Addiction, Fentanyl Loss, and Finding Recovery | Brenden Clark

Brenden Clark joins Never Alone Live for a powerful and honest conversation about addiction, fentanyl loss, relapse, recovery, mental health, and rebuilding a life that once felt impossible to repair.

Brenden shares his experiences with heroin addiction, incarceration, psych wards, homelessness, and losing people he loved to fentanyl. He opens up about the emotional struggle of never feeling comfortable in his own skin and how recovery, faith, structure, and vulnerability helped him find a new path forward.

This episode is a reminder that no matter how far someone has fallen, change is possible. Through honesty, connection, and recovery, Brenden found a way to rebuild his life one day at a time.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:08

Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, everyone to Never Alone Live. I am Johnny. With me, as always, is Krista the Sober Barbie. And today we are joined by who's turned in to be a really good friend, Brendan Clark. What's up, my brother? How are you living?

SPEAKER_04 0:29

How's it going, man? Good morning, guys. Good morning from the West Coast. Uh, it's I'm I'm living good, man. Uh, life's great today. I'm blessed. I appreciate the opportunity to come on this platform and speak.

SPEAKER_00 0:44

Well, we are excited to have you. And I'm excited, and you know, it's good. Krista goes, I don't know how everybody's screen looks, but Krista's in the middle of mine. And uh she's like the the go-between because you know, the trash talk, it gets deep, and you never know where you never know. Why you look, she's like the angry mom. She's the angry, she's the angry Volvo driving. She's the mediator.

SPEAKER_01 1:06

There we go. There we go.

SPEAKER_00 1:09

Uh with the hanger. I'm telling you, I was I've been so excited for this one. Uh, you know, and all the conversations we've had. You're just you're just such a good dude, so down to earth, and everything else. Uh, tell us uh tell us about yourself, brother.

