Making Friends | Part 2

Proverbs 27:17 | Part 2 | Do you struggle with friendships? Maybe you feel like you're stuck in a cycle of shallow connections or constant rejection. What would it look like to follow God's design for friendships?

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:04

Jesus tells him Luke chapter 15 that when one of us turns to God, heaven throws a muzzle top, heaven throws a party. God doesn't withhold a tall from us, he rejoices when we turn to him.

SPEAKER_00 0:19

You're listening to The Bridge with Junior Ziggler. Junior's the lead teaching pastor at the bridge in Chicagoland. And Junior, we are picking it back up in Proverbs, continuing the conversation we had last week about friendship.

SPEAKER_01 0:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 0:31

You know, last week I spent a day fixing my chimney.

SPEAKER_01 0:35

It was leaking a little bit during storms. And so my crawl space above our, you know, above our ceiling was getting wet every time it rained. And so I fixed the chimney. It's not leaking anymore. But I just peeked my head in a couple days ago and I noticed there's some rotting boards up there. I don't know. And if I were to leave that, that mole, that rot, it's gonna start to crumble the house. And so now I've got to address that. That's how it is with friendship. Sometimes that can happen with friendship. In fact, maybe you can even look back at past relationships or friendships that you have, and you're like, that was so fun, but then it slowly began to just there's some distance and a little bit of cold shoulder, and things began to rot. I would venture to say what we're gonna talk about here might be the problem in that friendship. Well, let's get into it. Wherever you are, thanks for joining us. Now here's Junior. And some of us are more concerned about being liked than we are about our friend being sharper. Iron sharpens iron, but if you're not intentional, iron will dull iron, which is you. In the context of friendships, do you ever say anything challenging? It's like good stuff from Solomon, isn't it? But Solomon's not done. If you're flipping around with me, head to Proverbs chapter 3. Otherwise, I'll pull it up here on the screen. I love this. I just learned something new from this. I want to show you this. Proverbs chapter 3, verse 27. Solomon writes, do not withhold good from those whom it is due when it is in your power to do it. Well, that doesn't seem like a friendship verse, does it? At least that first read. I don't know if you listen to Between the Lines. We have a podcast at the bridge where we read scripture every morning, kind of make comments on it. My dad and I do it together. And um, and at the end we always give, like, here's a proverb for today. And a couple months back, I think now this was the proverb for the day. And after we had gotten done recording, I said to my dad, I was like, What does this actually mean though? Because I've always thought do not withhold good means like if you can do good for somebody, don't like not do it. You should do good for them. And yeah, that's that's true. My dad's like, no, I think it more means encouragement. So I'm like, looking at it, I was like, I don't know, I think you're getting old. I don't think that that's what that means. And it's always fun to like prove your dad wrong. I've never done it, but I've heard it's a lot of fun. So I've like, I'm gonna dive in and like and and prove him wrong. So I I dove in and like, nope, turns out he was right because the Hebrew word, and I think this is so cool, the Hebrew word for good here is Tov. Now maybe that means nothing to you, but have you ever heard of Mazletov? Cheers, black-eyed peas, anyone? Mazletov? Tov is the word for good. It says joyous approval. In fact, when God created the world, Genesis tells us that that God said it was Tov, that God said it was good, just like this joyous celebration. And so Solomon here is using it to say, don't you dare withhold joyous celebration, Mazltav, from someone who deserves it. And he's giving us a second question Are you a friend who celebrates instead of compares? Because it's one or the other. You do you do one of the other with every single friend you have. You either celebrate them or you compare. And sometimes it's both. And in a social media-driven world, we tend to compare. And someone says, nah, stay out of all that. You go celebrate people. You want to be a good friend? Celebrate your friends. Be really good at throwing them parties. Now, our tendency is to compare. So I people, you ever notice this people struggle to have friendships outside of their social economic status? Why? Because there's just less to compare. If we're pretty similar, we're just less to compare. But sometimes you'll see, like in a group of friends, one person will kind of pull out ahead, they'll get a better job, or earning power will go up. And you'll see, not always, but a lot of times that friend group will then withdraw. Because being their friend is just kind of a reminder of what of what we don't have. Now they're up, now they're up ahead. We we don't want to be close to that because it doesn't make us feel good. She's skinnier, he makes more, his wife seems more capable, bigger ring, better, better car, nicer house. That doesn't feel good, so we just kind of naturally back away. Are you a friend who celebrates others, Mazatov? Or you compare. Solomon here is saying it's one or the other. Celebrate them. Don't withhold a Tov, even if it makes you feel like they pulled out ahead. Now it's then that we can think, oh man, I don't know. Junior, if you're telling me I need to go celebrate this person at work, it's not gonna be sincere. What do you mean it's not gonna be sincere? Well, I won't feel it. Oh, so you have to feel it to be sincere? Did she get the job you wanted? Yeah. It's why you're struggling with her. Don't withhold a