Rock Bottom Has a Trap Door | Ryan Patrick

What happens after rock bottom?

In this episode of Never Alone Live, Ryan Patrick from Rock Bottom with Ryan shares his incredible journey through alcoholism, relapse, trauma, loss, and ultimately finding lasting recovery.

Ryan opens up about drinking 25–30 glasses of wine a day, surviving alcohol withdrawal seizures, losing his sister to fentanyl, learning to surrender, and how hitting rock bottom became the foundation for rebuilding his life. He also shares why he started his podcast, how recovery changed his perspective, and the importance of finding purpose by helping others.

Whether you're struggling with addiction, supporting someone you love, or looking for hope, Ryan's story is proof that recovery is possible.

👇 Join our FREE weekly online recovery meeting:
https://neveralonerecovery.com/events/

Follow Ryan Patrick (Rock Bottom with Ryan):
YouTube: @RockBottomWithRyan

Transcript

SPEAKER_04 0:00

Letting me click it.

SPEAKER_01 0:09

Welcome, welcome, welcome everyone to Never Alone Live. I'm Johnny, of course, joined by Krista, the sober Barbie. And today we have a very special guest, Ryan, from uh Rock Bottom with Ryan. He's a another recovery podcaster. So this is awesome. So we've got this live podcast here that we do, and you're a podcaster, so we're kind of inner interweaving our uh our worlds, and uh, you know, let's uh you know what got you started on your podcast, dude.

SPEAKER_00 0:45

Uh well I was uh about six months sober uh at the time. I'm 21 months sober now as of a couple days ago, but I was listening to I was on a long road trip and was listening to another podcast that was talking about trauma and people that had gone through abuse and things like that. And uh this this podcaster was having people tell their story about how they overcame those things, and that their lives became a lot more positive afterwards, channeling something very negative and dark that could have crippled them into something positive. And I started to think to myself, I kind of want to do this when it comes to recovery. And I started doing a little research, and I noticed there were a lot of recovery podcasts out there here and there, but I I just thought maybe have something that really focuses on uh kind of the really focusing on the rock bottom and how you came out of that, how you built the foundation on that rock bottom and built from that and kind of make that the context of the show. And I started off just wanting to kind of maybe share my story and interview a few friends in the area, and it kind of progressed from there and started not only being about recovery, but also talking a lot about a different mental health topic like depression, anxiety, uh um overcoming trauma, whether it be sexual trauma, uh abuse from a significant other, things like that. So it started to kind of branch out and started to build on that. But we do talk a lot about recovery from all different addictions, even food addiction. Um, so there's a lot of different uh channels we like to cover on the podcast, but it's grown. I've I've done um one year mark will be July 15th, and I've done 169 episodes. I put out three a week now, and uh really, really, really committed to it and really committed to uh making ever you know every guest is has an individual story and it's always significant and it always I always gain something and learn something from it. And I feel like listeners out there, like we a lot of us like to say, is that if one person is affected or impacted or positively changed by it or um by one episode, I feel like we're making a difference. So I I love doing it though. And I was in the grocery store when I came up with the name Rock Bottom with Ryan. I don't know, I just thought it had a ring to it, so I went with it.

SPEAKER_01 3:16

Nice, dude. That's uh that's awesome. I mean, at six months sober, I could barely uh tie my own shoes, and uh, you know, you were thinking about helping others already, so that's tremendous. Um, you know, so so what do you uh and see we're gonna get to your story, but I wanna I wanna kind of focus on this for a few minutes. Um what uh who's been your your and I don't want to say favorite because that's uh that's crazy, but you've done so many podcasts. Who's been your favorite guest? Who have you who have you gotten the most out of? You better say me. I feel inclined to say Krista right away.

SPEAKER_00 3:54

Oh anybody but you can't you can't say Christa. No, all right. If I have to had a lot of really good people, yeah, I've had a lot of great guests. I mean, I you know, a lot of people would think like having guests, you know, there's different guests with different followings, you know, and I've been trying to get uh different people on the show. I think uh trying to get uh some people like Mike the Situation and stuff like that on the show and uh all these goals. But like I feel like every guest has I know it sounds cliche, every guest has made a difference and shared something different. But if there's one that stands out, I'd say uh I was surprised when I had Kevin Lanning on the show. I was surprised to hear a lot of what he had to say. He has a great podcast, and I really look up to him. So his story was really fascinating to me. Uh, just knowing where he's at now and then seeing where he was uh not long ago. So that story really uh shocked me quite a bit. But there was uh a story, I think uh keep it an uh I don't know if I was supposed to keep it anonymous, but uh story. I think it was like episode 33 or 34. Um a girl had a really, really intense uh actually Kenneth. Kenneth was recently on the show. He might be watching right now. Kenneth, he and I could relate so much on the trauma we went through at the same age. That one really struck me quite a bit, and I've had him on twice now. Um I think in the episode 30 something, and then on a recent episode, if anybody wants to check it out, he went through a lot of the same traumas and abuse and alienation that I had gone through as a kid, and he and I just really hit it off really well. So that one always stuck with me because he's a a little bit older than me, and he's just thriving and has this positive attitude towards everything, and he has less sober time than me and is and is like thriving more than I was after a year of sobriety, and it's just inspiring to me when I heard his story. It really just like stands out to me in a lot of ways because it it was like looking at myself uh years from now and how I want to be, and how I want to be, because I still struggle a little bit in recovery, as we all know. It's 21 months, it's not 21 years, so I still have a lot of raw emotion, a lot of raw things still standing out in my brain that I haven't completely fixed or worked on yet or processed. Uh in 21 months, I'm just taking it piece by piece, day by day, and that story always kind of stands out to me. But uh every story makes has made a difference and it's been unique.

