Episode 13: Going Solo - Who I am/What I'm Hoping to Do/How we Got Here

This week we do something different I answer questions from friends that may help you better as an audience understand my perspective. We are all part of something incredible here and I can't thank you enough for tuning in.

This week's episode touches on these of parent loss, child abuse, and military suicide. If this feels heavy to you, please skip. 

Love, Jess

Transcript

Jess 0:00

Welcome to Sparking the Torch Podcast. My name is Jess and I'll be your guide weekly to highlight guest tales of lived experiences that offer illuminating ideas and insights. Three years ago, my brother slash best friend died while on active duty in the US Army. The worst possible outcome happened, and I thought I'd never get by. When my world was dark others poured their light into me. Now it's my turn to return the favor. Storytelling inspires hope. Join us each week fellow torch sparklers, and prepare for transformation.

Speaker 0:32

Welcome back to Sparking the Torch. I'm Jess, and this week for Episode Lucky 13, we're going to switch things up. A friend observed that we've spent 12 episodes together, and I've never introduced myself, nor have I invited you into my life. So that's what we're gonna do today. I find I've been trying to record this for two weeks and it is very difficult for me to talk about myself in this way. but I realize the challenge is necessary. How can others trust me if I can't sit in the hot seat myself? So that's what we're doing today to let you know who I am, what I'm trying to do here. Some people know me as Jessica, Jesse, jb, all of it works. I've just never been Jesse. I'm a person where it's easier to be a friend to others than myself. The main reason I'm doing this we are about eight days from the anniversary of my brother's passing. And while it is difficult for me to be in this role, I kind of black out talking in front of others, just reading a room and trying to find commonalities in our stories. So the reason I do this is because it's not just a Jess and Zach story. You know, it's a Jamie and Daniel story, or a Juanita Frank, or it's anyone. It's really a human experience. it's, funny that I can't do this. I just did this three weeks ago. The Library of Congress was doing a Veteran's History project, to preserve our stories for all time. So, I spoke there on a recording with a person in the room for 45 minutes, and again, maybe I black out and I don't know what I talked about. To make this a little easier, I had some friends, type up or text me questions. Ad-libbing 42 years of life is very difficult, but interview style might be better. Okay. Who are you and what do you do for a living? My name's Jess Jessica Timmerman. What do I do for a living? A neighbor just popped by and asked if I worked from home and I said, sure. I have a lot of jobs that don't pay me any money. I've that's a place I've been stuck since I became a mom. I say just a mom, right? And none of us are just anything. I spend my time wherever I'm polled. I, serve on a board that helps kids get speech grants for, communication devices or speech camps. That brings me joy. I have three kids. Hadley is in sixth grade. I tell everyone she's named for Earnest Hemingway. First wife. Really? I heard the name on Trueblood. Tenny is my middle child. She is finishing up fourth grade. she has the initials, TNT. her name was a street in Denver, but also I barely made it to the hospital before she was born. And, that personality has. Stuck the explosive TNT and then my son my youngest, the girls would say the favorite. The baby he is finishing up first grade. He is named for Cal Ripken. and another fun fact, people in Oklahoma. Are very passionate about their college football teams. And then when it gets to the major sports, they kind of follow who's big that came from theirs. you can buy a Mark Andrews jersey or Baker Mayfield in town right now, but Ripkin is constantly spelled wrong, even though he may have been one of the greatest baseball players of all time. And then my husband Jeff, we have been married. Since 2014, I like to joke and he doesn't listen to my podcast, so he won't know I said this. I like to joke that I trapped myself into marriage. We were engaged for 13 days when I found out I was pregnant with Hadley and I didn't really ever want to get married. So here I am. We met in high school. It's not one of those like love last forever stories, know? He was two grades older than me. we're essentially married because, he trusts no one. And I kept going back to the guy that was a jerk to me. One time when I was a freshman and he was a junior, he broke up with me before Valentine's Day because, flowers cost too much money. And then what's another one? the following homecoming, back