Bondage 101

Most people are focused on how often they’re having sex…
but almost no one is talking about how good it actually is.

In this episode of The Law Of Cassidy, I break down the real truth about intimacy, connection, and why so many couples feel disconnected — even when they’re “doing it.”

From oral sex to communication, initiation, and even beginner bondage… this is the conversation people are too uncomfortable to have (but need to hear).

 What we get into:
💋 Why frequency doesn’t equal a healthy sex life
💋 Why silence during sex is killing connection
💋 The truth about oral sex and satisfaction
💋 Why both partners NEED to initiate
💋 How shame is secretly ruining your intimacy
💋 Beginner-friendly bondage explained (no weird stuff)
💋 How to communicate what you actually want

This episode is raw, honest, and designed to make you think, question, and maybe even change how you show up in your relationship.

If this hit for you… send it to your partner 👀

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hot takes, bondage, and have you ever segment that is going to make you either nod aggressively or send this to your group chat. Either way, we are covering oral sex etiquette. Yes, I said etiquette, why silence during sex should actually be illegal and why it matters on how good the sex is versus how often you're having it. And then we're gonna get into some bondage because I know you have been curious and nobody's talking about it properly. This is a quickie, just me, zero apologies. Welcome back, vain ones. Let's get into it. Welcome to the Law of Cassidy. We're talking intimacy, business, power, healing, and the conversations that most people are too uncomfortable to have. I'm Cassidy, entrepreneur, wife, mom, and someone who has spent nearly two decades talking about sex, intimacy, and living in the wellness space. If someone sent you this episode, you're in the right place. This is for we like to call you the vain ones. If you know, you know, and welcome to the club. Here we go, guys. Hope you're all doing well. We are still doing this thing. I don't even know what episode this is, but I am damn proud of myself because you know what? Consistency with podcasting is the key to success, and it is a lot of freaking work. And ever since I launched on freaking Christmas Eve, I didn't plan that on purpose. There has been an episode for all of you every single week. So if you love it, share it. Please comment, please give it the love because man, I am pouring into this thing and we're making it a thing. So it's been a good week. I just got back from Vegas, had some great meetings with some brands in the space, um, strategizing more fun for Covet. You guys, my toys came in. It's happening. Um, was approving some colors. Um, so good. Like I know I've mentioned it before on the podcast. There is a dual action device that I am launching with Covet. It is called Taken Twice, and I am here to tell you it is by far the best dual action toy any woman will ever experience. Thank me later. And men, I am not forgetting about you. First bite. Just run your imagination with that. Chef's kiss good. Is it, is it time yet? I almost can start sharing when the actual launch is gonna be, but not yet. So stay tuned, y'all. Okay, so we're gonna jump into some hot takes and kind of talk through some things. Okay, so hot take number one. So people put too way too much emphasis on how often they have sex and not nearly enough on how good it is. Okay. We are not checking a check mark on um I had sex today. I really believe that your intimacy and connection thrives when it actually is good. Because let me paint you a picture. It's a Tuesday night, you're both exhausted, okay? Too many tacos on Taco Tuesday. But no, okay. Your kids are finally asleep. You've been running on empty since 6 a.m. I feel that. That feels like my day today. And someone initiates, maybe it's you, maybe it's them. Um, and you think, okay, fine, let's do this. Raise your hand if you've been there before. Hi. Um, 10 minutes later, it's over. Nobody said anything, nothing was communicated. You both roll over, and somewhere in the back of your mind, you think, well, we had sex. We're good. One more for the week. Now let me paint a different picture for you. On maybe you're not doing it as often, but it's more intentional. So, same Tuesday, same exhaustion, but this time there's a text. An hour before you even got home, it says, I've been thinking about you all day today. Tonight, you're mine. Okay, that is smoking hot. Okay. And when you walk into the bedroom, something's different. The straps are already on the bed, four padded cuffs. Yeah, we're going there. It's like laid out for an invitation. You didn't have to ask, you didn't have to explain. They just knew, okay. And what follows is slow, it's intentional. Every touch is deliberate. I feel like I'm reading from a smut novel, but here for it. Okay. Um, you're not going anywhere. Your