Ripples: Society said what?!

In this episode I want to talk about how society standards are starting to shift, but are they shifting enough?

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Hey guys, it's YK presenting Ripples. So today I kind of wanted to talk about a couple things. Um I was thinking about how society and just the public, if you will, kind of give you this sense of kind of like failure when it comes to things. Like magazines and models show you what women should look like. People in gym show you what men should look like. Um people get divorces and they're called failed marriages, things like that. Like just like people, the way people judge each other and how they spend their money, um, whether they take time for themselves, or if they stop talking to family, that's selfish. I kind of want to acknowledge a little bit about the standards that society has defined for us that are total bull. Let's face it. It's it we're we're figuring it out. It took us many and many years, but we're figuring out a day at a time that they're wrong. That you can you don't have to. I think it's I like how I like this. Is my sarcastic like I love how people define healthy as being thin. I hate that. I really hate that. Because the I you know it's it's there's a stigma amongst weight, and the reason why I brought this up was I wanted to do a video one day about how um there's a TV show that's been very popular on Netflix called Bridgerton. Bridgerton, I think is I think it's the fourth season just ended. Anyway, fantastic show, loved it so much. Um, but I think it was the um during season three, there's a character called Penelope. I think it's Penelope, it doesn't matter, but they categorize her as like the plus size girl on Bridgerton, and I was she has a romantic scene, and she has a real romantic scene, like you would for any skinny person, like it's romantic, it's revealing, it was intimate, it you know, I think it could make some people uncomfortable, and I was really happy about that because it was like, well, just because she looks different doesn't mean she shouldn't get all the intimacy and all the camera that a skinny girl would get. And I was like, I thought that was riveting and revolutionary to me to see, you know, because like let's face it, when you watch like um some of the shows like um America's Got Top Model or whatever, some of the nice African-American ladies are like, finally, I see someone in magazines that looks like me. Well, the plus size community has the same feeling a lot that we are not allowed to be seen, or that seeing us is just we're not worthy of being seen, or who wants to look at that, or that kind of stuff. And I was just I was so excited to see a love scene that was just as intimate as a skinny skinny girl scene, and I was so happy about that. Nothing wrong with being skinny either, don't don't get me wrong. But I'm just saying that we have to judge each other about everything is just getting old. It's just getting old, especially about things that aren't important. Like if I like to eat, I don't think I should be scorned because that's the life I want to live. I I don't think I don't think it really hurts anybody. I mean, it can really go into the nitpicky and the whatever, but it is also none of your business. If I want to have cheesecake for dinner, I can have cheesecake for dinner. I'm not saying that's what I'm doing or what why I'm big. But anyway, kind of getting off topic. But I think the thing that rubbed me the the next the weird way next was that so I was excited to see a plus size girl on Bridgerton get the intimate scene, right? So then I read a short article written by um written, it was an interview with the actress that plays her, and she was reflecting how she was offended that she was labeled as the plus size girl, and I was like, well, that's an interesting concept too, because I don't know what size she was. Like, I think it's one of those things I should have looked it up before I did this podcast, but let's just pretend she's a size 12, okay? And to like the society that's a plus size, right? But a size 12 isn't that big. Like, really, that's that's not big to me as a size 12. And so, like, but the clothes that they have to wear in Bridgerton are very tight. They have the corsets and they have the all your arms are all out there and all the things, and so it makes her look plus size too, I think. But um, so I can see the concept of where she would be upset that she is being hailed as a great plus size actress, and she doesn't like that. And I get that feeling that why does it have to matter that I'm plus size? Or why do you even have to bring it up? And I was like, well, that's an interesting concept. Because I was so excited to praise her for doing the representation that I needed, especially in romantic stuff. Because for me, that that's a struggle I have as a human being, is I love me as a person, but being comfortable in my physical body, especially naked in front of a partner, can be very difficult. Um I think early on, I would always have to have the lights off. Some people really do. They have to have the lights off because it's just they don't feel comfortable with their partner seeing everything. Um luckily I grew out of that very early. Um, because I not only don't mind my partner seeing me, but I kind of want to see my partner. So things with the lights on kind of became just normal for me. And with my last X, I think he was the first one. I'm sorry, this is kind of maybe a little too personal, but like some people sleep in the nude and some don't when they go to bed, right? Well, I never did, but he did, and I tried it, and then I got used to it, and then I just when we broke up, I just never stopped. And I was like, huh. Just like stuff that you realize that you didn't that at one point you used to feel uncomfortable doing, and now you don't, so that's that's great. I mean that's growth. I think that's growth that you feel comfortable in your own skin to sleep, you know, in the buff. I think that's a big deal, you know. Um I think there's a lot of growth there that it had that has happened, and so when it comes to like you know, the society and just being comfortable with you, that is a struggle I've had because