Care-Less Era: Identifying Your Nervous System State in Real Time

Welcome to Episode 5 of Women Who Are Autistic, hosted by Annelise, a life, career, and financial coach. This episode delves into identifying your current nervous system state and understanding the impact it has on your body and mind. Annelise explains the differences between the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems, and the importance of recognizing physiological signals over cognitive narratives. The episode includes a guided body scan exercise to help listeners tune into their body’s messages. Subscribe for more insights on neurodiversity, and stay tuned for the next episode focused on burnout and recovery.

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Transcript

Audio Only - All Participants 0:00

Hello everyone and welcome to Women Who Are Autistic. The podcast we're being different isn't just accepted. It's celebrated. I am Annelise your life, career, and financial coach, and I help autistic women build lives that feel aligned, meaningful, and unapologetically authentic. Each week we'll explore neurodiversity identity, work money, and the messy magic of being human. If you are new here or not aware, this New Year's series for 2026 is all about being in a careless era. This is episode five of the season. If you have not yet listened to the others, I encourage you to do so as each episode builds on the other. I wanna say this gently: I'm not offering advice. I'm not telling you what you should do or shouldn't do. I'm just sharing what I'm unlearning and what I'm relearning and also what's helping me right now. Take what feels supportive, leave what doesn't. And if at any point listening feels like too much, you're allowed to pause, skip, or stop, your nervous system gets to lead. This is a series about choosing to care less about the things that quietly drain us. Not because we're giving up, but because we're finally protecting ourselves. In the last episode, we talked a little bit about burnout, breaking points, the nervous system, and how to support an autistic who's having a meltdown. Today as promised, we will expand on this and talk about how to identify the state you are in. So grab your favorite sensory friendly beverage and get comfy. Let's dive in and rethink what's possible together. Looking back, as someone who is an adult and diagnosed with autism, it's a journey. Sometimes it is such a relief to find out why you react or reacted the way that you do. But I wonder, have you ever looked back, remembering times where your reaction was defined as a behavioral problem? It could be voiced as you need to stop acting like this, or why are you emotional all the time? Or maybe you were only put in one support for autism, that being ABA therapy, also known as Applied Behavioral Analysis Therapy. Now before we move on, it's important to say as behavioral scientists that there is for sure time and place for ABA therapy to be effective and also when it's needed. But the longer I work in the science and industry and with my clients, I realize that when it comes to regulation; it isn't a matter of a behavioral problem. It is a matter of a physiological one, a nervous system state. This changed everything for my approach with my clients and also my approach for my own regulation. Your nervous system state is determined by what is happening physiologically in your body. Not by the narrative you're telling yourself about what's happening. In other words, your thoughts don't create your state. Your explanations don't regulate your state, other people's thoughts and explanations don't regulate your state. Your body is already in a state before your brain explains it. The story is things like, I shouldn't feel this way. I'm overreacting. It isn't a big deal. I need to calm down. Those are cognitive overlays. They come after the body has already shifted. Your body isn't malfunctioning. It's just communicating. So why does it matter? What narrative is being said or what my reaction is? For when I am in a state that's not regulated well, this matters, especially for autistics. Autistic people are often taught to override the body logic their way out of distress. Explain instead of sentence, but you cannot think your way out of a nervous system state. That's why insight doesn't stop meltdowns. Self-awareness doesn't prevent burnout, quote unquote, knowing better doesn't change capacity. Here's a great example. If your shoulders are up, your jaws clenched, your breath is shallow, your legs are pacing, but your story says, I'm fine. Just need to calm down. Your state is still overactivated. If your limbs feel heavy, your chest hollow, your energy low, but your story says, I'm just being lazy. Your state is still collapsed, so your body is telling the truth before your mind catches up. Here's another way to say this, so imagine your body has an automatic gear shift, or accelerator and brake pedal that helps you handle life without you having to think about it. The sympathetic nervous system is like stepping on the gas pedal hard. It's your body's go mobilize energy action mode. It kicks in when you need to move fast, deal with danger, or get pumped up. For example, you hear a loud noise or almost get hit by a car. What is your body's reaction? Your heart races, your breathing speeds up your muscles get ready to run or fight. You feel super alert. Your pupils get big. You start sweating. It's basically your built-in emergency accelerator for fight, flight, or freeze situations. It burns energy fast to get you ready for action. Now there is another nervous system, and that is your parasympathetic nervous system, and it's like easing off the gas and gently pressing the brake. It's your body's rest, recover, recharge mode. This is also, when it comes