Episode 8 - Laura - Apraxia and Bipolar Disorder

According to the DBSA (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance) 21.4 million US adults will exhibit a mood disorder at some point in their life.

In this week's episode we talk to Laura. A married, mother of two in Denver that thought her ceiling was a college degree, but the universe had MUCH more in mind. Laura is a distinguished worldwide Apraxia expert, including helping Olympian Rhonda Rousey get her diagnosis verbiage, and being a champion for mental health for her family and clients. Laura's intelligence is only overshadowed by her love of family. This week's episode discusses, apraxia and bipolar 1 disorder.

Apraxia resources: Home - Apraxia Foundation Home - Apraxia Kids 

Support to caregivers: National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) For Friends And Family - Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance Teen Counseling - Get Started & Sign-Up Today Al-Anon Family Groups

Laura's book: 

Overcoming Apraxia: Baskall Smith, Laura: 9780578575377: Amazon.com: Books

Laura's podcast:

BipolarLines - Podcast - Apple Podcasts

Transcript

Jess 0:00

Welcome to Sparking the Torch Podcast. My name is Jess and I'll be your guide weekly to highlight guest tales of lived experiences that offer illuminating ideas and insights. Three years ago, my brother slash best friend died while on active duty in the US Army. The worst possible outcome happened, and I thought I'd never get by. When my world was dark others poured their light into me. Now it's my turn to return the favor. Storytelling inspires hope. Join us each week fellow torch sparklers, and prepare for transformation.

Jess Timmerman 0:30

Good afternoon and welcome to Sparking the Torch. I'm bringing you a story of encouraging empowerment that hopefully sparks your torch to light up the world. This week I have the pleasure of introducing Laura Smith from Colorado. Welcome to the pod, Laura.

Laura Smith 0:43

Hi. It's nice to be here. Thank you for having me.

Jess Timmerman 0:46

Nice to see you. I think you would agree with me that interviews can sometimes be stuffy. you're a busy mom and a professional, and we have so many hats we carry that time is our limiting factor, I'm trying to create this pod where you and me are stuck at an airport and we're not getting out, so we might as well know each other. when I was creating this and I kept thinking of people in my life that are inspirational, you were top of my list. with that. It's not a compliment, it's the truth. But with that, could you tell our listeners about yourself and why people might find you inspirational?

Laura Smith 1:22

Well, I don't know why people would find me inspirational, but, I can't tell you about myself, My name's Laura Smith. I am a speech language pathologist out here in Colorado and I specialize in a rare speech disorder called Apraxia, which is a diagnosis my daughter got. And after that, it changed my whole, I was an SLP before she got this diagnosis, but that changed my. Whole professional career. after a period of I would say honestly mourning because I was very devastated over this. I just wanted to, believe in turning pain into a purpose. Like there's ha gotta be a reason. I'll always ask why did this happen? And not in a victim way, but in a, why did this happen? And maybe it was for a betterment of. Something bigger way. So that's just how I view my life. I started blogging, just about my experience. And what was interesting is I was hoping to help other people by blogging my experiences because I felt I was the only SLP on the planet that had a kid who couldn't talk. but it turns out I was wrong. And so I attracted an audience. not only of parents, but definitely of SLPs to children with apraxia. And, it just kind of solidified my thought even more that when we share our stories like this, you actually think you're helping other people, but you actually get help back in return. So anyway, that's what I do out here now. I have my private practice and that's how I know you. I saw all three of your kids at one point, some more than others. so just thanks for having me.

Jess Timmerman 2:45

All of this is mutually beneficial, right? And we always can learn more about ourselves. you brought up that you were an SLP before. I think this is interesting. This is how I know you, in Colorado, when you age out of early childhood services, then you kind of get thrown into a preschool, which, school SLPs have limitations. You know, some of them are wise to apraxia. but they are bound. They can't say that out loud. Right. they're more casual. your kid needs some help this summer. So that is how, Deb Comfort came into my life and the very first day she worked with my oldest private, she was she doesn't know where her tongue is in her mouth. You need to go see Laura for an evaluation. so we shared Deb in common and. Can you, I just think it's a funny story because Deb, I appreciated her candor in my part of the journey.'cause she says stuff, but with the biggest heart, she's a blunt Mary Poppins is how I feel her.

Laura Smith 3:40

Yeah, definitely. Oh, I

Jess Timmerman 3:41

love that. because I don't believe in coincidences. I don't think you would. But, How did you become an SLP before your oldest?

