She Said What She Said

Episode 4: Common Sense Is Not So Common Anymore

• She Said What She Said • Season 1 • Episode 4

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0:00 | 26:23

Dating used to have a shared language: pursue with intention, say what you mean, and let your actions back it up. Somewhere between read receipts and “we’re just vibing,” that language got scrambled, so we’re unpacking how common sense went missing and what it takes to bring it back without losing our hearts on the way.


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Welcome Back & Theme Setup

SPEAKER_00

She said what she said. Welcome back to episode four. So today we're gonna be like more on the common sense isn't common anymore. So there was times when certain things didn't need to be explained, and we've all been in that situation where someone says something and you're just like, hello? Are you following? And they're like, they don't get it. Yeah. And for you growing up and the way you are, it was always like a common sense. It's like everyone knows this. How oh my god, yes!

SPEAKER_01

Like I'm telling you the amount of times I have been shocked about how someone doesn't know something that I thought was common sense.

Intentional Pursuit Versus Ambiguity

SPEAKER_00

So because our first episode was date gone wrong and it was loved, let's take common sense into the dating world and see if things that I think are common sense you think are common sense and everyone else thinks are common sense, or everyone has their own, like we'll notice the difference even just between the two of us, right? Okay, so at the time, like you didn't have to ask for clarity, you didn't have to define basic respect, you didn't have to decode whatever someone liked you or just knew. So now everything feels like negotiable. So what used to be for me common sense It's not for the person now, it's just like it's all a negotiation. So somewhere between read receipts and we're just vibing, common sense and dating quite quietly disappeared. It used to be common sense that if you liked someone, you would pursue them intentionally, not ambiguously, not when you were bored, not only after 11 p.m. Don't give me started. Isn't that common sense? No, here's the thing if you like someone, it should be, but it's not.

Actions, Words, And Consequences

SPEAKER_01

That's the problem. Yes, I cannot get on this enough that how much people nowadays don't like don't think this is common. It's not common though, that's the problem. No, like it used to be such a common thing that if you like somebody, you pursue it, okay? And and you pursue it honestly, respectfully, and you know what the interesting comes with it, exactly, and then if the person is not interested, you leave it alone and you you go find the person that wants you, exactly.

SPEAKER_00

But now consistency is sort of like commitment. Oh so like people may not actually want to commit to you, but if they talk to you 24-7 just for it, yeah, you think that's commitment. You think that's someone who actually likes you.

Bonding Hormones And Denial

SPEAKER_01

Yes, because the that's the thing. People have gone, it's so weird to me how they are so comfortable with making someone believe that you they have all your attention and and stuff, and then when you're like, so yeah, this is my whatever, they're like, Whoa, whoa, whoa, who said that? You right, you didn't say it, but you showed it. Your actions spoke, your actions spoke because common sense is that when someone does that, they want something, they want a relationship, they will actually want this to go somewhere, exactly. But apparently, no, apparently, I was wrong, I was blind.

SPEAKER_00

Okay, so it used to be common sense that if you were spending time sharing emotions, being physical intimate, you were building toward something today. You can do all of that and still hear, I never said we were anything. Exactly, and technically they're right, they never said it, but that's the problem, right? But there's what the common sense is lacking on most people.

SPEAKER_01

That's the problem, is that they hold on to their this they're like, Oh, I never said it, babe. Your actions.

Mixed Signals, Mystery, And Anxiety

SPEAKER_00

So I feel like most people nowadays only care about what they actually say it, the words that actually come out of their mouth. And you know, for me growing up was like actions have consequences, yes, and it's not all about what you say. Words hurt, but actions have consequences. Yes. So it's not where you say that some something's gonna happen because of what you said, it's it's the action that you're gonna take with what you say is that actually gonna give an idea, create a consequence from it.

SPEAKER_01

Absolutely. Because I do believe in that, like, oh, your actions should your words shouldn't match your actions, but I'm sorry, but sometimes actions speak louder. So if your actions made me believe that this was something, that's not my fault. You know? Like that's it's oh, this is topic.