brain stops managing everything else. The to-do list, the body insecurity, the noise, all of it quiets because the entire world has narrowed to this room and this moment, okay? And your person. So an afterward, you both lie there and think, that is it right there. That's what I needed. Not more, actually, better. And that's what I do is intentionally teach you how to have those deeper connections when it comes to intimacy. And that's also why we're talking about bondage today. We're going there. Okay. So we track sex like it's a KPI. Like frequency is the metric of a healthy relationship. I get this question all the freaking time. People are like, How often should you be having sex? There is not an answer. It needs to be good. Okay. So the right question is never are we having enough sex. The right question needs to be when we do have sex, is it actually good? Are we both present? Are we communicating? Are we both walking away feeling like we just got our fix and we can't wait till the next time? Because if that is not in your process and your dynamic, hit me up in the DMs because let me help you to create an environment that you crave more, that you enjoy more, and you connect more. Because high frequency of mediocre sex just trains your body to expect mediocre sex. And eventually, mediocre becomes the standard. And you forget what it felt like to be moved, connected, that spark. Okay. So stop counting, start paying attention, and quality is the whole thing. Okay. So DM me. When was the last time sex actually moved you? Not just happened, actually moved you because the vain ones don't settle for a tally. We are intentionally having that good life-altering shag session. Okay. Hot take number two. Are you guys ready? Going down on her is mandatory unless she doesn't want it, but it should always be offered. Always. I don't know what it is about. I know I've talked about this before, but the insecure bros in the universe who are all expecting a blowjob and they are not delivering. Okay. So, and they just accept that like it's normal. It's not normal. It's lazy and it's selfish. So here's the thing: the majority of women, if you didn't know this, please send this to your man. Cannot, I will say it again, cannot orgasm from penetration alone. That is biology, okay? The clitoris exists entirely for pleasure. There are like eight to ten thousand nerve endings there for a reason, which means if you're only having the P and the V penetrative sex, you are statistically speaking, leaving her unsatisfied every single time. Hate me for saying it, but it's true. Oral sex is not a treat, it's not a reward, it's not something you do on special occasions. It is a normal, expected part of a complete, like we just talked in the hot take before, experience. Okay. And if you're a woman who's never asked for it, yes, ask. You're allowed to want this, and that's the law. Because, you know, we're here, law of Cassidy. And guide them, communicate, tell them what you like, tell, tell them what you want them to try. Okay. I mean, I have a bundle on my website that I created because I was like, okay, if I'm giving a blowjob, I actually want to be enjoying it too. So it comes with the actual um blowjob gel, and then it also comes with a remote control vibe. So like he can be controlling that while you're giving the blow. It's like a full experience. Thank me later. Okay. Hot take number three silence during sex should be a crime. Okay. Not being vocal during sex actually should be a crime. And I'm speaking to the men. This one's for you. You need to be vocal. You need to moan. You need to make noise because she will absolutely love it. Have you never listened to her like smut book? Like that she's listening on, um, what do you call it? Not audible. Have you never listened to the guy? Like, there's guys on TikTok like that are the voices for these books, and they're like growling and shit, but the girls love it, okay? Silent sex is like haunting. Like, are you okay? Are you even feeling this? Are you present? Are you enjoying this? Did you fall asleep? I need feedback. I need sound. I need to know that something is actually happening for you, okay? And women aren't off the hook here either. Performative moaning is just as unhelpful as silence. I'm not asking for a performance, ladies. I'm asking for an honest response, okay? When your body feels something, let it out. A breath, a sound, a word, something. And men, the cultural idea that moaning is somehow feminine or weak is one of the most damaging things we have ever created in this world. Ladies, I can't wait to hear your feedback on this. But your pleasure matters, your response matters, and making noise isn't like a weakness, it's presence and it's super fucking hot. Like, hate me for saying it, but you all are listening to the Audible Spicy Books and you like it. So, okay, hot take. Invite it. If your partner is silent in bed, please send them this episode