Rebuilding Your Life in Recovery | Jackie Farris

In this episode, Jackie Farris joins Never Alone Live to talk about the process of rebuilding your life in recovery.

She shares insights about the challenges and growth that come with starting over, learning new habits, and creating a life built on stability and purpose.

Never Alone Live features real conversations with individuals and families affected by addiction, offering hope, connection, and proof that no one has to face this journey alone.

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:13

Welcome, welcome, welcome everyone to Never Alone Live. We are delighted to have our special guest, Jackie Ferris, here with us today. As always, we have uh Sober Barbie, Krista, and then uh I'm Johnny. And uh, you know, we uh we don't mince words around here, Jackie. We just jump right into it. So uh Jackie, let's uh you know tell us a little bit about yourself.

SPEAKER_01 0:41

Sure. Thank you for having me. Um Jackie, I have four kids, and I have lived a crazy life. Like, honestly, like when I talk about it, I'm just like, this is literally insane. Like, I feel like I'm in a movie. And like, really, like I've disassociated so long, and then I finally healed, and I feel like I'm in a place where I'm like, wow, that really happened to me. I grew up just very like in an abusive household, all the abuse you can think of, from sexual abuse to physical abuse, and it was kept pretty hidden, you know. In the 90s, it was like you don't talk about it, you shove it under the rug and keep it moving. And that's how I've just always lived my life. And I carried it into my adulthood, but I didn't realize it. Like I always said, nah, that stuff didn't bother me, but I did because I used my whole life. Like I started drinking pretty young, started using pretty young, and I got sober all the time. Like so many different times I've gotten sober, and I've had four kids, and I was sober through all of my pregnancies and everything. And I did some prison time, and I'm here today to to speak about it, to share my my journey. I'm excited.

SPEAKER_00 2:03

You're on mute. I'm on mute. He is, he is. Oh, he says the best stuff when he's on mute.

SPEAKER_03 2:09

I always say the best stuff when I'm on mute. Oh my goodness. It was just so uh so huge what I just said. No, uh just I just I just really want to say thank you for being here. I'm gonna jump over to the comments real fast because we got a bunch of friends that are joining us, our friend Jess and Paul and Sober hats is in here right now, and we are going to be giving away uh uh a sober period hat, or he's got ones now that say clean period and things like that. So it's it's just getting cooler and cooler because it's recover out loud, you know. Um, you know, it's just so profound. And and what better way than to wear my recovery, right? And uh so we're gonna give away some free hats. And um, but just but Jackie, let's keep going into this. You know, it's uh your your story, you know. Um I got all the feels already. So I'll let you continue, you know. What uh what where was your gift of desperation?

SPEAKER_01 3:08

My gift of desperation, like the toughest thing I went through.

SPEAKER_03 3:11

Yeah, let's talk about the bottom. Let's let's start at the bottom.

SPEAKER_01 3:14

Okay, so um, you know, in my whole life I always thought that my traumas never bothered me. Um, but when I lost custody of my son, whoo, that's where it just really hit, you know. I'm gonna cry already. Okay, I was I was just trying to like get through it because that's what I had always done. Just pick it up. You know how it's like you have these things happen and it's like a file cabinet, and you just shove it in the file and you put it in the back of your brain, and you're just like working and doing whatever you're doing, just living life. And I tried to, I never missed a visit, of course. I had a son, my first son, his dad's a cop. And I always thought like, I'm gonna take myself out of my childhood and my traumas, and I'm gonna get with this like stand-up guy, you know, and like my life's gonna be so much better. But really, what I learned is it doesn't matter what your title is or what your job is, like you have to be a stand-up person inside and not just your profession, you know. Um, so I was dating somebody else. I had left him and I had my son full time, and I had gotten into a fight with my current boyfriend at the time, and I went to a hotel with my son. And of course, I was drinking and just not I made a lot of mistakes that day. Um, but when I was drunk, I had gone to sleep, my son was already sleeping, and I woke up and my son was gone, and I'm just like, where the heck is my child? So I walked out of the hotel room butt naked. Like, I don't even remember any of that, but I know because I've seen the police report, and the cops were waiting for me, and I got arrested that day. My son was fine. Um, but that's what started my losing my son. So I got a DCFS case and I did everything right. I never failed a drug test. I did to the T everything they told me to do. Um, but because my son's father was a cop and he got an order of protection against me like right away, I know now that like this was all planned. Like there was something that happened that night that it it truly wasn't my fault. But there's nothing I can do now, you know. Like I was already drunk and made too many mistakes and lost custody of my son that day. So that was probably the hardest thing that that happened to me.

SPEAKER_03 5:51

Wow, that is uh that's uh so you were arrested and then you went into jail. How long were you in jail?