SPEAKER_01 6:42

So they really do, man. And I mean, we've been doing this for a little over a year as well, and we've had we only do one a week, but we've done 60 plus, and um, you know, each person we interview brings something else to the table, you know. We had uh faith-based recovery month last month, so it was all Christians and and Christians with huge followings and recovery stories, and and it's it was just so wild. And we had a a month all about Matt, you know, and you know, people sharing their experience, strength, and hope about you know, medically assisted treatment. And it's it dude, it's wild, wild. You never know what you're gonna get into when you especially the way we do this here with live, you because we're live right now, you don't know what's gonna be said and what's gonna be done. And um, Krista, who's your favorite interview we've done? I know who mine is. I'm and we're not supposed to have favorites, but I have one that was a favorite. Oh, Erica Davenport. Oh my goodness, we interviewed her, she's in the comments right now.

SPEAKER_04 7:48

Oh, this is a hard question.

SPEAKER_01 7:52

Erica was one of our very first interviews. But who I know who I uh I uh my favorite, and I'll say it uh was Judy. Judy, uh Judy was from area, she not area, but she partied at Studio 54 back in the 80s and was telling us stories about that. And oh my goodness, dude, and that was live, and you don't know what people are gonna say, and it was so awesome, you know. Okay, we're gonna be able to do that.

SPEAKER_04 8:24

I think that it's a really cool experience when you get to interview your best friend. So I'm gonna say Brandy Harris.

SPEAKER_00 8:33

That's pretty cool.

SPEAKER_04 8:34

I mean, it's fun. You you have your your good friend on here, and it's um you get to experience this with your with your buddies, but I can relate a lot with how you said who your favorite person you've interviewed is someone that you can you kind of strive to be. And I got to experience that this weekend. I got to fly to Kentucky and and speak at a revival, a recovery, like revival. And um, there's a woman, April, and she spoke, and I kept telling her, I want to be you when I grow up, and we're the same age. But um, I like just the way she spoke, and just yeah, I can I can relate a lot to it.

SPEAKER_00 9:14

And um I think yeah, that's cool. When people exude positivity and they've been sober so many years, it just gives you so much hope that you're gonna continue to be happy and continue to be positive, and that there's no like this, you know, the pink cloud effect that people talk about. It just some maybe it doesn't end sometimes because I feel great now, and I think I'll feel great next year, too.

SPEAKER_04 9:36

So I don't think it ends, and my favorite color is pink. I've I think I've been on a pink cloud for a decade, so I can't tell that's your favorite color.

SPEAKER_00 9:43

Wow, behind you.

SPEAKER_01 9:45

We have uh we've got some new people in here in the comments right now, and I'm gonna do some quick shout-outs to Alexa, who is new, 20 days sober. Alexa, keep going. We're so proud of you, Amy. First time here, always looking for sober encouragement, even at two years sober. Thanks for what you do. Well, thank you for what you do, Amy. And then Laney, Laney Southwick. I've been in recovery for seven years and fell pretty hard three days ago. I'm not doing so hot. Laney, we're so glad you're here. Um, the you know, the my favorite, my favorite recovery song is Starting Over by Macklemore. And he says that if I can be an example of getting sober, then I can be an example of starting over. So, Laney, you stay strong because the story that you had for seven years, that's nothing compared to the story that you're gonna have over the next few days. And I am so proud of you that you are here. We've got a bunch of friends from the Tiki Talkie, and today we are gonna be giving out so Ryan interviewed our friend Mike from soberhats.com. And Mike is uh Mike was so excited that you're gonna be on here today. He said that we can give uh two free hats away today. So, today in this uh live broadcast, we're gonna be giving away two free hats. So, everybody in the comments, stick around and uh invite your friends who are looking for sober hats because we're gonna be giving away two free ones. Uh, I don't know how yet. We're gonna have a fun contest, but we're gonna figure it out. Hazel, welcome in. Hazel and Tiffany. Tiffany was here, our very first broadcast, and was here forever. And and she's she's back, she's our favorite Canadian. Uh, so Ryan, you know, thank you for telling us about your podcast. You know, I really wanted to start with that. Um, you know, but uh let's talk about you. How did what was your rock bottom?

