Sparking the Torch

Episode 5 - Colleen - Addiction, Grief, and Somatic Yoga

• Jessica Timmerman • Season 1 • Episode 5

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This week's guest shares a glimpse of her wisdom. Colleen left her trucker hats and mini-skorts to embrace sobriety, healing and welcome in love. After the death of her partner, she chose to pack up her bags and leave the only home she's ever known for a fresh start in Florida. We talk cocaine and alcohol addiction, grief, healing, financial hardship and somatic yoga. 


Illuminate with Colleen | Holistic Healing


Treatment and Recovery | National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA)


What to Expect After Losing a Spouse – National Widowers' Organization

Jess

Welcome to Sparking the Torch Podcast. My name is Jess and I'll be your guide weekly to highlight guest tales of lived experiences that offer illuminating ideas and insights. Three years ago, my brother slash best friend died while on active duty in the US Army. The worst possible outcome happened, and I thought I'd never get by. When my world was dark others poured their light into me. Now it's my turn to return the favor. Storytelling inspires hope. Join us each week fellow torch sparklers, and prepare for transformation.

Jess Timmerman

Welcome to Sparking the Torch. I'm Jess, and today I'm interviewing the incomparable Queen Colleen from Florida. It's funny. I originally wrote from Baltimore and I said, oh no New brand, new life.

Colleen Broersma

True. I still resonate with Baltimore so hardcore. So that's why I'm Ooh, I am from Florida now, aren't I?

Jess Timmerman

Yes, but definitely incomparable. Colleen, how are you today?

Colleen Broersma

I'm so happy to be here with you. Thank you.

Jess Timmerman

Thank you so much for taking your time out to do this. So season one on Sparking the Torch is about inspiration and why I am gonna put this on you'cause it makes everyone uncomfortable. Why do you think, your name came to mind Can you tell our listeners about yourself and maybe why I find you inspirational or any parts of your story?

Colleen Broersma

Hi everybody. I'm Colleen. I know you can't see me wave, but I'm waving. I am originally from Maryland, as Jess said, and I met Jessica working at a restaurant slash sports bar in Baltimore, Maryland, where I had a 15 year illustrious career, wearing many hats. But I think the biggest hat I wore of all was. Honestly, the Queen Colleen moniker, I was a sassy short skirt miniskirt wearing. White blonde hair tan as I could be party girl. And I do mean party girl. It wasn't, that was my full-time job. I had a drug addiction and alcohol addiction, and in my mind, I was living my best, most carefree life. I was much older than most of the people that worked in the restaurant with me, but they were my family and you guys still are, you're still, if anything really amazing came outta that or the connections. But I grew up at mothers, even though I started the job in my thirties. I went through an evolution of growth there obviously can't speak for you, but I would imagine. the reason that you tapped me for this is because of being able to shift the narrative from the drug addiction and the alcohol addiction and having the spiritual awakening after the death of my partner and, really starting to find out who I am, Why I'm here and starting to live my dharma on purpose instead of self-medicating and, numbing out and disassociation and all the other things that I was doing without even knowing it. I didn't understand any of the process back then, so.

Jess Timmerman

Yes. you touched on so many things and if I was more tech savvy, I could pin them For anyone that's not familiar with Baltimore's, a city built of neighborhoods and Federal Hill was the neighborhood you wanted to live in, post-college, pre-marriage, it's where everyone to scene. And I think at the time you were a totem of Baltimore. You're not really A person from Baltimore, unless you've spotted John Water somewhere, you have a big boy bail bod pen, Colleen and mothers in Federal Hill. Like to me you were a totem.

Colleen Broersma

Thank you. I still get recognized, not in Florida, but everywhere I went, everybody knew me from mothers. It was always six degrees of separation of others.

Jess Timmerman

Okay, you make, quitting and addiction sounds easy. no. I mean we just we're having a short conversation. there was no rock bottom in the movie sense, You weren't running a mafia cocaine ring. In South America. did you look in the mirror one day and you were I don't want this, and then just tried your best to make the choices every day

Colleen Broersma

Yeah. It was actually really like that I'm a stubborn Capricorn. Everything that I've ever quit in my life, I've just stopped doing it cold Turkey.

Jess Timmerman

That's amazing.

Colleen Broersma

sometimes it's at the detriment of my own wellbeing. I never asked for help. I probably could have really used some support during that time,

Jess Timmerman

right.

Colleen Broersma

But I just quit cold Turkey, with the drugs. I'm sorry, it was a little bit more subtle. I would carry it around with me for a while. But I never used it. Okay. And then finally I just put it, I threw it away and put it down.

Jess Timmerman

the physical dependence. You were I don't think I can just flush all this out. Have it, yeah. I just need

Colleen Broersma

insecurity. Yeah. It was emotional support. Yeah, exactly. My nervous system didn't feel safe. Not having my drugs. Weird, right?

Jess Timmerman

Yeah.

