Are We Raising Children or Managing Algorithms? The Hidden Battle Nobody's Talking About

We keep talking about children's screen time, smartphones and social media - but are we actually looking at the real issue?

In this episode, I'm going underneath the headlines and looking at why we're all so overstimulated, why boredom has become something we feel we need to fix, and what our own relationship with technology is teaching our children.

Because let's be honest - telling our kids to get off their phones while we're scrolling ours isn't exactly the lesson we think we're teaching.

I'll talk about parenting in a world that didn't exist when we were growing up, the pressure and guilt parents are carrying, emotional regulation, validation, comparison and the patterns we can unknowingly pass on to our children.

And most importantly, I'll explore the difference between controlling behaviour and creating awareness.

Because maybe the goal isn't to raise children who never use social media.

Maybe it's to raise children who can use it without allowing it to decide who they are.

A very real conversation about phones, parenting, patterns and learning to choose instead of simply react.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:12

Welcome to the dragonfly perspective. This is a space for seeing clearly through travel, business, and real life. We explore what's real, what's not, and how to trust your own intuition in a world that often pulls you away from it. These are conversations about awareness, discernment, and building freedom in a way that actually feels right. I'm Paula Fern, and I'm glad you're here. Welcome to this week's episode. I'm going to be talking to you today about something that is probably something that affects all of us that have got children. I've got four children. I work and I um have a couple of businesses. And whilst we go through the six weeks of summer off from school, and we're trying to keep busy and trying to keep our children occupied. Sometimes I use devices to do that. Now I reckon it's gonna make a lot of parents uncomfortable for me to have this conversation. But before you switch off, because you think I'm about to tell you to take your kids' phones away, which I'm not I wanna talk about why I think we're looking at the wrong problem in terms of wanting our children to have less screen time. We talk about how long they're on different apps, how long they're on YouTube, how long they're gaming, whether they should or shouldn't have a smartphone, whether social media should be banned for under 16s, and yes, these are important conversations because there's been recent things highlighted to me that can be seen very easily by eyes that shouldn't be looking at things, and it is worrying, but I want to go underneath all of that because there's something else happening as well, something that I think we're not talking about nearly enough. Every one of us is exhausted, our children are overstimulated, we're overstimulated, and somehow we're all blaming ourselves for a system that was never designed around human well-being in the first place. Now bear with me. We're living in a completely different world to when we were children. Think about your own childhood. When you were bored, you were bored. You went outside, you knocked on someone's door, you watched whatever happened to be on the TV. Some of you listening might remember when there was just four channels. You stared out of the window, you probably complained that there was nothing to do, and eventually you found something. Now our children have access to an entire digital universe in their pocket. Entertainment doesn't stop, notifications don't stop, messages don't stop, algorithms don't stop. And here's the bit that fascinates me. Neither do we. Because we're doing exactly the same thing. We're checking, we're scrolling, refreshing, responding, comparing, watching, consuming, and then we're telling our children, get off your phone while we're standing there holding our own. That's not judgment, that's a mirror. And this is where I want to talk about patterns because you know what I bang on about, it's always patterns that we're noticing, and this is a bloody massive one. We've created a culture where discomfort has become something we immediately try to remove. We're bored, get on your phone, we're uncomfortable, get on your phone. We're anxious, get on your phone. We're waiting, I'm gonna go on my phone. We're lonely, I'll go on my phone. We're overwhelmed, I'll go on my phone. And our children are learning the exact same thing. So maybe the question isn't simply how much screen time is too much. Maybe the question is what are we using the screen to avoid feeling? Because that is a completely different conversation. Because boredom isn't an emergency. I think we've forgotten this. A child saying I'm bored doesn't mean quick entertain me right now, it means I'm bored, and boredom can be really really useful because when you remove constant stimulation, something else eventually happens. The brain starts looking for something. Creativity, imagination, connection, movement, conversation. Sometimes nothing, and nothing is allowed to. When we're still we get healthy, we get emotionally regulated, we don't have to fill every second of our children's lives, and actually, we don't have to fill every second of our own either. Let's talk about the parent guilt for a second, because this is where I think women get absolutely hammered. We're expected to monitor what our children are watching, monitor who they're talking to, monitor their screen time, monitor their mental health, feed them healthy food, get them outside, keep the house running, work, make money, remember dentist appointments, remember school stuff, remember birthdays, remember that someone needs new trainers, and then somehow we're supposed to be calm, emotionally regulated parents, while we're doing all of that. And honestly, sometimes I'm amazed parents get through the day without lying face down on the