Bob and Weave — Friendship That Stays

Episode 13 is a powerful conversation with Jeremy and Lacey Combs about grief, friendship, truth, and the people who stay when life gets heavy.
🎵 Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/purpose-in-the-pain/id1866616325
🎵 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/2cqi1YmIAdLJfc6asLaFQU

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Although the original video was damaged, an extensive recovery process allowed us to restore it to a condition we could share. We are grateful to finally bring you episode 13, the third part of our interview with Jeremy and Lacey Coast.

SPEAKER_05 0:16

You gotta take those things that you learn in these breeds. You gotta break it. Oh, don't you dare that's how I feel. I honestly feel like I was not worthy enough to to be your friend. Because what in the world could I offer? Oh my god. What can I offer you that would heal this place in you?

SPEAKER_09 1:07

That's real. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_05 1:11

Now we get angry sometimes. You can ask Tony, I would come home from church, and I would get angry sometimes because I'm like, people just say things so flippantly. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_03 1:21

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_05 1:23

And they don't stop and think about the weight of what they're saying or the impact in somebody's life. And so there were there were times when I would just be so angry, but that's truly how that's truly how I felt. Like I didn't feel like that I was worthy enough to be the friend that he needed. But I'm so thankful that um that he has allowed he has allowed that. And that um sometimes it's funny, sometimes it's not, sometimes it's you know, it's whatever we're just gonna bob and weave through it. You know, bob and weave, bob and weave. And you gotta take those, you gotta take those things that you learned in the streets, and you gotta bring them through it sometimes. You do, you got to put that hood in it sometimes.

SPEAKER_06 2:15

You gotta the hood in your holy because when you've walked through things that we've walked through in life, and I know some of ours are similar and some are a lot different, right? But your rawness and the in your face, and I'm not scared to tell you exactly what you need to hear, and you knew you were being backed by the Holy Spirit in it, and that I wasn't gonna come at you sideways because you said something that may offend me in that moment. But your truth and the realness in a lot of the things that you've said to me are why the friendship has to stay. Because some people need that. I don't need somebody patting my back and telling me it's gonna be okay. I need somebody to tell me you need to get up and stall because you know this isn't of God, you need to quit. Right. And you were able to do that, but you did it with love, and you did it even in in some parts of my life, you did it in the non-understanding. I don't understand this part of your life, I don't understand why these things happen, but I understand the Holy Spirit, and that speaks a lot more than you know it does.

SPEAKER_09 3:22

Yeah, you know right, not letting go.

SPEAKER_06 3:27

Well, no, because I was that cutie little holding on for dear life trying to find air to breathe.

SPEAKER_09 3:31

You've been able to pass, I mean, it it it's like there's not nothing there. It's just that you're able to see each other for something different than what what you're doing.

SPEAKER_06 3:42

Well, when you're sitting in a com let me just break that down. When you're sitting in a complete turm turmoil in what I was going through, and the first time we sat down at a dinner table, it was some little cafe. I don't even remember, it was in Brian College Station, I do remember that. Yeah, we had just left Steel Creek. Yes, we did. Yeah, that's true. And I mean, yeah, we had this morning. Yes, we had a little bit of friendship, but it didn't matter how much I poured out the angry part of that, the hurt, the lost, every, every, what do you call it, every feeling and emotion of that, you sat, you never got up and walked away, you never said this is too much, you never said, Well, I don't understand. We're we're just gonna move to the next thing.

SPEAKER_05 4:24

But is that something that you encountered a lot though? Because like to me, that sounds like who would do that? Like who would just get up and walk away and say, This is too much for me, or this this friendship's too much for me, or you've gone through way too much. I can't, I can't sit with you in this. Like, so to me, that just is so I'm assuming since you said that that that had happened, and in my mind, I can't imagine that somebody would be like, what you've gone through is is so um lack of a better term, horrendous, that I can't sit in the pain with you. That is mind-blowing to me that someone would say that.

SPEAKER_04 5:04

Well, people people do.

SPEAKER_06 5:06

People do, family do. Family does. I'm talking like way back when, but yeah, right. No, they do.

SPEAKER_04 5:11

People do that.

SPEAKER_06 5:12

And to have realness to stand beside you, and even a brother to just pick up the phone and say, Hey, I'm thinking about you, or you're not out here on a limb by yourself. Because everybody thinks about the mom. Right. Everybody thinks about the mom, but they forget about the siblings and the dad. Right. But even you would be like, Hey, how's Jeremy? How are the kids doing? But yes, people do get up and walk away and they say, This is just too much to deal with. This is he knows, am I right? People will tell you this is too much. Oh, and I want to hear about this part of it, but I don't want to hear this part of it. I don't want to see the pictures, I don't want to hear the rawness, I don't want to hear the times that you literally fell on your face and just said, You need to replace me, you need to do something now because I won't make it through this. No. Nobody wants to hear those parts. And that's but you did. Yeah. And you would still sit and listen to it over and over again if I needed you to.

SPEAKER_09 6:00

The whole picture.

SPEAKER_06 6:01

That's right.

