Relationships: Happiness Is a Choice, Not a Condition

In this episode of GROW180 Talks, we continue the conversation on relationships by exploring the second of the three H’s: happy.

Many people believe happiness comes from being in the “right” relationship or being around the “right” people. But the truth is, happiness is not something someone else is responsible for, it’s something we choose and cultivate within ourselves.

In this episode, we talk about:

• Why happiness is an internal responsibility
• How culture and social media distort what happiness looks like
• The danger of expecting others to “make you happy”
• How constant irritation and nitpicking can affect relationships
• Why healthy relationships are necessary to sustain happiness

We also explore the balance between personal responsibility and environment,  because while happiness starts within, unhealthy relationships can drain your joy over time.

Key reminder:

You are responsible for your happiness and also responsible for the environments you remain in.

If you’ve ever felt like your happiness depended on someone else, or found yourself drained in relationships, this episode will give you clarity and perspective.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome back to Growing 80 Talks. How are you today? I hope you are doing fantastic. I am doing well. Um, I don't have any complaints. God is good. Um, I'm feeling good, I'm healthy, I'm strong, um, I'm grateful. So I don't have any complaints. You know, I'm here and I want to talk to you about happiness. We're in the middle of our relationship series on the podcast. Um, and last week we talked about healthy relationships and what that looks like. What uh I spent a lot of time on what a healthy relationship is not, right? We talked about um well uh not communicating, being afraid to communicate, buying relationships and all the things that um make a relationship unhealthy, lack of mutual respect one for another, right? Well, this week I want to talk about, you know, we talked about the three H's, right? Um, healthy, happy, holy relationships. And so this week I'm talking about happy relationships, and happiness is a choice, it's not a condition, it is a choice, it's um our internal responsibility. I have to um want to be happy, I have to do the internal work to be happy and really take ownership of my happiness and um not give it over to um someone else, right? I own my own happiness. Repeat that. I own my own happiness. You own your own happiness, right? Now there's some things that you can do, which we're gonna talk about today, that um can seep away at your happiness, but you ultimately own your happiness, okay? So I just want to be very clear about that. Happiness is not something someone else is responsible for, it is your responsibility. So let me give you a definition: happiness is internal contentment, peace, and emotional steadiness that is not dependent on other people. Happiness is internal contentment, peace, and emotional steadiness that is not dependent on other people. So happiness is not just fun and laughter and um let's go hang out and have a good time. Those things, you know, um laughing is good for the soul, and those things make us happy, right? Um, or can add to our happiness. Um, but those things, in essence, is are not true happiness because those things are fleeting, they come, they go, right? Um, it's not based on how someone else behaves. How someone else behaves can alter your happiness, but true happiness is that internal work and choice that we make because I can remove myself from a situation of how someone else is behaving. Happiness is not constant excitement either, that's not reality, right? Um, excitement comes, it goes. We are emotional creatures. God created us this way, it brings balance to our life that we will have ups and downs, right? I'm not talking about bipolar, um, being bipolar and those types of uh mental extremities, but um our emotions are we have an array of emotions, right? So you're not gonna just have one consistent emotion your entire life, right? So um we can't rely on constant excitement and laughter and hanging out. You know, life has serious sides as well. Relationships have responsibilities and serious sides as well that need to be dealt with. Doesn't mean that I'm not happy though, right? So the happiness is that internal work. Culture says things like this, y'all. And and perhaps you've said it yourself, you know, to a person, you complete me. You know, when you meet that that significant other that, you know, you're very fond of, you're um in love with, or you're just infatuated with, you just you don't really know them, know them. Um we may say things like, this person really completes me. Um or we may even say to ourselves, um, I just want to be happy. I want to meet someone that makes me happy, and you know, yada yada yada. In other words, bringing someone else into my space is going to bring happiness. Um, another uh thing I want to talk about with culture is social media, social media. Social media presents this illusion of happiness, right? Um relationship goals, as we say, right? Hashtag goals. Um because they're they're you know cuddled up or they're uh laughing in every picture together. And this is not just a male and female relationships, but this is also girlfriends, you know, friendships. Um every every post, you know, they're just besties, and they never have a disagreement and they're traveling together and they have all this money and they're always happy, right? Um that's an illusion. That is not real life. It comes and it goes. Um can that be real and should that be real in our lives? Absolutely, but it is not going to be without work, it's not gonna be um without ups and downs, it's not gonna be without being very intentional, right? So, what I'm really trying to say is let's be realistic. No one can complete you but God, right? Um, can a person come into our life that balances us out? They have strengths