tough. Did he do a good job? Yeah. Doesn't she look good in that dress? Of course. Telling them isn't being insincere. It's true. Celebrating them is telling your heart, hey, we celebrate, we don't compare. It's a guy like that. So there's a guy on staff, um, Mark Shoemaker. I don't know if you know who uh Mark is such a good dude. I don't even know if he sins. I mean, he's just like, he's like uh just a really good guy. He came into my office a few months ago and he told me that he um he gotten a deal with a publisher. And the publisher that he made a deal with was the publisher that turned me down. You know how that feels? That's like asking a girl to homecoming, she says no to you, and then she goes off with Mark. So, like in the moment, I'm like, you know, I'm like putting on the face, like, dude, that's that's awesome, like so excited for you. And then when he left the the up my office, there's like this, this I'm just it's in my own sin. I'm just being completely candid, like in my own sin. And for just like a split second, I was like, how come Mark? Why did I get rejected? Why are you going out with Mark and not with me? And I'm kind of feeling, and then and then right then I'm so glad. It's like the Holy Spirit said, Come on, like, celebrate him. Like, honestly, in reality, like Mark's a better dude than me. Like, this is good. This is good for him, this is good for his family, this is good for the publisher, this is good for the kingdom of God. Like, this is something to Mazel Tava should be like celebrate him. And I have been, and in reality, honestly, I'm saying this legitimately, I think I'm more excited about Mark's book coming out than Mark is excited about his own book coming out. It's just telling your heart, like, we don't, we don't compare, we don't do that, we celebrate others. Because if you don't, this is when envy kicks in. And Solomon later wrote, envy rots the bones. A lot of friendships, a lot of churches fail. The culprit is envy. And for some of us, this is your biggest problem. And the scariest part is we never see it in the mirror. You never see anybody in a testimony video up on the screen or in a small group come up and say, you know, I think my biggest problem in life is I'm just really envious. I just compare myself to everybody else, and I'm very envious of them. We don't say that, but honestly, that's that's most people's biggest problem. You don't like that they pulled out ahead, you don't like that they're doing well, you don't like that they got what you wanted, you don't like that that they're at where you're not, they get that attention, they get more opportunity, they have that friend, and you fight that feeling because initially you know it's wrong, but then it just kind of comes back, so you begin to excuse it over and over. And this is why Solomon says, stop all that, just go muzzle toff them, go celebrate them. Oh, but Junior, that would kill me. They got the job I wanted. Yeah, part of you will die when you celebrate them, but it's the envy that's dying in you, giving way for something more healthy to take hold. And if I'm getting a little too personal now, just know I'm preaching to myself. This is one of the reasons I struggled in friendships for so long, because I'm a competitive guy. I'm pretty competitive, and that can be a strength, but your greatest strength when pushed out of balance also becomes your greatest weakness. And so I can just compete with all my friends. I just want to compare to them. And so if something good would happen to a friend and they pulled out ahead of me and a 12 was due, I either withdrew from them or I had to flex to show my accomplishments to let them know I'm still worth being your friend? No. That's my own insecurities. And I don't think I'm the only one, am I? How about you? When a friend, coworker, family member has that accomplishment, that promotion, their earning power goes up, new house, new car. Are your is your first instinct? Hey, that's awesome. Joyous celebration. Or are you one to just be like, eh, and then you go home, it's like poking holes and excusing it just to make yourself feel better? Do you sharpen? Do you muzzle dov? Then jump to verse 3, Proverbs chapter 3. He continues on. He says, Let not steadfast love and faithfulness forsake you, bind them around your neck, rate them on the tablet of your heart. Again, vivid imagery. Solomon's a great writer, he's sparking the imagination. But what is he saying? Steadfast love, faithfulness. You can say loyalty. Take it everywhere you go. Wear it as a necklace. I have a bracelet. Each of the guys in my accountability circle, we have we have one. And there's a capsule on the bracelet with a scroll inside, and on the scroll is written a verse that means something to me. So every time I see that capsule, I'm just I'm reminded of I'm reminded of that verse. On my chest, I have uh Yeshua. Each time I see it, it's just like reminds me, my heart belongs to Jesus. It's like this constant reminder. This is the idea, this is the picture that Solomon is painting here. That those characteristics, that love, that faithfulness, that loyalty, that characteristic, man, bind around your neck, wear it on your heart, you be that person. He continues, and then look what happens. So you will find favor and good success in the sight of God, but also in men. Now that's a massive statement if you think about it. Like how we approach our horizontal relationships, the kind of friend that I am, the loyalty that I display, the love that I have, the tubs that I give, the faithfulness that I have toward people in my life that God has put in my life, not only does that impact my friendships, but that also impacts my vertical relationship with the Almighty. And in this, Solomon is giving us, or third question to consider are you a friend who is looking to love more than be loved? Are you looking to be loved? Are you looking to love?

