Never Alone Live
Never Alone Live is a podcast dedicated to recovery, healing, and honest conversations about addiction and mental health.
Each episode features real stories from individuals in recovery, family members, and professionals who understand the challenges and the hope that recovery brings.
Recovery is not something anyone should face alone. This podcast exists to remind you that support is always possible, healing is real, and change happens every day.
Never Alone Live
Different Paths to Recovery | Jessica Karnes
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In this powerful episode of Never Alone Live, we sit down with Jessica Karnes (Recovery Speaks with Kizzie) for an honest and inspiring conversation about the many paths to recovery. Jessica courageously shares her personal journey through addiction, the challenges she faced, and the strength it took to rebuild her life.
This episode is a reminder that you are never alone, and that healing is always within reach.
We laugh. We love.
SPEAKER_03Hello! Welcome, welcome, welcome to Never Alone Live. It is uh great to be here and uh and today we have a special guest with us, a friend of ours from uh TikTok Recovery Speaks with Kizzy. And uh you know thank you for being here. Thank you for sharing. We'd like to kind of just jump in. Um so you know what uh what uh what got you here?
SPEAKER_00To tell my story?
SPEAKER_03I mean, yeah, we'll just start with the story. What got me here? Let's uh no let's uh let's let's just break it down.
SPEAKER_00Where are you from and uh what was I'm from um I'm from a small town in Texas, uh Jacksboro, Texas?
SPEAKER_03Born and raised?
SPEAKER_00Born and raised. I lived there until I was about 18 years old, 17, 18 when I went to college. And uh born and raised in Texas.
SPEAKER_03Born and raised in Texas. So how long have you been in recovery?
SPEAKER_00Eight years.
SPEAKER_03Eight years. So what what was it like before recovery?
SPEAKER_00Well, I'd like to say that you know, it was just a combination of a living hell and a lot of chaos. And um you know, I had a good childhood. Um, was really into sports. Uh you know, there was some fighting in my house that I I as I got older now, I realized kind of affected me of how I respond to things now when it comes to fights and stuff. Um, but I knew my parents loved me. I have uh two sisters and a brother. So I had a you know a good size, good sized family. And I, you know, like I said, I was born and raised in Jacksboro. I finished high school there, went and played basketball in college for a little while until um I met a I met a guy. It always starts with a guy for me. So I met a guy. And um, and I I quit basketball and everything fell apart. It I just forgot what was important to me, and he became everything. He was my I believe him and sex was my first addiction. Yeah, I truly believe that those two things were my first addiction, and uh it lasted a c about a year, and I just went downhill and moved out of my mom and dad's house. I went back, moved out uh again, moved to Fort Worth, Texas, met my first husband, and uh you know he was into some stuff, and I was a very naive 19-year-old, you know, a very sheltered, very uh small town shelter. And I um didn't know the red flags or the signs, and fell in love with him, and you know, ended up having two two girls with me, my daughters. But I became addicted to um I was holding my daughter one day and I came downstairs, uh, the front stairs outside and fell and uh hurt my cell bone. Well, what did they throw at me? Pain pills. And that is when I realized after after a while that when I couldn't, when I got better and I still wanted them, that I had an addicted personality. Big time.
SPEAKER_03How old how old were you when this went down?
SPEAKER_00Um, let's see, I I was 19 when I got married um to my first husband. So probably around 23. 23 is when I started taking the um the pills. And one morning, I mean, my life consisted of, and my husband's life consisted of, because he was doing it with me, of going to the you know, doctor shopping and getting on, you know, that whole life. And you know, even though our kids were fed clean, had their needs met, they didn't have that love, they didn't have the emotional needs met at all because we were too preoccupied with getting pills.
SPEAKER_03Um this didn't happen though until you were 23. What about before then? Did you have any problems with substances before, you know, drinking and anything like that? Which is he's this is always uh, you know, I am uh I am a product of uh I started drinking uh very, very early, and I know Krista started drinking, you know, like right out of the womb. So it's uh uh so it's this is always interesting to find somebody who started kind of later in life, and you know, and this is you know, could finding pills later in life and not the the drink. That's uh that's interesting. Go ahead. I uh sorry, I digress.
