Anger | Part 2

Proverbs 22:24 | Part 2 | Do you keep a record of everything wrong that's happened in your life? You may think it's harmless, but you're always one spark away from blowing up in anger. What's the cure for all the unresolved tension you're holding onto?

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:05

When you write people off, you're not seeing the good in them, so that's not discerning, that's judgmental. Bitterness. You're holding on to things, and bitterness only corrodes the container in which it's kept.

SPEAKER_00 0:19

You're listening to The Bridge with Junior Ziggler. Junior is the lead teaching pastor at the bridge in Chicago, man. And Junior, today we're picking it back up in Proverbs, continuing the conversation about anger. Junior, something your dad said that's always stuck with me as a parent. He said there was a big study done of all the things that kids wanted to change about their parents. Yeah. The number one thing they'd want to change was their parents' anger. Specifically, their dad's anger. Isn't that wild?

SPEAKER_01 0:46

So it's not like strictness. Oh, I wish my parents were less strict, or you know, I could no curfew. I was, I just wish they were less angry. That's pretty sad. It takes a strong person to rule over that anger emotion. And which actually kind of reminds me of you. Remember in grade school? For me, I was always afraid of like those two or three kids in the grade school that were just angry. Like they'd fly off the handle. I was always so afraid of them because I thought they were strong. For some reason, I just I figured they were very strong because they're very angry, intimidating. They were pretty intimidating now that you say it. Yeah. But scripture says the opposite. Like, no, the people who are the the most strong are those who can rule over that emotion of anger. And how many of us are struggling with that right now? Whether clamming up, blowing up, or just holding on to that kindling as we talked about last time.

SPEAKER_00 1:37

Well, let's get into it. Let's look at how God helps us break patterns of anger and build different patterns for our futures. Wherever you are, thanks for joining us. Here's Junior.

