Episode #12-Self-Evaluation

In this episode, Greg explores the importance of self-evaluation and the role it plays in personal growth. He reflects on how the different areas of our lives—professional, personal, relationships, and volunteer efforts—are deeply interconnected and often overlap. While it’s valuable to honestly assess who we’ve become, Greg emphasizes that it’s even more important to cast a clear vision for who we want to be. By doing so, we create intentional direction, allowing for continued growth and forward progress in life. 

Transcript

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Welcome to this episode of Ponderings and Musings of an Ordinary Man. I'm your host, Greg Jacobs. Well, good day, folks. Uh, back for another Ponderings and Musings of an Ordinary Man uh podcast. Uh, this one is going to be on the topic of more self-evaluation. Uh, something we don't like to do. Sometimes we don't like uh looking at ourselves in the mirror and seeing who we are. Uh, but I would I would uh argue that it is a necessary requirement that we do from time to time. And when I say time to time, uh I tend to do it uh more on a daily or weekly basis, uh, honestly. Kind of to see how far I've come in life, where I want to be. Um, we used to hear people in business talk about you know the one-year, three-year, five-year, ten-year goals. Um yeah, I guess you could kind of relay it to that, uh, but more on a personal level. I think it's really a matter of personal development and growth. Uh, as you know, I have another podcast uh that runs parallel to this, uh Turning Grief into Growth, a journey of transformation. If you haven't listened to it, I encourage you to check it out. Um, this is probably going to deal more with my grief journey, just because that's who I am. But uh doing this on the other platform uh as well. So um I wrote an article recently um and submitted it to the TAPS magazine, which I have written about six uh articles for. Um, for those of you that don't know, TAPS is uh an organization, uh uh tragedy tragedy assistance program for survivors. It deals with uh any loss in the military um that basically reaches out to the loved ones and provides support, groups, um uh mentors, uh activities, all kinds of different things. So I'm very active with that group. I'm a mentor with them. Uh I've got my sixth mentee uh currently that I'm working on, or working with rather. Uh, and then uh my wife Amy and I are also uh uh TAPS care group uh leaders. Um so for those that don't know, I lost my son in an auto accident. Uh he was almost 22 years old, December 23rd of 2020, just to add some context. Um and something that I have been dealing with uh over the last five plus years, because it's been about five years and four months now, is how am I progressing along in life? Um, it's easy for people on the outside to say, hey man, you have come so far in your grief journey and you're looking good or whatever, but they also don't see me in my dark closet uh or just uh privately and uh some of the thoughts I wrestle with and different things. So what I did, uh for those of you that are watching this on YouTube, you'll be able to see this. For those on Apple or Spotify, you will not. Um, but what I'm doing is I'm holding up a four by six uh picture. And in this four by six picture, basically, um on the one side it shows me in a leather jacket uh with a very somber, uh depressed, um, sad look on my face. Uh it was the day of my son's funeral. Uh the one on the other side is me in a blue uh sport jacket, uh, Easter of 2026, uh, with more of a smile on my face. It's not to compare, you know, weight gain, weight loss, uh graying of hair, any of the actual physical attributes per se, other than the look on my face, the remorse, the sadness, the depression, things like that. Not that I don't still struggle uh with those items. So I would look in the mirror in the morning and I would have trouble um evaluating. It was the same person that I looked at every single day, uh constantly. Um so I decided to write an article about it. Um, I'm gonna go ahead and read that article uh for you and then uh just kind of break it down just a little bit. So the title of it's called The Boiling Point: Measuring Growth on the Grief Journey. Uh, as I said, this was submitted to the TAPS uh magazine for consideration. I don't know if they'll pick it up or not, but it's gonna be geared towards that, and you'll see some taps uh language and things in there. Uh so it starts off there is a well-known metaphor about a frog sitting in a pot of cool water. I apologize. Good old allergies in uh Kentucky in uh April. Uh, if you gradually turn up the heat, the frog will not jump out when the water reaches a rolling boil. It will perish uh because it fails to perceive the gradual deadly change. This metaphor serves as a stark warning about the insidious, creeping nature of traumatic grief. It illustrates how grief could slowly numb our senses, creating a dangerous and gradual adaptation to an unbearable new reality. On this grief journey, I've observed how difficult it can be to evaluate your own progress. Is there true growth or merely a dulling of the senses over time? Am I living to honor my loved one or simply coping to survive? While everyone has a unique and sometimes complex relationship with the person they lost, the struggle to measure our own healing is universal. The before and after. Recently, I found myself doing a personal self-evaluation. I was determined to look in the mirror and really stare at the man looking back at me. