People Don't Hate You... They Hate That You're Being Yourself

Everyone tells you to "be yourself."

Nobody tells you how.

In this solo episode of The Law of Cassidy, I'm sharing the mindset shifts that completely changed my life and helped me stop living for other people's approval.

This isn't about becoming louder.

It's about becoming freer.

I talk about why authenticity costs you relationships, why so many people stay trapped in performance mode, and the exact steps I've taken to become the same person on camera, online, and in real life.

If you've ever felt like you're editing yourself just to make other people comfortable, this episode is for you.

💋 Why people judge authenticity
💋 The hidden cost of performing for everyone else
💋 How to stop caring what people think
💋 Why being misunderstood is part of growth
💋 The biggest reason people lose themselves
💋 How to build confidence by telling the truth
💋 The conversations you've been avoiding
💋 Why authenticity often costs friendships
💋 The mindset that helped me find peace
💋 Practical ways to become unapologetically yourself

This is one of my most personal solo episodes because everything I share is something I've had to learn the hard way.

If you've ever felt misunderstood, overwhelmed by other people's expectations, or afraid to fully be yourself, I hope this episode reminds you that the people meant for you will always find the real version of you.

Welcome back, vain ones. 💋

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Everyone talks about being authentic, being yourself, stay in tune with who you are, live your truth, and then nobody really tells you how. And in today's society, I think more people struggle with being authentic, and it can really help you live one of the most peaceful, relaxed, I don't give a fuck lives. So I've had my fair share of experience with this, and I get that compliment all the time that who I am on the internet is who I am in real person. So, how do you actually get there? What does it look like? How do you practice it? And what do you have to do to like unlearn and accept your old habits? Because we all have them. That's what today is. It's not gonna be a long one with the guests. This is the quickie today, but we're just gonna talk about being authentic, how you become authentic, and what I've done and how it's helped me. So, welcome to the Law of Cassidy, where we talk about intimacy, business, power, healing, entrepreneurship, and we have the conversations that most people are way too uncomfortable to have. I'm Cassidy, entrepreneur, wife, mom, and a person who has spent nearly 20 years talking about a taboo subject that people don't discuss. So if somebody sent you this, you are in the right place. Let's get into it, vain ones. So, why this matters. So I'm gonna start with some quotes. I is anyone else like me, are you like a quote saver? I'm either a quote saver or a quote reposter. And I'm like, I probably should share my thoughts on these more often because sometimes I share them. And the funny thing is, is I'm sure there's people in the world that are like, that's about me. Listen, cutie, if the shoe fits, whatever. But it usually is because it just inspired me or I could relate to it like all of us do on social media. So, first quote I'm gonna share is people don't hate you. They hate that you are not afraid to be yourself. And isn't that the freaking truth? So I think living in Utah, I have learned this a lot, is people feel like they can't genuinely be themselves or they don't want to, you know, not be the perfect curated dynamic. And I'm here to tell you when you start living authentic and you have people around you that can't be who they are, you're gonna deal with some hate. So they don't hate you, they just hate that you are not afraid to be yourself. And if you are out there being yourself, go you. Um, being misunderstood is the tax you pay for being authentic. I carry this weight times 12. So I definitely am who I am. I'm authentic and I talk about things that people just don't understand, and they don't understand because there's a lack of education. We're gonna have an episode coming up where I talk about like the top things Googled about sex. You guys are gonna die. Like there's a lack of education. So, like I said, being misunderstood is a tax you pay for being authentic. And the problem is that people are being hated when they are real and loved when they are fake. And this is universal, not just in the state of Utah. I just think the social world we live in now, um people that are real get a lot of like yucky, but there's these people walking around that are just like fake little robots like everyone else, and everyone just praises them and thinks they're amazing. I just we're gonna get into it. I'm just not into that at all. So the last one is like I said, the world we live in and it's backwards. And the only way to change it is for more people to choose real. So hopefully today's episode helps you practice some things on how to become authentic and what you need to do to continue to live that in your life if you've never navigated that. So before you can be authentic, you have to unlearn the performance you've