I Lost 12 Friends This Year — Here's What I Learned

This one is my real, raw therapy session. I'm not on the other side of this — I'm in the middle of it. So if you've ever said no and spent three days wondering if you offended someone, immediately checked the comments after doing something brave, or felt the sting of someone whispering about you behind your back — this episode is for you.

I'm getting into all of it: the people I've lost in my growth, the Utah-influencer-bubble that won't include me, the cheap chatter that almost made me question my entire podcast, and the trick I learned that actually stops the spiral when comparison hits.

💋 Why caring what people think is NOT a character flaw (it's biology)

💋 The Mormon-Utah pressure I'm done shrinking for

💋 Saying NO is saying yes to yourself — the smallest no to start with

💋 Stop trying to control the outcome (and what to do instead)

💋 If you have to force it, it's not for you

💋 What to ask yourself when someone tells you "people are talking"

💋 The 12 friendships I lost in the last year and a half — and what I learned

💋 The Pink Elephant trick that actually stops the spiral

💋 DM: "I say yes to everything. How do I start saying no?"

💋 DM: "I've been wanting to start something for 2 years. How do I build while being watched?"

This is the conversation I needed to have out loud. If you needed it too, DM me. Tell me what no you need to say. Tell me what you're building that scares you. I read everything.

🛍️ COVETED PICK THIS WEEK:

On Arousal Oil — for the women who just realized you've been giving everyone else your energy. Reclaiming pleasure is one of the most direct acts of choosing yourself that exists.

—————

The Law of Cassidy is where I talk intimacy, business, power, healing, and fun — the things people are too uncomfortable to talk about. New episodes every week.

🎧 Follow on Spotify + Apple Podcasts

📱 Follow @its_cassidybybee on Instagram + TikTok

🛍️ Shop everything at cassidybybee.com

#LawOfCassidy #CaringWhatPeopleThink #PeoplePleasing #PersonalGrowth #LosingFriends #BoundariesMatter #UtahPodcast #WomenWhoBuild