SPEAKER_09 6:02

I mean, and it's and it's something that we did learn, like you know, like with Steel Creek, uh, was the fact that we're c we we were coming in the middle of their story. Right. I mean, throwing caution to windows. It hasn't always been beautiful.

SPEAKER_06 6:21

There's it's been, yeah, you know, but I am quick to say I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_02 6:29

Yeah, that that deal at Steel Creek. I don't know what all God was working through for y'all, but um to the audience, Steel Creek is uh it is a boarding school for at-risk youth. They live there at the ranch in a home setting with home parents. It's a husband and wife. There's usually the boys of one age of a certain age are grouped together, and younger boys are grouped together. Live there in a home setting, have meals. The I the objective there is to teach those those youth about Jesus, give them an education, give them work ethic. Well, Jeremy and Lacey went there and were house parents for a year. And it was interesting how all that played out, which is a whole big story, but the fact that God y'all had been through everything you'd been through, you know, because we're talking about children from abuse, children from neglect, uh, or children from some other just tough situation. They're they're um they go there. And for everything that y'all had been through, then y'all, y'all are there as house parents trying to lead these young people through that. I know that y'all made some really deep connections with some of the kids there. We did. And but I think that there was something that God was trying to just now hit me. You know how God keeps taking you back to a deal to make you deal with it. And you know, maybe that was part of it. I don't know, but I know that y'all are still kind of unraveling that.

SPEAKER_06 8:05

We are. Um I've honestly when we first went, I was like, well, we're well, she was like, What do you're crazy? I wouldn't. No, I have always, always, always had a love for kids. I really have. And I think that's because of that stems from my childhood and what I mean, and I say this all the time, the way that my mom wasn't there. Like I was left to be the adult or left with my little sisters, and I mean with my two older sisters, and just the way that my dad was kind of in and out so much. And I think that's where I stem from on just the love for kids, the love for that atmosphere. Because I I want them to know what the love that neither one of us had, you know. Right. You can be disciplined without being beat, you can be um loved by a mother without being tramped out, you can be um just I probably I know that was a little deep. That's real. That's what it's real. That's what it's I mean. And being there, and also I I I thought initially that I was going there for healing from the loss. I really did. I thought, okay, I I don't really want to do this, but I love kids, so what are we doing here? Because and I was the one that was led immediately to that after we had all talked about it, and everybody else was like, What are you doing? Um, even our family, and which their opinions don't matter much, but I really did like no, I mean it really was because they knew like we were still broken. I was still broken, and I was like, I'm I'm learning still how to be, and people don't realize in loss like that, you have to you really have to navigate. Like, how do how am I supposed to be a mom to even our three biological kids after something like that? Because now I'm scared. I don't want to get that close to them. I don't want to be overboard because if I do and something happens, it's gonna hurt me worse than this is. You know, you it's that reality, the fear and survival. And so I I went into it what I mean, I thought I was pretty closed off and I was just gonna be that parent, but absolutely not. I mean, those boys, when you walk into something like that and you're sitting and you realize and you're so guarded, so so guarded, and you realize, okay, they have been through A, B, and C by a female, but they want nothing to do with they do, they uh they're all about the the male in the home at the time, and some weren't, and some it was opposites. And then all of a sudden, halfway through, their guard is just broken and they have a bad day at school, or their parent calls and upsets them, and they they want you. They don't want, they don't want these people that have been there in their lives the whole time that they've been there, the people they know, like without a doubt, they can go and trust. But God lets you see that little glimpse of you're you weren't at fault for this, and you're okay, and this child loves you, and now they need you. And I need for you to let that guard down because you're gonna show them to let theirs down a little more. I don't there's I can't even put it into words, but even now we have been gone for almost two years.

SPEAKER_02 11:18

Wow, has it been that long?

SPEAKER_06 11:20

Or maybe a year.

SPEAKER_02 11:22

Pretty close.

SPEAKER_06 11:23

No, it has been a year. It's a year. This this month and just a couple of days. But we have the one that graduated that still reaches out. We have the other one that just graduated that reaches out all the time. I was able to mentor, still don't know what God's doing in that one because that's still being processed. But one of the girls that was there that it happened to leave that went through a different program, and now God just continues to bring me back to that you're worthy, you're worthy, you're worthy, you're enough, you're enough, you're enough. And that's something I've struggled with. Right. Even before the loss was just not feeling worthy enough because I can't seem to get it together. Right. I can't seem to let go of bitterness or just different, I don't know, there's different things to navigate through, and I'm still trying to learn how because I wasn't raised in church. I mean, I got to go to church with aunts and uncles, but when you left the aunt was in the backseat and you were in the front with the uncle that let his hands roam. I mean, right, that's not the kind of church you should be raised in. Right. So I wasn't really I didn't have the background Jeremy had. I didn't have the church life, and the church life I did have was play in church. So I'm still navigating and learning how to be a godly mom, a godly wife, a godly everything. I don't really know. I mean, but I think I've made we've made God has really showed up in a lot of ways. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_09 12:47

Well, I say we were kind of taught to play church. But it wasn't later till li, you know, later on in our lives that we were actually learning how to be the church. The church. Right. And and you know, when you get set free from the whole religious aspect of Christianity, yeah. You know, because being a Christian, it's not a religion, it's a it's a it's a lifestyle. It's a it's it's a relationship with Jesus. Relationship. You know, and intimate. I can't help it. I mean that's kind of one of the biggest problems of the world now is just so much religion has pushed so many folk out in the streets, and and everybody's like, no, you gotta do it this way. You know, Jesus said just believe in me.

