Stop Controlling What People Think (It’s Exhausting)

You're trying to control something that was never in your control.
 
And the exhaustion you're feeling is because you're spending every ounce of energy managing how others perceive you, and that's impossible.
 
Here's what I've noticed after 15 years of working with high-achieving women and leaders: The women and leaders who burned out weren't the ones who needed to be nicer or work harder. They were the ones trapped in trying to manage something that was never theirs to manage in the first place.
 
In this episode, you'll learn:
 

• Why trying to control opinions creates the exhaustion (and it's not what you think)  
• The 3-part framework for letting go of perception management without losing your standards  
• How to redirect that wasted energy into the ONE thing that actually matters  
• What to do when you're afraid people will get the wrong idea about you  
• The exact shift that changes how high-achievers think about other people's judgments

 
Real talk: This episode is for anyone who's been over-explaining decisions, staying late to prove commitment, softening their voice so they're not "too much," or saying yes when they mean no; all in an effort to manage how someone perceives them.
 
What you'll discover is that the clarity, resilience, and self-respect you're looking for aren't found in becoming better at people-pleasing. It's found in one specific shift in how you think about perception itself.
 
 Free resource: The 3-Clarity Questions Workbook

This podcast is part of my deeper work supporting women who are capable, accomplished, and exhausted from overgiving, overcarrying, and losing themselves inside the life they’ve built.

If you’re ready to go deeper, here are a few ways to begin:

Take the Burnout Assessment
Explore my book, Claws Out: Thriving in a World That Wants You Tamed
Book a Reset Session with me and get clear on the deeper reason behind your pressure, confusion, or emotional exhaustion.

