Anger | Part 1

Proverbs 22:24 | Part 1 | Do you keep a record of everything wrong that's happened in your life? You may think it's harmless, but you're always one spark away from blowing up in anger. What's the cure for all the unresolved tension you're holding onto?

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:06

The solemn says here, don't get too close because that's going to become your operating system. Friendship with an angry person, not a good idea. If you can help it, don't work with them. Don't hire them. Certainly don't give them leadership because they have a way of blowing up teams and burning bridges, and you will either catch it or their blow-ups will singe your reputation.

SPEAKER_00 0:30

You're listening to The Bridge with Junior Ziegler. Junior's the lead teaching pastor at the bridge in Chicagoland. Junior, we are talking about a hot button issue. Pun intended. We're talking about anger today.

SPEAKER_01 0:42

Yeah, yeah. Yep. And you know, when we think of anger, we tend to think of people who blow up. And that's anger for sure. But you know what's just as deadly of anger as when people clam up and they give the cold shoulder. That's just as deadly of anger. And so when we talk about anger today, let's also have that lens of it's not just people who just lose it. That's bad. It's also people who they just hold on to it. It's kind of like uh this morning, I was it was kind of a blustery day this morning. And so I have a wood stove in my house that I love. It's my precious wood stove. And I went outside, you know, it's spring right now, and I picked up all the sticks from the winter, and I made a big pile of kindling in my wood stove. But it took about a good solid five minutes to just kind of walk around and grab a bunch of kindling before the fire that is now raging in my wood stove. But that is what so many of us have done this last month, week, year, maybe even decade and longer, as we go throughout life and we pick up little annoyances, we pick up little things that bother us, and then some of us explode with like a big old fire, some of us then clam up, and it's still just as deadly. We're gonna talk about that today.

SPEAKER_00 1:54

We're gonna start asking some honest questions from Proverbs that help us examine just that. How much kindling have you put into that fire? That's right. Wherever you are, thanks for joining us. Now here's Junior.