SPEAKER_01 6:00

I didn't stay in jail at that point. I it was skoky, or I probably really shouldn't say too many details, but it was like they gave me court supervision. So I just pled guilty. I wasn't in jail very long, just booked in, booked out. Um, but it was once I lost my child that day, I started my DCFS case and I just started my sobriety journey at that point. Um, but the DCFS case lasted one year and I had a second child during that time. And once I got off of papers, I always did so good, like when somebody was watching. Yeah, but then as soon as nobody's was watching or I wasn't talking about recovery, it was just like I would fall back. So, and you know, when you don't heal those traumas and you have like this shame in the back of your brain that you just can't get rid of, it's like that's what always brought me back to using is like the shame of like losing my child and like abuse in my childhood and everything. But at that point, it was really like not being a mom. So I started using again and I had been on Vicanin, like I took a lot of pills and stuff. My I had a boyfriend that was a doctor, and he prescribed me a bottle of Vicanin, Norco, and I was a bartender at the time. I had like a cold. I was like, oh, I got a cough and whatever, explained my symptoms. And he told me that it doubled as a cough suppressant. So I'm like, okay, you know, that's fine. And I truly liked it. I took one, I started cleaning my whole house and getting things done, like just so much energy. I'm like, I think I started college that same, like a couple months later. I was just like, wow, everybody should do this.

SPEAKER_02 7:53

I can do anything.

SPEAKER_01 7:55

Yeah, yeah. And he was on it too. Like everybody, there seemed like there were so many people on it then, like back in 2011, 12.

SPEAKER_02 8:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:06

So I remember like 2000 and yeah, 11, 12. Um, and it I don't think that I'm right, but he definitely abused his power for prescribing me the medicine. And then it was just like all the time, you know, like back then they didn't watch it as much, so I'd get like 90-day supply mailed to my house because he was my doctor and my boyfriend, you know, so it was not hard to do. One time it was like midnight, and it was starting to get a little bit more tighter with the pills, and he was telling me, like, oh, you're gonna have to slow down, whatever. I'm like, You literally did this to me. Don't just stop automatically. Yeah. Um, we went to the back of a pharmacy. Like, he had a friend that worked at a pharmacy, he was like the owner, and he literally walked me through the back door, and I just walked right in to the back of the pharmacy, like where all the pills are at. And he could he knew he was doing wrong. He was telling my boyfriend at the time, like, this is the last favor I'm doing for you. And you know, I didn't care. I was an addict, I just wanted my what I needed at that time. So got my pills, and um, what really started me using heroin was he got in trouble. Like the he got his medical license taken away. I thought I was the only one, like one of the only people, like girls, but the feds came and questioned me about him, and I was nervous, you know. I'm like, am I in I thought I was in trouble, and they said I was not in trouble, but I didn't believe them. I'm like, yeah, right. You're the feds, like I don't trust you. Um, so I stuck up for him. I was like, no, you know, he's that's not who he is, he's a good person, whatever, whatever. And he ended up getting his medical license taken, and his lawyer called me one day, like when that was happening, and was like, if you care about him, just don't talk to him anymore. So I'm like, okay, I never heard from him again. Like 10 years with this man, like, and he's just gone. Like, I have no idea where he went. Not even know what happened to the man. Um, but then I went to the streets. I went, I didn't even know anybody, so I just went to a gas station near like um like a hood area, I guess, that I thought was where there would be a drug dealer. And I just was like literally so desperate that I'm just like asking strangers that were walking into the gas station to get me drugs. And I had a Malibu, a black Malibu that had police plates, like it was like police memorial, like for like police wives and stuff. Um, because even though I had the doctor, I still like kind of like had other people too. Like I was with different guys and and now I really didn't respect myself. I was really a people pleaser, just pick me, pick me. Um and I find somebody, he gets in my car and takes me to like around the corner, and then I got some dope that day, and then that was my first time. I took it home and I snorted it. And that's how I got on on hard drugs, on like heroin and stuff like that.

SPEAKER_03 11:29

How long how long did that journey last?

SPEAKER_01 11:32

10 months, not even a whole year. Like that's how fast it took me before I went to prison, and then I did three years in prison.

SPEAKER_03 11:43

What brought you to prison?

