Sex | Part 2

Proverbs 5:15-16 | Part 2 | Sex is a powerful, purposeful gift from God. But there are so many different opinions on when it should be enjoyed, who should take part in it, and more. What does the Bible have to say about it, and how should we apply it regardless of our circumstances?

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:02

The likes of God design, the blessing of marriage, the gift of sex, creating this addiction to each other and strengthening the marriage and experiencing this intoxication to help and not sweat the small things. It's just better than any sort of cheap substitute.

SPEAKER_02 0:19

You're listening to The Bridge with Junior Ziggler. Junior's the lead teaching pastor at the bridge in Chicagoland. And we are picking back up the conversation about none other than sex as we continue our proverb series. And we are talking about a sensitive subject because sensitive subjects are usually sensitive for a reason. And the reason is that sex is powerful. I've often heard the illustration that fire in the fireplace, it's a beautiful thing. But fire on the couch is a total disaster. Fire, the same thing, has potential for extreme good, but also has the potential for extreme harm. And it's all based on its boundaries. And today, Junior is going to explore what are God's good boundaries around something that is so powerful. Wherever you're listening from, thanks for being with us. Here's Junior.

SPEAKER_01 1:11

End of verse 19. Solomon writes this. He writes, be intoxicated by her love. The depth of this verse, both theologically and biologically, is astounding. Like this isn't just descriptive writing. There's something pretty incredible here. Sex can and does intoxicate, it binds you at the deepest level. So when Adam and Eve, when they came together, Genesis says, Ish and Isha, I love their names in scripture. It's Ish and Isha. Ish and Isha, they come together, and Genesis says they're one flesh. Now that doesn't mean that they're just like one like melded weird person. They didn't become physically one. They were two separate bodies still, but there was this mingling of souls, a connection at a deep level. In other words, sex is very powerful. Very popular thing to say, and this is what kids are hearing all the time, and I think it just destroys their future. But we hear this all the time, and that is sex is just physical. I remember my high school health teacher saying that. That woman creeped me out. She was in a little old 70-year-old woman, very thick, bright makeup, and wore these like mini skirts all the time. She loved talking about sex. That woman scared me into abstinence. But but she'd always she'd always say, she always says, sex is just physical. As long as there's two consenting adults, as long as you don't reproduce if you don't want to, there's nothing to it. It's just a physical release. No, it's not. It is not just physical. And when we treat it that way, we end up addicted, we end up hurt. And the proof is in the pudding. Sex is not just physical. Talk to anybody who has experienced sexual abuse. They'd be the first to tell you, hey, what happened to me was far more than something physical. It was deeper. The pain wasn't just physical. Sex isn't just physical, it's this mingling of souls involving you at a deep level. And it's intoxicating. Scientific research has found that sexual activity, whether healthy sex in marriage or even just expressions and lust, is highly, highly, highly addictive. A sexual release triggers the same parts of your brain as heroin and cocaine. It's why quitting porn is often harder than quitting a narcotic. Brain activity during a sexual release addicts you to whatever caused that release. And it's actually like it is really cool what God did because He created this so that married couples could be addicted to each other. That one flesh, this addiction, this intoxication to each other. And statistics back this up. Couples that are regularly intimate, they tend not to sweat the small annoyances. They fight less, they laugh more, they have more fun. There's more of this connection because they've aimed that addiction at each other. The more sex you have, the less annoyed you are. It's a great thing for marriage. I try it with Nicole because being married to me has got to be a grind. And those times I get under nerves, like, hey, baby, I got I got an idea to overlook, overlook this. In Bible college, you get a lot of weird um uh advice. You get a lot of good stuff in Bible college, you get a lot of weird stuff in Bible college too. But um, I was end of Bible college, you know, I'm kind of finishing up and I'm about to get married, and somebody in Bible college, I think he was like professor, yeah, professor, it said, Hey, I got some marriage advice for you. He's like, if you fight, you will fight with your spouse, but when you guys fight, one idea is just start undressing. And you'll either start laughing, you become intimate, and then you just won't care about what you're fighting about. He said this to me, I was like, that's really smart. It doesn't work. Because you just end up unclothed and embarrassed, and she's confused and angry and still clothed. I haven't actually tried that, but I kind of wanted to. Anyways, I don't even know where I was at. Um Okay. So God's goal in the context of marriage is you're a bit