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey guys, welcome back. We are gonna get into something that I'm actively working through right now, not from the other side, but from the inside of it. So we're gonna get real deep and raw, and hopefully this is helpful. Um, we're gonna talk about caring what people think, okay? So not in this self-help, just stop caring way, because that advice is useless, and anyone who's ever built something publicly knows it. Like you can pretend, you can put on a facade, you can just say, just stop caring. But we're human, okay? I'm talking about this real version that the one where you know their opinion doesn't matter, but you still feel some type of way, and people in your life do not understand why you're allowing energy into someone that's hurt you or something that's been said to you. Um the one where you say no to someone and then spend three days wondering if they're okay and if your boundary was offensive, the one where you did something brave and then immediately checked to see how people responded. This is real. We go through it, even the people that you think are the most confident or they have everything together, they also struggle with it. This is a quickie, just me. Had a lot of quickies lately. Um, welcome back, main ones. Let's get into it. Welcome to the Law of Cassidy, where we talk intimacy, business, power, healing, and conversations where most people are uncomfortable to have. I'm Cassidy, entrepreneur, wife, mom, and someone who has spent nearly two decades in the intimacy and wellness space. If you, if someone sent you this episode, you're in the right place. This is for the vain ones. So here's the thing that nobody says caring what people think isn't a character flaw, it's actually wiring. So we're social creatures. We literally are designed to care about being a part of something and belonging. We want to be accepted, we want to be included, we don't want to be rejected from a group. For most of human history, being cast out of community meant you didn't survive. So your brain treats social rejection like a physical threat. That's not weakness, that's actual like scientific evolution. Okay. So here's where it gets complicated. We are living in a world that has weaponized the wiring. Social media gives you a daily count of how many people approve of you. Um, building publicly means your choices, your brand, your life. All of it is available for commentary. And we carry the opinions of hundreds of people we've never met alongside the opinions of the ones we actually love and care about. So that's a weight we were never designed to carry or understand or know how to navigate through. So before we talk about caring less, I want to acknowledge that caring at all makes sense and you're not alone. And it's not a bad thing that you actually care. Because I think in society, too many people, too many preachers, too many coaches on the internet are just telling you to just not care and move on with your life. But in reality, everyone cares. Okay. So you're not broken for feeling this, you're just a human, and and it's a lot of noise that we deal with every day. Okay. So, first thing I want to talk about is saying no is saying yes to yourself. This is probably, and just so you guys know, this is my therapy session. Welcome to being a part of it and hopefully it helps someone, okay? So we're gonna talk about saying the word no, because I think it's one of these places where caring what people think ends up costing us the most. Saying no is gonna be uncomfortable. There are thousands of situations where I look back on now that I'm almost 39 years old that I wish I would have said no. Okay. So it's uncomfortable. It's hard. And the reason it's hard is isn't just because we don't want the conflict, it's because we genuinely care about people. That's my biggest thing is I don't ever want someone to feel some type of way because I have had the backlash of people not being kind or, you know, I don't, I don't ever want to portray that dynamic or hurt someone else. Okay. We don't want to feel the way of what happens in the relationship after we say it. Um, you have the anxiety of them taking it the wrong way. But here's what I keep coming back to: when you say no to something, you say no because you don't have the capacity or because it crosses a boundary because it's not right for you. You're not rejecting someone. Okay. You're choosing yourself and you are saying yes to what you actually need. And the alternative is always the same. You say yes to avoid the discomfort. You make the other person happy, you sidestep the conflict. This is where you build resentment, this is where you have unattainable expectations dynamic, okay? And you walk away feeling taken advantage of, overextended, and resentful, okay? So you can't show up for them in a way you would have if you just would have been honest in the first place. And let's like take a step back and realize like, how many times have you realized somebody like lied to you or pretended XYZ and you feel terrible? Wouldn't you just want them to be honest in the first place? So I think honesty is the best policy, and you being honest is choosing yourself and delivering that is not you rejecting someone that's choosing yourself, okay? So saying yes to myself is worth saying no to others. That sentence took me a long time. I'm still struggling with believing that, okay? So here's the part that actually stings and is probably even more paralyzing than anything else. Um, when you say no, the other person gets to respond however they want. Sometimes they pull away, sometimes you lose the opportunity, sometimes you lose the friendship, which in my situation has happened many times. Okay. That discomfort is real and it's still worth it because a no rooted in self-respect is never rooted in rejection. It's rooted in love, love for yourself and honestly, love for them too, because you cannot pour from being empty. So stop trying to fill everyone else's cups. If yours is empty, you're not going to be able to show up in your relationships as the best version of yourself. Okay. So the other thing I want to talk about, which I'm sharing this because you're in my real and raw therapy session today, is stop trying to control the outcome. We spend so much energy trying to control outcomes in relationships, in business, in what people think of us. Here's the reality: you can't control what other people think, you can't control their behavior, you can't control how they respond. You cannot plan your way into a guaranteed income because I'll tell you what, I will have planned