SPEAKER_01 11:46

I was well, I was doing a lot of erotic things, but um, I had met this other guy that I was, he was like a drug dealer in Champagne, and I was oh my god, it's so personal. Okay, so it was in this town, it's okay. And I was in a hotel with him, and he was a drug dealer, so he was like not really like trapping the hotel out, but he was just leaving all the time and like making deals or whatever, and I knew what he was doing, but um the police came and kicked the door in, and then he like gave me all the drugs, and of course, people pleaser I was. I was just like grabbed him. I had just enough time to like put it inside of me, and I went to jail that day for a warrant. Like I had a warrant for my arrest for a previous theft charge that I never went to court on, like a petty theft. I think I had stolen something from Walmart. Not that I like even needed to steal, I just I was so erratic. Like when I lost my child, it was like I was just like self-destructing, and you don't even know you're doing it, you're just doing it, and then you look back like what the fuck was I doing, you know. So um, I went to jail and then I had the drugs inside of me still waiting in the holding cell for like my arraignment for the petty theft, and I was just like using the drugs, like you know, I didn't want to be sick, and well, that's why I told myself, you know, I didn't want to be sick, so I was using pulling them out like under a blanket and like using them and then like coming back out. Um, then I told this girl she was in the holding cell with me, and I had cocaine and heroin on me, but I was like just wanting to do the the heroin, and I guess I just wanted to like misery loves company, like I wanted to bring somebody in, I guess, with me. Well, she told on me, and then the cops came in or the COs or whatever, and like told me they were gonna strip search me, and they did the whole squat and cough thing, and they found him. So then I got possession with intent to deliver in a penal institute. Um then when I went to court, I got the penal institute thing like dropped, and then I got possession, just like a simple class four possession. Um, but they sent me to boot camp. It was like I had never been to prison before or any kind of jail time. I never even had jail time, but I um I took a plea, it was like six years, but with the chance to go to boot camp. So I took I took that and I was gonna do four months only in boot camp. I'm like, cool, that's easy. Like, I need this. Like you shake your head, everything. It was like working out and like, you know, therapy, all that. I'm like, I need this. Um, but then once I went to prison, I was like, same erratic behavior, I guess. Like, I don't know honestly, like what was going through my head. But this CO and I started flirting and like talking back and forth, and um I think there was a couple letters written, and we had he made this plan, like we're gonna have sex, and I'm like, okay. But then once it came down to it, I was like, I don't want to do this. I was like shaking, like physically, like I couldn't do it, like I couldn't even perform. But it was like I just wanted to make him happy, I guess. You know, I like ran back up to my cell and closed the door, and then he came back up there and was like, what's wrong? You know, it's okay. Like, you need to finish what you started, you know. You got me all going and stuff, and I'm like, like, okay. So I went back down there, and we were in the laundry room, and he said, Well, there's no cameras here, and I had only been in prison for three weeks. Like, I literally just freaking got there. Like, you don't know me, you don't know me from Adam, he doesn't have a condom. Like, he it was just like so fucked up, like, literally think I'm in a movie. Like, what is happening here? Like, this if this is not God, like I don't know what is, you know, I don't know what's going on here, but like I just felt so stuck. Like, like I'm not saying it was God that put me through pain, but it was like I just knew there was some kind of plan, like something going on. So I ended up having sex with him in that room, and then the next morning I told on him. I was just like, it was like a yeah, I don't know. I was like, I told the nurse, I was like, well, what would happen if um like a CO was to have sex with a with an inmate? And then the nurse sent me to IA, which is internal affairs, and then that's when I like broke down and told them everything. Um, and then I ended up suing the state for that, and then I fought the case for like six years, and I they ended up settling with me, so they settled for $3.3 million, and I walked away with 1.7.

SPEAKER_00 16:57

Gotta give your attorney a third of that, right?

SPEAKER_01 17:00

Yeah, I was like, well, they got 40%, which is I didn't care. I honestly was just like in the beginning of it, I was like, I don't care if it's one dollar. Like these people need to know what they did because it wasn't that part that I sued for. It was the time that I did because I was supposed to go to boot camp and I had been cleared for boot camp. You have to take all these tests, like you have to um see the gynecologist, you have to see the dentist, you have to see the mental health professional, you have to see all these people to like get through. Okay, well, I saw all those people, I was past, like literally just waiting for my bed, like my spot. Yeah, and the CEO told me he was like, if you tell, you're not going to boot camp. I hope you know, and I'm just like, okay, I don't know, but I really didn't want to tell. I just wanted it to stop happening. And then when I did tell, they told me, like they promised me, like, it's not gonna take your boot camp away. Just tell us what happened.

SPEAKER_02 18:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:02

Um, so I did, and then they did take my boot camp. You know, he was right about that. So um I ended up doing the full three years because if you don't go to boot camp, you have to do the original sentence, which took half of six years, and then they transferred me to a different prison too. Like, because when that happens, they're like protecting you, so they put you in a whole new prison. And um, they people aren't supposed to know about it, but everybody knew, you know, I was like the whore, the whore of the prison. Um oh my gosh, it was just like the stigma, you know. There was other girls that it would happen to, and they'd transfer you like on a separate bus, like in the middle of the night or whatever, and then they put them in SEG, protecting them. Um, yeah, so that was how I went to prison.

SPEAKER_03 18:55

Wow, Jackie, what a I mean, what a story so far, you know. So and thank you, thank you, thank you for for being for being here and being honest and and sharing with us the way you are. I know it's it's hard, you know, and all of these traumatic experiences that you've gone through, you know, and how you know that's it's it's kind of easy to tell as an alcoholic and an addict myself, you know, we we we drown our situations with, you know, alcohol and drugs. That's our solution, you know, to to fight the feelings. And you know, so this uh it's just uh it's it's you've got an amazing story and uh and it is uh and so profound. Okay. So you get out of you get out of prison and you're so when is this? Let's keep our timeline.