at the times of landlines, he called my house to ask me to homecoming. all his buddies were over and I went to class the next day. I had a creative writing with his friend Greg, and said, you know, you agreed to go to Homecoming with Jeff, but he didn't mean to ask you. I was the wrong Jessica. we did not go to homecoming together. we fell back into each other's life at a football game in Arizona State in 2011. And then yeah, some things were going on in my life that I just, wanted out of Baltimore. And so I ran to Denver and didn't look back. So we currently live in Oklahoma. We moved here oddly, the night the Thunder game let out with, positive COVID test pulled into town around nine 30 at night, and when I went to the grocery store to just get stuff for the kids to eat for the week, the cashier was exhausted of just $300 order after $300 orders thinking the world was gonna end. So that is, I take care of all of them and all of their stuff I also do, I'm pretty passionate with, military and veteran mental health matters. I put on a Veteran's Day, 5K in my town. this will be, haven't filled out the application yet, but if the city approves, this will be the fourth year. I changed the non-profit it benefits every year. it's been a really cool way to, to get involved in a place that I'm not from. I think It's been awesome. It's been pressure full, but that's stuff I put on myself. But leveling up, we're going forward, not gonna let the race sink me. Okay, The next question is, do you have a core belief? And I must, or I wouldn't have wrote that question for myself. If I had to define a core belief, I am a spiritual, religious person. from what I knew my father was not, he was more of an agnostic, I would say, but he really was, a believer of a golden rule of anonymous good deeds, Finding out how much the balance is of overdue school lunches at your kids' school, just being the best version of yourself. So my core belief would be, JFK said it's really about the economy, but I like it in terms of how we treat each other. a rising tide raises all boats. I think that's my core belief. If you wanna be a force of good or help in the world, you need to think of your neighbors simon Sneck also says it, we can find self-help books everywhere because we're so focused on ourself in the world, but there's no helping others section in Barnes and Nobles. So I do believe in that. I do believe. And if we can all lift each other up, we'll all benefit. Okay. Have you ever had an earth shattering moment? This is another thing that I think, I didn't wear the uniform of the United States military, but it is something I can relate. To our military veterans, first responders. I've seen a fair share of tragedy and trauma in my life. If they say the average civilian sees one in their lifetime, maybe, I've encountered a little more than that and, so I would say, Before my brother passed, a year before, actually I had started therapy. I'm nosy, so I wanted to know how she billed it. you have to say what disorder somebody has for insurance general anxiety or an adjustment disorder. And that was in 2021. And so Okay. I am not gonna take that personal. Everyone on Earth is going through an adjustment disorder right now. but then as the years have went on, I think it's now billed as, inattentive a DD or, complex post-traumatic stress, which isn't in the DSM five yet, but It just presents a little different than classic PTSD because it's not one thing that happened. you see it often in, kids that grow up in unsafe neighborhoods or people that, have grown up with abuse or neglect. It's a series of traumatic events that all kind of interplay. if we're talking big ones, the f fives of life and. Earth shattering moments that have on this side given me, the gift of perspective. I would say there's a big four. The first one would be in June 19th, 1997. My dad. At the time was, vice President of Finance for Lockheed Martin, and that job required some international travel. the week before he was in Russia for some meetings. I don't remember what day of the week it was. It must have been a day of the week I played basketball. 