been putting on. I don't know if you guys have noticed this about me. I like to refer to it literally yesterday, like it was hair wash day. Like, I'm the person that can just go out in public as who I am. Like, I literally waltz myself into the buckle with my big old Morgan Wallen t-shirt and wet nappy hair and no makeup. Because if you're gonna see me out in public like that, great. Like, then you'll be okay with it. And I think that's why I've been able to build this awesome community is I think the world is like, oh my gosh, this girl's actually legit. She's not always put together. She shows the messy, she shows the hard, she shares the success and the struggles. And I think the world has it backwards, and they think everything has to be curated perfectly and you have to be put together 24-7. And I am proof that you actually do not. Okay. So stop performing the version that keeps everyone comfortable. That's the first tip I'm gonna give you. Step one per se. So most of us have a version of ourselves that we deploy in public. Can I get an amen? Okay. So a version that edits before speaking, you kind of pause. I've never had that. I don't know what that's like. So please share with me what that's like. It's probably a blessing and a curse. Um, I've never been somebody who has like paused and evaluated what I was saying. So I don't know what that's like, but most people are that way. Okay. Um, you're gonna say what keeps the peace. That shrinks in rooms um where being real feels like dangerous. So you like shrink down to just like be like everyone else because you just don't want to risk, I don't know, being judged. I don't know. I can't wrap my brain around this because I am not like this, okay? That version was built for a reason and it kept you safe, okay? Perfect. It kept you belonging and it kept you protected from something, but it's actually not you. So I don't know how many people know the real you, and I'm not saying that you need to let everyone in because boundaries are important, but what would your life look like if you weren't so curated, if you weren't so structured in the way that you present yourself, not saying that you need to spill your whole life with everyone, because I've learned that lesson too, right? There's a fine little area that you find in a safe space, but um the first part of unlearning how to not be like authentic and be authentic more is your job is not to make everyone comfortable. And the moment that you stop caring, that you may make some people uncomfortable is the moment where you really grow and turn into the person that you're meant to be. I let that go a long time ago. Clearly, I'm in the sex wing on the freaking internet. So um, the moment that you let that go is gonna help you in that unlearning actual process. So um, your job is just to be real and it's gonna take some practice, and those two things are often like you can practice and do them and slowly do it. I think the world is so afraid of being judged or saying the wrong thing or something being perceived. But if you take a step back and realize what is that gonna do, does it matter? And if it's not affecting your family, it's not affecting your livelihood, it's not like just be yourself, stop being something you think everyone else wants you to be. Okay. So step two, letting go of needing to be understood by everyone. So this one took me years. Um, I I I think I'm still working on my some stuff in therapy over this one. So um I used to spend an enormous, like massive amount of energy trying to explain myself. I wanted people to understand no, that's not what I meant, or this is where I'm coming from, or this is who I am. Um, trying to make people like understand why I did something, why I didn't do something, what I was building. And I just kept coming up short and I kept feeling like very like I was like spreading myself thin, trying to explain why I do things. Okay. So here's what I know now. Some people don't understand you, they're they're never going to understand you. Not because you're wrong, because you're ahead of where they are. You're like literally they are just warming up for the race and you have lapped them three times, okay? So, or they're living differently, or refusing to be who they need you to be. Like they literally just can't comprehend, and that's okay, and it's not yours to own. So being misunderstood is the tax, like the quote. Um, you don't get to avoid it, you just get to decide whether you pay it standing up or sitting down. So stop explaining yourself to people who are determined to misunderstand you. Like, say the thing once, live your life and let it speak, let it live. Like, I'm sure I've said some things on here that made people cringe, and it is what it is. I'm not doing it for people to understand me because I know there's people in the world that are benefiting from what I'm sharing. So, step two, you gotta let go of that. Okay. So, step three, realize the map you were handed wasn't yours. So, every one of us was handed a map. You may not realize this. Um, a set of expectations about who we were supposed to be from our family or our religion, our community, our culture, our culture. Sorry, culture, culture. See, I