The Lie Personal Development Doesn’t Tell You

In this episode of Rise Up, I explore one of the most common — and most misunderstood — questions in personal development:
How long do I have to do the work?

I look at why so many people approach personal development as something to fix, finish, or complete, rather than an ongoing relationship with themselves. We’ve been taught to work on our bodies for a goal, to diet for a result, to train for an outcome — and unconsciously, we bring that same mindset into inner work.

I share how personal development isn’t about changing who you are, but about developing the personal side of yourself — your awareness, your patterns, your reactions, and the parts of you that quietly shape your life beneath the surface. I talk about why the belief that “people don’t change” is still deeply embedded in us, and how that belief alone can stop real growth before it begins.

In this episode, I also explore the difference between healing reactive patterns and getting stuck in endless self-analysis. Why awareness matters more than fixing. Why responsibility matters more than blame. And why personal development isn’t something you do until you’re better — it’s something you live while you’re alive.

This is an invitation to rethink effort, time, and what it really means to do the work — not to push harder, but to understand yourself more clearly.

Here is to your success,
 Love Vicky

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Hi, and welcome back to the Rise Up and Live podcast. My name is Vicky Ross, I'm your host, and today I really wanted to talk about the purpose and the effort of personal development in doing the work. Because in the personal development world, which most people know of, there's lots of different ideas about what personal development is, what it isn't. And a very common question that I get is how long will it take? How long do I have to do this? How many sessions do we need? And it's almost like people have a wrong idea, a different idea, a skewed idea about what personal development truly entails. And from there comes the question. And of course, the obvious answer comes in is because they being whoever have not been taught to value personal development. So let's go a few steps back. What is personal development? And it is exactly what the word says: it's developing the personal side of yourself versus developing a skill that is outside of yourself. In other words, it's the inside and the outside world. I can learn a skill, like I can learn to be a bricklayer, I can learn to make jewelry, I can learn to do accounting, and that's all stuff that I do. Whereas personal development is I'm developing the parts of me. So there's still an old myth or belief that who we are by the age of 35 is set in stone. So you can't do anything, you can't change anything, you can't change who you are, you can't change this. People don't change, people don't change their spots, leopards don't change their spots. So there's a lot of that kind of ideas floating around, and we may say, Well, they are outdated, and they absolutely are outdated. Having said that, if the people that you've been hanging around with could be your parents, your grandparents, um, and then of course your peers, your peers probably wouldn't be saying these things, but your the older generation definitely would be still saying that, then whether you consciously have adapted that idea or not, unconsciously you have. So on the unconscious level, there's a part of us that says people don't change, and people still say it all the time. Oh, people don't change. Oh, when somebody says, Oh, I will change, please don't go, please stay with me, don't break up with me, I will change. People's advice is people don't change, so there is a kind of law, unspoken but spoken law that says people don't change, so therefore, personal development that has to do with you changing is almost like, well, that's why why do that? That doesn't work. Why should I do personal development? But let's look at exactly what who we are, what we are, and why personal development is something that should be happening all the time in our lives. So we have a body, a mind, and a spirit, whether you believe it, whether you're spiritual, whether or not it is that it's the energy. You know, science has proved it beyond doubt about you know the energy in the body. Uh, when people die, how the energy shifts, uh, even that the body becomes slightly lighter the minute the spirit leaves the body. So there is a body, there is a mind, uh, which we still haven't found, by the way. When we do autopsies, we find a brain, but we don't find the mind. And of course, there's spirit, and it makes perfect sense to us because, again, of what we've been told right through our lives, what we've seen, what we've witnessed, what we've observed, that in order to keep the body healthy, we need to eat well and we need to exercise. So, again, we all know this. We know that donuts are not good, we know that soda is not good, any sort of sodos, um, cokes, things like that. We know that alcohol is not good, we know smoking is not good, we know that deep-fried food is not good, we know that processed food is not good, but we still eat them, and we still look for diets, and we still look for coaches, and that doesn't seem to be weird. But again, think about the ideal the paradigm that we've got. I will be on diet until I lose my weight, and then I can stop, then I can go back to eating what I've always had, and probably pick up weight again. The same with fitness. We most of us will go to the gym and sign up so that we can have a body that we want that we can fit into the genes from 10 years ago, or we can run a marathon with a friend because I've taken a challenge, and then the minute I've achieved my goal, that's where it ends. So, in that way, I can understand when people say I'm doing personal development because um I've been told that I don't communicate well, I've been told I've got anger issues, I've been told I'm a victim, I've been told this, that, and the other. I've come to realize that I'm this, that, and the other, and therefore I want to do some personal development and fix that. So, how long will it take me? So, again, we have this idea that when I fix this, I'll be okay. So, will it take me one month? Will it take me three months, six months? But like your body, like your mind, and like your spirit, this is an ongoing thing. I always say in class, if you wake up in the morning and you've got breath, you're not done, you're still cooking. So, how long will it take? It will take your whole life. Do you have to do intense work your whole life? No, you don't have to do intense work your whole life, but