Laura Smith 3:48

Yeah, so I used to say I don't believe in coincidences, but now I say I believe in synchronicities.

Jess Timmerman 3:53

Okay.

Laura Smith 3:54

so it's kind of like the flip of that. I certainly still don't believe in coincidences, but I just like that word synchronicity.'cause things have happened in my life that have been so seemingly synchronistic that I knew it was meant to be. so yeah. Yeah, I mean, a lot of people don't know this about me. and you would not think this about me if. you see that I'm like specializing in this rare speech disorder, but I was never going to be an SLP. I had a degree in speech communications and I was working at a Dodge dealership at the time and I just felt fully like I was going to transition to becoming a customer relations manager. That's where I was going. And then my emphasis though, in school was, communication disorders just'cause it was interesting to me. and then at the end of my bachelor year. They were trying to see if SLPA speech language pathology assistance would be viable. And so the three colleges in the area wrote a grant that was approved and so they paid students to take this SLPA training. And they asked if we wanted to do that, not just me. And I was I'm gonna get paid now to take coursework. I mean, that's opposite, right? Um, so I was like, yeah, of course I'm gonna do it. Not because I was interested in being a speech language pathology assistant, simply because I was going to get paid three grand at the end of this class. So, um, took this class and, um. I was on the list, still wasn't gonna do it. A recession hit during the time that I graduated with my ba and so, they offered me a 25 cent raise rather than a 35,000 raise, which is what I thought I would get as a bachelor degree. So I was oh my gosh, what am I gonna do? so while I'm trying to figure that out, Denver Public Schools calls me. And, they were like, Hey, we got three SLPA positions approved. We saw that you're on a list of individuals who completed the training, would you be interested in interviewing? And I was I mean, how much does it pay? And they said it was 25,000, but I would have summers and, all that stuff off. I mean, that's basically what I was working at$13 an hour, right? So well, I'll go interview. And they hired me if I wanted the job, so I took the job. And, Deb Comfort Yeah. I had three supervisors, but she was one of three. And that's how I met her. And then, you should have her on, actually,

Jess Timmerman 6:04

I should, I wonder what she think. I need to work on my elevator pitch'cause I'll have to be more succinct to have her confirm. Go ahead.

Laura Smith 6:11

Yeah,'cause I, I remember she was not a blunt Mary Poppins. When I met her. She was very annoyed that she had all this work to do and I was sitting in the front office waiting for her to come in. And then she was oh wait, are you the new SLP? And I was yes. And she was Let's go. And oh my gosh. what did I get myself into? but then after that whole year, she was you have to go to grad school. Why aren't you going to grad school? And I just remember thinking,'cause I grew up blue collar. I was the first person in my family to. Even get my bachelor degree. No one else had got it to that point. and I'm looking at a woman who has like a moniker, Deborah Hensley Comfort, and I remember she'd talk about going to Vanderbilt and her father was a physician. I just remember thinking in my head, I never said it to her, but just singing in my head, lady, you do not understand my life. we are on two different spectrums of the world here.

Jess Timmerman 6:59

Right.

Laura Smith 7:00

it's really nice that she believes in me, but you know, I was never gonna go to grad school. I couldn't afford it. I'd have to work That was reality. so one day at the end of that first school year, I came in and she had a letter of recommendation, GRE dates and an application to a distant learning program. And she was at least I can say I led a horse to water. and I just remember sitting there kind of stunned just thinking why does this woman believe in me this much? how many more ways can I tell her I cannot do this? And she was but that's why I got the distant learning program.'cause you will be able to work and you can be on a temporary teaching license working here. For the district while you're doing your coursework. And so I thought about it. I went home and thought about it. So this is one of those synchronistic moments where I think that people don't realize that they face because, I could have easily dismissed it and just been. Stubborn and just I already told this woman, this isn't happening. I'm never gonna be a speech therapist. She just needs to get over it. Or I looked at it, it wasn't a painful experience like I was just talking about with apraxia, but I definitely look at it and be like, why? Why is this happening to me? Why did the car business tank? Why did I get this job? Why did I take that training? Why do I find myself here with someone? Who's from Vanderbilt believing I should go to grad school. so I decided I am going, normally an SLP grad student applies for eight to 10 colleges with the hope of getting accepted to one'cause the programs are so competitive. and so you know what? I'm gonna apply to this one program and that's it. And if it's meant to be, then it's meant to be, I'm not gonna apply to other programs, it's just gonna be this one. So I went in and told her that and she was like, deal. Cool. and clearly I must have gotten in because here I am and now it's my professional career. that is how I met Ms. Deb.

