Relationships: Healthy Before Happy

In this episode of GROW180 Talks, we continue the conversation on relationships by exploring the first of the three H’s: healthy.

Many people want relationships that feel happy, peaceful, and fulfilling. But too often we try to build happiness on foundations that are not healthy. When boundaries are unclear, communication is avoided, or one person carries the emotional weight, relationships can become unhealthy.

Healthy relationships require honesty, respect, and the courage to address what isn’t working.

In this episode, we talk about:

• Why healthy must come before happy
• How people-pleasing and fear of conflict can create unhealthy dynamics
• The difference between grace and boundaries

If you’ve ever felt drained, responsible for everyone’s emotions, or afraid to speak honestly in a relationship, this conversation will challenge and encourage you.

Healthy relationships create the space where growth, joy, and partnership can flourish!

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome back to Grow 180 Talks. Hope you guys have had a good week. My week um was has been okay. Um I had a really good weekend. Um it was our 13th church anniversary, so it was a very busy weekend, but it was really, really good. Um so it's always good to fellowship and to celebrate what God is doing in our assembly. So I had a good weekend. Um last week was, you know, it was an interesting week. I'm sure some of you guys can relate, but I am excited to be at the top of a new week. Now we're into the second week of March, and um, you know what, forgetting what's behind and moving forward, I'm feeling good. Um, you know, sometimes you have to just help yourself to refocus, right? When if I focus on what um happened that was negative last week, then that you know, those things can kind of shape what your week is gonna look like this week. But I feel good, you know what I mean, and I feel clear in my thoughts, and so yeah, let's get to it. I'm also super excited about season two. Um, if you listened to the episode last week, I'll let you know that we were gonna be talking about relationships this season because we're building a foundation, right? Uh, season one was about clarity in your identity and uh what God has called you to do and overcoming fear and obstacles and all of those things that can hinder our growth and walking in the fullness of who we are, and wrapped around that is you know, we have a multitude of relationships, right? You may be a mother or father. There are, I do have some male listeners, you may, you know, have siblings, um, you have relationships at work, you may be a wife or a husband, you may be um just dating someone. Um, there's all types of relationships, friendships, business relationships, all those things. So they also, you know, is just so prevalent in our life. God created us to have a relationship, right? In the beginning, he created Adam, and you know, within a short period of time, Eve, even with the animals, they have relationships all from God's plan, right? And so relationships are a key part of our everyday life, and so I thought it would be good for us to um kind of tackle a little bit of this. And so I talked to you last week about the three H's healthy, happy, holy relationships. Healthy, happy, holy. So, what I want to talk about today is the first H, um, which is healthy. Because here's the truth: a lot of people are trying to build happy relationships on foundations that are not healthy, right? We all want to be happy, but we don't deal necessarily with the foundation of making sure that the relationship is first healthy before it can come become happy, right? It'll never work if we don't go and really invest and do the work in making sure our relationships are healthy relationships. I've seen this over and over again in friendships, family relationships, professional relationships, even, um, as well as in leadership. People want peace. We want peace. I want peace in my life. I know you want peace. We want connection, right? We all want to be happy. But underneath the surface of that, the relationship itself is unhealthy. And so, you know, what does that breed in us? Resentment. Unspoken resentment. We may never say it, but we resent the person in that relationship. Um, the result of that also could be a lack of boundaries. Um, if you don't set healthy boundaries for what will work for you, then you know, there goes more problems, constantly people pleasing. Um, one person carrying all the emotional weight. I was watching a movie last night about a husband and a wife. It was a really good movie. It was entertaining. And um, you know, she kept going to her partner about what she needed in this phase of their life, her children. Their children were off to college now, so now you have the husband and the wife, and he was very emotionally um detached and not really hearing her needs, which she was doing a really good job. Of course, this was a movie communicating, but it did have a strong message, right? About her, she was carrying the emotional weight of trying to fix the marriage, and until she kind of stepped back to let him see, hey, you know, you're not hearing me and blah, blah, blah. So it it's true, right? I could relate to what I was hearing in multiple relationships that I've been to multiple types of relationships, right? Even uh it could be even on the job. And so we can