intoxicated. The problem is, and here's a big problem in our world today, is that other cisterns are so readily available. And so we can aim our addictions not at our spouse, at a spouse, but at websites, at one-night stands, at thoughts, at shows that lead to releases, and we don't realize that it's messing with our brains, that we're we're missing out on the healthy, necessary intoxication of marriage. So instead of um instead, we're looking at other cisterns that portray these unrealistic expectations of sex that lead us to then be let down in our own bed. Other cisterns mess us up. I I can't remember who used this analogy, but our brains are like a dirt road. You ever drive a dirt road? I know I sound like Jason Aldean, you know, but you ever drive like a dirt, a good dirt road? The more you drive on a dirt road, the deeper the grooves get into the road. And when you drive in that dirt road, then after a while, your wheels naturally just kind of lock into the tracks that you go down the most. Your brain is like is like this big dirt road. And as you trigger a release, you create this track in your brain. And the more you go down that track, the deeper the grooves get. So this is why a lot of older guys and women now too, they struggle to be intimate with their spouse unless pornography is involved, because they've they've traveled that track so often to find that release that they need that track. Now they have the real thing right there, but they can't get out of that track to enjoy what God created. This is exactly why Solomon later on would write this to the women in his kingdom. He said, Promise me, O women of Jerusalem, not to awaken love until the time is right. Don't don't start carving these dirt roads. Don't drive these dirt roads until you have a spouse, then you drive them together. Don't create grooves and tracks beforehand. You ever talk to somebody who's like, and maybe this is you at some point, but like they come out of an unhealthy relationship and they'll say things like, Man, I I should have seen it, but I didn't I didn't see like how unhealthy and how toxic that relationship was. Well, often, not always, but usually it's because sex was involved. Sex changes the brain. You overlook a lot of stuff when you're sleeping with somebody. You're you're intoxicated. This is why God asks us to save it for marriage. Hey, be sober, date with your eyes wide open, see clearly. Then marriage gives you this healthy intoxication where you can just overlook the small things. I mean, God's original design is absolutely brilliant. Now, our society has switched that, hasn't it? It's like, all right, try on the shoe. Sex and dating, fool around, try it on, then get married. What happens though is eventually things cool and you sober up and suddenly you start seeing all these things that you should have seen while you were dating, and now you're annoyed by it, and you're like, man, maybe I shouldn't have committed. Because you were intoxicated when you shouldn't have been, and you didn't see the things. That's like buying a car drunk. Like it's a dumb idea. You're gonna make a bad deal and crash the car. And this is why God asks us to date in purity, eyes wide open, no cloud, sober minded, no sex intoxication, then tie the knot, you got your well, have sex, form the addiction, enjoy the cloud, stronger marriage. Sex is very powerful. Number three, uh, opening it prematurely or out of the wrong, out of the right context hurts its effectiveness. Verse 16, Solomon writes, Should your springs be scattered abroad, streams of water in the streets. I mean, that's quite the image. There's a country song, I know I'm using a lot of country songs here, but uh there's a country song called Young and Crazy. And uh Frankie Ballard sings, need to get these wild oats out of my system. No telling how many lips I might have to kiss before I ever really figure out what love is. Like just basically like go so go so wild oats. It's a very, very common thought. It's like, man, just get out of your system, fool around, experiment, collect some notches if you can, get it out of the system, then get married, you hang up the boots. Just get out of your system. There is no such thing as just getting out of your system. There's no such thing. The more you give in to your desires, the more you're a slave to them. You don't get anything out of your system, you just lock it into your system. And the reality is, it's an epidemic today that people are getting married and they're having massive, massive, massive struggles because they're coming together with all of these tracks all over the brain. They can't achieve real, true, beautiful intimacy. They're severely limited in their experience of each other because they've they they have these tracks, tracks made in the name of just getting it out of your system. Like there's just no such thing. Now, that doesn't mean that there's no redemption. This does not mean that there's no forgiveness and that God that God doesn't meet us where we're at. Of course, God meets us where we're at. There is no sexual sin that is greater than the blood of Jesus. There is forgiveness, there is redemption, there is a road to recovery and rediscovering that gift of intimacy. But the fact remains, opening sex in the wrong environment, it loses its effectiveness and it hurts relationships. Future relationships, too.