'Cause a friend's mom dropped me off and I was surprised to see my dad's Toyota Camry in the driveway. And ran inside and he said, I'm tired of missing so much of everybody's thing. So I hopped in earlier flight home, so that was pretty cool. And then that night my brother Zach and I had our besties over. We were all sleeping in the living room and around two in the morning, you just hear this giant thud. And then my mom yelling for me to grab my inhaler. And I remember my brother running upstairs crying. the ambulance came, my parents left. US kids just went back to bed 'cause it was only a few hours till daylight. And, he had a bad asthma attack the summer prior when we were in the outer banks for vacation. But after a shot at Epinephrine, he came too. So we weren't worried. That morning, my brother's best friend Tim, his mom Lee Temby, walks through the garage and, she just shakes her head and she can't find the words and she's he didn't make it. Ugh. that was a big one. my memories of childhood are a little scattered because, there were some difficult points. We moved around a lot. My dad in the nineties was a time of riding the ladder, the corporate ladder, while you can, not really a work life balance thing. So my parents both graduated from the University of Colorado in Boulder. My dad took a job in Seattle. He had family that worked for Boeing and that was an inn for him, and he went where they sent him. Boeing sent us to Parker, Colorado the Denver Tech Center when he started to work for Martin Marietta. And then Martin Marietta moved him towards Baltimore. So we lived in Westminster and then Hartford County. And then at the time of his passing, he actually had just took in a really big promotion and we were building a house in, Leesburg, Virginia. prior to my dad's passing, I had that Claire's sparkly notebook and all my classmates had wrote their address in it and we were gonna be pen pals. So then when the school year started and I was back, you have to relive all of that. I can remember my dad had two services, one in Maryland where we lived at a viewing, and I just remember them not having enough seats. he coached our softball, baseball, basketball teams until we got really competitive. So all those kids were there. Remember? Silly teen girl stuff, right? a boy I always had a crush on that gave me a hug in the receiving line. I remember the Colorado service, my cousins and I swimming at the pool at the Motel six, or riding the three wheeler at my grandparents' farm. I do remember I've flown quite a lot in my life especially with. Us being in Maryland, my parents thought it was important. We got back at least once a year to Colorado to see our family. So Zach and I would fly. Back and forth in the summer by ourselves. On the way home after my dad's funeral, I vomited the whole time gross doggy bags, Sprite. I think it was depending on your belief system, I don't know if it was God. My body, spirit guides nature. something was telling me, buckle up. This is gonna be so much worse than you would ever imagined. And that was true. My mom. my mom at her best, she was the youngest of four girls, She was valedictorian five 10, her cheerleader. And then what started as fun quirks when she was a kid, there was an unaddressed eating disorder, some unaddressed mental health issues, which then turned into prescription drug abuse. So that played out in physical abuse and neglect and just not a very safe home life. When my dad wasn't around, especially for me, she used to say I should be a lawyer. I just always had this sense of right and wrong. when my dad passed, my protector was gone, and also my mom got lost in her own grief and addiction. I always say on June 19th, I buried both my parents, I became, the one that called plumbers. my brother, in high school, somebody was like, your brother's, the smelly kid on the basketball team, I would go to the store and figure out a better deodorant. At 13 and 11, our relationship got complicated because I was the most responsible person in his household, but I also didn't know what I was living wasn't normal, but a kid should never be making adult decisions. and there were people that tried to help and I don't know, I thought any alternative was worse. I had this big dream that kept me safe in those years of getting punched and kicked and all the things. My dad's company had set aside a trust fund for us, and anytime things were difficult, I'd be like, you just have this many days. You just have that many days. I wanted to be a marine biologist. talking about the ESS earlier. They had a family membership to the National Aquarium in Baltimore. And Ben Tembe was the first love of my life because I was the annoying girl playing air hockey with him and his friends. I went one time with Ben and Ms. Lee to the aquarium and I. I got chosen as the kid in the audience to help the trainers and Ben was crushed 'cause he'd been there at least 25 times before and had never been picked. So I gave it over to him and ever since then I was you know what? He can have this time. This is what I'm gonna do for a living. I'm gonna live on a boat and go out into the Atlantic and save turtles. Dolphins and it's fine. so that was the big dream that kept me safe I wrote to every 102 universities that had it as major. I made sure I had all my prerequisites yes, the dream of going to USC or Auburn or Florida State would be worth whatever I had to endure from eighth grade through 12th. Another