Loyalty or Lack of Boundaries?

Loyalty or Lack of Boundaries?

In this episode, I’m having an honest conversation with myself… and with you.

For a long time, I thought I was being intentional. I thought I was choosing growth, choosing patience, choosing commitment. But in reality, I was skipping the foundation. I wasn’t dating intentionally—I was jumping straight into building something that required a version of me I hadn’t fully honored yet.

I called it loyalty.

I called it grace.

I called it growth.

But if I’m being real… a lot of it was me not keeping my own boundaries.

This isn’t just about romantic relationships either. This is about the ways I showed up in multiple spaces—overextending, people pleasing, and convincing myself that staying was the same thing as growing.

In this episode, I’m unpacking:

• how I confused patience with self-abandonment
• what it looks like to skip intentional dating and go straight into building
• the subtle ways people pleasing shows up in relationships
• and what I’m learning now about choosing myself without guilt

Also… we’re entering a new season for real.

My 75 Day Challenge starts on March 22—my birthday, and I’m stepping into this next phase with more clarity, stronger boundaries, and a deeper commitment to myself.

No distractions.

No misalignment.

Just intention, discipline, and alignment.

If you’re in a season of resetting, rebuilding, or realigning—consider this your sign to get honest about what needs to change.

If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who might need it—and take a moment to reflect on where you may be calling something loyalty that might actually be a lack of boundaries.

And as always… we’re growing, we’re learning, and we’re giving ourselves grace along the way.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Something I've been wanting to tell ya for a very long time. Knowing my hurt. Hope you don't lose your mind. I was just a boy, about eight years old. When you threw me that Bible, down that Mississippi. I love you, Papa. You did all you could do. They say the truth, honey. So I lied to you. Yes, I lied to you.

SPEAKER_03 0:32

Oh I love. Yes, I love.

SPEAKER_01 1:21

And thank you for tuning in on this lovely Tuesday or whatever day it is that you're listening to this episode. Yeah. Um, yeah, so let's just get into it and go ahead and get caught up with each other and just dive right into life, like play. Okay, okay. Yeah. So uh school kicking my butt, y'all. School, oh my gosh. Let me tell y'all something. Um I'm getting my master's, right? Um, in business administration for music. Music business is my my track. Um, but you know, you have your general, you have general business, like, well, I don't know, every school's like this, but the school that I am attending, they you were learning general business and you learning general principles, and then you also learn, you know, your music stuff, right? Cool. And so it's every class, every class that's in the general, no, so yeah, every class is in the general business classes, we get to choose or we get thrown into different markets or different industries. And so usually you have it requires a I mean, the grad school requires a lot of research, a lot of outside research to um understand how to do the assignments and things like that. And so this class that I'm currently in, oh, this class I'm currently in, the industry that we are focusing on is airline industries. And y'all, I don't know nothing. I know nothing about nothing when it comes to airlines and how they operate and all of those things, and their different performance metrics and standards and regulations, and I don't know nothing about none of that. Like I've never, yeah. So that, but that's that's what this class, that's the industry this class is focused on. Like our assign our big term project is focused on that, and every assignment is like in that industry. So it's like I'm doing research every like I'm having to look up stuff all the time and everything. And so, like, but the but yeah, this last assignment, I stayed up. This is also like, yeah, I it took me forever. Well, it didn't take me forever to do it, it just felt like long because I it it requires extensive research because like I don't know nothing about the airline energy, and I had to do like this situational analysis of the company that I'm supposedly working for, and then I had to do like a and they're looking to potentially acquire another airline to help move along their plans and expansion and growth and stuff like that. And so I had to do a situational analysis of my airline and then do a cost-benefit analysis uh with a risk analysis, discussing impact and all of that stuff, uh about two the two potential airlines that my company is looking to acquire.

SPEAKER_00 4:21

Yeah, I turned in about 12 pages. Oh my goodness, y'all. Like that was, yeah, yeah, but hey, I gotta A.

unknown 4:35

I gotta A.

