Outside the Frame

This episode is about turning 39, patterns of self sabotage, and the stories we can't see. 

It does touch on mental health and pregnancy loss, and if you need support you can reach out to: 

Lifeline 13 11 14
Amber NT (08) 8948 5311
SANDS Australia/Red Nose 1300 308 307

Transcript

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Welcome to What Remains Wild. This podcast is about identity, transition and the parts of us that won't be tamed. I'm Lauren Moss and this podcast is recorded on Beautiful Larakea Country. I want to note up top that this episode, like many others do, will touch on mental health and pregnancy loss. Nothing graphic, but if you do need some support with these kinds of issues, there are links in the show notes and at the end of the episode. So do take care of yourself. But today I want to talk about turning 39, about a photo that I keep coming back to, and also about what self-sabotage is protecting you from. So 39. I turned 39 last week. And beautiful seasonal change here in the Northern Territory always is, which is, you know, a very good metaphor for turning 39 and really well and truly being in or past midlife. And I'm not having a crisis about the number because, as I have said before, I am well and truly relaxing into myself in my midlife years, even if I do still feel 25. But I am having some clarity about the patterns that exist in my own life that I know from conversations around the place happen to some of you as well. And that is that every time there is a new season and I'm about to put myself out there in a new shape, I sabotage. Not necessarily really dramatic self-sabotage, but definitely canceling the thing that probably would be really good for me, or delaying publishing something that I've been working on, or just doing things that take up really valuable bandwidth that I want to use on things that I want to be able to achieve. I want to be really clear that it's not a fear of failing, because like everybody else, I have failed plenty of times. But there is a fear of being seen while still under construction. And if you listen to the episode, Who the Fuck Does She Think She Is? I know this is a shared experience. The one where we call it self-discipline to not post until something is right, really, really overthink something because you really need to know all the details because you are a perfectionist and you don't want to get something wrong. It's self-protection. And like many of you, I've been auditing my visibility by other people's likely reactions for well over a decade. That has an impact on us. And interestingly, you know, I think external validation, it's not the enemy. It can become a mirror that you've outgrown. And the problem isn't that people are watching, the problem is that we're still using their reaction to assess what's best for us, and that can keep us small. And I want to say not always, because if you listened to the episode with Adam Drake, beautiful, beautiful episode. I loved that he talked about the young people he worked with, loving him before he loved himself. He was still out there, still doing the work and acknowledges now that he was still very much under construction. And they were giving him and being a mirror for him that he needed at that time. The difference between a fear of failure and fear of being seen in the change are quite different. Now there is a photo that exists, it is, of me delivering a national address at the United Nations. And there are people who have seen it, it's been chatter about it, and people who watched me deliver that national address, and I looked and felt powerful and confident and composed. It was really surreal and significant. But there was something else that was actually happening in my body that week. I was in the middle of coming off medication that I'd been on for a brief period, but my body was really loud. My mind probably had about six tracks running at the same time. Within the fortnight that followed, I'd lose something I hadn't even told anyone I had. So the point of me sharing this isn't because I want to say, here, look at what I've survived. Feel sorry for me. But it's because that photo or the story that people responded to was of somebody who was already in the middle of something that I couldn't show you. And that's where the work is. It's in that understanding that really, really, realistically, we're all under construction all the time and still showing up. We're still showing up to go to work and do the things that other people expect us to do. We're still showing up in our families to be the person and to show up as other people expect us to do. And I think that the more that we recognize that we already do that, the less important it will be for us to be constantly trying to audit against our own anticipation of people's likely reactions to us. I think this is particularly important for women. We have so many cycles in life, and I don't mean that menstrually, although, although, you know, we just get cycles. We understand cycles of life, major stages, major shaping of identity through those stages of life and through society. And so many opportunities, if we take them to reassess where we're at, how we're showing up, readjust those sales, and show up as the person that we just are. And external validation, it's not bad, and looking for it is not bad. And certainly if you are in business, really important. But it is a stage of the becoming, it's a season that's there when you need it, and there are periods in life when you have to stop using them. So for me, 39 is not going to be the year that I stop putting myself out there. It is, and I give you my undertaking, and I hope you join me in this, it's the year that I stopped putting the right version of myself out there. The version that's been pre-audited for response. So I really would love for you to think about if no one was going to respond to it, what would you make? Who would you be? What part of you would you stop editing? So this week, just notice one place where you're auditing yourself. Don't fix it, just notice who you're doing that for. And if you're on the edge of doing something, the version of you that's still being made is absolutely a version of you that's worth showing up as. So whatever remains wild in you this week, let it show. I hope I haven't put the frozen song in your head now. But have a beautiful week. And if you do struggle with mental health, pregnancy loss, you can contact Lifeline on 131114 or go to lifeline.org.au. In terms of pregnancy loss here in the Northern Territory, Amber MT are an incredible resource and they do absolutely really important, significant work. And you can contact them or Sands Australia on 1-300-308-307. Thank you for joining me, and I really look forward to coming back with more fantastic conversations with people from all walks of life who show up every day. And if there is somebody in particular that you'd really like to hear from or a theme that you'd like me to dive into with a guest, please feel free to get in touch with me. And thanks for joining me at What Remains Wild.