SPEAKER_00 9:58

You're listening to The Bridge with Junior Ziegler. We'll get back to Junior in a moment. We want to tell you about one of his books, The Manual. If you're a man or raising a man, married to a man, maybe dating a man, there's a lot of confusion around what real manhood actually is. In the manual, Junior cuts through the noise. Both the over-the-top macho stuff and the politically correct definitions, and he gets to the raw core of manhood. He exposes the toxic masculinity for what it really is. Not manhood at all. This book is simple, honest, powerful, and it might just change how you view men, strength, and leadership. We'd love to send you a copy of the manual. Just visit juniorziglar.com and give a gift of any amount towards this show, and we'll send it to you. That's junior Z I E G L E R. Now let's get back to Junior's message.

SPEAKER_01 10:49

We live in a culture that's becoming more and more network driven instead of relational driven. Not that networking is bad. Though networking events are pretty lame, aren't they? Anybody ever go to like networking events for work? I've never been to one, but I've seen them. I went to a restaurant one time with a buddy, and uh they like closed down half the restaurant, and we thought it was like gonna be a speed dating thing. So, like, oh I'll stick around for this. This is gonna be fun. And then it was uh it's even worse. It was uh it was a bunch of lawyers, a networking event for lawyers. I'm gonna make fun of lawyers, I have lawyers in my family, but like it was just like all these lawyers that were just like one-upping each other and competing, and it was pretty awkward. But but you need that, you need networking. Like in business, you know the power of networks. Good networks they yield customers, good networks yield better hires, they yield they yield better sales. But if you think about it for a second, how do people approach networking? Like if you and I, if we were to walk into a networking event, we would walk in with like a game plan. It's like, I need to talk to so-and-so, I need to score this business, I need to score this partnership, and then we go in and we we sell ourselves. A networking event is a success if we walk out having accomplished our goals. We got what we came for. Now it's fine for business, whatever. Problem is, is it's really easy then to approach our friendships with that same mindset. I'm gonna approach my friendships. I'm looking for friends that will do something to my social status. But according to Proverbs, our approach to friendships is the exact opposite of our approach to networking. That we go into friendships thinking, how can I love? How can I put them before me? And maybe this seems like, okay, Junior, this seems way too simplistic. Like you should be talking to bridge kids right now. Maybe it seems simplistic. I don't think we're very good at this. It's like months ago, I uh met with a couple in their 60s. Nobody knows who this is. Actually, this I think this is years ago now. Um, though I've had this conversation dozens of times over the last decade. Older couple, um, been in and out of churches for half a century. They sit down and they're they're pretty bothered, they're upset, and um it's like, what's up? And they said, Well, nobody talks to us in church. Okay, like tell me more. Like, well, what is there to tell you, Junior? Before church, greeters say hi to us, but that's their job. And then after church, nobody comes up to us, so we just leave. Now I didn't say this, but I'm thinking, like, man, come on, 50 years in scripture, you're just you're too mature to think this way. That's approaching church like a networking event. I've honestly never left church wondering who talked to me. I've only ever left church thinking, did I miss anyone? Like, God just blessed uh our community with a crowd in the lobby. Was I asking questions? Was I praying for people? Was I trying to meet people? Because that's what scripture calls us to do. And it's not just church. I had this conversation like just a couple weeks ago with my daughter. I asked her how her day was. She got in the truck after school, you know, asked her how it was. She's like, not great. Like, oh, why? And she felt left out of a situation, which is like