SPEAKER_00

I know. So humans bond through who repeated exposure and vulner vulnerability. When two people talk daily, share personal fears, and create rituals, the brain releases oxytocin. That's the bonding hormone. So if humans are doing that naturally, why at the same time, when you know we're low on that, we feel the need to just go back and be like, no, we're nothing. I never said it. Like, your body is doing it.

SPEAKER_01

I swear, they don't listen to your their body, like that's the problem, right? Nowadays, everybody's so scared of getting hurt, so scared of opening that when something does good, does come around, they won't give it a chance.

SPEAKER_00

So, like your your bodies do not understand no way, bro. Like your body on the only nose, single or in a relationship. So it's one of those like, you know, you want your brain to be aligned with your heart. Your heart is your body. Make your brain stop being an idiot and align it. Start doing some chakra meditations, am I one of those chakras, so we stop running into common sense things are not common anymore.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, I swear.

“Not Ready” Means Believe Them

SPEAKER_00

So it's just one of those, you know, things that it there's so much that you can say, but then you're like, what do I actually say? Because it feels like no one is listening.

SPEAKER_01

Exactly. That's the problem, right? That no matter there are people that are gonna probably disagree with what we're saying right now, okay?

SPEAKER_00

Most likely.

SPEAKER_01

And that's okay, that's okay. It's okay to disagree, okay? But take a look, you're gonna find out yourself that we're telling the truth.

Who Should Initiate And Fear Of Rejection

SPEAKER_00

So there's a thing here that uh it makes me laugh. It says common sense used to say don't act married if you're single. And I don't know if you remember a few years ago, we were actually discussing about people commenting that we act, we walk, we carry ourselves like we are in a relationship, and that's the reason we are single because no one approaches us. So this is the same thing. So for me, it's common sense to just respect myself. If respecting myself gives you the idea that I'm not single and approachable, I'm sorry, that that speaks to your values and what you see yourself and like how much you respect yourself. It's not about me.

SPEAKER_01

I swear. Because, like, just because the way I carry myself gives that I'm not gonna be available for you just because you want me to, that's not my problem, right?

SPEAKER_00

I mean, sometimes I do it on purpose just because I don't want anyone to approach, but that's a different story. They don't even take that nowadays, let's be honest. So people nowadays play relationships as like a roleplay of relationship with no responsibility attached.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, that that right there is the reason all of this are happening, okay. Okay, this goes back to the core of the problem is responsibility. They are scared that once this actually becomes a real thing, even though it is because of your actions, yeah, they're like then they back away, okay? Because they don't actually want someone to rely on them. But you opened up that door yourself, okay? You opened up the door, you showed that this person can rely on you, and then when they do, you push it away. That makes sense.

SPEAKER_00

So it used to be common sense that mixed signals meant no, and probably I would agree with that like a few years ago. But been through situations where people do mix signals, as a woman, in your brain, it's more of like, oh, a little bit is better than nothing. And you you know there's mixed signals there, but you always prefer the positive one that's like something's gonna come out of here instead of like no, no, it's a mixed signal. It means no, common sense, common sense.

SPEAKER_01

But I I also I'm gonna uh disagree a little bit with that, okay. And that's fine, that's why we hear exactly just because sometimes some people give mixed singles as um they're trying too hard, okay? They're trying like not to seem that available, you know, not to give in that easily, so that's why they like do a little bit of like mix mixing signals, but that doesn't mean no per se. Nowadays, I would say.

SPEAKER_00

And I think the mixed signals also lead into some mystery, and people started romanticizing mystery. That's true, that's true. And I'm like, how is that romantic when you don't know something? That's dangerous. Like you want to know that but you want to know, you want to feel comfortable. That's that's what romantic love should be. It's comfort, it's you know, that safe space.

SPEAKER_01

Absolutely, but I feel like that's the problem. That nowadays people go for the thrill, they go for like too much TV. I swear, too much TV. They go for like the I like oh, what could this be though? I saw that like sometimes we create this person in our head. Yes, I I have a lot of imaginary friends, like the person that's giving us the mixed signal per se. Yeah, we create this thing in our head about them that I'm like, okay, so they want us to try harder to let me do that. They like it like this, okay, let me do that. But no, babe, they really just don't want you.