SPEAKER_00Well, I the only drink I ever had before I got married was I was babysitting and took one of my aunt's wine pillars and and and drank it. That's the and that was probably when I was 16, 17 years old, and that is the only drink I ever had because I was too worried about getting kicked off a sports team or upsetting my dad, or you know, so I didn't smoke, I didn't drink, I didn't anything. So, you know, and when I started drinking, you know, when it would be like a if we went out dancing like every two or three months, it wasn't like I was, you know, I wasn't drinking every it wasn't a problem when in my 20s. No, the pills were the big problem. And by the time my um my my mom and dad showed up one morning at my house, my husband had just gone to the store, they showed up at my house. I weighed probably 75 pounds soaking wet, and was laying on the couch just un, I was gonna say unaliving, dying, you know, unaliving, sorry.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, we can say different things here. I think we're saying we're good.
SPEAKER_00So um it they we found a rehab, my very first rehab, and I and I was 20 28. 28, 29, and we found my first rehab, and I went to detox for 10 days, and then I went to IOP for well, they kind of forgot to graduate me, which is fine, because the more IOP that you have, the better, you know. But it was like three or four months worth of Iop. So I just kept going. Um and it stuck with the with the pills, you know, whatever whatever happened, it stuck. And to this day, I have not had a problem since with the pills. And you'll learn with as we keep talking, you know, I could have easily have gotten gotten addicted to them again with the health things I have in surgeries. Um so you know, I moved back to Jacksboro, got a rent house, and was taking care of the girls, got a job. I was going to school for um medical billing and coding, and then I got a job at the hospital there in Jacksboro, ended up being the marketing director there. And you know, everything was was good, everything was good, and then another guy showed up. Another guy. And you know, he was as straight laced as they come. Straight laced. And you know, I didn't have an active problem at that time, and we ended up, he treated me and the girls like princesses and me a queen. Um, and we ended up getting married for the second time, and I was um 30 just a minute. I got my cheat sheet. I was married to from 2012 to 2015. And um he ended up destroying me. Destroying everything that there was. I knew this would happen.
SPEAKER_01Okay, tears are good.
SPEAKER_00He destroyed everything that I was, everything I felt about myself, my self-worth. Um treated my girls like shit. And you know, I didn't know how to get out. I I I was, you know, nervous about telling anybody. Um not because I was embarrassed of having another divorce, but because I was embarrassed that I chose someone that treated my kids so badly. And uh and then it when we got a divorce, guys, that's when in 2015, that's when everything hit the fan for me. I uh I bought a house, but I bought a house caddy cornered to his. Um and every day that I saw him with the girl that he was cheating on me with, it tore me down further and further. And one day, me and the girls, I was drinking, and before we got the divorce, you know, I was so down that I was starting to realize that two glasses of wine was better than one, three was better than two, and so on and so on. But I still at that time didn't have to drink every day because of withdrawals. Um, but I wanted it. And um I was drinking one day, and me and my girls got in a big fight, and they're I told them to pack their stuff. This is the one decision that I regret, and I'll regret it the rest of my life. Told them to pack their stuff and call their dad. And uh they're grown now, but from that day on they've never lived with me again. Ever. And uh they did. They they packed their stuff, they went with their dad. The next day I decided I was moving to Redosa, New Mexico, because that's where we vacationed my whole childhood. And I was going there to unalive myself by drinking. That's why I was going. I never planned on coming back. And in 2015, I laid on a couch for six months doing nothing but drinking and drinking and drinking, and I succeeded at what I went there to do. I walked out on my front porch, I was gonna feed the deer, and that is the last thing I remember for nine days because I had organ failure and I had an alert and was on uh a ventilator. They told they caught my mom and them were ten hours away because they took me to Albuquerque because Redosa Hospital could not handle me. And I will never they they my whole family was there, and they said, you know, that they needed to try to get me off that ventilator to see if I could breathe. I will never forget when I woke up the look on my family's face, and it was a look of this sadness that I have never seen, and this despair and anxiousness and all these things together, and they all just were looking at me, and I they they were really surprised that I that I started breathing again. Um I had to learn to walk again. I because and and I had to I couldn't breathe without an oxygen tank because when my organs uh felled, fluid came out of them, and some of it went to my lung and turned it into leather. They call it arts, and I couldn't breathe without an oxygen tank. My sugar was all over the place because my pancreas was shot, and I just remember my mom and dad taking shifts. It was a 10-hour drive. They were taking shifts, coming back and forth, they never left me alone. Um, I will say, yeah, I always try to see the good in in things that happen, the blessing and the lesson. And me and my dad had never had as good of a relationship as we had those days that he would stay with me alone and all we would do is talk in the hospital. And that was that was a blessing through all of it because me and my dad only had a sports relationship. I knew my dad loved me, but it was just centered around sports, you know, him and I.