SPEAKER_01 2:06

So in a few hours, I'm gonna load my daughters into my truck and head up to my mother-in-law's. Uh I get along with her pretty well. So much so I'm actually we're going up without Nicole. Nicole's just been difficult lately, so I said fine, I'm going to your mom's. And uh, no, Nicole, Nicole's to work. She's gonna meet us up there. But um, we're going up because Nicole used to work at a horse camp um when she's in high school, and our girls now go to uh go to that horse camp. But it's it's out in the country, it's near where I grew up. And I love going there. Before I arrived, my mother-in-law today will have gone out and bought my favorite Wisconsin groceries waiting for me. It's just like it's it's the best. And she's widowed, she has no son. So when I go up there, I try to knock out some like projects, you know, yard work and some small fixes and things like that. But last summer, around this time, I was up there and I noticed her burn pile was quite large on her property. And I don't know if you know what a burn pile is, it's not really like a thing around here, but out in the country when tree branches fall or leaves get raked up, um you you like put it into a pile and the city doesn't come and get it because, well, there's no city. And so you pile it up and the leaves and the dead branches and the sticks, and then you you burn it and you invite friends over for like, hey, I'm having a fire, you want to come? And it's like it's a lot of fun. When I moved down here, I was like struck because somebody had said, Hey, you want to come over for a fire? And I came over, it's like two logs. Like, what is this? Like I was used to the, I was used to like the big fires. But I noticed her burn pile was not just big, it was pretty massive. A storm had recently taken down a few trees, and and so it's just like this big pile of dry kindling. And so I told her, I said, Oh, mom, I could burn that. And between you and me, like I could not wait to burn this thing. I'm a bit of a pyro. I just I love making fires. And she was nervous because she's known me since I was in high school and she knows that I can be a little reckless sometimes. And so she goes, Yeah, I don't know. Junior's kind of a big pile. I was like, Mom, come on, I got this. Late afternoon, I walked out there with a lighter and I looked at that towering pile of kindling and I lit that sucker up. It was incredible. Within minutes, that fire was blazing. I'd never been this close, like that big, that big of a fire. It was absolutely awesome. Problem was the pile was 10 feet from her garage. So then I started to get worried because her garage siding began to droop. It was, it was melting. And so I grabbed like a little garden hose and I just stood there like trying to trying to spray the thing. It was absolutely, I mean, it's a garden hose, it's doing nothing. Neighbors are stepping out and just watching. Uh, two old farmers cracked open a cold one at the top of the hill and just sat there watching me fight this thing with a garden hose. Luckily, I got it under control, but the fire melted the side of her garage. Like the siding was all jacked up. And my pride said, like, you can't have like neighbors driving by and laughing at her every time they drive by. And so as the sun went down and the embers simmered, I resided her garage. Now, did I learn my lesson? Absolutely not. I'm gonna try to do it tomorrow again. It was awesome. But it did get me thinking, like, how many of us, how many of us do we have burn piles? Like, I bet that you have a burn pile, not an actual like pile of sticks and leaves, but I bet that you have a pile of kindling that you walked in here with, a pile of kindling in your heart, a burn pile of maybe some hurt, some things that have happened to you in the in the past, past relationship that felt kind of burned by, or that job that you felt like it really burned you. And you take that kindling, that hurt, that bitterness, and then you just hold on to it. You got some bitterness, you got some resentment. And if we were to actually like sit down and talk through all of that, maybe just like you and I, probably pretty emotional. And so instead of unpacking that and addressing that, what we tend to do is we tend to just kind of let it pile up. Problem is, a pile of dry kindling is very easy to set off, which some of us is just true of, right? The littlest spark can kind of set you into a roaring fire. You know anyone like that? It's like they can just, I mean, they can explode and you kind of walk on eggshells around them because you're not quite sure what's really gonna send them off into a raise uh roaring blaze of fire. They're living with this massive pile of kindling in their heart. Others of us, we don't blow up, instead, we clam up. We're not as comfortable showing a lot of emotion, especially anger emotion. And so we do something different. It's just as damaging, um, if not more. But we too, we collect kindling. You know, that hurt me. I'm holding on to that, didn't like this, you said that, you did that, I'm holding on to all of this, big pile of kindling, but I don't feel comfortable blowing up emotionally. So instead, I'm just gonna distance myself from you. I'm gonna write people off. And people like this struggle with long-term friendships, struggle with close friendships, uh, they struggle with intimacy because uh they just struggle to be known because there's this pile of kindling all around them. But whether you blow up or clam up, it's all