Life's Funny...Until It's Not™ - Solitude vs Loneliness - Knowing The Difference

Life's Funny…Until It's Not™

There's a parking lot I need to tell you about.

Last Friday, I drove to my local senior center — membership in hand, good intentions loaded — pulled in, saw the lot was full, and drove right back out. Didn't park. Didn't go in. Didn't even turn off the engine.

And I'm the one who hosts this podcast.

In this episode of Life's Funny…Until It's Not™, I get honest about the year that pulled me inside — the caregiving, the grief, the calendar that went from impossibly full to very, very quiet — and what happened when I tried to find my way back. (Spoiler: I joined every Facebook group I could find at midnight. The women in those groups are not playing.)

We talk about what loneliness actually is — and it's not what most of us think. We dig into what the research says about loneliness and health in the 55+ community, including one study result that genuinely surprised me. And we talk about the difference between solitude and loneliness, because they are not the same thing, even though we treat them like they are.

In Food for Thought, we look at what the experts actually say about why loneliness is a health issue — not just a feelings issue — and three practical strategies that researchers say actually work.

And in What I'm Learning, I sat back down at my keyboard after a long time away. What happened next is the whole episode in one moment.

If you've ever felt like the world kept moving while you were busy surviving — this one is for you.

🎙️ Life's Funny…Until It's Not™ is produced by the R2RB Network — Where Independent Voices Build Legacy.