SPEAKER_03Casey, I'm gonna I'm gonna stop you for a second, because this is uh you're amazing, first off. Uh, thank you for being here. Thank you for being vulnerable with us and all the stuff you're sharing. And it's uh it's it it's you know, we that we have a pr progressive disease, right? And and it starts uh at this slow, you know, okay, things have gotten bad. Uh I'm gonna get out of it a little bit and how it built up to what it built up for you. And it and it doesn't matter where you are in life. I really I want people to hear, I love hear hear other people's stories, and I and I love that we have people here watching now because there's other people that started later in life, you know, and and you know, people that can relate to this and relate to your story, and we talk about powerlessness, and you know, in your story, you've already shared powerlessness over and giving other people the ability to be our higher power, and that's enormous. That's enormous, and uh so I'm I'm thinking I thank you so much for what you've shared so far. I can't wait to hear the rest. I want to jump to the comments for a second just to say hi to a couple people. Uh friend, our friend Brandy Harris is here. If you don't know Brandy, I'm telling you, I think Kizzy and Brandy would be the best friends, so we've got to introduce them later. And and we have uh our hang on, where is it? Uh there's doo doo doo uh sobin, sobin, sobin, six months sober today, sobin, we love that. Uh Joe Connolly, 49 days sober today. I love that. If you're celebrating something, we're celebrating something. Love all this, love you guys. Um, and we've got all sorts of friends in here. Uh, Jessica Lauder, she's a friend in here, and Paul, I believe, is in here, and our friend Tiffany. Tiffany is from Canada, and she has been on every single live we've been on. She never misses a Wednesday. Uh, and Helen is here. Uh, so thank you all for being here right now. And Jessica, thanks, Jessica! She's another TikTok person. Uh, three years, love you, Jessica. So glad you guys are all here. And look at see that now they've gotten going. Once I start going over to the comments, it's hard to come back. Tracy has 46 days today. Tracy's so proud of you, and Brian Lynn has a year, one month, and seven days. I think it was.
SPEAKER_01There's a big one though. One tomorrow, David. He celebrates two years tomorrow.
SPEAKER_03Two years tomorrow, David. Love that. Love that.
SPEAKER_01Love you. Snap. We should snap.
SPEAKER_03We should we're gonna snap.
SPEAKER_01Yes, we snap.
SPEAKER_03I'm so proud of all you guys, and uh please keep sharing. Tell us more, tell us more. Okay, Kizzy. So where are we at? We we you had a a pill problem, and you sought help, and you went to Iop for you know for four months. I love that story, by the way. Uh, and then uh now you've developed uh a drinking problem later in life, and um you you attempted and were successful, but you came back. And so now you've got a great relationship with your dad. And let's hear what happened next.