Colleen Broersma

So I carried it around with me, but I did just stop. I just did cold Turkey and I didn't stop drinking until eight months after Lou died and I was starting yoga teacher training. It didn't make any sense to me to drink during yoga teacher training, because I am all or nothing. I don't just have one drink,

Jess Timmerman

right.

Colleen Broersma

I have the box of wine and then I'll switch to vodka,

Jess Timmerman

What's the saying? One is too much and 17 isn't enough. exactly. if anyone is listening that works in the service industry, just be careful of yourself and who you want to leave as. I think it's really incredible, when I booked all you people, my friends, my celebrity heroes for this, I left it open-ended. I thought we were gonna more talk grief and Lou, and we talked a little more addiction, which I think is really beautiful. I know I personally, struggle myself with. Any sort. control and that manifests in a lot of things. disordered eating, the alcohol thing if I don't check it. is there anything you could share for anybody about breaking the curse of alcohol addiction?

Colleen Broersma

So for me it was interesting and this is either gonna completely resonate or it's not gonna resonate and that's okay. But it was during the yoga teacher training, I decided I was just gonna put a pin in it for eight months'cause that's how long the length of the teacher training was. I'm like, I'm not gonna drink for that eight months. And then I'll start drinking again. But at the end of the eight months was December, and Lou died in January, so it would've been the one year anniversary. And in January is also my birthday. that feels really yucky. To drink like that doesn't feel like that's gonna support me. I'm gonna spiral back into a deeper, darker depression, handling the one year anniversary and the grief and the loss and all the things. So I didn't, but in that interim, I had my first like real conversation with spirit, God, whoever you pray to, right? creator. And I heard this voice in my head that said. If Colleen, and it was my own voice, but I knew it was a higher, you know, higher self. Yeah. If you want to do this, if you want to be this healer, if you want to be this yoga teacher, if you wanna hang these signs up and say, I am, going to be of service, I'm going to change my life, then you need to stop shrinking. And it was a come to Jesus moment, really. an aha. And that's when I made the decision not to drink anymore.'cause all along. Through yoga teacher training. I was like, I'm gonna drink again. I'm gonna drink again. This is just temporary. This is just temporary,

Jess Timmerman

right?

Colleen Broersma

I made it for eight months, having been a girl, that drank every single day and was drunk 90% of the time. eight months was a huge accomplishment for me. So when I heard that voice, I listened.

Jess Timmerman

That's really special. Thank you for sharing that. All these things that don't serve us, we hold onto, you're I can still be a healer, but I don't wanna give up this part. But it wasn't serving you be your highest self.

Colleen Broersma

and that's not to say that you can't drink and do what I do, like we said earlier, like I was all or nothing, Yeah. I became vegan too. I did all these ipo, like stopped drinking, caffeine became vegan. I'm eating meat again. I thought, a healer and a yoga teacher had to look a certain way and you can just be yourself.

Jess Timmerman

God didn't tell you that you couldn't have beef tacos. Correct.

Colleen Broersma

Or bacon.

Jess Timmerman

Oh, you and the bacon. It still sticks. I agree. we come out of the service industry world, transformed or the habits we think we're choosing stick with us. People don't realize it when you work in a bar, especially, mothers was high volume, very busy. There would be 30 of us working every night. you spend more time with the people you work with than your family. I think of you all the same.

Colleen Broersma

true.

Jess Timmerman

You said the death of your partner. I listening to something yesterday that said, Grief is a medicine that shatters us and cracks us open, and then all that doesn't serve us burns away, which goes to what you were talking about with the addiction. then we find our way back to who we really are. that to me resonates you. Right.

Colleen Broersma

it's so funny you say that, and I agree with that a hundred percent. But through each iteration of who I have become since Lou's death, that's my boyfriend's name, I oscillate between saying partner like the spiritual community and boyfriend like I would normally. So you'll hear me say both,

Jess Timmerman

you know the generation younger than both of us. They all say partner and It's interesting'cause you're like, what are we doing here?

Colleen Broersma

Yeah, it confuses me too, but

Jess Timmerman

you sound like a 20 something saying it. So

Colleen Broersma

my 14-year-old niece is always correcting me. you are not a millennial. Stop acting like that.

Jess Timmerman

But Lou, the love of your life, and you're welcome to talk about him here

Colleen Broersma

Yeah. He, so we came together in 2015 and it was One of the most transformational relationships I've ever been in because it was the first relationship I really had ever held. I'd been in a few other really destructive ones before that just gutted me were really unhealthy, very toxic. he was the first relationship that was healthy, loving, supportive, where he. Loved me really unconditionally, and it was such a beautiful, potent time in my life where I was so present for it all. by the time we came together I was done with cocaine. I had put it down, I couldn't tell you a definitive date. I don't remember when it was. I just know I had stopped using it, but I was still drinking. I was still drinking quite heavily. the cocaine addiction lasted over a decade and a half, so that was pretty big for me to be able to just put that down. when we started dating, it was just, ah. It was one of the most beautiful times of my life, albeit very brief, and we just lived out loud, loved out loud, and we just had the best time. Like it was fairytale living in the bubble because we were. Together for about three years and we never really, none of the flaws had really started to show up yet. We were still living in that fantasy land, just