Listen: Buzzsprout | R2RB.com Connect: deb.lamotta@r2rb.com

Transcript

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Life's funny until it's not. I'm your host, Deb LaMotta, and this podcast is for anyone over 55 who's navigating life's second acts, unexpected transitions, and the moments that catch us off guard. We'll laugh, we'll reflect, and we'll be real about what life throws our way. Thank you for joining me. Raise your hand if you have ever talked yourself out of something before you even got out of the car. Both hands? Yep, me too. That's kind of what this whole episode is about. Last Friday I drove to the local senior center, membership in hand, good intentions loaded and ready, and pulled into the parking lot, saw that it was full, and yep, drove right back out. Didn't park, didn't go in, didn't even turn off the engine, just drove through like I was on a tour. Now here's the thing. I know better. I literally know all the right answers, and it still didn't matter. So today we are talking about loneliness, the real kind, the sneaky kind, the kind that doesn't announce itself, and we are talking about solitude, because those two things are not the same, even though we treat them like they are. And somewhere in the middle of all that, we are going to talk about parking lots and senior centers, and one very confident 74-year-old woman who has absolutely no time for your excuses. Here's what you need to know about me. I am an introvert who figured out how to build a very full life. Before last year, I was working full time, running the R2RB network, producing shows, interviewing indie artists, attending events all over Delaware. Four kids, a lot of grandchildren, caring for my parents, and a calendar that had no mercy. And I was not lonely. I was busy, and I liked it that way. Then family life took a turn nobody saw coming, and little by little, so slowly I didn't even notice at first. That full calendar started looking pretty empty. I wasn't doing nothing, I was just doing something completely different. Something harder, something that required everything I had. When it was over and when it was time to come back to the rest of my life, my old anxieties were right there waiting for me. Like they kept the lights on. Somewhere in the middle of all this, I started thinking maybe what I need is a companion. Someone to go antiquing with, road trips, live music, just someone to have a real conversation with over dinner that isn't a doctor and a caseworker. So I tried it. I started talking to a very nice man and he was genuinely nice. I wanted to be clear about that, but I also wasn't ready, not even close. My mom had just passed away and I was still in the middle of grief. I hadn't even fully recognized yet. I was honest with him about that and he was understanding, and I walked away knowing that what I was actually looking for wasn't a companion. What I was looking for was myself. Because here is what nobody tells you about being a caregiver, and some of you know exactly what I mean. You spend so much time taking care of someone else that when it's over, you don't quite know what to do with your own hands. You forget what you wanted, you forget what made you happy, and you forget that you are allowed to need things too. I didn't need a companion, I needed my life back. So I did what any self-respecting woman of a certain age does when she needs to know she's not alone. Yes, I went to Facebook. I joined several groups aging gracefully, women over fifty, women over sixty, cool retired women, seniors who want new friends, and let me tell you, the women in these groups, they are not playing. One woman, 74 years old, her words said, and I quote, I'm still dating. The difference is we ain't living together or getting married. I don't have long on this earth, so I'm gonna let the good times roll. I want to be her when I grow up. Another woman said what a lot of us were thinking. It appears men in their sixties want women in their forties and fifties. So where does that leave women in our sixties? Men in their eighties? And then there was this one. And then there was this one. Finding a man is not a priority for me. Enjoying life is. That's it. That's the whole thing right there. Which brings me to what I am actually doing about it. I forced myself to volunteer. I joined the groups, I drove to the senior center, and yes, I drove right back out, but I also made a new plan. Going to the smaller senior center this week, deep breath, and I will walk in. And I signed up to host a local chapter of the Ethel, which for those of you who don't know is a national women's social club built around friendship and community for women over 50. No agenda, no pressure, just women, a local eatery and conversation. And honestly, the last one is very on brand for me because if I'm going to push through my anxiety and walk into a room full of strangers, I might as well bring a microphone. Alright, it's time for food for thought. Where we take something we've been living and find out what the experts actually say about it. And today it fits the episode perfectly. Here is what I found while I was doing my research. Experts define loneliness not as being alone, but as the gap between the social connections you have and the ones you actually want. That's it. That's the whole definition. It's not about how many people are in the room, it's about whether the connections you have are actually feeding you. Which means you can be surrounded by people and still be lonely. And you can be completely on your own and feel absolutely fine. Sound familiar? I've been in both those positions. Here's the part that got my attention. A study from the Journal of Women and Aging found that women over 55 who live alone and actively nurture their independence report lower rates of depression than women in unsatisfying relationships or unfilling caregiving roles. Lower, not higher. So the goal was never a warm body, the goal was a meaningful connection on our own terms. Now here's where it gets serious because it does get serious. The National Institute on Aging tells us that loneliness and social isolation are linked to higher risks of heart disease, depression, and cognitive decline. This isn't just a feelings problem, it's a health problem, and that means doing something about it isn't optional. It's self-care. So what do the experts say actually helps? Well, a few things worth knowing. First, understand your triggers. Loneliness isn't one size fits all. For some of us, it's a rainy Sunday. For some, it's a holiday. And for others, it's a full parking lot. Know what sets yours off so you can have a plan before it hits. Second, start small. Not a small gym membership, maybe grocery store small, uh a walk around the block small. Research has found that older adults actually prefer active individual coping strategies over big social leaps. So sor So starting small isn't a failure, it's actually what works. Third, and this one is mine, find your reason to show up, volunteering, a club, a lunch with strangers, whatever gets you out the door and into a room with other people who might become your people. Because here is what the research and real life agree on. Loneliness is not a normal part of aging. It's a signal. And signals are meant to be answered. And that's your food for thought for today. Alright, so here's what I am learning. And I mean right now, in real time, not from a book or a podcast or a list of five tips. Getting back to life after loss, and I don't just mean death, I mean any kind of loss. Takes longer than anyone tells you. And it looks different from what you expect. Sometimes it looks like joining six Facebook groups at midnight. Sometimes it looks like driving through a parking lot and going home. Sometimes it looks like signing up to host a lunch. Because if you're going to be anxious anyway, you might as well be the change. Solitude is a choice. Loneliness is a feeling. And the difference between the two is whether or not you are moving towards something. And I am moving slowly, sometimes in the wrong direction, but I am moving. And if you are sitting somewhere right now feeling like the world kept going while you were busy surviving, I just want you to know. Me too. And we're going to be just fine. Life's funny until it's not, and then somehow it gets funny again. If something in today's episode resonated with you, I hope you'll come back and join me again. New episodes will continue to share real stories, reflections, and conversations about navigating life as it unfolds. The good, the hard, and everything in between. You can connect with me at info at r2rb.com or listen to Out of the Attic Live from Delaware on Sundays at 7 p.m. Eastern Standard Time on the R2RB Network. Until next time, take good care of yourself and remember, even when life isn't funny, you don't have to go through it alone.