SPEAKER_00 11:53

My rock bottom, I had I kept digging. Uh and I had about I think rock bottom has a trapdoor, and I mean I pretty much wanted to stop drinking, knew I had a problem when I was about 22 is when I started to really notice that it was taking over my life. So I spent a lot of time trying to quit or moderate it after that. But of course, at that age, it's pretty easy to lie to yourself and say, I'm not an alcoholic, I just party too hard or whatever. But going into my 30s, when it gets to the point where I'm starting to wake up with those withdrawal symptoms and starting to drink every morning and starting to do it just to function as opposed to having fun anymore, that's where I was really trying to quit. And then I went through a rough divorce and kind of got it under control, but then ended up uh going back to partying and quit my day job and uh wanted to teach myself how to uh trade stocks full-time, and you know that results kind of like everybody during COVID was stuck at home and uh working remotely. A lot of people turned into alcoholics, kind of the same thing I did to myself, where I stayed home and I just started drinking and drinking and drinking up to 25 to 30 glasses of wine a day because I thought going from whiskey to wine was a healthy uh transition. It was actually worse for me because I could handle a lot more wine than whiskey. So I drank that, and then one day I tried to uh in the middle of the night, I told myself, I'm gonna go on a run and quit drinking because I've had enough of this for the last time. Because I was just got out of the hospital after suffering uh like a seizure-related alcohol. I was sending these suicidal ideation texts out to people, and somebody made a wellness call and said, Go check on my friend. And I ended up in the hospital for a week. I got out and continued drinking after that. Took the the benzos that they give you, I took them uh all at once or all over the course of like a day instead of spreading it out over seven days because I couldn't handle the withdrawals. Started drinking again, and then one night I decided, okay, I really have to quit now. And I went on this jog in the middle of the night, and which sounds kind of embarrassing when I tell the story, but went on a jog thinking, hey, what better way to start your sobriety than go on a run? Right, and uh went on a run, ended up uh, I think my higher power or something nudged me because I fell down some really steep concrete stairs and busted my whole face up and body up and cracked ribs. Uh my eye was hanging out of its socket. I was, I'm still a little blind in my right eye, and uh lost my front teeth, cracked my lip open, all these injuries, and spent a week in the hospital. I was airlifted to a bigger hospital because the hospital in the town I was in was too small, and spent a week in the hospital and told myself, I'm gonna start going to meetings. And I went to meetings for the second time ever. The first time I'd gone to a meeting was uh about eight years prior, only to appease my um now ex-wife, and uh just I went to the meeting intoxicated, but I just didn't want to lie about going to a meeting, so I'd gone. So this time around, started going to meetings, went for 90 days, actually started to see the light. But at 90 days, I told myself I got this figured out, obviously, because I went 90 days sober, which is three times my record before that, since I turned 19. So I just told myself I don't need the meetings anymore. And two weeks later, I picked up again and drank non-stop for two months until one day I woke up and was taking a shower, had a seizure in the shower, and freaked out, obviously, and woke up kind of disoriented, and uh had somebody take me to the hospital and went into the hospital. And this lady who knew me since childhood, uh, who worked at the hospital, she was also a nun that read the death rights to people before they passed away. She recognized my name on the on the computer at the hospital and recognized me after 30 years since she knew me in like the third grade or something. And uh she came and prayed for me every day, and I'm not as the most spiritual person naturally, but something just clicked in me that day, and I'm like, all right, I've done this enough. I've tried to quit, I've tried to quit uh 30, 40 times. Uh, I tried to quit. I saw I did it for 90 days recently. I know I can do it, so I was like, I maybe I do need to go to this thing they call rehab. So I decided, all right, I got on my phone and uh talked to a couple of family members, and we worked on getting me into treatment. And I went in um willingly but apprehensively, if you know what I mean, where it's like I'm going because I know it's what I have to do, but I don't want to be there. I don't want to go without my phone, I don't want to go without friends and what I'm used to. But uh my having my freedom obviously wasn't working, so um went in there and then I would say it took about 10 days to really embrace it, but something about that 10th day just hit me differently, and I started to process some of the pain I was in. I lost my little sister to a fentanyl overdose a few years ago, and I think I was just pushing that off to the side because she was she and I were extremely close, and she was only 27 when she passed, and I was having trouble really acknowledging that. I never cried about it, I never let my emotions out, I just kept pushing forward and pretending you know everything was fine. And I think in that 10 days, I was able to write a letter, a goodbye letter to her, and something clicked where I'm like, okay, I've had enough rock bottoms, I want this, I want the sobriety. And then after day 10, I just took rehab so seriously that new people coming into rehab thought I worked there. That's how like embraced I was in it. They're like, Oh, yeah, we thought you worked here the whole time. I'm like, No, I am one of the people, you know, I'm one of the patients here, and um yeah, so as you can tell, just a lot of different variations of rock bottom. I mean, there's times where I lost everything, I gambled away a ton of money. That was part of the problem for a while. I did all the things, lost relationships, severed relationships. But the real rock bottom was just the combination of seeing that light for 90 days and then throwing it all away just like that, thinking I knew everything. It was a huge shot to my ego or whatever you want to call it. It was very humbling experience knowing that I really needed the help, but I surrendered. So in order to get out of rock bottom, I had to surrender.

SPEAKER_01 18:59

So that's and that's amazing, dude. You know, admitting powerlessness, that's the key, you know. And you know, I'm I'm grateful that you uh that you hit that rock bottom. You know, it's funny because when I mean most people, you know, aren't they can't say, Oh, I'm so grateful you're doing shitty. You know, I'm grateful that you found that rock bottom so that you eventually found where you're at today. Uh, let's give away a hat. Let's give away a hat. I got an idea. So oh gosh, he's got an idea. I know. Um, so in the comments is uh Jolene. Everybody can see Jolene's name in the comments. If you scroll around, you'll see Jolene's name. Uh, the third person to send Jolene a message that says, uh, Ryan is better looking than Johnny. The third person that sends a message to Jolene that says Ryan is better looking than Johnny will get a free hat. And Jolene will be able to tell us uh immediately who the third person is that that says that Ryan is better looking than Johnny.

SPEAKER_04 20:06

You have to send her a message. Follow directions.