Jess Timmerman

honeymoon phase the, yeah,

Colleen Broersma

that's the word I was looking

Jess Timmerman

for. You don't see the red flags. It's all

Colleen Broersma

We did, I laughed, I think back to it and maybe I've romanticized it in my mind since this death,'cause it's been eight years. But I think we only ever fought when I was hungry, so he started carrying G layer of bars around because I get hungry. But

Jess Timmerman

I think that's a gift of our psyche, Rosie recollection, especially when we don't get enough time with our loved ones. I think I, it's okay. Of course they're human. I'm sure he bothered you. He chewed too loud when he went to dinner, but who cares now?

Colleen Broersma

And same and vice versa, But for the most part, it was really just a really beautiful relationship and it really allowed me to experience and receive love. He died, in January of 2018. We were celebrating my 50th birthday in Paris and he had a fatal cardiac arrest, on our last night there and didn't survive it. the awakening I had, if you wanna call it that, and I do the spiritual, the awakening I had was almost instant. And simultaneously, while I'm experiencing all these synchronicities. New thoughts coming in and just this awareness, I also disassociated and jumped outta my body. So there was like two parts of me happening at the same time. I watched everything from up above because I was in shock. I was frozen and. The other part of me was okay, some things are happening here. Why do I keep seeing the numbers? My birthday is January 17th, one 17. I saw 17 everywhere after that. The hotel room that I stayed in after I left our hotel room that we were sharing was, number 17. My flight home was one 17. It was like five other experiences. The church, next to where we found the funeral home had his name in it. it was just so many beautiful synchronicity. I know he was with me, but he was the catalyst for the growth, it felt like a total death of my old self. He died and I died too.

Jess Timmerman

yeah.

Colleen Broersma

I feel like you can probably relate to that because nothing in your life seems real anymore. if this could happen to you, how can the earth still be spinning? How can this still be happening? How can any of this be true? If this is your life, if this is your reality, right? And it was juggling all these different aspects of myself simultaneously, and it was really messy in the beginning.

Jess Timmerman

Did you feel like you were going crazy? That's, that simplifies it? I think the disassociation is spot on and I think with my brother, I look back at the very beginning. I was a force, but like you said, I was outta my body. I look back now and I'm how did you do all that stuff? And then I don't know if it's adrenaline or I don't know what is protecting you. But

Colleen Broersma

it is my belief that it's a trauma response. I was a full, I was a force too.

Jess Timmerman

You put on the most beautiful funeral. I wish I could have been there. You have to share, the procession

Colleen Broersma

Yeah, the memorial party. So his memorial party was one month to the day he died and I, he threw it like it was our wedding. if we had gotten married, which we weren't engaged, but I knew we, we were headed that way. I threw it like it was our wedding. I got his favorite band. I got one of my favorite DJs. I hired a second line and we had a massive parade around. Baltimore, where we lived, not the entirety of Baltimore, but just in the center that we lived and I wanna say 50 to 60 people showed up for it, like it was a brass band. then we had a massive party afterwards and it was a celebration of life. it was beautiful. And after that, I signed up for yoga teacher training. And after that I found energy healing. And I wanna say it was a consecutive, almost five years of back to back things. As a trauma response, right? Because I didn't wanna sit with my emotions and have to be in my body and feel my grief.

Jess Timmerman

Okay?

Colleen Broersma

And I didn't realize

Jess Timmerman

do you think healing your addiction gave you the gift of getting back to yourself? Because we have to heal ourselves first to then move forward.

Colleen Broersma

I wanna give that all to yoga. I found yoga before Lou died. Okay. I found yoga in 2014. I had signed up. Do you remember Todd Bauer?

Jess Timmerman

Yes,

Colleen Broersma

he was.

Jess Timmerman

was your trainer, right?

Colleen Broersma

Yes. He was our trainer and he was training Kevin Spacey at the time for whatever big show he was on. And I reached out to him'cause my weight has fluctuated over the years in the bar business and everything. And I was Todd, I need you to work me out. He's like, I can't work you out because I'm on call 24 7, but let's do this program. And it was a whole 30 program. So I did that and I got a free month of yoga out of it. Okay. And I went to the first class, and on my very first class, I cried on my mat and something shifted in with me, and that was the shift to get me to put down the drugs and stop drinking so much. If I'm being honest. if I wanted to trace it and I became just as addicted to yoga as I was to everything else. I would go to two classes a day, but I loved it. But it was really the opening for me to allow, to start to see the spiritual aspect of myself. Like questions. I would start asking who is my true, authentic self? What is an authentic self? But I still didn't realize at that point in time that I was, I started my disassociation way before Lou's death. But it was very noticeable during Lou's death. Like I wasn't living in my body a lot before that, but once Lou died, it was apparent that I was not in my body so

Jess Timmerman

clearly we've known each other for a long time. I think we started working together late 2007, almost 20 years. Isn't that nuts?