that I'm weak in, and I have strengths that they're weak in, yes. So we can complete each other in a sense if we want to say it that way, because we both bring different things to the table. We have some things that we very much so have in common. Um, we're compatible, but we complete each other's strengths and weaknesses. Sure. But that's ultimately still not gonna make you happy because let me give you a practical example. What if say you're a spender, you just spend, spend, spend, you don't even think. But the other person is a person that's very frugal, that's very disciplined with their spend, um, that's thinking about saving and um the future and uh retirement, all those things, and making sure they're financially prepared. That is someone bringing balance to your weakness of spending, spin, spin, spin. You're not necessarily happy about that. You know what I mean? So a person can bring uh something to the table that you lack in what we might say this person completes me, does not mean you're gonna be happy. Because listen, I know a lot of people in the situation I just, you know, example I just gave that are very unhappy because they just want to do what they want to do. They don't want anybody telling them what to do with their money, they don't want anybody telling them what's best for them, they don't want anybody what they may deem is controlling them, so it doesn't mean that they're happy, right? So you can be in a relationship and still be miserable. Right? Having someone in our lives does not necessarily mean that we're gonna be happy. We have to get to a place where we're talking about internal happiness and cultivating that happiness within yourself, and that happiness is your choice of being okay, also being alone. Notice the first part of the definition I chose for us today was internal contentment. Being content no matter what state I'm in. Paul said it best in the scriptures, I believe in Philippians. I've learned to be a base and I've learned to be abound. And I he said, I can live with a lot, I can live with a little. I've learned in all things to be content. And so, where are you at on that spectrum? Where whether you have someone in your life that you're going out to dinner with, that you're getting a you know, hang out with, going to the movies with, um laughing with, having small talk with all those things that you know can bring um other measures of fulfillment into our life. Whether you have that or whether it's just you, you know, uh you just you alone or your small circle, or maybe you have you know strong um uh family relationships around you, but you're missing romance, whatever the situation may be. Maybe you don't have children, um, but you have um nieces and nephews, um, whatever the situation may be, that you are learning to be content because having people does not always bring happiness. Our emotional state, and I'm pausing for a reason, is something we have to take control of. We can't outsource that. You know, the term outsource, right? Like if if you know, in in my case, I'm in leadership at work. Um, I do a lot of hiring. Um, sometimes it's very difficult to find people in the positions that I may be looking for. Um sometimes out of my budget, the the position. So I may outsource it, right? Um to hire people um in another country that may be a little bit less expensive to hire. I may outsource. Um another definition of outsourcing um is handing over um the responsibility or the work that's needed to someone else. I'm not gonna do it, I'm gonna outsource that work. Well, you can't outsource your happiness, it never works. Y'all know just as well as I do. If you've been around any length of time, well, especially if we just let's just talk just for a small space about romantic relationships, that that person, other person, that that that happiness that sometimes comes in the beginning, it is fleeting because the real relationship dynamics show up eventually, and then there's work that needs to be done. Andor you find out that that person is not who you thought they were. They were um um showing you um a facade or even their best side, they they didn't show you all the um irres how irresponsible they are, or how controlling and manipulating they are, they didn't show you that stuff until later, right? So we can't outsource our happiness. Um other people are just not gonna do it, right? Um, so if you are not happy with yourself, no relationship is gonna fix that. How do you feel about you? Right? Being content, being at peace internally, um, being emotionally, emotionally stable or things, but also how do you feel about you? Are you happy with yourself? Okay, now we're going down a whole nother road right here because a lot of us are not happy with ourselves. We're not where we want to be in life. We we envisioned ourselves being further down the road in certain areas. Perhaps you will be in a different financial situation, or you have already gone back to college and gotten your degree, or you thought you'd be um married by now. You thought you'd be a mother, um, you know, a wife and a mother, two kids, um, white picket fence, so to speak. You'd have a whole different life. You thought you'd be further in your career, right? Are you happy with you? You thought you would be over the heartbreak that happened two years ago, but you're still bothered by it. You thought that you would already have picked up um um um good habits and broken those habits that are draining you or holding you back. You're you're ready to get out of this cycle of of start, stop, start, stop, or um just not being able to overcome things in your life. Are you stuck in any areas, you know, that that you just like frustrated with yourself, or you happy with you? Because bringing someone else into your life is not gonna fix that. Which leads me to this: you can have what we talked about last week, a healthy relationship, a person who loves you, respects you. I mean, this person adores you, will bend over