How I Stopped Becoming Roommates with My Husband

If you've turned into roommates passing in the night since the kids came, this one's for you.

Real question — when was the last time we had sex that didn't involve a child knocking on the door, a whisper, a monitor on the nightstand, or ending early because we heard a sound? If you paused on that, you're in the right place.

In this quickie episode, I'm giving you 5 tangible tips for actually being intimate with your partner while raising small humans. We're talking King Night / Queen Night (the system that takes the mental load out of initiating), why nap time is sacred, the morning quickie (the most underrated move in parenting), date nights as maintenance (not luxury), and yes — car sex. I'm putting it on a bumper sticker.

Plus the confession story about my daughter walking in on us (always. lock. the. door.), three DMs from real listeners in the trenches, and the Carry-On Confidential Kit you didn't know you needed.

Having kids doesn't mean your sex life has to die. It means it has to evolve.

💋 If this hit you, send it to a friend or your partner. DM me your car sex stories — I read every single one.

🔗 Shop everything mentioned, including the Carry-On Confidential Kit and the Magic Wand Micro, https://www.cassidybybee.com/

Transcript

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Hey guys, welcome back to The Law of Cassidy. This episode is gonna be good and totally useful because I think so many parents deal with this. So we're gonna go over five tips for squeezing in sex when you have small kids. Like, because so many people literally just like turn into roommates passing in the night and forget to connect. So I'm gonna give you some tangible tasks that can make it so you can actually be intimate more with your partner because having kids should not disrupt your relationship, it disrupts life, but it shouldn't disrupt it that much. So, real question when was the last time you had sex that didn't involve at least one of the following? A a child knocking on the door, someone whispering, a monitor on the nightstand, or ending early because you heard a sound. If you paused on that, this episode is for you. Having small kids does not mean your sex life has to die. It means it just has to evolve. We have to get a little creative. And today I'm giving you five tips on how to make it happen. It's a quickie, ironically. Let's get into it. So I want to say something before we get into the tips because I think it needs to be said out loud. Kids change everything, okay? Including your sex life. And it's okay to admit that, okay? You're exhausted, you're touched out, I feel that, okay. You gave your body to someone else all day, literally, and then you're supposed to show up as a sexual person at 9 p.m. when you've been running on empty since 6 a.m. or even probably 4 a.m. Okay. That's really hard. And pretending it isn't hard is how resentment builds quietly between two people who love each other. So, because here's what I know after almost two decades in this space, intimacy doesn't disappear because the love is gone. It disappears because life got loud and nobody made space for it. And when the intimacy disappears for long enough, that distance starts to feel normal, and normal starts to feel permanent. Okay. It doesn't have to be permanent, but it does have to be intentional. That's what today is about. Five tips, real ones, short, sweet from a mom who has lived this. So let's get into it. Okay, so tip number one, I'm gonna tell you to schedule it and make it a king or a queen night, which I got from another creator on social media, the libido fairy is her name. She talks about these nights, and I was like, these are such good ideas. So I need you to schedule it, okay? Spontaneous sex is a beautiful idea that belongs in the same category as sleeping in or hot meals. You have a small child, okay? Those things existed before children, okay? The magic of we'll just see what happens tonight, like died the moment someone needed a glass of water at 9 p.m., okay, and then another glass, and then is having a bad dream, and then it needs to snuggle or needs to be fed, okay? And then a very detailed retelling of the dream. Like we are living in this, this is our life, okay? Waiting for spontaneity and never having sex is not romantic. It's a slow fade, and this is where the separation keeps happening, and you turn into actual roommates passing in the night, okay? So put it on the freaking calendar, protect it like the meeting it is. Here's what's funny, we've talked about it. My husband does not like the scheduling idea. Um, he likes the spot spontaneous dynamic, and um we've been testing this, okay? So this is where it gets fun. Don't just schedule the sex. You needed to schedule a king knight or a queen night. And I can't take credit for this. Libito Ferry, shout out to you. Thank you for sharing this with the world because it's such a good idea. So, how it works, you take turns being in charge. So King Knight, he decides everything, okay? Whether you guys have a note app where you communicate or just texting that talks about it, okay? The toy, the lube, the sexting, the yay or nay, the um lingerie he wants to see you in, the location, the vibe. Does he want a blowjob? Does he want a massage? Does he want this? Okay. What happens and how? He