SPEAKER_00Um it was a pretty big uh big thing that I forgot to tell y'all. I didn't forget, well, it because I I didn't on purpose tell y'all when I was talking about my childhood, because it kind of leads into this. When those six months were happening when I was drinking, you know, I called my mom one night and I finally at 30 whatever told her about my grandfather abusing me. I had held that in since I was nine years old, and there is no doubt in my mind that that contributed in my earlier years to men and sex because I didn't I thought that's all men wanted. You know, when I got older and realized it was wrong, I didn't know it was wrong at the time. It took me a while to realize it was wrong, and I didn't have anybody to talk to because I was too scared to. So I didn't talk to a soul. I kept it in until I was had to have been 30, however old I was, 2015, and I'm 46, whatever. And um I I I kept it in for that long, and I finally told her, and I don't think she told anybody. I think it's still just between her, even though he's now gone, my grandfather is now gone, and this is not I am not happy, but I feel a sense of uh calmness in my soul now that I can I don't ever have to see that face again. You know? Um but it uh it it it helped shape who I was big time. Um so you know me and my dad, I'll go back to me and my dad. We had uh we were getting into a great relationship. Um I had to stay after I was uh discharged, I had an oxygen tank. They thought they were gonna have to put an insulin pump in me. Um they they said I would never breathe them out, you know, without one an oxygen tank again or walk or whatever. And I was like, by damn, watch me. I'm too young to be walking around with the oxygen tank and insulin pump and a little, you know, no, I'm I'm too young. And so um I did some home health. We went back to the house that we had in Redosa and stayed there for about a month and did some uh rehab on myself and came home and I never or came to to Jacksboro. I never went to rehab uh at that time for my drinking, you know. I just unalived, was in the hospital, cleaned myself out, and then just came back to Texas. So I never went to rehab, outpatient therapy, nothing. And I was still having pancreas problems and a lot of pain, and I went to the doctor, she sent me to a specialist in Dallas, and they said I had to have this surgery, and I said, okay, whatever we need to do, let's do it, you know, get me better. And they didn't tell me exactly that I wasn't going to be a hundred percent better ever again, but they did what was called the whipple surgery, and they took out most of my pancreas, my spleen, half my stomach, and uh my gallbladder. So, you know, it blows my mind that this disease is so strong that I felt all of this happening laying on that couch in New Mexico, and I still kept doing it. And sitting in that doctor's office, it was still blowing my mind that this disease is just so cunning and and strong. Well, I had the surgery.
SPEAKER_03So they call this the Whipple surgery. They took about like half your gut saying they just caught they gave it a fun name, like Whipple.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, that's what they call it.
SPEAKER_03I've never heard of this one before. I mean, is this a this is it's a whipple. Okay.
SPEAKER_00A Whipple surgery.
SPEAKER_03But I mean, I mean, let's for where you were dressed now, to what you just said, you know, uh, you know, you still even with all this stuff, uh, you know, you you had trauma, trauma that was unresolved trauma. And and you know, and you didn't, you know, this usually it's like it's seriously short after that we find the solution of drugs and alcohol, and you found those later in life. And so this trauma that was with you your whole life, you know, that was basically ignored by mom. And man, I'm telling you, kids, it's so I hate hearing it, and I'm so sorry that you went through it, and you know, and you know, so you found the solution. And once we find that solution, we talk about this a lot, you know, because this is what we had. We found a solution, something that made me feel better. Low self-esteem. I know how to fix that, you know. Uh, don't trust anybody, I'll just not think about it. You know, this is what alcohol and drugs they they they are the solution for all this negativity in my life. I know Krista talks about this a lot. Krista, you talk about that trauma stuff a lot. So you want to share for a second?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, um, I can relate a lot with you, Kizzy. Um like a lot, and from childhood, being in sports, and trying to just your first thing is you're trying to just keep everybody happy, like your parents, you're just trying to get approval, and then um noticing that because you I don't know the timing, but it sounds like when you were prescribed those pills in the beginning was around the time the whole country was too. It was the that the big epidemic that that catalysts it all, and they were just trying to put a band-aid on a bullet wound, really, and um didn't really care what it was gonna do to everybody, and um, you're kind of left on your own, and no therapy, and there has to be a release somewhere, and um trauma plays a huge role, and then you sub you don't know what you don't know as a kid, like going through that, because my family's going through something similar to that, and like you just everyone wants to say, hush, hush, and not talk about it. But the victim is literally left left to live with it, but the abuser has to just goes on with their life like nothing happened, and it's gonna have to come out eventually, it's gonna have to surface, and it comes out in unhealthy ways, and um it's a really survival, you're just trying to survive and move on, and then it takes a toll on your body, and you are a survivor, and I'm so grateful you're here, and I can relate so much with this. Thank you, Krista.