earth shattering time then would be in August of 2002, so that may graduated from high school. Letter winner in soccer and basketball, top 5% of my grade. I decided to go early acceptance to Florida State, so I didn't apply anywhere else. Shortly after coming back from orientation, I confronted my mom because my tuition checks or housing deposits, were coming back and I caught her on a time where, she was probably not in her right mind and a confrontation ensued. I found out she had went through all our trust funds, all our savings, and she felt no remorse for it because in her mind, I killed her husband by, he was coming home early for my game. So It didn't peak there at the time. I worked at a grocery store at $5 and 15 cents an hour to bag people's groceries and take them to the car. And she tried to run me over with a car and came in and like it was highly dramatic. And after that, I had a restraining order against her. I was legally emancipated, but I was 10 days off from going to college. My big dream, my thing that kept me alive since my dad died. I was lucky to have a scholarship that I could go to the junior college in my town, Northeastern Junior College. I had to get a better job because you can't, pay books and food and rent on $5 and 15 cents an hour. so I was lucky to find a job in retail that worked on commission and I had these wonderful managers that tried to build back up my self-esteem but again, plotted my days till school ended and I got out of there. I got a job back in Maryland at a summer camp I went to as a kid and didn't look back after may of 2003. Another, I wouldn't call it an earth shattering moment. I would in the sense. In, 2012, I was living with my boyfriend Jeff in Denver. We'd actually just gotten back from our hometown from Sterling. It's the fair is there. the county fair, they have a big night show and it's like the town's reunion. We were just there two days prior. And at that time my mom still lived there. So if I ever came to town, I was head on a swivel. I just didn't want, I was still afraid of her I would never go into Walmart so it was odd. The two days later I got home from work and I got a call from Sally, who was my victim's advocate when I was a kid. And she was calling to let me know that my mother had passed away. What another tricky thing At the time my brother was deployed in Afghanistan, so I called my sister-in-law and she worked with the army on how to get him home. But that was a hard one. That was a hard one because my character system came into play. My mom belonged to a. Church after my brother and I had exited her life and had played this story that we milked her for everything she was worth and then just left her to suffer. I don't know, but the pastor of the church had some like choice words for me and I just had to take it, He made me get up there and read my mom's eulogy. And it was hard be, you know what was hard about that is I never got the apology. I never got her getting healthy or saying it's not my fault. So it's tricky and there's people in our lives that would still today tell you Cheryl Brown is the kindest person you've ever met, and that's okay. That's their experience. They didn't live mine. And, I've made peace with her in my soul, and my brother probably didn't. Then the fourth big, the reason we're at this podcast at the 2222 moment. So on Mother's Day of 2022, I was at a soccer tournament with Hadley and Ripkin came along too. Jeff and Tinny were at church. Hadley was warming up. I went to get rip a snow cone. I get a call. My brother and sister-in-law at the time are living in Germany, so with the time zones and cell phones, we'd normally chat on Facebook Messenger. So I got a call from my sister-in-law, on Facebook Messenger, except it wasn't Kelly, it was her friend Brittany, and she couldn't find the words, and she just said, I'm just so sorry. I'm just so sorry. Zach's no longer with us, and she could barely get through it. And so I took Rick back to the car. I put on the Polar Express. I called my husband and I was like, you have to come get here. I can't move. You know, I can't hallie's game's about to start. I can see her, I didn't need to know everything right away. I just, a Complex, post-traumatic stress characteristic. I am terrible at staying on task But if the world is on fire, this happened a couple years later when, my nephew cracked his head open when we were on vacation and he had to get medevaced out of the Smokies. You know, I know I can get to work, I can see a kid bleeding, I can put the towel, I can apply pressure, but I can't. So I knew what I needed to do. I told my sister-in-law via her friend they asked me if I could inform everyone, which I did even before I knew everything. So that's how I spent that Mother's Day, that Sunday, just