the same. It's all anger. And whether you have a reputation of being angry or not, I venture to say you came in here holding out of some kindling, and today we're gonna allow God's word to address each of it. It's gonna hurt, but it's what we do around here. We're in Proverbs chapter 22. Proverbs 22 is page 515 in the Bibles and the chairs. If you're grabbing one of those Bibles, but Proverbs chapter 22 is where we're at. Well, as the lens of scripture zooms into Proverbs chapter 22, a Middle Eastern gust sweeps through the corridors of the palace. And it's here where we find King Solomon as he walks from a public room to his private chambers. The breeze is welcomed, especially after a crowded meeting that he just left. It's hard not to be overwhelmed with the amount of activity that guides this golden age. There's new alliances with this with different lands, uh, trade is booming. There's the building project of the temple, which required importing timber, there's metal crafting, there's masonry, there's architects to meet with, there's craftsmen to instruct, there's battalions to train, there's allies to maintain, there's enemies to keep an eye on. And the only way that Solomon can even sort of juggle all of this is finding the right leaders to lead each of those ventures. And no doubt much of Solomon's headspace is taken up with finding the right people. And as he interviews potential project managers and potential generals and potential ambassadors, Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived, had some criteria for who he was looking for and what he was looking for and who. And I think some of that criteria escaped through his pen when he wrote this: Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man. Well, why? He says, Because you'll learn his ways. Now that's interesting. What's Solomon's saying here at the last bit? He's saying anger is very contagious. And maybe you felt this, or maybe this is your experience growing up. Maybe you grew up in a home where things escalated very quickly, bouts of hot anger. It wasn't uncommon for raised voices or biting words or just like these complete meltdowns. And it slowly became your operating system because as a child, and you didn't do this intentionally, but as a child, you learned the way to get your way often is through anger. And so I can use anger to manipulate. So Solomon says here, don't get too close because that's going to become your operating system. Friendship with an angry person, not a good idea. If you can help it, don't work with them. Don't hire them. Certainly don't give them leadership because they have a way of blowing up teams and burning bridges, and you will either catch it or their blow-ups will singe your reputation. Now, Solomon is so ahead of his time on all this. Because we can we can look at this right now, today, we can think like, I don't know, this is this makes sense. Um, good reminder, but like this is kind of common knowledge here. You have to understand during this time, ancient leadership was like the louder, the angrier, the stronger one tended to win out. Like intimidation was very normal, it's pretty much just expected. And yet Solomon, who at this point is his life is far more successful than any other world leader, doesn't want anger on any part of his leadership team. So at this time, what we're reading, this is like absolutely foreign. Now, today, today we know progress, creativity, trust. It all happens in the space of reason, like calm environments, they're actually more efficient. Studies show that kids who grow up in angrier households, maybe this is you, or adults who work in more angrier environments, they have elevated levels of cortisol. It messes with their sleep, there's higher blood pressure, and then productivity plummets. We know today, scientifically, that it's the space of reason and trust where productivity efficiency happens. So it makes sense for Solomon to say, hey, don't ride with people who have a lot of kindling. Unlike every other nation, I'm not giving leadership to those who are very quick to anger. Now, let's spin this for a second. Just for fun. Actually, this won't be fun at all, but we're gonna spin it anyways. It is so easy, so easy to read this verse. And maybe this is you, because this is me. Just thinking, like, okay, got it. Make no friendship, be careful around people who blow up or clam up who are bitter. Like, don't hitch my eye wagon to people who have a lot of bitterness, got it. Alright, it's great. But the real question is, are you this person? Am I this person? Because we tend to read this, we can think like some names pop up. Like, ah, should probably be more careful around them. They have a lot of bitterness, there's a lot of anger there. But would anybody ever read this verse and think of you? Have other people been on the receiving end of your blowing up or you're clamming up? And then, and this is only getting worse. I'm sorry, you can be angry at me later. It's here we can be guilty of then answering this too quickly and justifying, like, okay, yeah, that happened, that came to mind, but uh junior, I'm not that bad. It's like, well, then why did it come to mind? Like, yeah, I alright, I raised my voice, but I'm harmless, not an angry person. So this isn't me. Well, then who is it? I don't think anybody would like read this verse and be like, oh, shoot, that yep, that's me. But Solomon is like talking about someone here. Could he at some level, could you be the person he's talking about?

