Embracing the Wallflower: Navigating Life Between Two Worlds

This episode is all about the girl who feels stuck in two worlds-autistic and neurotypical. Do not let yourself be consumed of the fear of being seen and misunderstood. Step out and change the world with your story.

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Transcript

Audio Only - All Participants 0:00

Hello everyone. Welcome to Women Who Are Autistic. The podcast where being different isn't just accepted- it's celebrated. I am Annelise your life, career, and financial coach, I help autistic women build lives that feel aligned, meaningful, and unapologetically authentic. Each week we'll explore neurodiversity identity, work money, and the messy magic of being human. So grab your favorite sensory friendly beverage and get comfy. Let's dive in and rethink what's possible together. If you are new here or are not aware, this New Year's series for 2026 is all about being in a Care dash less era. This is episode three of the season. If you have not yet listened to the first, I encourage you to do so as each episode builds on the other. I wanna say this gently. I'm not offering advice. I'm not telling you what you should do or shouldn't do. I'm just sharing what I'm unlearning or what I am relearning and what's helping me right now. Take what feels supportive, leave what doesn't. And if at any point listening feels like too much, you're allowed to pause, skip, or stop. Your nervous system gets to lead. This is a series about choosing to care less about the things that quietly drain us. Not because we're giving up, but because we're finally protecting ourselves. Today's episode is called The Girl Between Two Worlds. I've never really related to people who desire fame, success, popularity, not for the right clothes, the right car, or the right version of success that's supposed to make you feel eligible for this world, so to speak. I'm not saying that these things are not what others struggle with or what I struggle with, with socially fitting in. What I am saying is that as a high functioning autistic AuDHD adult, fitting in looks kind of different and the focus is different. What I can relate to is that girl who is stuck in two worlds. Imagine this. She's stuck, at the point where you're crossing the state line and she's straddling both. She's in two worlds, but she doesn't really belong to one. This is the girl whose soul is screaming for connection, intimacy, and group hangouts with her girls all while her body is screaming as it is overwhelmed and cannot handle one more second of the social norms society brings. She's present but not fully seen. She's observing more than she's participating. She's underestimated. And that underestimation becomes her quiet power. To explain here, I'm gonna borrow an image from the Victorian era. You are presently going to be at a ball. You're physically there, you're dressed appropriately, you're in high fashion. You are walking into the room confidently and you wanna be part of that world. You wanna be able to dance with people, have your dance card filled up, and you wanna have the time of your life, but at the same time, you do not wanna be there. You've already been overwhelmed preparing for this outing. So you decide to step back and observe and no one gives you the time of day. She's what you call the wallflower, but you're also the person the ton never sees coming. If you've ever watched the show, Bridgerton she's Penelope. If there was a character in modern Victorian era fiction that I could relate to it would be Penelope. And if you're listening to this and feeling a tightness in your chest, you might be able to relate to her too. Being in two world means you understand the rules, but they don't feel natural. You can perform social norms, but it costs you a lot. You're observant and not absent. For many neurodivergent women, especially autistic women, this is familiar. We're not oblivious. We are hyper aware. We see the patterns, we see the hierarchies, the unspoken expectations. I see this with my clients and myself as. AuDHD, some neurotypicals could see our odd behaviors, honesty, and not picking up on social cues as being ignorant or oblivious. Honestly, sometimes I do feel like what is happening with my reactions to social cues is ignorance until I realize I never actually understood the message in the first place. Yes, I'm the one that will be in a group and everyone's laughing and I interrupt their laughing and go, what is so funny? That did not seem funny at all. Or I might be telling a story that's very meaningful. Or, I thought was hilarious, and the person I'm telling to space looks