Colleen Broersma

Wow.

Jess Timmerman

I know this and you didn't share this in your story. We don't get to be adults. I was gonna say in the bar business, but it's all adults. We have baggage of childhood, But you did have some trauma from childhood that probably put you on this path. then when you find yoga and you're crying on the mat, it's all right, trauma. stirs Up everything. It makes everything fair game that you've never dealt with. Do you feel that?

Colleen Broersma

Yes. I'm still unpacking that. my father's death. Yeah. And then my grandmother died, so it was a lot of death. So it's so clear to me now, and it's still so loud, even in 2026, after eight years of working on myself, that I still have a belief system that it's not safe for me to love.

Jess Timmerman

Yeah,

Colleen Broersma

because they're gonna die. Because I believe whoever I love is going to die, you know, fully commit myself to is going to die.

Jess Timmerman

Hardcore abandonment wound.

Colleen Broersma

it is,

Jess Timmerman

that speaks to you the, that language.

Colleen Broersma

Yeah.

Jess Timmerman

Clearly we're all a work in progress. Do you feel you're worthy of love? is that still a barrier you put up with friendship, you're living in a new place, you had this dream of starting over in Florida? I am not quintessential party girl, the fifth totem to be from Baltimore. I am a beach barefoot beauty, taking the sunshine.

Colleen Broersma

That's a great question.

Jess Timmerman

you were talking intentionality. I don't think we're living at the most intelligent time. when I thought of you, I thought you're somebody that really appreciates beautiful things. you can see art, you're music taste is that you have this depth and richness and. You're very loyal and think you have this transcendence even before your spiritual awakening. I can see how you're hard on yourself about the love thing, but I can see years ago, two, we're talking early two thousands. I can see the guards up and the facades, but I think at your soul, you know who you are. Or do you or is that something you're still working on, I guess is the question.

Colleen Broersma

definitely a work in progress. It's funny you say that. I moved to Florida, started over again, and the one thing that is so rock solid in my life right now. Are my, connections, my community, my friendships, they are deep, they are powerful. I am held, I am loved, I am supported. I try to do the same for them. I try to mirror that back. Okay. I have a beautiful, amazing community here, and the biggest thing that's been coming up for me, in the last few months has been the identity of myself. Who am I? Why am I here? What is my purpose? And on. Underneath all those layers of excavating through that is the unworthiness, shame, guilt, not loving myself at just a deeper level and layer. And I think maybe you can relate to that and maybe the a hundred percent do. Yeah. Every time we do a layer of healing, we're like, okay, whew, glad that's over. And then we find a deeper layer. Agreed and a deeper layer. I've been literally going to bed every night. I do a lot of somatic practices in my line of work with, my clients, but I've been doing everything on myself'cause that's how everything has been birthed. And I go and I hug myself and I tell myself how much I love myself and I'm worthy. And I know it sounds woo woo but I am working to reprogram the subconscious mind. I am working to clear this trauma because there's a part of me that still doesn't. It still definitely doesn't feel worthy of everything. The

Jess Timmerman

science backs the woo, it takes five good positive things to take away one, negative comment I can relate losing a dad early. I don't know if nowadays when people lose a parent at that age, but it's like a guilt. You are not worthy. It's your fault, everything's your fault. somebody said to me yesterday. Can you just play the game? can you imagine what it's like to believe in yourself to go into every day, you're lucky to see me? And I was oh, let's do that. but you are right I was just thinking of a, a visual for it you peeled a layer and then another thing pops up. You think of somebody playing in the sand and they're so proud of the whole, they dug. And then the other side, caves in, that's. You talk about community, have you, do you have a couple you play in? do you have a spiritual healer community? Are you part of any 12 step communities? Have you found that work helpful

Colleen Broersma

I don't have any 12 step programs I belong to. I would be open to it. I'm, I belong to mostly spiritual communities, and I say mostly because I'm really trying to open and expand my capacity to allow more fun and play in. So I'm looking for more communities to do fun things, but anytime I get invited anywhere I go, Ooh, maybe next time, Ooh, maybe I'll paddleboard when I learn how to stand up straight. Thanks.

Jess Timmerman

Maybe I'll swim in the ocean when I'm not afraid of sharks. Right.

Colleen Broersma

Yeah. I do go on that. I call it in and then I go,

Jess Timmerman

okay.

Colleen Broersma

And then I push it away, call it in. there's spiritual, I belong to this beautiful meditation group called Power of Eight, We could have a whole nother podcast on that. But it's really beautiful group of women that came together that has changed my life. And I met that group of women through another, A community called Wholesome Alchemy where I ended up doing a yoga teacher training with them, and now I'm going to be teaching at their new studio. And I just got so many beautiful sisters, it's like our mother's family. It's,

Jess Timmerman

yeah,

Colleen Broersma

just such a beautiful connection. I travel to California with these women, and I was just, it's just been so amazing. I really have found my tribe here and I had a tribe in Baltimore too, but it. I, I'm scared when I moved here. What if I moved here? I don't know. You know what, if I don't meet people that I can vibe with, but I have been.