Jess Timmerman 8:42

It's funny you brought it up. Quite often I meet people that are SLPs or OTs that then have Neurodiverse kids. Right. That's weird.

Laura Smith 8:51

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Jess Timmerman 8:52

It's like you guys got the training before you needed it.

Laura Smith 8:56

Yeah.

Jess Timmerman 8:56

okay. Where do I wanna go from here? do you wanna talk about any of the Cody stuff in your podcast or?

Laura Smith 9:02

Sure.

Jess Timmerman 9:02

Okay. Let me think. Okay. It's funny, I have all these notes and then I'm just like, what should we talk about? You at the beginning said you don't think you're very inspiring, but I think what's very cool knowing you because I first knew you professionally and then clearly we had a personal relationship, but I remember. one of the girls, you asked me something how home is going and I am a very guarded person. I was it's good we're, you know, and you're we are never going to get anywhere on this journey if you do not give me feedback them at school do not know her name or, So, I think what's incredible of knowing you as a friend is. again, we don't see each other. I don't know what's going on in your brain, but to me, you've achieved the balance. You have the harmony kind of, body, mind, and soul, because. Apraxia is not your whole life, You have two teens now and a husband and to me you are seeing patients, you are interviewing people. You recently started your own podcast, correct?

Laura Smith 9:59

yeah. Two years ago. Actually not so recent.

Jess Timmerman 10:01

okay.

Laura Smith 10:02

But two years ago I did, yes.

Jess Timmerman 10:04

do you wanna share what you're doing on that?

Laura Smith 10:06

yes, I do. Sorry, my son had texted me and I just wanted to make sure he was okay.

Jess Timmerman 10:10

It's not I'm throwing up in the bathroom. Please come get me from school.

Laura Smith 10:13

Yeah, exactly. he's good. Ashlyn is a teenager, as you mentioned, which is my daughter with apraxia and, she still, has a genetic mutation that caused, a lifelong disability. it was the cause of her apraxia. But, anyways, that journey isn't over. But the apraxia one for me, I mean, in terms of our personal journey with it is I feel I've done what I wanted to do with that. when she was first diagnosed, I had two. Well, it took a little bit to get there, but I had two main goals. One was I wanted there to be a spokesperson for apraxia that gave people hope, which at that point, there was none. Correct. and then two, I, I wanted apraxia awareness worldwide. So that all children, anywhere in the world would have access to, the appropriate treatment. the way I could help in that regard at the time was to start social media where I just spread awareness on that. So those are my two main goals and it's been quite the journey. But, there was this viral moment, it's almost been 10 years ago, I think now, if not more, where? UFC. Crazy. Crazy UFC fighter Rhonda Rousey. I met her in this chance encounter and. she spread apraxia awareness and said that's what she had when she was little. So I was yay, this is my ticket to a spokesperson. And even though it went viral, she. Did not take that role. and so then I thought, well, you know, I wonder if I can help someone from the ground up, and make them famous. And so,'cause I already have this platform with a decent amount of followers, I could easily promote someone. and yeah. This guy named Jordan entered my life and I saw a YouTube video of him on a proxy awareness day. And I was do you have a Facebook page to share this to? And he was no, do you think I should? And I was yeah, because people aren't really gonna be seeing it as much on YouTube. And he just took my advice right away. And from there, we've been friends since. I would say he is pretty praxia famous if you're in our world. so mission complete. He is got this, I think he'll be more famous than he is. He's very. Charismatic if you actually know him. And his life is actually kind of crazy. He's perfect to be famous and on a reality TV show.

Jess Timmerman 12:14

cause a person needs to be human, right? Our role models if they're boring and have this perfect life,

Laura Smith 12:20

yeah, totally

Jess Timmerman 12:22

right.