SPEAKER_05 13:39

Right.

SPEAKER_09 13:40

Just let me in your life, let me take over.

SPEAKER_05 13:42

Right, surrender.

SPEAKER_09 13:43

Yes, surrender. Right. Give her a lot of people. We we have a hard time surrendering. That's all you need. Right.

SPEAKER_05 13:48

But that and that goes back to what I said earlier. We take the simplicity out of it, we make it so hard. Hard, yep, and make it so complicated. Yeah, when you said that, I felt it just like slacking again. That's not what yes, we live in this earth and we're gonna have to overcome things, and we're gonna go through things that we wish we would never have to go through, and we're gonna have to feel things we wish we would never have to feel, but nonetheless, he is still there with us, and it should be just as simple as taking his hand and walking with him, yeah, you know, through through this. And and that's something that I'm learning because of the way that I grew up is you know, learning grace and and learning how to um have that relationship with him that doesn't have the boundaries that everybody says that it yeah that it had to have.

SPEAKER_02 14:35

Yeah, you know what, talking about church, and I'm gonna unpack some stuff here. And you know, for them to come through that, we may not get to that today. That's part of the onion. Oh, you're good. That's part of the onion. But what just triggered for me was you made a statement just now that you're on your way to church and you're in the backseat with an uncle, right? That's his hands. Hands. So I'm thinking that it immediately hit me, you're on your way to church and this is happening. And how does subconsciously you relate that with God or that with church because they're intermingled.

SPEAKER_07 15:25

Right.

SPEAKER_02 15:26

And um, I would imagine you were young when that happened. So some of that stuff happens. Then we go fast forward and you you suffer that loss, and some of the things that people told you from church were so incredibly hurtful. So, and I think that a lot of people deal with that. That they deal with we call we call it church hurt, but you experienced severe trauma and abuse that commingled with the church and how you overcome that and unpack that and find your way back to a relationship with Jesus. Right. And this just comes to mind too, and then I'm gonna shut up and let you talk. No, you're good. But it's just like the the the man that was um disabled couldn't walk, that was leaning against the door beautiful. That Peter and uh Andrew or Peter and John was Peter and his friend. Yeah, that that they he reached out for alms and they say, you know, money I have none, but what I do have you, I give you in the name of Jesus, stand up and walk. You're you were leaning against the door beautiful the whole time, but you never really experienced that relationship with him until recently, I think, right? And now you have people reaching out and say, I I don't have what you need, what you're asking for, but I do have. Stand up and walk. And you're in that stance, in that place right now where you're standing, you're learning how to stand up and walk. Yes. And you turn towards him and you're walking through the door now. So I'm gonna shut up and I'm gonna let y'all unpack that a little bit.

SPEAKER_09 17:18

Well, the thing about that is I don't relay it to his loss. Because the only way you lose something if you don't know where it's at.

SPEAKER_05 17:28

Absolutely. I was so glad that you said that because I was gonna say, you know where they are. When you know where they are, you didn't lose anything.

SPEAKER_09 17:34

You didn't lose anything. He's at my father's house.

SPEAKER_05 17:36

Exactly.

SPEAKER_09 17:37

And you know, and I expressed that to a lot, you know, even to uh a couple ladies at um they did this uh thing for at uh for the kids at you know children's and we went to and and I and I just said it, and that was the first time I said that, and it and I punched myself in the face for it with it, you know, like because I'm like, wow, I didn't lose. I didn't lose.

SPEAKER_05 18:02

I think we also're absolutely right.

SPEAKER_09 18:07

And so this it's like the thing and and I guess because a lot of me is is g during the time during the transition and hearing you know, hearing him praying. You know, he's talking to God this whole time this this trip. And this is before you know I mean just break that down.

unknown 18:30

You're in the helicopter.

SPEAKER_09 18:31

We're in the helicopter on the lots of children's and wow. And so he's praying. He's he's talking to God and and he's uh and and I under you know, and so we're through all this process and and pray and and you know you do get you get this all the time. And there's when you're going through something like that, there's gonna be people that's gonna shake your faith. Yeah. There's people that you're gonna be pulled in so many different directions. Uh your mind's gonna go in so many directions, and I know mine did. I know mine did. I was I was running around l like a chicken with my head cut off. Like I I don't understand it. I was trying to brave it, you know, even through doing videos and and the video the whole Bubba Strong uh page, it didn't really it it kicked off by what accident because you know during that time, yeah, it's COVID time.

SPEAKER_06 19:28

Right. So you're trying to update everybody.

