'm the space. I'm like holding you.

SPEAKER_03 1:08:33

Like, we need that. Fucking hold me while I thrash. Yeah. Absolutely. And after I like yelled at him, he was like, I get it. Okay. I will. I was like, okay, thanks. Yeah. Yeah. Because when he takes it and internalizes it to something he that pisses me off. His problem is, then I have to put my shit on the back border to help regulate him. And I'm like, no, I need to be dysregulated for a minute. And like you just hold it. But it's like that awareness because there isn't a lot of people that I've met that have that awareness because I can look at you and say, I'm fucking messy right now. Like, yeah. But if somebody every time you've ever said that to me, you're not, though. Internally. See, I'm an internalizer. And it's like you're like, ah, like I keep that shit on lockdown. Like, I'm not letting anyone else see my crazy, but trust, it's going on in there. And it, but it's when they internalize it, I'm like, motherfucker, this is not about you. I'm I'm having a moment. Just either give me some space or leave. Or yeah, like I'm not managing your shit too. Even with my kids, I'm like, what do you need? What do you need right now? How can I help? And if they're like, I'm like, okay. And it's hard because I'm like, you do want to fix it. Yeah. Especially as a mother. Right. You don't have to carry this alone. Like, I'm here. But yeah. I'm guilty of it. But fuck, fall apart. I'm good. Like, it was fun. And it was nice just to get that out and be like, okay. Now he knows. Now he saw you're crazy. Now he he can ask. Like, do you need a solution or do you need me to just be here? You know what I mean? Like, yeah. Perfect. That's thank you. Thank you. Yeah. Mark taught me that. He'd say, Do you want a brick wall? Or do you want? And I was like, Who the fuck are you? Like, I'd never heard anything like that. And he goes, As men, we want to fix. So if you just want to vent, tell me. Let me know. So I'm not trying to figure out in my head how to fix this. And so I use that now. Do you need a wall or are you looking for input? Like that statement alone. Well, and it also brings the person in question who's having the outbreaks or whatever. Like to really reflect like, what do I need? Right. Instead of just taking what's offered. Right. Because sometimes what's offered is not what we need. Right. But they know no different. Because they've not been asked. Right.

SPEAKER_00 1:11:09

Yeah. It's crazy.

SPEAKER_03 1:11:11

I always do that with my kids. Like, if they're, I'm like, what do you want me to do about it? Yeah. Or what do you want to do about it? What do you want to happen in this scenario?

SPEAKER_00 1:11:19

Yep.

SPEAKER_03 1:11:20

Like with Hazley and her friends. So Emily hasn't called me yet. And like, I'm just like, okay, do you want to use my phone? Like, do you like what do we what do you mean? Because I don't know what to do. Right. Well, it's I'll do that with Bella. And she's like, well, this person said this. And I said, call them. Talk to them. Ask them. Yeah. Don't take what somebody

Kid Drama And Real World Stakes

SPEAKER_03 1:11:40

else is saying or this person or go directly to it. Does she do it? Because Hazy doesn't have the confidence to do that. She's a confrontation, no questioning. Yes. Yeah. No, she doesn't. Yeah. I think it might just be an age thing. I think so. But giving them the permission now, like you can do that. Yeah. Once they have the confidence. And I'll openly tell Hazy, like, well, I don't like her very much for the way she treated you. Because I'm hoping that even though you're, you know, friendship is important at that age. Right. And for them to make those to learn from the bad ones. Yeah. And I'll be the first to say I learned a lot from all the bad ones in my life. And so, not that I want to like protect her from whatever she needs to learn, but I would love to protect her from that kind of heartache that I have. But is it inevitable?

SPEAKER_00 1:12:29

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 1:12:30

Like well, that's again, like when Mark died, I've told my boys, I said, as a mom, I I wanted to take every bit of your pain away.

SPEAKER_02 1:12:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:12:42

And yet I wouldn't. Because it's it had a hand in making you the men you are today. It's had its part. It's fucking hard and it's painful. I work really hard not to tell my kids whether I like someone that they're hanging out with or not. Unless there's an obvious like, that's little fucker, like no kind of thing. This is the shit I'm telling you. The drama is insane. And I was just like, well, that's not very kind because it's just your hair. Yeah. Like what is that? Kudos to you for well, and that's why I was like, this is like trivial, like stupid as shit. But it's life ending to them. Like for sure. It's their whole world. So intense, right? Yeah. Well, and to feel outcast for just a the choice you had in your haircut, you know. Like, mind you, it's short, very short. And like Does she like it? She loves it. There you go. And we all love it. And like it fits her. And but I was just like, kids are fucking. Kids are mean. Yep. They're really mean. I don't ever remember being mean like that. Like, but again, I internalize everything. I may have been thinking something. I was not the one that was gonna be like, well, you look like shit, or this. I'm like, okay, that's cool. Different. Yeah. Like, oh, no. They're mean. But it's not scary, huh? No. No. What the silence? No.

SPEAKER_02 1:14:21

No, it's just like scared. It's not scary at all. No.

SPEAKER_03 1:14:25

It's not.

SPEAKER_02 1:14:26

How are you guys feeling?

SPEAKER_03 1:14:27

I feel good.

SPEAKER_02 1:14:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:14:28

I feel good.

SPEAKER_02 1:14:29

I had an idea to end. Do you guys want to do the power of 369?

