The School Years

Most mothers think starting school means finally catching a break. I thought the same thing. I was wrong.

When my son started school, I wasn't prepared for any of it — the gut-punch of goodbye at the school gate, the mental load that somehow got heavier, or the quiet anxiety that crept in when I compared his milestones to every other kid in the yard.

Nobody talks about that part.

In this episode I'm getting honest about what the school years actually did to me — and what I had to learn the hard way about showing up for my kids without completely losing myself in the process.

We get into:

• Why the transition hits harder emotionally than you expect
• How comparison and milestone anxiety can quietly wreck your confidence
• Real, simple ways to cut the mental load before it cuts you
• What it actually looks like to parent with patience when you're running on empty

This isn't a highlight reel. It's the stuff I wish someone had told me before we ever set foot in that school playground.

Hit play if you're in it — or about to be.

🎙️ Because perfect parenting isn't the goal. Showing up real is.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:01

Welcome back to the mothering program project. I am joined with Fanula Wiley again. And we are now on pod three, and we are recording one today about the school years. And basically, this is all around for me the biggest transition I think I found in motherhood. And Fanula is gonna turn the cat the mic on me and interview me today. Obviously, we both riff and we talk about different reflections. And hello Fanula.

SPEAKER_02 0:33

Hello, it's great to be back again. Um this is a really interesting one for me, and I'm so excited to hear your reflections on this season of motherhood. Again, one that I haven't entered yet. So I know that this will be of interest to so many people, whether you're about to enter this season or maybe you're in the thick of it right now. And something that I would love to start with is when I think about the transition into school years, obviously you don't have as much time with your kids and it looks entirely different than those early years of life. So I'm always curious to know whether it feels easier in any way or if it brings just a new set of challenges.

SPEAKER_01 1:18

Well, it's a good one to start off with. I think it brings, I think in my mind I thought it was going to be easier because, you know, number one, you're not paying daycare fees, so you're like winning, like you've only got one child paying daycare fees. Um, them fees quickly get eaten up by Catholic schools over here as well. Um a little bit less, but you know, you obviously always place money other elsewhere. But besides that, I think um I thought it was going to be easier in ways that, you know, they were in there from nine to three, but then I forgot the fact that like it's such a short compact day. What do you like what do you do after school from three o'clock? So your days where you were picking them up at five, or you know, four thirty have you know slowly crept back to three. Then you had of the logistics of two drop-offs. Um, so you don't just, you know, drop them all off and then get into the car and go get your coffee. Like there's there's the emotional toil of, you know, if there's everyone having a bad morning. I think the biggest surprise for me was the actual emotions that came with it all. Um I think I've talked to you about it, Fanila, but like in the very initial stages of Ushin going to school had yeah, he just had a difficult time adjusting because he was used to just going to like his previous daycare. Um they babied them a lot in there, and then all of a sudden they're like, you know, into school, they have to go to the toilet by themselves. They all look the same on the yard, so they can't find their friends out at um school day breaks and stuff. Um that was hard. And I think as well, it's just you have to be there more emotionally for them when they start in the school years. I probably didn't prepare myself for that um so much. And nobody really, I think maybe they just had an easier time. But yeah, I was the last mom standing on the yard while Oshin was crying and being carried in by the by the principal. Um so I often used to walk away with my sunglasses on and tears rolling down my eyes, which I was quite grateful that the fact that I didn't have a f like an employee like an employer that I had to rock up to then, you know, one hour late because you know, he just didn't want me to leave in the initial times. But the really nice part of it, I think, on the flip side then was um I saw him after a couple of weeks really shining and really kind of getting his friend group, and he still has them lovely little friends, and I'm really grateful because I like his little friends' mothers, and we've caught up and we formed friendships because what I've realized is you have to make sure that you surround yourself that are with people that are going through that same phase. So I think we talked about it like even in the baby phase, and like it's so different if you've got a baby and someone has a one-year-old, because like you've forgotten about the the nine-month regression and the eight-month whatever. And with school, it's just for like yeah, it's just for that support. You know, there's times where three o'clock I normally collect dush in, but if I'm running late on a Monday, it's actually having that support from someone to go, okay, I'll text them and go, Look, can you stay with them for 10 minutes or can I go home with you? Or and the same goes for like I'll take a couple of the little boys and they'll come home here if you know their mom and dad have to work late. So it's just all that like it's different, like it's definitely a change in pace.