Jess Timmerman

Do you remember? I have this annoying habit of having these amazing real talks and then I have to crack a joke to ease the tension and it's distracting because we're talking heavy things, to grow and I cancel out the progress. I remember not long after Lou died, I had this random dream and I texted you and I said, I think your next. Lover is gonna be a woman. And you're like, what? Maybe that's the case because I haven't met anyone. But maybe, see I am not as spiritually in tune. Maybe the message was supposed to be, you're gonna have this community of women that hold you up and it's not romantic love. Right. It. Deep life changing friendships.

Colleen Broersma

I love

Jess Timmerman

that. Do you remember that?

Colleen Broersma

I forgot, but now I do. That's so funny. Oh my God. maybe you're right. I love that. And as I was talking about that too, I just remembered, wait, Colleen, you do have fun. Because I moved to a 55 plus community. That was the big deal when I, in my community, I even said when I moved here, I bet these people teach me how to live again. Because I threw myself into my spirituality. Must be spiritual, must heal myself. Yes. I forgot to play, forgot to have fun. And since I moved here, they have taught me how to wobble. I can do the electric slide now I can do all the line dances. Like it's such a fun community. We have all kinds of events. We do bingo and all kinds of different things here. So I really do. I forgot. wait, I I do have some fun here, but It's been a lot of, growth on my end for picking up and leaving Maryland after living there my entire life.

Jess Timmerman

See, you have fun. Okay. Do you think you're gonna start scheduling in more fun, on your calendar, every three months? Think of something new you can try or,

Colleen Broersma

I'm trying to do something weekly that's outside of my comfort zone that really like. Makes me even if it doesn't work out. Yeah, just I call living on the fringe. I keep talking about things like you, you said you just threw yourself into the deep end. I'm trying to be a little bit more adventurous like that when it comes to, new experiences and, starting this new job, this new part-time job I just started, I feel like it's gonna open a whole new doorway to different things, different community, different people to connect with and different. Pathways to some joy because that's

Jess Timmerman

beautiful. The universe just provides, When you say yes to something, we're not supposed to know the whole plan, you and I share some beliefs of how we think it works on the other side, but, say we are souls that chose some of these things. If we knew what we were spo I don't, we wouldn't listen or we'd be what do you have in store for me?

Colleen Broersma

Right. if you had told me that this is my path. Yeah. 10 years ago. 10 years ago, if you had told me, I would identify as a yoga teacher, a medical intuitive, all the other l different identity things that I have right now, I would've laughed in your face. I would've said I will be a bartender in Key West in my mini skirts. Yes. There still be miniskirts, right?

Jess Timmerman

Yes. Would you have the Uggs in Key West? No.

Colleen Broersma

probably. Now that I've lived in Florida, no.

Jess Timmerman

We just never know what happens. It's,

Colleen Broersma

it's crazy. Okay.

Jess Timmerman

When Colleen and I are recording this, it's probably a day or two after James VanDerBeek passed. And what we're talking about weirdly is had you seen his recording? I think it was at sometime when he was still fighting this, he talked about his remission. I think it was his last birthday. Did you see that?

Colleen Broersma

Saw it this morning. It's so weird you say that. It made me cry. Because

Jess Timmerman

what we're talking

Colleen Broersma

about

Jess Timmerman

it's, and it's just so beautiful because we get caught up in all this stuff and then at the end of it, none of it matters.

Colleen Broersma

none of it.

Jess Timmerman

So you should fill your life with joy. You should do the next scary thing

Colleen Broersma

exactly. And it doesn't have to all be so serious. yes, healing is important. Yes, stripping away those limiting beliefs, styles and fears that keep you stuck stale and stagnant, it's so important. But there's more to it than that. you can't expand if you're not fully living, if you're not living in the vibration of joy.'cause joy is the highest vibration frequency that we can experience as humans. That I know of. It might be more. And I had been limiting myself to that because I just wanted to heal, was heal myself and it must help other people. And that's been a really big barrier.

Jess Timmerman

I get it.

Colleen Broersma

Yeah.

Jess Timmerman

you read a book, maybe I read it for like a chapter or two and I'm just gonna skip to the end and I can get that with healing stuff, I know what it's supposed to look like. Let me check those boxes back to the addiction thing, I guess I haven't pooled a bunch of people that have walked away from substance abuse issues, but I would guess that the struggle in the big picture isn't whether to pick up the substance. It is, are you ready to sit with the feelings that come that you're blocking?

Colleen Broersma

that's a powerful reframe right there, because. I'm going through something right now. that's been one of the biggest initiations that I've gone through. Like people call him Dark Night of the Souls. My one friend keeps teasing me'cause I will, I'm not calling this a dark night of the soul. It is totally a dark night of the soul.