SPEAKER_01 1:47

But I've heard people say things like, Well, okay, yeah, I I I have some things on that person, but I I just have a really high justice value. Like, okay, it's great. So does God. Does God cold shoulder you? Does God blow up at you? Does God cut you off? No. So why can you? Or I've heard people say things like, Well, no, it's just I'm really discerning. No. You're judgmental. Discerning is distinguishing between right and wrong, good and bad. When you write people off, you're not seeing the good in them. So that's not discerning. That's that's judgmental. It's bitterness. You're holding on to things, and bitterness only corrodes the container in which it's kept. So the kindling that we hold on to, that's a parasite that infects your entire spirit, including your joy. It will, it will rot you, it will rot your home, it'll rot your team, it'll rot your future. I told you this is terrible, and we're just getting started. Question number two Are you an escalator? Are you an escalator? And here's what I mean by that. There are some people, and and I'm sure some faces will come to mind right now, some people where it's like every little thing is like this big deal. You know anyone like that? It's like they're freaking out. It's like, why are we freaking out right now? Because like this is not a big deal at all. I have a couple of middle schoolers in my house. Uh, one is in middle school, one is almost in middle school. My seven-year-old has been in the middle school since she was two. And uh, and honestly, for the most part, our home is like a blast. People say, like, oh, that's like the worst age. You got girls, just wait for middle school. It's like, I don't know, we're having a lot of fun over here. But it's also the age where you learn like how to put things in perspective. Because in middle school, all of us were this way at some level. It's like we made big deals out of like some little things. And so there's this gesture that I've been finding myself making a lot as a dad lately. And that is, we're okay. Bring it down. Like, dad, Reese just dropkicked me. It's like, okay, all right. Trying to like teach them, like, okay, we handle things down here. Like, yes, we need to address Reese dropkicking you, but we need to handle it down here. This is this is the space. We're all up here, all empty, all emotion. Like, nothing, nothing good is going to get done except harm. So we gotta like de-escalate. And I really do believe that one of the greatest signs of the Holy Spirit in someone is their ability to just de-escalate a situation in order to handle it in a healthy way. Proverbs 15, 1 says, a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word just stirs up anger. He's talking about de-escalating a situation. A gentle answer. Now, it might not be the answer you want to hear, but it's delivered in gentleness. I was teaching our camp staff earlier this summer on some of this. But that when you allow, when you allow someone else's anger and you match their anger, that means you're giving them leadership. Okay, you're leading the conversation now because I'm gonna match the energy of you. It's like, no, no, don't let them lead. You stay down here. They can yell and they can get mad, but you're gonna stay down here and we're gonna have some gentle answers and we're gonna we're gonna deescalate. We're gonna have a high emotional intelligence. A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he was slow to anger quiets contention. Solomon knew the health of his empire was determined or really dependent on him putting the right leaders in place. The right leaders are ones who can de-escalate, not sweep things under the rug like cowards, but de-escalate in order to have a hard conversation, but we're gonna have it in good tones. In fact, it's been said that 90% of friction would simply be gone if we used the right tone. If we could just simply change the tones we talked in our homes to our spouses, with our kids, with our coworkers, with our siblings, 90% of friction could possibly de-escalate. You imagine that 90% of your friction in life could disappear if you just use the right tone. So, how are you at de-escalating? How's your tone? How are you when talking about the news? Number three, are you contentious? Now, candidly, again, we're all gonna want to answer like no to all these, but I'll just tell you from me, I can very much be this way. I still struggle with this ever since I was a kid. If you tell me I can't do something, that's all I want to do. When my mother-in-law told me I can't burn the burn pile, it's all I want to do the whole week. Last week at family camp, some of us were lighting off fireworks, and there was one firework that like sprayed a ton of fire and sparks into the air. And I joked, we were sitting around a fire. I joked, I was like, ah, we should run through that like a sprinkler. And my wife said, You would never do that. I was like, You kidding me? I absolutely would do that. She goes, No, you would never do that. And so, like a toddler, like a two-year-old, I stood up and said, I'm gonna do it. And then I ran through it. And I see my youngest doing the same thing. She gets it from me, and I get annoyed with her. I told her the other day, I was like, baby, you are you are a contrarian. She goes, What does that mean? It's it means you have to disagree with everything. She goes, I'm not. I said, Yes, you are. She said, I'm not a contrarian. I was like, yes, yes, you are. And that can be silly, it can be funny, but but there are some homes or some people, some workplaces, some marriages where it's just like contentious. It's like you can never just like just go with it. You've always got to disagree on everything. Isn't that exhausting? Like fighting and pushing over the dumbest of stuff. I don't do marriage counseling anymore. Sometimes I just want to tell like married couples, like, you guys are acting like children. Like, just stop. You don't have to argue about that. Uh, Marcus Aurelius is credited for writing, you don't have to turn this into something. I love that. You don't have to turn this into something. Some things you don't need to argue about. You don't need to fight over. Doesn't need to be discussed. Like it doesn't have to be a thing. But so often we get caught up in all the like the smallest dumb stuff. We've got to make it a thing. Proverbs 26, 20 says, for lack of wood, the fire goes out. It's like it doesn't have to be a thing. The fire just goes out. And where there is no whisper, quarreling ceases as charcoal to hot embers and wood to a fire. So is a quarrelsome man for kindling strife. And I wonder if you're a quarrelsome man. How many times are we just being quarrelsome? And often we are. I can be. I noticed this the other day with Nicole. I so I love my garage. I'm like an old man. I spent yesterday watering my lawn and organizing my garage. And uh, and in my garage, I have shelves and I took some old cigar boxes and I label them. So it's got like bolts in this one and screws in this one. I know I'm like totally an old man, but I love this. And uh one section of the shelf is for grilling utensils, one is for tools, you know, and the bikes get hung up over here. And the other day, uh Nicole was planting tomatoes, and I don't even know what she was planting, but she had like she had like some topsoil and she put the topsoil on the wrong shelf. And so I saw that when I walked in the garage and I was like, all right, well, I gotta go inside and correct her now. Like you're messing up the garage flow, babe. You don't put the dirt by the bolts. This isn't some free-for-all, you hippie. And then I thought, like, okay, well, why why do I why am I making this a thing? I'm just being quarrelsome. Like, it doesn't matter. The bolt, the dirt can be that by the bolts. It's like I love the meme. In every marriage, there's a spouse that loads the dishwasher like a Scandinavian architect, and then there's a spouse who loads the dishwasher like a monkey. And and I'm the monkey. And in good marriages, the architect just smiles at the monkey. Like it doesn't have to be a thing. But come on, how many marriages where it's like, why y'all fighting about the stupid dishwasher? Just like it doesn't have to be a thing. We do this all the time. We do this at work, we can do this at church, we can do this with marriage. It is exhausting. It's like so easy to make everything into a thing. It's like, I don't like that the boss has us doing. I don't like that my husband doesn't squeeze the end of the toothpaste, he squeezes in the middle. I don't like this sermon series. It's like, it doesn't matter. It doesn't have to be a thing. What does matter though is the contentious spirit that is killing you. And sometimes we just have to ask ourselves, like, not even ask ourselves, we just have to tell ourselves, who cares what I think? And sometimes that's just humbling. We're like, who cares what I think? I don't have to know the details. I don't have to, I haven't been in behind the scenes. I don't know everything. So this doesn't have to be a thing. And I guarantee the enemy, and there is a spiritual enemy, the enemy would love nothing more than for you and I to start picking all of these peripheral, dumb little fights, wasting our precious time here on earth on all these dumb fights instead of living for and focusing on what really matters. It's like a big part of boxing, a big part of really warfare in general, is just distracting the opponent with all these dumb little skirmishes, these dumb little fights, tiring them out so that you can then take them down when it matters. And for some of us, most of us maybe, most of the fights we fight are just absolute, they do absolutely nothing. You you win, but you're still a loser. And it's distracting you and it's tiring you from what really matters. And a lot of us would have less on our burn piles if we had the wisdom to be able to just say, this is dumb. This doesn't need to be a thing. I wonder how many of our homes would operate better, how many of our marriages would operate better if we had that Marcus Aurelius quote in our home. Just like, doesn't need to be a thing. Now sometimes it does. Sometimes it's like, okay, yeah, we got to talk about this. This is hurting the marriage, this is hurting our home culture, this is sin. We got to talk about that. But often we can just go, this doesn't need to be a thing. Just let the monkey load the dishwasher. Let him do it. But for many of us, we struggle with anger because we allow all those little things to just pile up when none of them even need to be things in the first place.