Laura Smith 12:22

all those goals have been met and what's crazy is it, accelerated in 2020'cause we all were finding different ways of doing things.'cause we were all at home. And so I started having people on these zoo. I did these zoom young adult apraxia panels, and then I met even more people. And then through that people realized, wait, I could get consultations with her. I can't treat anyone, outta my state, but I can consult. I consult with people literally all around the world now. you know, Turkey, Canada, Australia, Ireland, Dubai. I talked to all these people from a consultation role. I can even consult with the SLP that's treating the children in all of those different countries. wow. Those two goals that I had were really met. a lot of people think I should go further. They pushed me to do further. You should write another book and that's not where my heart is leading me anymore. So, during that whole time, from 2016 to current, my husband, who I've been married to for 20 years now, I knew he was bipolar after we got married, but then he had 10 years of complete stability. that's when we had our kids. He went to college, he got his bachelor degree. We started our careers. We had our house. and then in 2016, he started getting a series of episodes again that were every 10 months to every month, year and a half, 10 months, year. And. And, it was such a tailspin, if you're familiar with this mental health condition, it's very chaotic. It torches your whole life. I was working in the school district at the time, and I couldn't pick up my kids because my husband wasn't there, or my husband wasn't picking them up. And I was having to miss work all the time. And you can't do that in the schools because you have these IEP meetings and it takes an act of God to get all these people in the same room, right. And to reschedule is a nightmare for everybody. And At the same time I was doing all of this professional development in apraxia and it made it possible for me to start a private practice. that is not on my Bingo card. I definitely never thought I would be a small business owner and own my own business, have my own private practice. But, it launched me into doing that because I felt like I had no choice. I had to stop. I needed a more flexible sp schedule. And private practice gives you that. yeah, really it was kind of the same thing. I realized that one of the hardest times of my life, which was this very chaotic time where he kept getting manic, and losing his jobs too, honestly. I was what am I supposed to be learning from this? so anyways, from that really painful, hard experience, I have a private practice that's all my own now that's completely flexible, which is amazing. then I also decided, since I met those two goals with apraxia, my heart really was being led to, I feel so bad for people who haven't done the research or have the education to understand what bipolar disorder is. And So many people with bipolar disorder, could have relationships with people, but if you don't understand it, they just look like an a-hole and you're like, this is chaotic amount. and so I started a TikTok in 2020 as well, and I chose that platform because I have platforms on. Professionally on all of the other ones. And I wasn't sure if I necessarily wanted people to know about my life. that seemed rather crazy with, you know, cops and all this other thing. I didn't want that to make me look unprofessional. I chose a completely different platform so most people wouldn't be able to find me. Okay. And, yeah, it blew up. It's bigger now than any of my platforms for apraxia, for bipolar. And then through that I met another spouse to someone who has bipolar one disorder. we kind of cross promoted each other, talked for a while. And then, she started the podcast. I gave her the idea'cause I wanted to start one too, and I was we should start a podcast. So she started it and then she was Hey. I think you should be on this with me. I think we should be co-hosts. And I'm yeah, I think we should. now I do this podcast for, families and loved ones, to someone who specifically Bipolar one disorder.

Jess Timmerman 16:00

Incredible. Wow. I love how you tell a story I imagine you were hitting your head against a wall trying to be a school SLP and dealing with the family stuff. Correct.

Laura Smith 16:12

Yeah. you have teams when you work in a school in special education and there were people on the team that just didn't understand, they just didn't get it. they were just mad at me, why are you missing? I have to reschedule this now. And so it was really hard and I was just I am not a flake. I actually am not. But he would go to the hospital and then What am I supposed to do? I mean, my husband is in the hospital

Jess Timmerman 16:33

Right.

Laura Smith 16:33

And with any other disability, with any other reason to be in the hospital, people are relatively sympathetic when it's your brain. They are not, a lot of people aren't, and

Jess Timmerman 16:42

that's awful.

Laura Smith 16:43

yeah.

Jess Timmerman 16:43

What do you think are the biggest misconceptions or things you wish people knew about bipolar dis?

Laura Smith 16:48

Your brain gets hijacked during manic episodes. your prefrontal cortex is almost offline, okay? you're running off of your amygdala and you are essentially your reptilian brain. And when you run off your reptilian brain, you are impulsive, you are risky. You are not a nice person sometimes because of your impulsivity, you don't think through, you have no filter. You are literally running on a reptilian brain when you're manic. And so, yeah, it's, it's not cute. It's not cute at all. And they say things that they don't actually mean, they say really nasty things. it's hard, I'm not gonna lie. It's very hard. but, but here's the thing. I was just explaining this to someone yesterday who was saying that. They know this person in their life who is manic right now. And he told his son F off or something. Gotcha. of course his son blocked him in his no contact now. but that's because he is manic. And I was explaining to her, I was when they're manic, they do say and do things they wouldn't normally do, but when there will always be a point in bipolar where they will come down, it's not

Jess Timmerman 17:46

They don't stay.