plans it, he sets it up, you show up. Okay. It's all the things he loves. Okay. Queen Knight, you get to decide everything. Maybe you want a nice warm bath before. You want a toy, you want a lube, what you want to wear or not to wear, where it happens. Um, maybe you want to be, you know, stimulated in this way first. Maybe you want this that way, okay? You plan it, you set it up, he shows up. Okay. Here's why this works so well when you have small children. It eliminates the mental load of initiation because that is actually a thing. Okay. So nobody has to wonder if the other person's in the mood or not. Okay. Neither of you have to figure out how are we going to start this? How is this going to go? It's already decided, it's already planned. The only job of the non-planning partner is to show up and be present. Okay. It builds a fun anticipation. Like back when you were dating and you were like excited to like see each other again. You know what's coming. You think about it, you prepare for it. The mental warm up is half of the freaking experience. And it costs you literally nothing. Okay. And it gives both partners a turn to be fully served and fully in control. You're not always the one making it happen. You're not always the one receiving. You trade, you take turns, you learn what your partner actually wants when they have full permission to ask for it. Safe space and you get to like evolve and learn and try and do all these things together. Okay. The toys, the lube, the lingerie, all this goes into the planning. And you can check my shop for everything you need to stock that actual rotation. Always, you know, linked below. Put it in the calendar, name it K night or Q night so nobody's kids can decode it. Okay. And show up for each other like it's the most important meeting of your week. Because it is. So just a fun way to do it. And bonus, while you're scheduling at a weekly check-in, 10 minutes, no kids present. Just how are you doing? How are we doing? What do you need this week? Couples who become parents often lose the couple entirely because all their energy goes to the child. The check-in keeps you two in the room together, even when life is loud. Okay. Tip number two: nap time is sacred. Protect it like your life depends on it. So it's the one window the universe gives you, and I'm begging you to stop wasting it on doing the freaking dishes. The dishes will be there when nap time is over. The laundry will survive another hour. The Instagram scroll is not time sensitive. Like nap time is your window. And if you have a partner home, that window is for you, both of you. Okay. Not productivity, not catching up, you two, okay? I know what happens. The baby goes down and you think, I'll just quickly do this one thing and then another thing. And then you hear them waking up and the window is absolutely freaking gone. Nothing happened between both of you, and you go back to performance of normal life, okay? Stop. The second your child closes their eyes, you close the bedroom door, okay? The rest of the house can wait. Your relationship cannot. Nap time is sacred. Treat it that way. And I know that this feels very like structured and planning, but you actually have to do that when you have kids, or you will literally become disconnected so quickly. Okay. Three, the morning quickie is the most underrated move in parenting. Listen, I am not a morning person, okay? But sometimes you have to set your alarm 20 minutes early. Nobody knows, nobody gets hurt. You start the day connected instead of depleted, okay? The morning quickie is the most underrated move in parenting. Not my favorite time, but it is time to get it in, okay? Here's why it works. The kids aren't up yet, the day hasn't hit you yet. Your body is rested. Your brain hasn't started running the to-do list. Okay. You're actually present in a way that's genuinely harder to access at 10 p.m. because you're touched out, drained out, your brain's fried. You're literally gone through all the things stress, craziness, chaos of life. Okay. So 20 minutes, that's all. Set the alarm, handle your business, get up, make the coffee, face the day. Okay. You'll be in a better mood. Your partner will be in a better mood. You will be more patient with your kids. You can handle the actual chaos with more grace because you started the day connected to the person instead of immediately in service mode. Okay. 20 minutes earlier, try it once. Let me know how it goes. Okay. Tip number four. This is probably my favorite. Date nights are non-negotiable and car sex is criminally underused. Yeah, we're gonna talk about car sex, okay? Date nights are non-negotiable. They are not a luxury, they are maintenance, okay? Your relationship requires time outside of the house, outside of the parenting dynamic, outside of the shared to-do list. Get a freaking babysitter, go to dinner, come home and remember why you chose each other. I have fallen in this trap before. Life is busy, jobs busy, kids busy, and you kind of let date nights fade, and it affects your relationship. It is so important, okay? So I want to say this with complete sincerity. Car sex is criminally underused by parents, and I think we need to talk about this, okay? You don't need a freaking hotel, don't waste the money, okay? You need 45 minutes in your driveway or a parking lot, okay? Think about