SPEAKER_00 12:14

You're listening to The Bridge with Junior Ziggler. We'll get back to Junior in a moment. We want to tell you about one of his books, The Manual. If you're a man or raising a man, married to a man, maybe dating a man, there's a lot of confusion around what real manhood actually is. In the manual, Junior cuts through the noise. Both the over-the-top macho stuff and the politically correct definitions, and he gets to the raw core of manhood. He exposes the toxic masculinity for what it really is. Not manhood at all. This book is simple, honest, powerful, and it might just change how you view men, strength, and leadership. We'd love to send you a copy of the manual. Just visit juniorziglar.com and give a gift of any amount towards this show, and we'll send it to you. That's junior z Ig L E R dot com. Now let's get back to Junior's message.

SPEAKER_01 13:05

So here's what we're gonna do. Heads up, this is gonna be this is gonna continue to be the worst sermon you've ever heard. This is this is gonna sting. Partly because we've we've got to sift through some burn piles. And when you do that, there can be some strong emotion tied to that. So the reason that we hold on to it, because we're emotionally tied to it. So in this next bit, you're gonna be you're gonna be tempted to start making some excuses of like, yeah, but this is different. Yeah, there's more to it. I want you to battle that. Because if we can take Solomon's advice here and just invite here and just press into this, we might leave this place with less kindling in position to experience life in a far better, far better way and experience the blessing of God in a far better way. But that can only happen if we're if we're humble and we're okay with some painful dinging. And so here's the plan. Like any doctor's office, you know, you go into the doctor's office and they first start the checkup going through that whole list of questions. We're gonna start with just a whole list of questions. Four questions from Proverbs just to kind of get you thinking at where's your burn piling? What does your burn piling entail? Number one, first question to kind of identify that is first off, let's just start with the most basic. We've already hit this, but are you holding on to anything? Are you holding on to anything? When I was in high school, I worked on a farm and the farmer owned a landscaping company, and I would drive his bobcat around and move trees and mulch. And uh, I'm pretty sure it was illegal because I had no certification for this equipment, but farmers are awesome. And part of my job though was that in the bobcat, I had this like clipboard of the farmer's inventory. It's just like, all right, 50 cherry trees over here. We got this much cedar mulch, we've got this this much rock. And so as I loaded materials off trucks, I would just like add that to my list, which is a good business practice. I mean, Proverbs 27 says, know well the condition of your flock, know it's coming in and out. It's a great business practice, but it's a terrible personal practice. And yet many of us, this is what we do. We have this inventory list of what people have done. We might not write it down, but we certainly remember it. And we remember it well. It's partly why our society really struggles with mental health today, because we have all these mental, mental inventory lists of okay, boss said this, gonna remember that. I'm picking up this coworker slack. That friend did not come through on that. That sibling isn't taking care of mom as much as I am. And so we have this whole list. And at first, the inventory list it seems natural, but what happens is we begin to see people, we begin to see life and relationships through that inventory list. And so I have a longer wick with Wendy because, you know, Wendy's good, and Wendy really helped me out on that. I have a shorter wick with Tom because, well, he's Tom, he's lazy. And rarely do we ever see it, but this internal list that we have, it turns you into this person you never want to be. Very on edge, very, very critical, uh, bitter, very judgmental. But here's a good test to see if you're holding on to some things. Is there someone in your life where no matter what they can do, they're probably not going to win with you? Anything they do, anything they say, it just kind of grates on you. And so when they say that or when they do that, even if it sounded nice or it looks like they're doing a nice thing, you're kind of thinking, nah, there's probably more to that though, because I know who they are. Maybe you work with them, maybe they're an in-law. It's like you they just cannot win. That's a good sign that you're holding on to quite a bit of stuff. Proverbs 14, 10 says, the heart knows its own bitterness. No stranger shares its joy. And I wonder how many of us we struggle to maintain that long-term happiness that God offers us and have these deep friendships and these close family relationships because there's just some bitterness. And you really get at that inventory list. And deep down, though you'd never admit this, the inventory list matters more to you than people matter. Now I've I've heard of people really justifying their inventory list. I've justified my own inventory list. But I've heard people say things like, Well, okay, yeah, I I I have some things on that person, but I I just have a really high justice value. Like, okay, it's great. So does God. Does God cold shoulder you? Does God blow up at you? Does God cut you off? No. So why can you? Or I've heard people say things like, Well, no, it's just I'm really discerning. No, you're judgmental. Discerning is distinguishing between right and wrong, good and bad. When you write people off, you're not seeing the good in them. So that's not discerning. That's that's judgmental. It's bitterness. You're holding on to things, and bitterness only corrodes the container in which it's kept. And so the kindling that we hold on to, that's a parasite that infects your entire spirit, including your joy. It will, it will rot you, it will rot your home, it'll rot your team, it'll rot your future. I told you this is terrible, and we're just getting started. Question number two Are you an escalator? Are you an escalator? And here's what I mean by that. There are some people, and and I'm sure some faces will come to mind right now, some people where it's like every little thing is like this big deal. You know anyone like that? It's like they're freaking out. It's like, why are we freaking out right now? Because like this is not a big deal at all. I have a couple of middle schoolers in my house. Uh one is in middle school, one is almost in middle school. My seven-year-old has been in the middle school since she was two. And uh, and honestly, for the most part, our home is like a blast. People say, like, oh, that's like the worst age. You got girls, just wait for middle school. It's like, I don't know, we're having a lot of fun over here. But it's also the age where you learn like how to put things in perspective. Because in middle school, all of us were this way at some level. It's like we made big deals out of like some little things. And so there's this gesture that I've been finding myself making a lot as a dad lately. And that is, we're okay. Bring it down. Like, dad, Reese just dropkicked me. It's like, okay, all right. Trying to like teach them like, okay, we handle things down here. Like, yes, we need to address Reese dropkicking you, but we need to handle it down here. This is this is the space. We're all up here and all empty, high emotion. Like, nothing, nothing good is going to get done except harm. So we gotta like de-escalate. And I really do believe that one of the greatest signs of the Holy Spirit in someone is their ability to just de-escalate a situation in order to handle it in a healthy way. Proverbs 15:1 says, a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word just stirs up anger. He's talking about de-escalating a situation. A gentle answer. Now, it might not be the answer you want to hear, but it's delivered in gentleness. I was teaching our camp staff earlier this summer on some of this. But that when you allow, when you allow someone else's anger and you match their anger, that means you're giving them leadership. Okay, you're leading the conversation now because I'm gonna match the energy of you. It's like, no, no, don't let them lead. You stay down here. They can yell and they can get mad, but you're gonna stay down here and we're gonna have some gentle answers and we're gonna we're gonna deescalate. We're gonna have a high emotional intelligence. A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he was slow to anger quiets contention. Solomon knew the health of his empire was determined or really dependent on him putting the right leaders in place. The right leaders are ones who can de-escalate, not sweep things under the rug like cowards, but de-escalate in order to have a hard conversation, but we're gonna have it in good tones. In fact, it's been said that 90% of friction would simply be gone if we used the right tone. If we could just simply change the tones we talked in our homes to our spouses, with our kids, with our coworkers, with our siblings, 90% of friction could possibly de-escalate. You imagine that 90% of your friction in life could disappear if you just use the right tone. And so, how are you at de-escalating? How's your tone? How are you online? How are you when talking about the news?

