Episode 23: Talk To Someone

Grief counselling won't fix your grief. It won't take away the loss. It won't make you stop missing them. 

But what it can do is help you carry what feels impossible to carry alone. 

This week I'm talking about therapy, guilt, anger, healing, and why asking for help is one of the bravest things you can do ☕️🖤

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Hello and welcome back to the Early Morning Coffee Club. The podcast by grief is intense, humour is finely ground, and strength sneaks up on you like a double shot.

SPEAKER_01 0:15

We survive Father's Day on Sunday and give myself a big pat on the back for that. I mean a few people have asked me, oh, how was the weekend?

SPEAKER_00 0:25

And I keep saying the same thing to everyone. It was better than last year, but then last year I didn't really get out of bed all day. So yeah. Bit of a low bar, but we exceeded that bar all the same. No, we had a really lovely day with my dad and Alex's dad. Very busy, full of distractions. And of course, once all the people go home, that's when it really hits home for me. And to top it all off, the dog Honey ate one of my fridge magnets. But it wasn't just any fridge magnet, it was a little Viking with a hairy beard with the words Estonia on that Alex and I got from our trip to Estonia when I was pregnant with Oscar. And Alex chose that fridge magnet, but he said that our future baby would like the sort of furry beard. If you look at our fridge at home, it's covered in fridge magnets from almost every country that we've been to. So we obviously had to get a fridge magnet, but that's a particularly special one. And I came home on Saturday and found the remnants of it in the garden chewed to pieces by the dog. And yeah, that was the first really sentimental thing of Alex's that yeah, has been broken or destroyed. Like I have different I have mugs that mean a lot, I have item of items of clothing, lots of things that um yeah, I'm very precious about. But yeah, did not foresee the dog also taking a liking to that furry beard on that fridge magnet and chewing the thing to pieces. I was surprisingly upset about this fridge magnet. So yeah. In today's episode, I wanted to talk to you about something that gets mentioned quite a lot, but it's not always understood, and that is grief counselling. Or therapy, or talking to someone. Or as I used to think of it, absolutely not, I'll be fine, thank you. But if I had a pan for every time in the first few weeks people said to me, Have you thought about counselling? You should try and talk to someone, it might help.

SPEAKER_01 2:41

Then I would be a millionaire.

SPEAKER_00 2:46

But really, every time internally I was like, no. Not because I didn't believe. What is someone gonna tell me that's going to make this better? Like, are they gonna bring him back? No? Cool. Then I'll just sit here in my emotional chaos, thank you. And I think that's a really common misconception that grief counselling is there to fix your grief, to make it smaller, quieter, more manageable. Like you go in, cry a bit, and come out healed, as if it's some kind of emotional car wash. Spoiler, it's not. Grief counselling doesn't fix your grief.

SPEAKER_01 3:27

It helps you carry it, and that is a very different thing. I didn't go straight away.

SPEAKER_00 3:35

I was busy, distracted, functioning on caffeine in denial, but also I didn't have the capacity to sit in a room and feel things on purpose. But then things started to slow down, the distractions wore off, and suddenly it all caught up with me. I found myself talking to anyone who would listen, trying to wrap my head around what had actually happened. And it was at the point where I went to have my eyebrows waxed, and I lay there as she said, So how was your Christmas? And I replied, Not great, my husband died. How was yours? And I realized then that I needed to tell someone with more qualifications in this department. That poor beautician probably found that appointment more uncomfortable than I did, and I was the one there for a wax. And yeah, that's when I realized avoiding it wasn't actually making it easier, it was just delaying it. Like grief was sitting there patiently waiting for me to finally acknowledge it. So I went reluctantly, slightly defensive, fully prepared to hate it. And here's the part that no one really tells you. The first few sessions awkward as hell. Like painfully awkward. You're sitting across from a stranger who's looking at you with a level of eye contact that feels illegal. And they're saying things like, And how does that make you feel? And you're like, I don't know, Sandra, how do you think it makes me feel?

SPEAKER_01 5:10

But underneath the awkwardness, something shifts.