SPEAKER_00 20:09

That's styled my hair well enough.

SPEAKER_01 20:15

She did not know about this game. These uh these fun games that I come up with her to work. They generally they generally come up uh uh at on the fly. And that's the best thing about this is that we're live and you never know what's gonna happen.

SPEAKER_04 20:31

So the third while they're while they're doing that, can I comment on what Ryan just shared?

SPEAKER_01 20:38

Of course, please do.

SPEAKER_04 20:40

So I'm so so incredibly sorry about your sister. That's absolutely heartbreaking, and I can relate a lot with that grief that you didn't you couldn't even cry. Like, oh, it's gonna make me cry right now because now I'm a crybaby. But um I lost my fiance nine years ago, and um it was early in recovery, and I like just barely hung on and I couldn't cry. I didn't want to face it. I I don't think I think I white knuckled it for a little bit. I did. I was sober, but um, and I had worked my steps, but I just didn't want to lose that and I hung on so hard. And then when I was in recovery too in treatment, I they thought I worked there too because I loved it so much. So much.

SPEAKER_02 21:28

Yep.

SPEAKER_04 21:28

And we went and we went to um Founders Day a few weeks ago in Akron, the 91st birthday of AA. And everywhere we went, they thought Johnny worked everywhere we went.

SPEAKER_00 21:40

Yes. I mean some of us like and it's usually the last people you'd expect to embrace it so much. And it's like once once that clicks in your head, you're like you start to see your own potential, you get comfortable in your own skin, and it's everything we needed the whole time.

SPEAKER_04 21:55

Yeah, yeah, but grief's a huge, um, a huge Part of people staying in addiction or not even like moving on, it like pauses life, even though life's going on around you. You kind of stay stuck for a little bit, but in their honor, in their legacy, we gotta keep moving forward, you know.

SPEAKER_00 22:16

What's interesting about it is like I kept moving forward, and I was I had this what I called controlled drinking, which which would still uh turned out to be six to eight drinks a day, but I counted those six to eight drinks and stopped there. But that's still an alcoholic by definition by for a lot of people, everybody pretty much. And that was my controlled way drinking, and I kept just pushing, working nonstop and working out nonstop. So I had certain things together on the outside, but on the inside I was still struggling.

SPEAKER_04 22:46

So and then you're you're like a prison of those numbers of counting them drinks. Yeah, like yeah, you're like, I only get I know people that carry breathalysers around.

SPEAKER_00 22:56

I had two of those, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 22:58

I have two of them to make sure you weren't going over. Oh, I can maybe fit one more drink in without going over that number.

SPEAKER_00 23:04

Yeah, exactly. I was like that too. So OCD and all that stuff was just at a high, and yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:14

We got a winner. We have the uh the winner for the first hat, the third person to send Jolene a message, and the winner of a sober period hat. And it you can have it's it's a say sober period, it's a clean period, it can be an ally hat. He's got all sorts of different hats. Um and uh but the the winner is Rich Vasquez. Rich Vasquez, thank you for being here. Thank you for listening, and I'm and congratulations on winning your hat. I hope you rock it proud. Um, you know, we are uh very proud about our recovery around here, and sober hats is uh, you know, I rock this all the time because I recover out loud, and we recover out loud because people are dying inside, and we can uh you never know who is going to be what voice is you're gonna hear that can that can change your life. And Ryan, my brother here from Rock Bottom with Ryan podcast, which everybody should be going and listening to. Uh, you know, you're helping people all the time, you know, and uh, you know, and we're in the same boat, right? You know, this is Krista and I come and we do this, and um we do our the TikTok every morning, and and you know, it's like people ask me why do you do this day in and day out? You know, we get to see people's lives change in real time, man. It's so awesome, it's so profound.

SPEAKER_00 24:44

The transformations are so fun to watch.

SPEAKER_01 24:46

Yeah, and uh, and you know, getting to see these in in in real time is so amazing. So, all right, back to back to questions. Rich, you won our first hat, and we'll be giving away another hat here shortly. Krista's gonna come up with a fun game for it, and uh look at you love when I uh when she gets that surprise face, you never know what's gonna happen. Um, all right, so Ryan, you've got coming up on 21 months. Uh, what has been the hardest thing about the recovery in the past 21 months?

SPEAKER_00 25:22

Past 21 months, I guess it's dealing with conflict, I think, has been a little different. That's the only time I've been overwhelmed, is when I've received like you know, doing the podcast is it's fun, it's a good way for me to process my thoughts and emotions and and get my my version of recovery out there and hear other stories and stuff. But on the outside of the podcast, you know, there's a lot of relationships that that were severed during my addiction and stuff, like uh relationship with my father has always been kind of up and down throughout my life, and it's been hard to kind of set proper boundaries to maintain that relationship, but also keep certain things at a distance and uh keep that healthy. So that's been tough. And um, you know, even if he's watching right now, he would understand because he's been a part of it too, and he knows what it's like. But it's been hard to just set those proper boundaries with people that you obviously take very seriously, like a parent, and you don't want to hurt them and you want to do all the right things in recovery, but you still have those character defects that come out every now and again, and it's hard to hide it and hard to mask those now because we're uh we're sober, we're inclined to be more authentic, and sometimes you know that attitude still comes out or that defensiveness still comes out, and that's been something I've had to kind of regulate lately. And even uh I was recently kind of uh you know, just uh a friend kind of uh and I had kind of a feud, and it was kind of hard to get over that, and so just dealing with conflict, I think, is different when you can't just pick up a bottle and numb it and forget about it. And uh you actually have to go about things in the healthiest way possible. You actually have to process them, communicate. You can't just and I'm I'm an introvert at heart, which is weird coming from a podcaster, probably. But at heart, you know, I do like to isolate, I do like to just keep my thoughts to myself. And uh it's it's hard sometimes to be able to communicate how you feel and do your thing and not run and stuff my face in the sand like an ostrich and just hide. But uh that's been the tough one, is just you know, dealing with conflict communication and all that has been a few that's been the only times where I've had anxiety and recovery have been when the conflicting situations come up. But like most other things, like daily things that happen, I can brush them off pretty well. If somebody's in a bad mood or is criticizes me or something, I I usually can brush it off, but there's been a few situations where it's like made my heart thud out of my chest and been like, oh my gosh, right now is like one of those moments where I gotta fight or flight. So that's usually the issue.