SPEAKER_00 20:55

You're listening to The Bridge with Junior Ziegler. That was part one of Junior's sermon, Anger, part of our proverbs series. Junior, in the sermon you talked about, a lot of us can either blow up or clam up with our anger. Anger doesn't just look one-dimensional. So when it comes to you, how do you handle it? And you gotta be gonna be honest, I know you. I'm gonna call you out.

SPEAKER_01 21:13

Are we just here to like, you know, air junior's dirty laundry here? Listen, you gotta give you some what you want. Are you more of a blow up or clam up guy? Here's the thing, is is both for me, which is bad. Because I used to be more blow up as like a kid, and I knew that was wrong. I was like, okay, I gotta work on this. And so I swung the pendulum the other way, I would say. And like, all right, well then I'll just clam up. And then I learned, like, well, that's terrible for relationships in general. Neither one is better than the other. So sc scripture says, No, get rid of anger, put it put it away. But no, like with tools and things like that, I can be blow up. But with people, sometimes I just more clam up. It's not a healthy thing. It's bad. I've I've gotta I'm working on it. I'm working on it.

SPEAKER_00 21:56

I've seen you get pretty mad at your truck before.

SPEAKER_01 21:58

Oh yeah. Yeah. I I Yeah, absolutely. Working with tools in the truck, it's not a great thing sometimes. What about you though? Let's let's air Jordan's dirty laundry and not just junior's. Blow up reclamment.

SPEAKER_00 22:10

Is there a like a hand someone who handles it perfectly? Jesus Christ. Okay, I'm not there. Yeah. No, you're not. No, I you're right. It is pretty situational. With it honestly depends on the relationships that I feel closest to. Yeah. Sad to say, but those are the relationships that I think get the most brute of my anger. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:28

Well, you want to know why? Because they're close relationships and that's where you pick up kindling. Because you're always with them. You're closer to them. And when you're in a close relationship, again, whether it's like spousal or with kids, it feels safe. It's safer, but also because you're so close to them, you're just constantly picking up little kindling here and there. And so sometimes, not sometimes, a lot of times dealing with our anger like a blow up isn't just like, I can't just blow up here. Well, no, yeah, don't blow up. But get rid of the kindling. As you pick up kindling, get rid of it. Either, hey, I gotta forgive or I have to have a conversation about this, but I cannot hold on to this kindling. Otherwise, we're gonna blow up.

SPEAKER_00 23:03

So, Junior, there's a lot of people listening right now who have a lot of kindling, a lot of resentment that's been built up over years and years, and it's maybe even turned to some deep bitterness that's ruining the relationships. Where do they even start?

SPEAKER_01 23:15

I would start by taking an inventory. And again, maybe this is you, but take an inventory. What kindling have you been holding on to? What kindling have you been picking up? And what does it look like to get rid of that? For some of us, it's gonna look like I just gotta forgive. For others of us, it's I gotta have some tough conversations and still forgive, but I still have to address this and have some conversations and be honest. But forgiveness is what breaks the power of anger.

SPEAKER_00 23:39

Thanks for that, Junior. It's always good to be with you. Can't wait for the next time. Well, you have been listening to The Bridge with Junior Ziggler, a listener-supported broadcast. Junior is the lead teaching pastor at the bridge in Chicagoland, and we're so glad that you joined us today. As we told you earlier, we would love to send you a copy of Junior's book, The Manual. Whether you're a man, you're raising a man, married to a man, dating a man, this book cuts through the noise and gets to the raw core of manhood itself. All you have to do is jump on Junior's website, a juniorziggler.com, and give a gift of any amount towards this show, and we'll send it right to you. While you're there, you'll also find great resources like today's message, all of Junior's books and podcasts, plus a link to our church, The Bridge. If you're in the Chicagoland area, we'd love to see you at one of our services. That's juniorziggler.com, Junior Z-I-E-G L-E-R dot com. Again, that's juniorziggler.com, junior z-i-g L-E-R.com. Thanks for listening. See you next time. The bridge with Junior Ziggler is a production of the Bridge Community Church, a multicampus church in Chicago.