par for the course for school sometimes. So we've all been there. And so, of course, I gave her my shoulder, you know, I listened to her. But dad's not gonna dull her. And so I said, baby, listen, the quality of your day is never determined by how you were loved by other people. That's not, you can't control that. The quality of your day is determined by how much you were able to love other people. And my heart for my daughters are that they don't turn out like that 60-year-old only couple ticked off that nobody talks to them. But yet, if we're not careful, all of us can easily drift over there. And that's what Solomon is getting at here. Someone who is driven by steadfast love and faithfulness, they're not caught up into like, who what am I getting out of this relationship? Are they putting in as much as I'm putting into this? Who's talking to me? Was I invited? No, their vision is far greater because they're doing for others what God has done for them. Because if you think about it, if you look at these questions, and hopefully you wrote them down, but if you just look at these questions, God did and does each one of these for us. God approached us not looking to get anything from us. I mean, we offer nothing to a holy, magnificent, majestic, Almighty God. We bring absolutely nothing to the table. Yet God took on flesh to actively love us, which led him to picking up our cross, dying our death. He walked out of his tomb so that he could shower blessing upon blessing upon blessing on us for all of eternity. Jesus tells in Luke chapter 15 that when one of us turns to God, heaven throws a muzzletov, heaven throws a party. God doesn't withhold a tov from us, he rejoices when we turn to him and he showers blessing on you. And as we enjoy his blessing, he rejoices. He cares so deeply for all of us that he's written and preserved the very word of God that sharpens us. If we read it right, it sharpens us, it wounds us in the best of ways. He's placed us in this messy community in order to sharpen us even more. Like each of these questions, God did and does and will do for us. And if we follow him, our relationships with each other must reflect his relationship with us. This is just too big of a deal to dismiss as, well, this is kind of elementary. It's not at all. Look, over the years, I've spoken on friendships many times. And up until this weekend, my messages have always been framed in, especially with like high school, is to be like, hey, find the right friend, find a friend who pushes you instead of pulls you, find this friend, find that friend, find this friend. And that's fine, like whatever. But going into this weekend, I thought maybe that's why I struggle with friendships growing up. Just always looking to find the right kind of friend for me. Not so worried about being the right kind of friend for other people. A friend who sharpens, a friend who talves, a friend who loves without looking for anything in return. It's like my mom used to uh quote a poem to me when I was little. I just never listened to her. Because when you're in middle school, somebody quotes a poem to you. I mean, I don't know if you really listen much, but I kind of wish I did now. Not kinda, I really do wish I listened to her because it it is good and it would have helped me out a lot when I was that age. She quote, I went out to find a friend, but none was found. I went out to be a friend and friends were all around. It's pretty good. I wish I would have listened to that. And listen, I'm not taking away from the pain that you've experienced when it comes to friendships. I have that too. But I will say, the more we shift our mindset to being the right kind of friend, the less we care about that which we can't control. Like that, I'd love to, just to finish. I'd love to read a story. I've read this story before. So if you've heard it, get over it. Um I joke, sort of. I I just I love a good story. I don't know if we ever outgrow being read a story. As kids, we always loved a good bedtime story. Remember that. I remember my dad would read The Hardy Boys when I was a little. Anybody remember The Hardy Boys? Okay. More people remember know the Hardy Boys than Chris Stapleton. That's really interesting to me. Um Hardy Boys is like these high school