can't even talk. And I'm like doing a podcast, like a crazy person. Anyways, um, be this, do this, want this, achieve this. And most of us spent years following a map that was never designed for our specific terrain. So wondering why we kept getting lost, wondering why it never felt right, wondering what was wrong with us. Can I get an Amen? I'm here to tell you. Nothing is wrong with you. And the map was actually wrong for you. So the unlearning is recognizing which part of you were you gen was genuinely yours and which parts were inherited. Because living in Utah, raised Mormon, you know, I think we all have this expectation, you know, and God bless our families, they just want the best for us, right? But two can be true. You can still be a good person and still show up and have a relationship with whatever your spirituality is and not follow the strict course that others choose to follow. And it's not your place to judge, and it's not their place to judge you, and the world would be a better place if you stopped wearing why Suzy Q isn't wearing her garments on a Thursday. Okay. So figure out your map, but don't think you have to stay on the map that was handed to you. Okay. So four is I need you to say the see say the thing even when your voice shakes. I'm gonna be honest, staring into I got three cameras pointed at me right now. I got a mic. Um most of the time I'm here winging it, right? I have notes and I'm rolling with it. I am no professional at anything. I don't consider myself that. I don't have a PhD in this, but I do have a voice. And I feel like my voice has turned into a community where you all trust my voice in my opinion because I said it when I was scared. Every time these cameras point at me, I'm like, okay, here we go. Hopefully this sits well. And you know, I don't even look at the views on YouTube uh or the views on Apple or Spotify of my podcast because that would just put me in a place to feel as if maybe I shouldn't be sharing my voice. So I'm here to tell you you need to say the things even when you're scared. So, you know the thing I mean the opinion you've been holding back, the boundary you've been afraid to set, the truth you've been softening, any of the things, I need you to say it. You don't have to say it perfectly. I just need you to say it because you'll build up a resentment and an uncomfortableness within yourself, and you'll start losing your voice, and you need to have a voice. So you need to say it. So step five is I need you to post the real version, even when the curated one gets more likes. Okay. I am a hot mess express, and you get to see some of that sometimes. And I think that is a reality and it's relatable, and I think the world needs more of it. And I think we see a lot of perfectly curated everything living in Utah, especially. So, um, anyone that's building anything publicly, if you're like, I want to be a content creator or I want to build a brand or I want to do something, you know, I want to create my own identity and world, the algorithm, of course, is always gonna reward pretty things, beautiful things, right? Like it feels like that's where it leans. But the curated version sometimes builds followers, but the authentic real version actually builds a community. So I truly believe you could have all the followers in the world, but if you don't have a relationship with these people, then what are you freaking building? And I feel like I've done well with that. Like, I was on an airplane, some random flight attendant like tapped me on the shoulder and was like, Oh my gosh, Cassie, it's so wasteful. And I was looking at him like, I think you got the wrong bitch. It ain't me. Like, what? And he was just like, I just we I followed you for years, and I love that's the community I'm building. And if that's something you want, and it's more than just this perfect curated, oh, they liked my photo, then you need to show realness. So one real post that makes someone feel less alone is worth a hundred beautiful ones that make someone feel inadequate. And I truly believe that. So messy bun, no makeup, wet hair, don't care. Okay. Even when it's uncomfortable, even when you're not sure how it's gonna land, that's when you should probably post it. So those of you that are sitting with like 4,000 drafts, I need you to go ahead and just post the shit, okay? I don't ever have drafts. I don't even know what that's like. Okay. So have the conversation you've been avoiding. There is a conversation most of us are not having. Oh, this is number six, step six, okay. Um, maybe it's with your partner, a friend, a family member, or yourself, the one that keeps postponing because we're not ready or the timing doesn't feel right, or we don't want to deal with what might come after. Something I've learned with therapy is you are literally just causing yourself trauma by not having the conversation. Okay. So avoidance is one of the most inauthentic things we can do. So we perform fine while the real thing sits in the back of our chest and it keeps getting heavier and it keeps weighing. And I'm here to tell you, you will eventually like combust and it won't be pretty. And you will hurt the people