SPEAKER_09 19:31

Family wasn't able to come up, so and and so it was just me and her. Not even the siblings. And we spent what all that time we were we we stayed in the the uh consult room. That was that's where we slept stayed, and and so during you know, during that time we had to update what's going on, so we would do a video, and it was just we did it just so that the family could be able to see it. Right. And then before you know it, we have people talking about man, I'm praying and I've never prayed before. From Africa, from China, from overseas, from and so and over 3,500 people. And I don't know what it I I haven't seen what it was what it is, but and I and I know we haven't been on there quite a bit since, but we do actually have people will post stuff on there for the followers to you know, like pray for kids and stuff like that. But and so so that was just that. I mean, and that was one thing I saw was a m uh was a it was a prayer movement. You know, people praying and people coming to God, talking to God like it's never believed. And I've I mean there was some that even didn't mean even believe in God or anything, you know, kind of atheist kind of thing. But never it and and they reached out and how this how they changed and you know, it's and I hate the fact that it takes a a tra a tragedy to really grab a hold of people, you know, and change and and get them to really thinking about stuff. And we had one and and there was I know and you know and I really believe that God was working on us at that time, we just didn't see it. And he was holding us at a time that we didn't see it or feel it.

SPEAKER_07 21:19

Right.

SPEAKER_09 21:20

And and I know for her, I can't s I can't say for her what what she was like or what she felt like. I know it for me, I know I just know where my heart was. And I know what and I and I knew that I had no matter what, I had to trust God that He's in control, right and I didn't want to fight Him. Absolutely because see, I'm still trying to get to where He's going to And so I'm praying and one night um it's three o'clock in the morning I had this vision and I had this dream and I woke up. Up and God told me, He said, I want you anointing your son. So, man, I drove I didn't have like anointing.

SPEAKER_06 22:08

That was because he wouldn't wake up.

SPEAKER_09 22:10

Because he wouldn't wake up. Or he, you know, and so you thought he was I went. So I went down the road and found I got went and got what I needed and came back and had the I had it in my pocket. So I stick my finger down in there. Did you have you some little olive oil? Yeah. But anyway, so I I started I I mean, you know, I just anointed him and and and and started praying and and holding his hand and talking to God and and well see what you didn't realize I didn't know at that time I was preparing. And then I started thinking about the alabaster jar. Right. You know, afterwards, not during this time, but after everything. He starts revealing these things like the steps, what he did for me, and how he guided me and how he helped me. And so I you know, I was anointing him and and and praying, and and and then that that next night I had a dream that Bubba was out of his and he was running out of his body and he was running all over the place. I mean, just like just and and and you have to know Bubba to understand him being, you know, bounce around everywhere. But there's an experience. I'm free.

SPEAKER_08 23:29

KK. Yeah.

SPEAKER_09 23:30

I'm free. And and and then and then he, you know, and then and then I had this other vision and then this dream that he's like, I'm locked, I'm stuck. You know, because he couldn't move. He couldn't, you know, there's there's no is no worries. He's and then and then after that there was another one that was where he had gone and talked to this little boy. And they were trying to call this little boy up. And and then Bobby said, No, I'll go in your place. You can go spend some time with your family. And that and then it was just that next day when we had to go in the room and have a conversation and and things and and but you know, and that was a tough thing for me. Um but I think the thing that caught me was the day that and I and I talked to my past the uh pastor Mark Jones. He's been a mentor for me since oh three. And see, he he went through kind of the same thing, you know, watching your son just fade away into the arms of Jesus. And so he he helped me through a lot of that, you know, like because I'm like, Lord, I and I caught him up that night, and you know, I'm I praise God for somebody that's willing to pick up the phone and no matter what time it is and talk to you, and he did. And and I the thing I love about Pastor Mark is the fact that he's I'm gonna tell you like it is in the most sweetest, gentle way, and I'm gonna step on your toes and it's not even gonna hurt. He's so gentle with it, and but it but it's true, and but anyway, he helped me, and I I was like, I said I just have this urging my this thing in my spirit that you know God give him to me, that I need to give him to him. And and so I you know, I called him up and he, you know, he coached me too. He said, just follow, you know, he's kind of just following your heart and and just listen to what the Holy Spirit's telling you. So we gathered around and praying for him, you know, during this time and is at that time. So we were praying, and and it's just all of a sudden that room, and this is being talked about still today, is that that room, it got so bright. I mean, it literally looked like the finger of God just came down in that way in in through that in that room and then just just it just faded out. And for me, I think that that's one of the parts where I I know that it it settled my daddy heart. Because you know, the thing as a parent, that's that's the thing we need to be focused on the most is making sure they can get to get to Jesus. You know, that they're that they know Jesus, the love of Jesus and you know, of Christ and and and and then witnessing that and seeing that, and then at that moment I'm thinking Did I just see that?

SPEAKER_07 26:56

Right.

SPEAKER_09 26:56

And then I found out I wasn't the only one that seen that. Um everybody's seen it, other than her. She was, of course, she's mama, I'm she's I know you know, you can understand that where she's at. And even in the kids, they were like just you know, just they were shocked because of what we just seen. And then just all of a sudden, just the whole room just went silent, just quiet. And the guy that was uh he was our EGMO doctor, and he was turned around fake because he was upset. You know, there was a lot of things that was he was upset. And so he turned and he was looking out the window. And this is a big, big window, and like the whole thing is just anyway. He's looking out the window, he said, he said, it just got bright in here. He said, I felt something, it felt cold, but then it felt hot. And then just it was just gone. I'm like, but it it really did an impact. Like God, I mean, Lord, this is this is why I really fell into God and fell in a f on on my face with God is that you know when you really see the power of God and you actually see that move, it it changes your whole your whole life of the way you see God. And and I I felt that, I seen that, we seen that. One girl, one lady, she was, she used to be at that moment, at that moment in time, she was a Buddhist. She's no longer a Buddhist.

