The Real Reason You Haven’t Written Your Memoir Yet: the "6 Veils of Resistance" and How to Move Past Them (Ep. 5)

You feel called to share your story. Yet the moment you sit down to write, you find yourself suddenly possessed by the need to deep-clean your baseboards. It’s maddening. (Ask me how I know.)

But here’s the secret: procrastination is just the mask that fear wears to keep you safe. 

Today, we’re peeling back that mask to look at the real reasons most memoirs never get written—and how to make sure yours isn't one of them.

In this episode, we step back from the technical "how-tos" of memoir writing to explore the internal resistance that keeps life-changing stories locked away in memory. I unpack the six “veils of resistance” we writers subconsciously hide behind—powerful distortions our brains use to keep us safe from the vulnerability of the page.

We discuss:

• Why "I don't have time" is rarely about your calendar.
• How your brain misidentifies the risk of writing.
• How to stop fixing the wrong problem so you can finally make progress.

If you want to write a life-changing memoir but can’t seem to actually do it, this episode is your invitation to pull back the veil and find the courage you need to move forward.

Mentioned in this episode:

• FREE WORKSHOP — Finish Your Life-Changing Memoir: 3 Steps to Stop Stalling and Start Writing so Your Story Doesn’t Die with You 
• MEMOIR WRITING PROGRAM — Unearthing Beauty (doors open late March, 2026)
• CLOSE READING — What We Carry  by Maya Shanbhag Lang (there’s also a link to download the discussion guide, but careful—it contains spoilers!)