SPEAKER_04 1:28

So my name is Brendan Clark. I'm 39 years old. I'll be 40 this year. Uh uh I'm from Warren, Ohio, a small city in Ohio. Um, it's about like 45 minutes southeast of Cleveland. I grew up in a in a good home, I'd say, uh, for the most part. My my parents weren't together. My I lived in like this apartment complex when I was younger. My mother lived at the top of the hill, and um there was a bottom part of the hill, and my dad had lived at the bottom part, and like, you know, I did have both parents in my life. Um uh I feel like I had a quite a regular childhood, you know. I I didn't really experience any like trauma or loss, I feel like, till later on in life. I um did okay in school, but I I did feel like the outcast, I felt like the loner. I've always had like social anxiety. I was even nervous to do this, you know. Um, so I I kind of kept to myself. Uh, you know, I I went through phases like trying to be got and like I did the, you know, there was a there was an MM phase where you know I was part of the Bleach Blonde, you know, crowd, the Bleach Blonde hair crowd, you know. Um what whatever it took to fit in, man, like my first drug of choice was like acceptance. It was, you know, the feeling of acceptance. That was like my first substance for me, man. Um, you know, to to be accepted and to felt to feel like he you like me, you know. So I I did graduate high school. My dad told me he said, if you ever do anything in life, graduate high school. And uh I did. I did end up in in this class, right? Called it was it was called SBH at the time, severely behavioral handicap. And that was just because I, you know, I would get into a a couple fights here and there. I was picked on, you know. Um I was kind of the weird kid, the outcast. Uh, but it was around high school where like I found my crowd, you know, and um it just it happened to be the the the burnout crowd who you know felt the same way I did, you know, but like we all accepted each other, you know. So I would sit with them at lunch every day, and they gave me this nickname, Luigi. It it's kind of stuck ever since. Um, a lot of people growing up, especially in my addiction, didn't even know me as Brendan. They knew me as Luigi, and I I kind of wanted to keep it that way. Um, kind of like I feel like now it's like just an old alter ego of mine almost, you know. Um, I even had uh D boys, dope boys, you know. They one time somebody had said my name and they were like, Who's Brendan? And it was like, I thought you were Luigi anyway, but um you know, be because I I didn't want to be Brendan. I felt like, you know, I got this cool nickname, you know, like don't call me Brendan anymore. It's you know, like in a way it was almost uh just I I just didn't want to be myself. I didn't want to be me. I never felt comfortable as me. Um so high school was cool. I did graduate. I um ended up going on the road selling magazines for a job, and it it didn't work out. Um I I could never really hold down like like a real job. I've I I feel like I had been on Social Security growing up for you know they said I had ADD, ADHD, and and depression and and all that. So they had put me on Social Security and I I lived off that, you know, most of my life. Um it was always a crutch for me, especially in my addiction. Um, you know, that social security check would be gone in three days, but you know, it was it was what I had, you know, it it rarely bought me my necessities, you know. Uh I started using and drinking around the age of 14. I'd say I tried weed for my first time, and uh I decided to to sneak some of my dad's liquor from from you know off the top of the refrigerator and see what that felt like. And you know, once again, I didn't feel like me, you know. I didn't feel like me, I felt like someone else that took me outside of myself, you know, and it was it was just like, oh man, I have arrived. This is me, you know. I I can talk to anybody, I I feel great, and uh and other people are doing it too, especially the older crowd. So this must be like what like maturing and adulting and growing up and it actually is, you know, partying, but it's it's not the case at all, you know. So I grew up in Ohio and never really left Ohio until later on in life. Um I I let's see, uh oh, when I was 18, I called a burglary charge. And um I got putting on probation for it. And a couple years later, I had gone to prison and did three years for that burglary. And uh my addiction hadn't got like into the harder drugs just yet. And I remember I remember actually seeing people in prison on heroin and and being like, I'll never do that. That looks crazy, you know. Why would I ever want to look like that? Like with a junkie, you know. And so I did my three years, came home and was living with my mom and uh and got a got a job at a uh sandwich factory, and you know, I was I was doing okay for a while, and I started linking back up, you know, with my old friends who were do doing a lot of uh uh uh dealing, mainly like marijuana, cocaine, and uh just for some reason I I was I I was always the middleman. People would hit me up, and then you know, I would just middleman it, and then it got to a point where I was dealing myself. And that's when I'd say, you know, after a few months of that, uh my son's mother at the time, uh, well, our son wasn't born just yet, but we had just got together and we were together for a few months, and she was telling me, she said, you should you should, you know, sell pain pills. That's that's where the money's at. And I was like, oh, really? You know, I never knew anything about opiates, pain pills, anything like that. Um, you know, I always looked at it as as you know one of the harder drugs. I I was like, you know, I I don't even know what it would do to me, you know, I I'm I'm okay. And then they started like selling quicker than anything that I had had, you know. I'm like, man, why do people like these so much? Popped one, and it was just you know, I fell in love. I fell in love with with that feeling, and then I realized why they sold so much quicker than anything else I had. Long story short, um Viking ES became uh HPs with and became you know per cassette tens, became per 30s, that became well heroin because you know the the 30s were fifty dollars a pill or like something crazy like that, and I wasn't paying that, but I was sick. I was sick, and you know, you tell me that there's something else that'll make me feel better, you know. I'm gonna be willing to try it. But I do remember being told, yeah, heroin will fix it, and I was like, I'd never, you know what? But it got to the point where I was like, I I am so desperate right now, I want to stop throwing up myself. I'm I'm let's go, let's do it. You know, so I'd say for about a year, I used it just snorting, you know, I was one of those people that were like, I'll never touch a needle. You know, all my all my friends were doing it, you know, but I'd never do that. That's some that's some junky stuff right there, you know. And within a year, I was definitely using it IV. So I was in and out of psych wards before I had uh before like uh medical detox actually really came to my area. I was in and out of the psych ward. I had been to two state psychiatric hospitals. Uh a doctor said I was clinically insane because I kept coming into these psych wards. I would do it every three weeks, twice twice a month sometimes. You know, I'm gonna I'm gonna unalive myself, you know what I'm saying? Because I knew that those were the magic words to get me into bed. You know, it was cold outside, my mom didn't want me there, you know. My my buddy's couch was you know getting old because I wasn't really welcome there anymore. You know, uh couch surfing just got hard, and I was just in this cycle of just these these psych words, but never willing to change. You know, I'd be getting released and I'd be like, I know exactly where I'm going as soon as I leave here. You know, I was past the physical withdrawal, but that mental obsession just would not leave me. I have I was not open to doing any spiritual work on myself. I just wanted to keep doing the same thing, and I was just kind of comfortable in the chaos. I was definitely comfortable in the chaos, and it was it was exciting for me, you know. It was the whole ritual, the whole lifestyle of it, you know, just just chasing the dragon, and um it was a thrill for me, but it was a full-time job. But and you know, I didn't like being sick. Uh, my kid's mom at the time, she had gotten into boosting, and we would go boosting. Mind you, I did three years for a burglary. I don't like what is boosting. What is boosting is stealing? She would go to stores, she would walk in Home Depot and tell she would tell one of the employees, hey, excuse me, I just bought this pressure washer. Can you load it up on this cart for me? And I swear to god, she would walk out of Home Depot, did it all the time, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:13

Um, with with we don't recommend that for anybody, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 13:17