keep hoping um that if we just love harder, try harder, pray harder, somehow it's gonna be gonna become happy. And I know that that resonates with people. I know that that that is true because you know, especially to my my female listeners, my my fellow women, we will pray through the woman of faith a relationship, hoping for the best, right? We will pray it through um, you know, even people that are not people of faith that I I know, um, just as women, we will stick it out, right? And just hoping that things are gonna change and suddenly, you know, this happiness is gonna come forth, and it doesn't. A lot of times it doesn't pan out because it's unhealthy, right? And so we have to deal with the root of building on a good and a solid foundation. Sometimes unhealthy relationships are very obvious, and sometimes it's more subtle. Let me give you a few examples, right? Um, here's one being afraid to speak honestly. You're afraid to say how you really feel because it's gonna rock the boat. That's not a healthy relationship, right? Um, walking on eggshells. So I'm not gonna say what I'm really feeling because then, you know, I have to deal with the fallout of being honest about how I feel. Or the the fallout could be a tantrum. Yes, adults have tantrums too. Um the fallout could be, you know, just somebody just going going off on you, clean off. They just turn it into an argument, escalate, you know, rather than hearing what you're saying and hearing your heart. Um constantly giving up rather than re constantly giving rather than receiving. So it's one-sided. That's unhealthy, right? I I'm a natural giver, right? And I'm I'm saying this hypothetically, a person is a natural giver, you know, you don't mind giving. You give, you give, you give, but at one point, at what point are you going to um acknowledge the fact that a relationship is supposed to be something that's um that has reciprocation? Now, it doesn't mean, you know, I give you an apple, you give me an apple back. It does mean, however, um, that there are times when I'm giving, and there are times when, whether I say it or not, um, I have a need, or there's times when I don't have a need, just out of you being a kind person, you should want to give back. Right? You should uh it's unhealthy to always be the person that's just receiving. Like, how are you okay with that if that's you and you never think of your friends and the fact that you know what, such and such always cover me when we go out to dinner. Just an example. You know, that person always covered me, they always got my back. Maybe they have a little bit more money than you, maybe they got a whole, whole lot of money. Doesn't mean, even if they don't really need it, that it's just showing kindness, it's showing respect for them as a friend in the relationship that sometimes you insist on getting it. Even if they say, no, I got it, I got it. No, you you should insist sometimes, you know, and if they they really just won't let you, there are other ways that you can show that, hey, I appreciate you too. You know, so it shouldn't be a constant you just receiving all the time, just as well as the person that's constantly giving. Because some of us will buy relationships, some of us will buy our friendships, buy our spouses, our romantic relationships, because you have the money, or um I know people that don't got the money, they're just gonna charge everything. That's unhealthy on a whole nother level, right? But where you you don't, and and let's get to the root of why sometimes people do that. Is it because you don't think enough of yourself that people will accept you when you're not just constantly giving? Now you shouldn't have to buy people's attention, buy their friendship, buy, you know, the only way this person can travel with you is if you cover everything. But you have to be confident. We have to be confident in ourselves that hold on, this is this is unhealthy. Yes, I love to treat. I will treat sometimes, not even whether the person has the money or not. The kind of friends I have, we drop in, and I'm not saying this in any boastful way, and I'm not saying we do this all the time because that's not true. I'm not, I don't want to make it, you know, exaggerate it. But there we will drop thousands on each other, right? If there's a need, or just to to um, just I just might want to get you a really good gift for your birthday this year. You know what I mean? Like we do that kind of stuff, but it's very much so mutual, right? It's mutual um uh affection or fondness for one another, it's not one-sided. So you have to ask yourself whether you're the person that's always giving or the person that's always receiving, and you just cool with that. Why am I like that? Grow 180 is about becoming the best version of ourselves that we are meant to be, and so growth is to challenge us when that seed has to break through the soil, it's going through and out of the shell first, out of the seed, the outer um surroundings of that seed has to break through that, then it has to go break through soil, and sometimes that soil can be dry and hard, and so that's very tough. And even if the soil has been watered properly, it's going through some muddy transition to come up above earth. So growth costs something, growth takes work, growth is not easy, so you have to even be willing to look at your own self, your own character, and say, for the person who's