SPEAKER_01 19:49

Sure. It's prison. I got out in the end of 2018. So I went to that new prison, but um I was just harassed so much. Like, I mean, I wasn't the I wasn't innocent by any means, but it was just like any little thing I did, like I'd get in trouble. Like I went to segregation for I spent 10 days there for literally nothing. Like there was some rumors about another CO that had had sex with somebody, but it wasn't me. But of course, they put me in the target, yeah. And they're like questioned me about it, and I'm like, I don't even know that man, like I have no idea what you're talking about. And then every day internal affairs would come down there, like, just tell me the truth and we'll let you out. And I'm like, I have nothing to tell. Like, I swear, I don't even know that man. Anyway, come to find out that man was on vacation the whole time that I had worked in the kitchen because he was the kitchen supervisor. I got I got out, but it was just the point of how they harassed me all the time. And then um, I had gotten a lawyer while I was in that prison, and once the lawyer was kind of like coming in and out and seeing me and stuff, they started really just treating me better. Like um, there was a unit on that at that prison where you get to see your kids. And I lived pretty close to the prison. So my kids came all the time. And if your kids are close, you can have your family drop your kids off and then like you get to really be a mom. Like, you know, it's hard to do it in the visiting room and just like see your kids. My second son was 10 months when I left, so I really am regret, I'm really grateful for that program because it was like carpet, microwaves, like you know, it was more comfortable, especially for a child.

unknown 21:38

Oh my cat.

SPEAKER_01 21:40

Um so I was in that program and then I was in that program for like six or seven months before I went to work release. So then I went to like Aurora area and I did work release. So it was kind of like a back step for a little bit because I had to start over and kind of like work my way out. Up to get home passes, but that last year of prison, I was working like at a restaurant, and you know, I got to make some money and kind of like get acclimated back into society after being in prison for two years. And then I got out at the end of 2018.

SPEAKER_03 22:20

Okay, so you got out in 2018, and what happened next?

SPEAKER_01 22:26

Um, well, I met my husband pretty quick. Like I met him when I was in work release, and I just knew that like this wasn't my life anymore. Like, I'm not gonna be doing this all the time. Like, I did not have any more jail time, prison time in me. Like, it was literally how like I could have never done that again. So I used to be really just like crazy. I'd run my mouth, I wasn't scared of anything. Like, I could literally, I would run from cops and they'd always catch me, but it was just the fear inside of me just wasn't there. There was no fear, I had no fear. But then when I got out, I was scared of everything. I couldn't even go to the grocery store and deal with the person, you know, doing the at the end because I was just like, my anxiety was just so high, like everything. I'm like, I don't want to get in trouble, I can't get in trouble. Um, but I also didn't want to go, I didn't have anywhere to go, really. Like I had this biological dad that I met when I was 27, but it was just weird, you know, like when you just don't know somebody that well. He had my son, and I'm I was grateful for that, but I truly just wanted to like start my life over and be a mom. Like, I didn't want to go home to a stranger's house, like that was just something that I didn't want to do. So I pearled to my boyfriend's house, and that was pretty typical for me, like just to move in with somebody and try to start over.

SPEAKER_02 24:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:03

Um, so I did that, but you know, we fell in love. He we're married now, we've been together ever since, you know, it's been like eight years now, and we have two kids together. Um so yeah, I went there, I did my parole and everything, finished parole, and that's it.

SPEAKER_03 24:24

This wasn't so this wasn't the end of using though. Um, you know, let's uh I want to talk about uh you know finding recovery uh for good this time, and you know, and we're gonna get into that topic uh uh in a minute. But uh what was that that what got you this last time?

SPEAKER_01 24:45

Because you've been sober for it's been about a year and a half now, but when I first got out, I really just I thought that oh it's okay to drink, you know, like I wanted to celebrate, you know, like oh I just got out of prison, like I want to have a drink. And I thought, as long as I'm not doing heroin, you know, like as long as I'm not doing these hard drugs or like failing drug tests, like it's gonna be okay to drink, you know, because I'm not an alcoholic, but I mean I was, I truly was. Like Krista told me this one time where I was watching one of your videos, like I'm allergic, like I break out in handcuffs. I got that from you. I'm like, that is so fucking true.

SPEAKER_00 25:28

Um break out more than just handcuffs sometimes.

unknown 25:32

Right.