No, not at all. But uh uh generators and like leaf blowers, crazy stuff, Dyson freaking sweepers, anyway. Um, so she was actually pregnant in in our addiction. Um 2013, she had our son. He's he's uh my actually let me let me back up a little bit. Let me back up a little bit. Um yeah, she was pregnant. We are in our addiction, and yeah, 2013. Uh she she had our son, and we were in the hospital, and our son was showing signs of uh of withdrawal. So they tested him, he had things in his system, so um he had to go to a uh NICU uh unit, and he he spent a couple weeks there. A family ended up taking custody, you know, of him. We were we were fortunate enough for our family to to be there and and help care for him because we couldn't, we were stuck in our addiction, and he was almost six months old. He was he was a little over five months old, and this was uh 2013. He had passed from from Sid's sudden infant death syndrome, and um yeah, that was that was pretty hard on us. Uh we were together at the time, but we were both kind of doing our our own separate things. Um she's she was one of my best friends. She later on, I'll just say now, she later on um took her own life, um, not this last December, but uh the December before that. I know I'm kind of jumping around a little bit, but uh, I had helped her come out here for treatment. She needed help. She had came out here and uh she had stayed here in California for a couple weeks. She was having some like health problems. She would tell me about um, but she she went back home and I talked to her every day. You know, I've known her since we were teenagers, you know. Her name was Brittany, and uh, you know, uh a couple weeks go by, we we talk all the time. And uh I remember she called me, she was like, Oh, I got 30 days sober. I'm like, oh my god, she because you know she AMA'd, she went home, but she was like determined to like stay sober. So uh a couple weeks go by, she's like, Oh, I have 30 days sober. You know, I'm like, oh my god, that's so awesome. And I got I I'm not sure what happened, but um, I don't know, maybe like three, four days later, I found out she uh she took her own life in her mother's garage, her mother found her. Um so yeah, and I had to deal with that sober. That was just a little over a year ago. Um, well a little over a year and a half ago now, something like that. Um and I still deal with that. I'm still not okay, you know, from that. But fortunately, today I I I have people that I can talk to, you know, and I have people that even like relate in some ways to to that. So like I definitely have support today. I didn't let that, you know, take me down into, you know, I mean it put me in a dark place, but I couldn't let it take me out, man. You know. Um, so and I've definitely been doing therapy like since then. You know, therapy is important, you know, uh men's mental health is is definitely important. I don't care if you know, I don't care about that all that masculinity stuff, like screw therapy. No, like men's mental health is definitely important. Um, and if you're struggling, man, talk to somebody, dude. Like, I I look at mental health, you know, I had already looked at mental health in a specific way, but like, you know, after that, I just it's it's just so much more serious to me, you know. Um, and even before that, one of my best friends uh a couple years back, he struggled with mental health issues. I know I'm kind of jumping around here, but yeah, one of my best friends struggled with mental health issues. And uh, long story short, the a SWAT team gunned him down because he he thought people were imposters and he had he had his family at gunpoint in his home and everything. Dealt with that sober, had to uh had to fly home and go to his funeral on my one-year clean, you know. So, anyway, back in Ohio, um in my addiction, son just passed. Uh I I finally found a medical detox and you know, with with comfort meds and and uh some some therapy. So I I found an actual like detox with you know substance abuse treatment in around uh 2013, you know, maybe 2014. And um I had been to meetings before and everything, but I I didn't utilize them, like I just kind of cared less for them. But it was then that I got introduced uh uh to the rooms of recovery, and you know, I was in and out for a while. Uh my first son, so I have three children, um three different women. Uh my first son, he's 18 now. Well, in in 2016, my mother helped uh take care of him because when he was uh when he was young, he was a baby, you know. The mother and I uh we weren't together, and um she just wasn't able to care for him. So my mom kind of took custody. Um, I had I went to prison around that time, also. That's when I did my three years. So anyway, 2016 rules around, and I'm about 90 days sober. I'm in a sober living house in Youngstown, Ohio. My mom was back from Florida with my son. My mom was so sick of my son and I's mother's actions and addictions, she decided to take my son and move to Florida for, I think it was like a year or so. And that came back around 2016. So in 2016, they were staying in uh the Youngstown Rescue Mission, uh homeless shelter in Ohio. And I was staying in sober living. Uh I would talk to his mother here and there. Um she was doing her own thing, and you know, I was in sober living doing doing my own thing, but you know, I I would always try to make sure she was okay. And I remember she had just got out of jail. She was like, Oh, I got 30 days, you know, or it was like 30 some odd days because uh because you know, she had done a little jail stint, and I was like, I was like, that's awesome, you know. And I said, but listen, like people are out here dying, so like stay sober, you know, don't get hot. She's like, no, no, I don't ever want to go back to that. And I want to say three days after that conversation, I got a phone call that she was found in a hotel room, and that was 2016. Um passed from fentanyl poisoning. Um, she decided to use a loan, and she had messaged me the day before that and said that her friend had passed you