boys that would uh solve crimes. And and my dad would read it to us, and anytime he thought that we weren't listening, he would just then make up something in the story. So he'd be like, The Hardy Boys got in the van, and then a shot rang out and they fell down dead. And we'd be like, No, dad, that's how it happened. He was just kind of like fun memories when he would read us bedtime stories. But now, as adults, like nobody ever reads a story to us. Like, when's the last time somebody read a story to you? And I guess maybe that'd be weird. So I was like, Can I read a story? I'm gonna read you a story anyways. It's a story written by a mom. And she writes this. She writes, My little Timothy was a shy, quiet boy. One day he came home and told me that he'd like to make a Valentine for everyone in his class. And my heart sank. I thought, I wish he wouldn't do that. Because I had watched the children when they walked home from school, and my Timothy was always behind the group by himself. They laughed and hung on to each other and talked with each other, but my Timothy was never included. Nevertheless, I decided I'd go along with my son on this, so I purchased the paper and the glue and the crayons for Valentine's. That's when a shot rang out and I fell down dead. No, joke. I'm just making sure you're listening. She writes, for three weeks, each evening, Timothy painstakingly made 35 Valentines. He did his homework on each child and personalized each Valentine based on what that child liked. From Timothy, made by Timothy. Well, Valentine's Day dawned, and Timothy was beside himself with excitement. It's the Valentine's Day card exchange, and he had worked very hard on this. Carefully stacked them up and he put them in his bag and bolted out the door. I decided to bake him his favorite cookies and serve them nice and warm with a cool glass of milk when he came home from school. I just I just knew that he would be disappointed, and maybe that would ease the pain of the rejection a little bit. It hurt me to think that he wouldn't get many Valentines. I mean, how terrible would it be if he got none at all? Well, that afternoon I had the cookies and the milk on the table, and when I heard the kids outside, I looked out the window, and sure enough, there they came, laughing and having the best of time. And as always, there was Timothy a little bit behind them, lagging behind by himself. He walked a little faster than usual today. I fully expected him to burst into tears as soon as he got inside. As he got closer, I noticed that his arms were empty. And when the door opened, I choked back my tears. Well, honey, I have some cookies and milk for you, he said. But he hardly heard my words. He just kept saying to himself, not a one. Not a one. My heart sank. He didn't get one. But then I noticed a huge smile on his face when he added, I didn't forget anyone. I didn't forget a single one. That's the heart of friendship that Solomon is getting at here. And I know you might feel have some like real pain, some felt friendship pain, and that does hurt. It can be a deep pain. And I wish, I so wish that I could stand up here and say things in such an eloquent way that the pain just dissolves. I mean, I wish I could just take that from you. But just go be the best dang friend you can be. Sharpen those around you, whoever God puts in your life, sharpen them. Mazzletov. Throw them parties when they succeed. Look to love at every opportunity. And those times when you feel like you're just giving more than you're getting, you're gonna feel that, especially if you do this right. If you do friendship right, you're gonna feel like you give more than you get. You're taking an interest in them, the love you extend, the help you give, it's not being reciprocated. But in those times you feel that, just know you reflect your Father in heaven. And there is deep joy in that to live the gospel in our friendships. That we love others because he first loved us. We don't love others because of what we get in return. We love because he first loved us. And you might not be invited into certain circles, groups, or cliques, whatever. Shin up. Through Jesus, you are invited to God Almighty, and the more we embrace that, the less we care about the cheaper invites.