outside calling everyone, telling them the worst thing all. never my brother's best friend from high school, Richard, he had this wonderful romantic day planned for his wife. he had a hibachi grill coming over. All this fun stuff. And he knew it when I called. He said, why are you calling me? Oh my God. And that's the stuff that sits with me right now. I don't think about it every day. We're just approaching the anniversary. yeah, my brother was my best friend. I also took on a parental role to him, so losing him in that way kind of felt like a failure. We can get into that all another time. Let's go to another question. What, oh, let's see. What are you currently working on? I am taking the challenge this year to incorporate more joy into my life. I am, trying to say yes more. I am trying to see things that I'm intrigued about but would never do because I have no skill and be you know what, I'll do that. It's funny, right now I have this thing where I. I want silly things, Like to take an art class, I just got back from Charlotte and all those buildings had really pretty lines. It'd be fun to know how to paint that. But I have had spit on my heart for a while to go noodling, you know, catfish, where you poke your fist into, the mud and I cannot find a single friend to do it. I'm gonna find one of you to help me go do that. Man. Okay. Let's see. I would also say another core belief of mine is to try everything. These last four years have been ups and downs and sideways and squiggly and all the things in between. And when something doesn't work out and after I give myself a minute, right? If it's not one day. yesterday, I had a backslide. I was really trying to get this episode out to go forward with all these very cool ideas I have, talking to researchers and lawmakers and I almost can connect the dots on a really life-saving thing, but in my head, I had this, I have to get episode 13 out. I have to sit down and talk about myself. And you know what I tried. I couldn't do it after the kids were all home from horses and school and were outside riding bikes. I could have pushed through, but you know what, I didn't, I had a Pacifico and played animal crossing and then I woke up today and said, all right, I'm gonna go to the gym, get the kids to school, get this one done. So yeah, I am currently working on. Developing more joy and also my worth in life. That is something I wish it'd be so simple as to be oh, you know, she blames herself for her dad dying and her mother dying and her brother dying, and that's why she has no worth. But it's so much more complex than that. Yeah. I think back, my mom was really close with one of her sisters who's about 10 years older. I've only heard this story 'cause I don't remember being two, but we were shopping and my aunt thought it was funny to say. Bullshit. Because a 2-year-old says anything. And so we were shopping and we were having so much fun and it's like squealing in a cart and I kept being that's bullshit. Right? And my mom slapped me across the face, 2-year-old saying what her aunt is telling her to. And That's just an example. It's not like I even remember that story. You know, my aunt tells it to me. But it's those things that have been reinforced in my life that I don't matter, shut up and suck it up. All these kind of negative things because if self hating and. Loathing could help us achieve the goal. Wouldn't I be there by now? I like to joke that I get an a plus in, healing while also being the most pity party person. that would also go lead this next question. Do you have any regrets? I think the easiest way to sum it all up is I had a rigid view that taking care of yourself is indulgent. If you have time for therapy or money for therapy, then you must not be working hard enough. it's very unhealthy words. Then I'm trying to, disassociate from, but it. incorporates everything. I was 13 when I was forced to be a parent. One would argue my dad traveled a lot for work, so it was probably earlier than then. You know, my mom wasn't abusive and neglectful just when he died. It just took a different turn. So anytime I came across an impasse or something hard or uncomfortable in my life happened as a young adult I never leaned in. I was too scared to look in the mirror. It was always easier to run. And that manifested itself in me really hurting a lot of people. Probably from about the time I was 18 until, I ended up. Accidentally pregnant with Jeff. I don't know how you wanna word it. I continuously had a boyfriend, a serial monogamous trait and that's awful because I would have partners in my life that. we would say, I love you and things and in my head, I'm already plotting my next move. How can I get out of this? Or this makes me uncomfortable, or I'm too young to get married. How can I blow this