know from an overdose. And I was like, oh my god, you know, I'm I'm sorry. And she didn't reply, and then it was the next day I found out she had passed. So that was that was 2016. Um I had around 90 days sober at the time. Like I said, I was living in sober living. And um I was crushed. I'm like, how do I how do I tell my son this? And mind you, this this was almost 10 years ago. So I had this weird idea, you know. I I wanted I wanted to figure out like how I could do something about like fentanyl awareness, you know. And I had this weird idea to film myself telling my son that his mother had passed, you know. So I did. And uh he asked me how, and I said, from drugs. And I asked him, you know, he he was eight years old at the time, and I know he was young, but I asked him, I said, Do you mind if I post this, but this might help somebody, you know? And he okay it. I you know, uh so I posted it, and I had no idea that it would grow as big as it did, um, mainly because it was controversial. I didn't like really think of this at the time, but um, like this this point of view, but people said that I exploited them for publicity or or clicks or likes and stuff, and like that wasn't the case at all. Um but a lot of people seen it that needed to see it. And I started getting flooded with messages from people saying, hey, you know, my daughter seen that and she went to treat me. You know, I've had people message me and say, hey, I just got out of detox. I went straight in as soon as I watched that video. Some people tell me that they've they've shown it, you know, in groups at treatment centers and stuff. Um, like I said, it was real, it was real controversial. And um it grew really big and it did get a lot of support also with that hate. And uh, I think at the time, it kind of like created an ego almost a little bit too, you know, and and I uh I felt important. I'm like, people notice me now, you know, and I was still acting on those same behaviors and and patterns and stuff, you know, I wasn't using at the time, but like, you know, straight away from my program, I'm like, I got this, I got this, you know. Um decided I could move out of sober living, you know. Decided I could get in a uh a little apartment and and just you know let let whoever come over. You know, my buddies from the sober livings would come over and and uh play cards, but uh I had a friend at the time, I was helping her out. She had got kicked out of sober living. I'm like, yeah, just just don't get loaded. You can you can stay here for a bit, just don't get loaded. And she ended up getting loaded. Of course, I see it. I'm like, oh my god, you know, that looks great. And and threw about probably maybe I I think maybe six months out the window, and back into my addiction, I went, you know. Um, because I I still wasn't ready to change. I was still king baby, I was still, you know, main character, man. I was still I was still not willing to to to work on those character defects and and the things that that I knew were taking me out, you know. So I struggled for for years in and out of my addiction. And uh I went to Florida twice, I remember I had the opportunity to go to Florida, and I did this twice and left AMA, you know, every time um to come home because I wasn't ready. Um let's see. In 2021, I was I was strung out and I found out I I had a bone density deficiency because I broke my leg. I like it was like an almost fight. It wasn't even a fight. I like remember I was ducking what I thought was gonna be a punch and my my leg snapped. Long story short, went to the hospital, found out I have what's called osteopenia. It's the beginning stages of osteoporosis. I have to prevent it from turning into osteoporosis, like by taking calcium supplements, you know, vitamin D, uh, and all that. So I ended up losing like a portion of my leg. I'm really supposed to wear a brace. I don't have the left, I don't have the muscle in my leg to like lift my foot up. I can push down, but I can't like lift my foot up. Um but uh I'm defiant, so I kind of gave up the brace and and I I walk okay. I I walk pretty normal, I guess, um for the most part. But you know, that that was a struggle for a while because I I went to a nursing home. I decided it was time to get clean, you know, again. And I was in this nursing home and I was there for a couple months. And you know, uh recovering from this injury, I had also caught an infection uh in my leg while I was in there. I had to be on IV antibiotics. And uh came home from that and um went back to mom's, no structure, you know. Uh my mom always loved me, but but I feel like sometimes, you know, she she would love me, she would have loved me to death, you know. She did, she did show me hard love and and you know, tough love. And there there was there was times where she would not let me in her house at all. But uh yeah, back to my addiction. I went and I'm I'm crawling in her car with an external fit setter on my leg. I can't even bend my knee. I have this huge metal mechanism going from drilled into my in into my uh my what is this, your femur, my thigh bone going down to my shin. And um, I'm supposed to be in bed, and I'm I'm taking mom's car to go cop, you know, at 1 a.m. And people are like, you're driving around like this? You're not gonna stop me from getting that next one, you know. So I finally had the opportunity again to get clean, but this time to come to California. Um my story's kind of kind of weird, it's kind of crazy. Uh, insurance fraud saved my life. I had no idea what was going on, but a friend of mine from the area I'm from was here in California, and she she had messaged me and she said, Hey, my friend's doing policies. Do you want to come to California for treatment? And I only knew what two of those three things meant. I'm like, sure, run it. Yeah, heck yeah, let's go, right? So I got on the phone with some dude that uh I didn't know from Adam, gave him a whole bunch of personal sensitive information, and a week later I was on a plane uh uh going to treatment. And um so on the plane, right?