SPEAKER_01 25:33

Um, but I didn't think so at the time. I just, you know, maybe if it's just wine, you know, like I'll drink wine every now and then. But I was just mean, like nasty, like not a good person. That's not who I am. You know, I never do that when I'm sober. Why would I act like that drunk, you know? But um I can't I hid it, you know. I didn't tell people what I was doing. I was just like Cali sober. It's like, you know, whatever term you can make it just to make yourself feel better. I don't know. But and that's not to say that other people that are Cali sober are not sober, you're totally sober. It is what you want it to be, but for me, I couldn't do that. Um, and then um I was fighting for my son, like I still had my older son that I needed and I wanted, and I I've you know kept seeing him on weekends and stuff, but I truly just wanted more. So I was fighting court for that. I had to do like hair follicle testing and all this stuff, but um, I moved closer back to my hometown. I I didn't want to do that, it was like change your people, places, things, you know. I just didn't want to be here just because of the stigma and like how everyone bought me and the people that I knew, but I did because I didn't get pesty of my child. I just had like every other weekend and like um I didn't even have summer, I don't think then. Or maybe I did, but anyway, I thought it'd be better for me to be closer to my child. So I moved back here to this area, and then um I started seeing my mom a little bit here and there, and my mom was in a treatment program, she was on methadone, and it was just like one day, just like thinking that it's not a big deal. Um, I used some of her methadone, and I'm like, okay, just one time, you know, it's no big deal. And it kind of gave me that same feeling because I had been so many years, like I guess like five years at that point, that I had done any kind of opioid or any kind of drug like that. Um, so I had the same feeling of like getting things done and cleaning up and doing everything and whatever. And I had grown a little bit of a following too by then on TikTok. TikTok in 2020 was kind of like blowing up, and I was like, oh, it's a fish. Yeah. And my son was on there and I wanted to see what he was doing. So I got on there and I started just making little funny, silly videos, and one went viral, and I'm like, oh, that's cool. So I started making more and more, and then it just like got me to heal. Like, I'm like, this is helping me. I saw other people sharing their stories, and they're not ashamed, and I shouldn't be ashamed either. So I just started slowly kind of sharing bits and pieces of my story on TikTok, and it was helping. Like when you release some of those things, it's like like I don't know how to explain it. It's like a like if something just gets lifted off of you, like, okay, I've already let that out. Say what you want to say. I don't give a fuck. This is who I am. Like, that's not who I am anymore. Um, but you fake it till you make it, truly. You don't even feel it when you're doing it. You're just like, I want to be sober, I want to be a different person, I want to change my outlook, I wanted to change my actions, how I thought, how I felt like so many things. I just wanted to be different. Um yeah, and fake it till you make it work. I didn't believe it for so long. I'm like, that's such a sane. Let's who's who does that? But it truly does work. Fake it till you make it. Um, and then when I started taking the methadone, I just one day turned into a week, and a week turned into three months, and after about like three or four months, I'm like, this is sucks. I'm like tied down. Like once I was like literally doing dishes, like two sinkfuls with a whole line down the counter for a little bit of methadone, so I don't have to be sick that day. I'm like, I need to change. So I got myself into a treatment program, which I'm still in, and I went started at like 30 and then went all the way up to 78 was my highest. And now I'm back down 39. I've been going down like one every two weeks, and I'm truly proud of it, you know, like that keeps me away from the gas stations and like looking for drugs, and it keeps me on the right track today, and I'm gonna go all the way to the bottom.

SPEAKER_03 30:14

You are and see, I'm I'm I'm so I'm so glad that we're having this conversation because there are so many naysayers about out there about Matt. And what is Matt? Matt is medically assisted treatment, and you know, it is utilizing prescriptions and different things to uh aid in your recovery, and there it's controversial. There's a lot of people that out there that uh that don't believe in it. Myself personally, uh I'm a 12-stepper, I got sober through the through AA, and I love it, but every person has their own journey. And anybody who has listened uh for the last 30 minutes to your journey, and if they want to say anything about what you're doing for your recovery, you can go fuck yourself. Yeah, it's so powerful. I'm like blown away. Because, dude, I'm I mean, you know, we don't know each other well, but I am proud of you. And you know, and and it it is hard, and you know, learning to live a new life after you know years of trauma, years of trauma, and you know, and they say they say, Why can't you just stop? Why can't you just stop? They don't know the trauma, they don't know what you've gone through, you know. So forget what the naysayers say. Um, you know, and Krista, I'm gonna jump up to you for a second because you know, uh, Krista's husband, who I'm also so proud of, Bubba, one of the greatest guys in the universe. Uh, he uh he's also on Mac. Uh Krista, why don't you tell us your experience?