up? That happened twice there. I just have hurt a lot of people. I also, in the needing to run, I've never been comfortable sitting still and. At my age now, it is impossible or very hard. that Smoky Mountain trip I mentioned briefly with my nephew that was like five families that I'm very close friends with since college and it's been two years. It's so hard to get to together with those people without all of life coming at you. So if I could go back to my late teens and twenties I would. Sit on the couch with Colleen and drink coffee instead of making myself busy being at the library. I thought my mere presence was an inconvenience to everyone, and anytime it got too real, I would blow up my life. New boyfriend, new apartment, new job, you know? And yeah, and even the job thing. I spent so many hours with those people. I grew up with those people. especially when you work in the hospitality industry. I've had two long bartending tenures. Shout out Bill Bateman's in Towson and Mother's Federal Hill Grille! a lot of your regulars are families. holidays I'm spending with my coworkers and I didn't appreciate the gift of those friendships when I had it. It's not like I don't have, I call those fools now. I just, I wish I would've had the courage to be more honest with myself from the second I got out of my mom's household because I did it. I just was trying to self persevere for, what else do you need to know about me to want to listen to my podcast? How do you feel? Most misunderstood? I think people look at me and make snap judgements, and I also play into this, most days if you see me, I don't have makeup on, I have sweat. Then like once a year my husband he's on the board at the Cowboy Museum, the ne National Western Heritage. there's one weekend a year, gotta be fancy all weekend, and rub elbows with John Wayne or Will Roger's kids. I do play into it, but I just wish there's so much more to me than people see and. I hope anyone that ever needs a completely unbiased ear knows that that's me. Somebody could sit across from me and say the most outlandish thing, and I would lead with love every single time and what we said would stay. So I think people, yeah, I guess I don't, I guess I shouldn't care what people think about me. Okay, so if we're, this is a little more of a downer than I thought. Let's see. So fun fact, I didn't become a marine biologist. It took me, more than seven years to get through undergrad. I took a year off to make sure I had residency so I could afford to. School. I would've loved to have gone to the University of Delaware. It's so beautiful. You probably wouldn't know that if you haven't been to Delaware, but it is in Newark. but I ended up at Towson, which was great for cost of living. it was a commuter school. People. There were more non-traditional students, maybe 19 and not 18. I did end up after all that time with, what is it? A Bachelor's of Science in biological studies with a concentration in ecology. So not quite marine biology. Also I did, I should have pivoted, but sometimes people get tunnel vision and, my parents instilled it on us that, it's college or bust. There would've been easier ways, quicker ways to get out of college and, I sometimes struggled with the getting off of work at 3:00 AM to make it to an 8:00 AM organic chem lab. So that cost me more time and money. And then to find out when I had that degree, I would still have to be working in the bars because, a caretaker at a zoo at the time was probably a mid $20,000 job. Let's see. Okay. Tell us about your brother. Man. My brother. That song from Mufasa, my brother. Okay. My brother and I are about two years apart. I was born in October of 83, him October of 85. He wanted to be my dad when he grew up. he went to first grade in a button up shirt and had a briefcase and he was gonna be a businessman, and that's even, he was still, when I was on my own in Maryland working, trying to get through college, and he was still at my mom's house he would still see you or bust even though knowing that the money situation might be different, he had. Financial aid and ROTC helped. he was on the school newspaper, he played basketball and football. He was very smart, very loud, gregarious. He also had the biggest heart. He just loved everyone. That came up In his funeral, everyone he was an NCO or noncommissioned officer Sergeant Brown was always the one checking up on me, if he knew I had a terrible roommate in the barracks, he'd make up an excuse for me to stay at his house and dog sit, things like that. So yeah, my brother went to CU Boulder with a international business major. my sister-in-law and I would laugh if you looked at His, transcripts. his first semester's a 4.0, his second one's maybe still a little lower, but still good, a 3, 7, 5. Then it just goes