SPEAKER_01 28:10

Well, I mean, it's hard, you know. The getting sober and staying sober, it's hard. We actually had a big discussion about that, you know, recently. What's harder? Getting sober or staying sober. And getting sober, anybody can put the plug in the jug, but then life happens. And you know, how are you gonna manage life when it happens? And we talked about this recently, you know, that you know, we took it's a progressive disease. Life continuously went down, down, down with until we hit rock bottom. And then the progression, you don't start out on top. Oh, look, I knocked my hat off. You don't start out on top, we progressively go up, and that's through our program, through communication, through the steps, through learning about ourselves. We got to relearn ourselves, you know, and uh, and that is that's that's a critical part, you know. Most people don't they slip because they don't want to do that self-assessment, they don't want to look under the hood, you know. Nobody really does. Um, and when we do this, right, we do this uh this these podcasts, these live streams, all the stuff we're doing, that's it's all like looking under the hood um publicly, if you will. Um, and it's uh and it's amazing. Uh the vulnerability that we see, right? You know, it's uh it's out of this world. I think that's one of my favorite parts is seeing people's vulnerability and you know, seeing people's uh humility and in life, and and and then people see that and it's contagious. It's like, okay, this guy is being honest with you know all of Facebook and YouTube and the ticky-talkie and whatever. Maybe I can be honest about what's really going on with me, and and that and that's amazing. That's amazing. Yeah, so what is the what does the future look like for Ryan and Rock Bottom with Ryan? Tell me about your you you get a teammate and you've got all sorts of different stuff going.

SPEAKER_00 30:15

Uh yeah, I've got uh the podcast, I'm just gonna continue doing it uh three episodes a week, just uh putting out content as much as I can on social media and all that, and given my perspective on recovery, and sometimes I go daily updates on what I'm going through or what the word of the day in my head is. Like the other day, it was consistency. That's huge in recovery, is consistency. Uh, yesterday I think I did uh reacting to things on impulse, which I think is a big thing in recovery, is uh we we can't have those impulse reactions that we used to have when we were drinking because I used, you know, we used to be snappy or defensive, and now we can actually have the power to like pause and do things. So each day, my goal is to just improve a little each day. Like, I don't have some end goal for the podcast, I don't need it to be world-famous Bar Duel Sports or Joe Rogan or anything like that. That's not the goal. It's the goal is like just to continue being consistent with it and getting new stories on, um, innovating and just kind of allowing the podcast to be a platform for anybody to come on. Like, even if anybody thinks they had you know a life that didn't include trauma and didn't include a huge rock bottom that they had to crawl out of, like every story still matters. Everybody went through their own uh their own battles. Like I had somebody on recently who just had parents who were narcissists. I found that really fascinating. Just having not being a narcissist yourself, not being married to a narcissist, but growing up with narcissism and like stuff like that. So I just want the podcast to continue being a platform for that, and um also going into other kind of lines of business, uh wanting uh you know, recovery-related companies uh um obviously be a part of the show, kind of have little partnerships with them is a big deal to me. Um, that way we can help uh you know people recognize other rehab centers, sober houses, brands, all that kind of stuff. So just kind of working together. I've made a lot of great friendships in this community so far. Just I never even used social media before this podcast, uh, never had anything to do with it. And now I'm all about it. So I'm kind of a hypocrite for a guy who used to talk bad about social media and say it was a waste of time, but now I love it. I love the people I've met through it. I mean, I've met you guys uh just a few times now, and I feel like I could reach out to you any time of day, and um you know, just for support or just to plan out another podcast or whatever. So I just uh my goal is just to keep staying sober, but not just sober and white knuckling it, like Krista said. I just want to like keep growing, keep improving the person I am, make sure that tomorrow, whatever I can improve on, you know, I leave that in the past, but build on it and uh just not look in the rearview mirror too much. So my goals are pretty broad. I want to keep growing as a person though, and uh in my career. But this podcast, I think, is a big part of that career, so and life.

SPEAKER_04 33:30

So I am trying to get him to come on TikTok live in the morning. Yeah, we're gonna that we're gonna make that.

SPEAKER_00 33:37

I do want to. I do want to. You have to need yeah. Do you want me to join the live or watch the live or just uh come in it, join it.