Laura Smith 17:48

Yeah, they're not gonna stay manic. There will be a point where they crash and when they crash, their prefrontal cortex will come back online. And frequently, sometimes not, but frequently they will remember what they say and that's what and said and what they did. And that's what makes their depression lower than clinical depression. That's why they crash so low. And anyway, it's because they remember and then they're filled with all that regret. And even if you go on an apology tour. People decide if you're toxic or not, they forgive you or not. And maybe they forgive you, but they're just like, you're toxic, dude. Stay outta my life.

Jess Timmerman 18:18

Right?

Laura Smith 18:18

without realizing it's the disorder. So, I was explaining to her yesterday if it was dementia. There was one time my grandma, who never spoke a bad word to me, ever. Best grandma ever. Right? Love your grandma. I visited her in the nursing home once and she was really agitated. And I was no, it's fine. I was walking in they're maybe don't go in there right now. I'm no, it's me. Like my grandma always. She loves me. She didn't know. Yeah. Even when she didn't know who I was, her soul recognized me. I always could tell. And so I was no, no, it's fine. I can calm her down. I'm that person. No, I can not calm her down. I walked in and she was screaming, saying nasty things to me. I just couldn't believe it. even though I knew it was the dementia. Still was so caught off guard that this person was yelling at me like this, that I remember going to her suitemate, which was this other really nice old lady and just bawling and crying and her being oh sweetie, she doesn't mean it. You know? once she realizes who you are, she'll be so, and she was, once she realized and she was sorry, but we can accept that in dementia because I think we know it's a progressive, okay, with bipolar, it's cyclical. So it's really, dude, you just decided to act like an asshole, a-hole for four months and now you're fine and wanna be sorry. No, I think that's the thing that people can't wrap their head around. Okay.

Jess Timmerman 19:29

Which is interesting. I just think we should have more empathy and I'm not comparing a mental illness dis, is it wrong to say illness?

Laura Smith 19:38

Nope.

Jess Timmerman 19:39

Okay. I'm not comparing it to an addiction, but think of how many people support their loved ones that are alcoholics that come home. Yes. And go on a bender and give them grace in the morning.

Laura Smith 19:50

That is very true. You could, it's very similar to addiction and so that's what we really try to teach on the podcast is separating your person from the illness exactly like you would do to separate your person from the addiction, which is an illness. Okay. Because that person is not their addiction, that is that it is their addiction trying to get something. That's the same with bipolar when they're manic, it is the illness that is trying to get something, not the person.

Jess Timmerman 20:15

Okay. You brought up a couple things that makes me want to Hug Cody, which he would never go for, but he is the best dad. So if people just met, he loves those kids and he loves you. Yeah. if people, first encounter with him was during a manic episode, that's not even a 10th of his story. Right.

Laura Smith 20:32

And sometimes it was, I mean, you were there. We did walks for apraxia for, I was a walk coordinator and you were on the team for five years. that was during the time that he was cycling in and out of mania and there were times I just was like, please don't talk to anyone at this walk. Just please just stay in the corner and don't talk to anybody. because yeah, it would've come out as anger rudeness. and that is not how I wanna be portrayed.

Jess Timmerman 20:52

Yeah.

Laura Smith 20:53

Yeah. it's not his fault, but I think too that he masks a lot. Okay.'cause you can mask similar to with autism or with anything really. his mask is not his true self. So the only person I feel in this world, besides me, and my kids and possibly his dad that actually know the real him is my niece Kayla. She somehow worked her way in the inner circle. Okay. but she sees the true him too. he is actually a great dad

Jess Timmerman 21:18

and an avid snowboarder and very handy. Okay. You brought up two things. I can relate to your grandma's story. her knowing you on a soul level, my papa dearly loved, he had Alzheimer's. One time I was talking to him on the phone and he was I don't know who you are, but I know I love you. And I was, you know,

Laura Smith 21:33

oh.

Jess Timmerman 21:34

So I love those soul things.

Laura Smith 21:36

Yeah.

Jess Timmerman 21:37

And the other, I think sometimes when we have words they get, I know there's a term for it. I know it'cause of Ted Lasso, not because of a textbook like Semantic, satiation, something like that where a word gets used so much it loses its meaning. some of the harmful things with bipolar disorders seem to be stigma. Do you agree?