I love me as a person, I don't doubt me as a person in any way, shape, or form. But when it comes to like my physical being, like, here's an example. So let's say I have a crush on a gentleman, right? I am less prone to ask him out because this is actually probably this is a real example. Let's just give you a real example. I'll just give you a real example. I'll be honest. I don't think they'll care, I don't even think they'll hear this anyway. There's a gentleman who I think is very handsome. I've always had a thing about like the little ponytails that men can do or little man buns. For some reason, that's always given me a thing. I think it's something about long hair and being able to touch it and you know and hold it in your hands. Something about it. I just like the longer hair-ish. But anyway, he has that. Regardless of, I'm not I'm not normally a facial hair guy because it reminds me too much of my dad, I think. But it doesn't bother me. It's a nice package, right? But it was I definitely feel that I am less reluctant to ask him out because of what my physical being is, and it's not exactly the shape. I've made decisions on my own about what this man wants in a partner. He likes to rock climb. I just picture him, I don't know much about this guy at all. I'll be honest. I don't know much about him. I know what he does for a living. I've we've had like a couple deep conversations about life purpose and whatnot, but I don't know much about his background, like where he came from, does he have family? Um, I know he doesn't want kids. You know, I don't know a lot, but I peg him, and this is not healthy to peg people, because this is not to make judgments on someone, but I'm just I picture he's a rock climber, right? So I just picture that he's a guy who probably likes to do outdoorsy things every once in a while. I just picture him being like the backpacker who wants to go to Timbuktu and backpack for a week and the bum, you know, in the bum FE and the, you know, with a backpack and a tent. I don't know. I just picture him as that guy who wants to go do adventures in different countries for vacations, right? And being a plus-size girl, I'll be honest, I don't think I'm capable of that. And I don't mean that like I would like those things, but again, I have to be honest, going to a the bathroom in other countries or in other places can be very difficult as a plus size person, and I know that's really weird, and I don't want to describe why, because I don't think it's necessary for you to know why it is difficult. But like if I have a small stall and I'm going beyond a number one, it's it gets complicated, and it's not for everybody, it does it doesn't happen to everyone because everyone's body is different, but with my body and my flexibility level, it's I need a bathroom that I can fit in. It's just the best way I can describe it, and so if you go to another country, half the time they're not gonna have chairs I can fit in. Like we you go, like sometimes even here in the States, I go to a patio and I want to sit on the patio, but I don't fit in the patio chairs, so I have to ask for a chair with no arms on it, and sometimes they don't have it, so now we can't sit outside, you know? So I mean, as a big girl, there are things I have to consider um to adapt to the situation, right? And I do those things. Um, when I go to a twins game, I get the handicap accessible seats because they don't have arms on them, and then my hips and mean my knees don't go out to crud, and I can enjoy a baseball game. And we're allowed to buy those. I did double check with the company that that's not a misuse of like the handicap accessible seats. They're like, no, that's actually designed for people who need a just different kind of seat, it's not just for handicap, so I'm not taking up something for someone else that's not meant for me. I did double check because I didn't want to be do that kind of thing to anyone who needs the wheelchair accessibles, but anyway, so as a big person, I have to take into account certain things. Um, and this gentleman, I just know he wants to live the certain life, and I don't think I'm gonna be able to live the life he wants to live. So I'm not gonna ask him out because I don't think I I would fit into what his life would be. But isn't that just weird though, that like I I thought that far, first of all. First of all, I've thought that far. And second of all, who am I to decide for this man that that's that's the story? But that's what we do, we decide for people, like, because society tells us these are the rules, you know. I because I don't know how many times you go to um a friend wants to set you up with a friend, right? On like a blind date. And how many times do they give you a plus size person to go out with? Like, almost all the time. Like, because for some reason, because you're plus size people, you must be attracted to each other. Like, that always seems and I think that happens a lot sometimes with I mean, I don't think anyone wants to admit it, but I think if you had an African-American friend, most of the time you're gonna put them with an African-American person, right? But that's not that doesn't mean that's what they're into. Everyone's into something different, especially when it comes to like a physicality of a partner. Like, I'm not necessarily attracted to plus size men, but if their personality's fantastic, that wouldn't be an issue or a factor, or sometimes they're so skinny, I'm like, I'm gonna break that man in half. And I don't wanna, and I don't wanna have to worry about it, so then I don't want to date really, really skinny guys either. So I do have a little bit of I think it's okay to have a preference. Like if you're not into plus size people, like you're not sexually attracted to them, I don't think there's anything wrong with you. I think you have a preference, but there's always like judgment thrown into everything. It's like, oh well, you must be a crappy person. It's like, well, you can't exactly you know predict what you're gonna be attracted to. Like some people like to, you know, be choked in bed or something like that. Like, some people want different things, and I think we're so judgmental about everything because we're taught to