SPEAKER_00 10:56

You're listening to The Bridge with Junior Zigmer. We'll get back to Junior in a moment. We want to tell you about one of his books, The Manual. If you're a man or raising a man, married to a man, maybe dating a man, there's a lot of confusion around what real manhood actually is. In the manual, Junior cuts through the noise. Both the over-the-top macho stuff and the politically correct definitions, and he gets to the raw core of manhood. He exposes the toxic masculinity for what it really is. Not manhood at all. This book is simple, honest, powerful, and it might just change how you view men, strength, and leadership. We'd love to send you a copy of the manual. Just visit juniorziglar.com and give a gift of any amount towards this show, and we'll send it to you. That's juniorzi at L E R dot com. Now let's get back to Junior's message.

SPEAKER_01 11:47

Then last question. Last question. Are you creating patterns of anger? You look at the pattern of your life. Is there a pattern of anger? It's got like last m last, not this last March, but the March before. A bunch of us from the bridge were in Turkey, and we stopped at this rug place. It was a total tourist trap, but it was cool. It's like these beautiful rugs, handmade. I I loved looking. There's like patterns and colors. There were a few rugs where they looked like one color from one angle, then you walk around from the different angles. Like, what kind of magic place am I in right now? Like how they made these like shapes perfect, shapes within shapes and the contrasting colors and colors that can change. I thought about taking out a second mortgage just on just to buy a rug. But I asked the lady on the loom, um, it's like, how do you make these patterns like so perfect? And these lines, like, are you measuring? What are you doing? And she said, well, mainly I just look back at what I've done. I look at the pattern that I'm creating. And if if I'm if I'm right, then I continue going in that direction. But if I'm off a little bit, then I course correct. It's the same with our lives. Our lives are like this ornate rug. Each of us, we have our own different pattern, a pattern that we've had in relationships, a pattern that we've had at former jobs, a pattern that we've had in former friendships, a pattern that we've had in partnerships, in the church, in leadership. We have all of these different patterns. And just like that lady, the old lady on the loom, to create a good pattern, you have to look back at what patterns have I been making? Do I need to course correct at all in order to adjust? So you just think for a second about your previous places of employment, previous friendships, previous relationships, previous churches. What patterns are you seeing? Got any broken relationships? Got any awkward relationships? Got any blow-ups? Any cold shoulders? People who you just kind of avoid. You hope you don't see them in the grocery store, or they avoid you, just that unfriending that's going on. And this is where we can go, like, yeah, yeah, but they, they, they, you know, they made me so angry. Okay, well, then you just gave them power to determine your rug pattern. I told my daughter this the other night. I got it from my dad. I said, like, nobody can make you angry, baby. Nobody can make you angry. Now they can do things that maybe make it easier to be angry, but don't give them control over your emotion. You hold on to that control. You're responsible for it. You will answer for it. It's your pattern, not theirs. They can't make you angry. Proverbs 3, 4 says, be gracious in the eyes of God and men. So that you'll be held in high esteem. What is gracious? Gracious is giving people what they don't deserve. I'm gonna believe the best. I'm gonna give them a break. Now we're still gonna have a conversation, but I'm giving you a break. I'm believing the best. I'm giving a second, third, fourth chance. Doesn't mean there's never boundaries ever, but I'm treating them better than they deserve. And that pattern is a pattern we're supposed to have because that's the pattern God has with us. So, how are you doing on these questions? All right, we got the diagnosis. Let's go to the prognosis. What do we do? Number one, this all comes from Proverbs as well, but be under control. Be under control of the Holy Spirit. It's like blowing up. It feels so good. Just get it off my chest and write people off. That'll really teach them. And we let anger drive us. Our society teaches just let it all out. Get it out of your system. That is healing. No, it's not. That is not healing at all. That's putting yourself under the control of our emotion. Like psychology teaches us that the opposite is true. The more we blow up, the easier it is to blow up the next time. The more you write somebody off, the easier it is to do the next time. The more you hold on to bitterness, the easier it is to collect more. You don't get anything out of your system, you just lock it into your system. It's why scripture teaches us be in control of your emotion. Not that emotions are bad, but you've got to be in control and you don't let your emotions lead. Proverbs 16, 32 says, Whoever's slow to anger, so you can get angry, but the slow to anger is better than the mighty. He who rules his spirit in control is better than he who takes a city. So according to Proverbs, strength is not someone who is blowing up. Look at how strong