Episode 7: What If Avoiding The Question Is The Answer

The most dangerous dating question is also the simplest: “What are we?” The second you ask, you’re back in reality, and you can’t hide behind vibes or excuses anymore. We get honest about why that moment triggers anxiety, how modern dating dodges labels, and why clarity feels like a risk even when you know you need it for emotional security.

If you’ve ever been stuck in a situationship, confused by mixed signals, or tempted to stay quiet to keep the peace, hit play. Subscribe, share this with a friend who needs clarity, and leave a review with your take: when do you ask “what are we”?

Transcript

Welcome And The Big Question

SPEAKER_03 0:00

She said what she said.

SPEAKER_02 0:02

Welcome to episode seven. Today we want to go a little bit more different road.

SPEAKER_03 0:09

We always do, I feel like. Yeah, we we just gonna have a conversation, you know, actually sh do where we wanted the podcast to be when we first got the idea. That's true. You know, we we gossip a lot, we have this like deep conversation with each other, and that's when the idea came up. So we're gonna go into that.

SPEAKER_02 0:29

I like it. Let's do it.

SPEAKER_03 0:31

Yeah, so the question for today is why are we afraid to ask? Where are we? Oh that can go a lot of ways, okay? The funny thing is, I've been seeing so many videos, TikToks, things like that about it. I think it's a hot topic right now. Or maybe it's just my for your page that is bugged. Is it telling you something?

SPEAKER_02 0:55

Maybe, maybe it is, you know. To be honest, I feel like oh, let's start with the biggest reason, okay? The minute you ask that question, I feel like you are back in reality. Like there's no way back. There's no way back, exactly. There is no way this is it. This is makeup right now. You can't make excuses. Like after that, whatever the thing is, you if it's like if you stay after you ask the question, what are we, and it's not what you're looking for, then you're the stupid one.

SPEAKER_03 1:30

But I think it's funny because you know, there's conversations that like you can ask. Reality is of a lot of people nowadays don't believe in titles.

SPEAKER_00 1:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:43

But then unfortunately, and the funny thing is like I'm okay with that, like I see that. What I think it's important is when you ask that, it's not exactly the title that's gonna come out of it, but what people consider you. So, you know, like exactly because I've had I've had situations where every time it's like, oh yeah, she's a friend, she's a friend, she's a friend, but then if someone hits on me and they get jealous. I'm like, I'm just a friend. Right?

SPEAKER_02 2:14

It's like you put this title, okay. If we're gonna go then to titles, right? I feel like, yeah, I agree that that's a different thing. Titles are not important, but at the same time, it is because that that is defining relationships. That is defined that way, that is defining like the what or we part. Exactly.

SPEAKER_03 2:37

But like I to be honest, I feel weird saying like, oh my boyfriend.

SPEAKER_02 2:42

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 2:43

I do. So instead of just like just not use like introduce people based on their name and when or when you're talking about them, you don't want to use their name, but you want to refer to them, like, oh you know, my partner, or like make it funny, like, oh yeah, my partner in crime, or oh yeah, my person, right? Like you're not exactly saying where you're at within the relationship, but you're not opening doors for anyone else to try and get in. Yeah. Like you're making visible that there is something, they're exclusive somehow.

SPEAKER_02 3:18

That makes sense. And I feel like people like you just said, people have gotten so comfortable nowadays with not having that conversation, running away from it, you know?

SPEAKER_03 3:29

It's not with a woman who really wants to have it. I think like for me, I feel anxious. It's one of those, like, okay, like, because it comes with uh our exclusive, our non-exclusive.

SPEAKER_02 3:40

Like exactly, exactly, because there goes more into it. It's not just like, oh, let's let's make this something. It's not about that. That oh, I want to get married with you tomorrow, then it's not about that, you know? Yeah, it's about just knowing that I'm secure in this relationship or whatever this is, and I don't have to keep looking them uh over my shoulder thinking that you're gonna find someone better the next day and leave me hanging.

SPEAKER_03 4:06

So yeah. So I would say make sure it is clear that you guys are not friends if you are exclusive, because if someone that you're dating keeps telling people that you are just a friend, I'm sorry, but he's dating you and more. Talking from experience. Yeah, yeah, like, yeah. And then the funny thing is like every time you try to walk away from those situations, there's like, oh, you are overreacting, you are thinking too much about it, you're breathing too much into the situation, and then it's like, okay, then when you actually be like, nope, I'm done, it's like, oh, but we were just friends, and I always said that.