be. I don't know, I've kind of gone out on a million places here in my brain today. But it all just comes back to like societal judgment and all these rules that we put up to ourselves that we run by, and I'm trying to reprogram some of those for me. I know I've especially when it comes to my own body, like it is not my business what other people think of my body, it is not my business because I need to love my body and the way it is, and how it is, and how it looks and how it feels, and that's something I want to work on. Um, so I don't know, like, and then like uh the other point I kind of wanted to bring up was there's another friend of mine where I guess there's more than one, let's face it, that there's people who've gotten married and divorced in my lifetime, and a lot of them called, well, my marriage failed. And I really, really hate that word. I hate it so much. I think people don't realize that because you're getting a divorce, it doesn't mean your marriage failed. I think that is like the worst thing to call it in the world. That's that's not what that is. There's this negative connotation in society that you did something wrong, so now you don't love each other anymore. Or that now you're a different person and they don't love that person anymore, so you're gr like ish, I don't love you anymore. And it's like I don't I just I I just think it goes so gross. Why does it have to go so gross? Why does it go from love to hate so quickly and so easily? When that's I don't think that's what's happening. Because let's face it, if you look at yourself who you are today, right? Let's look at ourselves and go, these are the things and values I have today. Were those the things and values you had 15 years ago? I highly doubt it. Highly doubt it. It's either refined or it's changed completely, or things just maybe the priorities are the are like the items are the same, but the priority order is different. Like maybe now you value money more than family, or you know, there's the hierarchy is just changed. The values are there, but the hierarchy of these values have changed. And I think because we change as people, then sometimes we don't always we're not always compatible with our partner. And deciding that and realizing that I think is the most grown-up thing you can do. I think it's the most responsible, kind, and thoughtful thing you can do is realize that we don't we don't match anymore because I'm different. You're different. We're different people now, and it's not because we're broken, it's not because we're we outgrew you. I don't I there's all this negative connotation to it. It's just no, we're just we are different people, and we're gonna continue to change till the day we die. And if you don't fit anymore, I think that's okay. There are people that you learn from that you were meant to learn from. You're meant there are people you're meant to be with. There are meant I don't think there's always the one soulmate for everyone. Some of them find them. Fantastic, but not everyone's meant to do that. And so I think finding that and acknowledging that we do not fit anymore, our puzzle pieces do not fit anymore. And moving on is the most responsible thing you can possibly do. Because let's face it, you're miserable, you are in denial that you are miserable, and it's not because you didn't try. It's like, oh well, we didn't go to counseling enough, I didn't listen to her enough, blah blah blah blah blah. Sometimes that's true where it's like I never hear my partner and what they need. Some of those things are valid points, but sometimes that's just excuses of that that's not what that is. That's not why it's not working. It's just you're you're different. They're different, you're different, you're different. And some and I just I respect people who go, okay, well, you know what? It's time, it's time that we go our separate ways. It's like, yes, that's and and and being a child who is part of a family that should have been divorced, get the divorce. Get the divorce. The earlier the better when it comes to the kid's age, I tell ya. Because they can heal a lot easier when they're younger than when they're older. Because it's gonna make an impact on your kid, but it's gonna be a lot better than if you stuck together. I have yet to have anyone go, wow, I'm so glad my parents stuck together this long and got a divorce after I got out of high school, or no kid's ever gonna say that. Not a single one. Not a single one. Because my parents should have gotten divorced a while ago. But they never did. Long story, blah blah blah. But um, sometimes it's just the right answer, and if for you staying together for the kids is not the answer, that is never the answer. That was miserable. Anyway. So don't do that. Don't do that. But I want you to I want you to bend the idea that sometimes sometimes society is wrong. I want you to take the idea that sometimes what the judgment that society tells you to use is wrong. And I want you to try, let's try one thing this week. Let's think about this for two seconds. Let us let us consider for the next week what I spend in food. Let's just pick something specific. Let's specifically say what money I spend in food. We're gonna judge that at the end at at next week. So the money that I spend on just food, not you know, entertainment or rent or any of that stuff. What I spend in food, let's judge ourselves on the end of the at next uh next week and see what that looks like. Because I think tweaking some of this mind thoughtfulness on how to look at things, I think will be really healthy for both of us. And let's try that out. Let's do that. I'm gonna try to write it down, my my spending on food for the next week, and then I'm gonna judge the crud out of it, and then we're gonna see about how stupid that is. Maybe that sounds weird, but it makes sense to me. But how stupid that is. Um, so let's try that. Let's break some judgmental society judgments next week and see what we can do with that. But anyway, thank you so much for listening to Ripples today and me rant about society's judgments and how I don't think they're healthy. So let's let's try to break some of that mold for next week, and I will talk to you next week, and I hope you have a magical moment day.