backwards for you, um, um, goes above and beyond to try to make you happy, so to speak. You know how you've been in an argument with someone, and they're like, nothing I do can make you happy. I've tried, I do this, I do that, you know, and you're never happy. That is true about some people. No matter what, no a person does, you are never happy. Why? Because there's internal work that you need to do. Um, why? Because you're not happy with yourself, but you keep adding people to the mix as if they're gonna make you happy. No, what are you doing? What what what is going on with you where nothing makes you happy? Because we can it be that's a real thing, right? Nothing makes you happy, and a lot of times, y'all, it's because we're not happy with ourselves. I'm not happy with where I am in my life, so you have to do that work there first, start there. Start there. Quit putting that burden on someone else, and then they feel like they're a failure. When people cannot make you happy, it's not their responsibility to make you happy. It is your responsibility to do the work within you and in your life and cultivate the life that you want to bring true happiness into your life and then to mature into a place where you're content, no matter what the state is, because life is up and down, up, down, up, things change. Okay. So, what does happiness really look like in relationships? Because we're talking about healthy, happy, holy relationships. Some of the things that that um can can pick away at happiness in a relationship is um being easily irritated. Everything, I have to laugh at some of this stuff. This is how human nature, right? Everything gets on your nerves. Everything. Listen, nobody's that is that is annoying. Nobody's gonna want to be around you. If everything gets on your nerves. I don't care what they do. Oh my goodness. Everything is if they breathe too loud, too bad, you irritated. You know, if they chew their food too loud, you irritated. Um you know, you just always easily irritated or you nitpick everything. You can have a person who's a good person, but you picking them apart. I don't like the way um um they dress. You know, that's a dear deal breaker for me. Or I don't like, you know, this, that, and the other. Now, so listen, I'm being honest here. I we have our standards. I have standards, right? Of the type of people that uh I want in my life when we talk about close circles, right? Or even uh uh dating and those type of things. And yes, you know, something as petty as the outward appearance does matter. We know that because you first look at things, even food, it has to look appealing, right, before you want to eat it. Um, same thing in a relationship. It has to be something there on the outward. But we don't let that stop you from getting to know someone. How are you ever gonna build good, healthy, happy, holy relationships if you can't get past the small nitpicky things to really get to know the person? I laugh because human nature is like, oh my gosh, what does that person have on? Or oh my gosh, I don't like his haircut, or the did you see we just could be so petty, right? But as you grow and you mature, that's why I can laugh because I you learn to overcome these things and just be honest with yourself, right? That you have to get past those little nitpicky things and really get to know people, right? And so being nitpicky can just kind of chip away at the happiness of a relationship. Choosing peace over constant criticism, constantly criticizing someone. You know, well, the person made the bed, but you didn't make the bed right. You didn't put all the pillows back. I like the pillows standing up instead of flat. Listen, y'all let's just be honest, let's be real. The stuff some of us complain about and criticize over is so petty. It's so petty, and and those things they just like eat under our skin. They crawl away at us. It's like you burn not to say something. But we have to learn to use self-control, discipline, um, close our mouths, not say everything that comes to our mind. Now, the opposite person who's passive about everything is not uh is not built on a good a healthy foundation either. You have to you have an opinion, say it. But choose your battles. Everything is not worth talking about, everything is not worth getting upset about, everything is not worth um having to comment on. Because you can take a situation that will be peaceful, and now it's just it's it's it's just is not it's all over the place if everything bothers you. So although I own my own happiness, I have to do the internal work for my happiness. Um my environment, though, can seep away at my happiness. So my environment does matter. It's important where you allow yourself to be. If you are in a negative environment, it's going to drain you. If there's no respect there, it is going to chip away at your peace. If you got to walk on eggshells about everything, then it's going to kill your joy. If you're in a competition with the person you're in a relationship with, we talked about these things last week, then you don't feel supported at all because they're just competing with you on everything. If it's an abusive relationship, get out of it. Let's just make it plain. Get out of it. Do not stay in a relationship where someone is abusing you. Remove yourself from that relationship. So while I own my happiness, unhealthy relationships can drain my happiness. It can take away my joy, no matter how hard I've worked at my own internal happiness. If it's not healthy, it's not gonna be happy, happy, y'all. If the relationship is not healthy, it's never gonna be happy. A few more things I want to leave you with at the uh here at the end. Being grateful, right? Focusing on what's good in the relationship and not focusing on the negative, especially when it's small things, y'all, just nitpicky, pet peeves. You know, even at work, you know, uh one of the questions I sometimes will ask the candidate, depending on how far we've