SPEAKER_01 4:36

I'm so happy. And y'all, that's another thing. This professor, he I I fear, well, yeah, I fear, well, no, it's not. He is a hard grader, and I read his feedback and stuff like that and everything, and it's yeah, yeah, he's a hard grader, so I had to, yeah, but I gotta A. Like I got a straight up A. Like he said it was strong all the way around. He did give me some areas to up improve me because duh, you can always be better. But yeah, and I just I instantly felt like awake. I lifted off my shoulder because y'all, I was so tired. I'm already now for three hours of sleep because I've spent so much time working on that assignment. Um, even into last night. Like, yeah. But that is that's what's going on in my world. Um, that's that's really all that's going on. But you know, I like it because it's stretching me and it's not like I'm not comfortable, but it's also showing me how to, you know, these transferable skills are like you can they are transferable and you can apply them to any industry. And also just it's also showing me and proving to me that just because I like I have the capabilities of learning about other industries and researching, even if I've never worked in them before, and that's also great and nice, like check mark. I'm pretty sure that's a great skill on a resume and all those things, but yeah, yeah, that's just yeah, that's what's going on with me. That's what's going on in my world in my life all those things. So yeah.

SPEAKER_02 6:14

But now we just gotta move right along to shared step, shared, shared, shared, shared steps. Okay, guys.

SPEAKER_01 6:36

So for this shared steps moment, I want to take the time to give flowers to the one and the only amazing and talented and gifted, so lustrous voice that belongs to the one and only, Miss Jill Scott. Okay, and not just because she can sing, y'all, because we already know that. Okay, she is a Grammy-winning award, she is a Grammy-winning artist, songwriter, actress, performer. You know, the resume is in list, and the voice is there, the longevity is there, okay. But what I've always admired about Miss Jill is her energy. She's always embodied, you know, like grown woman, like, ugh, and there's something about her presence that's like, I know who I am. Like it just it just screams at her aura of screams. I know who I am. It's not loud, it's not defensive, it's rooted. And her music is always centered love, but not a desperation kind of love or like a desperate kind of love, you know, not self-abandoning. Not I'll take whatever you give me. It's soft, it's open, it's sensual, but it's also discerning. And I know, like I've seen, I saw the video in her interviews where she was like, oh yeah, he got me and stuff like that. I saw that. We all make mistakes, but that doesn't change who, you know, like who sh who she's the person she has, how am I trying to say this? The perception that I've gotten of her, it hasn't hit like that didn't hinder it because she had a human moment. It hasn't defeated how I, I mean, it hasn't changed how I would like you know, um, because in everything she's always like made it clear that you can want partnership and still have standards and you can desire love and still require receptor. I got tucked out, Lord Jesus. You can still require love and still require same treatment back, reciprocity. That's the word. That was the word that tripped me up. Um, and you can be intentional without losing yourself in the process, and that's wisdom. Because being intentional in relationships doesn't mean staying at all costs, it doesn't mean overcompensating for your past, it doesn't mean bending so much that you forget where you stand, and that's powerful. So, this shared step is about honoring women to show us that love doesn't require self-erasure, that being intentional doesn't mean being unprotected, and that wisdom is just as important as desire. So giving Jill Scott her flowers for embodying grown grounded intentional womanhood. So thank you for all that you have done and all that you are going to do. Oh man. So yeah, in the in this realm of you know, talking about being intentional and all those things, the topic that we're gonna talk about today is gonna be talking about, you know, kind of intentional date and being intentional with relationships and stuff like that. Um, so to set the scene, we're gonna hit it off first with her playlist. So as I let you guys know last week, now the her playlist segment is going to be the soundtrack of our main topic or our main um, yeah, of our main topic for the episode. So for this week, um, as we're gonna be talking about being intentional and stuff like that, but we're gonna focus on my mistakes and well, we're gonna talk, we're talking that's the topic and stuff like that. The and it's intentional and dating. And so to kind of help set the scene and get you know in the frame way of how I was feeling and as I go through the story, you have these songs playing as you listen through on another device, and or you know, if you don't want to hear me blab at all, you can just listen to the songs and you'll be like, oh, okay. And you, you know, yeah, cool. So the soundtrack of this episode, soundtracks for this episode is first one is focus by her, and the second one is cranes in the sky by Solange.