SPEAKER_00

And you know how like people are starting to mix like confusion with chemistry. So, because the feelings sometimes are somewhat similar, like when you you really like someone, that chemistry sometimes turns a little bit into anxiety, and it's it's a good anxiety, and that's what I'm like, okay. We gotta learn that certain words doesn't mean negative, so anxiety, stress they can be positive things if you learn how to look at them as positive. And because confusion can give you anxiety, people just mix it for being chemistry and creates this like again idea in your head, right? Exactly. And it's like, yo, what's what's go with it? And it's like, no, that that's pure inconsistency, there's no chemistry there.

SPEAKER_01

I swear, you know the thing like, oh, it gave me butterflies. We have talked about this, right?

Authenticity And Knowing Yourself

SPEAKER_00

And I learned if I have a little feeling in my belly, that that's a signal for my angels telling me to run away. So that's when I run away. If I have feelings in my belly, that's not butterflies, that's a signal for me to run away.

SPEAKER_01

I swear, I agree with that. That if you're like we said earlier, that if you feel anxious and stressed, that's your sign. Get out of there. I'm sorry, get out of there. Your anxiety should be nice. You know what I mean by that? A positive one. Oh, it was it should be a positive one, exactly.

SPEAKER_00

It should be like scared of losing them, scared of something else, and not like of the of being too much because you already like they like you, they accept you, they want everything, but then you're like, if I go a little bit extra, is it like what a bit too much? But they already like like me for this, so it shouldn't be. So it's it's those like positive thoughts that you are in a safe place, but of course, you always have that like yeah, where there's always a breaking point to everything, that's reality, and the unknown of that breaking point because you always been healthy in this healthy relationship in this healthy process, it will give you a little bit of anxiety.

SPEAKER_01

Absolutely, because we're us humans are built like that to question everything, okay. And the problem is a lot of people don't question anything nowadays.

SPEAKER_00

That's the problem. Yep. It used to be common sense that if someone said I'm not ready for a relationship, you believe them. Today we hear it as convince me. Like, what can I do to convince you? That that I'm ready for that you are ready. Oh my god. Because I know you better than you know yourself.

Standards, Looks, And Insecurity

SPEAKER_01

If someone says they're not ready for a relationship, take it, leave, bye. Save yourself the trouble, save yourself the headache of that person that's gonna put you through through the ringer. Like, hell they're literally telling you that if you stay, I will show you why I'm not ready for a relationship.

SPEAKER_00

So we we kind of like just started normalizing chasing people and who clearly started their like started by saying their limits, right? Like they're already stating their limits, but you feel that urge to chase it. And we normalize that. And I I think it's funny because before men would chase women, yeah, men will do the first step, and somewhere along those times it became normal in society for women to take the first step, for women to chase. And I'm like, do you realize that there's a lot more women in the world than there is men? So men should be chasing, men should be fighting for it because we can get whatever we want. They can't. So why have we reverse it?

SPEAKER_01

Exactly. I will die on this hill. That men should approach first, right? Why did we change that?

SPEAKER_00

I don't know. Someone thought it was a good idea. Maybe among with starting feminism and creating equal rights, they thought that this should be an equal right, and it's not.

SPEAKER_01

Okay, I will say that there's nothing wrong with women that will show their interest first, okay? You do you, girly pops. You do you, but be careful how you do it. Yes, yes, don't, because then men are so nowadays, but that's a problem.

SPEAKER_00

Now you always need to show interest first. First because if you don't give a little for them to go off, they're clueless. Like no one understands a simple like eye contact and a little smile. They will just consider that a normal thing.

Gratitude, Perspective, And Closing

SPEAKER_01

I swear, that's like that's what I mean, right? Men nowadays are so afraid of rejection, it's insane. Take it like a man, okay? It's a no, move on. There's nothing wrong with that. Like, there's nothing wrong with being rejected. I believe that it's just not the right person for you, and that's okay. But because if you continue to do it, there will be someone that will love that and pursue that. You know what I mean? Yup.

SPEAKER_00

It's just you know, again, it's the effort as well. Like, it used to be common sense to to put effort efforts and that effort mattered.