gotten into the interview, and if I'm leaning towards, okay, this person has potential, I may move them to the next phase, right? I'm thinking about hiring this person. One of the things I may ask them is what are your pet peeves? And what I'm listening for is how petty are you? Like, number one, how petty are you if you know your co workers at their desk and they type too loud, or you're gonna be complaining every day at work and asking me to mute move your cube. Like, how petty are you? But also, what are the deal breakers in your life? What are your pet peeves? What are the things that are really important when I say life at work life at work that matters? And some people, you know, I I want to hear things like, you know, um people's toxic work environments. That that is a pet peeve of mine that's a deal breaker for me, or um, you know, whatever they may say, right? But so I want to know what provokes them. Being grateful is something that should provoke you to see the good in a situation and not just um be hung up on your pet peeves and small things. Um making sure that you are emotionally disciplined. You're not, you know, um on this emotional roller coaster and every little thing sets you off. If you got a button that people can push or chip on your shoulder, you are yourself adding to the destruction of the happiness in the relationship. I had another thought. You know how when if you ever had a situation, say you're traveling with a friend, some people are not good travel partners. They're just not. They complain about everything, they don't they don't want to compromise, they don't want to do any of the activities you want to do, um, they don't never have enough money. Um so you know, you may have y'all talked before y'all left. You told them the things you were gonna do, they know how you travel, but they can never afford it, you know, but then they don't want to ask, you know, hey, I need some help, or save their money so that they can be prepared for the trip, or just say they can't go, I can't do this one, I can't afford it, whatever. Anyway, people, if you travel with the wrong travel partners, it can make your vacation miserable. Who wants to be miserable on vacation? When we go on vacation, it is to relax, it's to be happy, it's to laugh, it's to see things that we haven't seen before, is maybe to do things we've never done, it's is to soak up the sun if you you're the type that you know loves the beach or the going on a cruise or whatever, it's it's to disconnect from all your responsibilities at work and this, that, and the other, and just go to retreat to relax. And if you travel with the wrong person, they will single-handedly suck the happiness out of your vacation. So when I was talking about environment earlier or things that, you know, out that that around us that can take away our happiness, we have to learn you how to not to make the choices that are best for us, right? Because there are times when I say I will never travel with that person again. It's just not gonna happen. They're not a good travel partner, we're not compatible on travel hunting because you complain too much or you, you know, you don't keep your end of the end of the bargain, whatever it is. So making sure that um we are stepping away from situations that are not healthy and happy for and and and and add to our happiness. We're stepping away from, let me rephrase that, relationships that are not healthy for us and that are sucking away at our happiness. We are stepping away from relationships that are not healthy for us and and adding to our happiness. Make sure that when you come into someone's life, work relationship, um, partnerships, uh, romantic relationships, friendships, uh, family relationships, etc. That you are not the person that's coming in, sucking the happiness out of it, bringing the unhealthy dynamics in, unhealthy behaviors and patterns. If so, you need to do the work on yourself. Stop blaming everybody else, work on you. It's it's difficult, it's hard to see ourselves as maybe I'm the one that that is the person who's bringing the problems to the table. Listen, you get to a point in your life where you just gotta be honest with yourself, mature. Some of us just really need to grow up. And maturing is not about age, it it's it's about self-reflection and really seeing yourself and owning you, your own weaknesses, and understanding you're the only one that can control you. Even God Himself does not make us do anything. He says, choose this day if you're gonna serve me or not. Choose life or death. It is a choice. He's not going to make you a good person, he's not gonna make you be disciplined. He's not, he gives us the tools, the word, his spirit to do and to make the right choices is ultimately up to us. Life is all about choice, all about choices. So maturing in the fact where you make a choice to look at yourself and say, Am I the problem here in this relationship? Am I the one that nobody can get along with because I don't know how to treat people, I don't know how to talk to people. And and and you may be working on those areas in your life, maybe you haven't fully overcome it, but people still should see the effort that you're putting in. Because some it takes time for us to change when we've been a certain way for so long. But if you're not even willing to look at yourself and do the work and and start really working at it, then you you're the one with the problem. And people not eventually you're going to erode all the relationships around you. People will not want to be bothered with you. There may be some that tolerate you, but they're not happy being around you, they don't want to be around you, and then some people just gonna cut you off, right? And then the opposite, if the people in your life or the person in your life, they're the one that um is sucking away your happiness, then you have to do what's best for you. Even going back to healthy, communicate, talk to them, let them know where you