SPEAKER_03Thank you, Krista. Okay, Kizzy. Well, back at back at it. Um, so you've had your the whipple surgery, and you're still drinking.
SPEAKER_00No.
SPEAKER_03Oh, okay. That was when was that the no?
SPEAKER_00I've stopped drinking when I I've I'm I've stopped uh after I passed away, I stopped for a little while. Uh so I had the the whipple surgery. I'm not drinking at the time, was in the hospital for a very long time. And when they uh when they released me, I don't know, can I say the names of the the medications?
SPEAKER_03I don't know. We haven't quite figured that out.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, on the on the pain pill, they sent me sent me home with the the uh oh uh the M1 that they usually put through the vein, but it was a pill, the H one, and then the one that's in epidemic now. What does it start with? Uh the Finn. Yeah, and they were patches. Yeah. Well, all three of those they sent me home with. And I get it, I'm gutted like a fish, but you know, uh I didn't know how I was gonna handle that because I had already shown another addiction. This is my third addiction, you know, you know, uh, sex, men, and then pills, and then alcohol. How am I gonna handle this? Is my first time since I was 28 years old that I've taken uh a pain pill, yeah. And you know, my brain handled it really, really well, if that makes sense. Like I didn't I wasn't enjoying it, it wasn't you know, it wasn't like it was in my 20s, yeah. But when I finally didn't, I mean I tried to get off them as fast as possible, and when I tried, I had to go to rehab because my body was it was addicted to it. Yeah, I I couldn't do it. And I was not going to sit there and let those pills be the solution to my my withdrawals and my I wasn't gonna do it because my brain did not want it to happen, and it wasn't gonna happen, so I went back into rehab for the pills to get detoxed. Um and I was still I I guess I was about a month or two out from the surgery after I got the hospital and I started drinking again, and it was very little in my head. It was like it's little, it's not that big old jug of liquor, it's okay.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, preservations, uh-huh, yeah.
SPEAKER_00And then all of a sudden it became that big old jug of liquor again, very, very quickly. Like, I don't do anything slow, like it's like I I get it in my system and boom, I'm there, yeah, you know, and uh that's why there's not a lot of uh in the alcohol, you know, there's not a lot of progression on that one because it was like, ooh, two's better than one, three's better than one, ooh, liquor's better than one. Yes, and that's within like a three-month period.
SPEAKER_01So um escalated real quick, yeah, real fast.
