Summer isn't always sunshine .....

Summer holidays can be amazing........ but let's be honest, they can also push us right to our limit.

If you've found yourself snapping more, feeling guilty, overwhelmed, or wondering why everyone seems to need something from you every five minutes, this episode is for you.

We're digging into what emotional regulation actually looks like as a parent - and it's probably not what you've been told. We'll talk about why your nervous system gets overloaded, how your own childhood patterns can sneak into your parenting, and why losing your patience doesn't make you a bad parent.

I'll share simple, realistic ways to calm your mind and body when life feels chaotic, without adding another impossible to-do list to your day.

Because your children don't need a perfect parent. They need one who's willing to understand themselves, repair when things go wrong, and keep showing up.

If you've ever ended the day thinking, "I could have handled that better," I want you to know you're not alone - and you're definitely not failing.

Grab a cuppa, take a breath, and let's have a real conversation about surviving (and maybe even enjoying) the summer holidays without losing yourself in the process.

If this episode resonates with you, I'd love you to subscribe, leave a review, and share it with another parent who needs to hear that they're doing better than they think.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:12

Welcome to the Dragonfly Perspective. This is a space for seeing clearly through travel, business, and real life. We explore what's real, what's not, and how to trust your own intuition in a world that often pulls you away from it. These are conversations about awareness, discernment, and building freedom in a way that actually feels right. I'm Paula Fern, and I'm glad you're here. Hello, beautiful humans. Thank you, thank you, thank you so much for being here. My name's Paula, and I am the founder of the Dragonfly Perspective, and we look at life through lots of different lenses and see what works for us. Now I am three people off having 500 downloads of this podcast. So I am offering for anyone that is new to the podcast, or even if you're not, if you're connected with me on social media, go and look up my most recent post that's on my timeline about the podcast. Give it a wow emoji um response, and I will enter you when I know who you are, and you're you're there on my socials. I will enter you into a prize drawer to win some incredible tools to help you regulate your emotions. Um there's going to be three different things in that little toolkit. Some of it's um um available online, and some of it will be something that I will post out to you that's a little special something just to show my appreciation. Um, so yeah, that's exciting. But I I wanted to talk really truthfully today about something that I'm seeing come up, and it comes up year on year, and it comes up from me and from other mums, and I think you know what I'm gonna say. It's the summer break for the kids at school if they're in school that you might um home educate, and things might not be any different for you. Um, but I have my youngest children are in school, and we've broke up for the summer, and it's always such an exciting time. There's so much that we're doing before school closes, and it is a a real rush, we're running round like crazy people, getting everything done, looking forward to this special time together. If you're anything like me, I always look forward to it with my whole being because I love spending time with my kids. And after just a couple of days, reality starts to hit. If it resonates, please share this with fellow mums and dads that might feel the same. So, summer holidays are sold to us as something magical. We're gonna make memories, we're gonna go out for ice cream, have beach days, we've got children that are laughing and have family adventures, but nobody talks about when that shift happens. And for me, it's always a couple of days in because my youngest kids are eight and ten. I've got four children, but two of them are sort of almost adult teenagers now, but the youngest two are eight and ten, and they're of the age where they disagree with everything that they say to each other, and it can become a bit of a minefield, and I can get a little bit touchy, and I have to consciously stay calm and look at how we can solve whatever that issue is. Now, people might sort of have a couple of kids that are quite close in age and just be like, oh, it's fine, you just kind of tell them what for, and then they get on with the day. But I'm the way that I parent my kids, and this is something that I always kind of disagreed on with my husband, ex-husband, soon to be not for this reason only, um, but he was very much like take no nonsense, that is it, you know, shouting and putting my foot down, no more, it's because I said so. And I get I get it because that's how I was brought up. And I was brought up a terrified kid, and I was brought up in a way that I was I had so much uh fear, and I was in survival mode a lot of my childhood, so that doesn't work for the way that I want to bring up my kids, and so we have a lot of conversations in our house, and we do have very open conversations about what he's done, what she's done, what what how it's made people feel, how it's made everyone in the house feel sometimes, because my