SPEAKER_02 11:10

So, yeah, so you can go ahead, play, play them out, listen to them.

SPEAKER_01 11:15

Yeah, now let's get it.

SPEAKER_02 11:18

Because now we're going to let's walk through uh our main topic of discussion.

SPEAKER_01 11:28

So, like I said, I was dating intentionally. Um, and when I was in my intentional era of dating, I like not many, like not many people had excess, a lot of people like really no one. Um, I was very, very, very strict and very rigid in dating. And like you really got cut off for the smallest, like, not even the smallest thing. It just I wasn't in the space of wasting my time because I was being intentional. And if I didn't see a line, if we didn't, if it didn't feel like it was in alignment with myself, with my beliefs, whether, or if we didn't, if I didn't feel like chemistry or whatever, if it was something that felt lacking, or I didn't feel a desire to continue, well then you lost access, and I just you know that just happened. Um, but I mean, even in that when I was dating, I would, I would let them know like I am being very intentional about dating and the space that I'm in. And yes, on a time, on occasion, on a time, on occasion. I definitely got accused of like, you know, a some guys like just left off ripped after hearing that too. Not even I cut them off, they just didn't want to continue dating me because they claim that, oh, that just means you're gonna fall in love with whoever comes next and you're gonna make it work with whoever comes next. It doesn't matter if it's actually Mr. Wright or if it's somebody that you are compatible with and stuff like that. And I'm like, okay, not true. Um, you're so I mean, you didn't get so when guys will say that, I'd be like, okay, okay, yeah, we're not gonna do anything. You know, this this is the only, this is probably the last conversation we're gonna have. So um, I did get accused of that, but that wasn't the case. Uh wasn't the case at all for me. Um went a long time actually, uh, before I finally came across somebody that I was like, oh, like, yeah, yay, okay, cool. That being intentional, it was great in the vetting process, it was it was amazing. Um, but then I made a mistake. Then I misstepped, and I I didn't apply my intentional efforts completely all the way through, and I fumbled back a bit. And um what happened was you know, my uh my crush came along. He was a childhood crush and all that. This is not a venting episode about our relationship and all of those things. If you want to hear that, you can go listen to, I believe, episode six, when loving is loving people from a distance or when loving is a leading choice, something like that. I believe. Episode six, I believe is that episode. So if you want to hear the vent, the yap session about that, go listen to that episode. That's not what this episode is. This episode is how I skipped being intentional in dating with him because I had a crush on him and because I looked at him this certain way and everything, I skipped the betting process. Uh, I didn't, I wasn't checking for a line and I wasn't checking for compatibility because duh, I like you already. Like, I've been liking you, I've been interested. Been, been, people, been wanting the chance, been wanting a shot and stuff like that. You know, I didn't take the time to even positive, like, man, is this man even capable of giving me and you know, giving me what I want, you know, pleasing me, like meeting my needs, you know, and is he gonna help me grow? And skipped all of that, skipped all of that and went from intentional dating to immediately intentional building because yeah. And along the way, by me now with him, along the way, I conflated staying with being intentional. Um, and because of that, we entered, like, you know, I had this domino effect where my boundaries were constantly, constantly being pushed and over like, you know, ignored and things like that. And you know, it was one thing, you know, talk about it, I'm not gonna do that again, okay, cool. Then it was another thing, talk about it, okay, cool. Then it was another thing, then it was another thing, and another thing, and another thing, another thing, it just you know, until my compromise became the expectation, not him showing up and actually putting in the work and stepping up to the plate. So and I mistook once again, conflating something, mistook tolerance for patience. I assumed because that I was tolerating and forgiving and compromising, that I was being patient and offering him grace and giving him the opportunity to grow. But that is not at all what I was saying to him. What I was saying to him, and what I was letting other people know that knew what was going on in that situation, is that Eriga, if I oh, Eriga's boundaries, it yeah, they they flimsy. Flimsy. Like, like you know, because when you keep loosening your boundaries, you teach people how little is actually required to be in your life. And I didn't realize that. I did not realize that in the moment. Um, it was definitely a hard lesson learned. And like, because like like I said, my compromise was what was always expected now. Me compromising, me loosening my boundaries and meeting him where he was at. But y'all, staying only works when both people bend, when both people are willing to compromise, and then both are willing to grow and change together. That's the only time staying works if both parties are doing it. Not just one, not just me, if it's both of us, right? And hold on, what it cost me, I can't tell you, like there were moments and my sisters, my brother can vouch for this. My parents, they probably were thinking it too, but I ain't never tell them. But my sisters and my brother, oh, I was like, how the hell did I get here? I found myself saying that too many times. Too many times. I ended up in too many situations, but it was just like, of all people, Ariel, how did you end up here? It's not making no type of sense because of the type of person that I am, and it's just like I was asking myself the same thing. How did I get here? How did I how did I get here? And what's okay, my body was showing signs of being drained and exhausted way before I was ready to admit the truth about the situation, and I ain't gonna hold y'all the comment that really did it for me, love you, daddy. But my daddy said he made a comment um one Sunday at church and he was like, you know, you tired or something? I was like, yeah, a little bit, but you know, not really. And he's like, hmm, you're looking a little you might want to put on some makeup. And y'all, my daddy don't, my daddy is a natural person, he doesn't really care for all of that extra stuff. So I must have been looking pretty damn bad.