SPEAKER_02 4:55

And it's like they always try to save their eat little egos at the end, and always like try to back, but like, no, I didn't, like, we were friends, you thought it differently. What do you mean? What do you mean that you introduced me to all your friends? Everybody, you did not use friends, you use my name, or you just like and you were always uh beside me everywhere. We've literally gone on dates and stuff, which oh, don't even get me started that they don't call it dates, they just call it hangouts. Yeah, who goes to restaurants and all these activities with just that one friend and call it hangouts?

SPEAKER_03 5:36

Right? Like, everything is about them. Like, I don't have any other time to hang out with anyone else. Oh, yeah, we're doing this. Okay, I'm inviting this extra person. And it's like, oh, so you guys finally together? Oh no, no, we're just friends. Then why am I always attached to your hip?

SPEAKER_02 5:54

Like, why everything is about me? Exactly. Exactly. Like, why am I to the first to find out everything that happens with you? Why is it that you always want me around? Why is it like all of these things?

SPEAKER_03 6:09

The

Titles, Exclusivity, And Mixed Signals

SPEAKER_03 6:10

thing that I love the most, and I can I I can't even like I don't care if I don't talk with them anymore. One thing that I love the most is when I mean I am very spiritual and I'm very like, okay, watch the clues. Like, there is reasons like childhood trauma, blah blah blah. So I do talk a lot about those things, and some guys get annoyed by it. Other ones are actually like start to look inside and they're like, oh yeah, I see my issues. When they realize their issues, when they're like doing their inner work and then they like have this like epiphany and they just call you to tell you about it, it's one of those sort of like, oh my god, I did this, but then it's like, you know, when they walk away, you're like, huh, they're gonna be better for someone else. Great. Like, but I love it. It's like when they realize, like, oh, I am the problem, like, yeah, we've been trying to tell you that.

SPEAKER_02 7:03

No, no, no, you're saying they use you as their free third and move on. Yeah, yeah. That's the thing, like, it's so stupid. I'm sorry. Okay, like I also know that it's not always man, like it goes both ways. I get it. But unfortunately, it's the truth that it happens more with men, okay? That they're just more afraid of commitment.

SPEAKER_03 7:32

Yes, or I don't think sometimes they're afraid, I think just embarrassed. Like, I find that a lot of men do want that's true love and being romantic, yeah, but they're embarrassed, they're like, oh, I to be a true man, I need to be tough and I need to be like this and like that, and I like, oh, it's cool to be a playboy, and sometimes they're not playboys whatsoever, but they play that role, and it's like it's like you're not gaining anything from it. It's true, the nice guy always finished last, yeah, but in the end of the day, they always the ones who win more.

SPEAKER_02 8:10

That oh, I love that. That is actually true. It is true, it's like no, at the end of the day, no one's gonna settle for that Playboy mentality, for that, like, oh, I'm cooler, I'm better, and stuff. No one's settling down for that. Yeah, like that is childish behavior.

SPEAKER_03 8:28

Oh, the one that got away, like she not she didn't know away.

SPEAKER_02 8:32

You chase her away. Like exactly. You literally like pushed her to the point that there was no coming back, and then they always regret it. They always regret it.

SPEAKER_03 8:46

I wonder if I am the one that got away from any work.

SPEAKER_02 8:51

I I will say this right now, okay. Evidence, I'm 100% sure you are. Trust me, you are the way I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 9:03

I'm trying to think who you're talking about. You are the one that got away, trust me.

SPEAKER_03 9:10

I mean I'm always the one who walks away, right? I'm like, before things get bad, mm-mm. I'm not getting my heart broken, guys. I do, but no one knows.

SPEAKER_02 9:20

But here's the thing, the only difference it's not that you walk away halfway because you're afraid of No, I give enough chances. Exactly, that's what I mean, right? Like you You give them more chances of like you know the amount of times that I get so pissed that like I'm done with this, and you give them chances, you give them the better you and and the thing is like I always try to be like that friend.