SPEAKER_02 4:54

I hear in what you're sharing that there's kind of a shift from that more physical dependence on you that there is in those very early years to more of the becoming of their own little person and the emotions that come with that and all of the changes that are coming with them entering a whole new phase of their life and the support that you are then giving them in a whole new way. And um so great to hear you share that um that was something that you really learned in real time that was something that you needed to learn to do too was how to be there for them emotionally. Maybe not great for you personally, but great for listeners that that's something to like know that could be coming ahead if you um haven't entered this season yet because it's not something that I have heard a whole lot of people talk about either. So thank you so much for sharing that.

SPEAKER_01 5:42

Yeah, I don't think anyone does in terms, and you know what, some people I see the kids and they've sail in um and there's no issues. And you know, I always say I've probably learned a lesson with Ushin. I left him in the same daycare for four like four years, and I feel like with Maggie, I'm just gonna break it up and take her into a preschool next year. So there's a bit of a change and a bit of a shift. Because otherwise they just get so used to like having the same kind of routine and not really being experiencing or not really experiencing, sorry, other yeah, carers and other people and other like different surroundings. So yeah.

SPEAKER_02 6:18

Beautiful. Something that can come up, I think, in all seasons of motherhood is comparison. So we know that in the early days it can be your baby's doing this and mine isn't, and the fears that can come with that or the worries that can come with that. When a child goes to school, I imagine that that can amplify in some way because you are now kind of like being measured in terms of milestones, and there's actually like deliverables in school or things that kids are experiencing that they have to mate in some way. Have you noticed that that comparison getting louder in any way, or what has that looked like in in this particular season?

SPEAKER_01 6:59

It gets really loud, I think, when they first start in kindergarten. When Ush was um in school, his reading was like he wasn't great at reading. Like he just wasn't picking up words and sounds, and I was getting really concerned, and we were worried, and there was all these extra meetings. Um one day his teacher said to me, I think you should probably get his eyes tested because I feel like um one of his eyes kind of it gets really lazy when he's really tired. And I'd noticed it a few times, and um I'd said it to own like my husband, and he was like, No, I don't notice anything. And I kind of brushed it off. But when I took him, he was actually like half like he needed full prescription in his left eye. So around that time I remember going, you know, there was one kid that can pick up a book and he read like, you know, a whole book to us one day at Book Week, and I was like, Oh my god, like Ocean is so behind, like what have we done wrong? Did we not read enough books with him? And like we read books too many books every night since they were babies, gone to sleep. I was like, what did we do wrong? Is there something we could have done? But then actually it was just he just needed extra help. And now, you know, I was so proud of him yesterday, he stood up in an assembly and he read like so beautifully, like, you know, Oshin's like a natural, like athletic person. But yeah, like not everyone is good at everything. Like, I'll say, I'll walk him over to school because I try and get the energy out of him and expend his energy before he gets there, because he's like got heaps of it. He's uh uh wake up at like five, five thirty in the morning and you know he's up for the day, and I'll walk him home from nighttime. Um and I'll walk him home in the evening when I can. But in when you go into the school, then they say no, there's no running in the morning. Um, and I'm like, what do you mean? I literally like run him over here like and let him do laps around the field. Um and again, I think it's all about like for me, I think when Ushin started, there was a lovely friend of mine, Sarah, that put me onto this Maggie Dent, and she talks about raising boys, and I have her audiobook, and I've recommended her to everyone I know. She's just like, you know, everyone is putting these like labels on kids, but you know what, they're in such an unnatural kind of like surrounding for them, especially boys, and like they just want to go out and like get roughed up and like throw each other around the place, and like, you know, they like the rough and tumble, and like they're left sitting in a classroom and they're you know, they're getting distracted, like it's just life now. Um, so I'm so glad I read her. It's just all about educating, I suppose, yourself in terms of different ways, like of of what way you can look at it, because I don't know about you, but I feel like a lot of people are just putting labels very early on on things, and I'm uh conscious of the fact that like you have to keep an eye on it, and it's really good to catch it early, but like also give them a little bit of grace as well. Like they're like five and six years of age and they're just getting ready to get used to sit down and being sitting down and being told what to do all day every day.

