You Can Choose How You Show Up

One sharp comment can flip a switch and suddenly you’re louder than you meant to be, harsher than you feel, and stuck replaying the moment for hours. We get it, because we’ve lived it. This conversation is about the exact skill that interrupts that spiral: learning to respond on purpose instead of reacting on autopilot, even when the words coming at you feel like criticism. 

Together with Marc Hildebrand of Modern Leadership Coaching, we share a real story from Cynthia’s early days building a beauty business, when her husband questioned her income and told her she didn’t know how to run a business. The first response was anger and frustration, but the bigger lesson was what happened next: that same reactivity started leaking into every area of life, from work to parenting. We break down why the brain does this, how “safety mode” can hijack your tone, and what it costs when the ripple effect becomes your normal. 

Then we get practical. Cynthia explains her pause practice, how to “think something else on purpose,” and how repeating a better perspective trains your mind until calm becomes the default. You’ll hear a simple script that turns conflict into clarity: “I appreciate your feedback. Can you tell me more about that?” We also talk about identity and legacy, because emotional regulation isn’t just a communication skill, it’s leadership at home and in every room you enter. If you want more self-awareness, better relationships, and the confidence that comes from alignment, press play. 

Subscribe for more purposeful living tools, share this with a friend who’s working on their reactions, and leave a review telling us: what situation most challenges your ability to pause and respond?

Interested in working with Cynthia?  Please visit purposefullivingcoaching.us

Transcript

Purposeful Living And The Core Challenge

SPEAKER_03 0:00

Welcome to Purposeful Living with Cynthia Van Warmer, where we slow down long enough to see what's really happening and take our power back without losing our grace.

SPEAKER_00 0:15

So somebody's listening to your podcast right now. Um, there's somebody out there who really I mean, they purposefully clicked on this. They're like, I need to learn how to stop reacting in these situations and instead intentionally respond. Like, I feel like I've been giving my power up and and they they literally want to listen to how you've been able to overcome this and what you do in that scenario because they really need help with this. So going to the first question, I I I would love to hear like when you think about a time in your past where maybe you were reacting and you hadn't fully learned how to respond yet. Um share a little bit about like what what um what was going on. Like tell us a little bit about like where were you reacting instead of choosing how you show up on on purpose in the past?

A Business Comment Sparks Anger

SPEAKER_03 1:04

That's a great question, Mark. Um so in my past, I started a beauty business. I had been in the business for 18 months, and my husband one day out of the blue, how much money are you making? You don't know how to run a business. So reacting with anger, frustration, lashing out is how I reacted. I could have, knowing now what I know, just paused and took a step back and said, and asked him some questions, like, what do you mean by that? You know, get his thought process about you don't know how to run a business. Well, what do you mean by that? Is it because I'm not making money? Right? Um but reacting instead of intentionally telling myself, how do you want to show up in this moment? Looking back, I would have changed that. That's not me. I don't want to be angry or frustrated with my husband or anybody else that I'm that I come into contact with. That's just like, oh my God, I showed up that way. Do I really want to show up that way? So the difference between the response and the actual reaction is the reaction is not how I want to show up. How I respond in that moment is gonna change how I'm heard, how I'm seen by others.

How Reactivity Spreads Everywhere

SPEAKER_00 3:09

So following up on that, because I I kind of heard like how you reacted in that moment. Um, but I I would love to hear, because I know that a lot of times when we experience this stuff, it's not stuff that is just contained in that one area, but it sometimes bleeds into other areas. So when you like let's say you choose not to take control of this stuff, what do you think ultimately will happen if you don't?

SPEAKER_03 3:38

Well, what was ultimately happening happening is was every area of my life. Anytime he was to say something to me or give me criticism, I would lash out without even thinking. My brain was just trying to keep me safe. Nope, just be angry. And then it carried into the workplace, my relationship with my children. It was just like that ripple effect where anytime anybody said something that I that my brain thought was criticism, I'm lashing out. I'm angry, I'm frustrated. Why would they say this kind of stuff to me?