SPEAKER_03 1:14:36

Well, that would be awesome. I'm supposed to ask you a question also. Okay. When you did your deck, right? Did that come about after the ritual in the spot? Do you remember how long? No. I have no idea. Will you think on it? Yeah. Okay. See if you can remember.

SPEAKER_04 1:15:00

I'm sure I could pin it down. I would just have to like, I have to. It's weird how I think of time. I have to think of like pictures that were taken, and then I'll go into my gallery and

The Deck Calling And 369 Decree

SPEAKER_04 1:15:10

see what the dates were. Because I remember through the visuals.

SPEAKER_03 1:15:13

It was yeah. Yeah. And you were pregnant with Roman when you started. No. No. Not the rune part. It expanded. So it started before you were pregnant. Mm-hmm. Okay. So from the ritual to before pregnancy is when it started. I believe so.

SPEAKER_04 1:15:30

It started expanding into the planet and animal rides and the Norse god and goddesses.

SPEAKER_03 1:15:37

Well, then that will kind of narrow down. And you can also go, I don't know how you contacted them for the books. Uh did you get the books for the rune part or for the initial just learning about things?

SPEAKER_04 1:15:48

I got it for the stories because each card has a story attached to it along with the messages.

unknown 1:15:56

Cool.

SPEAKER_03 1:15:57

Yeah. So I'm not going to tell you why, what the significance is because I don't want to influence it one way or the other. That's fine. But yeah, it was cool.

SPEAKER_04 1:16:05

So we I first half finished when I was pregnant with Roman, second half finished when I was pregnant with Enzo. And then I went through and edited all of it when one of our close friends in the coven was birthing her, was laboring and birthing her child, and it was complete by the time that little baby witch was born.

SPEAKER_02 1:16:25

That's awesome. So three little babies. Yep.

SPEAKER_03 1:16:31

It's fun. I'm excited. I am too. Feels right now. It's been done for a while. Is the art done on it?

unknown 1:16:39

Oh, it's fucking awesome.

SPEAKER_04 1:16:40

It's been done for months. I just have been sitting on it. And I've told her this before.

SPEAKER_03 1:16:45

I'm like, I don't know why I just can't move.

SPEAKER_02 1:16:47

Like, I don't know what to do with it now. Right.

SPEAKER_03 1:16:50

Well, and I was told her, I was like, well, it's like a new, a new thing now. You you did the creation process. Now the publishing is a whole other animal of you don't know what to do, so you're not doing anything. Right. But once you start researching, it just kind of starts flowing. You'll find the right people, the right things, and it will just when it finds that right person, it will flow. Yep. I think. It's work though. Yeah. It is work. Every creation is work, but it's so worth it. Yeah. So now that it's complete, how do you feel? Feels good. Feels like Does it feel complete?

SPEAKER_04 1:17:27

It feels like um so me and Tyler did uh that spiritual entrepreneurship um business stuff, and we went into our own personal Akashic Records and called on our sole clients, and there were millions of fucking people surrounding me. Millions of fucking people. Were they having to do with Sacred Sisters? No. But that image keeps coming to my mind. Every time I start to um transfer images to a PDF file to get things like that's what comes to mind. There are millions of people waiting for this fucking deck. That is awesome. Millions. And I'm like, that's them. That's what that's what I was tapping into. It was just it was misaligned at the time. You know, I thought I was calling in soul clients for, you know, my sessions. Right. It was for this.

SPEAKER_03 1:18:13

That's cool. That is really cool.

SPEAKER_04 1:18:15

I just sent you both the 369. Although I accidentally added two of I accidentally clicked a W at the end so it so it says so mod it boo.

SPEAKER_02 1:18:26

Boo. Boo. Do you want to light the candle? Do you have a liner?

SPEAKER_03 1:18:34

No. Do you have a liner? I do not. Well, that's fine. Actually, I do. Mine's in my room. Can we go grab it?

SPEAKER_04 1:18:47

I feel like this is even more um aligned from when we first started doing this. When did we start doing this ritual?

SPEAKER_03 1:18:57

It was in COVID? Yeah. COVID. Yeah. Wasn't it?

SPEAKER_00 1:19:00

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_03 1:19:01

Um, I have it actually saved in my notes with the date so I could. Every single week we would do this. Or was it every month? I think we were meeting once a month. I think it was once a month. Do we want to each do one or we need to just do it? It's September 5th, 2021. So it was after COVID.

unknown 1:19:23

September 5th.

SPEAKER_03 1:19:25

Wow. I still have my candle. The burning candle. You guys ready? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. By the power of 369. By the power of 963, the portal of consciousness is free. 369, we release these confines. 963, all of humanity is free. Free from illusion, free from enslavement, free from separation. 369, divinity is now realized. 963, all is rooted like the balsetry. We choose the highest timelines for thee. 369, we consciously choose to redesign, realign, connect to the divine, purge, cleanse, heal, shift. 963. This is our decree. We see it is guaranteed. 369. We're sovereign. We are free. We are sacred. We are divine. So long at it be. Someone at Bew. Boo. Alright, guys, thank you guys for joining us. It's beautiful. Yeah, thanks for coming. Yeah. Thank you. I've missed your face. I have missed you. I miss my book too. I literally, before I walked out, I was like, do not forget it. Don't forget it. Don't forget it. Every time I have something, I'm like, I don't have my book. I will run home and get it and bring it back. Okay. Okay. All right. Say your goodbyes.

SPEAKER_02 1:21:06

All right. Bye. Bye bye.

SPEAKER_03 1:21:10

Bye.