Jess Timmerman

The dark night of the soul in a book or movie. Everything gets so much better for the protagonist right after that. So there, if you're there, you're in it.

Colleen Broersma

Oh, I'm in

Jess Timmerman

up,

Colleen Broersma

I'm in it. But I'm just like, I was just in one in 2023, so I'm just really? We have to go through this again. But it's a different layer, like I said. but the entire. Process of this. Oh my gosh, I completely forgot my train of thought and I'm so sorry

Jess Timmerman

I interrupted you. It's my fault I would

Colleen Broersma

No, that's okay. But

Jess Timmerman

okay. Dark night of the soul. You're going through,

Colleen Broersma

oh, the dark night of the soul. But what were we talking about before?'cause it was definitely reflective of that.

Jess Timmerman

addiction, being able to sit in your feelings.

Colleen Broersma

Oh, sit in your feelings. Thank you. There we go. Okay. So I, I don't have the same thing going on. after Lou died, I jumped into training, after training. Right now what I'm going through is identity and financial related, like my whole world is blown up. And it's been really shaky. I've been living in survival mode. All the things that I actually do for my clients. I have been Now You're not

Jess Timmerman

doing for yourself. Yeah.

Colleen Broersma

I am doing for myself, but I'm having to experience it at such a deeper level, creating safety in my body, regulating my nervous system. It's all these different components and things I teach. But I realized the other day'cause it's been really challenging. I started therapy again. Luckily, I've been looking for a job for over a year. Just started it. Yeah. Oh, but I'm what is the difference between now and when Lou died and why does this feel harder?

Jess Timmerman

Okay.

Colleen Broersma

I don't mean to compare them, but it was because now I have unlimited time because I wasn't working and I wasn't seeing a lot of clients. Money wasn't coming in. I was freaking out about everything. I had the time to sit with my feelings and I had to sit with my feelings. Okay. That was the difference. That was it. Yeah. I had to and I was Ugh. So uncomfortable.

Jess Timmerman

It is.

Colleen Broersma

Or I kept busy so I didn't have to. But also this is where the growth is. All the things that I tell my clients and teach and Jabber on about, I'm now having to live in real

Jess Timmerman

life. I can't think of who says it. It's one of those. Famous podcasting healers, somebody, but now I'm gonna mess up the abbreviation. She calls us like a FGMs, like another fucking growth moment. it's funny, I dropped the F bomb. You asked me if it was okay and I'd went there, but if you can be out of yourself and say, oh, this is one of those af Gs, great, thanks.

Colleen Broersma

I like that. I'm not gonna have to adopt

that.

Jess Timmerman

you bring up something that hasn't come up in these other, talks I've been having. Those times where finances get, complicated and dire. Your body is you are not safe and your brain can't function from that. If you're at a 10, alarms are going off, you are not safe. And then probably you sound good in your healing and taking care of yourself, but if you're not careful, then you come back to that guilt and shame and this is my fault, which like isn't accurate, The times we are living in are expensive and. Yeah. But if this is your dark night of soul, it's about to explode of positivity and goodness you said, yesterday was your second day of the part-time job, and you're loving it and it feels like you should have been doing it. Always right?

Colleen Broersma

Yeah. Yeah.

Jess Timmerman

Or have it in your life.

Colleen Broersma

I was, fighting, so I had a little surplus of money. my beautiful boyfriend left me money when he passed, unexpectedly. No clue that he did that. And that's what I've been living on. everybody kept putting it in my ear that it was supposed to be retirement money, like save it for retirement. And I'm okay. I never had money before. Like I always lived moment to moment as a drug addict, right? Like I,

Jess Timmerman

even as a bartender, You've got rent, a car payment and cell phone due Monday. Looks like I gotta work three more shifts,

Colleen Broersma

right. Yeah. I never budgeted, I've never had a healthy relationship with money and, I received this large amount of money and went a little buck wild. but in a good way. making your

Jess Timmerman

brain rich in all the teacher trainings and you were nourishing your soul, but not your savings account.

Colleen Broersma

Yeah, and I always expected, once I aligned, I said, okay, this was my belief system. Clearly it did not work out this way, but I'm, I know that's because I'm meant for something bigger. But I had this belief that when I started showing up in service yoga, energy healing, that the business would show up.

Jess Timmerman

Yeah,

Colleen Broersma

like the people would show up and I have had so many amazing clients over the years, but it has never been a business to support me.

Jess Timmerman

Right.

Colleen Broersma

And I so stubbornly, my Capricorn self said, I will not get a full-time job that is failure. Or get any kind of,

Jess Timmerman

no, I get you. I know where you're going.

Colleen Broersma

It is failure that is giving up on my dream. That is so many stories and limitations I put on myself. And then when I finally decided, oh shit, I need a job because I now spent all this money after eight years, I couldn't find one. So it was, it's been, yeah, it's been a really humbling experience.