they are. Strength is someone who is in control of their emotion, who can rule their spirit, high emotional intelligence. And Solomon is saying, Hey, I want those people on my team. In Galatians, three of the fruit of the Holy Spirit. So when the Holy Spirit comes into you and he produces fruit, three of those fruits are peace, patience, and self-control. And high emotional situations, we don't let anger lead, we let the spirit lead. Peace, patience, and self-control. If God is in you, then we handle our anger very, very different than the vast majority. Then number two, God's call is to apologize. Anger is not sin, it's an emotion. It's possible to be angry and not sin. If you were to intentionally hurt my wife, I'm gonna be angry, as I as I should. That's a good thing. Actually, it'd be a sin for me as her husband to not be angry if you were to hurt my wife. So anger isn't a sin. However, anger provides a big opportunity to sin. And most anger involves sin. And when we find ourselves there, whether it's raised voices, biting words, cold shoulder, we're responsible to confess and repent. Proverbs 28, 13 says, Whoever heal conceals his transgressions or refuses to apologize will not prosper. But he who confesses and forsakes, apologizes, will obtain mercy. And too often, here's what happens is we lose our cool or we write someone off and we realize it's not, it's not okay, shouldn't have done that. But instead of forsaking our anger through confession, we just try to move on. It's like, oh, I'll just be, I'll just treat them really, really, really nice, the person I was angry at. It's like, well, that you just come across crazy then. That's just that's toxic. Scripture is clear. You confess, you forsake, and you apologize. If you're some of us, some situations have come to mind, people that we've just written off, given cold shoulder to, we've blown up at, and the Holy Spirit's convicting you, you gotta apologize. Some of us need to go on an apology tour this this week. I've been on one of those apology tours before. It's awful. But it positions us to forsake the old pattern in order to start something new. And I wonder, I wonder what our anger to apology ratio is. Get angry this much, I really only apologize this much. Like, I don't know if that's healthy. You really can handle anger without sin every single time. Then number three, might be the most hardest command from God, but it's forgive. Forgive. Ephesians 4 teaches us that forgiveness is the solution to anger. You want to get anger out of your life, there's got to be a lot of forgiving then. And for some of us, this isn't the point in a sermon, this is the start of a journey. Just learning what forgiveness looks like. And maybe for many of us, it's it's getting into counseling. But forgiveness is the goal. Now I realize that can come with some strong emotion. Because, like junior, you have no idea what they've done. We're not talking about a lazy coworker, we're not talking about an inconsiderate friend, we're not talking about someone who puts topsoil next to the bolts. We're talking about something very different. We're talking about someone who stole my childhood. We're talking about someone who stole my innocence. We're talking about someone who stole my chance at having a traditional family. We're talking about someone who stole my career. And I understand that. I'm not saying this is easy. I realize that this can lead into some heavy stuff. You you might have some situations in your background where, and if you were to come into my office and tell me, it'd make me angry. I'd probably be like, let's go. I'll go with you. We'll go find them. I get that. I'm not trying to oversimplify some of the heavy kindling that's in your burn pile. I'm just saying at the end of the day, when your head hits the pillow, it's up to you if you're gonna let that infect and affect tomorrow. I'm also not saying that they deserve your forgiveness. They probably don't. I'm not even saying this for their benefit. I'm saying this for yours. That the very best version of you is someone with zero kindling. You're just bitterness free. I got nothing on anybody. Let me think about it. Jesus, think about it in the context of the gospel, really. That Jesus shouldered our sin so that we don't have to carry the weight of our sin. But when you're bitter, you're grabbing other people's sin and being like, well, I'm gonna shoulder that one. Jesus died so that you wouldn't shoulder sin. Why are you shouldering other people's sin? Well, I want them to pay up. They probably won't. And even if they did, they probably couldn't. They could never repay you. It's our only real option. Cancel the debt. And yes, that's unfair. But not as unfair as God through Christ canceling your debt. And I'm not saying this is easy, I'm not saying this is simple. I'm saying that God has done it for us so that we can be free to the weight of other people's sin. After Jesus went to the cross to release us from our sin, how dare we grab other people's sin and say, no, I'm holding on to this one though. That when we release the burn pile, we're in a position to enjoy life and the great blessing of God more than ever. The only other option is just be this walking pile of kindling and allow that person to ruin the beautiful future that God is calling you into. Bitterness only corrodes the container in which it's kept. Will you walk out of here with it?