SPEAKER_00 31:56

Well, like you, Johnny, I am a 12-stepper too. I got sober in rehab 10 years ago, and I watched 90-pound girls kick heroin with a Benadrop. And I'm like, if they can do it, why like I was one way because I only saw one way, and I worked for me, and I didn't know about all the other ways, and I just I didn't know, and I was very closed-minded in the beginning, and I admit it. And until I loved someone struggling with it, it was heroin and the other illicit stuff, and um, he just couldn't get it, and I I I was mad at him, I was angry. I'm like, why can't you get it like me? Like, just go to meetings. Like, it did not work like that. Like, we tried everything until I found out about MAT clinics, and he started going, and it started with um Subitext, and um it lasted a little bit until I found him hoarding them and he was lying and doing other stuff, and then we had to get back on the track again, and um he switched it up and went to methadone, and he had almost four years of sobriety. I I consider him sober, like it's better than what he was doing. Like, I mean, his life was manageable and in control, and he was working the steps, it was just medicine he had to take every day, and um, he earned good standing with them, and they'd send him home with a week home and then a month home, you know, and he was doing the their meetings and therapy along with it because I think that's important too, to get some kind of therapy out of it as well. And um he a week before his four years, he relapsed on that stuff, and um then he was still going to the clinic while he was relapsing, and I just didn't know how that worked either. And um, but he ended up going to detox off the illicit stuff, but it was still too hard for him. He's like, Krista, I can't I can't get off this other stuff. I'm going to stay on it. And um, he's walking in, he hears me talking. Um, and I said, that's fine, just get off that illicit stuff, come home, and we'll, you know, work on. And so he is still, but he's processing like going getting lower doses, and like it's a it's a process, but he goes to meetings and he is a member of society and an a great father, a great husband. And um, I believe in MAT, even though I personally didn't go through it.

SPEAKER_01 34:32

Can I jump in real quick?

SPEAKER_03 34:34

Absolutely, Jackie. The floor is yours.

SPEAKER_01 34:37

So I feel like you definitely can use um methadone and be like not doing the right thing, right? Like so many people, and I won't put it on anybody, but you know, I truly feel like my mom doesn't do it the right way. I mean, she'll go as high as they let her, and I just I feel like you have to, if you're gonna do it, you have to at some point come down. Like, you know, you can't be there for 10 years at the hundred milligrams, but I mean, that's also a personal thing. If, you know, I don't know, people might be really big and different weights and stuff like that where they need more, but you know, I truly feel like at some point you have to come down. I went to prison and went through those shits and I literally shit it on myself. You know, you get through it, you live through it, but I don't want to live through that, you know. Like I wanna come down and take myself down the right way. Like, I don't feel like I'm in prison, so I don't have to go through those like terrible moments of like sweating and shaking in the bed. Um but you have to be doing good, they're watching you, you know, you're drug testing every month, and you can't get your take homes if you're not doing the right thing, and they make you go to certain groups and stuff, which I mean it's a personal choice. Like, I didn't have anyone telling me to go there. There's a lot of people at the place I go that are told to go there, like they have to go there for like whatever like DCFS or probation or whatever the case may be. But for me, I was just there like as a for my personal reasons, and um yeah, I just I started coming down and feeling like really clear, like I don't even know what I was looking for when I first went there. I was just like, I don't want to be in this desperate spot anymore. I want to be able to at least be doing the right thing, like I want to be able to be taking the methadone on my own and not like taking somebody else's, because that I knew that was wrong. Um, so I didn't even know what I was there for, but I immediately started going to groups and I was also smoking weed, like and it was it's legal here, so I'm like, yeah, whatever. But there was like this one counselor that kept just writing on me for it. Like, even though you can do it and you sh you it's okay to do it, it's like it's you that's doing it, you don't have to do it, you just want to, and you're using it as an excuse. And I'm like, yeah, whatever. Like you're on, you're just talking shit. But then it was like you just started sinking in, like, yeah, I want to feel clear, like I'm still using trying to block out these things of like not having my child and like abuse, and I just wanted something different, so I started doing somatic therapy. That's where you really go backwards, like all the way to the beginning of like what's your first memory? And it was hard for me to do it with a therapist because I just didn't feel comfortable, so I did it on my own. Like I got a book and I started working through all these moments and then like sharing them online and kind of talking to people through the comments and whatnot. And then I started healing, like truly and for real this time. And then I started sharing those things in my groups, like with others, other people that were on methadone or not on methadone. There's plenty of people that go there for whatever reason, but um, I just started sharing, and a lot of times people would be like, Why are you here? Like, even my own counselor, and she's not there anymore. She actually got fired for like talking about me outside of the clinic, and I had no part in that, but um, she's like, What are you here for? Like, how did you even find this place? And I'm like, I googled it. Like, just because I have money or a platform doesn't mean I don't have problems, right? Like, it doesn't mean I can't be a drug addict. Like, I'm a drug addict, I'm here because I need to be here. Like, I felt like they were just like judging me, like, well, you can go anywhere. So if you truly wanted help, like, why would you come here? Like, I don't know, I just Googled it, but I don't feel better than anybody, so I didn't feel like I had to go to like this upscale place, and like I just was like, Well, I'll go wherever, you know, I don't feel better than anybody. And then I truly feel like God sends me to these like places because he knows that I'm there to help people, like I'm there for them to see me and my story and be like, Oh, if she can do it, I can do it. You know, if she can get up and take care of herself every day and come to group and go down on her dose, then I can too, you know, because I feel like some people do just go and then just keep going up, up, up. Um, but yeah, you have to want it like truly and truthfully, you have to just want to be clean. Like it's a personal thing, you know. Nobody can like force you to do it. And I always thought the same thing, like, well, just fucking quit. Because I've always quit. Like if I got pregnant or whatever, like it was in my brain, like, I gotta quit. This is something I have to do. I can't use when I'm pregnant, right? So if I could do it then, like, you know, why can't I do it now? It's like if there's nothing making me do it, I wouldn't do it. But it was like this time, I just I had to heal. Like, I just wanted different. I'm literally 40. Like, I just couldn't keep going through these moments. And then with me having that money, it was like everybody hated me. Like this whole area, like all my people who I thought were my close friends and like family, they were just like jealous, like she doesn't deserve it. She's a whore, like how dare she? Like, I wasn't just gonna be like, No, I don't want the money, like you know, but anyway, it was just like so many people who were like telling me I couldn't run a business and I couldn't do this, I couldn't do that because I'm a drug addict, like I'm recovering. And I feel like if you're gonna tell me I can't do it, you're telling every fucking drug addict that if they get sober, they can't do it. That's just how I felt.