Laura Smith 21:55

Yeah. Although, I mean it's definitely stigma, but the stigma comes from so many things and and one is just this misunderstanding of what it is. I mean you have this outstanding citizen for 10 years that got a bachelor degree that built a family, great dad, two kids, and then. Out of character after 10 years just starts going off the cuff.

Jess Timmerman 22:18

Right.

22:18

You

Laura Smith 22:18

know, even my family struggle, they're this is what you must have been dealing with. or they thought that there was some sort of hidden abuse in those 10 years and now it just bubbled to the surface and now they really knew what was going on with us. And I'm no. Like that is not who, it's

Jess Timmerman 22:31

right. That is not right. You have not dialed into

Laura Smith 22:34

Yeah, they get it now'cause we're nine episodes later. and he's been stable for three years, thank God, knock on wood. I think they get it now, but it took multiple episodes. They even said once, that he was doing it on purpose so he could get a vacation.

Jess Timmerman 22:48

Oh

Laura Smith 22:48

my A vacation in a mental hospital. People you don't want it. If that's your ouch to get a break from life, you don't wanna go there.

Jess Timmerman 22:56

I remember once in your journey and I mean if we get to the point where we're joking about things you've processed, because before the jokes become the tears and the fear and where my. Husband. Husband, but you had said, you know, you're on a, the mental floor of the hospital when at least one person thinks they're Jesus, right?

Laura Smith 23:14

Yep. That is true.

Jess Timmerman 23:15

Do you have an opinion? Do you think it's helpful, harmful, irrelevant. I'll give you an example. I was at one of my kids' class Valentine's party and, they were eating so much sugar and one of them was I'm gonna be diabetic. recently one of my best friend's Maggie, her husband actually died from complication at 40 of diabetes. Right. so she heard that joke. That would be offensive, but most of the time that's just sixth graders being dumb. Yeah, sure. Do you think the media, do you think people shouldn't use that as a punchline?

Laura Smith 23:45

which one? The diabetic

Jess Timmerman 23:46

one. bipolar.

Laura Smith 23:47

Oh yeah. I think that, when you use it so flippantly oh, I'm so bipolar today, or The weather is bipolar, you'll hear people say that, even though bipolar is ups and downs, they're extreme mood states that put your life at risk. So mania puts your life at risk because you're in your reptilian brain and you don't think through the consequences of your actions. So you're just. Flying blind. So you might be rolling at 120 miles an hour down a road because that's just what you feel like doing right then, right? So that, or you're walking down the middle of the interstate highway, all of things Cody has done. so you are inherently at risk for death with that. But then of course, we all are more familiar with the risk, when you're majorly depressed or in that mode. So yeah, to compare those two very extreme, dangerous, mindsets. To the weather, like for

Jess Timmerman 24:34

death mindset.

Laura Smith 24:36

Yeah. It is very detrimental for sure.

Jess Timmerman 24:38

Okay. are episodes predictable or do you have any warning.

Laura Smith 24:42

There is a, it's called a prodromal stage, so there is a warning for us, but that's because Cody's are so clear and delineated because he does stay on meds. If you're not on meds or your meds aren't right, you could experience rapid cycling. within a day or even a couple days, you could be high, high, high, low, low, low, high, high, low, low, low. Where Cody's is this lead up, lead up, lead up, and then for his, he gets, into psychosis. So eventually his mania will reach a stage where he's in psychosis, which means he's lost touch with reality. And it's usually in that state. he'll joke about it, he'll be Hey, I didn't catch a charge. You know this, this time. And again, like you laugh about it, it's dark humor, just reality.

Jess Timmerman 25:20

Laughing. But

Laura Smith 25:21

yeah. no. He laughed too. I mean, he says it to be funny, but unfortunately that is reality. So the money we've spent on lawyers is ridiculous. I know a great defense attorney if you need one that understands mental health in Colorado. but yeah. So,

Jess Timmerman 25:36

in your experience have, the way emergency services have been utilized, police, fire, do they seem to have adequate training or.

Laura Smith 25:44

No, they definitely don't have adequate training. But also a problem is the loss. I don't know when it switched I know it was when I was little, we had mental institutions in Colorado. One was called Fort Logan. I remember this specifically'cause it was close to my house and they closed it. And I remember my mom and my dad talking about it and them being very concerned, where are all these people gonna go? How could they just close this? Well, the reason was is'cause we were institutionalizing people that didn't need to be institutionalized. it has to do with human rights, things like that. but in the process, I think what happened is the pendulum swung so far to the right. That now when people seriously need to be on a hold to get help, we can't get them help. unless they demonstrate, unless Cody demonstrates he's a danger to himself or others. And it's not even demonstrate unless it comes out of his mouth that I'm going to specifically

Jess Timmerman 26:34

says I

Laura Smith 26:35

want

Jess Timmerman 26:35

in my life right now or

Laura Smith 26:36

Yes. Yep. They will not take you in. And so, how he ends up getting there is through catching a charge or on the very rare instances that he's let me drive him to it.