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Transcript

0:02

Welcome to the Soul and Science of Great Writing, where the mastery of craft meets the mystery of creation. I am your host, Mara Eller, freelance editor, book coach, And writing teacher with over 16 years of experience, I'm obsessed with the transformative power of words and with understanding what makes writing truly exceptional. Not just to help my clients, but to grow my own craft too. So what makes writing truly great? Is it the spark of inspiration, the unique voice, the intangible soul that breathes life into words. Or is it the careful structure, repeatable strategies, and attention to detail that turn in an idea into something readers can't put down In truth, it's both. The soul and science of great writing brings creativity and craft together, exploring the soul and the science with equal parts, awe and analysis. In the previous episode, my guest, Ariel Curry and I discussed the science of great memoirs, the structure that supports a story and the transformation that reveals a universal truth. This episode takes a step back to look at the soul issues The internal resistance that keeps us from getting far enough for the science to ever be applied. If you've ever thought about writing a memoir, felt that sense of calling a quiet but persistent nudge that you can't quite ignore, or if you've maybe started writing, but keep getting bogged down or find yourself avoiding your writing desk at all costs, this episode is for you. a memoir is a first person narrative about the author's transformation during a specific time or as a result of a specific aspect of the author's life. They're often written almost like fiction with lots of imagery and immersive dramatization, but they're limited by the facts of what happened. They are non-fiction. So a great memoirist has to create or discover a powerful narrative arc in the midst of ordinary events. The author must dig deep into their experiences and emotions to unearth the soul level transformation buried there, as well as the universal truths their story reveals. Is no easy undertaking. It's incredibly rewarding, both for the writer and for the reader when it's done well, but the process is often quite intimidating, which is why so many potentially life-changing memoirs never get written. A common statistic you may have heard says that 97% of people who start a book never finish it. And that's not even counting the people who never start at all. That's a statistic for all kinds of books, but memoir is uniquely challenging because it's not only technically demanding, but also so intensely personal. fiction, you can hide behind your characters. In prescriptive nonfiction, you can to some extent hide behind your authority and your focus on the reader. But in memoir, there is nowhere to hide and you want it to be good. There are some unique craft-based challenges that Memoirists run into. The first one is not knowing what it's really about. If you've learned enough about what makes a great memoir to know that it has to be about something, not just a list of events or diary entries you may find yourself struggling to figure out what exactly your memoirs about ness is, and so you either wait to write until you figure that out, or you write in circles hoping to figure it out that way. And then because you don't really know what it's about, you're not sure what to put in and what to leave out. After all, you have a literal lifetime of experiences to choose from, so you get bogged down because you don't wanna waste time writing something that isn't needed, but you're not sure what is needed and so on. And third, you may struggle to find the words to effectively express what you're wanting to say. You have a vision, but every time you try to write it, the product is such a pale, jumbled imitation of what you had in your head that you delete it and start all over. These are very common struggles that I find my students and clients dealing with, There are technical skills that every memoirist has to master. that can be a struggle with any kind of writing, but I find it's often particularly difficult when we're writing about something intensely personal, which is why I focus a lot of my support on those three areas when I'm coaching and teaching. But many of us find ourselves stalling, spiraling, or spinning out long before we have the chance to utilize any of those technical tools. That's because beneath the craft challenges, there is a second less visible layer of resistance. You can have a perfectly tuned engine and a full tank of gas and still never leave the driveway. Right. have you ever had this experience where the minute you sit down to try and write, your brain suddenly finds a dozen logical reasons why you can't. I need to do more research. I'm not a real writer. No one wants to hear this, or even the spice drawer desperately needs reorganizing right this second. I want to suggest that these aren't just thoughts. They are veils. They are beautifully constructed partitions designed to keep you at a safe distance from your own narrative. Because in memoir, the destination isn't just a finished manuscript. It's a deeper confrontation with yourself, with your past, your present, and who you're becoming. These thoughts, these veils feel like facts, but they're actually distortions defenses, and if you don't learn how to recognize them, you'll spend your whole life trying to fix the wrong problem and never write your memoir. I have helped close to a hundred aspiring memoirs at this point, and I've broken down the resistance they face into the six most common soul level reasons that memoirs don't get written. I'll name each veil and offer some tips to help you overcome them. As I go through these, I want you to listen for the one that makes your stomach flip, or maybe even that makes you a little angry. That makes you wanna start justifying your actions. That's the veil you are most likely currently standing behind. This isn't to cast blame or say you're making excuses. These are real struggles, but if you really wanna move past them, you have to start by getting honest about what's going on. If nothing else, this episode should tell you that you're not alone in these struggles and there is hope. So many writers have faced these same obstacles and have found a way through, you can too. All right, let's look at those six veils. The first one is what I call the time veil. I don't have time is the most common reason people have for not writing across all genres. And I get it. Our lives are busy and writing takes time, uninterrupted focused time, which is hard to come by, especially if you're a parent working full time and so on. I know because I've been