Why Peace Feels Boring

Most people have had some version of volatility in how they were raised and the environment that they grew up in.  We are conditioned to perform - to be praised when we do things well and to be reprimanded or punished when we don’t.  For a lot of people and most of you know the volatile childhood that I had, our version of love and what stable and safe looks like is some kind of intensity or emotional punch and as we’ve grown older, we’ve become conditioned to look for that in our lives and to see it as our version of normal.  The intensity is our version of intimacy - our version of love and attention.  How do we break this cycle?  How do we re-train our nervous systems to value the more ordinary things in life?

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:49

Welcome, listeners, to another episode. Really appreciate you being here. I'm excited to talk to you about something that has certainly impacted my life and people that I know and love. And the topic at hand really is the trap of intensity and the addiction that we have to things that represent intensity in our lives. And how does that take us away from seeing life in the ordinary things? And so, really, it's uh how do we find courage to see gold in our ordinary lives, the everyday things, the things that happen every day with our families? And how do we notice and be aware where there are things that are intense, things that we look forward to in the future that distract us and take us away from being in the moment? And the research shows that most people suffer from some form of addiction to intense things, events, things that they're looking forward to, romantic relationships, the chemistry you feel with someone, things that are in the future that take us away from being in the moment and from seeing the ordinary beauty of life right in front of us. So I'm talking about this today because it impacts my life. And uh I want to share this with you as a way for all of us to learn. I was raised in an environment as a youngster that offered me a lot of volatility. I had a volatile dad that one day would love me so intensely, and one day would rage at me with his anger the next. And I a cold stepfather who really did not know how to show his love for me. I was bullied. We moved so many times when I was younger. And after a decade of this kind of up and down, volatile treatment, my nervous system got addicted to negative responses. And those that I'd see in the people around me, their anger, their disapproval, it became the way that my nervous system associated attention and some version of love with. And, you know, part of that was the path that I started to see that love represented this volatility and this chemistry thing that showed up in my life with new partners was the measure of true intimacy. And I have found myself, as I've shared with all of you in recent years, that you know, I'm in the dating world. I'm also living in a city where I'm working hard to build friendships. And I have found myself Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, you know, I am looking forward to future events, the upcoming weekend, a date that I might be excited about. Things that really become distractions or detractors from my ability to be okay with the ordinary, the routine of my day, the work, the getting up, the finishing work, the playing guitar, going for a walk. And I really noticed that it's prevented me from having the courage to see that life is actually in the ordinary. It's really not the extraordinary events or the things that you know are happening at some point in the future. And yet there's this pull because of my conditioning and because of the way that I was raised. So the question for today is why is it that so many of us say that we want peace, stability, we want a grounded life? But the second we get it, we find it completely boring. And again, this isn't everyone, but the research shows that most people have some version of this. So why is it that we are drawn to the people and the lifestyles that feel like a storm? While the feel the things that feel like a safe harbor, they get left behind or we overlook them in some way. And as we've talked about in episodes before, you know, our culture and media really has created our internal conditioning to teach us to look for the spark or the rush. We've been trained to believe that um if life or love doesn't feel like you know some high stakes emotional roller coaster, it's lacking passion or purpose, or it's not meant to be, or they're not the one. And I know that this is certainly something that I have you know really had to wrestle with in all of our relationships. And so today we're unpacking, you know, this dangerous confusion between intensity and intimacy. Um intensity is this addictive state of our nervous system and how it associates arousal with you know something that's good versus something that is grounded and is uh you know a state of deep safety. And you know, intimacy is somewhere that is safe, you know, and then we have that, we're gonna perform at consistently a way higher level because we're gonna feel that safety. And we know that safety is really a place where all of us feel peace and feel love, and we have an expansive view of the world around us when we have that. So, how do we get there? How do we start to associate the external circumstances, the things that are going on underneath us, with uh the things that aren't safe and don't represent safety? So, you know, if you look at uh an early stage romantic situation, there's an intensity there. You know, there's this high-stakes life event, the spark that happens, the dopamine rush that we get. Scientists call that the ventral tagmental area. And uh never heard that before. And it's an area that just is flooded with dopamine, it's the brain's reward pathway, you know, and it handles a volatile romantic connection or uh chaotic work emergency, and it becomes like a behavioral addiction. It is in fact a psychological high. And this is science telling us, you know, these are how our bodies and nervous systems are reacting and associating the good things in life, the highs in life, become not about the ordinary, they become about all these high-stakes, more intense events in our life. And, you know, when unpredictable rewards trap us, it's what they call the casino effect. If we put a coin into a slot machine and we know that every time we're gonna lose, or every time we're gonna win, there's not gonna be that dopamine rush. Where when we put the coin in and we know it's random, there's a probability that we might win, but that's the rush. That's the spike. And so the dopamine spike is uh significantly higher for us when things go right. And it's interspersed with periods of conflict, emotion, emotional withdrawal, or impending failure. And when the when we think those things are there on the horizon, our dopamine levels are way, way higher. And so uh, you know, we're not necessarily hooked on uh the slot machine. You know, we're hooked on the unpredictability that makes us feel that that eventual jackpot is intoxicating. And that's what we are associating the uh spike in our dopamine with. It's the same as you know, somebody who might not be emotionally available and the volatility that they might bring in