SPEAKER_05 28:37

Wow.

SPEAKER_09 28:39

God came in. And and I and I praise God that that he was able to show me, that I was able to be able to see. I still don't understand. I'll never understand. Right. That's one thing, but I know I've just got to trust God and trust that he has my every best interest at heart. Absolutely. And yeah.

SPEAKER_02 29:09

I know there's been like up and down times for y'all, you know, going through this where there's times that you know y'all are probably not on the same page, and then there's times that y'all are, and there's times that you're on you're on the mountain, and there's times that you're in the valley dealing with that, but it's sounds like when you need it, he's given you encouragement. My grace is sufficient. And so he comes in at the right time and gives you that hope or that remembrance of things like that to keep you pushing forward.

SPEAKER_09 29:46

Well, and that's the thing, we we never prepare for it. You know, and you know, I've I've had those, yeah, and especially with kids. Kids is it's it's I'm telling you, it's there's no word to explain it. You know, you lose your mom and dad, you're an orphan. Right. You lose your husband or your wife, you're a widow. There's nothing for a kid. You know, and and it's and and you and it's something you just do not prepare yourself for. I don't care how long they've been going through something, you're still not prepared for it, you're not ready for that. But the thing is, but the greatest thing we can do is make sure that they have Jesus. Right. Make sure that they're on the on the on the right side of Jesus. Make sure that your grandkids know if somebody doesn't tell them, you tell them. You know, if we're your grandparent or your some tell them about Jesus.

SPEAKER_08 30:44

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_09 30:44

Let them know that he is real and that you know that there is a place that you need to try to get to, you know, and that's heaven. And it it's not easy. It's really not easy. That cross gets heavy. You know, it does, it does get heavy, it gets very heavy, and there's times we've said and and um, you know, you you you get those uh what ifs. Right. And that's the hard ones that hit you, is the what ifs. And uh, and then you start getting the the anger part. And and there was times that I had to just walk away from even family because they would say things like, Well, it was just this time, or um, or that and and those things that earth they hit me like no. You know, it's just those little things, and and it's the littlest things that would just make you so mad and angry, you know, and and or you know, and had to couple, it was like I don't see how you're still talking to God.

SPEAKER_07 31:47

Right.

SPEAKER_09 31:48

Like, you know, and you you know, it just even though they don't know, but I still had to walk, you know, I still walk away because that's you know, it's something I can't deal with and I'm not gonna mess with that. I mean, I know I gotta be fa I gotta stay focused on God. Right.

SPEAKER_06 32:06

But that was then, and now they can ask that question and we can sit and say because yes, and we can give an explanation, right?

SPEAKER_02 32:14

And it took you a while to get there. It does.

SPEAKER_06 32:18

Five years in November, yeah. Five years in the state.

SPEAKER_09 32:20

But it's still fresh. Right. And then it's five years later, going on five years, and it's still fresh, it still feels fresh.

SPEAKER_06 32:26

To some it's fresh. To some for a dad, it's fresh. For me, it feels like it's been 40 or 50 years since I've seen my son. I mean, that's that's realistic for me. For him, it's a little more fresh. For the kids, it's still very fresh.

SPEAKER_09 32:39

But God has a way of giving you sometimes he gives you those little dreams or those little things uh to make you you know to keep you uh thinking about them, you know.

SPEAKER_02 32:49

Like if I have that they're still you went into man mode and Sek just all right, I'm gonna put this over here for right now. Yeah. I'm gonna go back to doing this. And now God's like Yeah. No, you're gonna deal with this. Yeah. Where you you you processed a lot of it at the time, not to say that you were over that, but but yes, yeah, we were I processed the re Jeremy was, in my opinion, he was I've gotta hold her together.

SPEAKER_06 33:25

And I'm gonna back it up even a little more than that because we both also knew from the beginning where we didn't want to be. Because I have an older sister who suffered child loss with her her firstborn son. He was nine years old and it was a horrific traffic act or tractor accident. Um I won't put names, but their life went to hell in a handbasket. I mean, their marriage ended, the other three kids suffered. Um, both parents at some point, and I really don't want to put all their business out there, but at some point, um, both of the parents had ended up in prison. And I watched what I thought was I mean, you're talking about a sister that took my place with uncles that took my place, you know, in so many different ways in life, you know, to make my life better. And to watch her go through that and fall so fast. And don't get me wrong, there is no judgment, absolutely not, because I don't know how many times I've looked and said, I just need to go down that dark rabbit hole because I don't want to feel right now. I don't want to feel, I want to be numb. I don't cut it off, just stop. Whatever you have to do, make me numb. Um, and unfortunately, I was never not unfortunately, I was fortunate enough that I was never surrounded by the things that could make me feel that way. There was never one gop of the fear of medicine in me that I can't take medicine because it it's too much, and it I'm scared of what it'll do to me. So I didn't have that. Um, drugs were never okay. Like I just I'm so scared of everything like that. So, but I watched her Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 34:59

Well, you watched her effects of those things.