it already. And 97.9% of the time, it goes in a completely different direction that I was not expecting. Okay. And every time you try to over-explain, over-apologize, overperform to manage someone's perception of you, you exhaust yourself and you still don't control it. I find myself doing this, feeling this way of seeing what I've built, seeing the DMs of people that are thanking me for helping them with their relationships, helping them understand their bodies, helping them learn new things. But then I'm always trying to over-explain to people why I should be accepted, over, you know, justify like, because I live in Utah, you guys. Like I am probably the most judged here. Like it is so hard to have something so big, right? And compare myself. You see, all I mean, we're practically the influencer capital of the world, okay? And you see all these influencer dynamics in Utah, and they're all getting invited to all the things. Even when it comes down to events in my niche, I still don't get included. I don't get, you know, respected. Like I'm valid because of what I'm doing, but I can't get caught up in that. And I also have to like protect my peace and show up for myself in a way that I don't need to explain to anyone what I'm doing, how good it is. Because if they're the right people, they will know. And many of you know, and many of you are supporting that. Okay. So what you can control is you, your actions, your choices, and how you show up. And here's what I've learned about forcing things. If you have to beg for it to work, if you have to compromise your own values, which I have done, I'm saying these out loud because I have done this so many times, okay? If you have to ignore your own needs, bend yourself backwards to make something fit. Maybe it's not supposed to freaking fit, okay? Maybe you're not supposed to be at that event, or maybe you're not supposed to be considered like everyone else, okay? Maybe you're better off without it, without them, without that job, without that friendship, okay? That doesn't mean hard things aren't worth working for. It doesn't mean you don't show up and apply yourself and make sacrifices. That's just life. But there's a difference between working hard for something and forcing something that's not working. Time and time again, I have been told in situations, if it is hard, it is not right. And anytime I've had situations where things flow easily, it works out. So if you're struggling with something and you're fighting and you're fighting and you're fighting, I'm here to tell you, let's reroute and try something different because what you're forcing to fit is not meant to fit. Okay. So when we stop trying to force the outcome, when we focus on what we really can control and let the rest be, we make space for things that are actually supposed to be here. And those things don't require you to disappear as who you are authentically as yourself to earn them. Okay. So it brings us full circle to remember. I saw a TikTok, or maybe it was an Instagram reel, and it said, like, somebody said to me that I am allowing someone to disrupt or upset me in my own life. And it's true. Like you make a decision to allow their energy to affect your own. This is your life, okay? So the older I get, the more I feel this in my bones. Like it's my life, okay? Mine. One. And I cannot live it to fit into this Utah mold or people to think I'm good enough to be invited to X, Y, and Z. Okay. I cannot live to keep everyone comfortable. I'm sorry that you don't like that I'm on a sex swing on the internet, but there was a couple that almost got divorced and saw my video and tried it and started connecting more. Like, don't you think that's a positive thing? So I cannot keep shrinking myself so people who are afraid of growth don't have to feel uncomfortable watching me. Like, that's not my requirement. This is my life. And I want to be really clear. This isn't about becoming someone who doesn't care about people. I love people. I probably love people too much. Okay. Um, I will go out of my way for people in my life, and that's never gonna change. If you're one of my people, you know. Like you're my people, okay? But there is a difference between doing something that makes someone uncomfortable and doing something for yourself that happens to make someone feel uncomfortable. One is about them, the other is about you. And the only one of those is your responsibility to manage, okay? People who don't have the courage to do what you're doing are gonna resent you for doing it. Okay. Do you know how many people, how much stuff came back to me about this podcast? Who does she think she is, or nobody wants to listen to her podcast? I mean, go look at some of the reviews on the podcast. And I had a moment where I was like, man, that feels yucky. But then I realized whatever the username was, happiness coach123 took the time to come on my podcast page and write that review, just proves to me that that review doesn't matter because there's so many other people that are grateful and gracious and kind. Okay. So people, like I said, people who don't have the courage to do something like a podcast or create content or talk about butt plugs on the internet are gonna resent you. They're gonna talk shit, they're gonna start drama, okay? You show them a mirror they didn't ask to look in. Like they're literally looking at something that they wish they could do, but they choose not to do, okay? When you take the risk and the reward comes, when you build the thing, when you launch the brand, you start the podcast, you say the true thing, it makes people feel the weight of their own choices. And it's uncomfortable to them. If you're living authentically and they can't live authentically, they're envious of that. But they all have a choice, they can too live authentically, but they're too caught up in worrying about what everybody thinks that they won't show up authentically. So this is not your problem to solve. If you want a new life, get ready to watch your old one shift. And this has been earth-shattering to me because I had some comfortable dynamics and I thought it was my life and it was great. And man, the universe ripped the rug out from under me. And it it sucked. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna say it was easy. It still sucks. I still have moments, okay? Because who you used to be is not who I'm like, I could not stay in those friendship dynamics, those connections, those career dynamics because it's not who I'm becoming, and not everyone is gonna make that journey with me. And I have to accept that, and you have to accept that. And it's okay, that's growth, but that's the cost of becoming your authentic true self. Okay, you can only reach the level you're willing to face yourself. People who aren't willing to face themselves don't love watching people who are. Remember that the next time somebody says something negative about you, comments on one of your posts, you hear you're the topic of conversation. Like, just remember that. Like, you've outgrown that behavior, you've outgrown that dynamic. Okay. So, speaking of talk about you, let's talk about it. Let's talk about gossip. Because if anybody's gossiped about, hi, I'm the queen of everybody talk shit about me, hi, everybody start false rumors about me, hi, okay. Because if you're building something publicly, which I didn't realize how big this was until a friend of mine sat me down and was like, this is insane. You are getting 333 million views every 90 days, okay? That's visible, that's brave, okay? People are gonna talk, it's gonna happen. So here's what I want you to remember every single time it does. And I am literally reading this to you guys and reading it out loud, and I put this together for me because I have been struggling, like cry calling my friend Haley, like crumbling on the phone, like I feel really alone. Like, I don't, I don't know why this has happened. Like, these people were part of my family dynamic, and they just like one day decide they just want to block and peace out from my life. It's wild, okay? People talk about you behind your back because when they talk about themselves, no one's listening. Their life is boring, they don't have anything worth talking about. So instead of disrupting their life and making something positive and something to talk about, they're gonna just talk shit about someone who's doing all the scary, big, awesome things. Okay. Tearing you down makes them feel taller for a moment. Whispering about what you're building is easier than building something themselves. They don't want to take the risk of being judged. They don't want to take the risk of, will I look stupid? They don't want to take the risk of are people gonna talk about me. So that's the real reason they're talking about you. Not because you did something wrong, because you're doing something worth noticing, and they can't even wrap their brains around trying because they're just so consumed with their miserable world of not doing anything worth talking about. Okay. So when you hear the chatter, don't get angry, and that's hard because I do. Okay, take it as proof you're doing something worth talking about. And this one I want you to really sit with. When someone tells you that other people were talking about you, ask yourself because this happened recently to me, and I didn't process in this way, and I wish I would have. Ask yourself why those people felt comfortable saying it to them. Okay, that question tells you everything you need to know about both of them. Because yeah, that person may be coming to you and being like, well, they, you know, they thought, well, why did that person feel comfortable saying that to you? And I know I have a safe space in a friendship dynamic because I know people have come to that friend and tried like on a roundabout way to say something negatively about me, and she just like flings it back positively, and they realize, oh yeah, we're not gonna be able to talk about Cassidy to her because she's like, nope, mm-mm, nope, we're not doing that. That's what a real friend is, and you may not have the five best friends you used to have, you may just have one still, or you may have 35. Lucky you, right? Like, but it's the real ones, it's the ones that you know when you're not in rooms, they're bringing you up for opportunities. It's the ones that you know when you're not in rooms, they're not talking negatively about you. Okay. So check the scoreboard, not theirs, yours. That one measures what you've actually built and what you've actually become. That's the only one that matters. And I'm literally saying this out loud for myself because it's really hard to have people in your life that you think are your people that aren't your people. And it really sucks when it happens all at once. Because that's literally the I think the universe is like, okay, bitch, you ain't listening. We're gonna just go ahead and rip this rug out from under you. You feel very alone, you question who you are. I literally was like questioning creating content, you guys. What? Like, I've never been that way, and I've allowed the energy of this of people that weren't my people to make me question me and what I'm building. Oh no, hell no. So I know you're like, I did not come to church today, and Cassidy is literally preaching. I hope this is helpful to some of you, and please let me know if it is. So the next thing I want to share with you is something that I actually saw in a reel that was super helpful to me because it shows you the power of your brain, okay? So it changes the way you handle like spiraling your thoughts, okay? So I want you to try it now, okay? So I want you to think about a pink elephant. I know this seems so weird, but everybody just think about a pink elephant. So you just did it immediately without effort, okay? So you could have been thinking about anything your day, your stress, what someone said about you last week, and I gave you one instruction and your mind went there instantly. This is how much control you have over your own thoughts. I suck at this, but I'm trying to get better, okay? So, and we forget that completely. So, next time you're scrolling and the comparison spiral starts. Why why aren't I there yet? Why do they have that? Why didn't I get invited? Why is this taking so long? Stop and think about a pink elephant. I interrupt the spiral before it gets traction, okay? Redirect your mind with the same speed. It just moved to a random pink elephant, okay? You're more in control of your thoughts than your anxiety wants you to believe. The spiral is a habit, and habits can be interrupted. So pink elephant, every time, stop the spiral, dead in his tracks. Everybody just think of pink elephant. Hopefully, you all just like start messaging me, pink elephant, that this was helpful. Okay. So we're gonna get into some DMs, um, kind of about this subject and then the usually that we normally do. So, first DM says, Cassidy, I say yes to everything because saying no makes me physically anxious. I know it's a problem. I know I'm overextended. I just can't make myself do it differently. How do you actually start? So you start with. The smallest possible no, not a big scary one. The one