stand, how you feel, um, in some cases, remove yourself from that situation. Do what it takes to protect your happiness, your peace, and and being content. All right, if you have that a good foundation in a relationship that's healthy, if you have a good foundation within yourself of happiness where you are content, you're happy with yourself, or you and you're working towards and/or you're working towards those things, you have a good foundation. Now you have to be particular about who you let into that space, but also have your eyes wide open to the people that really are a blessing to you and ensure that you're not running them off, you're not the culprit of why the relationship is rocky and unhappy. So let me leave you with a few questions. Are you expecting someone else to make you happy? Like, really think about that. Are you or are you taking ownership of your own happiness? Do you know how to be happy by yourself? There are some people who cannot be alone. They go from relationship to relationship to relationship. They don't even know what it's like to be alone, to be single or just to be alone. Can you just be happy with yourself? Are you easily provoked and irritated? Everything gets on your nerves. If it does, you're part of the problem. Just saying. We have to use some self-control, right? And nobody wants to always, you know, be nagged at. And then lastly, is your environment draining you? Is your home life, is your work life, is your uh the the vacation um with the the the companion that's on that trip with you? Is is are those things draining you? Then you need to do something about it. Happiness is not something you wait to receive in a relationship. I just want to leave this last thought with you. It's something you bring into the relationship because I have done the work in me of being content, being at peace, and being emotionally steady. And when I bring that into the relationship, things will change, everything around it will change because the other thing is I can see is this person does not want to be happy, they don't even know what happy happiness looks like. And I I will do some work with the person, I'll invest in the relationship, but you have to know when enough is enough because you can't make someone happy. That's the thing you have to realize. You cannot make someone happy, and so when somebody's telling you that, nothing I can do makes you happy. Listen to what they're saying and do an honest reflection. Yes, some people are gaslighting when they say that. Absolutely true. They haven't done anything to change, but that's not always the case. Some people, when they say that statement to you, they're being honest, you just don't see it. So to everything, there's two sides, y'all. It takes two people to tangle. So I can't present this these materials to you without um the self-reflection that it takes on where you stand in it versus being there to being able to recognize it in other people. Both matters. Alright, so I hope that you will think about what I've talked about today in part two of healthy, happy, holy relationships. We talked about healthy today. I mean last week and happy today. And so I hope that this resonates with you, that you'll think about it, that you'll go back and rewind it. And I'm gonna be honest, y'all. I feel like I rambled a little bit in this one, but I'll go back and listen again. I got my points out that I wanted to say, but it felt a little rambly, and I'm not gonna re-record this because this is the good thing about podcasts. You can just talk and be real and be honest, and so I want you to go back, grab the nuggets out of this, and really self-reflect on happiness in relationships, y'all. Have a good week until we meet next week. We're gonna talk be talking about holy. As I mentioned, we have some uh I have a couple of awesome things coming up. I want to bring in a couple of people that I want to interview around women's month. This is March, women's month. We celebrate all things women in this month, and so I'm super excited about bringing in um a person or two to um interview for you guys, which I think is going to be exciting. The other thing I want to mention is we my church is hosting um our Grow 180 women's conference at the last weekend of March. You all are invited. Um, go to our social media pages, the Unveiled Church of Jesus Christ. You can also go to um my social media, uh Grow 180 by Anitra. You can go to um Anitra.green um on Facebook, on Instagram, and you will see the flyer um for the women's conference reposted there. You can RSVP. The information is on the flyer. The women's conference is going to be phenomenal, it's going to be fire. So we want everybody to come out, all are invited, share the information, invite your friends, and um it you don't want to miss this. It's going to be um provoking us to grow. And so our theme this um this year is women in power and purpose. Women in power and purpose. So we're dealing with the spiritual as well as the natural. Um, what is God calling you to do? Um, getting your whole life together, honey. We want you to help, we want to help you get your whole life together and start growing. So um I would love to have you to be my special guest at the Grow 180 Women's Conference, which my church is hosting, the Unveiled Church of Jesus Christ. Um, we are planning a phenomenal agenda for you also. RSVP for that, find the information on my social media pages. DM me on social media if you um need more information or um for some reason don't see the information there. You can hit me on Instagram, uh grow180 by Nitra Nitra.green. Uh DM me also on Facebook. Hey, I want to come to the women's conference. I need more information, and you are more than welcome to come. I may even drop it on my um on my uh website, um grow180.com, so people can find it there. Um, also on our church website, the unveiled church of Jesus Christ dot com. Um, you can find it there. So um until next week, talk to you later. Thanks.