around you, you will hurt yourself. Just have the conversation. The anxiety we build of what if holds us back from so much more. So just do it. Have the conversation. It doesn't have to be perfect. Just have it. Okay. Seven is you need to build before you feel ready. Just like I said, I don't know what I'm doing. People probably are like, why is this bitch doing a podcast? You know, I don't know. Every week I'm like, here we go. We're we're just doing the things. Um waiting until you're ready, like you're never gonna be ready. And when you think you're ready, because I thought I was ready and I was like, oh, I'm gonna do this thing, right? And then I'm quickly like, the thing is taking longer than I expected. I'm the bitch that thought, oh, I'm gonna watch a brand in six months. That ain't a fucking thing. Okay. We're gonna probably be two years, two, two point five before this thing finally pulls its trigger. But I did it, right? You just gotta, you gotta do it, you gotta take the action. So the performed version of you will always find a reason to delay. You want it to be ready, you want it to be perfect, you want to have all the money in the world so it can run smoothly. That is not reality, and it's stupid. You're delaying so many blessings. So this is funny. In my notes, it says, I launched the podcast on Christmas Eve because I was done waiting for perfect conditions. It's true. I'm pretty sure my video guy was like, Okay, we're doing Christmas Eve, whatever. But it just was like, I'm doing it, it's filmed, it's ready. That's the next Wednesday. So here we are. And I had people be like, You think that's a good idea? I don't care. I watched it on Christmas Eve. Merry freaking Christmas. Okay. So build it before you're ready. So here's also the other part that nobody prepares you for. When you start being real, like really real, like authentically yourself, things will shift. And some of those shifts are very painful. Like I'm gonna cry talking about it. So you have to accept them anyway. It's been probably growth, it's been the biggest blessing in my life, but it's also been the hardest thing I've ever been through because those shifts caused me to lose people that I thought were my people, and it sucks. But like I said in like step number one, like people don't hate you, they just hate that you can genuinely be real because they don't have the courage or the confidence to do that, and they're living this fake facade of a life, and when they're watching you be real, it literally like just uh breaks them instead of them just being real and not looking at someone and feeling inferior because they get to be real. It's wild to me. I don't understand it, but um, except that some people will leave when you stop performing and acting a certain way. So some relationships in your life exist because of who you were performing to be. They weren't real, okay. When you stop, when the real version shows up, some people won't actually recognize her or want to be associated with it, and that's okay. It hurts even when you know it's right, even when you know those relationships were built on a version of you that isn't like sustainable, you should never be checking yourself in an environment. If you are asking yourself, like, oh, am I doing this okay, or is this if you are literally having those thoughts in your head, you are not in the right environment and you are not authentically showing up as yourself. Hate to break it to you. Okay. So the space they leave is where the right ones will find you. And I have slowly started feeling that shift. So it's messy, it's hard, and it's a slap in the freaking face when you think these are my people, and all of a sudden you stop being start really being authentically you and they just fizzle away. But I'm here to tell you less is always more too. So step nine, accept that being misunderstood is part of the process. We kind of talked about that. So you'll be misread, you'll be misquoted, you'll be reduced to the most controversial thing you've ever said by people who've never heard the rest. Like the stories I have heard about me, it's actually comical. Some of them I'm like, I wish that was real because I would be so fucking rich right now if that was real. So literally, you're gonna hear it all. People are gonna talk. It is what it is. I graduated high school 21 years ago for a reason. So if we are in our almost 40s and we're just still like starting false crap about people because we can't be our authentic our authentic selves, it sounds like a them problem, not a you problem. Okay. So accept that the cost is real and it will be worth it. Like I said, I've lost friendships, I've been talked about, I have been judged publicly in ways that were loud and quietly in ways that cut very deep. And I would do it all over again because the alternative performing a smaller version of myself for the rest of my life to keep everyone comfortable is a cost I will never pay again. I will never put myself in rooms like that ever again. I don't care who's in the fucking room. I don't. I'm not, it's not my room. So the cost of authenticity is real and it's you lose the people, like I said, you lose the people that you