SPEAKER_03 9:47

Because I'm like, in the end of the day, if you want a good foundation for your relationship, you want to make sure they're like your friend, like you want to be best friends with your partner. Absolutely, because the lover part, anyone can feel that that's reality, like it's the easiest, it's the friend, it's the person that they want to call, it's the person they want to talk when things are hard, like open. Absolutely. So that's my like number one priority, and it's sometimes it does not involve from that, and I'm okay. Like, reality is sometimes you're attracted to their emotional and not to their physical, and then it's like okay, there's certain things that no, you know, it's it's just it gets to a point where like they stimulate my brain, but that's it. So we're good as friends, because that's there's no chemistry.

SPEAKER_02 10:37

I was just gonna say, but then there's a line that if you cross, you s you stay stuck in the friendship zone.

SPEAKER_03 10:45

But then don't give the ick. And sometimes it can be the hardest guys, but it so we're Germanized. Yeah, our brains need to be stimulated. And sometimes the ugliest guys will be the most attractive ones because somehow they activate something in our brains that oh my god, and it's like they can be ugly, but they stimulate our brains to the point they're really like attractive. This is like some type of chemical chemistry that's not even like that physical attraction.

SPEAKER_02 11:19

Because I feel like it's also because like we love to talk. Well evidence. Exactly. We love to talk, and it can be about the stupidest thing, but it's keeping a conversation up. I swear when someone is dry and cannot like I'm gonna I'm gonna be honest. I am I suck at small talks, okay. I suck at small talks. I hate it so much. My anxiety goes above. We get so deep so fast. Exactly. That's why I hate small talks. I'm like, okay, okay, let's get on with that. Everybody says that. Let's go to the real things, okay? And somehow tell me you what are you scared of? Your deepest secret. And somehow, whoever we meet tells us their deepest secret. Like, we're like that.

SPEAKER_03 12:05

I was like, oh, I don't think I know you enough to get it. And and enough just now, like, so I go to a lot of like work-related events. Yeah, yesterday I was like at a trivia night, and it was quite funny because like we're dividing in

Commitment Fears And The One Away

SPEAKER_03 12:20

different tables, groups of eight. And while we're at the table, somehow we started talking about games, and I'm like, oh yeah, I'm like big and bored games. Oh and this guy is like, really? What's your favorite? And I'm like, ticket to ride. He goes, like, oh my god, mine too. And then we're like, yeah, like I don't really like this one because it's a like lock. And he goes, like, and he looks at me, he goes, like, oh, I feel like we think the same way. We're like strategic. And I'm like, Yeah. So, you know, it's one of those, like, that is not small talk. Like, you just no, it's not, you just realize a personality trait of someone that you just met, but you probably always be like, used to see them and be like, Oh, they think it's strategic. They do mean that because there's there's a reason behind it. Exactly. So it I'm just like, no, I don't be like, oh, you're enjoying the hot weather? Oh, we can't.

SPEAKER_02 13:11

Exactly. Like, there's a lot of people that get stressed and don't flustered and stuff when it gets deeper or stuff, but I get more stressed than the fluster when it's small talk. Because uh, trust me, I have nothing exciting going on in my life, so don't ask me how is my day going.

SPEAKER_03 13:27

You know what it what it is, and I think it's so funny because I've been thinking about this a lot. There was a trend at some point, it's like, tell me who you are without mentioning your nationality, your religion, what you do for work, right? And I'm like, every time I see that video, and I'm like, no, that's not how I introduce myself. That's like I'm very like, oh yeah, I'm a positive person, I'm energetic, I'm you know, I talk, come on, and I'm like, that's not like it it doesn't attach me to a nationality or a religion. Like it doesn't create that barrier.

SPEAKER_02 14:08

Exactly. Because I I don't think I've ever, even before I started wearing the hijab, I don't think I've ever started a conversation with the person that I really want to talk to, and the conversation came up where I'm from or what religion I'm part of, you know? Yeah, because it's not about that. It's that you talk to those things with a person that you see at a coffee shop for a minute. The breeze says, like, oh, you look like this nationality, where are you from? That's conversation. It's like, oh, what's your accent? Exactly. That's like the five-second conversation that gets like, and then you're done. But when we're setting it somewhere and stuff, I need I need to go deep, okay? Like, I'm not saying the first time you see me, I need you to tell me what happened on your childhood that you became like oh I see some trauma.