anonymously. I got you. Okay. So, hot take number four today on this quickie is both partners need to be initiating. It is exhausting to never feel wanted, and it is exhausting to always be the one reaching. Okay. I understand that men crave women initiating. I mean, when I ask, what's the one thing you want your partner to do in bed on my Rails on social all the time? Men are like, I want to do initiate, initiate, initiate. Well, you know what? Women want to be taken too, and they want him to initiate too. So there's nothing more quietly devastating than being in a relationship where you are always the one who initiates. Always, okay? Because what starts as a frustration becomes a story you tell yourself and they don't find you like you're telling yourself in repeat that they don't find you attractive anymore and they don't want you and that something is wrong with you, and that the desire is gone. Sometimes it is about desire, sometimes it's about habit. And sometimes one partner got comfortable and the other one just stopped like initiating. But here's what I know feeling wanted is not a luxury in a relationship, it is a need. And a partner who never initiates is sending a message, whether they mean to or not. If you've stopped initiating, I'm here to challenge you to start again. A touch, a look, a text in the middle of the day. It doesn't have to be a grand gesture, a little bit at a time will help things. I promise. Um, and if you've been the only one initiating for months, bring this up. Communicate, tell them, not as an accusation, as a need. You deserve to feel wanted, and that's not too much to ask. Like, hey, I would like it if you or can we try this please, please. Everyone needs to initiate. There is no one side in this dynamic. Okay. Dude, I'm doing all different types of hot take, okay? This neck one, this next one is two food opinions. Um, pineapple does in fact belong on pizza, and something the Bible family taught me is that you do it with pepperoni. Seems weird. Pepperoni pineapple pizza is actually the best thing you will ever put in your mouth. The sweet, the salty, it's just great. Um, I also believe that boneless wings are just overpriced chicken nuggets. No one's done it right. Okay, you're paying a premium to eat a chicken nugget with a special sauce and calling it wings. You can hate me for it. It is what it is. You're acting like a child with a bar tab, and that's fine, but let's be honest about what's happening. Just get some bones in your wings. Okay. I know we went from sex to pizza to chicken wings, and now I'm hungry. So share your favorite wing place with me. Okay, fight me on both of those in the DMs. I openly welcome it. Okay. Hot take number six. There's a lot today. Shaming people never works, and I swear by this, okay. Shaming people into religion or political belief never works. All it does is trap everyone in the same exhausting loop, and it creates this loop of stress and defensiveness. So I grew up in a culture where shame was like a tool. Um, fear was a motivator. I've talked about this many times on the podcast, um, where the threat of judgment from an actual community, from God, from family was supposed to keep people in line. And here's what I know from nearly two decades of having honest conversations with people shame doesn't change beliefs, it drives them underground. Like people don't leave shame, they hide from it. They perform, they say the right things and feel something completely different. And that is disconnect, okay? They disconnect between what you believe, what you're allowed to say. And this is where resentment is born. You cannot shame someone into genuine faith. You cannot shame someone into political position. You can only shame them into silence. And silence isn't agreement, it's exhaustion. And the amount of women and men in my DMs that have this shame dynamic of I don't know how to own my own pleasure or I'm feeling disconnected from my partner because she's not into it, I can promise you there is some shape or form of a shame dynamic going on based off of how they were raised around sexuality. And that's what I'm here for. So if you've ever been shamed for what you believe or don't believe, or you found the right place or not, the vain ones don't shame here. We do honest, okay? And I'm here to tell you that's what I'm here for. That's what my DMs are for. I'm always here to answer your questions, help you navigate figuring out your body and owning your sexuality because it is an essential tool to thriving in life and shaming yourself away from the body that God gave you is just not okay. Okay. Man, I'm on a soapbox today. Okay, we're gonna talk a little bit about bondage. Okay, I'll be honest. Um, I was in the 50 Shades of Gray era. Okay. Shout out to us millennials, okay? I was in business. I did, it was so fun. I was like, that was fun. I rented out the movie theater and I sold tickets to my customers, and we all watched the movie