SPEAKER_03 40:58

Yeah, I'm telling you that I I just I appreciate you sharing so much, you know. And you know, sorry, no, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_00 41:07

I love you so much. I want to be your best friend.

SPEAKER_03 41:10

Your story's so familiar, and and and I'm reading the comments while you're talking, right? And there is so much love and support in these comments right here that I just uh you know, it's it's overwhelming. And what you are, Jackie, is a messenger of hope. And you know, your story that you've shared with us today. Look at that, I didn't even know Krista was wearing that shirt. You're the hope dealer, you know. And we're all messengers of hope, you know. We all have a story, and every story has different paths, and your story has a much different path than mine, it has a much different path than Krista's, but you have the ability to help people with your story, and that's the key. That's the key. All the naysayers, all the haters that are gonna hate, all the people that are gonna try to throw shade, you know, and there's plenty out there because the the world is imperfect. But the only thing that matters is that you stay sober and you try to help other people, and you know, living a different way and and utilizing different solutions than the solutions we used in the past. And what to get past those traumas, we have to live through them again and go through them, and you and you went through them, you know, even if going through them by yourself, that's even harder.

SPEAKER_00 42:31

You don't give up, you don't give up, like that's about doing it. Knock me down, I'm up again.

SPEAKER_03 42:38

Like, you know, and uh and you know what? Let's let's break into some fun for a second because this is a kind of chance. Jackie, this is a test. This is this is a test. Let's we're gonna break into some fun for a second, and uh, you know, let's give away a hat. Okay, our buddy Mike has uh is the owner of soberhats.com. His email and uh Megan, can you put it in the comments? His email is soberhats at gmail.com. And the contest today is you have to email Mike. You have to email Mike at soberhats at gmail.com. The first one to to say the statement recover out loud to to Mike at soberhats at gmail.com. There it is, right there. Thank you, Megan. Uh, the first person to send Mike an email that says recover out loud will win a uh a sober period hat, or you can win a clean uh period hat or something like that. We love giving away free stuff, Jackie. And Mike is uh one of our one of our guys, and he uh supports what we're doing uh immensely and lets us give away free stuff every now. Actually, every time. Every time we've given away like a dozen free hats. I love it. And they rock and they're kind of.

SPEAKER_00 43:52

And he just celebrated eight years yesterday.

SPEAKER_03 43:54

Oh Mike, congrats. Let's give a little round of applause for our buddy Mike. It's sober. hats.com. We celebrated eight years of continuous sobriety. We love you, Mike, and uh, and we're so glad to uh have you part of our little community and uh Jackie, now you get to be part of our little community too. You know, yeah, we're the we're the excited we're the we're the dysfunctional brothers and sisters you never asked for, but you're stuck with us now. Um uh so okay so we've had this has been an intense conversation today Jackie and I thank you so much and I I swear I know I know so a lot of the people that are uh in here in the comments now are in our they go to our TikTok live we do tick tock live every morning on Silver Barbie's page at 10 a.m eastern uh that's not a plug just telling you when it is and uh and everybody is everybody in here come tomorrow morning is going to be talking about this so you know and the love and support that had this community has uh is is awesome and you know thank you for sharing now let's talk about your your social media stuff because you're kind of you're kind of popular a little bit yeah you're kind of you're a little bit popular kind of a how do people find you people find you uh you have a a big TikTok following you have an Instagram uh Megan can you uh can you put in uh um Jackie's uh Instagram and TikTok into the comments um uh so okay so let's talk about your about your stuff on social media what are you talking about on there um so I have TikTok it's just my name Jacqueline Ferris and then my Instagram same Jacqueline Ferris there's an underscore after it I you know like I had got lost all my accounts when I got out of prison so I had to start over like uh Instagram and Facebook TikTok wasn't really a thing but um you know I couldn't get back into my old one with just my name but so there's an underscore on Instagram and I talk about recovery I talk about um I do properties now I started a business called TNF Estates and my husband and I started it T for his name Thompson and F for my name Ferris and I just like didn't really know what to do when I got this money but I knew that I didn't want to fuck up you know I'm like this is a lot of money you know like I'm not gonna I I just couldn't mess it up and I truly feel like my family was trying to get me to fuck it up right like nobody had a plan for me just I had so much stuff thrown at me like stocks and storage units and this and that and like I desperately wanted to do real estate.