SPEAKER_03 14:57

Let's break it down. Exactly. That's not what I was at. Like, I'm not here to therapist you or anything.

SPEAKER_01 15:03

Right? I I can have free therapy right now.

SPEAKER_03 15:08

Call eighty day. If you do have my number, please do not call for free therapy. I have enough. She's a great therapist though, okay? She's my therapist. Yours and X and Y and Z. Oh, there's plenty of people. And it's like, even at work, like today something happened and this person was like spiraling and she looked at me and she's like, Oh, you know, like, did you saw this email? And I'm like, no. And they're like, oh, this is what it said, blah blah blah. So do you think like, you know, they're taking away what I most love doing? And I'm like, no. And she's like, what do you mean? Like, but this is what it says. I'm like, yeah, but like, you need to think, like, the person that is saying those things, what have they been doing for you? Yeah, they've been standing by you, they were scared of losing you. So there's that's not what it means. I think they just want to find someone who's a little bit higher to overlook certain things and help you grow, not take it away from you. And just like, oh my god, thank you so much. I was like losing it. And I'm like, huh? Did I just solve a problem without knowing? Yeah, it was one of those like, you're welcome. Like, you know, I share some of my personal stuff with you when you help me through it. So I'm glad I can help you with your work one because her personal life has figured it out. So yeah.

SPEAKER_02 16:41

That's another thing, is a lot of times we just say what we feel in the moment, you know? It's not like I wanna give advice or I'm sitting like, oh, you should do this, or no. But whatever I say, they're like, oh my god, that's so true. Why did I think I was like, oh, okay, I guess take it.

SPEAKER_03 17:01

And then sometimes you can like from the same topic, you you if you wait like half an hour, you probably will get different opinions. Because my moods tend to shift during the day, depending on how things are going, what's happening.

SPEAKER_02 17:19

So free therapy with you needs to be in the morning, in lunchtime, and at dinner. No, it's not food related.

SPEAKER_03 17:28

Just like throughout the day, at night, in the morning, in afternoon. It's just uh it just it's it's like things that happen in your day. Like sometimes like something I don't like to pick on the bad thing that happens on the day, or like to pick on the good ones and be like, oh yeah, it was a good day. Even though the bad one was bad.

SPEAKER_02 17:46

That's so positive.

SPEAKER_03 17:48

But if you catch me within the hour of something bad happening, yeah. You probably will see it in my face. A lot of people at work do say, like, oh, I should tell the you were, you know, a little upset, and I'm like, we'll give it away.

SPEAKER_02 18:07

My fast walk outside to breathe, or my internal screen,

Small Talk, Deep Talk, And Identity

SPEAKER_02 18:15

my thing is that's a that's a thing. You cannot control your face. You cannot control your face. That's why you don't play poker.

SPEAKER_01 18:23

Uh I say I'm good at controlling my face?

SPEAKER_03 18:28

No, I not no oh you were telling me that I was an idiot for not being able to eat spicy food while we were having dinner with your face expression. Like, that's how bad she is. It's a Gemini thing, and then Wiener doesn't. Then Wina's like, no, I can I can hide it. I'm like, no, everyone can tell when like your face. It's like face expressions.

SPEAKER_02 19:02

I actually thought that I was good at hiding it.

SPEAKER_03 19:04

No, it's it's like the eye part. This is something. I mean, yeah, because you don't have any wrinkles on your forehead, so you don't really use your forehead. I'm still young. It's not about that. Um actually, your forehead wrinkles are good thing because people will think you're social. So if you have your forehead covered, yeah, people will not trust you. Your forehead is what gives away like how social, like uh open you are.

SPEAKER_01 19:36

Is that an unconscious thing?

SPEAKER_03 19:38

Yeah, like that's never like you will notice if you see someone on the street with a hat that's up like above their eyebrows, yeah, and they come to talk to you, you probably will not talk to them. There is there's something within your body that's telling you, like, do not trust this person.

SPEAKER_02 19:55

Oh, this is a new information. Really? I've never heard of this.