SPEAKER_04 33:44

We open the boxes, we get tons of people. We're playing a fun game every morning right now, and um, you'll meet a lot of people, a lot of people, but I love how you said um some people like don't think their story is worthy or good enough. And I remember being in rehab, I came from a very like good family, you know. I didn't have trauma, I did have a rock bottom, but I didn't have like some of the trauma that I was hearing in the rooms, and I'm like, what it what am I gonna ever gonna be able to share? You know, and um but as you dig deeper in long-term recovery, you find out there is a lot, there's a lot more to share. And um, I love that you you you see that in people that there is something to share, and everyone's story is worth something. Yeah, that's beautiful.

SPEAKER_01 34:36

Thank you. I really like what you said about your network and how you know we can reach out to one another now after this. And I mean, our network has just ballooned since uh since doing all this stuff, you know. Uh we had the uh the sober girls group chat, which was a very interesting podcast because it was me and was it 10 women, and it was uh it was a little off-putting, but it was so good. And these women have become a part of uh of everything we do with uh with the other podcast, Never Alone, never again, that we're doing. And they they're on here all the time, and we put out all sorts of different content that they that they add to. And now that you've been uh interviewed on here, you're gonna be in their content as well.

SPEAKER_00 35:28

It's gonna be it's well that's how I connected with Ryan, his partner in the podcast, Rachel, saw us with them and reached out to me and got me on their podcast and like Yep, it's a network, everybody's connected somehow in some way. I love it.

SPEAKER_01 35:47

And and you really never know who is going to save your life. You never know, you know. Yeah, we uh we did an interview yesterday with uh and I and I probably shouldn't talk about it, but it's for our other podcast, Never Alone, Never Again, and that's uh we did it with Ben Lerner, and we actually uh it's and I shouldn't talk about this, but I'm so excited because we played one of his songs, and and it's my favorite song, and actually got he talked about the song, and it's uh it's it was so awesome, and it's uh to actually hear what an artist thinks about the music that they've created. I mean, we have our ideas and thoughts because we get to listen to it and it's beautiful and it speaks to us, but to hear what the artist was thinking and when it happened, I mean this is this is uh this is these are the blessings that I get today. Um, you know, and it's so awesome, you know. This this podcast stuff is so fun, and uh and we get to have fun with it, and we get to give away free hats, and I love giving away free hats, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 36:54

And as you guys know, like podcasting's a lot behind the scenes too, you know, finding the right guests and the editing that's involved and posting it to all the and you do three a week. Yeah, I yeah, I became a workhorse for some reason, but I just love it and I want different stories out all the time. And I I wasn't gonna do that at first, I was just gonna do like one a week, but I got so excited to hear different stories that I was like, I started compiling too many stories. I'm like, this will take like I already have a year's worth if I do it a week at a time. So I'm like, I want to just put out one per week. And I think every episode is a quality episode. I just that's my opinion. Uh, even if it gets five views or five thousand, I feel like it's all quality stuff just because it's somebody's authentic story, somebody's being vulnerable to me, a complete stranger, and talking about it on my podcast, I feel like it's special.

SPEAKER_01 37:47

So it really is. Uh, but it can be, it's a lot, you know, especially when you're when you're talking about trauma. And you know, I am uh I'm uh I'm an I I guess I I can say I'm an empath, good as, but when I hear this trauma stuff, and you know, if I hear, you know, someone's been bad to women, you know, I I just I get angry and I and all of a sudden I'm bringing it in. And it's hard to to not make it personal and to just be there and not get it's it's it's that's I think the hardest part of this job. Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 38:24

It does get that way. I mean, I've caught myself uh checking on uh past guests, you know, fairly often. It's just I'm kind of an empath person, empathetic person, anyways. So I catch myself being like, Are you doing okay? I know you're only this sober. I saw your post on social media, you know, and I'm just kind of like, Oh, I'm a stranger, I should probably just back off, you know. But at the same time, maybe it's good to have that support.

SPEAKER_01 38:47

So yeah, and it absolutely is. And uh Krista, Krista's a a big empath, she uh she connects one-on-one with a lot of the people in our group and our network. She's she's basically the the network we have on TikTok is uh it's everybody, it's just the Silver Barbies network, and uh she uh she is a huge voice in that community, and uh and once you get that voice, it's something that you have to take seriously.

SPEAKER_00 39:18

Yeah, exactly, exactly.

SPEAKER_04 39:22

I need an assistant at this point.

SPEAKER_00 39:27

Me too.

SPEAKER_01 39:28

Me too. So I think it's time to give out uh another hat. Crystal, what do you got in mind? I got an idea.

SPEAKER_04 39:36

Oh, look at you're gonna have to go to Rock Bottom Ryan's Instagram. You guys gotta find him, and you have to follow him too. I'm gonna confirm. But what is it's in his bio. He has an he has um apparel, shirts and stuff. What is the name of his uh apparel company? Put it in the comments.

SPEAKER_01 40:03

First one. The first person that can tell us uh Ryan's the name of Ryan's apparel company gets a free sober hat. We'll be watching the the comments.

SPEAKER_04 40:15

We have to follow him too.

SPEAKER_00 40:20

I appreciate you all for following and for watching this too. So it's a lot.

SPEAKER_01 40:26

You know, the the I'm telling you, the the network that's grown in this uh this the recovery community as a whole, you know, has is been so so crazy, you know. And the do we have an answer yet? No, we keep putting more uh comments in there. Um so what is and I and I have and I can I can speak Carly got it.