and we bought all the product. It was like a whole thing, okay? So let's talk about bondage. And before anyone like stops this, like, stay with me because this isn't about anything super crazy, freaky, extreme. Like, I saw some shit at the show. I literally went to a, I guess you would call it a sex show. I mean, sex wasn't happening, but it's like all the brands in the space, right? So you would call it um, I mean, you would see swings and you would see lubes and you would see arousal creams and you would see butt plugs, you would see dolls. Those are creepy. That's like a whole conversation for another time. Those things like weigh 150 pounds. Everyone's into something. It's just is what it is. There would be like dildos that looked like two fists. I don't understand. I'm not shaming anyone, but I'm here to say we're not getting extreme here, guys. We're doing bondage one-on-one. We're like surface level, talking through some stuff, hopefully sparking some questions that we can all just continue on. Okay. This is about curiosity, about trust, and adding intention and anticipation to your sex life in a way that most people haven't explored because nobody has really explained it properly. We like saw it in the movie, and you're like, wow, he literally shoved a butt plug up her butt and you know, tied her up, and it was a little aggressive. Bondage can be soft and subtle, and you can ease into things. So at its most basic, it's consensual restriction of movement movement during sexual activity. That's it. It doesn't have to mean chains, dungeons, locking them up in a there's a bed. This is so crazy. There's actually a bed with a cage under the bed. We're not locking people up in cages. I'm not shaming anyone, but we're not going that far, okay? It can be as simple as holding your partner's wrists above their head or a silk tie around their wrists or a blindfold or being told not to move. When you take away one of the senses, it heightens everything. So when you blindfold your partner, it just makes every touch, every experience, every sensation just feel that much more heightened. The common thread isn't the equipment, it's the dynamic. Okay. The surrender, the control, the trust, and both sides, it can be really powerful if you're doing it right. So, why do people love bondage? So, here's what nobody tells you about bondage it's not really about physical restraint, it's about mental release, honestly. When you can't move or you're the one in control, your brain stops. It stops managing everything else. The to-do list, the grocery list, like what are your kids doing? It puts the body in, it puts you in a realm of a world that is present. And I'm here to tell you in today's day and age with cell phones and life and stress, most people are not present during intercourse anymore because they're just worrying about everything else. So, no performance anxiety. All of it quiets down because your entire focus narrows down to what's happening with your body and with your partner's body. Okay. And that's the gift of it. It's presence, full embodied presence. So instead of thinking as bondage as overly kinky, all this weird stuff is going on, it is bringing you together in this full embodied, like present moment. Okay. And for the person in control, there's something deeply intimate about being trusted with someone's vulnerability that's super hot. Okay. That's not power over someone, that's power with someone. So here's the non-negotiables when it comes to bondage, and that is consent and safety. So before we go any further, the three non-negotiables, and these are not optional. So one is consent, explicit, enthusiastic, enthusiastic, ongoing consent. Not assumed, not implied, asked for and given every time. There has to be consent. Okay. Thank you for attending my TED Talk about consent. Okay. Two is safe words. Yes, this is a thing. You need a word that means stop completely, whether it is pineapple or pepperoni or stop. I don't care what your safe word is. Maybe you all could share your safe words with me in my DMs, okay? Um, that does not mean slow down. That does not mean pause. That means stop. Okay. The classic is red stop for you, yellow for slowdown. Pick yours before you start this, not during, because you never want to be in an experience where you're vulnerable, uncomfortable, and it is just cross the line because it just really takes away that connection and that trust that you've built in the moment. So safe words are essential. Okay. Three is aftercare. When the scene is over, bondage or any kind of intense intimacy, you check in, you reconnect, you come back to each other as equals, you take care of each other, whether it's taking a hot shower, a nice bath, whether you have some um, I know beaver butter sells an amazing like aftercare serum because when things are intense, they're a little more intense, okay? Um, a hug, a conversation, a glass of water, whatever your person needs, aftercare