for the next two and a half years till he tanks. He ended up dropping out of college. And my cousin put him to work. He owns his own, business in the oil field. very long hours, very terrible conditions. summers, it's 120 degrees in rattlesnakes, winters, it's negative 15 degrees in Wyoming with 80 mile an hour winds, and long days. 5:00 AM to midnight and do it all again the next day. That's why they call it Roughnecking. when my cousin Steve picked him up in December, come about March they're home from work and gets a big knock on the door and it's the United States Army. Saying that Zach failed to keep up with his part of the contract. he needed to report to Fort Benning for bootcamp by this day. That's where he got his MOS or you know, the Army's job, he was gonna be an 11 Charlie Morman. So that started his military career. he went from Benning. To Fort Lewis in Washington state. From there is about the time he deployed to Iraq. He got married at the time then came back and was in Fort Stewart, and then Fort Benning as a drill sergeant. And then 2012 deployed to Afghanistan. Then came back and went to Campbell where he was in NCO. And then from Campbell they got their dream assignment. Also at Campbell, he had a baby, became dad to David, who is named, my dad went by Randy, but his formal name is David, same as my papa. David was born in 2016 he's nine months younger than tinny. And then they got their dream assignment to go to Germany in August of 2018. They went to Germany. So he went there. It was an interesting housing thing for a while. The way they do housing in a foreign post or at that one at that time wasn't how it is here. You have to wait. For something to come available in your class. my brother, sister-in-law nephew, two giant dogs are in a hotel room for 135 days. not ideal living situations. the woman upstairs always called about the crying baby. Then they finally got a house they were in Bavaria. And then we all know what happens in 2020 and living in Germany. During COVID was very different than where I live in Oklahoma. they sometimes couldn't walk outside to get the mail without a mask on and, they demanded vaccinations. And for somebody like my brother who never let him himself sit still, who always. Worked or was active. And when he got parked on a couch at home and couldn't use his hands and couldn't drinking really took o some stuff bubbles up and when, trauma bubbles up, it is like an annihilation zone. Even things you think are stable become not, so even, his job was a pretty big stability factor, but he just. He was drinking a lot. His marriage was falling apart. His career was getting a little funky. Just wasn't the best of anyone. In October of 2021, he, he went to a nearby base. he was at JRMC Fels. He went to graph where he had some buddies stationed and they were out at a bar celebrating his birthday. And he got a DUI didn't go to jail. So that was in October of 2021 until May of 2022. It got a little chaotic. He didn't know what was gonna happen with his career, or if he did not let me or his wife know. And I don't think he did or didn't know for a while. So he was terrified. He put his whole identity into that uniform, and now the thought of it being stripped away from him and possibly dishonorably, he really thought there was no life for him after that. he would make jokes. We were in constant contact, and I at the time thought it was a little codependent. I would sleep with my phone next to me because it would be at 3:00 AM and my brother would be drunk, but I'd need to talk him off a ledge or. And I don't know why I took all that on being an ocean away, and I still, if I knew things would play out the way they would, I would've hopped on a plane and drug him out of there by his six four gray ears to drag him to rehab and risk of going awol. It just got very chaotic after that. The drinking. His wife asked him to go to a cool off barrack. He was doing a training exercise in Slovakia and he got sick and had to have surgery. There was a point where he, he had made up his mind if they were gonna throw him out. He was gonna, I don't even think you can do this. He was gonna join the Ukrainian army. It was very chaotic until probably about the end of April, probably. Or about the time we are now. And then his texts were as chaotic and I look back and I think he made up his mind and just had to push himself to get there. So he was worried. his wife and kid were gonna come back to the States early release of dependents. He thought he was getting kicked outta the army. He did finally agree to rehab. They did not have any beds until May 16th. He passed May 8th, the reality that these heroes subscribe to the greater good often means they think removing themselves from the equation is that answer. He had a very good