it. No kids, no monitor, no knocking, no sounds from down the hall, just two people in a car, which by the way is where probably most of us started banging it out anyway, so it's kind of like fun, right? Um, there's something full circle about car sex as a parent, okay? You began there, you come back there. The seats fully recryed, the windows fog up, nobody's interrupting you. Drive somewhere quiet after dinner or before dinner or instead of dinner. I don't care. But car sex is a parent love language. I'm putting that on a bumper sticker. You can buy them at just kidding. Okay. So, um, tip number five is close the door, lock it. Your kids will be fine. Okay. Um, I know all the guilt. I live the guilt. The filling of a locked door means you're somehow unavailable or inaccessible or doing something wrong. I'm you guys can learn from my mistake. Jovi was probably three. We just put her on a little iPad. We went in our room. We didn't lock the door. Mistake. You always lock the door, okay? If you ever had your kids walk in on you, this was my moment. TMI. Um, doggy style. I was like holding a pillow, and we were just going to town, and Jovi came in, and next thing I know is I look over and I have this cute little face right there. And she was like, Hey mom, give me a pillow. Is it my turn? And I was like, Oh my gosh, Josh like jumped. He ran to the bathroom, he was like mortified, right? Like, hopefully she'll never remember this. I mean, she was only three, but I should have locked the door, okay? So always lock the door, okay? Your children do not need access to you 24 hours a day. They need a parent who has a sense of a self, a marriage that is nourished, and a model for what a healthy adult relationship looks like, okay? So a locked bedroom door teaches your children that adults have privacy, that boundaries exist, that your parents have a relationship with each other that is separate from their relationship with you. These are good things to learn. These are things that will serve them when they're adults building their own relationships, okay? And practically speaking, if they knock, they can wait. Okay. If it's a real emergency, they'll tell you, okay? Kids are more resilient than guilt makes you feel. Close the door, lock it, put something on that covers the sound if you need to. Handle your business, come out better for it, okay? The guilt is the thing that kills sex lives, not the kids. Don't let the guilt win, okay? So we're gonna get into some, like I said, it's quickie, okay? We're gonna get into some confessions in the DMs, and I'm also gonna share a product thing that's gonna help with the car sex, which is so good. Okay, so Cassidy, I love my husband, and I'm genuinely not interested in leaving him, but I have had I have a two-year-old and a four-year-old, and by the time they're both asleep, I'm so depleted that sex feels like one more thing being asked of my body. I don't know how to want it when I have nothing left. Help. Okay, first you're not broken and you're not alone. I have felt all of these feels, okay? And I only have one kid, so kudos to you, okay? Touched out is a real thing, okay? To spending all day in physical contact with small humans who need things from your body. Your nervous system is actually depleted. And then even adding to that, like I have a husband that's a physical touch person, so I'm like touch, tapped, okay? The solution isn't to push through and perform, it's to change when and how you approach intimacy. Remember, we're planning, okay? So morning quickie before they wake up, nap if you have time, a locked door on a Sunday afternoon, stop waiting for 9 p.m. when you have nothing left, okay? Find the windows earlier in the day. Something that we have done is at the end of the day, we want to sit down and watch a show, but I'm like, listen, if we're gonna bang it out, we're we're gonna do it now. Like, if we sit and watch the show, I'm gonna be tapped. You're not gonna get laid. Like, it's just the reality. So getting off off the couch and going and doing our thing as soon as Jovi gets down, so then we're not like stuck in the show loop. We all have a show we want to watch, and then by the time the show's over, I'm like, I'm so tired. And I also hit a threshold. I don't know if anyone else is like this. I hit a threshold if it's after a certain time. If I have sex, I won't be able to fall asleep. Josh is like passed out snoring happy, see you later, and I'm like buzzed wired, like here we are. So yeah, okay. So um find the windows earlier in the day, like I said, and communicate this to your partner, not as a rejection, but as a request to be creative together. You're not saying no, you're saying not like this. There's a huge difference, okay? Damn number two. We have a seven-month-old and we have not had sex since before she was born. That is a long time. I don't know about you guys. I was like overly weirdly, it was probably all the hormones horny when I couldn't have sex. Like I was still healing, like it was like we're not having sex. So I don't know how you go seven months? It's crazy. Okay. Um, so that's over a year. My husband hasn't pushed, but I can't, I can feel the distance, and I'm scared of what happens if we wait much longer. How do I get back to us when I barely feel like myself? Okay. A year postpartum with a seven-month-old is one of the