The Care-Less Era: What I’m Letting Go of to Get My Joy Back

In the latest episode of 'Women Who Are Autistic,' host Annelise, a life, career, and financial coach, welcomes listeners into the new year with a focus on embracing authenticity and rejecting unnecessary burdens. Reflecting on insights from her mentor, Annelise discusses the importance of not getting stuck in past regrets or romanticizing the past, but instead embracing a 'careless era'—spelled care-dash-less. This concept involves selective care, reducing masking, and prioritizing one's own truth and sensory needs. Annelise shares a story about Jane, a high-functioning autistic woman, to illustrate the challenges of societal pressures and the fear of missing out (FOMO). She encourages listeners to engage in practices that prioritize mental health and personal joy, such as the 'Joy Practice: Daily Selfie.' Annelise emphasizes that caring less about unimportant matters and more about one's well-being isn't selfish but essential for true happiness. She concludes with a call to action for listeners to share their journey on social media using the hashtag #care-less-era.

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**Disclaimer** I am not a mental health professional and I do not speak for everyone. I am simply a woman with AuDHD who wants to share experiences, stories, and knowledge.

Transcript

Audio Only - All Participants 0:00

Hello everyone and Happy New Year! Welcome to the Women Who Are Autistic. The podcast where being different isn't just accepted-- it's celebrated. I am Annelise your life, career, and financial coach, and I help autistic women build lives that feel aligned, meaningful, and unapologetically authentic. Each week we'll explore neurodiversity, identity, work, money, and the messy magic of being human. So grab your favorite sensory friendly beverage and get comfy. Let's dive in and rethink what's possible together. I was meeting with my mentor this week and they shared some good insight that I really wanted to take some time to share with you before we dive into the main content of this episode. The month of December is a special month of the year. It is the month full of generosity, beauty, of Christmas lights, the gathering of families, the magic of Santa, and children full of joy and wonder. However, December also is a month of reflection for the year. Some people look at the year full of regret and frustration while others look back at the year and romanticize what was, but forget all the hardships. The important thing is not to stop and camp out on these two paths, but to learn and be present as the next year rolls around. What happens when we camp out in regret, frustration, and romanticize what was? We miss out on the things that are happening now and more than often we miss out on the opportunities of growth, success, and joy. I'm gonna say that again. Often when we camp out in regret frustration, and romanticizing. what was, we often miss out on the things that are happening now, and more than often we miss out on the opportunities of growth, success, and joy. With that, I wanna ask right now, what path are you on right now? Are you regretting all the opportunities you didn't take and the frustration that brought that on? Or are you looking in the rear view mirror wishing you could go back in the year and experience the good old days? For me, it is a little bit of both. I personally regret giving into my subconscious thoughts of having to fix myself all the time just to be able to not miss out, and I really miss my time in Europe, especially Paris this year. But I forget the hard lessons I learned along the way. All this reflecting got me to think, what could I do differently this time around? I mean, January 1st is supposed to give us the opportunity to restart, right? I realize I need to have a careless era. This isn't about not caring at all. It's about no longer caring about the things that word never meant to be mine to carry, and I am spelling careless as care dash less. Before we go any further, I wanna say this gently. I'm not offering advice, I'm not telling you what you should do. I'm just sharing what I'm unlearning and what's helping me right now. Please take what feels supportive, leave what doesn't. And if at any point listening feels like too much, you're allowed to pause, skip, or stop, your nervous system gets to lead. And I want to start off with a reality, an example of how this reality could be played out. Most everyone laughs and nods in agreement when discussing fomo. The fear of missing out, but not everyone is open to discussing the frustration it brings. Here is what I mean. For example, there's this high functioning woman. Let's call her Jane. Jane has a customer facing career. And at the end of the day, her capacity to mask has almost reached her limit. She gets a text from a group of women she's getting to know to go out for drinks after work. Jane has been craving connection with others for a long time and doesn't get a lot of opportunities to develop friendships or relationships. So she doesn't wanna skip this one. She says yes and tells herself that she needs to push through. She also was texted the information of the place that they're going and that they're all dressing up in cocktail attire. Jane wants to not be the odd one out. So she dresses up in the only cocktail dress she owns with material that makes her feel itchy and uncomfortable with her capacity to mask being low. Jane goes through the evening with pain in her eyes and a migraine from that bright lights slightly nodding as she is lost in the conversation. And let's not forget, she's constantly finding the urge to itch and move weird because of her dress and how uncomfortable she is. After the evening, Jane gets home late, depleted and beating herself up for not asking to reschedule. She has to wake up early tomorrow because of work, but she knows it is going to be rough the next day 'cause she didn't take enough time to rest to fill up her tank. She also doesn't want to skip her routine so she gets up extra early to go to the gym instead of giving herself permission to skip. This has been something Jane has experienced year in and year out, but each time she is left frustrated and ashamed of giving into the fomo. This example may hit home to you or it may not. It might not be exactly the same situation, but I'm sure you can think of your own that you have had this year. I could easily relate to Jane and her hardship because even though I haven't been in her exact shoes, I have been in a lot of effort to fix myself so that I do not miss out. So I do not miss the opportunity of connection and finding new friends or going on the date I know I should have said no to instead of yes. Somewhere along the way caring too much became survival and it cost me my joy. And that is why I not only want, but I need to care dash less. To have a careless era. I need to take back my joy. What does this careless era actually look like? Well, let's define it. Care less involves less masking, less explaining, less forcing yourself into systems that drain you, less performing to gain worthiness, less fear of the unknown, less doubting yourself and your abilities and less hiding the beauty that you carry within you and this world needs. This list may seem daunting and way too big of a challenge. But what if we were to reframe this list into two