SPEAKER_03 30:02

I I told my sister myself, like alright, we're doing this again, what are we gonna do different this time? I'm gonna do this and this different.

SPEAKER_04 30:15

But um, but I started putting like the word I'm looking for, like stipulating license, and I'm like, alright, all right, well, if I'm gonna do this, freaking Danny Trejo or Anthony Keatis is gonna be my sponsor, it's gonna be somebody famous because I'm special and you know, I'm gonna, I'm gonna I'm gonna do this my way and still a lot uh still a lot of ways, you know. I was like, this is how I'm gonna do it, you know. I might even do some boxing or or go to a funny friendly sober living, some shit like that, you know. And I was still I was still closed-minded. I was still closed-minded to to the the the path of recovery. I still wanted to do things my way, my will, not God. So I got to treatment. Um few weeks in, you know, they said, Do you want to do you wanna go toward this sober living? I'm like, man, uh, I really only wanted to do like 30 days, but you know, I'll I'll go see what it's about. So I went and toured it, and while I was there, I was like, hey, you guys do like, are you guys like MAT friendly? You guys he was like, no, zero tolerance. I'm like, oh, okay, okay. So I went home and I slept on it, and I was like, This is this is what I need, you know, like screw going home because mom's couch, mom's couch was was never no good for me, you know. So I said, let me go to this zero tolerance structured environment. Let's let's test this out, let's see if I can do this. So I ended up going, started going to PHP and doing groups, doing therapy, and and I told myself I was gonna take this thing serious. Uh, I found my sponsor probably after detox, like my first week of going to meetings. I knew to talk to people, I knew to get phone numbers, so I told myself I'm gonna talk to at least two to five people, and I'm gonna get phone numbers. Get my name out there, get their names, you know, introduce myself, get myself out there in the rooms, and that's what I did. I would get phone numbers every meeting I went to. Um, I found my sponsor, and um coincidentally, his sponsor is is Danny, is Danny T. So Danny T's my my grand sponsor, so as is you know, it was still a win, you know. I've I've met him a few times. He's he's real cool, um, a real humble dude. Uh so yeah, that was cool, but I told myself, all right, dude, it's it's time to step out of my own way. It's time to like stop letting Brendan take the wheel and like just like let my hands go, let Jesus take the wheel, you know. So I started following suggestions when they told me to put my phone down in in the group or or keep my phone away in the meeting. I do that. I wanted to hear what you had to say. I shut, I shut up for a little bit because when I'm running my mouth, I can't hear what you have to say that might better my life. So, you know, with that repetitive pattern I had in and out of the rooms, I knew to just shut up this time. I used to be the guy, I used to be the guy in the NA meeting reading how it works, not even looking at the paper, and then my sponsors texting me, like, have some humility, bro. You know, so uh so uh yeah, did all the basics, man. Got the got the home group, got the sponsor, got the phone numbers, got the commitments, and I'd say I was uh a little uh a little after around 60 days coming up on 90 days sober. I I decided to get me a little BHT job, and I started working in treatment with a little over probably 60, almost 90 days, something like that. I I don't recommend it, you know. Um, but I I had had a lot of friends in that worked in treatment that said, hey Brendan, listen, I I know you want to work in treatment and all that, but just remember that uh you're not supposed to make it your recovery. So just make sure you don't make it your your own personal recovery. And I held on to that, you know. I I definitely I I held on to that because it was more than one person that told me that. It was there's quite a few people, you know. So I definitely stuck with that, and you know, besides working and and going to groups, I definitely went to meetings and and you know, I started my step work with my sponsor. So uh yeah, uh I want to say I moved out of sober living after around a year. I started renting a room and you know, I I I continued to work in treatment. Um I've I've worked at a couple of different tech jobs and you know started doing uh admission stuff and now I'm business development and uh outreach coordinator for monarch treatment centers and oral wellness. Uh the owners are in recovery. I I found my way working in this field and industry by only networking and talking to the right ones and the people working programs and doing the right thing. Uh, because there's um trash, you know, not a lot of trash, but um there's there's things that go go on in some places that you know aren't too ethical and you know I don't really agree with. So I definitely wanted to to keep my name and my face card in this industry and in this field just just clean and keep a good rapport with people. So I I stick with my recovery group and and you know, I I go to meetings with them uh whenever they share, you know, I show up to the meetings to hear them share. Um life's good, man. I I had to I had to honestly get get out of my own way. I I I had to. So after working in treatment for a while out here, I was able to finally pull down a job. I didn't have that sketchy insurance anymore. I didn't need it. I was able to stay sober. And after after working for a while, I was dedicated. I was so dedicated that you know, I I made sure I got to work. I I showed up, you know. I I wanted to make sure that like if I said something, I was gonna do it, that I keep my word. So I try to show up to anything I arrived to early. Um while working, I took the bus. I would walk, I would take the bus. I had a job in Bel Air that I would take the bus to it, would take me two hours to get to work. And then I was able to uh invest in a scooter, got me a scooter. I rode the bus, walked in a scooter for two years, and then finally I was able to get my license back. I got my license back, and uh I I drive a car today that I had on the vision board five years ago. You have like a fancy car, only because you have a fancy car. It's nothing special. It's it's a yeah, it's uh I got a little Camaro, a little 2020 Camaro, but um I I I always had this this thing, you know, years back for like white Camaros. I don't know, they were just always slick, you know. It's a basic model, it's not you know too fancy, but um I'm I'm grateful. I'm I'm super grateful. And you know, like I do get compliments on my car and stuff sometimes, and it feels good, but like I I definitely work for that, you know. I I definitely made sure I got on that bus or strapped my shoes up tight to get to that job. And none of this was possible. My my employment, my life today, my apartment, the relationships I have today are only because of God in a program of recovery. Uh I'm super spiritual. I try not to call myself religious because like I don't really believe in like organized religion and and I don't know, I'm weird, but uh I definitely do believe in God, a higher power, Jesus Christ, and they saved my life, man. God in recovery and my support group has has done a lot for me. Uh life's truly great today. I'm I'm super blessed. Uh, I have my connections back with my family again. Um you know, my my kids love talking to me, you know, years back. You know, they they didn't want to talk to me, they didn't want to see me, you know. So I'm I'm super blessed. And I get to help my mom out today, you know. I used to I used to scream. Remember the movie Basketball Diaries where he's where he's he's just pounding on the door begging his mom for freaking ten dollars? Like that was me before, man. Please, mom, I would show up uninvited, unannounced. Mom, I need $20. You know, now she gets to do it to me. I love it, you know. Um, it's great. Uh, let's see. So yeah, and after finding recovery and and you know, living this life, I decided to start an outreach company. Uh, it's called Time to Go Recovery Outreach. And what I like to do is uh, you know, I like to take donations and and like get food and water, Narcan. I've got all kinds of friends with Narcan, thank the good Lord. And uh we take these things out, we go get uh packs of water, electrolyte packets and stuff, because you know they're malnourised and dehydrated. We have uh another mission coming up here soon, um, probably in the next couple weeks, within the next couple weeks. I'm gonna be going back out to probably MacArthur Park to pass some things out again. Um, and and I'm inviting everybody, you know. I'm gonna drop uh the date, the time, and the location, and whoever wants to come, you know, you guys are more than welcome to to bring, you know, uh try to bring some water, just things to pass out. But uh, I do have a bunch of outreach supplies on the way that should be here today, and we're gonna have a bunch of stuff to pass out, so that's gonna be a great time, Brennan.