SPEAKER_00And so I started drinking again, and um I called my mom one night. We went to rehab. I still had my feeding tube. They didn't want to take me in because it was medical, uh, because I had a feeding tube. And uh they they said, you know, this is a medical thing, we can't take care of that feeding tube here. So we and I mean I was crying. I was like, you've got to take me, you gotta take me, call whoever you gotta call. So they ended up accepting me in. And I got I got clean off of alcohol, but I was I lost my apartment that I had. I was not welcomed by my dad back out to the house. So I ended up having to live in a um in an Oxford house. Um and I stayed clean, but it I didn't I wasn't getting any help. Like I didn't fall through on therapy, I didn't follow through on on those things. I was just staying clean because I needed a place to live, and I knew that, you know, and uh so one night, so I'm not drinking, and one night we went to play pool, and long story short, there was a guy, but this was different, you know. Uh I met him and uh I really enjoyed his company. I may or may not have allegedly moved in with him uh very quickly and got married within three months. I mean, I showed up at the house with my stuff so and we got married, and I spent my um I I had star I started drinking again when I when I moved in with him. And uh he was a drinker but not an alcoholic, and I started drinking again, and we got married at the courthouse, and I spent our honeymoon in um detox. I said, you know, I I need to I need to stop. I I can't I can't do this anymore. So I did. I I went, did I had uh somebody who my therapist came to the house uh because I didn't have a car at the time, and I followed through on therapy, you know, all that stuff, and that's when I started finally talking about the trauma um with the therapist, and um when we we had been married for nearly a year, and I was good. I I thought I was I was sound, I didn't realize how vigilant. See, I still hadn't learned how vigilant you have to be with this disease. Yeah, that you can't take your eye, so-called off the ball ever. Ever. And I one night my oldest came over to help me organize my uh closet, and before she got there, I drank four four little things of uh wine in those four things. I um and I hadn't drank in so long that it got me drunk, of course. And we had the worst fight that you could imagine, guys. It got physical, and I have not talked, except for at a viewing for a funeral for 15 minutes, not taught to my oldest in eight years. And uh that hurts my heart more than anything that I have ever done in my life was to fight with her that I'm her mama. I'm supposed to protect her. I'm not supposed to cause her trauma. And the fact that I have caused my two girls trauma in their past, it still eats in me. Not as bad as it did, but I don't think I'll ever get rid of that. You know, I don't I don't yeah, it is grief, it is it's grief that's just on a loop. And uh I don't think I'll ever get rid of that. And uh so that was the um last time that was on that was in 2015 and uh nearly 16, 2000, nearly 16 but 2015.
SPEAKER_03I haven't had a drink since so that was uh that was it. That was the uh that was the final straw, and that was uh that was you know that was uh that gift of desperation.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, that was my rock bottom.
SPEAKER_03That's okay. So we got we're gonna pause that for two seconds because we have a comment from Monica. She says, Hi, what's the best way to get in touch with you? Thank you. Uh Monica, I don't know who you're referring to. If you're referring to Krista or Never Alone or Recovery Speaks, all of which uh have uh Facebook pages and Instagram and TikToks. You can message uh all of which, all of them. Um and what are you laughing at?
SPEAKER_01TikTok. That's our that's our that's where we are.
SPEAKER_03All these people are oh, this is uh we got our TikTok family.
SPEAKER_00And uh thank you, Tracy. Sorry guys, I had to say thank you to somebody. Keep over here saying how proud they are of you.
SPEAKER_03Kizzy Kizzy and Krista are live on TikTok simultaneous. So I mean, we are we are our our our our width is broad. We got we got bandwidth today. Um, okay, so Kizzy, now this is where I really want to get into it. I mean, we all have our stories. Now I want to talk about the solution. You've been sober for eight years. How did we get sober and how do we stay sober? That's uh the rest of our time together. I want to focus on that. We've got a lot of newcomers in here, and I want, you know, with 30 days, 60 days, 90 days, I want them to hear what you know worked for you. Uh, everybody has a different way of getting to the same place, and I'm very curious now. Um, how did you get recovery?
SPEAKER_00Well, I started going to to AA whenever I you know stopped. And then just I I I just felt like I I didn't know. I I don't want to say anything like I just felt like I I shouldn't go there that I went to NA. That's where I ended up going was NA. And I know that's kind of weird, you know, you're and I call it going to NA, but I I got so much out of NA, you know. Yeah, and I worked my steps and I worked my steps. I know they say to do it every year, but I do it every couple of years, and the steps work, I mean, the way they made me reflect on myself and and and look within, that's what I was missing, was looking within. Who who is Kizzy? That's you know, because I had put labels on myself. You know, I'm just an athlete, I'm just an alcoholic, I'm just uh a divorcee, you know, I'm a mom, I'm just a mom that doesn't see her. I put labels on me. Now it was time to do these steps that are proven, that are proven to help and look within, figure out who I am, and pour my energy into myself and to remain vigilant. And you know, for the first three years I went to um to NA. And then since then, I just I work my steps, I do my readings, I journal, I do my my TikToks and meet people like you guys and and spend time, you know, with with other with other addicts that that help me with different perspectives, different, you know, all that stuff. And so far, that is how that's how I'm doing it, is you know, the the traditions and the and the steps, man, they're they're the key. Amen. In my opinion. They're the key.