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to surmise much from the reflection. It was the same face that greets me when I wake up and when I brush my teeth at the end of the day. How could I determine how far I had actually come? Others alongside me have pointed out my progress, but I know from experience that I am my own worst critic. I found my answer one day while scrolling through Google photos. Looking at older pictures, I observed a profound sadness in myself. I didn't even have to check the dates. As anyone who has survived a traumatic loss knows, time is forever measured by a single defining moment. For me, life is split into BD and AD, before my son David died and after David died. As a TAPS mentor and care group leader, I frequently help others evaluate their progress. I am quick to affirm their growth, yet I remain skeptical when someone acknowledges the same in me. I realize I needed a tangible reminder. I decided to make a four by six photo collage of two pictures. On the left is a photo of me on the day of my son's funeral. On the right is a picture taken at Easter 2026. Today it sits front and center on my desk. I know most people do not want a daily reminder of the worst day of their lives, but being over five years out, it is necessary for me to acknowledge my own growth. It wasn't enough to have others affirm me. I need to look at those two photos and accept the emotional distance I have traveled and the wisdom I have attained along the way. Breaking the cycle. What happens if you look closely at your own journey and realize you haven't experienced positive growth or transformation? First, know that it is okay. The vital first step is simply evaluating, coming to grips with where you are. It is never too late, and there always has to be a starting point, even if you feel you have revisited that same point over and over. Many people describe their grief journey like the movie Groundhog Day. They wake up, endure a day that is miserable or blah at best, go to bed and start the exact same cycle the next morning. If you're stuck in that loop, here are a few ways to break the cycle. Let your emotions lead, but don't let them destroy you. It is natural to wonder how others are moving forward. Do they cry openly? Do they get angry? Do they express remorse for lost time? More importantly, do they grieve hard because they loved hard? Grief strikes everyone differently. Whether you are an emotional crier or someone who rarely sheds a tear, neither makes you more successful at grieving, provided you aren't purposefully suppressing your feelings. Put the work in. The work of grief might simply be getting out of bed. It means remaining functional for your family and your job. It means choosing not to practice avoidance, but instead staying in touch with your emotions. Be gentle and show yourself grace. We are all our own worst critics. If your self-evaluation reveals that you aren't yet the person you want to be, give yourself the grace to grow. Remember the old joke: how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. Keep moving forward one step at a time without fixating on how far away the finish line feels. Enlarge your vision and your resources. It is hard to grow if we say if we stay isolated in our immediate surroundings. Learn from those who are a little further down the road. Ask TAPS for a mentor. Join a TAPS care group or a grief share group at a local church. Listen to a grief podcast or read a book on navigating loss. There are incredible resources available to us. We do not need to spend our lives wallowing in the shared stories of our worst days. Instead, we can focus on the transformative power of growth emerging from the chrysalis like a butterfly. We don't have to be the frog stuck in a pot of boiling water. An exit has been made for you. It is up to you to jump out. So that is the article I wrote. To kind of break that down, I know that some of you listening might wonder why that is not on my uh grief podcast. Um, great question. Uh, we talk about this uh all the time on the grief podcast, Don and I. Um, I just wanted to jump on here and I wanted to record this because I think that it's very apropos for life in general. Um, from a spiritual perspective, in Judeo Christianity, uh, we throw terms out like justification, is that point in time of salvation as if it never was, is a legal term uh for justification. That is a point in time where you uh accepted Christ into your life as a Christian and you have been forgiven from your sins. Sanctification, uh, the Apostle Paul talks about, is that progressive journey of making us more into a Christ-like image. Uh, there are people out there that believe in instant sanctification. I'm not one that subscribes to that theology or doctrine. Um, I believe that it is progressive over our life. So, from a spiritual perspective, holding that picture back up again, trying to get that reflection off there, uh, I can honestly say that there is a progression in that picture. I could see from the day of David's funeral to a month ago or a couple weeks ago where I'm at. And I could tell a distinct difference of the growth. Sanctification, you should be able to as well, from a spiritual perspective. It should be a matter of um, are you able to see the fruit of the spirit in your life? Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, long suffering, self-control, all of those that are listed uh in Galatians. Are you able to experience and see that fruit of the spirit coming out in your life? Are you less in love with the things of the world today than you were six months ago, a year ago, three years ago, five years ago on? Um, it doesn't mean that we don't still have uh pitfalls and things that we trip over and sin. Um, we do not live a sinless life. Is that the goal? Absolutely. Um, but there's still going to be um areas that we're going to um encounter pitfalls. With that, I kind of look at it like an EKG. You've got this up and down motion on EKG. Um, it's it's linear and going straight across versus sanctification. You have this up and down that's a gradual increase uh going up and down. It doesn't mean that there's not going to be days that you're gonna have two steps forward and the next day one step back, or one step forward and two steps back. Um, it just really varies. Um, but I do feel it's important for self-evaluation to really keep uh a pulse on where you are spiritually. So that leads us to interpersonal relationships, uh, is another area and topic of self-evaluation. Uh it could be a marriage, uh, it could be a relationship, um, it could be a friendship, uh, you could be um, you know, father, son, mother, daughter, brother, sister, uh, relationship with siblings, and to take a self-evaluation there as well, to say, okay, how am I progressing in my relationship with this other person? How are my interpersonal relationship skills being honed so that it's not all about me and I could serve others? Uh, I could put others before myself. I can show love and express love and not selfishness. Um, so I feel like that's very important to be able to evaluate uh as well. And then, of course, you could always uh look at work, um, our occupation, our career, our work, uh, as well as volunteerism uh that we do. Um, how is that progressing? How are you seeing growth in that? Um, most corporations incorporate like one-on-ones with managers or an annual evaluation or a mid-year evaluation that you have to do. Uh, I will honestly say I've always found them to be fluff and something you just put on paper and not something that most people actually manage to or are cognizant of during the year. Uh, with that being said, I do think it's important to have goals and to have plans. Uh usually when I get up in the morning, uh I know exactly what I want to accomplish for the day on a professional level. Um I usually accomplish all that, usually don't have to carry it over to the next day. My to-do list is not flooding over. Um, and I uh maintain capacity uh in that regard. So I think that that's a huge callout that we need to make sure that we are not over capacity. We are not so stressed that um I you know I've talked to a lot of people through life and they've said that, well, all of my work is done during the day, and then my family time is my family time when I get home. And to that, I say that's awesome. Uh your fuel tank only holds so much fuel. Um, so you can be going in the office at 6, 7 a.m. in the morning and say you're home by 5, 6 p.m., but then you have no fuel left because you've expelled it all during the day. So it is crucial and important that when you're doing a self-evaluation, that you are also looking at how much fuel do I have left in my tank and how can I make sure that I'm reserving enough for my family and the time with them in the evenings and the weekends. Um, don't be on your phone all the time. Don't be, you know, constantly working uh on the weekends. Make sure that you segregate uh time and that this is work time and then this is going to be home time. Uh, there's a lot of overlap in American society that uh needs to really be evaluated uh because it uh impedes on uh personal time. So, how do you get to that self-evaluation? Uh, you know, it's really not as simple as looking in the mirror. Um, it's it's more complex than that. And I think it really comes down to just kind of evaluating those different areas I talked about professional life, um, personal life, spiritual life, if there's a carve-out for that, like my grief journey encompasses my spiritual, my professional, and my personal. It's it's all overarching. So sometimes you can't parse out the different aspects of the self-evaluation. Um, obviously, if you're looking at objectives and key results or key performance indicators from a Fortune 500, you know, corporate perspective, that's not gonna uh come into your personal life at home. Um, but with that being said, certain things will, such as grief journey is overall encompassing for me in all areas of my life. So, what I've started doing is I've started just talking about my journey overall, not grief journey, not spiritual journey, not physical, you know, journey, going to the gym or walking three miles a day or whatever. But excuse me, this is my journey. Uh, this is what I am setting out to try to accomplish. Um, I have a goal of setting out trying to do 6,000 steps a day. Usually it's about 2.75 miles uh with 6,000 steps. I go down to the cemetery and uh I just walk. Uh, I love the cemetery just because there's not that many people down there and the roads are uh intertwining and up and down and hills, and and uh it constantly keeps me uh different uh levels as far as some are uh flat, some are inclined. Um so I guess continue to put a goal out for yourself in life, um, and try to look at it as just a self-evaluation of life on this journey you're on. Try not to just uh parse it out necessarily as well, I'm just only gonna work on this area or I'm only gonna work on this area. Do they overlap? Yes, because it's your journey. Um, but I just wanted to come on, I wanted to record this podcast because I really do believe that we've gotten away from self-evaluation, we've gotten away from self-care when it comes to having me time. That's not a selfish thing, um, and being able to recharge our batteries and to make sure that we are fulfilling that vision and that growth in our life and the capacity of which we want to be able to do that. So uh appreciate you listening. If you like this podcast, please share it. Thank you so much for taking time out of your day to listen to ponderings and musings of an ordinary man. I hope today's episode brought you a bit of inspiration. If you've enjoyed it, please remember to follow, like, or subscribe on your favorite platform so you never miss what's coming next. I can't wait to share future episodes with you. Until next time.