SPEAKER_00 19:50

Pretty darn rough. Pretty darn rough.

SPEAKER_01 19:56

If my daddy told me to put on some makeup. Now, granted, I did have a conversation with him and I let him know you probably were seeing me with your spiritual eyes, because I know exactly what you're seeing. And I was like, yeah, everybody don't see that, daddy. Everybody ain't seeing me looking like that. I know exactly what you're saying. Um, because yeah, but um the light was definitely gone out of my eyes. The spark was gone. I was drained. Hollow eyes. Like, I know I kind of got bags right now, but this these are bags, these are well-earned bags, okay? These bags got me an eight. Okay, I compromised on that to get a good bag. But um, but yeah, it was my skin was dull, like there was nothing I could do to bring life to my I was breaking out like crazy. My body was in so much pain every week, like a different part of me just was hurting. Like, I just I can't tell y'all, I can't tell y'all, I just I can't even express it enough. And the turning point for me, honest to goodness, I had a spiritual reset. Like, my spiritual reset woke me clean up and helped pull me right on God and getting closer with him and getting into my word and praying, as I talked about in last week's episode, like talking and having these conversations with God and really and truly and honestly finally bringing it all to him and letting it all out. That's when the fog, the like I said, the fog was lifting, not just about man's convictions, not just about all of that, but even with this, the fog was lifting for every situation going on in my life. That's what helped me. God, God helped me get up out of there. God helped me see. God helped me. That was my turning point. And he didn't know that, he didn't know he was running out of time. He didn't know, he didn't know. That each and every time that stuff would happen and it'd take me longer and longer and longer to the point I didn't even reach out anymore. He had to come reach, he really was reaching out to me. Because that's the thing. At first, when we would have fallen outs and stuff like that, I would reach out to him and initiate the conversation. It went from me doing that to me taking long to taking longer to do that to me eventually not doing that, and now him having to do that. And he didn't he wasn't picking up on the fact that you're running out.

unknown 22:35

You're running out done.