SPEAKER_03Love that, Kizzy. And and I love that you've tried multiple things. You tried AA, wasn't fit for you. Okay, great. You went to NA, you learned there. And you know, when we're out there and we're in active use, um, you know, problems come up, life comes up, uh, trauma comes up, and the solution are drugs and alcohol. And when we come out and we get that gift of desperation, that's that the and it's a gift, it really is, because it allows me to actually have the open-mindedness and the willingness to then do those steps, do that self-searching appraisal, do that, do those that that self-assessment. And it's hard. And when I'm out there, I'm normal, I'm fine. Yeah, I don't have a car anymore. Yeah, whatever. You know, yes, I don't, I'm kind of homeless because I'm living in my mom's basement. Yeah, but whatever, you know. Yeah, I get arrested every now and then. That was what my normal was. How dare you tell me I'm broken? How dare you tell me an alcoholic or a drug addict? No, you're an alcoholic and drug addict for thinking I'm an alcoholic and drug addict. You know, it's it's a but when I get that, when I finally get that gift of desperation, get this open-mindedness, and I do these steps. Man, it's a miracle what happens next.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah. And and see, I never did the steps like all those other times I went to rehab or to psych ward, or because I I have been diagnosed because I am a true believer, mental health comes before the addiction. I mean, I'm you know, uh, they're hand in hand. But I am diagnosed with bipolar and uh and depression and anxiety. Um, you know, all the psychwords I went to, all the rehabs I went to. I never did the steps because I would get it, and I wasn't it's c you said willingness, that's what made me think of that. Is that I looked at them, they seemed daunting, and it wasn't worth it to me at the time. Yeah. You know, I wasn't willing to put in the work. Because you have to be willing to put the same, as we all say, the same energy and the same work that you put into that addiction to get that substance, to get that money, to get whatever you need to get high or drunk, you gotta put it into your recovery.
SPEAKER_03Amen.
SPEAKER_00And I read uh Jules's um Jules's uh comment, and like she said, people places things. Yeah, you say what you know, you gotta change them. People always I laughed at that because I was like, I can't what do those people have anything to do with my control of myself? I can control myself. Well, control for one thing is an illusion, amen. I mean, you know, but uh I once I did start surrounding myself with the right people and the people in recovery, I I made a complete turnaround in my thought process, in my willingness, and staying teachable in everything. I didn't have an ego anymore. I you know, I didn't I got humbled. I realized that yes, you fell from grace, but you know what? You picked yourself back up, and that is not who you are. You're not your past, you are who you are now, and you're your future.
SPEAKER_01I love you.
SPEAKER_03I love I love that, Keszy. I love that. So now let's talk. I want to talk about so one last thing because we've been around for a while now. Um, you know, we get re we find recovery, right? That does not mean that life is not gonna stop life, you know. We've had we've there's been hard times in recovery, you know, things have happened. Tell me a story. What's happened negative to you in recovery that you have overcome?