Jess Timmerman

That black and white thinking that you're talking about is so limiting to us. All or none, you Used the words correctly. You, it's either you are killing it spirituality wise, or you need to knock off all that stuff and go work it, I'm not giving it the right words, but that black or white, there are a million shades in between and. You are so passionate and so called to this work that you will make it happen. You will do the hours that pay the bill. it's just, yeah, I just.

Colleen Broersma

And it's also the cornerstone of everything that I know that I'm moving into. I know we haven't really discussed it a whole lot, but what I do with my clients and yeah. Tell

Jess Timmerman

us and what are you moving into? Where are you?

Colleen Broersma

I'm in the, I'm in the goo right now, right in the go in the

Jess Timmerman

Uck.

Colleen Broersma

I'm in the goo So this could change next week, But. I'm in the muck, but I help women create safety in their body, through somatic practices, through the yoga. And I don't even really call it yoga'cause I call it yoga for the soul. Like it's not your vinyasa yoga. We are hugging ourselves, breathing, coming into the body and feeling safe to be in the body. Really grounding and through frequency medicine. I recently, I keep wanting to say ordained. That is not the word certified. I don't know. I just ordained myself, y'all. I'm a certified medical intuitive and what I have learned, this is my favorite training thus far, and I have certifications out the wazoo, And really they're just pieces of paper. But this one has, really been powerful because what I've learned is all that trauma. That we have carried, and I believe we carry it from lifetime to lifetime, from the womb and everything. It lives in ourselves. It lives in our organs, it lives in our fascia. Our fascia is the imprint of all this trauma, and I now have a skillset where I can help to clear that. So I'm doing that work all myself, which is really just exploded. Everything, like everything has been rapidly advanced in my own healing process because of the work I'm doing on myself from my mentor and teacher. Okay. it's really clearing this trauma from the cells, from the atoms, the memories. And you know there's a saying that when you take the trash out, you don't go through the trash. That's what this does.

Jess Timmerman

Okay.

Colleen Broersma

It goes into the the unconscious, the subconscious. You don't have to relive the trauma to heal it. Now. Yes, a lot of times it will bring up memories. But I always tell people that's because it's coming up to be processed and to be like, oh, I have a boyfriend that you might remember from when we were, working at Mothers. I'm not gonna say his name on this, but he's still coming up 17 years later.

Jess Timmerman

Oh, and I know who you're talking about,

Colleen Broersma

and I'm still doing the healing around it. And it's really been a beautiful process because now I just think fondly of it instead of having all the like.

Jess Timmerman

Stuff attached to it.

Colleen Broersma

Yeah. But that's why I love this medical intuitive because it's frequencies, it's energy healing combined with the somatic grounding of yoga. So that's what I'm doing right now is really helping women expand their capacity to receive more and feel safe to do it.

Jess Timmerman

I'm glad you explained that the way you did. I think we're living in a time where people are more open to traditional healing methods or vice versa. But there are still some people stuck in the fact that they imagine therapy is like laying on a couch and saying every bad thing that ever came to. Sure there is cognitive behavioral therapy and that is a thing, but there are a million other healing modalities. It's about being brave enough to find people you trust or their story resonates with you and be like, because you do have to, do you agree with this? Spiritually soulfully, you can't let yourself be an open book to anybody, so you have to trust the practitioner. Correct.

Colleen Broersma

Yes. I, when I first started my journey, I was an open book. I was a sponge and I got Yeah, definitely. There's discernment becomes part of your spiritual journey, You learn right about who you led into your field. Absolutely. And there does need to be a rapport. There does need to be a connection between the person who's facilitating the healing and the person who's receiving it. Or it's just not a very strong connection in my opinion. I absolutely agree with that.

Jess Timmerman

us, grieving coming out of a trauma, pick your card. sometimes we're trying to do the best for ourselves and there is very small, we are vulnerable and we are a demographic preyed on. it doesn't take long. We could get on our phone and scroll. Everybody will take all our money for things that they think, and then at the end of the day, you don't, I had a chiropractor that told, and shortly after my brother died and something wonky was going on with my hip, and they convinced me I needed to go there four times a week and do these, that wasn't true. that's just an example of sometimes. you can tell when you talk to you, when you see you, that you do it out of service, out of love, and yeah, it's very beautiful. it's a gift.

Colleen Broersma

I'm so passionate about what I do, despite the identity, going through this, in the goo and going through this rebirth and death and dark night of the soul, or whatever you wanna call it. There's one thing that I really am anchored into, and that's, those are my gifts. Like my gifts are my gifts, and I feel very confident about them. Very, I just don't know how I'm supposed to show up with them. that's what I'm waiting for. Spirit to rearrange for me. Yeah. Because what I'm doing now isn't really working or I have a successful, thriving client practice. I know that I'm intended, and I don't mean I say this with humility, I just know that I'm intended for something different outside of what I've envisioned. Yeah, something bigger, if you will.

Jess Timmerman

And you're open to it. You're open to see where spirit guides you.