eight-year-old I um I think is definitely on the spectrum, and so the way he navigates the world is very different to other people in the house. Um, my 18-year-old daughter is also um, I suspect, on the spectrum. So there comes times when they clash. When when that part of energy and whelm gets over, overwhelm, when it gets full, the the house kind of explodes, and I can be in I'm perimenopausal, so you put all this into the mix, and it can be tricky, and plus you're asking for endless snacks, there's noise constantly, there's guilt for anyone that has a business or works, so I do both. I work two days a week, and I also have two businesses outside of that that I run, and the amount of guilt that I have when I do work, so when I go out to work on those two days, my 18-year-old daughter looks after my younger two, and sometimes it's not great because of lots of different reasons, and it can get a bit tough because I have a lot of guilt when I go out to work. When it comes to working on my business, things take a step back because I am not able to get on therapy calls, I'm not able to do the things that I would normally do within my business world, so it does I do take a step back from it. There's certain things that are non-negotiables in my business, and that's when I pull back um during summer so that I make sure the non-negotiables are done. Such as this podcast. I am literally recording this after the kids have gone to bed on a Thursday evening, uh, hoping that they don't come down because that's another thing that I'm tackling at the moment. My eight-year-old has um is potentially on the spectrum, although not diagnosed, and he's not been sleeping for the past three weeks. To get him to sleep, we have to have a certain um sort of certain steps we need to take, and we've done all of them tonight, so I'm hoping that he will stay in bed. But this pressure, constant pressure to entertain everyone, keep everyone happy. Has anyone heard and bored yet? And the mental load that we have with all of this, it feels like it triples overnight. If you're already in burnout or in survival or finding ways to just get through your day, if you've got that on top of that, summer doesn't feel like a holiday anymore, does it? It feels like we are in constant survival. So it's really important that we are able to emotionally regulate ourselves as well as help our children do that when things get a bit crazy. And I this is really important to me because I think, and I've been there myself. I think parents feel like they're failing if they're not able to regulate the household. But it's not failure, it's just the fact that your nervous system is overloaded. So let's stop calling it losing your temper. Have you ever noticed how much we shame ourselves by using that language? We reflect on it as well, and we sort of think, well, I shouldn't have shouted. I'm a terrible mum. That has gone through my head before now. I've ruined today. And sometimes when we've got plans and we go out for the day and we we're doing, or even whilst we're on a holiday abroad, you expect that to be perfect in some ways. So if you're feeling overloaded and a small thing goes wrong, it's not that small thing, it's all the rest that's come before that. But then sometimes you might even say to the kids, well, we had this lovely day and now it's ruined because you've argued or you've done this or you've done that. And there's no judgment at all. We've all been there. We're all superhuman in lots of ways, but we also have a limit as to how much we can take. And I've got a question for you. Were you actually angry when you've said these things? Or did your nervous system just reach capacity? Because there's a massive difference in that. Anger is often the final alarm, it's often the final icing on the cake. Because before that you had all the noise, the interruptions, the decision fatigue, if you're going somewhere doing something, the heat with the sunshine, you probably had broken sleep, you've probably been clung on to. If you've got little little children, you've got no space for yourself, you're not able to finish a single thought. Your body doesn't suddenly explode, it fills up with all of this until that one tiny thing tips it over, and it can be something as ridiculous as Mum I can't find my socks. I've been there, I've honestly been there. If you imagine yourself carrying a bucket, with every stressful moment, adds in a little water to that bucket. So it's a sibling argument, there's some more water going in the bucket. The washing machine beeps, there's more water going in. The dog starts barking for absolutely no reason. I've also had that one. A little bit of more bit more water's going in. Someone spills juice on the carpet, that water's getting added again. You've not eaten anything, it's four o'clock in the afternoon, and you've you're absolutely starving. There's a little bit of water added into that bucket. You've not sat down yet. More water's added. You've had 476 questions before 10 o'clock in the morning. There's more water added. 