SPEAKER_02 9:48

You're listening to The Bridge with Junior Ziegler. We'll get back to Junior in a moment. We want to tell you about one of his books, The Manual. If you're a man or raising a man, married to a man, maybe dating a man, there's a lot of confusion around what real manhood actually is. In the manual, Junior cuts through the noise, both the over-the-top macho stuff and the politically correct definitions, and he gets to the raw core of manhood. He exposes the toxic masculinity for what it really is, not manhood at all. This book is simple, honest, powerful, and it might just change how you view men, strength, and leadership. We'd love to send you a copy of the manual. Just visit juniorzigler.com and give a gift of any amount towards this show, and we'll send it to you. That's junior z Ig L E R. Now let's get back to Junior's message. So what do we do with this?

SPEAKER_01 10:42

What do we do with all this? God's original design of intimacy is absolutely brilliant, but like clearing out the junk out of her life is like a totally different story. I mean, it's a story that could take years. And so what do we do with this? Well, thankfully, Solomon does not leave us hanging on this either. Number one, actions. Number one, flee other cisterns. He's not saying flee sex. He's not saying that. If you're married, don't flee. Don't flee each other. Instead, journey together to use that gift, to steward that gift as best as possible, deepen your well together. But I think a good question to ask yourself, and this is a good question for any sort of accountability, if you're in a small group, I think it's a good small group question. But just what are what what other cisterns are available to you? Those have to be on your radar if you're gonna flee them. What other cisterns or wells have been available to you? Flee the websites, flee the fantasies, flee the inappropriate encounters, flee the flirtatious encounters, just don't mess with it. Don't see how close you can get. Just get out of there. What other cisterns are available to you? And there are some. I mean, social media is a big one. You have social media to connect with friends, that's good and fine, but but it is so easy to get stuck on those reels that stir an appetite. Now you're checking out other cisterns. Someone says, nah, don't even don't even go near that. Proverbs 4 15 says, avoid it. Do not go on it, turn away from it, pass on. Or think of when uh Jesus, Jesus said this, he said, if your right hand caused you to sin, just cut it off then, throw it away, flee. Strong language. Actually, uh legend has it. This guy's name is Origen. He's he's considered a church father by by many people. Origen had read that verse by Jesus and he took it so seriously that he, this is legend, but that he castrated himself. That's not what Jesus meant here. Jesus meant flee to the point where you have this like radical amputation spirit. Just get rid of the things that that that help you lust. My buddy has a passcode on his phone that only I know. So he he can't download apps unless I am there watching him download an app. Just this radical amputation. I know a guy who takes the long way home from work so he doesn't drive by that strip club. Not that he would go in, but it just stirs his thoughts. I have friends that don't go on socials because reels just kind of reel them to porn sites. Fling might look like like that. It might look like getting a filter on your internet. It might look like breaking up for some people. It's just like a relationship that was born in lust and it's just kind of centered around around the physical and it's unhealthy. You're not really getting to know each other on a personal, uh, spiritual even level, but it's just mainly physical. Um, I have a friend who was a popular erotic novelist. She's deep in that community. She burned her books, refused to go to events, left the notoriety, left the paychecks that were coming in, just fleeing it. That radical amputation. Stop saying, like, oh, that was the last time. Stop saying, well, I'll just do better next time. Next time starts now. Do something about it now. Amputate something, flee. Number two, actions, walk with others. James says, confess your sins to one another that you may be healed. You and I were designed for transparency to help each other out. I just did, uh I just showed that verse up at camp. Confess your sins to one another. But if you think about it, the sin that we only tell God tends to be the sin we most often repeat, isn't it? Like, I God, I looked at that. Sorry. Back again. Sorry. Me again. Sorry. Like, yeah, confess to God, but James says, no, confess to others. I have four guys I confess things to, and they confess things to me. I hate it sometimes. It's like humbling. But all five of us have found so much healing in our confession and just being really, really hard on each other, taking each other's phones and checking each other's algorithms. I mean, we get heated. I need it. Like, I don't stand up here on some high horse and I just got all this figured out. No, I got four guys behind me ready to jump me if I ever got too close to another cistern. Like, I need that. You need that as well to walk with other people. It's why we have celebrate recovery, it's why we have purity groups, it's why we do small groups, it's it's why we have a team of counselors at our church because you need to walk with people to help you hold your feet to the fire. And maybe for you, maybe in your small group, it's just been kind of like surfacey level conversations. I always, I always just like, I feel like we're wasting time so often in like accountability. We sit down, it's like, all right, what do we need to be accountable for? Well, I pray, I need to pray more. It's like, come on, like that's your worst sin. Like, can we just like let's just get to it? It's maybe some of us is like, you need to move to more deeper waters when it comes to accountability. Maybe like, yeah, but Junior, like that's so humbling. I need to tell