SPEAKER_00 41:28

Dude, first off, let me thank you for your vulnerability, you know, coming on here, sharing your story, and it's amazing, dude. And I appreciate you so much. I mean, I don't like that you cheated, you did cheat a little bit. I told him all the questions, I told him all my questions before we started, and he wrote them down. He's been talking about all my questions. I wrote one down, I wrote one down, and I could see him getting all pissed off over here. You see it, you see it. I mean, I'm telling you, me me he me and Luigi, we were about to go at it for a second.

SPEAKER_01 42:00

Um Mario with Luigi, you better watch out.

SPEAKER_00 42:04

Uh, it's a me Mario, but uh but but uh no, but this is this is uh this was so impactful and so powerful, and I want to kind of go back to the beginning uh because it's something that people I want when people watch this, right? You don't know who's watching it. It might be somebody early in recovery, it might be somebody who's thinking about recovery, it might be somebody who has no clue what recovery is. So, you know, we try to use this as a platform to be educational and your story, and especially in the beginning, it was uh the progressiveness, right? This is a progressive disease. And we start here with one thing, maybe a little weed, maybe a little drinking, and we make rules for ourselves. These moral philosophies that hey, I'm not an alcoholic if I'm not living under a under a bench, you know, whatever. And uh, and I'm not an addict if I don't do this, and then slowly but surely those moral philosophies turn and suddenly we're I'm not an addict because I'm not an IV user. Next thing you know, I'm an IV user making new rules, and I'm not I'm not that bad if I'm not as bad as Krista, you know, because nobody's that but but uh you know I would let's speak on this for a minute, you know, the the progressiveness of the disease. Where's Krista at? Krista, what talk Krista? Talk about the progressiveness.