SPEAKER_00 9:59

So yes, it's uh interesting the comparison.

SPEAKER_02 10:06

Do you have any ways that you stay grounded in your own family values amidst all of that noise and pressure?

SPEAKER_00 10:16

Do you know what it is?

SPEAKER_01 10:17

It's just checking in really with yourself and us as a family, and just going, you know what? It's it's really what like your nervous system is what feeds into their nervous system, and like it's just unbelievable to see how grounded, if you can be grounded and you can be calm, and as hard as it is sometimes, believe me, I had one of those mornings with Maggie last yesterday again. Um they just feed off of your energy, I think. And in terms then of like our practices and stuff, it's just talking about feelings. Like we literally read like all about emotions and feelings with Oshin and Maggie and just really try and ground into the values, I suppose, of like be kind, be empathetic, and be someone that's really Yeah, that includes everyone, like have has an inclusive kind of mindset as well from the get-go. Yeah, it's difficult. But like I mean, the school has lovely values, and that's the one thing I do love about you know the Catholic schools, they've got lovely values that they you know try and instill in all the kids and then just carry it on carrying it on at home is nice as well.

SPEAKER_02 11:31

Beautiful. Um yeah, I love what you shared there about how your values kind of guide your kids amidst all of that and being grounded in that and so true about our nervous system and how susceptible our kids' energies are to where we're at and keeping uh an eye on that without it becoming something that is so pressurized that you have to be, you know, on top form at all times because of course that's just not reality. But it's great when we can witness that perhaps our emotions and our feelings are part of what's happening for our kids too. Something that we all also know about this season of being a kid is that there is more independence, so they're less reliant on us. I know we've kind of touched on that in terms of like physically being reliant on us in a in a different way, and also even with time and things like that, like all of that is starting to change. Has there been any parts of that that have felt challenging in any way? How has that kind of shift of independence looked and felt for you?

SPEAKER_01 12:35

Yeah, the independence piece is you know, you want them to become independent, right? Like you I look at Oshin now and I'm like, I can't believe that you're this age. In terms of physical dependence, it's funny because I feel like he needs me more now than he ever did. But like it's in it's behind closed doors, and it's like, you know, he said to me one day, look, is it okay if we don't do a kiss in the yard anymore? We can do it before we get to the school gates, but I was like, okay, no problem. Because he's got there, I don't know if it's just young or they're all starting really early, but like they all have the girl crush now, or like as in girls have crushes on him. I don't think Gashin has any crush on a girl yet, so hopefully. But yeah, he said to me, Oh, look, is it okay if we don't do the you know, the whole kissing in the yard? Like, I still want to hug you and kiss you, Mom, but like not in the yard. And I'm like, Okay, yeah, no problem. So I think in that way, like he then still will say to me, Mom, can you read a book? Or if I'm reading Maggie's book, he's like, Can you come and lie with me? And he'll always talk to you if he's like, if if he's got some things on his mind and he'll confide in you. So I think their independence I don't know if Oshin will ever hopefully be very fully independent. Like he's such a mommy's boy, but like I think in terms of like the difference I suppose that I see with Oshin is like he would still let me get dressed, let let me dress him in the morning if I would. Whereas Maggie is like up and she wants to do everything herself and that's it. Like she'd nearly dress Ushin for me if she could get a chance, because she likes being the boss. Um, so there's such a difference, I suppose, in them two in the male and the female, and especially maybe not male and female, but just my two kids are chalk and cheese. So yeah, there is, I suppose, that bit of separation and that bit of like independence. Like, you know, he goes off over to his friend's house sometimes over school holidays, and you know, they're my good friends, and their kids will come here, or their kids, sorry, will come here sometimes. And he just, yeah, bye mom. Doesn't want to know me, loves going over, and because he just feels so happy and and secure, I suppose, and and safe over there. And that's always hard because you're like, oh my god, he's there and he doesn't even give a shit whether I'm leaving or not. And he's like, Yeah, why are you here now? Why are you collecting me? But you know, also he's kind of finding its form in his own little friendship group and his his um personality, which is lovely to watch too.

