Meet People Where They Are

The fastest way to ruin a hard conversation is to show up with assumptions and a plan to “fix” someone. Cynthia Van Warmer and Marc Hildebrand dig into a simple but life-changing communication skill: meeting people where they’re at, especially when emotions are high and your brain wants to jump straight to advice.

We start with a real, relatable example from Cynthia’s relationship with her daughter, Courtney. When Courtney calls after work, Cynthia chooses presence over problem-solving. She listens, lets her vent, and resists the urge to coach. That’s not passive and it’s not permissive. It’s active listening that creates emotional safety, strengthens connection, and reminds the other person they aren’t alone. If you’re navigating parenting stress, relationship conflict, or the pressure to always have the right answer, this mindset shift matters.

Then we unpack the cost of expectations. Whether you’re leading a team, supporting a partner, or coaching a client, “you should” language can quietly break trust and trigger shame. We talk about replacing judgment with curiosity, asking better questions, and noticing how the energy in the room changes when someone feels understood. The ripple effect is real: they feel more confident and you become a steadier, more effective communicator.

You’ll leave with one clear takeaway you can use today: stop trying to change people and start taking the time to understand them. If this helped you, subscribe for more conversations on purposeful living, share it with a friend who needs support, and leave a review. What’s one relationship where you want to practice meeting them where they are?

Interested in working with Cynthia?  Please visit purposefullivingcoaching.us

Transcript

Welcome And Personal Shoutouts

0:00

Welcome to Purposeful Living with Cynthia Van Warmer, where we slow down long enough to see what's really happening and take our power back without losing our grace. Hi, everybody. Welcome back to Purposeful Living. My great friend, Mark Hildebrand, is joining us again today because he brings out the best in me. Mark, I just have to say thank you for all you do. You've been with me through some really tough, tough times. Um, and you have impacted my life more than words can ever say. I also want to give a shout out to my daughter, Courtney. Courtney, my baby girl. Thank you for being you. Um you're my world, and everything I do, everything I say, everything I don't do, is because of you. And um, that's why I started this podcast so that I can help people who are going through tough times to find that way so you don't have to suffer like I did before I found Mark. So um let's get into it. He's gonna ask some powerful questions because that's what he does. Well, Cynthia, thank you for inviting me back. Um, before we continue on here, um, I also want to give a shout out to Courtney because we got to talk to her, talk about her for the last 25 minutes. And so what what what your mom really is saying here really is true, right? Where it's like, um, I can see you that you're a big part of her why, right? Um, and and I really think that um even talking about today's topic, which is like meeting people where they're at, um, it's a beautiful thing that I like to see not only that you do with your family and you do you do um just in coaching in general, but you do this with everybody. Like I know that um you say some nice and positive things about me, and I appreciate that so much, and I accept it. But you're also that person for me too. You ask me the powerful questions. You have this intuition about you that's like, I think I need to ask this question. And it may be a little bit of an uncomfortable question, but I know because like you're my friend and I really care about you that I need to ask this of you, right? And and I feel like the whole idea of meeting people where they're at is is like your picture should be in the dictionary right next to clean thinking is where your photo should be because you're so amazing at it. So let's jump into today's topic, all

What Meeting People Where They Are Means

2:34

right? So, first off, like this whole idea of meeting people where they're at. Um, so when you say that, like, can you give us just an idea of like what does that actually mean to you? Well, it means everybody's unique, right? Not there's not a bunch of Cynthia's out in the universe. Everybody's unique and special, and they're them, okay? Uh so meeting people where they're at is let me give you an example of Courtney. Courtney calls mama every night on the way home from work. How was your day? She says to me. I'm like, baby girl, how was your day? And she vents. We call this processing out loud, we call this verbalizing, and for 45 minutes, I let her talk because I'm meeting her where she's at. She doesn't need a coach, she doesn't need advice, she doesn't need my two cents, she just needs somebody to listen and know somebody is there for her. She's not alone in everyday life, and being a mom, I never used to do that up until probably five years ago where the connection really, really connected because I'm meeting her where she's at with no expectations, right? Because back in the earlier years, parenting is hard. We try to give our children morals and values, and we teach and we yell, you should do your homework, you should go to college so you can get a good paying job. But at the end of the day, are we really meeting people where they're at, Mark? I don't think so. Now, now that I see it from a different lens, she's her own person. We are there, I am there to guide her, support her, listen. And so she can make her own decisions. Because once somebody makes their own decision, it's more powerful than if I was to tell somebody, you want to become aware, you want to do personal growth, listen to a podcast. So meeting people where they're at. I love that, friend. I love it. Um, and I know you talked a lot about connection there in that moment, right? Where it's not about you, it's really about that other person, right? And being like that feels like you're like the star in the room. That's what I mean is like when I get a message from you, I feel that. When I see you coaching, I feel that. But it's not because you're doing it because you have to do it, you do it because you're like fully committed to it. So, my my next question about like meeting people where they're at is like, what's the cost of not doing that?