SPEAKER_03 40:52

Carly got it.

SPEAKER_01 40:55

Carly, congratulations on strong apparel.

SPEAKER_00 41:00

Shout out to Chris. I was just talking to him earlier. He's a great guy, he's the one who started the company officially, so it's uh highly recommend the brand as well. If you do go order anything, use code rock bottom, all capital letters. So you get 15% off. Yes, nice.

SPEAKER_01 41:20

So okay, what is the biggest gift that you've gotten since doing all this podcast and recover out loud and all the stuff? And uh, and the reason I I have an answer in mind, so I could ask I could ask the question gift, like as uh just gift uh like reward in general.

SPEAKER_00 41:43

Uh I would say uh in sobriety and recovery as a whole, a couple of the friendships I've made have been life-changing. Like uh I was telling you guys before we started recording that I have a a friend who's 90 years old who I pick up every single day for our AA meeting, and we ride there together, we talk about the day, we just kind of he's got nothing but wisdom, and that relationship means the world to me. He's like the a grandfather to me, and he treats me kind of like his grandson, sort of, and it's just cool to have that relationship with somebody who's more than twice my age, and um, that's a huge reward in just recovery in general because I don't even think you know, during my drinking days, I was always got along with everybody and had a different array of friends, but I just think my heart is in such a good place now, and it's open to everybody. And he and I created such a good bond that it's meant a lot to me. And he did an episode with me, I think episode two, one of my first episodes I ever did. Um, his name's Mike, and uh he's from Minnesota, just the nicest man ever. So that's been a big reward in just my recovery and the other people I've met through the meetings and through here. Um, as far as podcasting goes, definitely the biggest reward is me opening up. I'm a very private person, a very hard rock solid person, hard shell to break. And hearing other people's stories as time went on, hearing their stories got me to open up. I never thought I would open up about sexual trauma I experienced when I was younger and stuff. I was never gonna, I was taking that to the grave, and somebody came on, opened up about theirs. I'm like, they're doing this on my show. I there's not fair that for me or not okay for me to not be willing to open up. And it just a lot of these rewards came from just other people giving me the strength to talk about the really tough things, things that I just still hadn't processed yet, and it's helped me process those things. And if we're talking about uh, you know, just rewards beyond that, just the connections, the friendships, the um giving me something. Positive to do with my day every single day. Like, even when I'm editing an episode for three hours, I am I'm not drinking. So that's a pretty cool thing. And I'm enjoying doing it. It never feels like work. I'm always kind of like, How can I edit this? How can I change this? What can I throw into my intro this time? And what quote did I like from the episode? Because everybody says such powerful things. I could have a whole book of quotes right now just from people naturally talking because everybody in recovery says powerful things naturally. I don't know how that's possible, but they do. So just all those rewards. But um also just getting connected with Chris from Silverstrong, built a good relationship there, and I I love what that brand represents. Um, you know, um meeting Mike from Silverhats, just everybody, there's so many great people. There's so many great people. I mean, I don't know if that's a reward within itself. So, and being able to do this today, like my birthday is tomorrow, I'm turning 39, and I just the fact that this is the day before, I was just like pumped to be do my first real live show with you guys. I mean, there's just so many rewards, and I I didn't have much confidence back in the day, I had false confidence when I was drinking. I I threw on that mask, and I would be like, Yeah, I'm a people person, but in reality, I was a really insecure person, and I couldn't see myself ever just jumping on a live episode not knowing who's watching. So just the the being comfortable my own skin is a huge reward as well.

SPEAKER_01 45:34

Dude, that's so awesome, and you know, and you're a hundred percent right. The thing, you know, being on here it's uh it forces us to open up. But if somebody else is gonna open up, it's like we owe them to open up ourselves. So that's brilliant. Crystal, what's that? What about you? What's the biggest reward of doing all of this?

SPEAKER_04 45:55

I think Ryan is the male version of me. He's literally saying things that I would say. Um it is it's it's the people, it's meeting the connections, seeing people, if it's not even just with me, it's watching two people connect that should be to like talking or sharing each other's journey, or um it's really the connections and um not being alone, never alone. Um and I seriously, everything that Ryan just said, like the from the quotes to just um it doesn't feel like work, it's it fills my soul. It's not just seeing people get their lives back and stuff, but it's what it does for myself as well. And um it just makes my pain into purpose and I feel fulfilled and it's beautiful.

unknown 46:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 46:56

I uh, you know, being being sober for a long time, I went to meetings and I went to the same meetings over and over for years and years and years, and I didn't know uh all the other pathways, and I didn't need to know all the other pathways, frankly. I I got sober, I was feeling good, and everything was good. And coming on here over the past year um has just opened my mind so much, you know, and not that not that I was closed-minded, or maybe I was, and you know, I think uh that's something that can happen with long-term recovery. You kind of get, you know, in your groove, and this is my groove, and I'm gonna stick here and stay here, and boom. And uh opening my mind to all of the other all the other programs, all the other forms of recovery, you know, because there are a thousand different pathways that lead to the same place, you know. Uh, it doesn't matter what program you're working, um, as long as you're working something. And you know, when Krista and I were at Founders Day, and I I'm and I quote this guy frequently now because he was the final speaker, and he was talking about the big book, and he said, he said, this isn't the the treasure. This isn't the treasure. He says, This is the map to the treasure. And oh man, it it hit like a bolt of lightning. Um because it's uh you know, it ultimately, you know, all these different programs, you know, the most of them they lead to finding a higher power of some sort. Um and and finding that higher power and the elimination of selfishness and the elimination of self-centeredness is so critical. And it's uh it's you know, it's what differentiates us. You know, the the drinking and the drugs are but a symptom. It's my mind, it's the way I think. And this uh these these podcasts, these live streams, the tickie-talkies, meeting people from all over the world, where they're at, you know, has opened my mind, opened my eyes to so many different things that we never could have before. And and I think that that that's my that's and say I told you I had an answer when I uh asked the question.