them, like, I've been watching that, that I've been sleeping with so-and-so. Yeah, part of how the enemy keeps you down is convincing you that you're the only one who struggles. You're not the only one who's fallen. You're not. You need accountability. This isn't about your image, this is about holiness. And you'll find that coming clean, you're met with grace. And it's not easy. Good friends are gonna hold your feet to the fire, they're gonna get all up in your business, but the freedom that comes with it is worth it. And then number three, walk with God. I've noticed this about myself, though I think this is true of all of us because it's it's part of our human nature. But I'm either I'm either with God or I'm wandering into sin. Like just about every time. I'm either pursuing my wife or I'm drifting from her as well. There's no middle ground, it's one or the other. You're either growing closer to God and holiness, or you're wandering further. One of my favorite hymns, I'm a hymn guy, I love hymns. I grew up in hymns, but one of my favorite hymns was written by a guy named Robert Robinson called Come Thou Fountain. Love the lyrics of Come Thou Fount. Come Thou Fountain of many blessings. Tune my heart to sing thy praise, streams of mercy never ceasing, call for songs of loudest prayer. I love that. But there's this line in the in the hymn that like it just it hits me deeply. It's prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love. I love just the transparency of that, the realness of that, the rawness of that. Because there's this flesh part of me that just wants to do things my way. I just want to do things my way. I want to do what I enjoy. I I want I want a free-for-all, like whatever feels good. That's just where I'm gonna drift to. Like we all have that poll. But but there's this line in the hymn bind my wandering heart to thee. Just walk with God closer and closer. That's the key. King David, who had his own sexual issues, he wrote, early in the morning, early in the morning, I will seek you. That my day starts with this pursuit of God. Because if my day doesn't start pursuing God, I'm just gonna pursue myself all day. I love what C.S. Lewis wrote. He wrote, The very moment you wake up, all your wishes and hopes for the day rush at you like wild animals. The first job each morning consists simply of shoving them all back. That's become one of my favorite quotes. What a thought. When I was in middle school, my dad trained me that when you wake up, you need to get out of bed and you need to attack the day. Don't just lay there in bed. He told me, just laying there, temptation's gonna hit you. Now, when my dad said that, I didn't know what he was talking about because I had yet to go through puberty. I was like, tempted to do would just like lay there. I found my dad's advice to be incredibly accurate. It's like right when I wake, I'm tired, feel weak. This is when, this is when the enemy loves to hit you when you're feeling weak. The wishes can rush at you like wild animals, and then you snowball your day that way. And so it's just my habit. No, alarm goes off, out of bed. I'm not letting those wild animals rush me while I lay. I'm not gonna be the sitting duck. Instead, those animals are gonna are gonna meet a guy who's already attacked the day, bending God's word and aiming that energy at something that matters. Because if I don't, I am prone to wander. Walking with God keeps those wild wishes at bay. But to boil all of this down, boil all of this down, I know we hate a lot. Yes, flee temptation to other cisterns, stop flirting with it, stop seeing how close you can get, just flee, amputate, walk with others, be transparent. Holiness matters far more than your image. Get into God's word, attack the day, all of that. But to boil all of this down, there's really, there's really just one main reason to walk in purity. Just one main reason. One main reason to resist the temptation to other cisterns. There's just one driving reason, and it's not fear. It's not fear. So often people try to stay pure because they feel like, well, I'll just blow up the family. And I get that. I feel that. I've had pastor friends blow up their family and blow up their church because they were at other cisterns. And sure, that can be a healthy fear. I think that's a good fear feel, a fear to feel. You know, I don't want to mess this up. That's a good fear, but that's not the driving reason to stay pure. If that's a driving reason, then we're just gonna be tempted to keep it hidden. Well, as long as this isn't found out, then things don't blow up. No, the driving reason for all of this is not fear. The reason to stay pure, the reason to resist other cisterns is God is better. He's just better. Like the life that Jesus died for us to live, the life that God invites us to, is so better than any other cistern. The life that God designed, the blessing of marriage, the gift of sex, creating this addiction to each other and strengthening the marriage and experiencing this intoxication to kind of help not sweat the small things. It's just it's just better than any sort of cheap substitute that leaves us empty. He's better. And I say this as someone who grew up, not from my parents, but really from my school, just hearing like, don't do this and don't do that, and don't do this, and stay away from that, and stay away from that, and that's gross. It's like, yeah, okay, okay, sure. Radical amputation, block sites if you have to, internet filters, all that. Be wise and strict with dating. I agree with all the don'ts. But let's not forget the why. The why is that he is far better. And so let's chase him, let's follow him, let's get his people around us to help us walk toward him better. Let's stop being a slave to all these urges. He's called us to more than that. And the more that we're convinced that he's better, the easier it is to see other cisterns for what they are. And they're just cheap releases that enslave and ruin and muddy the God-given beautiful well of marriage.