SPEAKER_06 35:01

Yeah, so I watched her go through this, and that was something sitting in that consult room after they had told us that before we had to go and tell our kids what was fixing to happen. Um we had that conversation, and I just told him, I was like, I I don't think I can do this. Um I can't. And he said, we have to, and we're going to because we're not like everybody else that we've watched go through this. You know, we we do have God. And I was at the very beginning stages of my walk with him, and there were so many different emotions. Um some of them, there's not even a word for it. But we instilled that into our kids in that room that day also, of we're not gonna go down that rabbit hole. And you're right, he did. He he set it to the side, and it was, I've known the Lord, I know his grace, I know he'll give me strength, and I don't know if God told him, hey, I'm gonna give you all this that you need to deal with your family and get them through it. But he did in so many different ways, and even in shielding us when, you know, before we would go places, we had so many, like he would just say, Hey, somebody's gonna say this. It was like God was telling him, hey, somebody's gonna say this, and you've got to make sure she doesn't grab a hold of it because it's gonna turn her real fast. So he spent all this time, but while he was doing that, and again, he was in a truck, so he had a lot of alone time, just him and God talking about it. And I don't know all the emotions. He's not a private person with me, but he did keep and I think God knew he needed to for a little bit. Because if you gave me a little bit in that moment of time that I was trying to get through that part of my life, I would have ran with it real far, and not in a good way. But yes, there is healing. Yes, there is. There's times that I still there's times that I can talk about it, and there's times that I still can't. There's times that revelation in a word simply will set you off in such a good way. Um but it's it's real, it's raw, it's emotional, it's you never know. And that's where I said my survival. I'm not I'm not surviving to breathe. I'm not surviving to love my kids, I'm not surviving to love my husband, I'm not surviving to love myself. That's the biggest part. Because I can't go there. But that part is the biggest part, learning to love myself. And that's where I said Steel Creek came in really big with those kids, with those boys, because the you're worthy. You're not crazy, you're not, you're not not spiritual enough. Because loving yourself after a blame after, and it's not not really a lot of people say that you blame yourself, you blame her. No, I really don't because what happened to him, I can't, there's nothing I could have done to stop that. That's a fleshly body, that's a human body, there's there's nothing I could have done. There's no faster moment, there's no faster medication, there's nothing that I could have done to stop it, or anybody else for that matter. But learning to love again wholeheartedly and learning to, as a married couple, to say, hey, you seen this, but I didn't. You didn't feel this, but I did, or you felt this, but I didn't. And to go, and we're still learning that today. Um, I'm just gonna throw it out there. You and I were having a conversation in that restaurant the other night sitting there, and I have no, I still don't even remember where how we got there. But the word relieved came up. And you told me you don't have to tell him right now. Maybe call him later and tell him after you prayed about it. No, I agree. But then my absolute best friend, like, I needed solace because I you remember we said I left, the Holy Spirit said, You don't need to wait, just call him. And I was like, mm-mm, I ain't doing that. Right. Sorry. I didn't even make it out of the parking lot though, and I called him and I said, and it took me from there all the way to my house to get it out, and I just said, Hey, we're gonna do this thing, but there's things coming out of my mouth that I don't understand, and right now I feel really guilty for what I said, and I don't even he was just like, Okay, spit it out. He's like, It's fine. You're and again he said, You're safe. Right. And that's important. It is to feel safe. And I know I probably haven't always made him feel safe because you know that the side that has to be in your face and just nothing's gonna hurt me, nobody's gonna. Yes, yeah. So the word relieved came up, and that was so hard, but it was realistic, and it wasn't, and so many people can take that and run with it, and that'll just have to be a I'm in your face now moment if they decide to run that way. But he didn't, and he understood, and he helped me to break that word down of I'm not relieved, good God, that he's not here. I'm relieved that that dream of mama, I'm stuck because right now they have me paralyzed and I can't move. That the relief of I'm not suffering, I am running. You would have liked to take me home with prosthetic legs and part of an arm. I was relieved that we didn't have to do that. I was relieved that that we real and we're all, we didn't have to wake up every day and go, are they gonna have to resuscitate today again?

unknown 40:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 40:41

Am I gonna have to stand in there and watch them say, right now he's not breathing again and we're trying. Are we gonna have to wake up every day and go, am I gonna have to call his brother and his sisters and tell him, hey, I'm really sorry. You didn't even get to come in and say goodbye. But in all of the things.

SPEAKER_09 40:55

Those are a lot of questions you keep repeating. So you know. And it wasn't until later, and I actually got a shot, I I got into a shot in my and I'll tell you when this happened, uh Lane had got sick and it was strep. We went and our kids seemed to care about it. There's a surface strep that our kids were. And of course, with everything that happened, we had to go right back to the hospital.

SPEAKER_02 41:17

Yeah, just to clarify, that's what started the sickness was strep strep right.