you do have to work on things. Now, here's where it gets tricky. It's almost like there's phase one and phase two of personal development. And again, personal development is an umbrella for such a big area and things that that it involves and entails, that it's almost like, well, where do I begin? It can be a mind field. But let's just go that there's two areas to personal development, and this is the way I look at it. So, part one of personal development is the obvious trauma reactive behaviors that we have. So, for instance, when this happens, I react this way every time. It's almost like rehearsed, it's almost like a play. Uh, it's if I said to somebody, oh, so and so is coming, and oh my god, you know, we're gonna tell them X, Y, Z, and everybody goes, Oh, and they're going to do ABC. It's almost like a scripted play. We know, they know, everybody knows, because you've already identified with that personality, and that personality has a behavior, and that behavior behaves in a way that is predictable. So the first part of personal development is becoming aware in ourselves about these kinds of behaviors and aware of the root of them. Now, when I mean the root of them, I don't suggest that we go and do deep, deep past history, psychoanalysis type of stuff, but there needs to be a certain level of knowing and awareness about where this has started, where this has come from, what is it about my life that I behave this way? And do whatever therapy works for the person, and again, there's so many different techniques, great tools that don't all work for all things, for all people, and you can't give up when one thing doesn't work because it's a bit of a try it out and see how it goes, and keep going and keep going until you find something that really really resonates with you. So the first part, and you know, sometimes with people that have had awful childhoods and all that, it can take six months, it can take a year, it can take two years of deep work, of being challenged, of being and the big and the biggest problem that I see is that people are not aware of their pain or their triggers, or they kind of excuse their triggers like it. Well, you know, it wasn't my fault, I got triggered. So they abdicate the responsibility of their behavior because somebody else did something. And I just want to say in this moment, you're always responsible for your outcomes and your behaviors. So that will be the like the first part of doing the healing. So here's where I see people get stuck. They don't stop the healing, the trauma, adjusting, you know, that they're constantly looking for what else is wrong. What else is wrong? What else is wrong? And this is where it becomes a bit of um, if there's the right word, but it's a it's a bit of a bit of a situation. Let's put it that way. And here's a situation, it's it's the symbiotic parasitic relationship for there to be the desire and the work and the effort and the behavior and the discipline of healing. So I'm doing this to heal, I'm eating better to heal, I'm doing my meditations to heal, I walk and I exercise to heal. While we are constantly telling ourselves that we're doing this to heal and we are healing, we are also keeping alive the idea that we are not healed, and that is where that conflict comes in. So if you're doing everything to heal or to even stay healthy, it's presupposing that you're not healed, or you the minute you stop, you'll go back to being sick, and therefore that will happen because you are such a powerful, magnificent manifester at all times, every second, every breath, every heartbeat, you're manifesting. So if the idea, and it's a very subtle, subtle idea, that I'm doing this to heal. Oh, look at me, I've healed, I have worked really hard for two years, I have changed my diet, I have run a marathon, and I've meditated six hours a day for the last two years. Okay, I'm I'm exaggerating, but still. Then people can go, Wow, look at the dedication, and they can see in you that you are somebody that's focused, dedicated, disciplined kind of person, which makes you feel good because therefore you're being recognized as those things, and you have healed. Tick the box, and you're saying because you've always said that this is to heal, the minute you stop doing what made you heal, it presupposes that you're gonna get sick again, so you get trapped in a cycle. And with some people, I see the the the part of the healing journey as also to be successful, to maybe have a better job, to earn more money, maybe your business to be more money. So you get like a lot of improvement, a lot of improvement, and then suddenly it's like, hey, you know what? I've been doing this for three years. The first two years, I had lots of growth, lots of personal development, lots of this, that, and the other. And now it feels like I've hit a brick wall, and I don't know why. And that's because you're still upholding the idea that you're doing this to improve your finances, for instance, or you're doing this to improve your health. As long as you have to improve your health, your health cannot be fine. As long as you're doing this to increase your wealth, your wealth cannot increase. Because otherwise, when does it end and when does it stop, and when do we stop being working towards the increase? So the question is well, then how does part two work? Part two is all about now that I've stabilized myself and I'm not that reactive, or I'm not reactive because I see myself, I know who I am, I know what triggers me, I understand my triggers, I've let go, I've surrendered to the need to be seen a certain way, to behave in a certain way. I've let go of all of that, but I still don't have my ideal life, and rightly so, because up until now you've been surviving and healing, but you haven't been focusing on what you really, really want, what you really, really choose. And when I work with my clients, I always say, Imagine I've got the magic wand, and I would go, Abracadabra, tell me what you would ask for. What is that magical wish that you would like me to transform your life to be? And it's funny because again, people think, Well, I want the big house and I want the sea view and I want the Ferrari in the in the driveway, and I want the gold taps in the bathroom, and I want the whatever food in the kitchen, and and so on. But the truth is that's not what most people want. I mean, I'm I appreciate that some people do want that, but what most people want, and what everybody really, really wants, is to be happy, is to be peaceful, to live a peaceful life, to live uh adventurous, a full life, you know, one that is full of connection with their family, friends, adventures, new new things to see, um, and calmness and peace and joy