SPEAKER_01 43:45

Um, I think there's a lot of nevers. You say, I'll never do this, I'll never do that, and the next thing you know, you're right there. And then it takes you getting in all that trouble or whatever, and then opening that big blue book or whatever color book you're reading, and you're like, Oh my gosh, I am that person. you finally feel understood in a way. So um but it it's wild because my I grew up on a resort island that it's okay to everyday drink. We're on vacation time all the time, you know, it's like the tropical resort vibe. And then next thing you know, I need it to function. I need it to do like I need a drink for everything. I made a TikTok yesterday and I was like I used to drink wine for breakfast. You know like um it just it becomes an everyday and every thing. And then your life is literally in shambles you know before you know it. And um it starts with and our story so much alike I had my first drink at 14 started getting into like and we're the same age and a lot of my the first part of your story was like to a T my story because I came from a great family and like that wasn't in the cards for me but it then it was it was the hand I was playing and I was about to lose all my money.

SPEAKER_00 45:01

So it's wild. And but you know and the progressiveness the progressiveness I mean it just it just grows and grows and grows but just like the progressiveness with our disease uh you know and and we can talk negative all day long but what about the progressiveness of our recovery nobody comes in and poof you're recovered. No it's a kind of it's a you know we go progressively down with our addiction and our isms but then we get to go progressively up. Now it doesn't start up here it starts down here and but let you know what let's talk about that let's focus on that Brendan tell me about your progressive recovery my progressive recovery so like I had said I was still closed minded I wasn't even still like all the way even open minded yet I feel like to doing the things suggested and that you know I would have to eventually do. So I was still closed minded and I you know I still I still wanted to do this this and this my way but you know I I'm I'm open to doing this right and then progressively I was saying that like maybe if I take these suggestions you know uh things do get better and like life life will keep going on you know it's only gonna better me you know it's all it's only gonna be for the better so why not you know so uh yeah it it progressively got better after working on myself and and realizing that I'm not performing this the the the the same habits and and and actions that that I was was prior say like you know a month or two prior to that you know I'm I'm learning to to really just reacclimate in in life itself what wash my dishes you know I spend so much time shooting dope that like I'm not I'm not doing daily day-to-day stuff so I have to I had to you know just sit take my time and and do the right things and and you know make make it get better for myself and that was only by stepping out of my own way so I started seeing progress after I noticed that I wasn't performing these old habits I'm getting up I'm making my bed and then I get complimented on making my bed hey thanks for making your bed today Brendan you know what I'm saying so that's where the progression came in where I was able to feel like oh I'm I'm doing okay I'm I'm doing a little bit better you know so uh and and and then when when I'm interviewed I got interviewed for my first job okay I I I really like this yeah I'd like to move forward with this there's some progression right there but it's it was staying in those moments though where I felt like I was completely stagnant nothing was gonna get better because my brain will tell me that things aren't going to get better things things are going to either stay the same or they might even get worse Brendan but I had to keep faith in God and and know that I have purpose and that there is a life worth living and I just have to stick around and I will see progress I knew I'd see progress I just knew I had to you know stick around for it and the progress came after taking suggestions and and and living away other another grown man is telling me to live because I was still you know I I I like to tell people dude I just became an adult freaking not even four years ago I just I just I just grew up like a few and that but and see the but and and that's that's humility that's the that's the saying oh shit I need somebody else to tell me how to live we're all plagued with a series of idiosyncrasies if you will where we've we've had these learned behaviors we know how to do it and it's these it's these bad habits that we grow accustomed to and we put the plug in the jug but that doesn't stop the bad habits and the selfishness and the self-centeredness and and first off being aware of all these things is the key but then seeing how other people do it without them oh my goodness it's a revelation you know uh holy cow you can get by the whole day without lying wow how do you do how do you do that why would you want to do that you know you know we have to see it in front of us see people living this life I mean it's uh you know it took it dude you want to talk about open-mindedness it took me 20 years being sober to eventually be open minded to religion and you know and now I've been baptized and uh Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior. But it took me 20 years being sober to do that to get there you know and um you know because we're always evolving that's why I really like this this discussion about progression because our recovery is always progressing as long as we stay green as long as we stay growing and and we keep water in that garden and go to the meetings and do the things and get comfortable in the uncomfortable and stay vulnerable and stay humble and all the things all at once you know and uh but Brendan boy you are you are a a great example of that kid I'm uh I'm so glad you came up here today I do I do want to take a few more minutes and talk about you know what recovering out loud means to you because you're recovering