SPEAKER_00 21:12

You're listening to The Bridge with Junior Ziggler. That was part two of Junior's sermon, Anger, part of our proverb series. And Junior, this whole time I've been thinking about I don't like going out to eat with you and we have another couple because you always ask the same question. You always ask, So, get in any good fights lately? And every time I'm like, No, why do you do that?

SPEAKER_01 21:37

You know what? I one time when I asked that question, there's a couple they had an argument on the way to dinner. And so, you know, we're sitting down and and they look at each other like, well, wait, Junior, how did you know that we were arguing on the way in? I was like, Oh, I didn't, but why don't you tell me? It was really cool because I love the resolution about like two minutes later, they kind of tell and they're kind of laughing about like, oh, this is so dumb. And then one spouse looks to the other and goes, I'm sorry. I I was just kind of being a punk and I'm really sorry. And they're like, oh, I forgive you. I'm being I'm sorry too. Like, oh, this is you know kind of a cool moment. But that does that does get rid of anger. When we apologize quickly, I think too often we're very defensive of our anger. And then we just hold on to it, defend it, and then it just gets worse and worse, and that that kindling builds up.

SPEAKER_00 22:20

True. You know my wife's favorite marriage line. My wife loves to say, marriage is not happily ever after. It's forgiveness ever after.

SPEAKER_01 22:27

Oh yeah. I think it's just that way with any relationship. I had a bad story happen last week. I went to go brush my teeth in the sink in the morning. And I noticed, you know, like the little uh it's like the little lid over the drain in the sink. It was pushed down and I couldn't get it back up. And my girls are on the way to school, and I knew my youngest daughter had broken. Because she was kind of playing in the sink before she left for school and she knows not to do that. So I called my wife, like, hey, put Reese on the phone. And you know, my wife hands Reese the phone. I said, Did you break this? And I wasn't like yelling, but I certainly wasn't gracious. Like, you break the sink. And she's like, Oh, I'm sorry. She's like, you know, she's about to go to school and now she's like all upset. And I let the I let my anger get the best of me. And I had to call her two minutes later to apologize. First off, I didn't want her to walk into school like that. But also, like, I didn't need that for me. I couldn't sit there and defend my well, she shouldn't have done that. And no, I shouldn't have called. I shouldn't have, I should have been a lot more gracious. Apologizing with your anger quickly helps get rid of it. So what about you? And maybe you're listening to this and you're starting to feel that conviction of you've been holding, withholding an apology. You've given somebody the cold shoulder or you've blown up. And instead of apologizing, instead you've been defending that anger of yours. Need to get rid of it.

SPEAKER_00 23:46

And that apology is part of getting rid of that anger. I can't wait to see how lighter people are gonna feel after just doing this. A simple apology goes a long way. Well, you have been listening to The Bridge with Junior Ziggler, a listener-supported broadcast. Junior is the lead teaching pastor at the bridge in Chicagoland, and we're so glad that you joined us today. As we told you earlier, we would love to send you a copy of Junior's book, The Manual. Whether you're a man, you're raising a man, married to a man, dating a man, this book cuts through the noise and gets to the raw core of manhood itself. All you have to do is jump on Junior's website, juniorziggler.com, and give a gift of any amount towards this show, and we'll send it right to you. While you're there, you'll also find great resources like today's message, all of Junior's books and podcasts, plus a link to our church, The Bridge. If you're in the Chicagoland area, we'd love to see you at one of our services. Again, that's juniorziggler.com, junior z-i e-g L-E-R.com. Thanks for listening. See you next time. The bridge with Junior Ziggler is a production of the Bridge Community Church, a multi-campus church in Chicago.