think you're people when you lose the performance. So when you start showing up authentically, you may feel like your circle is getting smaller and smaller and smaller, but trust me, it is your right people. Okay. So um, I want to go over ways to actually take some action. Okay, so I need you to notice when you're editing yourself and ask why. So every time you catch yourself like softening something, holding back, choosing the safe answer. Maybe you're making content and you're like, oh, I need to do that again. Okay, I need you to pause and ask, why am I editing this? Whose comfort am I protecting? Is it mine or theirs? Okay. Most of the time you'll find that editing is happening for an audience that isn't even watching anymore, and you're still managing the perception of people who left the room years ago. So in those moments where you want to pause and change something, those are probably the moments when you should pause and just share it and be authentic. Okay. Um, choose one small honest thing every day. So you don't have to be overhaul everything at once. Authenticity is built in small choices. So one conversation where you say what you actually mean, um, one post that shows the real version, one moment where you don't perform the answer, you give an honest one. So small daily compounding, it gets easier over time. Okay. So and let your response be real instead of managed. So we manage our responses constantly. We like calibrate our reactions to be appropriate. We don't want to offend somebody. We don't want to make things awkward. Start letting your actual response show up, not unfiltered, thoughtful, be real, not performed. I love when I meet people that have follow me and follow my community. And I literally am talking to them and they're like, oh my gosh, you are literally the same person you are online. And I'm like, isn't that the way it should be? It is. It is the way it should be. Okay. So we're gonna dump into a few DMs and then we're gonna do covet this because, like I said, this is a quickie. So first DM is um, Cassie, I've been performing a perfect curated life online for so long. I genuinely don't know who the real me is anymore. How do you even find when it's been buried for years? You start by asking what you want, not what you're supposed to want. What lights you up when nobody is watching? What do you have opinions about you've never said out loud? Um, what would you do differently if you knew no one would judge you? The real version of you is still in there. She just didn't disappear. She just needs to really process and you need to pause and ask yourself if none of it mattered, how would I present myself? And that's how you need to start living. You need to start living, not worrying about how people are going to take the real you because the real you is the one that matters. Okay. Number two is I know I'm not being authentic and I know I need to change that, but I'm scared of what I'll lose. My community, my family's approval, my reputation. How do you do it when the cost feels too high? So here's the question I'd ask back What is the current cost of staying where you're at? Because inauthenticity has a cost too. It just bills you slowly, and then you are buried in a black hole of hell. Literally. I have watched it in people who literally, oh wait, I can't post that, or wait, I can't say that, or wait, can you can you delete that? Can you this like exhausting? Okay. So it shows up in anxiety, it shows up in disconnection, in the quiet exhaustion of maintaining a version of yourself that doesn't fit who you are. Add up that cost, honestly, then compare it to the cost of being real. And I'm here to tell you fear is way more expensive than just being authentic. It may be scary, you may not know what it's gonna look like, but I promise you it is the right way. Okay, so today's covet this. Um, this is for the woman who is committed to being more real and starting with herself. So the Nikita Bullet Vibrator, because knowing what you want and giving yourself permission to have it without performing for anyone, is one of the most authentic acts there is. So it's got a nitro motor, it's small but mighty. If you just need a good little vibe, um, it's got an XLR8 turbo boost designed for you, not for anyone else's comfort. So, like always, castybibby.com. This bullet definitely packs a punch. And like I end every single episode, this is a quickie. So the law of Cassidy, 13 steps, four parts, one truth underneath it all. You already know who you are. You have always known. The performance like didn't replace the real version of you, it just covered her in a world where everyone's on social media and we think we're supposed to present ourselves in a certain way. So you need to let her speak. The accepting is surviving what happens when you do. And you need to realize that people don't hate you. They hate that you're not afraid to be yourself. So good, let them. That's the law. Like I said, that's your quickie. Follow these steps. Let me know if this was helpful and DM me and tell me which stuff you're starting with. I love it when you guys connect with me. I'm Cassidy. This is the Law of Cassidy, and I'll see you next week.