words? Selective care. Selective care isn't selfish and it isn't something to be ashamed of. It is easy to listen to those around you who may see it as a selfish act, but honestly, the worst is when we put the shame on ourselves. Your voice is the hardest to tune out. This may be the first big step you take of this year is to say no, and I encourage you to verbally say it out loud to yourself. No! Say no when the feelings and the script of shame come into play. Now, let's define what the careless era is NOT. It is not giving up. You may mess up throughout this year and that is okay. That means you're doing something right. It means you're growing. It is important to not camp at the disappointment or mess up, but rather get back on the horse and keep trying. If you need rest, rest, but still plan on continuing your journey. Next, the careless era is not about being reckless. This looks different for everyone. So I will say what it means for me, and maybe this is you too, or maybe you have a different way of defining it. For me, not being reckless looks like not people pleasing, over accommodating and being hyper responsible. There are always times where I have such decision fatigue that I can't even make a decision of what to have for dinner or be able to meal prep, but I feel compelled to make dinner because I am on a budget and trying to get out of debt. Instead of feeling shame. I am choosing to be kind to myself this year and making it a budget item to have a food service, like Hello Chef for several meals a week. This leads me to my next point. The careless era is not about not caring for yourself. Like I said, it's about having selective care. Selective care isn't about doing less, it's about listening closer, and that listening is what I mean by using your own truth. When I say your own truth, I don't mean having clarity or confidence all the time. I mean, noticing what your body, your energy, and your capacity are telling you and allowing that information to count even when it's subtle or changes from day-to-day. Using your own truth is choosing to stay with yourself instead of pushing past yourself and trusting that this is enough. Before we go on, I wanna offer a small grounding moment. You don't need to change anything. Just notice one place in your body that feels even slightly okay or neutral. Let that be enough for now. Your sensory needs are what overwhelms or calms you. Your energy limits your values, not just rules. You've learned to follow your feelings and reactions, even when the others don't understand them. Your capacity in the moment, not who you should be. Let that be enough for now. What is not your own truth? Using your own truth is not ignoring consequences entirely. It is not hurting others it's also not refusing all compromise. But what your own truth is is letting your reality count. It is making choices with self-respect. It's communicating from clarity instead of fear. It is meeting your sensory needs. It is noticing what overwhelms you or calms you. It is getting in touch of your energy limits and respecting them. It's about knowing your values, not just rules you've learned to follow. Your own truth is also allowing yourself not to have to explain your feelings and reactions when others don't understand them. Your own truth is your capacity in the moment, not who you should be or who you think you should be. Some examples of what I'm working on this year which you are totally free and welcome to use. The first is resting before burnout instead of after. For me, this may be having an afternoon of reading instead of going out. It may be missing my routine and not going to the store every Sunday, but instead going on a Monday evening when I have more rest. It may be also having a candle light day instead of lights on in the house. Yes, I sometimes read by candlelight or a cook by candlelight. It also may be taking a walk after work without my earbuds in. Whatever that looks like for you. I encourage you to rest before you have a burnout. This also looks like letting my joy be unproductive. Yes, I said joy and unproductive in the same sentence. As a high functioning woman who finds value in work and being on the go, it is hard for me to be unproductive. Being unproductive can look like watching my favorite show and even binging the new season and maybe skipping the gym or swim practice because I'm tired and I'm worn out. Whatever it might be for you. The important thing is not allowing guilt and shame in your thoughts or in your feelings, but rather allowing yourself to enjoy whatever it is you enjoy. This can all be scary and bring fear, but if you're like me and you've spent years masking, you may have learned that your needs cause problems. Your reactions are too much. Harmony matters more than honesty. So when you start using your own truth, your nervous system may register it as danger. Even when it's healthy, that guilt doesn't mean you're wrong. It means you're unlearning conditioning. A simple way to check if you're using your truth is asking yourself this question. If I don't fear disappointing anyone, what would I choose? If I didn't fear disappointing anyone, what would I choose? That answer is usually your truth. Once your own truth becomes the guide joy becomes something you can gently record instead of Chase. I'm gonna say that again. Once your own truth becomes the guide, joy becomes something you can gently record instead of Chase. When we begin to trust our own truth, joy doesn't have to be a big or impressive. It just has to be noticed. It has to be noticed more importantly to you than anyone else. That's why I wanna share a practice I love, and it's called the Joy Practice: Daily Selfie. And I would love for you to join me. It's one selfie a day. No aesthetic standards, no explanations, no pressure to look happy or put together. It's simply a small, visible reminder that joy existed somewhere in your day, even if it was quiet, fleeting, or just enough for you. It doesn't even need to be a selfie of yourself. It could be things you see like a view, a coffee mug you see in the store that you love, or while you are on a walk and you have the reaction of, look at that rock or look at that tree, whatever it may be, if it brings you joy, take a picture of it. Again, I want you to join me for your careless era. This exercise is for you if you don't wanna post it, that is okay. If you do wanna post, please use hashtag care. Dash, less dash is not spelled out. Hashtag era so that myself and others can cheer you on. I'm so grateful you spent this time with me today and I hope something here gave you support, clarity, or even a little bit of peace. If you'd like more conversations like this, I'd love for you to subscribe so you don't miss future episodes. Your support helps this podcast reach other autistic women and neurodivergent people who might be looking for a space like this too. If this episode resonated with you, leaving a review is one of the most meaningful ways to support the show. And if there are topics you need help with, questions you wanna explored, or even if what I'm talking about isn't quite what you're looking for, I truly wanna hear from you. You can connect with me on Instagram. My profile is linked in the show notes. And if you know someone who might benefit from today's episode, please feel free to share it with them. Sending you calm and compassion. Until next time.