SPEAKER_01

The r the problem, the actual problem is nowadays they think that I sh I don't have to put any effort in until they're my actual girlfriend or partner. No. They're like, oh, I'll put the effort in once they're actually mine. How do you want to get them? Exactly.

SPEAKER_00

Babe, you think just one message and you flirting is enough? But also I have to say there's that type of people, but there's the people that will put so much effort in courting you, but then once you actually dating, that effort disappears. Because it's acting, it's not actual effort. And that's that, and I feel like that's uh very consistent with narcissistics, where you know it's like a hundred and then zero, and then ninety and then zero, and it keeps going because it's one of those, like, no, like if you want me to actually stay, and nowadays it's so common for people to know what narcissistic traits are and picking on them so early on because it's very spoken, like everyone is starting to realize they are in narcissistic relationships and getting out of them and talking about them. So women are more aware of narcissistic narcissistic men before they get fully involved with them for their own protection. So, with that, it's like if you want to keep that relationship going, the effort that you put in the beginning, you need to maintain it. Yeah, so don't fake it, don't make extra effort in the beginning to get that person and then back on it.

SPEAKER_01

Because at that point, you're faking yourself, you're not that person. Exactly. So, because some you will find a partner that's okay with minimum effort, right? Yeah. Because if you're not that person, it's okay.

SPEAKER_00

You know, it's funny because like the other day I met someone and this person was like very easy. He was like, once we were talking, they could say whatever they wanted to say and they felt calm and able to say whatever came to their mind. Yeah, and then it's funny because that person, after a few weeks, told me that that's not them. But then they do exactly the same thing again. And I'm like, it is you when the person that you're talking to has that energy that allows you to feel safe and be able to be open. And I was like, in my mind, I'm like, oh my god, like you are doing too much effort to not be yourself all the time that you realize who you actually are.

SPEAKER_01

I swear, like now, like you just said a lot of people fake who they are constantly, constantly, and then that's like they start believing that that's who they are, yeah.

SPEAKER_00

And it's like, no, and then you meet that right person that allows you to be your actual self, yeah. And you're like, no, this is not me. And but then you keep being that person, it's like this is you, like I swear, you haven't changed the environments that we're in, the people surrounding us have changed, but you have not changed, so this is you. I saw I love how you had to tell that. It's just like I I some people are just so naive and so like the unaware of their own persona, yes. Like, I think everyone at some point in their lives should actually get in touch with themselves and their bodies and just like understand who they are truly.

SPEAKER_01

Because I feel like half of the time everything we just talked about until now, a lot of time is because the person doesn't even know themselves. Yeah, it's literally that is why they don't know what what is their own like beliefs and like what is their own, what they want in a partner, what are they looking for, what they're seeking for, and who they are as a person. They just swing it.

SPEAKER_00

I know, and see where it sticks. So, with this, like now bare minimum behavior is marked as emotional death. I couldn't agree more with this, you know, and it's it's so funny because like lately all the videos that you will see and for on your for your page is like, yeah, like people tell me that I have high standards, and like they will be like, Oh, this person did this for me, and like I'll look at it and be like, that that's the bare minimum. You're happy for that? Like, wait, that that's what a friend will do for me. You're only expecting that from your partner? Like, really?

SPEAKER_01

A lot of times people keep saying, Oh, I have high standards, and then they tell you what their high standards are, and it's not even high. Like, baby, you you'll be good. Believe me, you will be okay.

SPEAKER_00

Those are not high standards. It's one thing that I also came across while I was like, Okay, where are we gonna talk on the podcast? And kind of like starting to feel in the subject. I came across a story, and it was like, I wouldn't say like a bigger girl, someone like my complexity per se. And they were talking with this guy, and they kind of were like, you know, this is our my standards, this is what I want. And the guy came back snapping and being like, How can you have these standards? You're fat, blah blah blah, you don't have the right to have this type of opinions. Oh my god. And in my mind, I'm like, this is how insecure men feel. Because why would you attack someone on their physical aspect when you are not man enough for them? When you cannot meet a minimum standard, you go and attack them on their physical appearance.