Jess Timmerman 26:48

Wow. Yeah. Okay. Ugh. What a mess.

Laura Smith 26:51

yeah, yeah. Which is why I

Jess Timmerman 26:52

but a beautiful mess. I mean,

Laura Smith 26:54

no. I, no, it is a mess. And that's why I want this podcast because so many people just don't understand and I feel bipolar is just so misunderstood. And had I not done. I'm a research type person, I just dive in

Jess Timmerman 27:06

and research gets an inaccurate name because everybody can pick up their phone and read an Apple News headline but you find the scientific article where it was cited, the credentials of the researcher, you extensive deep dive correct?

Laura Smith 27:19

Definitely. Okay. Yeah. In my 20-year-old brain, I wasn't quite there yet. but I did, I had bought four books on it. I went to a therapist. I found the websites like, one was called DBSA, depression, bipolar Alliance, support and found a support group, essentially I is the way it worked then. all of those things helped me. And then from there, that's when I really dove into research related to bipolar before I started this podcast.'cause I am not a professional mental health provider, but I definitely don't wanna be giving out. Wrong information, you know? learning so much about it and just it's, there's such a need. there's people in my dms every day, how do I do this? how do you do this? I'm at my Wix end, it's a whole thing.

Jess Timmerman 28:00

What's the best advice you could give to somebody that loves somebody with this disorder?

Laura Smith 28:05

Loving someone with bipolar disorder. Almost completely different than how you would love anyone with another illness, except as you brought up maybe substance abuse. It looks like boundaries, consequences. And that doesn't seem very loving when you're doing it, which is why people struggle to do it

Jess Timmerman 28:22

right.

Laura Smith 28:22

but it is the most loving thing you can do. And someone put it, they have bipolar themselves and they put it the best way. In a comment on my TikTok once, and they said. Boundaries with bipolar disorder is the loving thing to do because we need boundaries in a boundless situation. I was wow, that is so real. Because they can't recognize, there is a piece of them that always knows their life is falling apart, and then what happens is they don't believe it's them. you can get a condition called Ignia and it's. Frequently accompanies bipolar where they don't realize they're sick, even though it seems crazy. They wouldn't realize they're sick, they're not sleeping, they're doing all this crazy stuff, but, they don't realize they're sick. they're looking at their life kind of falling apart and they're well, it's not my fault, so it must be, and they look to the closest person next to them, it must be this person's fault. So all their anger, wrath, rage, gets. projected essentially onto the person that loves them the most. And that's very hard on an emotional level, but on a second level, it does seem very unloving to then put a boundary in place. Like, no, like, I'm gonna move out. I've had this boundary before, My brother and my dad moved me out and he came home to an empty apartment and I said, call me when he got there, and he called me and I was I cannot come back until you figure this out. And I had to be willing to accept he wouldn't figure it out. That was the scary part.'cause that's what a boundary is as opposed to an ultimatum. It's to protect yourself. so yeah, be

Jess Timmerman 29:48

brave of you. Wow.

Laura Smith 29:49

Yeah. So really that is such a different way of loving someone, loving them through boundaries and consequences. that's not what we normally do, but that's what has to be done.

Jess Timmerman 29:58

Does the support structure in the addiction community, the goal of Al-Anon is to provide those support be for addicts, They take that frustration out on the people they love the most, They are, I don't wanna say punching bag, but they are where that energy goes. Is there such a thing in your community in the bipolar