friend that reported, the Army's big on structure and chain of command. And he had a friend that reported to Zach's chain of command, Hey, my brother passed this way and I'm seeing these signs with my friend. I need you to do something. And all that friend was told is they're handling it. So after Zach's passing, that friend did put in a formal complaint, yeah, I don't wanna get into all that. He was living in a room on base with no sheets, lots of trash, beer bottles, for somebody that my mom sent out a 1991 Christmas cards that I was a hot, disorganized mess, hoarder. And my brother had a place for every tractor or truck or sock or underwear. He, that is not who he was at the end. Yeah. We can get into all that. Another time I just, my brother, losing my dad was the worst thing that happened to my brother. Right. And he would've never chose that for his son. And anytime. It used to really bother me. I, it's It's interesting that I think I have no worth, no confidence, no esteem, but at the same sense, sometimes these giant altruistic tasks like, I'm Superman and I'm going to save this 22 military veterans a day that passed this way, But. That bothered me at the beginning. I needed to get my shit together because this is gonna happen to another family like Zach fell through the cracks. I see the cracks, I see it. I can't let this happen again, but now I view it differently. in October, I was on an expedition with the Travis Manion Foundation with some other families of the fallen. And you just see yourself in so many of their stories. Not everyone is suicide. Some killed in action, some cancer, some, clearly lots of ways to pass. But you see your stories in others, and nowadays, I do this for those friends, the ones That haven't been able to form the words yet. So if it takes me saying yes to a speaking engagement and I get up and cry, I maybe motivate somebody out there, somebody that's a doer or somebody that has the potential to connect the dots. I'm not doing it so that this doesn't happen to another family, OK by the way I am really enjoying getting to learn this podcasting stuff. I have no idea what I'm doing and if I'm honest, in that Shakira try everything mode. About every six months I talk to a friend in Austin who, Is also a psychic medium, and she was the one that nudged me to do this, but it was in December and she told me I had 12 months. So right now, I feel ahead of Zach's goal or however you want to look at it. I know I have a lot of production things to learn. I have a phone call next week with a buddy also weirdly named Zach from Portland that knows how to produce. So I'm only going to get better and better at this. I'm really excited for where we're going. I know this episode is a little more. Ugh. I bet you're still like, I don't know anything about that chick, my lucky number's 13. My Tenny wears it for soccer now. Yeah. I thank you. Thank you for listening. I should give you some cool facts in our first 12 episodes. Let me pull it up. Okay. In our first 12 episodes, we have listeners that have joined us from 21 countries and territories and 192 cities. the most recent locations are Caldwell, New Jersey, salt Lake City, Utah, Scranton, Pennsylvania. 65% of you are finding us on Apple 14 Spotify. We do have. 93% of our audience is in the us. I got 1% Germany. Thanks Sam Roy. 1% Japan. No idea who that one is, but thank you. Right now the top episode is my good friend Tristan Adams, talking about her dad on episode nine. Yeah, I hope I can put this into some sort of cohesive story so that you learn something about me and you keep wanting to turn in. 'cause I really do. This is how we change the world. the Oklahoma City Memorial Marathon was last weekend. A friend of mine that's a professional racer, Mark Bravo, also calls the race. He said something to me and I'm trying to play with it right now, but he says I coach different from how I was trained. He was laughing. nowadays you gotta have a hydration station every half mile. him and his buddies used to do 20 miles, no gels, no salt sticks. and I think that's what I'm trying to do here. We grew up different than. The way we're raising generations up. And I think if we lean into that, we share our wisdom and our perspective and our kindness. We're really gonna get somewhere that we had never imagined. So that's all I have for you today. I'm trying to be an open book, so if you have questions, if the next time I need to explain myself, I could do it better, please let me know. And thank you for tuning in to sparking the Torch. Have a blessed day, Jess.

Jess 41:33

It means the world to me that you clicked Sparking the Torch Pod. If you like what you heard, please leave me a five star review. If you've got a story you'd like to have highlighted, shoot me an email. Thanks again.