SPEAKER_00 5:15

Because for the first time, you're in a space where you don't have to hold it together, you don't have to protect anyone else, you don't have to dilute your grief to make it more comfortable for other people. You can just say the thing. The real thing. The messy, irrational, unfiltered thing. And that is powerful because grief isn't neat, it's not logical, it's not polite, doesn't follow rules. One minute you're fine, the next minute you're crying because you saw its favorite snack in Tesco. And you don't even like that snack. Grief counseling gives you a place where all of that is allowed. Where nothing you say is too much. And more than that, it helps you understand what's actually happening in your brain and your body. Because grief isn't just emotional, as I've discovered on previous podcast episodes. It's physical, it's neurological. It's actually your entire nervous system trying to process something that doesn't quite make sense. Things like why you feel numb one minute and then completely overwhelmed the next, why your memory is terrible, why you're exhausted all the time, why small things suddenly feel impossible. You're not losing your mind, you're grieving. And having someone sit there and say, that is normal, that makes sense, you're not broken. Of course it doesn't fix it, but it takes away that extra layer of what is wrong with me. And honestly, that alone is quite the relief. But I think the biggest thing it gave me was permission. Permission to feel things I didn't think I was allowed to feel, like anger, not just vague abstract anger, real anger. At life, at the situation, which feels really uncomfortable to admit, because when someone dies, especially someone you love, there's this unspoken expectation that you only feel sadness. But grief is actually so much more complicated than that. And bottling parts of it up doesn't make them disappear. It actually makes them louder. It also helped me with the guilt, because grief comes with a lot of that. Guilt for laughing, guilt for moving forward, guilt for having moments where you feel okay, like you're betraying something or someone. And talking that through and actually saying it out loud, it takes away some of that power. Because when it stays in your head, it feels true. When you say it out loud, you start to realize it's just the feeling, it's not a fact. Now I'm not going to sit here and say everyone needs therapy, because that's not true. It isn't for everyone. And it's not the only way to process grief. But I will say this: if you're carrying a lot on your own, if your thoughts feel too loud or stuck or overwhelming, having someone neutral to talk can make a difference. Not because they fix it, but because they sit in it with you without trying to change it. And sometimes that's exactly what you need. Also, practical note, finding the right counselor matters. Not every therapist is going to be your person, and that's okay. If it feels off, if you don't feel comfortable, you are allowed to try someone else. This isn't a one-size-fits-all situation. And no, they don't all sit there going, and how does that make you feel? Well, actually some do, but the good ones adapt. Over the past 18 months, I have spoken to a lot of different counsellors. The first was newly qualified, so she was cheaper, but she didn't have a lot of experience in bereavement. And although those sessions allowed me to sit there and just word vomit everything that I needed to get out, I didn't really feel like I gained much from those appointments. I was then recommended a different therapist who was absolutely atrocious. In our first session, she asked me if I was crying a lot. And I said, honestly, no. And that is one of the reasons that I am seeking a grief counsellor. I think I'm bottling up a lot of emotions, and then they're coming out in these huge outbursts that I can't control, and it's scary. And the counsellor turned to me and said, Ah, you see crying as a sign of weakness. And I just stared in confusion. Like, I never said those words. I replied, No, I I don't see crying as a sign of weakness. I maybe see losing control of your emotions as a sign of weakness. No, no, you see crying as a sign of weakness. At this point I could feel my blood boiling. Don't tell me how I'm feeling. This is counselling. I meant to tell you how I feel. She said, Okay, okay, let's do a different exercise. I want you to give me a list of positive attributes about yourself. I'm sorry, what the fuck does this have to do with me losing my husband suddenly at the age of 30? This lady was really, really getting on my nerves. And I'm not one to hide my emotions very well. So she said, Hmm, I can censor something you're not telling me, Megan. Do you want to share it with me? And I said, Uh, no, I don't want to share it with you. And she said, Okay, let's try this. Close your eyes. So I close my eyes. And she said, I'd like you to think of a nice, happy, safe place. I did. And she said, I'm gonna count to three. One.

SPEAKER_01 11:17

Two. Three. Now just tell me. No, I just said no. Holy fuck.

SPEAKER_00 11:29

The remaining of the appointment, this lady told me her whole life story about all the grief that she'd experienced, and how she'd coped with it, and cried a lot, I should add. And I thought, I'm no qualified therapist, but I know that you should not be sharing this much detail about your personal life with me. Anyway, any same person would have emailed this lady afterwards and said, I'm sorry, I don't think this is for me. But I just kept cancelling my second appointment. Eventually, I couldn't hide from her anymore after she'd called and emailed to chase me. But I had an idea. So, our second appointment. It was on video call this time around. And she answered and she said, How are you, Megan? And I was like, I'm absolutely great, thank you. How are you? She looked confused. Oh, o okay. Um and Oscar is here, okay? He is amazing. He's so good. Yeah, we're absolutely fine. Oh. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about in today's session? Um no, I can't think of anything. No hurdles, though obstacles that you've had to overcome these past few weeks? No, none at all. We're great. I feel like such a bitch admitting this now, but maybe I was a bit of a bitch at the start of all of this. I don't care. This poor lady looked at her watch and said, Oh, okay, we'll call this a half session today. And I was like, Yeah, that sounds great. And she said, I'll email you to book in our next session. And you know what? She never fucking emailed me. I got ghosted by my therapist. I think that's actually a podcast. Like that saying you have to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince charming. I feel like that's kind of the same for therapists. And I have since had some great therapists. They've helped me realize that grief counselling isn't actually about moving on, it's about learning how to move forward while still carrying what you've lost. And let me tell you, that is a skill, one that takes time, it takes patience. So if you've been thinking about it but putting it off, maybe this is your little nudge. And if you're not ready, that's okay too. There's no timeline, there's no right way to do this. It's just your way. And whatever that looks like right now, it's enough. Oscar. When you listen to these episodes one day, I wonder what you'll think of them.

SPEAKER_01 14:17

Maybe you'll laugh at how much I talk. Maybe you'll roll your eyes and think, oh, mum, honestly. Or maybe you'll hear things that you never knew. Like how I thought needing help meant that I wasn't coping, and that I should be able to carry everything on my own. What I've learned is that strength isn't about carrying everything by yourself.

SPEAKER_00 14:41

Sometimes strength is admitting that something is too heavy and letting someone else help you hold it. Losing daddy changed both of our lives forever. And it changed me in ways I'm still discovering. There were days when I felt completely lost, days when I didn't know how to be the person I was before, because that person doesn't exist anymore. But through all of it, there was one thing that never changed, and that was you. Your smile, your questions, your hugs, your ability to make me laugh when I was convinced I never would again. You gave me reasons to keep moving forward on days when standing still felt easier. And I hope that as you grow up, you know that you never have to carry hard things alone, whether it's grief, sadness, worry, fear, or something you can't even find words for yet. Talk to someone. Ask for help. Lean on the people who love you. There is no prize for struggling in silence. And if life ever feels overwhelming, I hope you remember that even the strongest people sometimes need someone to sit beside them and say, I've got you. And let me tell you that now. I've always got you. Thank you for sitting and listening with me today. This has been the Early Morning Coffee Club. I'm sorry you're here, but I'm glad we're here together. I'll speak to you next week.