weird. When I describe my experience and I ask them, why is your face so weird? What is happening? These are not because I'm oblivious to what is happening, but actually it is because I'm so hyper aware of what I'm seeing and not translating it, that I need to understand why that is, and the best way for me to do that is to actually ask that person. I'm not even aware that asking the person to translate it is odd itself to them, but that is me. I have to know what is happening so I can store it for future reference. But knowing the rules doesn't mean I'm actually wanting to play the game. In fact, a great example from my own experience is this. Earlier this week, I came across a set of old journals that I kept in high school and in these journals I would use them to help myself understand the social norms of my peers. The journals were written actually like a peer reviewed science experiment. That is very fitting since I have my degree in behavioral analytics, psychological research and communication studies. Anyways, this is what often popped up for me in my observation through reading these again. First, I would write down particular behaviors that I noticed with the people around me, and one of them that really stuck out to me was this. It was usually documented that it was a Monday morning, and some of my peers would always come with sunglasses on on Mondays and really bad headaches, and just looked absolutely miserable. And I would obviously ask them what's wrong? And they would tell me that they stayed up too late or had a great time and partied. And my reaction's like, first of all, that sounds fun, but also why would you do that if you're gonna be so miserable? And so I would just document these as things. For me, it's black and white in my autistic mind of things I wanna do and things I don't wanna do, but yet my neurotypical slides like that seems like really fun to be able to have that much social interaction. So it was constantly this like battle between two desires. Like I said, my journal is full of these types of questions and different scenarios that I would deserve. In high school or throughout life, really. I often crave for social connection with my peers, but I honestly could not handle the stimulation from school and work, and. And I find myself constantly having meltdowns at the same time, but not understanding what was wrong with me and what my body was trying to communicate. All this happened before I was diagnosed I often wondered how could I be craving one thing on a soul level, but my body craving the opposite? When you don't play for popularity status or approval, people assume you don't matter. That assumption can become invisibility. To summarize this, I can relate to this girl who's stuck in two worlds, the girl who is. Straddling state lines. The girl who is the misunderstood wallflower. They assume that the wallflower is shy, passive unambitious waiting to be chosen. As Penelope shows us that wallflower isn't waiting. She is watching, she's taking it in. She's learning who speaks loudly and who actually holds influence. She is noticing contradictions. She's tracking emotional undercurrents. Penelope wasn't overlooked because she lacks substance. Again, she did not lack substance. She was overlooked because her substance didn't perform itself loudly. And here's the truth. Underestimation is a strange kind of freedom, and this is what I love about Penelope and Bridgeton. Yes, she was overlooked in many ways, and she was considered the quote unquote outcast in society, but she didn't let that get to her. She used that invisibility as a superpower. She uses it to be influential and not to stay silent. For those who don't feel seen, I wanna encourage you that we have an amazing story to tell. The lack of substance is not our problem. I wanna challenge you with this question. How can you use your invisibility that you are feeling and turn it into a way to make a difference in the world, in the people around you? I can tell you from experience that we all matter, and every human has a story that can change someone's life. It may even save them. If you look at the people who have had and still have. The biggest impact on humans. It didn't come out of a perfect life or an easy one, but their influence came out of hardships, the pain, the tears shed, and most often they didn't have a dime to their name. I mean, here's one example, and I absolutely love her, and she's very popular right now, Mel Robbins. Her and her husband were almost bankrupt before she had the courage to tell her story. And look at her now, look at her influence in the Let Them Theory. She's changing lives wherever she goes.

