The Identity Crisis Nobody Talks About

In this episode of The Lipstick Alchemists, we dive into identity shifts, how limiting beliefs show up when you feel called into a new version of yourself, and how parts of you still cling to the old you.

Your identity is shaped by what you value, what you believe to be true, and the stories you tell yourself about who you are. But so often, life is simply happening to us that we never stop to intentionally ask: Who do I want to become next and what is the gap between who I am now and who I want to become?

We explore how identity crises can show up in seasons of transition — becoming an empty nester, losing a parent you cared for, going through divorce, changing careers, or realizing the role you built your worth around no longer defines you. Those moments force us to confront the question: Who am I now?

We unpack the connection between identity, money, self-worth, and self-sabotage. We share the behind-the scenes emotions of saying yes to a massive business opportunity while simultaneously battling fear, imposter syndrome, scarcity, and the urge to play small.

Because often, when you’re standing on the edge of your next level, your old beliefs get louder.

In this episode, we discuss:

• How limiting beliefs quietly shape your identity
• Why money is often the quickest mirror of your self-worth
• The subtle ways self-sabotage shows up during growth
• How fear disguises itself as logic and “being realistic”
• Recognizing habits, friendships, and even clothing that no longer align
• What it means to intentionally step into your next version

Sometimes growth requires releasing the things you’ve been gripping tightly — even when they once felt safe.

© The Lipstick Alchemists. This material may be protected by copyright and is used for reference and attribution purposes only.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Welcome to the Lipstick Alchemist, the podcast for ambitious women ready to stop playing it safe and start living in alignment. We'll explore the mindset shifts, the soul nudges, and awaken the version of you you were always meant to be.

SPEAKER_00 0:14

Alright, we're back. So excited to hang out with you again. And we're starting with just continuing our journey on money, beliefs, and I think all things identity, which are we have some very recent experience, I think, with kind of identity shift that I think will help a lot of people or maybe resonate with a lot of people out there on our recent um, you know, just kind of things that we're trying that are brand new. Speaking of this right here, which is uh been uncomfortable and quite the journey, um, but also leveling up, you know, in other levels of our or other areas of our life.

SPEAKER_01 0:46

Um, before we do that though, I feel like we need to, before we get into our very serious confirmation or confirmation discussion, I feel like we need to to revisit yesterday and why you're you're sewing, you're looking very tan today, I must say.

SPEAKER_00 1:02

So there is a new thing called peptides. If you don't have them, you need them. Go get them immediately. And this one, there's a new one called that gives you a tan. What was it called? Is that the one that's Melatan and something like that? You put it, you just give an injection, and voila, George Hamilton, Baywatch slow motion running on a beach tan. And I'm getting here. So I inject not two, but 20. 20 units units, which is very on brand for me to overdo everything. Flash forward, I am projectile vomiting the entire drive home from the office and crying and not tanned at all today. I actually do think you look a little more tan. Thanks for that. It was really worth it. On the plus side, I'm about six pounds lighter, so I love starting. There we go. So I mean, whatever.

SPEAKER_01 1:53

It's a glass half full situation. Sorry, I digress, but um I well, and then I also, before we forget, I want to make sure we take a minute to give a shout out to our sponsor, um, Varon Brands, who has just been so amazing to work with. And I feel like is one of the reasons we're even here today, helped us come up with our name. Um, I feel like really understood who we were from the get-go. And so for people who are looking for who are a brand and really trying to figure out how to represent themselves best in the world, um, I feel like we would just scream her name, their name, really from the rooftop.

SPEAKER_00 2:31

I agree. And I remember our very first meeting with her where we just had this idea to do a podcast and we had no idea what that even meant. We thought we had some messages to share, and she really made everything so concise and perfect that it made us feel like we had an identity and more of a calling to. I think it's just it's when somebody takes your vision and brings a little bit more life to it. It really, I think, put a lot of wind in our sails to feel like we had a message that we could get out there in a way that was not just funny, but also impactful to our and that everything that we do moving forward really aligns to that, which is what we wanted, but I don't think we would have even realized without her that that was like an important thing. And she films all of our funny, ridiculous clips and she was a soft hype woman.

SPEAKER_01 3:14

Yes, hype woman for sure. So if you are a brand, a purpose-driven brand, especially especially reach out to Lori at Viron Brands.

SPEAKER_00 3:22

Yeah, can't recommend her more.

SPEAKER_01 3:23

So let's get back to what you um so beautifully started talking to us about, which was identity shifting. I think you and I have been very purposeful um and intentional the last couple months of feeling, like knowing that we were wanting to step into bigger versions, better versions of ourself, or really that not even bigger and better, but like that next level. Um, and it just had me, I was kind of pondering a lot on it because when you just think about identity, right? It's your values, it's subconsciously what you believe about yourself, like what you think is important, um, what you hold to be true. Um so we all have one. But I feel like so often we uh we people are just like going about their day, their life, and it life is happening to them and things are changing, and they're not really intentionally focusing on how to become that next version. And then all of a sudden they're faced with like what's called an identity crisis. And so we really, I think, have found that um how much value there is in being a lot more intentional about it. And so I know that's where we want to spend a little bit of time um talking to people today.

SPEAKER_00 4:32

Yeah, I think of I think all of us think of an identity crisis as, you know, I'm a stay-at-home mom and my kids leave home. Now I'm a what? You know, my identity was being a mom, my identity was being um, you know, a caretaker at home, and now that piece is done. It's a crisis of what does that mean about me now that I'm not in this role? So a lot of us think of identity crises as, or I'm a divorced woman. I was always a married woman in a happy home. Now I'm a divorced woman. That's an identity crisis. What does that mean for me?