SPEAKER_00Oh, my okay, my grandgrand, he had prostate cancer. They told him not to do chemo, um, but it was not aggressively growing. Well, a year later, I believe it was a year later, after or two years later, he passed away. But it wasn't a good passing. He was on hospice and he was at the house. It wasn't a it was not it was bad. He was like my second dad. And he looked at me on his good day, because he had a couple bad days, and then he was up straight up in the in the bed and having a good day and passed away the next. But he looked at me and he always used to tell me, Kizzy Wizzy, you be good. You be good, and I would always say yes, sir. But he looked at me and he said, Don't let this cause you to drink. That right there is the only reason I did not drink. Because the grief I felt was a grief like I have never felt in my life at the time. And then my Mimi a year later died, his wife died of Parkinson's. And my grandgrand's words still were the only reason I didn't drink in those times. And when I didn't do it, those words were the only thing, but when I didn't do it, it showed me how strong I was in my recovery because I could have blocked those words out, just like I blocked God out for all those times in active addiction, because he gave me a conscience. But I blocked, I could have blocked him out, but I didn't. And I knew I knew that I had the strength of a warrior, and I wasn't I wasn't letting it, letting my time go. I wasn't.
SPEAKER_03I love that. See, that's uh exact. I knew you'd come up with a good story for me right away. I knew that. I knew it knew it. And this is because you know, because this is you know, because life happens, you know, we're gonna lose people, we're gonna grieve in so in recovery, it's going to happen. Uh it's you know, it's how I'm going, you know, the only thing I have control over today are my reactions to outward things and my decisions. And you know, when I don't have to, when I know that this is no longer the solution, and uh something bad happens, and I don't use that solution, I use something else. You we get stronger every time, we get stronger, we get more resilient. And and Kizzy, I'm so proud of you, and I love you, and I'm so glad you came on here with us today and told your story, and you're both vulnerable and honest. I love you, and I know everybody in the comments is gonna love you. This this goes out, you know, and there's a lot more people that are gonna see this and hear this. Um, you know, what's the best way for people to find you?
SPEAKER_00Um TikTok. Recovery Speaks with Kizzy.
SPEAKER_03Recovery Speaks with Kizzy is her TikTok channel, and you go live every day, correct?
SPEAKER_00I do every day at 4 a.m. Central. Very early.
SPEAKER_034 a.m. Central Standard Time.
SPEAKER_00So that's I will say that the person up here in the left-hand corner is gonna have to get up real early.
SPEAKER_01I'm ready, I'll get up.
SPEAKER_03This Friday, Krista is going to be uh you are interviewing Krista on on Recovery Speaks with Kizzy, which is so awesome. Which but that's three o'clock in the morning or time. But East is Pacific is in the uh so this is awesome, and uh, I have jumped on your lives because I woke up in the middle of the night and it's 4 30 in the morning. I'm in bed. I got one eye open on my TikTok. One eye open on my TikTok typing, ah, kizzy. But uh, you know, you're out here and you are actively trying to help other people, and I see that. And I've seen it too. So when you know, when uh you know setting up this uh this talk today, you know, I knew that, and uh, I couldn't wait to hear your story and you know see who we can help today. That's what this is all about. Um so any last words of uh encouragement to our uh our people today?
SPEAKER_00Well, one, I am so proud of all y'all that are in recovery, and if you're not in recovery, I am so proud that you are here and you are listening. Um just remember, as I said, I knew I had the warrior strength. We all have it, it's all there. You just have to dig deep, find it, and be vigilant, and just know it's not easy, but it's doable, and like you said, life will be life, but you just that means you have the strength, you're stronger and can handle life as it comes. Don't think that you can't, and just be vigilant, guys. And you got it, you got it, and my DMs are always open.
SPEAKER_03Thank you, Kizzy. Crystal, you got any words of uh wisdom for everybody?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, your mistakes don't define you, and I love that she said we have the warrior in us, we all do, and um, you gotta put the work in. That's the big one. You can't just sit and expect it. And there are solutions and tools out there, and there's so many different ways to find recovery, and it's important to take suggestions.
SPEAKER_03Yes, look at look, I'm telling you, that's so good. Uh, thank you everyone for being here today. God loves you, so do I. And with that, we'll see you next Wednesday. Uh, same bad time, same bad channel.
SPEAKER_00Thank you guys. Bye. Bye.