there, but here's what I also know. We make time for the things that truly matter to us, the things we truly want to do, the things our brains think we want to do, which means things that feel safe and pleasant and easy. I'm guessing writing, especially writing your memoir doesn't feel particularly easy or pleasant or emotionally safe. It probably feels the opposite of those if you're honest. Which makes sense. We'll tackle some of those emotional obstacles momentarily. But for now, I want you to try on a mental reframe instead of I don't have time, replace that language with something like, I'm not choosing to make time for this right now. Then get curious about what kinds of thoughts and feelings come up for you when you think about making time for writing. Are you maybe overwhelmed by the project's scale? Does it maybe feel selfish to take time for yourself or for your creative practice? Are you not sure you have what it takes to write a great book? Get curious and just notice what comes up. Simply becoming aware can actually lead to significant change. Number two is the competence fail. this one. Sounds like I'm not a writer with a capital W. It can also sound like, who am I to write a book? It hinges on this idea that writers are these mythical creatures. Who just know how to write and whose first drafts pour out nearly perfect. Instead, remind yourself that a writer is simply someone who writes. And writing is a skill like any other, which means it can be learned and is honed through practice. This one can also look like reading all the craft books and taking lots of workshops about how to write a memoir, but never really doing much writing. It can sound like I just need to learn a bit more, and then I'll be ready. Then I'll feel ready. Learning the craft is admirable and can be quite helpful, but too often it becomes an excuse to not start because here's the thing, you're never going to feel 100% ready. You just have to start and learn as you go. Closely related is the perfectionism veil. Many first time authors think their first drafts should be good, so they try to edit as they go and then get stuck on the first chapter for years. They feel that if the writing isn't masterful immediately, then the story isn't worth telling. They're forgetting the cardinal rule of writing, which is that everyone's first drafts are messy. There are lots of names for it, but I find it freeing to remind myself that the first draft isn't supposed to be good. As my friend Meredith Heit Estevez says, the first draft doesn't have to be good. It just has to exist. In fact, I'd argue that past a certain point, you can't make your first draft good because you don't know what good is for that book yet. That will only emerge once you've written that first draft and taken a step back to assess it. The process of writing is itself revelatory and will reveal deeper truth than you can possibly imagine at the beginning. The reality is that perfectionism is another way of protecting yourself from the fear of writing something you're not proud of. If you never move past the first chapter, you can't ever finish a bad draft, but you'll never have a book either. Procrastination, studies have shown, is not a form of laziness. It is a form of emotional avoidance, which is exactly what perfectionism can become as well, a form of procrastination to keep us safe from the risk Of failing in some way. This perfectionism veil can also come out as constantly looking for a new system or endlessly outlining, believing that if you can only find the perfect structure or perfect entry point into the story, the rest will be easy. While I do recommend using a narrative structure, none is ever perfect, and again, the only way to find that out is to write it. Next up is the worthiness veil. My life isn't dramatic enough, or I'm not a celebrity or a survivor of a world shaking event. Who would care about my story. In other words, you worry your life is too boring for a good memoir. On one level, this makes sense. Memoirs with strong hooks like crazy adventures or bizarre circumstances can definitely draw people in, but that doesn't mean they're any good. Same for celebrity memoirs. In great memoir, drama isn't found in the external events, though there does need to be some of that, something does need to happen in terms of plot. But the drama is found in the internal journey, that internal transformation we talked about last week. It's not the magnitude of the event, but the depth of the transformation that truly matters. If you feel called to write a memoir, chances are high that you have plenty of life to write about. It's just a question of articulating your transformation and finding that universal truth that will make your story connect with the reader. Number four on our list is the fallout veil. What will my mother or ex-husband or boss think? I don't wanna hurt anyone's feelings or I can't tell the truth without blowing up my life. This is a real concern. It's tricky to navigate writing a story that involves other real people. There are lots of resources out there on how to handle that, and it's something you'll have to figure out before publication, but it is not something you have to figure out right now. By focusing on this hypothetical fallout, you're censoring yourself for an audience that doesn't exist yet because the book doesn't exist yet. Plus, you don't know for sure how anyone will react. Marian Roach Smith I am paraphrasing here, says, write your story from your perspective as accurately and truthfully as you can. that's your job. Let other people worry about how they're gonna respond. But even more than that for now, just write it. You can change names or take things out or get permission later. For now, just get it out. Pretend no one else is ever going to see it, if that helps you. Just write your story as honestly and truthfully and vulnerably as you can, and stop letting the ghosts of other people's imagined opinions silence your voice. Last but not least is what I'm calling the shadow veil. This one is the hardest to see because it's the most unconscious, stemming from that deepest part of yourself. It often feels like vague but powerful avoidance, even visceral bodily pain. You just don't wanna do it to write, and you probably don't know why. You might come up with all kinds of creative justifications. I'm just not inspired today. I'm not up for it right now. I'm not in the mood. I really need to take care of X, Y, z first. Ask me how I know. The reality is that this subconscious avoidance comes because your brain knows that to write a memoir, you have to relive those experiences, and most likely, some of those are quite uncomfortable, possibly traumatic. So your brain is trying to save you