SPEAKER_01

That's what they always do. Whenever a woman talks about their standards, men always attack the woman's looks. Babe, it was never about the look. No. You are just not man enough to say, well, then I'm not your person. That's okay to have those standards, but I'm just not your person.

SPEAKER_00

But keep in mind, we all gonna get old and wrinkled and you know, not the most appealing people on the on the planet earth. So, what should actually matter when you are with someone? Is it your physical appearance? Because I'm sorry, you can you do botox and fillers all your life. That's not gonna make you make uh look good. That's just gonna make you look ridiculous, and people are gonna start looking at you sideways because you look like you cannot even smile because you're so stretched. Like, let's be real, we all lose. Our prime eventually.

SPEAKER_01

Yes, I agree.

SPEAKER_00

So the only thing that stays is who you are on the inside. Is your core values is who you are, your personality. Yeah. So why are we not only looking at that when we meet people? Why are we not allowing people to show us who they really are and what's their personality?

SPEAKER_01

Because, like I said, because of social media, babe, I mean it's this unrealistic, so unrealistic thing that people start believing themselves. They don't have anything going on in their life, but then they're like, oh, I can bag a baddie too. That's okay.

SPEAKER_00

No, no, all the you know, the Photoshop and trying to look better and trying to look rich, and and then you when you actually meet certain people, they're just so empty.

SPEAKER_01

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00

They're so empty.

SPEAKER_01

I agree. I could not agree more with you. It's we're so focused on how we look that we forget to see how we look with our person how we are inside. How is does our inside look? Right? Let's look at that. Please, let me see.

SPEAKER_00

It's a it's so I'm a very in general, I'm a very positive person. And when I'm surrounded by people, I tend to be like always smiling and trying to be uplifting. So someone the other day, and I was like, that actually made me really think, and I almost started crying because someone asked me, Are you always happy? and I'm like, no, that's that's the short answer for it. But it made me think, why would someone ask me if I'm always happy? Like, we all know that everyone has ups and downs, yeah, but then I'm like, fair enough, they haven't seen any other side of me because when I'm alone, that's when I actually go deep into my thoughts and like process my mo emotions of the day or the week or whatever. I have schedule cries. Uh but that one was almost an unschedule one because the more I thought about it, I'm like, damn it, no. A lot of times you may think that I'm happy, but I'm like suffering inside. That's the image we put out there. Yeah, but by like, I started appreciating the small things. You know, there's things that happen in life that will make you feel like if you don't appreciate the small things, what's your point? What's the reason you live, right? So even the other day I was driving home and the moon was so like big, like it looked so close and it was so bright, and I was just like amazed by it while I was driving. And I'm like, if I tell this to someone else, they'll be like, what the heck? Really? It's the moon, whatever. Wait, get home. And I'm like, oh my god, what are the chances?

SPEAKER_01

And it's like so beautiful. We forget, we actually forget to look around. We do, like, we get so focused in our own little bubble that we forget to look around and see other people's perspective, we see the world's perspective.

SPEAKER_00

You know, I uh I noticed that I started being a mentor and a leader in convincing people to start looking around. It it works, you know, when you tell people, like, oh you know, like start just noticing the small things. They're like, no, there's nothing, like what exactly? I'm like, simple, the stars. So one the other they actually texted me and they're like, I'm looking at the stars right now. Oh and I'm like, see, that's what I mean. Just take a little moment to breathe and appreciate something that it's dead all the time, yeah, but you don't take the time to appreciate it.

SPEAKER_01

That's true. Just to let you know, babe. You being happy all the time, you are making so everyone around you, you're making their day, you're making them feel good, you're making them look at things differently.

SPEAKER_00

So it's because we all have our problems, right? So let's be positive and let's be positive into our next episode, too.

SPEAKER_01

Thank you so much for listening. Just to say everything we say, take it as a green assault, like just our opinion. But we would love to hear from you guys too if you disagree, like we said, that's okay. Disagreeing, build character, more perspective, absolutely builds character and builds more perspective.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, it allows us to grow our own persona.

SPEAKER_01

Exactly. Yeah, so this was episode end of episode four, and we'll see you guys on the next episode. Yes, and this is She Say What She said.