and happiness. That is what we really want. Now, the question is well, what will give you that? And that is what part two of the personal development journey is all about, is figuring out what is your passion, what what beautiful gift and passion was planted in you, and not in me, not in your husband, wife, children, mother, father, but in you. What desire, what dream did you come onto this earth with? That no matter if if you know, I I do a lot of stuff stuff in corporates and businesses and all that, and when I say to people, Did you choose to do this? In fact, I've actually worked a lot with um A-level students, and the one time I was doing it for a university, and I had two classes of 70 kids in each class, and I said to them, Who here absolutely knows what they want to do? It's their choice, it's their desire, their passion, their everything, their excitement, and that's what they're going to go and do after school. So it doesn't have to be university, but whatever it is. If you know, if you've got it mapped out, if you're clear, stand up. And without fail, every single time I ask that question, it's about 10% of the group will stand up and then know exactly what they want. When I ask the question, who here knows what they're going to go and study in uni? They're not a hundred percent sure is what they would have chosen, but it kind of makes sense, it's what everybody around them uh advises, or it could be it's a family of doctors, or a family of accountants, or a family of whatever, and therefore they are following in the steps of their family and they're doing what the family's always done. Um, then I get about a 25% intake, and the rest are kind of fumbling in the dark because it is natural and normal to think in ways that we are constantly shown in everyday life, whether it is in the house, at school, at work, in the news, politics, all of that. We are shown all the things that we do not agree and want. So we are very, very well trained to notice all the bad things that are happening and to talk about them and to vent about them and to gossip about them and to complain about them. We are very, very good at doing that. But we are not often taught or in a habit of people asking us, and therefore for us to take a step back and say this and ask us, What do you want to do? Now, little kids are very good because if you say to them, What do you want to do when you grow up? And they'll say, When I grow up, I want to be a fireman, and then you'll get grown-up saying, Oh, come on, don't be silly. That's not a job, that's just something to do for fun. But what do you really want to do? So already the child gets conditioned to think that this that I chose that is a natural instinct, isn't the right thing. Now, it might not be the right thing, and it might be something that a child will outgrow. We don't know. But the fact that we already say that's not the right thing already puts the idea into the child that I don't know what is right for me and what I should choose. So from a very early age, and I'm and I'm not blaming parents by the way, parents and teachers are doing their best to teach babies, kids, toddlers, children how to be and how to survive and how to live as a human on this planet. And we can argue this is a completely different topic about who's doing it right and who's doing it wrong. But be that as it may, thus they're doing the best they can with what they've got. So, say for instance a child is colouring in and they're colouring a tree, and they're doing the tree as uh purple and they're doing the bark as red. Somebody might come and go, no, no, no, darling, the bark is brown and the tree is green. So the child is already going, the way that I saw this tree is wrong. The way that I picked is wrong because I get told to correct it. So every time I do, no, no, sweetie, you don't do it this way, you do it that way. No, no, you don't do it like this, you do it like that. No, no, don't do this, do that. You can't be doing this. How can you think that? You know, what is wrong with you? So, this is a sentence that I teach this a lot for people to stop saying that to kids. What's wrong with you? What are you doing? What's wrong with you? Um, because it starts to make a child question about whether they can or can't do something or whether they can choose or can't choose something, and so on. But fundamentally, what it does is it creates a lack of trust in self, and therefore we can't choose and we don't know what we want. So, when it comes to that second part of personal development, and I do this so often where I say to people, tell me what you want. People are very quick to tell me what they don't want, but they struggle to tell me what they want. So the second part of your personal development is to now start developing the personality, character that has the behaviors, the disciplines, the ideas, the paradigms, the beliefs of something different that creates a different life. It's very obvious for us to say the reason this person has this life is because they believe this, this, and this about themselves. And because they believe that, they behave this way, they've studied this, they do this, they've got this discipline, they've got this kind of routine, and that's why they've got this result. So it's very easy for us to see it that way. But when we turn that on to ourselves and going, okay, so who do I want to be? What life do I want to have? And what parts of my personality do I need to change so that I can have what I want? The first response, the first reaction that I get is people don't change. We can't change our spots, lepers don't change their spots, and that is an old myth. So the truth is with neuroplasticity, we've now discovered and through neuroscience that the brain never changes, uh never stops changing. What I'm saying, the brain never stops changing, and therefore, even if we've become a person by the age of 25-30, uh, yes, the brain, the actual physical part of the brain still is growing, but the synopsis and the neurotransmitter connections are still developing until the day you take your last breath. So never, ever, ever give up on yourself, your dreams, and never stop believing that you can have what you want. You can live life on your terms. If this inspired you, I'd love to hear about the thoughts that came through this, what you think, uh, what ideas it came up. If you want to have a conversation with me, you can book and have a uh truth and shift session, a discovery session. And if you want to work with me, that can be arranged too. But for now, I hope this inspired. You to think differently about yourself, and I wish you all the best. I look forward to hearing from you. Have a good day, and here's to your success.