SPEAKER_03 20:00

Yeah. You start noticing how much you actually feel like you can trust someone if you cannot see their from that one. Can I see you for me? No, it just you you start seeing, like you'll be more closed off.

SPEAKER_02 20:16

Oh my god, now now I'm gonna oh now I'm gonna be looking at everybody's forehead. It's not you don't look at it. It just because now that I feel like now that I know that all of you have told me, I will look at it. If it's exposed, you just feel calmer.

SPEAKER_03 20:33

You just feel like you can trust, you can talk with that person. How accurate is this thing? I don't know. It's it was a study. I I read it somewhere. And it all started because it all started because of like the different lines in your face and what they actually mean, like the chicken feet on your eyes, and it's because you're a very happy person always laughing. So you that's where you will get your wrinkles the most. And then forehead is like your facial expressions, and I'm like, for me, it's very my it's my eyebrows, it's not exactly my eye per se. My eyebrow, like it's always moving. So I can't, and then the ones around your mouth is like the smile, so you tend to be like your resting face is more on a smile form. So it's small cues within your face that will give away to people.

SPEAKER_02 21:27

Oh now that we're in the topical phase, can we can I talk about how I just found out the wrinkles around your head of called chicken feet? Excuse me?

SPEAKER_01 21:39

Chicken feet if you think about it.

SPEAKER_02 21:44

Yeah, but like still, we couldn't pick any other name. We had to come over. I actually did. I I know 21 year old search, okay? I just literally I saw a video on it. Uh there like not even two, three days ago, and the still was talking about how like the wrinkles are called chicken feet. I'm like, whoa, I didn't believe her, okay? I had to go with search. I was like, what are the wrinkles? Like chicken feet.

SPEAKER_03 22:12

I'm like, so Saha doesn't more even anything. So today I was driving home when I realized I didn't have my laptop, so I had to turn around and go back to the office. And then when I was going back to the office, I called Saha to ask her what time she was coming over. And somehow I had a freaking cockroach flying in my car.

SPEAKER_02 22:31

First of all, before you continue, can we talk about how I thought this girl had gotten in a car crash or like a safrarlot and like something bad had happened? She was screwed.

SPEAKER_03 22:48

Okay, backstory because you don't understand it, and you you will see it soon and you will realize it. So back home, because we are in a tropical place, we have a lot of cockroaches, but they're huge. They're like this big.

SPEAKER_02 23:05

No, we have cockroaches in a belt.

SPEAKER_03 23:07

They're like they're like, you know, a full inch to two in two inch and a half damn of like length. So and they fly. Fun fact that Saha didn't know that they f they fly, so because of how big they are, they're disgusting. And I always like I hated them, and the fact they're fly scared the crap out of me, because if you're on the ground, you're on the ground. But if you're flying around and you're such a big thing, like a fly, a bee, okay, you're tiny. Do your own business. A cockroach is huge back home. So no, stay on the ground, do not fight. So that's the reason why I hate them. Here they're tiny, they're like the pinky finger now. They're tiny, but still. They're cockroach. They're a cockroach and a fly. So when that saw that thing somehow appear on my dashboard and then make its way for the passenger passenger seat area, I open the window and I'm just like, I'm I'm like driving and I'm like, kick, just stay in your lane. I'm on the highway, I can't pull over. I'm just staying in your lane, and I'm like eyeing the freaking thing. And

Face Cues, Wrinkles, And Cockroaches

SPEAKER_03 24:20

I'm like, nope, don't move. Stay there five more minutes. And then I'm like, tell me so how I'm like, they're the vicious things to kill. Like, it's so hard to kill a cockroach. They have such a hard shell, they're they're the hardest things to kill. Little did I know that because here they're so small, they're actually not that hard. But I I broke that thing to pieces. I kept slamming it with my shoe. Oh, I was like, I was like, nope, nope, nope, not in my car, not near me. The funny thing is I don't know where that thing comes from, and it's bothering me because I'm like, what if there's more? So I it's more I'm gonna need to take my card apart.

SPEAKER_01 25:04

I think you should.

SPEAKER_02 25:08

I I'm I'm a person that I just need like facts. When someone tells me something, it's like it's not that I don't believe you, it's that I just need a good fact check.

