The Myth of Independence (And Why It’s Costing High-Functioning Autistic Women Everything)

In episode eight of the Women Who Are Autistic New Year’s 2026 “careless era” series, Annelise shares a personal reflection (not advice) on the myth of independence for autistic women often labeled “high functioning.” She explains how the label can hide private suffering, reinforce masking, and create the belief that needing help means failure. The episode reframes “high functioning” as “high adaptation,” explores how late diagnosis and nervous system needs can intensify hyper-independence, and outlines the costs of doing everything alone—exhaustion, isolation, resentment, shutdowns, and repeated burnout. Annelise emphasizes interdependence and co-regulation as stabilizing and essential, not weakness, and offers gentle challenges to notice the “I’ll handle it alone” reflex, name capacity, share small needs with safe people, and try a simple connection exercise (“I want to know what you’re thinking. I want your honesty.”). She closes by reminding listeners they deserve love and support without performance, and invites them to connect via links in the show notes and Instagram DMs.

🤍 Coaching available for autistic & neurodivergent women ready for clarity, regulation, and self-trust.

Book a Discovery Call: https://calendly.com/blossomandthrivecoaching/30min

Instagram: @blossom.and.thrive.coaching

Transcript

Audio Only - All Participants 0:00

Hello everyone and welcome to the Women Who Are Autistic. The podcast where being different isn't just accepted, it's celebrated. I am Annelise your life, career, and financial coach, and I help autistic women build lives that feel aligned, meaningful, and unapologetically authentic. Each week we will explore neurodiversity, identity, work, money, and the messy magic of being human. If you are new here or not aware, this New Year's series for 2026 is all about being in a careless era. This is episode eight of the season. If you have not yet listened to the others, I encourage you to do so as each episode builds on the other. I want to say this gently. I'm not offering advice. I'm not telling you what you should or shouldn't do. I'm just sharing what I'm unlearning and relearning and what's helping me right now. Take what feels supportive, leave what doesn't, and if at any point listening feels like too much, you're allowed to pause, skip, or stop. Your nervous system gets to lead. Today we are diving into something that hits deep for many of us. The myth of independence, if you're a high functioning autistic woman or if that label has ever been applied to you, this episode is for you. We are going to unpack why independence isn't always the strength that's made out to be, and how clinging to it can quietly cost us our energy, our connections, and sometimes even our health. We will talk about masking, late diagnosis, nervous system realities, and that powerful reframe. High functioning doesn't mean low needs, it means high adaptation. If any of this feels familiar to you, grab your favorite sensory friendly beverage and get comfy. Let's dive in and rethink what's possible together. First, let's start with the label itself. Many of us were called high functioning because on the outside things looked well fine. We are verbally skilled. We do well academically or professionally. We can handle logistics like appointments and deadlines and socially? well we pass, but we pass because we mask. Here's what the label high functioning really often means for autistic woman. You can suffer privately without disrupting anyone because you've learned to push through sensory storms, script your way through conversations and present as fine. The world assumes your needs are minimal. You're seen as emotionally resilient. Independent by nature, the one who has it together. So independence isn't just expected. Over time, it gets internalized so deeply we start believing it ourselves. Many of us have carried this quiet belief like a second skin. If I need help, it means I'm failing. If I ask, I'll be too much. It's just better to handle it alone. And that belief, it hurts. It creates a profound loneliness, even in the middle of connection. It turns relationships, romantic friendships, family, into another place where we mask harder over accommodate, shrink our needs to keep the peace or withdraw when the exhaustion hits. We've learned to equate love with performance, support with weakness, and our own limits with burdens. If this stirs a tender ache, a wave of recognition, or even some grief for the years spent believing you had to earn belonging by never needing, that's valid. You're not dramatic for feeling it. You're not broken. This isn't a flaw in your character or your autism. It's a survival pattern shaped by a world that didn't see your neurology, didn't honor your depth of feeling and praised you for hiding the cost. You adapted extraordinarily because you had to. And that adaptation is proof of your resilience, your intelligence, your quiet strength. Yet, here's the compassionate truth we deserve to hold. Your needs are not too much. They are real, neurological and worthy of meeting. High functioning doesn't mean low needs, it means high adaptation. You've built incredible strategies to navigate a world not built for you Strategies that let you love deeply, show loyalty, bring honesty and passion to your relationships. That's not nothing. It's heroic. But heroism shouldn't be the ongoing price of basic care, rest, or authentic connection. In relationships, especially this myth can feel heaviest. Many autistic women, long for profound, honest intimacy, yet masking to be the easy partner drains us. Indirect cues confuse us and hyper independence keep us from voicing when we're overwhelmed. We've sometimes overgive shrunk ourselves or stayed longer than was safe because the desire for belonging is so strong. But you are allowed to want a partnership where your autistic self is welcomed, not tolerated, not fixed, but celebrated. Where directness is valued, sensory needs are respected and support flows both ways. You deserve co-regulation: that calm, shared safety where you don't have to carry everything alone. Support isn't weakness. For autistic nervous systems. It's often stabilization, essential for sustainability, not just survival. Asking for, it doesn't diminish your capability. It honors the full truth of who you are. So the myth itself, if I can do it alone, I should, has kept so many of us locked in masking. Prevented the authentic connection we crave, reinforced burnout cycles, and confused short-term performance with long-term thriving. The real freeing truth, you can be profoundly capable and still require and deserve support. Those are not opposites. You can be autistic, sensitive, intense, and deeply loving and need space, clarity, recovery time, and gentle co-regulation. Guys, this isn't failure. It's an invitation to unmask the independent script. One small, brave step at a time. If you're sitting with this right now, feeling seen, raw, hopeful, or anything in between, that's okay. I encourage you to embrace it. Let those feelings move through. You carried so much for so long and it's safe to set