to burnout, it's very related. Your parasympathetic nervous system turns on when you feel safe and things are calm, so your body can do maintenance and save energy. For example, you're lying in bed at night, taking slow deep breaths, getting a massage or hugging someone you love your body's response to that, those three things. Is your heart rate slows your breathing deepens you feel calm and cozy. This is nicknamed as the rest and digest system because it helps to recover, heal, digest food, and restore energy. These two nervous systems work as opposites to balance each other. It's like the gas pedal versus brake pedal in a car. Too much sympathetic gas pedal stuck down all the time, makes you feel stressed, wired, exhausted. You can sleep or digest well. Then there's the parasympathetic nervous system, which helps bring you back to calm so you can rest, repair, and feel good again. Here's a quick reality check. A lot of us think we're healing when energy starts coming back after burnout, but that's often just the first step, not the full picture. Let's unpack why most people mix up energy return with real healing. Why getting your capacity back doesn't automatically mean you're regulated. And why a burst of overactivation feeling wired again is super common right after burnout starts lifting, we'll also look at those everyday misreads, an end with a line that flips the script. First, most people confuse energy, return with healing. When you've been in deep shutdown and suddenly you get a little spark, maybe you can get out of bed easier. Focus for 10 minutes or feel a tiny bit motivated. That's energy returning, not full healing. It's like your battery getting from 5% to 30%, which is great, but the system is still fragile. Healing is when you can reliably hang out in the bottom rung that calm, connected, regulated state without crashing back down. Energy return is capacity. Creeping back healing is flexible, trustworthy regulation. Second, capacity coming back does not equal regulation Capacity means I have more fuel in the tank. You can do more things without immediate collapse. Regulation means I can handle what comes without my nervous system, hijacking me into fight or flight or shutdown. You can have more capacity, able to work longer, socialize a bit, but still be dysregulated, jumpy, irritable or numb underneath. It's like upgrading from a tiny phone battery to a bigger one, but the phone software is still glitchy. True regulation rebuilds the software, so states shift smoothly and safely. Third, and this trips people out the most. Overactivation often follows burnout, recovery after a long shutdown as energy returns the nervous system, often bounces up to the middle rung. That's the sympathetic, mobilized, wired, anxious nappy part of the ladder before it can settle into the top. Why is that? Well, shutdown was conservation mode. Now the body has resources again, so it revs up to catch up, discharge, old survival energy test if the world is safe or just rebound from being so suppressed. It feels like I'm getting worse again or relapsing, but it's often a healthy rebound toward balance. The ladder doesn't skip steps. It has to pass through mobilization to get back to calm connection. If we fight it or misread it, we prolong the bounds. Now, here are some common misreads people make. I need rest. Well, actually, the body often needs discharge first. If you're coming out of shutdown with pen up energy, more rest, lying, still zoning out, can keep you stuck low, gentle movement, shaking, walking, even humming, helps discharge the stuck sympathetic charge so rest can actually restore you later. I need movement is another misread people make sometimes the opposite. The body needs clap safe stillness. If you're wired and pushing exercise hard, it amps up the sympathetic more. But if you are in early recovery and feel safe enough, supported stillness, curled up with a blanket, slow breathing with a trusted person nearby, lets dorsal release without terror, rebuilding, safety and shutdown. Another misread. I am failing again. No you're not. This is just the body shifting states. The ladder is working. It's climbing. Bouncing to overactivation isn't failure. It's progress with turbulence. Here's the line to remember. Wrong tools don't mean broken systems. They mean wrong diagnosis. If you're using rest when discharge is needed, or pushing movement, when safe stillness would help, it feels like nothing works, but the system isn't broken. It's just getting the wrong perception. Tune into what your body is actually asking for in the moment. Not what you think it should need and things start shifting faster. You might be asking, well, how do I do that? Well, I'm gonna take the time today to do a guided body scan that I use for my clients to help in identification, not regulation. So if you are in a place right now where you can get away from whatever you're doing and just take the next three minutes. I would love to guide you in this body scan. Now, this isn't a calming exercise. This is a data gathering exercise. Find a comfortable spot where you feel as supported as possible. Maybe it's sitting with your back against something solid. Or lying down with a pillow under your knees or head. Let your body be held by gravity. No need to force relaxation. Just notice what's already there. We'll start with a few easy breaths to anchor us. Place one hand on your belly just below your ribs. And the other on your chest, if that feels okay. Notice how your breath is moving right now. Is it mostly in your chest, quick, shallow, or up high? Or is it dropping lower into your belly, making your hand rise and fall gently. There's no right or wrong. Your breath is just telling the story of your nervous system in this moment. If it's chesty