uh just give this just out, just give me, give me, give me, I'm just here to receive. I'm just here, and you okay with that? Why are you like that? Just as well as the person that's always giving. Are you trying to buy relationships? Because you shouldn't have to do that. You got to be confident in who you are as a person, and sometimes okay being alone. Another way that unhealth well, another way unhealthy unhealthy relationships can look is um silence because we don't want to deal with conflict. Oh my goodness, y'all. This is a big one. I know a lot of people that just do not want any type of conflict, and that's just not reality in life. You can have um sometimes you have to speak up, even if it means there's a fallout coming, even if it means this person's gonna want to argue. Listen, there's some people that I just I'm blocking you. If you cannot, we cannot respectfully disagree, and you gotta take it to a whole nother level, you're blocked. I mean, just period. I'm not taking no name calling, I'm not taking any form of abuse unless the Lord Himself tells me stay subject in a specific situation. I'm not because we can have uh we can have healthy disagreements and healthy conflict resolution. We don't have to get um um base, like get down to to the the base or the lowest part of our character to resolve conflict, and because some of us that's all we've seen, and we it's never been modeled for us what healthy conflict resolution looks like, then we avoid it at all costs. I'm trying to teach my daughters this even now as young women, and and uh my mom, when she was here with us, um she went on to be with the Lord, she would talk to my daughters in grade school about how to talk to you, you know, to a friend at school, I'll say a friend, if you know there was some type of conflict, or this friend is nice to you today, and then when this other little kid comes around, they're mean to you. She was building confidence in them and teaching them the ability to speak up. It doesn't matter if then for the next two weeks they're not gonna want to talk to you. It's not okay for people to mistreat you. Like we, I'm and I'm still teaching my daughters that, right? As as young now they're coming into womanhood, young women, about healthy relationships because when they get married, you know, that's a whole different dynamic. There are things that God calls us to do as wives and all of those things, but then God also sets boundaries in how that wife should be treated, right? And gives very clear instructions on how the wife is to treat her husband and vice versa, how he's to treat his wife. And so these things need to be taught. I love one of the things that my pastor teaches about love and relationships. God calls us into relationship with him, right? But I love something that the pastor brought out. He's and he, you know, he says it's like you basically you we need to take um Jesus' lead. Because Jesus said, if you love me, you will keep my commandments. In other words, Jesus was very clear on how he wanted to be loved. So it wasn't, it wasn't, and you were in a relationship together, Jesus said we in covenant, then you're gonna follow me. You know, another one, take up your cross and follow me, deny yourself, right? He Jesus was articulated what love and relationship looked like with his followers. He didn't just assume we would know. And he certainly, but very boldly articulated what he wanted. We should take lessons from that. He, in other words, he's not just gonna settle for how what we say. Now, we say all kind of stuff in the world. We love God, but we don't follow him, we don't obey him, we don't deny our flesh. Jesus is saying that's real good lip service, but you're not in a relationship with me. And matter of fact, depart from me, you work of iniquity. I never knew you. The scripture says that, right? You had works, but you didn't know me. Relationships um um infer knowledge of one another, right? Um, so Jesus models that for us, and he tells us, you in other words, speak up. You have to speak up and you have to set boundaries. He set a boundary. If you love me, you're gonna keep my commandments. That's a boundary. If you're my follower, you're gonna be my disciple. You gotta deny yourself, take up your cross daily, and follow me. I was dealing with a situation as I kind of alluded to in the beginning last work, I mean last week, um, a situation. I had all in my head how I was gonna handle it. I mean, just this whole narrative of what I'm gonna do. I love God. I'm so grateful that He is the head of my life. He spoke to me in the middle of the night. And that's not I'm not saying that it's because it's no, literally in the middle of the night. And let me know that he has it under control. This wasn't my battle to fight. So, in other words, just stand still, hold your peace. So there are times when we need to hold our peace, but there are times when we have to speak up, and yes, that could result in conflict, and healthy means that we're gonna work towards if it's a relationship worth worth fighting for, um, uh conflict resolution in a healthy way. All right. So being scared to speak up is that's not that's not a healthy relationship. If if you really are or afraid and tormented in your mind, and well, I know what they're gonna say, not healthy. Here's another one disrespect disguised as humor. People be thinking they so slick. Well, disrespect you and