SPEAKER_01 22:37

Your time is running. But you know, it's alright. It's okay. Um, and so the lesson, the real true lesson here is that without boundaries, well, at least for me, for me in that situation and everything, and what it taught me, not just for romantic relationships, but any relationship, friendships, platonic relationships, if it's an associate, if it's a workplace relationship, any kind of relationship. Okay, it taught me that without boundaries, intentionality can become self-betrayal. You can over-compromise and you can overbend if you don't stand firm in your boundaries, because boundaries are not a bad thing, and that was also kind of part of like you know, the people pleasing aspect of um that I was also having to grow from that I didn't realize that I was doing because when I my people the because my people pleasing wasn't saying, oh, so-and-so is this, and praising and singing their praises at the top of the lungs, like as if they're perfect humans and all that. No, my people pleasing would be I'll buy my tongue. Yeah, you hurt my feelings, but it's okay. Like, it ain't that deep. That was my people pleasing. Um, and or you know, I I it would take me because I will my people please, I put your feelings before mine. That was that was my and I convinced myself that no, that just means I love them, and like that's how I care, that's how I show up for people, and da da da. No, no, it was because I didn't want people to abandon me. And in hopes of keeping them around, I just put their feelings before mine. And not in the sense like I'm like I said, nonsense, I'm singing their praises as if they're this perfect human and they can do no wrong and that's like not saying I we didn't have conversations and confrontations. No, it's just I cared more about them than I cared about myself, and that was that. And what also I learned in this situation when it comes to being intentional with relationship building, and in like I said, in any type of relationship building, it requires discernment and standards and mutual efforts, mutual efforts. So everybody involved has to be willing to compromise and willing to change and willing to grow. So that's that was the root and real lesson there in that for me. And I like I said, hard one learned by moi. So I went through that. So you don't gotta go through that, just take the message and the lesson from listening so you don't have to learn it the hard way. Because when you in the thick of that, learning that lesson in the thick of it can drive you insane. Cause yeah, like it, it I I had some dark days. I had some dark, dark dark days, and I don't wish that on anybody. I I really I don't wish that on my personal. I really don't. So like I said, I went through that. So you ain't gotta go through that. So don't go through that. If you feel yourself doing that a little bit, if you find yourself questioning whether or not you're firming your boundaries or not, you probably do not. I'm sorry, I like that like let's be honest. If you're seeing me like, hmm, am I solid on my boundaries? Nine times out of ten, you're not. Because people who are, they know them. And they're not like, and they stand 10 test on. Yeah. And so that's the thing. So yeah, that's the lesson. That's the lesson in it all. That's the lesson in it all. But also, in order to be able to know that and see that, you also have to know yourself. You also have to take the time to spend time with yourself and understand what are your boundaries, what are things that you don't want to do, what are things that you are willing to compromise on, what are things that you are not willing to compromise on. And no matter who comes your way, I don't care who it is, you stand firm on those, and that's just that.

SPEAKER_02 27:41

Love ya. So we're gonna keep it going right along to let us along the way, why, why, why?

SPEAKER_01 27:58

So I would love to hear your guys' voices and your stories if you can relate to you know some mistakes that you may have had in being intentional, whether that's intentional in dating, intentional in building friendships, intentional in job search, like anything. Um, if any mistakes or lessons that you've learned about along the way in terms of that, or you know, you want to write in and ask me some questions and maybe I'll talk. Well, and I can talk and give some advice. Um, it's not going to be professional advice because I am not a therapist and I am not licensed, nor am I certified. So um I'm just gonna give you the best thing that I can do. And I am praying that I don't mess up your life because that's not my way at all. Um, but yes, if you want to share those stories or you would like some advice from more, you can email those letters to lettersalongtheway at gmail.com. That is L-E-T-T-E-R-S-A-L-O-N-G T-H-E-W-A-Y at gmail.com.

SPEAKER_02 29:03

Cool, now here we are at blow up close.