SPEAKER_00 21:19

You're listening to The Bridge with Junior Ziggler. That was part two of Junior's sermon, Making Friends, part of our proverb series. And Junior, as always, so practical, so helpful. And this isn't an easy one. And I you talked a little bit about it in the sermon itself, but this wasn't always the easiest thing for you either, growing up.

SPEAKER_01 21:36

No, and I think we can all feel that at some level, but yeah, I got into a little bit in the message, but I was more of a loner in middle school and high school, and I tended to almost victimize myself for that of like, oh, you know what? You remember this, you know, people don't understand me. And the music I was listening to certainly didn't help because I'm not sure. You were totally in all the emo stuff. Absolutely, but um more of a little bit of a loner. And And again, I would victimize myself with that. But looking back on my friendships now in middle school and high school, I actually had some really good people around me and some good friends around me. But I think I allowed my envy to rot the relationship. And that's kind of difficult to admit. But I would say that a lot of us have that was some sort of friendship, relationship, maybe even family relationship, where we look back, we're like, this isn't healthy. And I'm I think it's because of my envy. And it it's hard to take a good, solid look at yourself.

SPEAKER_00 22:34

I think there's a lot of people that are right there. What would you say to them though? And for people, and I know we talked about you got to celebrate them and instead of being envious. But what if people are like, I don't really feel like celebrating them? What would you say to people listening who are like, I don't believe it. Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_01 22:50

And I've heard people say that too before like, oh, I know I should celebrate them instead of be envious. But if I celebrate them, it's it's a lie. It's a lie. It's not gonna be. I don't mean it. Yeah. I'm not being authentic. Exactly. And it's like, no, you are. It's just you telling your heart, like, hey, we're not gonna be envious, and we're gonna celebrate. And that little part of you that kind of dies when you begin to celebrate that other person, that's the envious part of you that's dying. Yeah, and it is a very healthy thing.

SPEAKER_00 23:13

And it is true. That's why you're envious. Yeah. Because whatever you're envious about is true about what it is. So you don't necessarily have to feel like you're super excited to celebrate and say it, but doing it changes your heart, which is what you got at you obey and you allow your feelings to then follow.

SPEAKER_01 23:28

And so I just want to ask you looking at some of those friendships that maybe haven't worked out, maybe friendships that you wish worked out, can you take an honest look at yourself and really ask yourself was there any envy in that relationship on my side of things? And what's it gonna look like to kill that envy and begin to celebrate moving forward?

SPEAKER_00 23:48

That alone has the power to absolutely change your friendships. So good. Always good to be with you, Junior. Can't wait for the next time. You've been listening to The Bridge with Junior Ziggler, a listener-supported broadcast. Junior's the lead teaching pastor at the Bridge in Chicagoland, and we're so thankful that you joined us today. As we told you earlier, we'd love to send you a copy of Junior's book, The Manual. Whether you're a man, you're raising a man, married to a man, dating a man, this book cuts through all the noise and it gets to the raw core of manhood. All you have to do is jump on Junior's website, juniorziggler.com, and give a gift of any amount towards this show, and we'll send it right to you. While you're there, you'll also find some great resources like today's message, all of Junior's books and podcasts, plus a link to our church, The Bridge. If you're in the Chicagoland area, we'd love to see you at one of our services. Again, that's juniorziggler.com, junior z-i e-g l-r dot com. Thanks for listening, and we'll see you next time. The bridge with junior ziggler is a production of the Bridge Community Church, a multi-campus church in Chicago.