12:45

Okay. We cannot forget about Temple Grandin if you don't know who she is. She is probably the most influential person when it comes to autism awareness, but she also is very much influential in the animal scientist world. She's the one who designed humane livestock handling systems and. She did that by her visual thinking. Her perspective inspired new humane ways to handle livestock, but also what people would necessarily see different as a weakness she used as her power. She was bullied a lot for being different and for being autistic, she didn't let that stop her. She didn't play the victim card. She didn't stay there. Instead, the things that neurotypical people saw as different in weakness, she used as her strength and power. I believe we would not be here talking about autism and awareness if it wasn't for her stepping out and choosing not to be a victim. I think we owe her so much gratitude for that and for being an example of how to thrive as an autistic in this society. And again, she did not choose to be the victim. Instead, she chose to use her story and her differences as influential as she is to be powerful in making a difference in this world.

Audio Only - All Participants 14:42

So how can you impact those around you? Your influence can be simply being vulnerable with someone that you trust and feel safe with, and telling them the pain you're going through, that too can have major impact for you and for that person. Entering your careless era doesn't mean becoming cold, becoming reckless, becoming disconnected. It means opting out of proving. No longer translating your inner world into something palatable, no longer dressing your truth in a costume so others can digest it. Care dash less is discernment. Now, I'm not saying that the frustration of feeling stuck in two worlds is not there. Because, let's be honest, the struggle is really real. What I am saying is that to be care Dashs is to not be concerned with your unmasked self, making people uncomfortable or using an excuse to people please. Penelope didn't become powerful by demanding attention. She became powerful by choosing where to place her voice. There's a modern version of this ballroom. It looks like online spaces, such as Facebook support groups, autism groups, neurotypical spaces, and some of us walk into those rooms and feel the same thing. We're always felt present, but not placed. In neurotypical spaces, you often feel too literal, too intense, too quiet, too much. In autistic spaces, you might feel not autistic enough, too verbal, too masked, too functional, or like your experience doesn't match the dominant narrative. So you kind of float. Not because you didn't belong anywhere, but because rigid categories were never designed for people who live in nuance. This can feel deeply lonely, but it's also a signal you're not failing. Community, community hasn't learned how to hold in between people yet. This is a quiet strength in being misread. When people think they understand you, they stop listening, but when they underestimate you, you move freely. You build privately, you choose intentionality. Just think about this for a second. In some ways we can relate to both sides, both worlds we're like bridges. If we were asked how to relate to either world, we could actually help. There is beauty in both worlds. For instance, there is such a beauty I find in my unmasked self. I don't know if anyone out there can relate to this, but I feel like I can relate to children more than adults because like them, I still have the ability to have the childlike, playful soul. I'm someone who deeply connects with nature, especially trees, water, and the stars. When an individual looks at a tree, they might see its beauty, but I deeply resonate with it. I see the history it may have witnessed. The wars, the people who walked by it, that made history. There is a forest near my city where Mark Twain's house used to be when I walked through this forest. I think of him walking through it thinking of the stories or news articles he was going to write. Did he actually do this? I don't know, but he may have. And those a hundred plus year old trees got to witness that. How exciting Things like this bring me such joy. Being an autistic person, I love being able to share these insights with people I hike with and some of which react that they didn't even think of. That autism has its hardships for sure. There is also a unique and childlike perspective we can bring to the neurotypical world. This episode isn't about revenge arc, it's about sovereignty. The You're allowed to arrive fully formed. If you are like so many autistics out there, including myself, who feel too old fashioned for modern chaos, too deep for surface level belonging, too observant to be naive, you are not behind, nor are you invisible. You're just between morals. This is hard, frustrating, and seems impossible at times, but it can also be rewarding. The Care Dash Less era isn't about stepping into the spotlight. It's about deciding when and if you want to be seen. If this episode resonated, let it sit. You don't need to act, you don't need to explain. Just notice where you've been performing attendance instead of presence. Remember, the wallflower isn't weak. She's simply unbothered by being underestimated. I'm so grateful you spent this time with me today, and I hope something here gave you support, clarity, or even a little bit of peace. If you'd like more conversations like this, I'd love for you to subscribe so you don't miss out on future episodes. Your support helps this podcast reach other autistic women. And neurodivergent people who might be looking for a space like this too, if this episode resonated with you. Leaving a review is one of the most meaningful ways to support the show. And if there are topics you need help with, questions you wanna explored, or even if what I'm talking about isn't quite what you're looking for, I truly wanna hear from you. You can connect with me on Instagram. My profile is linked in the show notes. And if you know someone who might benefit from today's episode, please feel free to share it with them. Send in you calm and compassion. Until next time.