The Cost Of Expectations And Fixing

5:44

What happens if you choose whether consciously or unconsciously, you choose not to meet them where they're at and you try to meet them where you're at? Tell me a little bit about what's the cost of that. I think the the biggest cost is we're trying to make connections. When we don't do that and meet people where they're at, and we have expectations. What we're doing is we're taking that line that we want to connect with, and we're breaking it. We're breaking it. Because when we're doing that, we're not people make you know, meeting them where they're at, they feel things, right? They feel things they don't want to feel, and in return, they're going to act, have a perspective or story, like, oh my god, why is she talking why is she telling me this? Or why is she asking me this, right? Instead of just meeting them where they're at, being curious, asking questions, and then just letting them talk, right? With no interruption, and we're not everybody is a human, and it's hard because our brain, that's how we're wired, we want to fix things. How do we fix things? Can I say to the audience, we are not broken? You are not broken, I am not broken. Mark is not broken. So when we meet people where we're at, where they're at in those moments, they know that we're not there to fix them. We're there to to guide, support, listen. And listening, that's where the connection is. People aren't broken, they just need to find a way to process. And everybody processes different. I don't process the same way as Mark. His wife Teresa doesn't process the same way either one of us do. That's why we are who we are. God made each and every one of us different, and he did it with a purpose in mind. I hope I answered your question. You did. You did, you

Curiosity Changes The Energy

8:13

did. And I want to, I could just go kind of want people to feel this for a little bit in terms of the shift that happens. So when you shift from approaching situations and conversations, having assumptions, versus shifting into getting genuinely curious and asking questions, what do you think changes, not just like in that conversation, but in the connection that you have? I always have to say the power of the room. And here's the thing. So take the example of having expectations. So I'm great at my job. So the expectations could be high. I didn't do a good job today, I hear from management. Okay. Meeting me where I'm at, yes, I'm good at my job, but the question is, what would you like me to do? What do you want me to do in that moment? Like expectations, like you should have done it quicker, that's an expectation. But meeting me where I'm at and taking the time to understand that I am thorough and it might take me a little longer, changes the energy in the room, right? Because we have, okay, you didn't meet my expectation. And then, oh, I met her where she's at. Take all the time you need because I know I'm going to get that finished product that's going to be excellent. So you can you see, Mark, how the shift when we bless and release the expectations and just have a conversation. Not only does it give us confidence and empowerment, it's giving it back to the other person. Because then they're not feeling like, oh, I did a bad job. I'm not good enough. I'm not this. I'm not that. No, you are good enough. You have these strengths, and we're going to utilize more of those. Yeah, I love that. I love it. I love the whole idea just of curiosity instead of assumptions, because you actually get to find out what's actually going on under the surface, right? Um, which kind of leads me to my next question. Because, like as you go into a situation where you get curious and you actually meet them where they're at, and you actually get to find out what's going on versus assuming that something is going on. What do you think like the ripple effect, what kind of ripple effect does that have, not just on the person that you're meeting where they're at, but even you, whether you're the coach or the leader meeting somebody where they're at versus assuming, what kind of ripple effect do you think it has on both of you? I I would have to say it's that connection. And as we get good at this, there's a deeper connection. And I could use Courtney as an example again, because I did not have that connection with my children way back when. Because I had those expectations. Once I got rid of those expectations, Courtney and I are we're we're you can't separate us. You can't. And how does that feel when I say that? If you had that connection with your children, how would that make you feel? Oh my god. It would be, oh my god, like I can't even, I can't even give you an emotion. It feels so good. Right? The body's all tingly, and you're like, Yes. I wish I had this 10 years ago. That's awesome, friend. Um, and and I too agree. Like having that level of safety to even be able to have those kind of like conversations and what it feels like to be connected to someone, and they're not going to judge you or assume things, that's

One Simple Shift To Start Today

12:11

huge. Um, so I want to end this up with one one question to help people who are just getting started with this whole meeting them where they're at, right? So if you had to give them like one piece of advice today, like one thing to whether it's to focus on or to take away from this lesson to implement, like what do you think that would be for this episode? I would have to say when you stop trying to change people and start taking the time to understand them, everything shifts. Everything shifts, shifts. I'm living proof. Not because they change, but because you do. And that change changes shows up in every single relationship that you have.