Transcript

Penelope Magoulianiti 0:02

You are never going to control what other people think about you. Not if you try for the next 10 years. And the woman I am about to tell you finally accepted this in our last session. And for the first time in three years, she actually felt relieved. And here's what happened. She was part of a team of six. Brilliant, competent, the kind of person who gets tapped for promotions. But she was also running an internal 24-7 reputation management operation. She overexplained decisions to make sure no one thought she was cold. She stayed late to make sure no one thought she wasn't committed. She softened her feedback so no one thought she was harsh. She said yes to mentoring, coffee meetings and extra projects, even though most of the time she didn't want to, because she couldn't afford to be seen as unsupportive. Sound familiar? Because this woman is sitting in my office right now. And if you've climbed to any level of visibility, whether that is in a boardroom, a startup, or a family where you are the one everyone counts on, you've probably done versions of this too. And here's what nobody talks about. This exhaustion that you may be feeling right now isn't about being too much. It's because you are trying to control something that was never in your control. I spent 15 years watching high achievers, burnout, trying to manage other people's narratives. And throughout these years I noticed that the women who finally stopped the exhaustion weren't the ones who got better at people pleasing. They weren't the ones who became more strategically likable. They were the ones who made one specific shift in how they thought about other people's opinions. And that's what we are walking through today. Not toxic positivity, not just be yourself nonsense. A framework that actually works because it's based on something true about how human perception actually works. By the end of this episode you will understand one, why does controlling opinions create exhaustion in the first place? Two, the three-part framework for letting go without losing your standards. Three, how to redirect that energy into the one thing that actually matters. And if you are thinking, but what if people get the wrong idea about me? That's exactly where we are starting. Let me ask you something. Has a moment ever gone exactly the way you plan it? No, right? Yet here's what many ambitious people do. We treat other people's opinions like a project we can control. Like if we just say the right thing, show up the right way, anticipate the right concern. We can manage what someone thinks. And this is the trap. Every ounce of energy you spend trying to control an opinion is energy you are taking from somewhere else, from the actual work, from your own clarity, from your boundaries, from the people who actually matter. And more importantly, it's impossible. You literally cannot control what someone believes about you because their belief isn't created by your behavior. It's created by their filters, their insecurities, their past experiences, their mood that day, what their partner said that morning. You can show up as the most articulate, prepared, thoughtful version of yourself and someone will still walk away thinking she's too strategic or maybe she doesn't really care or even she's trying too hard. And that's not a failure on your part. This is what I want you to understand. That's just how perception works. So the question isn't how do I control what people think? The question is how do I stop wasting energy on something that was never mine to control? Here's the framework I am talking about. Three decisions. Once you make them, the exhaustion drops almost immediately. One, separate their opinions from their competence. And this is one that surprises people. You can think someone is absolutely right and still not be obligated to change how you show up. You can respect someone's judgment and still not organize your behavior around their approval. And let me give you an example. A woman I worked with was in a meeting with a senior partner who had a particular management style. He was very direct, no small talk. And she was spending hours preparing her updates to make sure she sounded likable, softer, less intense, because she thought his opinion on her meant something about her value. But months after and with lots of stress in the process, she came to the realization that his opinion of her didn't need to match her opinion of herself. She could respect his competence and stop translating herself for him. This is huge because the moment you entangle what this person thinks of me from who I actually am, you get access to a ton of energy. And I want you to ask yourself this. Whose opinion am I actually trying to control right now? And is that person's judgment something I actually respect? Or am I just afraid of their disapproval? If it's fear, that's where the exhaustion lives. And that's your signal to move to part two. The second part, get clear on your non-negotiables. This is where you actually build your foundation. So instead of trying to control how people perceive you, you get clear on three things you refuse to compromise on. And you do this not for likability, not for approval, not for the narrative. For most high achievers I work with, this looks like this. Let me give you some example. I show up honest in my communication. I hold the standards I've set. I make decisions based on what's right, not what's popular. These are your standards. Not what you think people want to see, not what's safest. Once you have this, some things shift. Because now when you are in a moment where you could people please or could say stay true to yourself, you have an anchor. You are not asking what will make this person like me. You are asking, is this consistent with my non-negotiable? And that question has clarity built in. The answer is either yes or no, and you can live with either outcome because you are not tying your self-respect to someone else's opinion. The irony, people actually respect you more when you are clear on what you want compromise on. Clarity is magnetic. Desperation to be liked is exhausting to be around. And the final part, the third, invest in the opinions that matter. Now that you've freed up all that energy you were spending on controlling perceptions, you get to choose where it actually goes. And here what I recommend. Invest in the five to seven people whose opinions actually inform how you see yourself. Usually these are people who know you well, people who've earned your trust, people who tell you the truth even when it's uncomfortable. You show up differently for these relationships. You're more present, more real, more invested in actually being understood because that is where the relational energy pays off. You are not performing for audiences, you are not managing impressions, but what you do is actually connect with people who matter. So let me ask you, who are the people whose perspective on you actually shapes how you show up? Are you investing in those relationships or are you spreading that energy across fifty people who barely know you? When you shift this, you actually become more strategic about relationships not less. You are just strategic in a way that fills your cup rather than drains it. I know what you might be thinking, but what if people get the wrong idea about me? What if someone thinks I'm not a team player or not ambitious or not engaged? Fair question. And here's my honest answer. Some people will and you will survive it. Here's what I've seen happen more often. When you stop trying to control the narrative, you actually become less misunderstood because you're no longer performing, you're no longer overexplaining, you are no longer doing the things that create confusion in the first place. People can sense when you are trying to manage their perception. It creates distance, it creates suspicion, it actually creates misunderstanding. But when you stop, when you show up clear and honest and committed in your non-negotiables, people start to know who you are. Do they all like it? No, but they get it. And being understood, even when not everyone approves, is infinitely less exhausting than performing. And here's another thought for you to explore. You get to choose how much you want to invest in correcting someone's wrong opinion. Spoiler alert, the answer is usually zero. If someone doesn't see you, that's not a project for you to fix. That's information. And you get to decide what you do with it. So here's what we covered. One, trying to control opinions is impossible and exhausting because perception isn't created by your behavior. It's created by their filters. Two, the framework is separate their opinion from their competence, get clear on your non negotiables and invest your relational energy in the people who actually matter. Three, when you stop managing perceptions, you become clearer, not invisible. You become more respected, not less. The woman I mentioned at the beginning of this episode, she still shows up prepared. She still cares about doing good work, but she stopped organizing her entire presence around managing how that partner thought about her. And the last week he told her that she was one of the most straightforward people he works with, someone he actually knows how to work with. Turns out people like knowing where you actually stand, and you like yourself more when you do too. If this resonated, I want to invite you to do one thing this week. Write down the people whose opinions you are currently investing energy in, trying to control. Who are they? What are you afraid they will think? Then write down your three non-negotiables, the things you refuse to compromise on, no matter what. And just notice what shifts when you see those two lists next to each other. Usually clarity happens right there. And if you want to go deeper with this, if you're ready to actually step out of the exhaustion of managing perceptions and step into the clarity of knowing who you are, I've got a free workbook called The Three Clarity Questions workbook that helps you see the pattern. You can find it at Penelopemagoulianiti.com forward slash clarity-workbook. And if you found this useful, please share it with someone who's spending too much energy trying to control someone's opinion or just send it to yourself as a reminder that your self-respect doesn't need anyone's permission. Thanks for listening. I will see you next week.