Laura Smith 30:17

thing? Yeah, I would say, well, there's also a lot of overlap with substance abuse disorder, with bipolar disorders, there's a big comorbidity there. yes, it would be very similar. And the principles of Al-Anon, that was what that DBSA support group gave me. They even told me, go to an Al-Anon group, it will help you. I never went to one physically, but the principles, one that always stuck with me was nothing changes if nothing changes. essentially, I'm a punching bag, that's of accurate word to use, and he's a mess. And he's just continuing to be manic and not getting better, and he doesn't think it's his fault and he thinks it's all my fault. And our life is just, he's torching our whole life in the process. Because your inclination as a person is to be you need to fix this. You need to do this. This is your fault. But if you think about it with Al-Anon, it's like, well, wait a minute. If I change something in the equation, even if it's not him, but if I change something in the equation, the sum has to be different. There has to be an end result because something was changed in the equation. that's just basic. that made sense to me, and I just was okay. this is really hard, but this is what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna change something in the equation and it's gonna look like these boundaries. I remember someone one time, he was running up our credit cards,'cause manic spending is something you do with this. And I was just he's buying all this stuff. what do I do? And I remember the ladies in the group who are older and wiser were like, go cut up the credit cards right now. And I was What I'm like, do you know how pissed he's gonna be at me? I'm that's gonna make everything way worse.

Jess Timmerman 31:38

Right. I'm pouring gasoline on a fire.

Laura Smith 31:40

Yeah. That's how I viewed it at the time. But no, in a sense, that was a financial boundary to protect not only him. That's what that person was saying. It's a boundless situation when they come out of mania. there's the craziest stories on my TikTok, I mean. This one guy spent$30,000 on crystals. He just started buying crystals. he doesn't want these crystals he's got around his house now. stories like that happen and yes, I think the fear is at the time, yes, it's putting gasoline on a fire. Of course he was mad in the moment, but when they come out of it, when they're not manic anymore, they appreciate that you did that so much and they are so apologetic and just remorseful and feel so much shame.

Jess Timmerman 32:18

Okay. Man. What a ride.

Laura Smith 32:21

Yeah. Which is why I needed to do this podcast. I have a book, you know, I've written a book on apraxia and I have a book started on this that's like 75% done. Kind of done in the same format I did with Apraxia, but I don't know what's stopping me from just finishing it's been 70.

Jess Timmerman 32:37

What's that about you?

Laura Smith 32:38

I don't know. Except I'm just kind of trusting myself and being like, well, you just aren't meant to finish it yet, for whatever reason. So,

Jess Timmerman 32:44

okay. The ending hasn't been written.

Laura Smith 32:46

Yeah, maybe because 2016 when his episodes kicked off again, and I completely threw that draft away. It was just a rambling mess. like a diary.

Jess Timmerman 32:55

It was more cathartic, right? You were

Laura Smith 32:57

yeah. So I threw that one out, just that's not gonna work. And then I do have this semblance of an organized one, and I do realize I had to come through all of those other episodes for even me to get to this 75% that I feel good about, It had to be the progression. You had to see it through. so yeah.

Jess Timmerman 33:14

Oh man, Yeah.'cause you're such a good supporter about the imposter syndrome, but you still, I guess we as just see finished products. We don't know that you've ripped up something.

Laura Smith 33:25

Oh yes. Oh yeah. That that baby got,

Jess Timmerman 33:27

we covered a lot

Laura Smith 33:29

yeah.

Jess Timmerman 33:29

I'm gonna leave this to you. Did we forget anything? If someone listens to this and you and Cody's story or apraxia what advice would, I don't know. How do you, is there anything we left out that would be important?

Laura Smith 33:41

Yeah, maybe just a final thoughts.

Jess Timmerman 33:43

Yes. Okay. Laura Smith, lady of many hats. What would be your final thoughts here?

Laura Smith 33:48

I think my final thoughts just on living this life is that human beings are way more resilient than we think they can be. learning from Ashlyn has been my biggest teacher, watching her struggle to do almost every single thing in her life, but do it, with a smile, has. Always inspired me to push through any insecurities I had.'cause I would tell myself, well, what's my excuse? And then Cody, certainly what he always says, the way he frames it,'cause he's very resilient as well, is no one can, choose the cards they're dealt. But you have a responsibility to play the hell out of the ones you were given. to me, what that looks like is turning your pain into a higher purpose. that's what I've done with apraxia or with bipolar. So if there is someone struggling out there right now and you're just thinking, why me? Why me? Why is this happening? There might be a greater purpose to that, that you're not considering because sometimes we get really stuck in victim mode'cause it's easy to get stuck there. but there might be a higher purpose on the why.

Jess Timmerman 34:45

Amazing. Incredible. Oh man. Thank you Laura, for doing this.

Laura Smith 34:50

Yeah, thanks for having me. It was fun to see you.

Jess 34:52

It means the world to me that you clicked Sparking the Torch Pod. If you like what you heard, please leave me a five star review. If you've got a story you'd like to have highlighted, shoot me an email. Thanks again.