SPEAKER_03 25:22

So yesterday at Tribunite, the first few questions, I knew the answer, but no one wanted to believe me. So one of the answers was who found or who created invented concrete? And this guy goes, the Greeks. The Greeks. And I'm like, no, the Romans. But like I said it so fast, they're like, Oh, you sound so certain. I'm like, I am so they put it down, they're like, okay. Then the other one was the Coliseum had a retractable roof, and everyone is like, no. And I'm like, yes, and they're like, no. So we end up pointing putting no. And I'm like, I'm like, guys, like, I'm telling you, it's true. Like, it had a retractable roof. Like, so we kept answering the other questions. The other one was how long it took to build Taj Mahal, and it was 22 years, and everyone thought it was longer, but then someone's like, but there were like he built it for his wife and they were still alive. And I'm like, yeah, so did they live till 100? Because if it takes 94 years to build something, I'm pretty sure they were there by then. So they're like, okay, maybe you're right. So 22. And then eventually, they're like, you know what? If they asking if he had a retractable roof, it's probably because they did. If not, why would they ask? So I'm like, okay, so everyone agrees that it did. So we invent eventually changed. The answers came. All right. And they were like, the ones that I was like, nope, this is the answer to this, right? And they're like, oh my god. And I'm like, I look around, it's like me, another girl, and the rest is guys. And I'm like, are you guys all married? And they're like, yeah. And one was like, I was. I'm like, so I hope you guys all learn that your wife is always right. And one of them was like, yeah, my wife is. I'm like, no, no, no, no. The message is every woman is always right.

SPEAKER_01 27:25

Oh, you created tension.

SPEAKER_03 27:28

I'm like, I am right. No one wants to believe in me, and I'm here fighting for my answer.

SPEAKER_02 27:34

And I'm like, really? Oh no, but trust me, if we're alone in a desert, I'm trusting you.

SPEAKER_03 27:40

Oh, only if we're alone in the desert, no chat GPT available.

SPEAKER_02 27:44

Okay, I don't chat GPT. Thank you for available. Google, it's the same thing. You have Google Gemini.

SPEAKER_03 27:49

Google Gemini. Thank you very much. Are you are you the type of person that only reads like the first thing they say on Google? Uh no. Okay, okay. Because I have a funny story about bears. Someone told me one time that black bears don't actually hibernate. And I laugh so hard. Like, no, no, no, I Google it. Like, okay. I did Google it in front of that person. And I'm like, the Gemini Google says that they don't. But then studies explain that they do they do hibernate a lot less than other bears, but they still do hibernate.

SPEAKER_02 28:25

So I'm like, No, I'm let's not read the Google Gemini. Yeah, unless I don't click on three, four different websites and read it at read it out.

Fact Checking, Trivia, And AI Skepticism

SPEAKER_02 28:35

I don't believe Gemini. Gemini at the end of the day, it's AI. Okay, they get their information from God knows where. But from everyone that feeds it. That's true. You know? Nothing. Don't worry about it.

SPEAKER_03 28:50

Oh god. Oh god. Okay, guys.

SPEAKER_02 28:55

I hope you enjoyed this uh little This was more of our TED talk of what we actually like wanted this podcast to be.

SPEAKER_03 29:05

This is funny, because we went from uh why are we scared to ask? What are we to god knows what to bugs to to AI?

SPEAKER_02 29:16

Always our conversations, and I just hope you guys enjoy it as well and interact with us too. You can find our podcasts at Spotify, Apple Music, and where else? Apple Podcasts.

SPEAKER_03 29:30

Apple Podcasts. And then if you go into our Buzzport log like uh page, it's actually you can probably find it in other platforms or even here directly from Buzzport.

SPEAKER_02 29:46

Yes, please follow us on Instagram, TikTok, and yeah, we need to start posting more. I know we're so bad at posting.

Wrap Up And Where To Follow

SPEAKER_02 29:55

I know we need to get on that.

SPEAKER_03 29:59

Go get better in the summer, I promise.

SPEAKER_02 30:01

It will, it will, 100%.

SPEAKER_03 30:03

Sah will be oxygen.

SPEAKER_02 30:06

Exactly.

SPEAKER_03 30:06

She needs something to do.

SPEAKER_02 30:08

Exactly. So thank you so much for listening to this episode. And this is She Said What She Said.