is not optional, especially in this realm of things. It's how you protect the trust you just built, okay? So, where to start? If you're curious and you've never tried anything, here's where to start. Start with the blindfold. Remove one sense and watch how the others heighten, okay? It's simple, it's reversible, and it changes everything about how your partner experiences touch. Blindfolds available on my website. Next, wrist restraints, soft ones, velcro, silk ties, nothing that restricts circulation. Okay. The key is that the person is being restrained, can get out if they need to. The restraint is symbolic as much as it is physical. It's not like it's about the agreement, not the tightness here. Okay. Then communication. Talk about it before, talk about it after. Ask what they liked, what they didn't, what they want more of. Bondage doesn't work without communication. I said what I said. There is nothing freakier than you trying to get freaky deeky in the bedroom and nothing was communicated about, and then all of a sudden you're like getting like whipped and tied up. We're not doing that, okay? So conversation is important, it's key, it's essential. And honestly, uh, no sex is worth having without communication. This is like the biggest holdup when it comes to intimacy. Okay. So we're gonna go over some common myths and we're going to bust them when it comes to bondage because I wanted to make this a quickie. I don't want to stay on here forever, but I want to give you some insight about bondage and maybe answer your questions and lead you in the right direction of the products you could try and intermix into your relationship. So myth number one: bondage is only for kinky people wrong. Bondage is for anyone curious enough to try something intentional. Intention. It's uh trust me, intentional. Okay. Myth two, the person being restrained is powerless. Actually, the person being restrained holds all the power. They set limits, they hold the safe word. The person in control is serving their experience. Does that make sense? Okay. Three, you need special equipment to start. You actually don't, you could start right now with like a silk scarf, a tie, your hands. That's all you need to begin. But there's a lot of great products. If you need suggestions and myth four, this is one for my Utah people specifically. Wanting this doesn't make you broken or sinful. Okay. Desire is not something to be ashamed of. Curiosity is how you continue to grow and pleasure, real consensual, mutual pleasure, is one of the most human things there is. So get it out of your head that this is like not good. This is actually bringing connection and trust and is great. Okay. So I thought we could ask some have you ever in this dynamic of things? Some of these questions I don't know if I want to answer. Um, okay. Have you ever had angry sex? I'm gonna answer this and say sometimes you just gotta bang it out, right? Like you just had like a knockdown, drag out fight, because we are humans. Okay, we fight with our partners. If somebody's telling you they never fight with their partners, something is wrong with them. That is not normal behavior. So, yes, I guess you could say I've had angry sex, makeup sex. I don't like to call it angry sex. Okay. Have you ever used a butt plug? Yes. Moving on. Um, hair pulling or neck biting. Um, I do not prefer the hair pulling because I definitely have a weave in my hair and we don't want things to get weird. I have heard some stories. Shout out to my girl Cam. We need to have her on the podcast. She could tell you. She has clients that are like, oh my gosh, my man pulled my extension out. Say, what? No, we're not doing that. Okay. A little neck nibble, ear nibble. That's great. Um, have you ever sent naked pics to someone? Yes, my husband has an entire collection. Lucky man. Um, if you ever made a sex tape, that's none of your business. And have you ever used a blindfold? Yes. Um, have you ever had sex somewhere you absolutely should not have? I can't really think of a place right now, but I'm sure we have. And have you ever faked it? And no, I've never faked it. I am anti-faker. We are not faking things here. No, nope, nope. Okay. Confessions from the DMs. So I've always been curious about bondage, but I'm scared to bring it up with my partner because I don't want them to think I'm weird or that what we have isn't enough. Okay, here's the thing: wanting to explore with someone you love doesn't mean what you have isn't enough. It means you actually trust your partner enough to want to try something new. And I say this with everything when it comes to intimacy. Like that need, that want, that curiosity, that desire means you feel safe and connected with your partner and you want to continue to grow those really like intimate moments together. Okay. Say, I've been curious about trying something new. Would you be open to exploring? You don't have to present a full plan. Let's just