SPEAKER_06 41:22

Strep and strep pneumonia.

SPEAKER_09 41:23

And found out, or and then during this time we still couldn't, you know, we couldn't go in together with him, with Lane. So she and so I I went up on the top of the parking garage where there's nothing there. I'm like, I don't want to be around nobody, and I'm already struggling being here. And so that moment there was nobody up. I I don't know if people heard me or not, because I was on top of this thing. And I we were I was having a shouting match with God, and I was going back and forth, and I'm like, you could have done this, you could have done that, and and just and I was just angry, I was mad, you know, and then I couldn't, and it was already driving me crazy even being there because where I was sitting, I was looking right at the room, you know what I mean? His room is pretty in your face. And so, you know, I'm going through all this stuff and we're and I'm shouting, and all of a sudden, just like everything just stopped. And he said, But I did. Just say again, we gotta remember God's ways on our ways. And so, you know, that that that that dream that I had of where he was running around everywhere. Okay, that was I healed him. I did. Right. I just did it in my way because see, I mean, we're all on death row.

SPEAKER_07 42:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_09 42:44

You know, some of us here a lot. Yes, our body. And so, because you know, for the wages of of death or sin is death. And so, you know, I can't be mad that he I'm hurt that I I don't get to hold him, I don't get to see him, you know, but I do. I have dreams. I see him in my dreams a lot. Um and so it's it's it's hard to really I don't know, I can't put it in the words. Like it it is it is we don't always understand it, but I just know I I gotta trust God that he's in control and that he's taking care of me and that he did do what I what I what we prayed for. Because see, before Bubba, I went through that with my dad. I spent three days. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep. She they had to pry me away from the room because my dad, you know, I was praying over him. And guess what? It was the same thing. God, I've and and that's when I first got mad. That's when I first got mad, and I really walked and I was ready to go into the darkest thing I could ever get into. Because my dad was, my dad was my everything. My dad was my go to person for everything. Because my dad, when talking to dad, it was like, whatever you talk to dad. About it stay between you and Dad. And Dad knew me. And he still loved you through it. And he's loved me through it. And you know, and he accepted he was a first one to accept Lacey into my family and love her for the who she was and rather than what they thought she was or what they wanted her to be. Right. Dad was like just you know, it was just the way my dad was. Dad had a I guess that's where I get my big heart for my dad. And so, you know, now that I'm not gonna have this, I'm going into a panic mode too at the same time as being hurt because now who would I go to? Right. And so later on, again, we're having this shouting match and this was before Bubba. And I get but I did. You know, I did what you asked me to. I just did it my way. You know, and and and then he's like, and then I'm like, well who would I do I'm like what about me? When I'm talking about who would I go to, what about me? And so that's where I started learning the thing about ha having a conversation with God, not just a prayer, but like having those.

SPEAKER_06 45:06

Now you're gonna know I'm as a daddy, not just a father.

SPEAKER_09 45:09

Exactly.

SPEAKER_06 45:10

The intimacy makes the world of difference. Right.

SPEAKER_02 45:14

Yeah, well, you know, you for for doing that, Jeremy. Another thing too that I think people miss is you had enough wherewithal through all that to know I'm gonna have to guard her from what people are gonna say.

SPEAKER_09 45:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 45:30

So that she doesn't take hold of that and root that in her heart. That's huge. I don't think people really understand that. It goes back to the power of the words that we speak. And there were so many things that you know, I think people they try to they mean well, but the silence, the silence of thing, and they want to console, but they don't know how, and then bias and judgment and stuff like that comes out. There's certain people that have been through some things, like was it Pastor Mark or Mark Pastor Mark Jones? Mark Jones. So he's been through it. So he can minister to you. I haven't been through it. The best thing I could do is just be there. And listen. And listen. And I think that silence for people just they can't take it and they run from it. But like I said, I I commend you for being aware enough in that time as a husband and as a covering to say, honey, there's gonna be some things that that they're gonna say, and we're just not gonna accept that and try to block that out. Oh no, we're talking we're talking physical of skirt.

SPEAKER_06 46:44

Yeah, don't say that to her. And he would I mean he would and there were times where he would look at them and go, I rebuke you. You need to walk away. I mean, it was that kind of a in his own term, and I'm not trying to put him on a pedestal because I still choke him out sometimes. But like in realness, he he really did. And even the kids would come home and say, Well, this person said this about you know Bubba's death or this and that, or this is and we had to shield them too. It's not just about us. I mean, when you go through something like that, you have your entire family is your and that's where survival of, okay, now I gotta be this back in your face again. You're not gonna talk to them like that, you're not gonna tell them that. You're not gonna, you know, you don't walk their walk, you've never walked their walk, right? And it's just an aunt and yeah. So, but he was. He was a you have to be guarded, you have to be protected because when I'm not here, you're still here. You're still facing it every single day. And he knows if somebody says something, I'm gonna it's not just gonna go into my heart or into my mind, I'm gonna sit there and play with it for a little bit and go, how can this be twisted? I don't do that, but my brain seems to do that. How can this be twisted and turned? Right. So and he knows that. So it's it's definitely it's a team effort.