SPEAKER_04 49:27

Yeah, well, you should have the answer you're making the questions up.

SPEAKER_01 49:34

That's a great, great well, very well said. So being you so normally you are an interviewer. How does it how do you like being an interviewee, not knowing what questions are coming at you?

SPEAKER_00 49:47

Oh, it's it's it's it's really cool. I'm not used to doing it live like this because I've I've done been on Hopaholics, I've been on Kevin Lanning and been interviewed by a couple of people remotely as well. And it's uh doing it live is definitely different because I I have no plan, I don't have any notes next to me, and it's like what comes to my mind, and that's the best way to do it sometimes, though, because it shows what's really going on in your head and it's not scripted, and you get to know my real authentic thoughts about my recovery because and the fact that I had talked about earlier that you know recovery is not always easy, it's not always perfect. There's our conflicts, there are things we have to resolve on a daily basis, and it's not always just rainbows and fluffy bunnies. So, um, so it's nice being on being live doing this and being interviewed is really really uh invigorating, and it just gives me a chance to like forces me to be extra extra authentic and be myself. And even if I'm awkward for a couple seconds, I'm like, hey, at least it's me because I'm awkward naturally, anyways. I mean, I can act all cool on my own show, but I can edit that part out, but you can edit it.

SPEAKER_04 50:58

We embrace the awkward.

SPEAKER_00 51:00

I like it. You guys ask good questions, and you both have just good personalities that bounce off each other, so I feel comfortable right off the bat.

SPEAKER_01 51:08

So very lucky, very lucky. God put uh God put me with Krista because uh we've been doing this for a while, and we've got uh and she uh she she gets surprised every time. That's my goal. And yeah, and uh, you know, if she if she ain't crying, she's surprised.

SPEAKER_00 51:25

Yeah, and and Johnny, I'm gonna have you on the show at some point, right?

SPEAKER_04 51:29

Yes, yes, yes, he has a great story.

SPEAKER_00 51:33

I planned on asking you today and putting you on the spot. So yeah. Okay, okay.

SPEAKER_01 51:38

So I guess uh I will say yes, yes, all right, and I would love my favorite part, connect it.

SPEAKER_00 51:46

Johnny's rock bottom. Here we go. Johnny's rock bottom, but yeah, pack a lunch.

SPEAKER_04 51:52

I think you're gonna love it, right?

SPEAKER_01 51:54

Pack a lunch because I think it might have been 20 minutes ago.

SPEAKER_00 52:04

Oh forward. We all have different versions of rock bottom, so yeah.

SPEAKER_01 52:15

Now that I've said something funny, that's when we have to end.

SPEAKER_00 52:18

Um and on a positive note for sure.

SPEAKER_01 52:22

And and on a I will we were in Akron and uh it was it we got there Thursday, we were gonna be there till Sunday. We went to a clubhouse Thursday night and met this dude. Uh and I said pretty much the funniest thing I've ever said in my entire life. Um I'll tell you this one off camera. And uh I told Krista it was Thursday night. We weren't leaving till Sunday. I said, dude, I gotta leave. This is the funniest thing I've said. I'm not gonna say anything funnier than this. So this is this is it. You reached your peak.

SPEAKER_04 52:53

We did have a lot more laughs after that, but that's really we did, we most certainly did.

SPEAKER_01 52:58

I need to get off Ryan. Thank you so much for being here with us today, dude. Make sure everybody follows Ryan, go uh watch his podcast, Rock Bottom with Ryan. He's got a lot of them, he interviews a lot of people, so you're gonna hear a lot of different stories, and um, and and you've been amazing, brother. I gotta thank you again for coming and and sharing with us and being voiced.

SPEAKER_04 53:22

And happy birthday!

SPEAKER_01 53:23

Happy birthday birthday tomorrow, 39 years young. Uh grateful you can come here. Grateful for everyone in the comments and anybody who's watching. Uh, God loves you guys, so do we. Uh, Chris, do you got any final comments?

SPEAKER_04 53:40

This was just so good. You're such a great, bright spirit, and um, I can't wait to see what the future brings with our connection here. I think you guys better go watch his podcast because he's really talented and editing and all that, and they're very interesting.

SPEAKER_00 53:58

I appreciate that. And thank you so much for having me. And thanks to everybody that tuned in to hear me. And uh the fact that you said I'm so bright and uh all that. It's like I could not imagine even fitting those adject adjectives a couple of years ago. So that means a lot to hear, and uh I appreciate everybody who tuned in and just getting to know you guys more has been a lot of fun. So I can't wait to do more with you guys.

SPEAKER_04 54:22

Have a great day, everyone.

SPEAKER_01 54:24

Thank you so much, everyone. Have a great day.

SPEAKER_02 54:26

We'll see you next week.