hardest seasons for intimacy that exists. Your body just did something crazy and it's still recovering. And you're like, I almost felt disconnected with my body after having Jovi just because it was such a traumatic delivery that you're like trying to figure everything out. Okay. So everything's recovering hormonally, physically, emotionally. The distance you're feeling, it's real and it's worth addressing before it becomes the new normal. Okay. Start smaller than sex. Start with touch that has no destination, a hug that lasts longer than three seconds, skin to skin contact without expectation. Rebuilding physical connections starts way before the bedroom. And talk to your doctor. I'm not a doctor, I don't give medical advice, but postpartum hormones can significantly affect desire. And there are options. So you're not stuck here, but you need to address it. The fact that you're scared of the distance means you know it matters. So start there. And any woman who's been postpartum, like, is filling the fills in this, okay? Like, there's a way through, but you just gotta start taking the action, okay? Um last DM of the day. Casting, my husband and I finally got brave and tried the nap window. Go you! And our toddler woke up in 12 minutes flat. Like she said something was happening. Is she psychic or do I need a longer nap schedule? She's absolutely psychic. Just kidding. They all are. So technically, it's kind of like a gift they're kind of born with, specifically to humble us, okay? The answer is a longer nap schedule, a white noise machine outside the door, and a complete acceptance that sometimes the universe will not cooperate. You can try again tomorrow. The 12-minute attempt still counts as effort, and I'm proud of you. But also, you can win here by locking the door, too. So your kid will be fine. We talked about it, okay? So this week's Covet This is a two partner, and both of both of them tie directly into tip number four. So this is called, these are new. It's called the carry-on confidential kit. So this is the adult bag. It is literally designed for exactly what I described. So everything you need for on-the-go intimacy in one discrete grab and go kit. So inside the kit, you're gonna have beaver butter wipes. So literally, they're gentle cleansing wipes made with soothing aloe, specifically designed for your intimate areas, portable, discrete, your secret weapon for feeling fresh and confident wherever the moment finds you, car, hotel, wherever. Okay. Paired with the kit is the magic wand micro. This is the magic wand you already know and love. Same quality, same power, same magic, but it fits in your purse. It's tiny, okay? Your glove compartment, your adult diaper bag, whatever you want to call it, okay? The micro runs up to 6,500 RPM. Let me say this again: 6,500, okay, rotations per minute in something pocket-sized. So it's powered by a USB-C. So it charges like your phone, okay? Up to three hours of runtime on a single charge. So soft silicone head, flexible neck, two simple buttons. It is the perfect car vibe because I think you should keep a vibrator in your car for car sex, okay? So the magic wand has been the gold standard in the industry for decades. The micro is the same thing, but it literally fits in your hand. Like it's perfect, okay? Car Sex just got a massive upgrade. Both are linked in the show notes. The carry-on confidential kit all together comes with multiple products that'll be perfect for that car sex capade, okay? So, wrapping this up, this short, sweet, quickie. Your kids need a lot of things from you. They need your time, they need your patience, they need your presents, your snacks apparently at all freaking hours. But here is what they need most. They need to grow up watching two people who choose each other and keep choosing each other. And they do watch and they do notice, and it does matter. Your sex life is not separate from your parenting. It's part of it. Okay. A nourished relationship makes you a better parent. A connected partnership makes your home feel safer. A marriage that is tended to give your children a model that they're gonna carry into their own relationships one day. So close the door, set the alarm early, use the nap time, drive somewhere quiet after dinner. I cannot wait for you guys to send me all the DMs about your car sex experiences. Watch us like get in trouble with the locks or like banging it out in a parking lot. Is that a thing? I don't know. So if I just requested that, I'm sorry. Your driveway? I mean, they won't know you're there. Okay. Um, anyways, um, so close the door, set the alarm, drive somewhere, not because you owe anyone a performance, because you deserve a relationship that's alive. And I'm sorry, car sex is really fun. So your kids are gonna be fine. You need to be fine too, and that is the law. So five, five tips: a parking law, endorsement, and permission to lock the door without guilt. If this episode hit you, send it to your friend or your partner who needs it. The ones whose sex life is slowly becoming like distant. Maybe they're complaining about feeling like roommates. This one's for them. And like I said, DM me your car sex stories. I want to hear all about it. I mean it. I will not share them, but I will absolutely read every single one. I'm Cassidy, and this is the law of Cassidy. I'll see you next week.