kitchen floor, and then we wonder why we're shouting, why we're snappy, why we're overwhelmed, why we're reaching for our phones at 11 pm because it's the first bloody moment, nobody needs anything from us. And here's the uncomfortable bit. Sometimes we're asking our children to regulate something that we've not learned to regulate ourselves. We tell them put the phone down, but we're scrolling in front of them. Stop comparing yourself, but we're comparing ourselves. Don't worry about what people think while we're obsessing over likes and comments and what everyone else is doing. Go outside while we're sitting inside. Talk to me while we're distracted. And children are incredibly perceptive. They don't just listen to what we say, they watch what we do as well. So, what do we actually do? In my opinion, I don't think the answer is ban everything. I don't think the answer is let them do whatever they want either. It's somewhere in the middle. It's teaching them to understand their relationship with technology, and that always starts with us, we're their teachers. But first, ask a better question. Instead of how long have you been on that, try how are you feeling after being on it. Because two hours creating something with friends isn't necessarily the same experience as two hours doom scrolling through content that makes you feel shit about yourself. We need to look at the impact, not just the clock. And second, notice the transition. Have you ever asked a child to come off their device and expected them to immediately be cheerful? Of course they're gonna resist. Their brain has just gone from constant stimulation to put your shoes on. That's a massive shift. So give them time to transition into that. Ten minutes and then we're gonna eat. Finish what you're doing, then come downstairs. And sometimes get involved, ask them what they're watching, ask them what game they're playing, not as an interrogation, but as a connection. Third, create spaces where nobody has a phone, and I mean nobody, including you. Not children aren't allowed their phones while I sit here scrolling. Everybody, it might be at dinner, it might be going for a walk, a conversation, a film, whatever works for your family. Because if we're going to change the culture, we have to participate in it too. And here's my favorite one. Teach your children to notice their own patterns. This is where I think we can do something really powerful. Ask what happens when you spend ages scrolling? How do you feel afterwards? Do you feel better, worse, more connected, more lonely? Do you sleep differently? Do you feel like everyone else's life is better than yours? You're not telling them what to think, you're teaching them to observe themselves, and that is emotional intelligence. Because awareness comes before choice. This is the bit I really want you to take away from today. If I don't know what's happening inside me, I can't make a conscious choice about what happens next. I'm just following the pattern that I've always followed. Scroll, feel like shit, scroll more, compare, feel worse, scroll again, and eventually I've lost an hour. That's not just a teenager problem, that's a human problem. Adults do it too. And maybe this is the bigger conversation. Maybe we shouldn't just be asking how do we protect our children from social media. Maybe we should also be asking how do we raise children who don't need social media to tell them who they are. Because that's different. That's confidence, that's identity, that's emotional regulation, that's connection, that's teaching them. You don't have to be liked by everybody. You don't have to look like everyone else. You don't have to respond immediately. You don't have to prove yourself. You're allowed to switch off, you're allowed to be bored, you're allowed to be different. And actually, you're allowed to exist without an audience. And parents need that message too. Because maybe you've spent years performing, being the good mum, the successful woman, the person who has it all together, posting the nice picture, keeping everyone happy, saying you're fine when you're absolutely bloody knackered. I've been there and I've done it. Maybe your phone has become the one place you disappear for a little while. And I'm not here to take that away from you. I'm asking you to notice it. Because there's a difference between consciously choosing something and using something to escape yourself. That's the difference between choice and pattern. So here's your challenge. It's not take the phone away. It's not delete all the apps, it's not become a perfect screen-free family. Just notice for one week. Notice your own relationship with your phone. Notice your children's. Notice what happens when you're bored. Notice what happens when you're uncomfortable. Notice what you reach for. And ask yourself, what am I actually looking for right now? Connection? Distraction, validation, escape, information, comfort, or simply something to do. Because once you know what you're looking for, you can decide whether the thing you're reaching for is actually going to give it to you. The world our children are growing up in is completely different from the one we grew up in. And I don't think we can parent them using rules designed for a world that no longer exists. But I also don't think we have to hand our children over to algorithms and hope for the best. We can teach awareness, we can teach boundaries, we can teach emotional regulation, we can model what healthy technology use looks like. And most importantly, we can stop parenting from fear. Because fear makes us control, awareness gives us choice, and that is what I'm always banging on about. See it, understand it, then decide. Because the goal isn't to raise children who never experience the digital world, it's to raise human beings who can walk through that world without losing themselves in it. Maybe we need to learn how to do that too. This is the dragonfly perspective. Knowledge is power, awareness is freedom. And I'll see you next time.