wrap it in in humor. Well, some stuff, some things are not funny. That's not that's not if I'm if I'm always the butt of your joke, this ain't no healthy relationship, right? Yes, I can take a joke. Yes, laughter is good for the soul. Yes, we might pick, you know, at each other back and forth and tease each other, you know, within reason. But if you are always the the person's joke, whenever when other people come around, they gotta throw off on you. That's not healthy. It's very immature, but it's also unhealthy. And then if you feel like, well, I don't want to say nothing because then they're gonna get offended and they're gonna say, I was just playing. You know what? You have to let them know the tricks is for kids. This is this is Nietzsche talking, you know. I gotta tell y'all my language. Tricks is for kids. I don't play them kind of games, right? Like, don't try to embarrass me when other people come around. That's an unhealthy relationship. Unhealthy, y'all. So if we cannot be honest in our relationships, then that relationship overall is not healthy. I should be able to come to you and say, I don't like when you do that. And even if you're not as direct as I am, because I am a very direct person, I'm learning to season my words with grace. God, I've come a long, long, long, long way. Any of my old friends would tell you, no, she has changed. Like God has really helped me, and to God be the glory, right? I don't say everything that comes to my mind anymore, and I'm still a very direct person. Um, that's how he's made me, which also is why I'm a preacher, I'm a teacher, I'm, you know, what all the things that ways that he uses me, right? So you don't necessarily have to say it the way I would say it necessarily. You may say, you know what? Hey, you know when it happened the other day, that really made me uncomfortable. Or that didn't sit well with me. And I'm just saying there's ways that you can address these things versus you always gotta be the one that eat the humble pie, if you will. Never say nothing because you don't want to rock the boat. That's unhealthy. And then the person's never gonna respect you unless you set boundaries, unless you speak up for yourself, just like Jesus did. He set the boundary, he was very clear and articulated. Our words mean a lot, y'all. You have to say what is okay and what's not okay. You can't assume that the person knows, or because instead of saying it, you get you get um mad or you disconnect and we want them to read our mind. No, no, we have to learn how to communicate in relationships. More often than not, we see women, you know, in these patterns, and it's not because we're weak, but a lot a lot of times it, you know, we're compassionate, we're nurturers, we want peace, we want connection, so we will tolerate a whole lot more. But don't confuse that for grace, grace has limits. Even the scripture says, Shall sin continue that grace may abound, God forbid. His grace is only goes to go so far. Now he doesn't let you know when the grace is gonna run, I mean, he may let you know when the grace is gonna run out because God deals with each of us individually, right? But he's only gonna tolerate our foolishness for so long. This is a model for how we are to treat one another. Yes, you forgive them if they apologize or what have you, or yes, you, you know, every battle ain't worth, you know, fighting, right? Some things you let go, you move on. But if you're seeing a pattern that does not work for you, or not uh fit into your life and who you are and how you want to be treated, or is even abusive. That's not grace. You have to say something. We don't take our grace and then just abandon wisdom. You have to have wisdom, and we have to have enough love and respect for ourselves, and please teach your children this to speak up. There's a time to speak up. Should should we walk around with a chip on our shoulder and can't nobody say boo to you without you getting mad and you overreact to everything? No, that's not what this is saying either. Because people would take the boundaries thing, for example. We know the world we live in. And they we just go all the way off the deep end with stuff. Like the whole viral thing that was going around about um in a relationship or you're dating someone, don't take me to what was it, Cheesecake Factory? Like people just stop. Like this foolishness. Foolishness. That's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about grown women stuff, mature stuff, modeling good character and good behavior and self-love. Because if you can't love yourself, how you gonna love your neighbor, neighbor, and other people? Modeling what the what God modeled for us, he had boundaries and he articulated those well. And he also spoke up when it was something he didn't like. He called an ace of ace. You a viper, you a liar, and your your father is the father of lies. Like we have to learn how to communicate, y'all. Loving people does not mean I have to lose myself. Become selfless, yes. That is not always only about me, especially in uh romantic relationships between a man and a woman, husband and wife. There is selflessness as we are growing, right? It can't be all about me. I have to learn how to compromise. This is also things that make a healthy relationship. There has to be compromise. It can't just be one-sided, right? That that both parties are willing to come together when they disagree