Colleen Broersma

What I thought I was before, but I wasn't,'cause I was must make this work because all my successful mentor and teachers that I. Have, probably on pedestals and I shouldn't, I, I want what they have, but

Jess Timmerman

Right.

Colleen Broersma

I think I am intending

Jess Timmerman

That's not what's destined for you. That's not your past.

Colleen Broersma

It's something different. I know that I'm supposed to serve, so that's why I said two weeks from, or whatever you, publish this, release this. You be like, oh no. Now she's worth the circus. No, I'm kidding.

Jess Timmerman

Which, which act would you do? Trap.

Colleen Broersma

Yeah. That's the first thing that popped into my head, even though I'd probably throw up because I get motion sticks. But yeah,

Jess Timmerman

it's so funny. I said, circus, they don't exist anymore. And something came up today and I was not my circus, not my, and I was like, what is that saying? Not my

Colleen Broersma

monkeys, not my monkey,

Jess Timmerman

and I'm like, what? So circus. Yeah. But okay.

Colleen Broersma

I'm really excited for it. So whatever's happening is happening.

Jess Timmerman

Okay. So if people hear our interview and what you're saying sounds intriguing or could benefit from them, how would they find you? Or if they're not in your area, how would they tell? Tell us how to get into all your muck.

Colleen Broersma

I am big on social media. I love. F talking about my story. I love sharing. I've been a little quiet lately with everything I've been going through.'cause I I wanna go through it more before I really, this is the first time I've opened up about the financial stuff, so thank you for making me feel safe enough to do that.

Jess Timmerman

Oh my gosh, no. Anytime.

Colleen Broersma

But, Instagram is a really good starting base if you wanna, just to get a feel for me. And see if I do resonate with you, it's under Illuminate with Colleen and I am imagining you'll put the details, I can

Jess Timmerman

put it in the show links. Yep.

Colleen Broersma

Yeah. And then my website is illuminate with colleen.com. Okay. You're welcome to check that out. And I can also give you my email. Would you like me to say it out loud now or do you want me to,

Jess Timmerman

either, yeah, say it and I'll type it. Yep. Okay.

Colleen Broersma

So it'd be info@illuminatewithcolleen.com, like illumination. I don't know if you've ever heard of the gene keys. I'm big into the gene keys. I'm big into the human design and all the things right. But one of my gene keys, significant gene keys, blueprint was illumination. Okay. So illuminating, like the wisdom of the soul, illuminating your pathway forward. I come up with a different thing every time, but those are the easiest ways to get hold of me. I prefer to do that before we exchange phone numbers and stuff like that.

Jess Timmerman

I get it. Okay. Man, anything we didn't, cover that you wanna share?

Colleen Broersma

I'd like to just impart this, you said something that really stuck with me, that there's so many different healing modalities out there and, if. Something, I sparked something in you and you wanted to talk, I would love to hear from you, but I believe that there are so many other beautiful teachers out there, so I like I'm doing talk therapy and all the different things. I think that it's beautiful. If you want to combine different modalities, I recommend it and I can also support you in recommending you to somebody else. The majority of my friends. Our practitioners of some sort are healers of some sort. If you resonate with that word better and I'm happy to refer you to somebody else. So reach out. I would love to connect and just get to know you.

Jess Timmerman

I just noticed right now a similarity with us, and this is probably why neither one of us had that quote unquote successful, next step business career.'cause you just did it right there. You put others. In front of yourself, because if you were a sales woman, you'd be like, there's other people out there, but you have to come, you have people's best interests. So maybe the financial insecurity right now is, Part of your beauty, you're still putting the collective over self.

Colleen Broersma

There's so much to un wrap there. We'll have to do another one on that

Jess Timmerman

one. Okay. We will.

Colleen Broersma

agree. I'll, I do agree. I think this is gonna be my big story. I'm writing started outlining my book for it. This is what I was supposed to write a book on. I had a medium tell me I was gonna write a book a few years ago.

Jess Timmerman

I can see it. There's, so where do you start? Which chapters are we doing?

Colleen Broersma

it's about the money. It's about like scarcity mindset, lack based consciousness, not believing in yourself, not feeling worthy. So all

Jess Timmerman

those, and there is some sort of, they, what is it? Brain gut connection. There is something with, finances and Safety.

Colleen Broersma

Yeah, it's on the lower chakras. It's in the root chakra. That's your stability, safety, security, family.

Jess Timmerman

Okay.

Colleen Broersma

All one big pile of goo. Again, I could talk for hours about this stuff.

Jess Timmerman

Okay, so we'll have to do this again, so, oh, thank you, Colleen, for doing this.

Colleen Broersma

Thank you. Thank you

Jess Timmerman

so much

Colleen Broersma

for having me. I love catching up with you.

Jess Timmerman

You, me too. I hope I to get your way sometime and see you in your element now.

Colleen Broersma

I would love that. That would be great.

Jess

It means the world to me that you clicked Sparking the Torch Pod. If you like what you heard, please leave me a five star review. If you've got a story you'd like to have highlighted, shoot me an email. Thanks again.