SPEAKER_09 47:55

I mean, I I don't know another way to really say that, but Pastor told me, he did tell me, you know, and that's where he told me, he said, there's gonna be certain lines that people say. And he told me those lines, and he's like, and it's gonna he said it's gonna piss you off. And and it and it got to that point, and it did, it did. Like, man. You know, and he's you know, and and so and I was letting, you know, and so I relating that to her too, that hey, don't listen to these people when they say these things. You know, because they are gonna say that thing. And the most and the one of the most one the biggest ones is, well, it's their time. Yeah. Or, you know, or you know, and or I'm sorry for loss, well don't be sorry for my loss, because I'll you know, and that's and that's one thing I I can't help but correct be you know, correct on the like you know, I'm sorry for your loss. Well, n don't be sorry, I didn't lose anything.

SPEAKER_05 48:56

Right.

SPEAKER_09 48:56

I didn't lose anything. I know where he's at.

SPEAKER_05 48:58

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_09 48:59

You know, he's at my father's.

SPEAKER_05 49:00

And I can't answer it like that. We we talked about that.

SPEAKER_09 49:03

You know, like what part of the year. Because, you know, dad was very spiritual that way. And then, you know, and and he kind and he really helped me through a lot of the of of adversities and whether, you know, even in our marriage, you know, and there was times that he told me he's just you just need to stop being stupid.

SPEAKER_05 49:23

Good good sound advice.

SPEAKER_09 49:25

I was you know, and I was driving, you know, I was over you know, I was driving over the road and man, I was running three to four days on 15 minutes of sleep. So daddy was daddy was pretty you know, he was on uh on me.

SPEAKER_01 49:37

Right.

SPEAKER_09 49:38

But yeah. Um it's just those little things that you just have to kind of take one step at a time with and and there's no real answer.

SPEAKER_06 49:49

There's no real answer for any other thing. I just letting the Holy Spirit speak to you uh as a whole and as individuals and sometimes it's still just not there, sometimes it's still just not okay, but you and that's okay. You know where to lean to get exact that from. Now instead of saying I'm just gonna be mad and don't talk to me today and I don't want this person, it no, I mean there's so much more rawness into all of that, but that's the gist of it, is you really have to find your place, you have to find your soulless, you have to find that private place with you of an intimacy with the Holy Spirit to say, Hey, I'm not okay right now, and this is exactly what I feel. But I know in a minute I'm gonna be okay because I know you're gonna pick me back up, and that's true.

SPEAKER_05 50:33

Yeah, because I mean that's what he tells us is call on me. Call on me and you're telling us how to hear you.

SPEAKER_06 50:41

And sometimes it's the weirdest places. I mean it can be having dinner with a friend and you say something you really didn't mean to say, but apparently you need to. It can be having a conversation with your husband and look at him and going, I don't think I can handle that part right now, and he's like, Well, we're going to, and I'm right here beside you, but we're gonna we're gonna handle it right now, and we're gonna talk about it.

SPEAKER_09 50:58

So some of the littlest things can be the biggest testimonies. Absolutely the smallest words can be the biggest testimonies. Absolutely sometimes just two words can just be a whole that word.

SPEAKER_02 51:09

What was the word relief?

SPEAKER_09 51:12

I mean I was relieved.

SPEAKER_06 51:14

And the minute I said it, I choked because I was like, how and of course, and that's very important. I don't like to give the enemy credit for things always because he doesn't always it's not always him. Sometimes it's us being stupid. Yeah, and we're not too much. Yeah we give him too much credit, but in that moment he he he tried to play that. How dare you say that about your child? You're glad that he's dead, you're glad that he left you. But that's not what you said. But that's not what I said, right? That is not what you said. And I had a good friend, and that's where having good relationships and good people, you know, people say I can do I used to be the world's worst. I can do this by myself. I don't need you, I can do this by myself, I'm better by myself. No, because in that very before that's survival. Yeah, it is survival. Yes, before I was the only one protecting me, right? My whole time I had to protect me through our marriage when my family was attacking him and his was attacking me. It was okay, well, I'm gonna take care of myself. You don't want to go against your family, that's fine, I'll bust them up by myself. It is survival. It is but I had that good friend sitting there that night instead. But sometimes you ain't gotta let him play with it like that. Sometimes, you know, it doesn't take you back to that dark place, and we tend to think that way, but sometimes this is just a breakthrough to get you to somewhere that you need to be. You need that real, you need that raw, and you can correct me if I said that wrong because I know I probably wanted some of it out. But yeah, that word was and I was what you said.

SPEAKER_05 52:35

I remember because you said, Well, now I'm gonna go home and I'm gonna crawl back into that dark spot. I sure did because of what I just said, and I said, Or you can let it bring you. That it was to bring, you know, and that's I checked on you or whatever, and um, but I did, I felt like she was scared when she said it, that it was that she was just really gonna beat up on herself and it was gonna twist her words, but I just felt such peace when she said that that she finally what had been going on the inside had finally come out, and that it was gonna make way for peace and want um to bring condemnation and all those things that they really do to must. And I was super held in and I understood the weight of that word, and I think we talked about that too. I understood the weight of the word relief because there are some things that you want to see.