SPEAKER_01 29:08

So I know, I know, I know I said we are doing the 75-day challenge. And we are. I am still doing the 75-day challenge. However, come on. I am waiting for my personal, I'm waiting for my trainer to get my workout planned to me um and my nutritional guide to me. Um, because I told y'all, like, I this this is this is enough, this is me being intentional. I have a goal, I have a I have a body goal in mind that I want because I'm finally at my natural state. I finally like no stress weight, no depression weight, no none of that weight, no extra, because at this point in my at this point in time, usually I would put on about 15 to 20 pounds. I haven't put that on this year. I'm finally actually sitting at my natural lean petite body stature. This is how my body is supposed to be. Okay, my now, this is the natural genetics at its finest. This is where my body is right now. Um, and yeah, so now I have a I have a good foundation to start from, which is my natural body. So I'm waiting for my trainer to get that information to me. So we are going to start sun next Sunday, which is also my birthday. So that's where we're gonna start March 22nd. So, but just to remind you what the 75-day challenge is, we are journaling every day. Um, working out, and we are working out every day, and we are eating to support the workout goals, okay? Whether that means you, if you want to lose weight or something, like you need a high fiber, high protein diet, um, or no carbs, or you know, whatever, whatever kind of thing you want to eat to support your workout goals, that's you. I'm not putting any stipulation on whatever that is. Um, but yeah, that's what so yeah, but what was I saying? Yeah, so work out every day and eat to support that, and go on a 30-minute walk every day outside, um, in the sun. That's what we're gonna do. And then um read a chapter out of the Bible a day and read 10 pages out of a book just for fun. Any book, it can be a non-fiction book, fiction book. I I have a couple of thrillers that some one-off thrillers that I want to read, so yeah, that's probably what I'll do. But yeah, so that's gonna be our 75-day challenge, and we're gonna start on March 22nd. Yeah, yeah. I don't know where those accents just came from.

SPEAKER_02 32:04

Okay, anyways, yeah, so that's that. Gonna keep on chugging.

SPEAKER_01 32:10

Yeah, so yes, as we reach our grace notes, these are the words of encouraged. We have reached the gray note of the episode. Um, our words of encouragement, and I want to let you know, like I said in Jill's, you know, shared sex moment, you can love deeply and still require reciprocity because reciprocity is literally the bare minimum, the bare minimum. Okay, and what is meant for you will not be offended by your boundaries. Like, that's just the truth. And the quote that I want to leave you with today is when you are clear about who you are and what you deserve, you will not accept bless. And that is from the one and the only, Miss Ileana. From Miss Ileana Fix My Life. Okay, so take the time to truly understand yourself and take the time to pour love into yourself because that is also a mistake that I made. I was so focused on finding love in someone else instead of learning, relearning how to be in love with myself. That also played a role. So don't do that. Take the time and fall in love with yourself again. Love yourself, get to know yourself, pour into you, and I promise you will attract it'll come, it'll come. Just be patient and it'll come. But yeah, that's that. And now we have reached the end of another episode. I know this week's episode is a little short. Well, not a little short, it's shorter than uh most of our episodes. Um, but you know, we just kept tracking along, and that's that's how the episode went this week. Um, so I hope you guys appreciate this. I hope you guys learned something from this lesson. I mean, from this lesson, learn something from my life, uh from my story and my mistakes and the mistake that I made with intentional trying to be intentional in dating and understanding your boundaries are your boundaries, and do not shake them up for anyone unless do not shake them up for anyone. If you're in a relationship, compromise should be happening on both sides, not just yours. Okay, so yes, go ahead. Remember, we are pushing the 75-day challenge to next Sunday. So go ahead and prepare your mentally for that. If you already got started, then great. Don't stop, don't stop for us. We'll join and catch up with you next week. But yes, so until next time, guys, remember to pause, breathe, take a beat, and don't forget to give yourself grace. Until next week, guys. Bye.