SPEAKER_02 15:00

It is such a testament to how you have parented that he is finding the language to communicate his feelings and what he wants and where he's at, and knowing that you'll be a safe space for his independence. Like that is so beautiful that he knows how to share those things with you, and I think that that is um a testament to what you shared earlier about teaching him about his emotions and how he feels and having his own sense of self, um, which of course is so important for them. And I hear you on the challenges of being a m a mum with that. Like it got me right in the heart whenever you said about him saying that to you about being on the yard. I'm like, oh my god, if he ever stops wanting kisses, I'm gonna lose my life. But of course she is going to at some stage.

SPEAKER_01 15:48

I don't know. I think girls are a bit different. They will, they will, of course. But like again, you know, he lies up on top of me, he comes in in the morning time and he'll just come in, lie up on top of me. He's literally as tall as me now, nearly. He's getting so tall, and I'm like, this isn't gonna be able to be sustainable for so much longer because you're so big. But yeah, they'll do it behind closed doors. I think they just try and keep their bravado up in front of the friends. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 16:11

And last thing I'd love to touch on is the metal load. So we've spoken about this in the other seasons of life, or parenthood as well, and mothering. How does it change in this season of schoolage?

SPEAKER_01 16:26

It's literally another level, it's out of control. It's literally like I remember just getting hit with Compass app, and then you've got your daycare app, and then there's all these updates, and you get a once-a-week newsletter from both apps, and there's all the information you need to know around, like, you know, non-uniform day and Mufti days and all this stuff that's happening in the schools. So it's like this other level, and then it's the actual extracurricular activities. So, like, it's like the soccer and then the swimming, and then you're organizing all this, and you know, um, there's birthday parties, like Oshin's social life is much better than mine at the moment. Like, he's literally, and Maggie's starting to get them now as well. But like every week there's a birthday, and I'm like, I was even looking on the wall yesterday when I or the other day when I was in his classroom, and I'm like, oh god, we're coming up to the birthdays. Like, there's a couple of months where it's just back-to-back birthdays, which is lovely for them because they love socializing with each other outside, but it's getting the presents, it's you know, organizing the school uniforms when they change from summer to winter, it's all of that. Like you actually have to become a little bit more organized and just have the calendars out and make sure that everyone's on the same page. Like I've fucked up twice. Like I've literally just sent Owen to a birthday party, and the birthday party was over. I had it put into my calendar, they were just finishing the birthday when they turned up because I wrote it down wrong. And again, you can mess up, but for the most part, it's just organization. And I think I was listening to something the other day on the radio, and they were saying that like actually the administration around schools and like daycares is like another like half a full-time job because you know, you're always you have to go to, you know, after school events in terms of like parent-teacher meetings, or like there might be information nights, and then you're going to parent-teacher meetings, and then there's assemblies that you go to like on a Wednesday because you know they say a prayer and they want your their mom or their dad to be there. Um, so I think in this season I'm really grateful that I actually can pick and choose my hours and my days because um yeah, I've been able to go and I've been able to go to the sports days and not have to ask permission from anyone, you know, to take a morning off to go and see your child running around. Um and it's no disrespect to workplaces. I know they've got jobs to do, but it's just a really nice place to be, to go. Yeah, okay, I'll just block that out in my calendar and I'll just make up the time somewhere else. So it does increase, it gets different, but I will say you just get used to it. Like you just go, right, well, this is just another bit of a shift and a bit of a change, and you manage it somehow. I always add one into the groups now, so if it's a soccer group, I just add them in straight away because I'm like, I'm not relaying the information. You can read the same information as I'm reading. Like that's one of my tips is enroll the um the hobbies into it as well. And then they could share the load somewhat. But yeah. It's a lot. But you know what? Again, there's that group of moms where you'll get a message and it will be like, Do you remember it? Did you remember that you have to do whatever tomorrow for school? And I'm like, No, I didn't remember it, but we kind of all put them gentle reminders in gone, it's you know, it's winter uniform starting tomorrow. Oh yeah, shit, forgot about that. Perfect, thank you. So it's all that. Like you just have that support and that um yeah, the connection, and you get through it, everyone survives.