that costs you the least, a declined invitation. Uh, I can't make that work. Uh, let me think about it. Instead of an automatic yes, you want to train the muscle on low stakes first because here's what happens: you say a small no, the discomfort comes and then it passes, okay? And you realize you actually survived it. And the next no gets a little easier. So, people pleasing is a habit built on fear. I have a PhD in it. Let me know if you have questions. Okay. And the fear loses power every time you walk through it and come to the other side. Okay. Okay. So just start with small little things. Okay. Next question. I've been wanting to start something publicly for two years, but every time I every time I get close, I think about what specific people in my life will say, and I stop. How do you build when you know people are watching and judging? Listen, I have literal, like distant like family members, like uncles and aunts that like unfollow me on social media. Like, I don't care. So you just need to stop caring about those specific people in your head. They're already forming opinions about you right now without you doing anything. So you might as well just give them something worth having an opinion about. Like, yeah, I'm in a sex swing on the internet. If you don't like it, you can unfollow me. But you might need a sex swing on the internet if you're offended that I'm in a sex wing on the internet. Just saying, okay. The people who judge you for trying are not the people who will celebrate you when you succeed. They were never going to be in that room. Build for the people that who that are going to be in that room that want to celebrate you, that are excited that you're trying. Okay. They're out there waiting, but they can't find you if you never start. You just have to do the things. And always remember this is your thing. You have to do it because you want to do it, not do it because of everyone else. Because I'm here to tell you they're not going to be the one to come and save you if X, Y, or Z. So you need to make the decision for yourself. Okay. Um Lost Friends by Gro Growing DM. This one hits home for me. I've been doing a lot of personal work this past year and I've grown a lot, but I've also lost friendships because of it. People I thought were close, it's making me wonder if growth is worth the cost. So the friendships that couldn't survive your growth were never going to survive survive your life. Okay. They were built on a version of you that needed to stay small and keep them comfortable. That's not a friendship, that's a dynamic. And yes, losing it hurts. I literally have gone through this like in the last year and a half with over 12 people. You guys, I will take all my ownership. I went to my therapist and I was like, it's me. Fix me. What am I doing? Okay. It's not me. It's I was a people-pleasing, overly giving person that then started to shift and get healthy boundaries, and now all of a sudden seeing these true color dynamics of these people. Okay. So the space it leaves, that's where people you can actually meet can go. Okay. You're not too much. You just outgrew a container that was never the right size. Which some of my containers, I was like, wait, what? Like I keep saying Hayley, but she's literally been like keeping me through this. Um, she literally said um to me, she was just like, These aren't your people. Like, you gotta just let it go. And same with my friend Heather. Heather has multiple times been like, Yeah, well, that behavior, like, do you want those people in your life? And in the moment, it feels heavy. In the moment, it's like these are my people. It's comfortable, right? But when you're growing and you're turning into something bigger, it's gonna be uncomfortable. And this is just God's way of like, look at me wearing my God's country hat, talking about God. God's country. Anyways, sorry, side note. A D D. Um, it's like God's way of literally planting you in the right dynamics. Like these people couldn't be with you in this next phase, and it hurts and it sucks. And you question yourself and you wonder, what did I do wrong? What did I you didn't do anything wrong? You just upgraded your life and they just want to be miserable over there. They don't want to be authentic, they don't want to show up differently, they don't want to celebrate your win. They're not your people. They're not your people. And I'm saying this out loud because I need to say it out loud because I have dealt with this a lot. So, okay. So this week's covet this is for the women who just listened to this entire episode and realized that you have been giving everyone else your energy and leaving nothing for yourself. So it's that on arousal oil because reclaiming your pleasure is one of the most direct acts of choosing yourself that exists. It's not frivolous, it's not selfish. It is saying I matter too. So it's an all-natural, it actually increases blood flow and sensitivity. A small amount goes a long way. It creates this like buzzing sensation, you guys. I didn't know my clitters could buzz without a vibrator, but possible with the on arousal oil. Okay. So it's a reminder, a physical, tangible reminder that your body and your pleasure deserve the same attention you give to everyone else. So get yourself some on, put it on, you deserve it. And like always, the law of Cassidy, you are going to care what people think. That's not gonna go away. We can pretend to pretend that we don't care. Um, honestly, it shouldn't go away. Caring means you're a connected, good person, and caring means you're human. But here's the difference between caring and being controlled by it. Caring is noticing the feeling, being controlled is letting that feeling make your decisions. And that has shaken me to my core in the last year and a half and not sitting in it. And it's okay to have a bad day, and it's okay to like really care, but you can't let it hold you back, okay? Saying the no, building the thing, take the risk, lose the friendships that can't hold on to the real you. Let the outcome be what it is, okay? And when their cheap chatter starts, check the scoreboard and not their scoreboard, your scoreboard, because you're building something great great and big and massive and awesome, okay? So that's your quickie. And if this one hit you, I want to hear about I want to hear about it. So DM me, tell me what you're navigating through right now. Tell me what no you need to say to someone. Tell me what you're building that scares you. I read everything and I'm rooting for every single one of you. I'm Cassidy. This is the law of Cassidy, and I'll see you next week.