on something and has a, as I talked about, healthy conflict resolution, but learning to compromise. Like I said, every battle is not worth fighting. You know, we we will take a hill and make it into a mountain. Was it really that deep and that big, you know? So you have to ask yourself those things as you are setting boundaries, as you are picking the things that know, you know what, this is really important to me, and we need to talk about it, right? But balancing that out with making sure that you're not being selfish and full of self. Because the world doesn't revolve around any one of us. Relationships are are reciprocals and meant to be reciprocated, and so it's not just about one person or the other person. I want to leave you with this: healthy relationships create space for the best version of you to exist. That's one way you can measure is this relationship a healthy relationship? Is it creating space for the best version of me to show up? And the best version of me showing up is room for me to grow, right? Um, that will include mutual respect, honest, open communication. I can communicate if it's something that I'm having an issue with. Boundaries without feeling guilty. You don't make me feel guilty because it's I've set a boundary for myself. I know what my limitations are, I know what's going to work for me. Accountability, holding each other accountable in the friendship. In the see how that came out, friendship and all types of relationships because what I'm talking about today is not just romantic relationships by far. This is also friendships, it's absolutely work relationships, partnerships, as well as romantic relationships, parent and children relationships. It also should be an emotionally safe place. You know, when I when I think about emotional emotional safety, which I wanted to bring up, you know, the first thought is absolutely marriage, right? That one partner, both partners need to have an emotional safe place. But here's something that we don't talk a lot about. Is this also true in the workplace? People, you know, our coworkers, our direct reports, um, people that, you know, we lead still need to be able to have a voice respectfully, right? But it needs to be an emotional, safe place where they can come and say, hey, I'm having an issue with this, or, you know, yes, I know you my boss, but when you said this the other day, it really didn't, it rubbed me the wrong way. I was offended, you know, be able to talk, and vice versa. Our workplaces should not be abusive. And I know some of y'all can relate to that. Um, I certainly can. I've been in workplaces where it's just toxic. Now that's not the case with my current workplace. There we have issues with the people, it's nothing, it's not perfect, but I wouldn't say it's toxic. But I have dealt with toxic workplaces before. That's not okay. You need to have emotional safety at work. And also, like I said, mutual growth. There should be a place where I can grow. So healthy relationships should create the space for the best version of you to exist. So if you're growing, to be able to tell that person, you know what I did, I messed up. You know what? I'm gonna stop. When I get around, when I get around other people, I got all the jokes. But I know I realize that that makes you feel bad. And even though I'm just joking, it's not okay to every time such and such come around, I got something smart to say about you, and then we all fall out laughing. I I'm gonna, I'm, I'm, I gotta grow up in there. Like communicate that, right? And then if again, if that's a person that loves you and respects you, they're gonna say, okay, you know, I'm gonna need you to get it together, but I'm I'm gonna give you time to get it together. So healthy relationships to support our growth, it shouldn't suffocate it. Here's another example, like say you want to go back to school, and your partner, you know, your husband or your wife doesn't support that. Now, sometimes there's a time and a season, you know, y'all come together and maybe it's not the season for it, but the person shouldn't suffocate your desire to grow. It's not healthy. So you gotta be able to talk about that. Like, what is it in you that doesn't want me to grow? Because sometimes it's an insecurity in that person, and they need to deal with that and not make a bunch of excuses about why you shouldn't do it. Because sometimes those are bona fide good reasons. Like I said, it might not be the season for it, maybe y'all don't have the finances, whatever. Y'all don't want to add no more debt, fine. But if none of those are really the factor in you just why you need to go back to school, like, or do you really need to do that? Well, what are you trying to prove? Man, but you know what? I I just I just I just don't understand it. I just think that you need to just go and A B, but it's your desire. What's wrong? Why why support me? Don't suffocate and stifle my growth, all right. So the hardest part here is choosing healthy relationships. It takes courage, it also takes work, right? So, and and the reason why I say choosing healthy relationships requires courage is because the opposite of that means some of these relationships I have to step back from. It takes courage to do that, to say, you know what, this is no longer healthy for me. I've been working at it for a year, five years, ten years. Um, I'm not talking about divorce in in in most