SPEAKER_02 19:55

I think that what you shared about, you know, the practical things of having calendars and having spots where all that information is held is a really great tip because I think that's what supports the actual mental load of all of the things that you know. And often as the mother, you're the only person that knows all of the things that are happening and the way your kid likes their sandwiches or whatever. And um, all of those things just like kind of live in your brain somewhere, and it's a lot to be the person who is constantly communicating all of those things day in and day out so that everybody is kind of like on board and knows what they need to know. And so having like a home for that where you're not constantly being bombarded with questions and um bringing everybody up to speed all of the time is is so helpful, and it's such a great tip as well to have your husband in the groups and have spots where it's not just always you holding all of that by yourself, because I've heard so many people talk about this how that can actually be like one of the most depleting things about motherhood is all of that mental low, not actually the other things that come along with the mental load, but just holding all of that and being the only person who does that. So I love the tips that you shared there.

SPEAKER_01 21:10

Yeah, and I think as well, like it's just being clear on your expectations with your partner as well. Like, you know, there's the drop-off, so it's like we have a nice rhythm now, but you know, I'll need a full day Thursday because I collect using on one day, so we do two days of just of aftercare. So we're quite lucky we only need to keep him there till five o'clock, um, two days a week, because I take Friday off with Maggie, and it's just worked for us really well, but like we've had to kind of find that rhythm, and everyone finds the rhythm. And I say that to all the moms that are starting, like you'll find it tough, I suppose, in the beginning in the juggle. But like if you w work together, then it will be easier. Like there will be a couple of trend weeks of transition that it will be hard, but then you just fall back into a different routine, and then everyone's quite comfortable with it. There'll be sick days where you're fighting over who's gonna take the day off, but like that's just natural, it's gonna happen either way, anyway.

SPEAKER_02 22:07

For sure. Um love that. I wanted to finish with one final question, which is what would you say to a mother enter in the school years who is perhaps feeling the pressure to get everything right in this season of motherhood?

SPEAKER_01 22:25

So I would just say chill, relax, because you're not gonna get everything right, you are gonna make mistakes. It's like anything in life, like you will be late one day picking your child up because you forgot that they're not in aftercare. Um, you know, they're safe there. You just call them like it's you can't prepare yourself for like no failures because actually the failures is what's gonna probably pivot you forward to like making more of a an effort to have like bet a better routine or a better system of keeping yourself um on track. Nobody is perfect over there. I think if you just try your best, form friendships early as well and try and find that like find your people, especially at that stage. Um and I would say as well for anyone start in school is foster relationships for your kids early. So take them on the little park dates in the first couple of weeks um of when they start school because they'll most likely find their connections outside of the schoolyard, and then they'll have their little people that they can that they can kind of rely on when they're in there. Um, you know, that was one tip that I would definitely give to people that worked for us. It works really nicely. Actually, Oshin formed friendships and then he was totally fine then when he was in there. So yeah, it's all about them.

SPEAKER_02 23:47

That's it for a short season of life, but so try.

unknown 23:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:52

It is. We're devoted to them now.

SPEAKER_02 23:54

Yeah, that's it. Tina, thank you so much for all of your beautiful shares. I know that this podcast is gonna be so helpful for someone who is in this particular season or about to enter this season of motherhood, and I just love that you have been so honest and shared some really incredible tips with the here listeners.

SPEAKER_01 24:14

Thank you, Fanula, and thanks for turning the mic on me. It's been always a pleasure being interviewed by you. So this will be the wrap-up of pod three, and what we're gonna be doing is we're moving on to pod four. So we'll speak to you on pod four, and we would love to hear your yeah, hear your views, and if you could like and share and subscribe and send it to a mom that you feel that it would be beneficial for them to have this in their ears, I would love that too.

SPEAKER_00 24:43

Thanks, Fanula. We'll talk to you next time. Thanks, Tina.