out loud and what social media means to you you you had you made you've made an impact on so many people's lives with your video that video didn't keep you sail sober didn't make you stay sober but it impacted people's lives still it reminds me of McLamore macklore wrote other side which got played up and down the west coast rehab and then he went and relapsed and you know then he put out starting over and if I can be an example of getting sober I can be an example of starting over these are these are amazing things you know so what does your your your social media mean and recover out loud mean especially after having that video that went so viral and has impacted so many people's lives one i uh obviously my my clean time isn't you know 10 years I had relapse after that video you know so it it shows that anything can happen um but you just gotta get back on that horse man uh I'm I'm open about all of it and recovering out loud for me is I I feel like I have to you know because I have so many friends one that I've lost that aren't here today I I I try to tell people that that there are people that deserve this life way more than me that aren't here today they're not here today and I see comments from people um on my posts here and there saying thank you hey I needed to see this today uh thank you for that and and it'll be a post like I thought about not even posting I almost actually that that video of my son and I I almost deleted it I almost deleted it because I was getting so much criticism from people and I had brought it up to a couple friends and they said don't you dare you know and you know I I feel like I I've gotten a lot more positive feedback than than negative but I encourage people to to to to recover out loud because there's always someone there's always someone stuck in a cycle inactive addiction and they're scrolling right they're high scrolling they might come up on your video or or like a post of yours you know and and it might help them so recover out loud I encourage it you we gotta keep what we have by giving it away right you gotta give it away to keep it you know and like we uh we uh we've been very fortunate we uh we partner with uh our boy Mike from sober has com we need to get we need to get yeah yeah we gotta get you a hat we need one of those you do have great hair though you have I'm telling you we he probably wouldn't wear it because we don't want to mess up the the the gel and the jealous again I wear I almost wore a hat for the interview okay it it took him three hours to get that thing ready today for this video at least he's not why why is look at you see the way she picks on me Brendan all I'm doing is what what our friends did not see was you picking on me before we pressed live so I had to come back okay Brennan Brendan didn't see that we didn't see no gotta have fun in recovery too okay always yeah hey if my friends aren't picking on me they're are they really friends you know right I'm telling you dude I'm from the south side of Chicago baby trash talk is my love language when I when right right right if I'm not trash talking then then then you then you gotta be concerned you know you should be worried yeah that's when they need the concern to come out but dude for real this has been so great and uh we put all of your links into the comments so we've got the links for uh time to go um we've got the links for your personal pages we even put a link in for soberhats.com thank you meg and megan's our producer in the background making this stuff happen for us um thank you but Brendan dude this has been so awesome and thank you again we're gonna have you on here again because yeah we do you know I feel I feel like you're an onion you got so many layers and stuff that you're doing and you know with beside besides you know just the you know you work in the treatment center um you work in uh for with time to go you're doing philanthrop philanthropic things you know you're out and going to MacArthur park and dropping off things for people that are using the homeless yada that dude it's that's awesome man and uh and God's got big plans for you kid I don't know what they are yet but they get but they're big yeah and you're involving your kids in it too like earlier my four year old goes mama remember we help people and I'm like it's you know it's clicking and um you're kind of helping the next generation in that way too you know yeah I brought my son with me um on on one of our missions to pass stuff out he wanted to come out he was like can I come out like absolutely yeah and no age is too young in today's world I don't think so because it's just that's evolving so fast and oh well there's there's I mean there's people out there his age damn near even yeah yeah no and by by involving our children in our recovery involving them this is how we'd go about breaking the generational curses of of the past you know um that's is this is how we do it my my kids know my recovery my kids know uh dad goes to meetings you know they uh they see they they see this on the tiki talkie brendan don't want to come and hang out with us on the tickie tock also can we shout out just justin in the comments because he's the one who introduced told me about Brendan yeah my boy Justin merch yeah my boy's gonna get him on here wait i'm telling you he's over in the comments right now throwing heat at me talking trash you know that's how I can't see the comments I'm on the hold on we're gonna get Justin up here uh we've had a bunch oh I can see oh I wasn't even on the Instagram uh the Instagram feed but yeah we're gonna get just well you know what maybe we'll get Justin on here when and we'll have you on here too you can ask him all the questions yes and maybe he'll maybe he'll he's gonna cheat and write down all the questions too you know I want to thank everybody for tuning in thank you for tuning in this week uh remember you're never alone never again um reach out reach out reach out before you uh before you make any bad decisions god loves you so do we and Brendan thank you again for coming out and sharing your story with us and uh I'm looking forward to a long relationship my brother