cases when I'm having when I'm when I'm talking about this piece here. That is a whole another podcast and series and things that you have to go through before you know that you know, that you know, that you know that that's what you need to do. So make sure that you don't misapply what I'm saying. Um But some you know I can give more easy examples or straightforward when it comes to relate friendships, right? You've been working at that thing with that friend for a year, two years, and y'all just going around in circles. That person's never for you. They always taking, they never giving, they disrespect you. Every time you say something positive in your life, they got something negative to say. Are you sure? You get something, they gotta compete with you. That stuff, and y'all you've been talking about it, dealing with it. Sometimes you need to take, we have to take a step back. Like, this is not healthy for me. This is not mature, this is not growth, right? We should be in relationships, each other's biggest cheerleaders. I'm not in a competition with you, and you're not in a competition with me. We should support one another. Let's grow together. And if you're not, we're not growing at the same speed, I'm not growing as fast as you, and vice versa. Um, let's just respect where everybody's at. Right? And still celebrate each other, love each other, show up for each other. Everything is not a competition, that's not healthy. If we friends and I get a new car or a house, then all you're talking about when I come over, hey girl, I got a new car. Do you want to come out here and see my car? Yeah, I'm gonna go. It's all about you. Give me, let me have my moment. Let me have my moment, and then we're gonna get to you. You see what I'm saying? Like, that's you know, that's that where we have to be more selfless and check our spirits. Why am I like that? Every time my home my friend got something, I gotta go out and double it. Why why am I like that? What what is what are you trying to prove? What are you trying what we shouldn't one up, try to one up each other. That's not, no, it's unhealthy. It's unhealthy. So it takes courage to step back from people like that because you love them and they're your friends, but after so long, and you know, there's a variety of examples, you know, you have to make do make the best choice for you. When you can recognize it for what it is, you've addressed it, y'all have talked through it, you've tried to work through it. This person don't never think they're wrong, etc. etc. etc. You have to make some choices, and that takes courage because that might mean you ain't got nobody to hang out with for a minute. You know, or that person just very near and dear to your heart, but they keep harming you and never take responsibility for it. Sometimes you have to step back. One of the things though I want to leave with this is coming to my mind is but even in those situations, don't hold a grudge. If you have to step back from a relationship, you know, is a lot of this stuff hurts, right? All the different levels of relationships, they can hurt when you have to really step back and be like, this is just no longer right. This is not right, it's very unhealthy, right? I can't continue to do this. That hurts and it's hard. But what you don't want to become is bitter and hold a grudge. So you have to really do the hard work and ask God to help you and really, you know, invest some time in healing and forgiveness. Because two wrongs don't make a right. So I'm gonna leave you with this question. Just something for you to think about. Where in your life are you tolerating something that is unhealthy in a relationship? Is there a boundary you need to set? Is there a conversation you've been avoiding that you need to have? Healthy relationships don't they don't mean you have to be perfect, but they do require us to be honest. You have to be willing to have some conversations and talk through some things. And so, yeah, as we continue through this season of healthy, happy, holy relationships, healthy comes first. When the foundation is healthy, happiness has somewhere to grow from. But the foundation has got to be healthy, and you're gonna see happiness start to come out of that, right? So, on the next episode, we're gonna talk, be talking about happiness and what that really looks like. And so I'm excited. So I hope this has encouraged you today. Um, this has challenged me in a lot of ways as I think through these things um and making sure that I applied to my life, and I do. Um, but then you can always self-reflect and see areas where you need to tighten up, you know what I mean? And so um I just wanted to share that with y'all. Let's grow in our relationships, let's have healthy relationships, but it takes courage, it takes intentionality, it takes communication. And so after you've done all those things, you can walk away if that's what it results in, because the goal is always to keep those relationships, right? But if it results in you having to have walked away, then you know you did your due diligence, right? And you forgive them and move on with your life. And maybe you'll cross paths again later. Who knows? So I hope this has encouraged you, and you have some nuggets that you can take away and apply to your week and to your life, right? This is all about growing, ladies. Let's grow, and I will see you next week on Grow 180 Talks.