our lives, and this constant thinking that, oh, they're gonna get there, oh, they're going to accept me. It's so exciting to be with them. And, you know, someday they'll be there, someday they'll be available. But it's really the rush of us wanting to try to get there, not when we actually do, or not when we're with somebody who offers us that emotional availability, because then we feel like we are living some kind of boring existence. So, how does this affect us? Well, if you just think about, first of all, our relationship to time. You know, when we're always thinking about things that are in the future, uh, and we're obsessing about the next high-stake milestone, or, you know, we're fixating on something that's in the future that we're looking forward to, we're just not firmly rooted in the present. And so our ability to find depth, beauty, the texture and richness in life, you know, the ordinary moments, the bird that we might see, uh, the old woman that, you know, walks down the path, and you can just look at her and say, wow, she's lived an incredibly beautiful life. Or the old couple that's holding hands after decades of being together, and they're just being together in some beautiful way. And we miss those things, you know, those ordinary things that, you know, come into our lives. You know, it certainly, you know, affects our work and our productivity. Uh, our days become, you know, fueled by the fires, the tight deadlines, the exciting things that are coming in the future. Um, you know, and we look for those intense things to fuel us, you know, where as intimate living, having the courage to see things in the ordinary life, having the courage to just know that steady routine, you know, well, that's gonna give us steady momentum. It's gonna give us a sustainable pace, a deep focus, and it's gonna allow us to see that life is right there. Life is in the ordinary. Let's face it, most of our life is ordinary. And if you think about it from that context, when we're always looking for the extraordinary and looking forward to the extraordinary, we missed most of our lives, you know, and I know this has certainly been true for me over the years. And so, you know, how do we get here? I talked a little bit about, you know, uh my history and really, you know, um, if our early environments or past relationships required uh some level of constant performance or high stress or emotional agility just to be able to survive or get love or get attention, our nervous systems calibrate to that level of noise. And I mean, this is unfortunately true for most of us. And so for people, you know, who've been through that, you know, uh, when an emotionally available partner comes along or a stable job comes along, uh it doesn't register as it being safe. You know, it registers as a flat line because that's not what we've been uh brought up. Our nervous systems have not been trained to see that as a good thing. It feels boring. And we look at a calm, consistent relationship or a balanced life, and we say, you know, well, there's no chemistry or passion. Um but what we really mean, what our nervous systems mean, if it could speak, would be this isn't triggering my anxiety. And because I confuse anxiety with alignment, I think it's broken in some way. And the truth is that intensity, that kind of intensity that we're talking about, you know, it requires this idealized fantasy or future horizon that we consistently look forward to. And conversely, thinking about intimacy, thinking about being present, being okay with the normal parts of our life, you know, it allows us to see what's actually in front of us. You know, the real person that's there, the current moment, the actual life that I'm building. Even as I sit here and live on my own in Phoenix and I'm building friendships and places to go. As I'm talking to you about this, I'm realizing that I am building a life. And I am building this life mostly spending time on my own. And the beauty of that for me is that I'm actually starting to find peace and joy in being able to do that, in doing things on my own, and being comfortable and peaceful with being able to do that. And so, uh, what's the homework for all of us? You know, and I'll share some things that that I'm doing. I mean, I think step one for all of us is like just name the trigger. You know, when you're feeling overwhelmed, you feel some obsessive pull to something that's going on in the future or a chaotic situation or some future milestone, you know, try to stop calling it inspiration. You know, try to notice that there's some intensity of craving there that you've got. Uh try to redefine what the spark means for us. You know, maybe it's valuing warmth over heat, you know, that that thing that we're looking forward to. Maybe it's maybe it's just wow, like what's going on right here, right now? And, you know, try to give the consistency, the stability, the regular routine part of your life a chance to show their depth. You know, and I think that we've talked about this in in other episodes is, you know, how do you drop into silence? How do you practice uh, you know, somatic presence? How do you, you know, sit with the quiet, not reach for your phone, some emergency to fix Instagram, Facebook, all these things, they're all dopamine rushes, right? Like that's essentially what it gives to us. Even me checking email in the morning, as soon as I wake up, I realize it's a dopamine rush. It's what I'm looking for. And so I'm noticing these triggers and I'm noticing these things as often as I can in my life so I can have a better way of grounding myself into the here and now. You know, and look, the truth is that true intimacy isn't boring, it's grounding. And I know that the true intimate moments in my life, where I've truly been present with people, whether it's a lover or a loved one, a family member, those moments for me are literally photos and memories that I will never forget. It's like a crystallized version of what life really is. And being able to share that as a human being and being fully, fully, fully present with someone else and other people has allowed me to see that that is really what I want to try to aspire to, to be able to have that kind of presence where I can experience that all the time. And it's really hard. So the challenge I give to all of you is just audit one area of your life this week, or in the next few weeks. You know, is there an area where you're manufacturing something for the future? Whether, you know, there's an intense thing that's happening on the weekend, or there's an intense person in your life, or there's something that you're looking forward to. And this could be work, it could be your personal relationships, the dating scene. You know, I just encourage you to choose a slow build, you know, over the fast burn in a in a particular area of your life. And think about what that could be. And I think if you can do this, you know, you'll start to notice the things that I'm noticing, which is there's so much beauty around me, and there's so much beauty in the ordinary, especially when I'm on my own. That affords me the opportunity to be truly present with both myself and with other people. Thank you for listening today. I send you my appreciation and my gratitude and best healthy wishes. Thank you.