SPEAKER_00 4:27

So thinking about that, I want you to like give us a way that maybe you helped yourself when it comes to showing up more intentional in that moment and maybe even giving us like some ideas. If you could go back and do that again, like what would you do differently? So start with the first one. Is like, how how so how do you get yourself in that moment when somebody says something, you typically will go down and react out of anger. How do you get yourself to like stop and be intentional in that moment?

The Pause That Changes The Outcome

SPEAKER_03 4:59

I pause. I pause and think of something else on purpose. I don't want my brain to always think about something's wrong, broken, and missing. I want me to pause and say, okay, here's the reality. I know I can't change the reality, but how do I want to show up in this moment? Do I want to be go down the path of anger, or do I want to be calm and beautiful? It's a choice. And throughout all my podcasts, I'm going to be repeating like really important phrases because it's super important for us not only to process, but for our brain to hear it and see it multiple times, so that eventually we're on autopilot and we just do without thinking. The good, the good thinking, right? We call them perspectives and coaching. Um, some people call them stories or thoughts. That we can think on purpose to show up the way we want to show up. So, in that instance, if that was to happen again in the past, where you're not good at your business, I would say, Oh, I appreciate your criticism. Can you tell me more about that? Like, I just want to understand your thought process on why you don't think I'm good at business in that kind of tone and not snippy and aggressive and all of that kind of thing. Because at the end of the day, who would you rather have a conversation with? Somebody that's angry? Or somebody who is calm and just asking you questions on why you think that. I know what I would choose, the calm.

SPEAKER_00 7:13

So I'm sure that this just happened overnight where you learned this of like instantly being able to be in the moment. I'm curious if there was, if there was something that happened that helped you to get yourself to take that pause, whether it's a situation that happened or something you learned, like what helped you to be able to create that space?

Becoming Who Your Kids Remember

SPEAKER_03 7:38

There's been multiple different things in my growth process to get me to this point. One is your certifications, our one-on-one calls, uh, me becoming a master coach and having my own business. I was done. You will hear me tell you this story over and over and over again. When I became aware of how I was showing up and how people were seeing me and hearing me and criticizing, I said, I'm done. That's not who I want to be. That's not how I want my kids to remember me when I'm gone. I want them to say, Cynthia was a great human who was caring, loving, compassionate, but was also outspoken and bold because she wanted to help people. She wants to help people to live that that fullest life with purpose and intention, on purpose. My daughter, my mom was great. I'm so proud of her. She's starting a podcast. She's my world. Those are the kind of things that we want to be remembered for. Not the angry, angry lady who could never say anything nice.

Leadership, Alignment, And One Takeaway

SPEAKER_00 9:22

So I want to go to that place real quick because I know the relationship you have with Courtney and how amazing it is. But I would love to hear like, what are your personal results that you've experienced by you showing up intentionally instead of reacting?

SPEAKER_03 9:42

The version of me who is a powerful leader, the confidence that I've built, the emotional control that I have now, instead of suppressing it, avoiding it, now I'm processing it. The influence in the rooms that I'm in, every room. Whether I'm here by myself, I'm in a room, and I'm showing up the way that I want. And the alignment versus the performance. Once everything's in alignment, then the performance is a breeze.

SPEAKER_01 10:25

There's somebody who gets to the end of this episode. What is like one thing you want to make sure they take from today?

SPEAKER_03 10:33

You don't have to have it all figured out. You don't have to be perfect. We just need to be aware. We need to be aware. How do I want to show up? What do I want? How do I want others to see me? And yeah, times are times can be tough. And people see that who are around us every day. People are going to see this on my podcast. Yes, times are hard and difficult. But the way that we actually show up makes a huge difference in everything we do, everybody we meet, everybody we have a conversation with, people we know, people we don't know. Right? That's what I would like everybody to take away from this episode.