SPEAKER_02 21:01

You're listening to The Bridge with Junior Ziegler. That was part two of Junior's sermon sex, part of our proverb series. And there were so many practical boundaries that came right out of God's word. But I loved that C.S. Lewis quote that Junior ended with. Every morning, all your wishes and hopes for the day rush at you like wild animals. And your first job consists of shoving them all back and listening to that other voice. There's so many voices. There's so many voices in this world telling us how to use and misuse sex, including our own. But as Junior said, there's this, there's another voice, a stronger voice, a quiet of a quieter voice, and it's leading us to something better. So partly, what we need to this, what we need to do is just take a moment. We gotta think about this other voice that's leading us to something better. I think a lot of this has to do too, and we I know it was a lot about sex with within marriage, but also a lot of it's the sermon has to do with purity. And there are some of you who you have been sleeping on taking a hold of your purity and you've just been waiting on it. I had a young man call me the other day and he said, Jordan, I this is the first time I've ever confessed this. He said, Every I've confessed it to God many times. Ever since I was a young kid, I've been confessing my pornography struggles and addictions to God, but I've never actually confessed it to another person. He actually just came up to me at church this weekend. He joined our Celebrate Recovery, a 12-step program at our church, and he said, I have four months clean. For the first time in his life, he found freedom from his sexual addiction because he not only confessed to God, but this time he confessed to God's people. I'm gonna ask you, listening, what needs to change? And maybe the change needs to start in your purity, and you too. You need to find someone and you need to go and you need to confess. Or maybe the change needs to start in your marriage. Maybe you've been using sex as more of a bargaining chip or something that you just use to keep the peace. You gotta be reminded God's design for sex is different. Sex is meant to be this self-giving, sacrificial expression of love towards your spouse. Or maybe if you're honest, you are looking for sex outside of marriage. Maybe it's through shows, books, websites, relationships that aren't yours to have. All of that. It's like drinking salt water. And the more you take in, the thirstier you're just going to become. If that's you, before you do anything else, I want to encourage you, go find someone, confess to them, one godly person. Maybe that's a pastor, a godly leader, a friend in your life, go and take the first step of healing and confess. You could be, think about it, one hard conversation away from changing your life. Thanks for listening to The Bridge with Junior Ziggler, a listener-supported broadcast. Pray this time has been encouraging for you, life-changing, and may it set you on a new trajectory. As we told you earlier, we would love to send you a copy of Junior's book, The Manual. Whether you're a man, you're raising a man, married to a man, dating a man, this book cuts through the noise and gets to the raw core of manhood itself. All you have to do is jump on Junior's website, juniorziggler.com, and give a gift of any amount towards this show, and we'll send it right to you. While you're there, you'll also find great resources like today's message, all of Junior's books and podcasts, plus a link to our church, The Bridge. If you're in the Chicagoland area, we'd love to see you at one of our services. Again, that's juniorziggler.com, Junior Z-I-E-G L E R dot com. Thanks for listening. See you next time.

SPEAKER_00 24:36

The bridge with Junior Ziggler is a production of the Bridge Community Church, a multi-campus church in Chicago.