SPEAKER_01 46:38

I don't know why it was just like it was just like God kept telling me it was like it's just your like my intuition you know like something kept saying like go for it go for it. But my family was telling me like that's too much too hard whatever but I wasn't afraid of hard word I'm like you're not scared like I gotta do this like that's a lot of money I wanted to keep it like I one way or another I wanted to just stay a millionaire I guess like I don't know but you know when you're into real estate you don't have a lot of cash if you invest it all into real estate you have a lot of properties so I got my primary home everything like I didn't take out loans at first I just wanted to learn and stuff so I got my primary home and then we started the business and then I got uh two investment properties and then I got two more so now I have four um we're working on the one it just got all gutted like we did demo yesterday and we've been through a lot with it so far and just learning she shares about this in her stuff so it's really cool journey to watch. It was just like without going into all the details of that because it's recovery but it was just like you can't trust anybody when you're investing nobody's gonna look out for your money like you so you just can't listen to people. You literally have to learn it on your own. So that's what I did. I started learning I learned about the Burr method and I learned about DSCR loans and pulling your investment back out once you have the property and you got to have your credit up and it has to stay there. Like you can't just be out shopping and spending on your credit cards all the time. Like you have to be um you have to be disciplined and that was something I wasn't used to you know I wasn't used to being disciplined and anytime I had money I just blew it you know I just if there was anything extra I'm looking for what I can do you know like what can I do with this money. So I just wasn't used to having like a savings and like now I have a Roth IRA and you can put $7,000 in it every year and keep it from Uncle Sam and that's perfectly legit. And um high yield savings account like you can put it in a separate savings account like not a regular savings account but a high yield one you can earn on it. So I learned about that and I first listened to my biological dad telling me to do the stock market thing but I couldn't do that. I had too much anxiety for that it was like up and down and all this stuff Trump and I'm like no I just want to do properties but nobody wanted me to win it felt like like it felt like everybody's problems became my problems like first I'm the problem right but now it's like well I need groceries and I have a I had a flood and I have this I have to work till I'm 70 like okay I have four kids and I have a lot of things to go through like and I had blessed like everybody close to me already like I gave my bio dad $25,000 like extra I had owed him some money I paid him that but then the $25,000 was just free then I bought my mom a car and like the groceries and stuff kept always happening and I'm just like who did you go to before like it was so much. I was just like I have to stop so I really start protecting my peace and just setting boundaries my family yeah setting boundaries and everybody was calling me crazy saying that I was like isolating and I wasn't like I definitely still hang out with people but I just am very like limited now. Like I just watch out for who you are and I I don't know like I used to trust everybody I just saw the good in everybody and I had this like well I'm a shit shitty person so what can I judge? Who can I judge like I would never judge anybody for what they've been through what they look like what they've done nothing. But now I just kind of like I still feel that way but I just protect my peace and I'm more like leery like okay that's fine but don't hurt me you know yeah you're cautious. Cautious there you go thank you and yeah so that's where I'm at now I run my business and a lot of people were trying to say that I couldn't do that because I'm on methadone or whatever. Um but I am doing it and I can do it. So fucking fuck off you need to write a book you need to write a book okay I am writing a book I'm writing a book right now I've literally wrote better pages but I'm writing it on my own and I have a mentor that I'm working with.

SPEAKER_00 51:20

So yeah I am writing one it's one of the most powerful stories I've heard in a really really really long time. Thank you.

SPEAKER_03 51:27

Jackie thank you so much for sharing with us this has been this has been outstanding. Normally I'm in the comments reading comments but I was so uh engaged I couldn't like I couldn't stop never seen them pay attention like this I know right that's horrible but uh but thank you so much and then if people want to learn more about you want to see I mean you're teaching people how to invest you're teaching people about your recovery you're teaching people everything so go follow Jackie uh her all of her TikTok and Instagram information is in the comments um so and if you have questions for comments you know what maybe we can convince her to come on uh TikTok with us tomorrow morning she'll come get a box I know she'll come yeah she's already shaking her head yes so that's uh I guarantee Jackie will be on tomorrow and you guys can ask all your questions for her tomorrow and uh and and Timothy hang on Tim uh sober cowboy Tim won the uh the hat today come back next week we'll be uh we'll we've got another interview next week and we'll be giving away uh more free uh sober period hats and just once again Jackie thank you so much for being here with us today i i mean so many people were on here and got it got to hear your story and you know get some hope from you hopefully and uh you know and thanks everybody for tuning in uh we'll see you next week thank you