some of it down. Here's a challenge for you. I want you to start wherever it feels gentle. Maybe this starts when you notice I will handle it alone reflex rises and whisper to yourself with kindness. This is an old pattern. I get to choose differently now. Maybe the practice is naming your capacity, honestly even if it's just in a mirror or journaling it at first. Or maybe you need to reach out for one safe person, a partner, a friend, a therapist, or even an autistic community space, and share a tiny, real need. For example. I'm overstimulated can we pause? Or I need some quiet time to recharge so I can show up fully. Unmasking independence isn't about becoming dependent, it's about becoming honest with yourself and others. It's about building a life and relationships that are sustainable, nourishing, and true to your autistic self. For everyone listening to this, I want you to really, really hear this. You are worthy of love that doesn't require you to perform. You are worthy of support that matches the incredible adaptation. You've already shown the world. You're not alone in this, and you never need to be, and you've never had to be. And I know for some of us, this is really hard to hear and it brings up a lot of anxiety, a lot of pain. So as you're sitting in this, I want you to be gentle with your autistic heart. You've earned every bit of compassion, rest, and empowered connection coming your way. Masking isn't just hiding stems or forcing eye contact. It's scripting conversations in your head before they even happen. You're pre-planning every interaction. You're self-regulating alone in the bathroom during overwhelm. You're avoiding asking clarifying questions because you don't wanna seem incompetent. Over years. This builds a deep nervous system and belief it's safer to handle it myself. Not because we don't want support, but because support when we did reach for it often felt inconsistent, misattuned confusing, or even invalidating. People just didn't get it. They often minimized it or they got frustrated because we had too much of a need or we were too clingy or whatever it may be for you. So independence became a protection. It became a shield. Many of us learned this pattern early and guys it worked until it really didn't. It worked until the exhaustion set in and we could no longer bear the pressure to have everything put together in a nice package. This is because we were never meant to do life alone For some of us, we don't have those people around us, so I wanna offer my support. I truly believe everyone's story, everyone's truth matter, and you can find ways to get in touch with me and ways to get support in the links provided in the show notes For those of us diagnosed later in life. And there are so many of us, this pattern gets even stronger. We were praised for coping. When we melted down, we were told we are dramatic or too sensitive. We learned to solve our own problems because no one else seemed to understand them. Independence wasn't a personality trait. It was a survival in an environment that didn't recognize our neurology. If you were late diagnosed, this might resonate. Looking back, you see how much energy went into adapting to a world that wasn't built for you, and you did it alone. Here's the deeper layer, and this is where it gets really heavy. Autistic nervous systems often need more recovery time. We're more sensitive to stimulation, social context, burn energy faster. Ambiguous expectations feel like being dropped in an unfamiliar city with no map, no signs, and no one to ask for directions. Every step forward requires constant second guessing. But when we're hyper independent, we never delegate. We don't communicate our real capacity. We don't request accommodations. We minimize our own limits to keep the performance going. The cost keeps piling up: chronic exhaustion, isolation that looks like competence from the outside, resentment builds in relationships, repeated burnout cycles, emotional shutdowns. Now let's talk about why interdependence isn't optional For us, it's often essential. Many autistic women rely heavily on internal regulation. It's because we're good at it. It's how we've survived. But humans are wired for co-regulation. We regulate best through safe connection with others. When we're stuck in hyper independence, our nervous system stays in sympathetic activation, which sounds like I'll handle it myself. Also known as your fight and flight, or you're at dorsal collapse, which sounds like I'll withdraw and shut down and then I'll be fine. But when we allow interdependence that is asking for help, sharing the load, being honest about capacity, we can access ventral vagal safety. That state of calm connection where the world feels manageable. Support it isn't weakness for autistic nervous systems is often stabilization. It's what lets us sustain ourselves instead of just surviving. And here's a line that I think will land hard for many listening. High functioning doesn't mean low needs. It means high adaptation. You adapted incredibly. You built skills and strategies that let you navigate a world not designed for you. That's strength. Guys, please don't forget the bravery, courage, strength that you have to live in a world so different from your own. You should be very proud of the person you are because God knows I am! If we are honest with ourselves adaptation at that level comes at a cost though, and pretending the needs don't exist doesn't make them disappear. It just makes them invisible. Until the system crashes. So the myth really is this, if I can do it alone, I should for high functioning autistic women, that belief keeps masking locked in place, prevents authentic connection, reinforces those burnout cycles, confuses capability with sustainability. The real truth is simpler and more freeing. You can be capable and still require support. Those are not opposites. This isn't a flaw in you. It's a pattern many of us learned and patterns can change. I wanna leave with this challenge. It's a challenge my own life coach gave me. I want you to reach out to the people that you feel safest with. They don't have to know that you're autistic. Just that you are safe, and I want you to tell them, I wanna know what you're thinking. I want your honesty. And then ask them to do the same for you. And I know this might sound silly or simple, but it's an exercise where you can feel connected, but it's simple and it's not demanding. It also allows you to be interdependent with someone else. Just for a moment and I want you to journal how that made you feel and even try it with several other people or keep it with the same person. I want you to try it. Unmasking independence isn't about becoming dependent. It's about becoming honest about building a life that's sustainable, not just impressive. I wanna thank you for being here with me today. If this episode resonated, share it with someone who might need to hear it. And if you're ready to talk about this please don't hesitate to DM me in Instagram my link is in the show notes or send a message I'm reading everyone. Be gentle with yourself. You deserve support that matches your adaptation. Sending you calm and compassion. Until next time.