476, lots of water added. And eventually someone simply breathes too loudly, and the bucket overflows. And you think the breathing, that final straw, was actually what is the thing that broke the camel's back, as the saying goes, but it didn't. The bucket did, it overflowed. Now, children thrive in routine, we've all heard that, but adults do too. And there's a structure at school and a predic predictability of what comes next. There's moments of quiet and time when the kids are at at school that that nobody needs you for. And then suddenly summer arrives and everyone needs every hour, every moment of the day with you, and everything needs to be planned. You've got to figure out who's hungry, who's bored, who's fighting, who's on an iPad or electronics, who wants money, who's eating, who's making that smell. It's relentless. Even if you adore your children, as all if not every single one of us does. Your nervous system doesn't know the difference between the constant demands that it's get in and real danger. It just knows that it's got no recovery time. So let's clear this up a bit. Regulated people still get frustrated, they still cry, they can still snap occasionally. Regulation isn't pretending everything's fine, it's noticing what's going on inside you and having that awareness. Because when you've got that awareness, it won't control what comes out of you. You're conscious of it, and it creates tiny pauses. It's not perfect, but it works. So I'm going to tell you about five things that will genuinely help you. The first one, lower the bar. Not every day has to be magical. Your children don't need Pinterest, they need a parent who is emotionally safe and present with them. And sometimes the best days and the best memories made are a simple picnic in the garden. Watching a movie, having cheese on toast for tea now and then, and everyone surviving. Number two, stop waiting until you're overwhelmed. Most parents only take a break once they've exploded. And then they're reflecting and feeling guilty and feeling shame. Instead, get conscious about your early warning signs. Maybe you stop listening and start switching off. Maybe your shoulders get tense or you get a pain in your neck somewhere, like a literal pain in your neck. Maybe you start speaking a bit faster or louder. Maybe every question suddenly feels irritating. That's your cue. Not to carry on, but to just take a moment to pause. Number three. Create tiny nervous system resets. Not an hour, not a spa day, not a luxurious bath, although I think you should award yours reward yourself with that anyway. But just take 30 seconds, walk outside in the garden, put some cold water on your wrists, have a stretch, or take some deep breaths. Look at the sky, stand barefoot on the grass. They're not silly little wellness hacks. They're signals to your brain that you're safe. When we're in survival, we're constantly trying to survive what we fear. But if you take these little breaks, you're telling your brain there's nothing to fear here. Number four, stop carrying everyone else's emotions. This is the one that changed my life. Your child is allowed to be bored, they're allowed to be disappointed, and they're allowed to be frustrated now and then. You don't have to fix every single feeling. Sometimes we exhaust ourselves trying to make everyone happy when actually our job is just to help them move through their emotions safely, just as we move through ours. And finally, number five, repair instead of aiming for perfection. You will shout, you'll get a bit naughty, you'll get a bit irritated, you'll probably lose your patience more than once. You're human. But children don't need perfect parents. They need parents who repair, who say, I'm sorry, who say I was overwhelmed, you didn't deserve me shouting. I'm gonna try again. And say to them, Will you try with me? Can we work on this together? It teaches emotional intelligence far more than pretending nothing's happened and just carrying on with the day. Here's something I see all the time as well. Sometimes it's not your children that are triggering you, it's your own childhood. Maybe you weren't allowed to make mistakes when you were young, maybe you had to be the responsible one. Maybe chaos wasn't safe. Maybe shouting meant danger. Now your nervous system reacts to today's situation using yesterday's survival rules. That's why awareness matters. Because once you can see the pattern, you get to decide whether you still want to live by it. And that's where real freedom begins. So a challenge for this next week, whilst we're in the thick of things, instead of asking, why am I so impatient? Try asking, What filled my bucket today? What filled my bucket to tip me over the edge? What were all those things that happened beforehand? Because that question leads to compassion, and compassion creates change, not shame. Shame keeps us stuck, and awareness moves us forward. If nobody's told you this lately, you're probably doing far better than you think. Your children don't need a perfect summer, they need memories of feeling loved because that is perfection for them. They need to feel safe and heard. And knowing that even when things go wrong, love always comes back. That's emotional regulation. Thank you so much for spending this time with me. If this episode made you feel seen, please share it with another parent who might need to hear it today. Until next time, just keep questioning the stories you've been told, the ones you're telling yourself all the time. Keep noticing those patterns and keep remembering awareness is freedom. Don't forget to find me on socials, Paula Fern, and come and give me a wow emoji, and I will enter you into our free prize drawer. Thank you for being here. I'll see you soon.