open the door, okay? We're not doing a full bondage set, chain, whips, everything. We're just easing into things, okay? So the next DM is I've been with my husband for nine years and he has never once gone down on me, not once. I've been too embarrassed to ask, what do I do? This is the typical Utah like culture. Like they, I'm like, you literally like signed into all time and etern eternity with your partner, and you cannot talk about sex. Like, that's what I'm here for. Hopefully you're listening. Send it to your friend who needs this. So nine years is a long this collar is all funky. It's been all popped the whole time. Popping collars. Okay. Nine years is a long time to be quiet about something that is like this important. So you deserve this. And the embarrassment you're feeling, that's the shame culture that we have all been raised in. So um, it was put put there by a culture that taught women that their pleasure isn't a priority and it's not worth asking for. So ask for it directly. I want you to go down on me, and it's probably gonna turn them on. Thank me later. And if not, then we have a problem. Houston, we have a problem, and we can work through that. Okay. My boyfriend is completely silent during sex, and I genuinely cannot tell if he's enjoying himself. It makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. How do I bring this up without making it weird? The key here is do it outside of the bedroom. Okay. You do not want to bring this up mid-pound town bang sesh, okay? So not during, not right after. You want to be in a calm. Maybe you just sat down for a nice little dinner at your favorite taco joint or something, okay? Say, I love being with you and I want you to know something. I want to know if something feels good. Okay. Can you let me know when you're enjoying yourself? But you don't want to do this like mid-sess. Like, let's not ruin the moment. I've been guilty of that sometimes. Josh, sometimes like I'm a lingerie girl, like I like like the whole thing, and there's been times where we're like four plane, and then I'm like, hold, and I like run away, and then I get the and he's like, You just like ruin the moment. Like, I've been guilty of that. So um, you're asking for connection, that's a big difference. Like, you're not criticizing, but save it for communicating outside of the bedroom. And I think that's the thing that people struggle with is they feel like they need to communicate it while it's happening. You're actually better communicating it while it's not happening, and then you can build this open dialogue, not in the moment, out of the moment. So, in the moment, you're in the moment. A lot of repeating. Okay, so for the covet this this week, I'm gonna recommend because we talked about bondage. Um, I gave you some educational little blurbs. Let me know if you like it. I'm gonna continue to dabble into some of these topics and stuff. So this week for covet this is no matter where restraint system. I call this the face down ass up. Okay. So literally the image on the box is a girl in it, and literally her face down or her butt's up. So literally it like restrains in that position. It's super hot, okay? So it's not just a bed restraint, it works anywhere. You can do it on the bed, the door, a chair, literally anywhere you can imagine. So 10 feet of adjustable straps. You can travel with this bad boy. So you're not limited to one position, you're not locked into one setup. Um, the face down ass up is really hot though. He will love it. Same, just saying. This is a beginner bondage product. I would recommend to anyone who just heard today's segment and thought, okay, I may want to try this. Okay. No drilling, no installation, no explaining the weird purchase to your landlord. You're not gonna get a hole in your ceiling and your door's not gonna fall down. Okay. So the link is in the notes. It's the no matter where restraint system. And yes, that is the name. I like to refer to it as the face down ass up. You'll see when you see the product on my website, but it is a great product. Okay. So to wrap this up, here's what today was really about with this quickie. It's not, it's about knowing what you want, saying it out loud, and trusting yourself enough to ask for it. So whether it's better sex, more initiation, oral sex offered and given freely, the freedom to make noise, the curiosity to try something new, you are allowed to want more. You're allowed to say so, and you're allowed to be with someone who wants to give it to you. Okay, so stop performing, start asking. That's the law. That's your quickie for today. We got hot takes bondage basics. And have you ever, I hope some of this made you squirm and think and process just once. DM me if you ever have questions. Um, and share this with someone who needs it. Tag me. And if you want more bondage content, let me know because we're just getting started. I'm Cassidy, the law of Cassidy, and I will see you next week.