and fast, that might hint at sympathetic mobilization energy for action, alertness, if it's very shallow or held. It could touch dorsal shutdown, heaviness, conservation. If it's easy, full and belly led, that's often a sign of safety, a regulated and connected state. Just notice for a few breaths. Inhale. Inhale through your nose. If comfortable, exhale slowly through your mouth or nose. Let the exhale be a little longer if it feels good. No forcing. Just observing how breath feels in your body. Now move to the jaw. Bring gentle attention to your jaw. Soften your eyes if they're open. Notice if your teeth are touching, if your jaw is clenched or if there's tightness around your mouth or cheeks, There is a nerve here that connects to your social engagement system. Ventral vagal tone shows up in a relaxed jaw. Subtle movements in the face. Easy swallowing. If there's clenching or holding, it might signal sympathetic readiness, bracing for fight or flight, if the jaw feels slack heavy or numb. That can link to dorsal collapse. Again, no judgment, just curiosity. If it feels tight, you can invite a tiny, slow release. Imagine warm water flowing over your jaw, or gently wiggle your jaw side to side, like saying no very softly. Then let it rest. Notice any shift. Let's shift attention to your shoulders. Are they lifted toward your ears? Hunched forward or dropped and wide? These accessory muscles kick in during sympathetic activation to keep your breath faster for action. To help you breathe faster for action. Think carrying the weight or preparing to push or pull away if they're high and tight, your system might be in mobilization mode if they're collapsed forward or feel heavy sunken, that could reflect dorsal protection if they're relaxed and back. That's often ventral ease. Breathe into them for a moment. On an exhale, imagine letting them melt a little farther from your ears. No pushing, just softening where possible. Now move to the center of your chest. Around your heart and breastbone, notice the quality here. Is your heart beating fast, pounding or fluttering, steady and calm, or slow and heavy? Your vagal tone often shows as a softer, more rhythmic heartbeat with room to expand on and heal. Sympathetic can make it quick or thumpy Dorsal shut down might feel constricted, numb, or distant, like the heart is far away. Place a hand here if it feels safe. Feel the warmth of your hand. Breathe into this space noticing if anything softens or opens even a tiny bit. Now we're gonna bring awareness to your belly and lower abdomen or your core. Is there any gripping, bracing, or sucking in, like holding everything together for protection or a sense of collapse, emptiness or heaviness? Like everything dropped. Protective Holding often ties to sympathetic. Your ready, fight or flight, your armor is on. Collapse or void can signal dorsal conserving energy or shutdown. A soft, neutral, or gently moving core might reflect ventral safety. Room for breath, digestion, or rest. Just notice. If there's tension, imagine breathing right into it, like warm light. If there's heaviness, allow it to be held by the surface beneath you. No need to fix. Finally, scan down into your legs, thighs, knees, calfs, feet. Do they feel ready to move, restless, jittery, or charged? That is your sympathetic, your flight energy ready to run? Or are your legs heavy laden, frozen, disconnected? This often feels like you can't move, or are you grounded, supported, alive with gentle sensation. This is safe to be here. Wiggle your toes or feet very slightly if that helps. Feel contact with the floor or surface. Notice if energy flows down or if it feels stuck now take a full breath and when you're ready, bring it all together. Notice the overall flavor of your nervous system right now. Are you mostly in the top rung, the ventral calm, connected, present state? Are you in the middle? You're sympathetic, which is activating or breaking point. Are you at the very bottom, your dorsal shut down or burnout, or are you shifting between. Remember this state is an immoral failing. It's your body doing its best to protect and survive. Bodies shift constantly, moment to moment just by noticing. With kindness, you've restored a bit of choice if you'd like. Name your state softly. Right now I'm noticing mostly that I am connected and calm. Mostly I am activated or at a breaking point or I'm in shutdown or burnout. That's awareness. That is power. Whenever you're ready, gently move fingers and toes. Stretch if it feels good, and open your eyes if closed. Carry this gentle noticing with you. It's a tool you can come back to anytime. As we close, I wanna remind you that you don't need to push yourself harder. You need to meet the state you're already in In the next episode, we'll focus specifically on burnout. What's actually happening in collapsed nervous system and why rest alone doesn't always bring relief. I'm so grateful you spent this time with me today, and I hope something here gave you support, clarity, or even a little bit of peace. If you'd like more conversations like this, I'd love for you to subscribe so you don't miss out on a future episode. Your support helps this podcast reach other autistic women and neurodivergent people who might be looking for a space like this too. If this episode responded with you, leaving a review is one of the most meaningful ways to support the show. And if there are topics you need help with, questions you want explored, or even what I'm talking about isn't quite what you're looking for, I truly wanna hear from you. You could connect with me on Instagram. My profile is linked in the show notes. And if you know someone who might benefit from today's episode, please feel free to share it., Sending you calm and compassion. Until next time.