from the pain of reliving your own history. If you don't write it, you don't have to feel it. The fear is essentially, I'm afraid of what I'll find when I start digging. And this makes perfect sense, especially if you're trying to write about something traumatic. It's wise to take stock to proceed with caution. Studies show that you really do relive traumatic events when you write about them. But they also show that writing can be a powerful way to make sense of those traumatic experiences, to find a sense of agency and closure. Writing the hard parts in small doses and giving yourself lots of time for recovery in between sessions can be really helpful here as is making sure you have some relational support in the form of a guide or a writing community so you don't feel like you're alone in the process. that's essential for making sure you don't re-traumatize yourself, and it's something that I offer in my signature memoir writing program called Unearthing Beauty. Which I'll share more about in the future, but I'll mention here that doors will be opening for the 2026 cohort in late March, and I would love to support you in writing your hard story if that feels like a good fit. For today, what I want you to focus on is this, what lurks beneath each of these veils is fear. Fear of failure, of exposure, of judgment. Of emotional pain of rejection, it's your brain saying this isn't safe, and it isn't easy. This is a big risk with no obvious immediate payoff. So no, essentially it sees this endeavor writing your story like a big hungry tiger danger. So it does what it does best. It tries to keep you safe by not writing. Only like so many of the things that cause anxiety in our modern world, that project isn't actually a tiger. It's not actually life-threatening, in fact, done with proper support, it can be incredibly life-giving. The truth is that our brains are really good at identifying the best short term option and moving us toward it, but they're not very good at evaluating long-term options. That's why it can feel so hard to exercise or eat well. It takes a lot of repetition to convince our brains that going for a jog or choosing a salad over Cheetos is truly in our best interest. Writing your memoir is the same. We think that avoidance, that self-doubt, that fear means stop, run the other way, when really it means you are getting close to the gold. It means this story matters and you care about the outcome. I'd venture to say that no one has ever written a memoir without being scared, witless, at least once in the process. That's just the cost of entry. The difference between those who finish their memoir and those who don't is how they handle that fear. It's not about getting over it or magically ceasing to be afraid or using shame like a weapon to force yourself to do it anyway. It's about learning how to forge that fear into a powerful asset so you can move through it to the clarity that lies beyond. Your fear is there to show you what matters to you, if you will listen, and that's exactly what I hope my students do in Unearthing Beauty. It's a five month transformational writing experience that gives you everything you need to plan and write a beautiful memoir. We tackle not only the soul work of moving through fear, but also the science of defining your book's true about ness, deciding exactly what to include and what to let go of, and finding the powerful, precise language to make the vision in your head a reality on the page. Doors open the last week of March, and the best way to learn more is to sign up for my upcoming free workshop. It's called Finish Your Life Changing Memoir. Three Steps to Stop Stalling and Start Writing So Your Story Doesn't Die with You. I'll talk more about how fear shows up and how to not only move past it, but to use it to sharpen your vision and your voice. I'll share more about unearthing beauty as well in case that kind of hands-on support sounds like your next best step. You can find the link to sign up for that free workshop in the show notes. in the meantime, remember the resistance you're feeling isn't a sign that you aren't a writer or that your life is too boring or that you're not ready. It is a sign that your story has power, that you are standing on the edge of something that matters. If you're a spiritual person, you might conceive of it as some kind of spiritual resistance, a spiritual force that's working against you, that's trying to keep you from this work because it is going to be so impactful for good. So this week try to approach your resistance with curiosity, listening to what your fear is trying to tell you and show up to the page anyway. Even if it's only to write one sentence. It's vulnerable work, but that's what makes it so very worth it. I am doing a guided close reading of a wonderful memoir, what We Carry, and the author Maya Scho bag Lang shares a powerful quote in the book club guide at the end of the paperback. She writes, the most necessary stories are the ones we think we can't tell. She also says that while writing fiction is like listening to the human heart through a stethoscope. Memoir is like performing surgery and holding the heart in your hand. So if it feels hard, dear writer, you aren't alone. If it feels scary, you're doing it right. You're performing open heart surgery on your own heart while it's still beating. And by so doing, you not only heal your own heart, but create an offering of hope that can one day reach the heart of another. What a miracle I can think of. No greater challenge and no greater privilege. That's it for today's episode. Let me know which of these six veils or defenses you find yourself bumping into the most by finding me on social media or sending me an email. I would love to hear from you. Next week I'll be unpacking the biggest mistakes authors make when writing memoir, when they've found their way through the fear and are waist deep in the work of turning their experience into a compelling narrative that reaches beyond them to touch a reader's heart. I'll also be analyzing the prologue of what we carry, which is a mini masterclass in how to start your memoir. I'll be sharing more about that book over the next several weeks for your reading and writing Pleasure. So if you don't have your copy yet, get on it. I really hope you'll join us for this close reading because it's a great story and we're gonna learn so much. If you found this episode helpful, could you do me a favor, take an extra minute and rate and review the show. This will help others find it and will also make my day. I will be back next Wednesday, taking you deeper into the transformative power of writing. Until then, remember, words are more than ink on a page. They are a path to wholeness.