SPEAKER_01 5:00

And I I remember because that's like what you val, that's like where you held your value. And even I think of women who are maybe caretakers for a parent and they've spent so many years, that's all they've done. And now the parent is gone. It's like you're faced with like, who am I?

SPEAKER_00 5:14

Yes. And I think I I'll tell you even a story about when I was a newer mom. Um, my son was in kindergarten and I so graciously volunteered to be the PTO president because I had no idea what I was doing and wanted to make a contribution as an overly ambitious mom with no talent in that area. And I remember so vividly, it's Halloween. You know, they do the Halloween assignments where you everybody has their snack that they're supposed to bring. I'm, of course, coming in. I have no idea what my snack is. I never would. I end up getting like a bunch of hot high C's from the store, and I am like sweating, hustling in. I'm probably on a phone call. In your probably suit. I mean suit. I handle it. Probably we had to wear nylons then. Oh gosh, 100 years ago. My son has the rolled-up collar and like the wrinkly shirt, and I am trying my best to keep up with these moms. And this fucking mom. I get angry over it to this very moment. She, for her portion of that, keep in mind, I've got maybe I had a hot sandwich. Something was hot. I was coming in with it probably 10 minutes late. One of the moms had taken all of those tiny oranges, and she drew a fucking pumpkin face on every one of those bitches. Every one of them. So I'm coming in, feeling sweaty, already feeling bad about myself. And this mom has taken so much care. And I'm sure there were other ones that had made homemade cake pops and all the things that just good moms do. And I remember good moms, right? And just rip everything off the wall. Instead, I dropped my high C's and was like, Thanks everybody for your contribution. And probably ran back out to the next meeting I was late for. But it was one of those meetings of or one of those moments of want knowing what a good mom does. What is the identity of a good mom? And somebody who loves their kids is somebody who draws those fucking pumpkin faces on. Yeah. And uh a bad moments. Who hosts the most amazing party party to refrigerate the drinks. And I and I think, you know, we spend so much of our life trying to live up to these identities that we have in our mind, not really ever examining who do I want to be in a way that aligns with me. And spoiler alert, I never was the mom that drew the faces. I know it's surprising. You may maybe when you see my face. Neither was I. Oh kind of poem I take care of. Here's my mom I was watching. This is not a mom that's yet another one.

SPEAKER_01 7:29

If you're um hearing this on audio, you should probably come to take a sneak peek on video. Okay, wait.

SPEAKER_00 7:36

It's not a mom that draws faces.

SPEAKER_01 7:37

This is together the best you can. This is true, but this is um from what I this is a plant that you have killed. Destroyed.

SPEAKER_00 7:45

It wasn't mine. In how many weeks? Days? Uh it feels like a long time, but I don't think I had very much time with them at all.

SPEAKER_01 7:52

More of a friend that is.

SPEAKER_00 7:53

Yes, and good friends and good neighbors don't do this to plants. That's another identity shift, another identity meeting that I won't be living up to. So thanks for pointing that out, Stevie. I just wanted but I think, but we, I think, as we are talking about money and belief systems and where we're going and aligning to joy, a big part of that is truly identifying not just what is an identity of a successful business owner or a good wife or a a fit person or somebody who has their shit together. It's more what who do I want to be? Yes. And how do I start becoming that person? And you and I had this moment as partners not that long ago when we were doing some events for our business.

SPEAKER_01 8:32

Yeah. So we um I think again to set the stage, what it what was a benefit to us as we tell this story is that we both have known and talked openly, like, gosh, I feel like I'm stepping into this new version of myself. And so we were able to have like talk about how this feels and the ugliness around it, which we'll get to too. Um, but we fast so to backtrack, we uh had an opportunity to have our business and sponsor something huge at the Super Bowl, which is like a dream come true for us. Yeah. And we found ourselves after uh, well, first questioning everything, like should we do this? You know, and um, there's a whole money mindset that was attached to it, which we'll have be focused on in kind of the next episode. Um, but when we the weeks leading up to it after we had made that decision, I think just the craziest part was um, first of all, we were fighting a lot. And the amount of time that we spent worried about our outfits is next level crazy.

SPEAKER_00 9:35

No, it is, and I think you and I have been friends for 18 to 20, about 20 years. We have never fought as much as when we were, we were starting to step into this new version and we were fighting over everything. Um, and the things that we are focused on were so silly, but I think the version of somebody who has these opportunities is not the version of me with Cheeto dust on my hands, which is the version of me that is usually probably today. I still have some Trader Joe's snacks on my and you're trying to evolve into this person worthy of these opportunities, and you're trying to do it alongside somebody else. And there's a big part of you that is really reluctant to step into the version of yourself that you've asked for. So here you are saying, you know, give me more. I want to impact more people. How can I help more people connect to their money? And you're you're given this opportunity, and then you're like, whoop, not like that.

SPEAKER_01 10:27

Like and I mean, I don't have the money for that, or I can't do that, or who do I think I even am to do this? Yes.

SPEAKER_00 10:34

And when I show up there, everyone's gonna know that I'm a big prodigy and that's not real Versace that you're wearing, and you're you know, and you start to focus on these things that are so inconsequential, and you start to pick away at things that are um, you know, not helping you reach your you're just self-sabotaging, but it's no different than the person whose identity fell away in the in a way that maybe felt ugly, like a divorce. We're bringing on a new identity, but it's still an identity crisis. And your crisis is looking at where you are today and what you've what you're being asked to do and shoring up that difference. And sometimes you don't have the money to shore up that difference. Sometimes you aren't the person yet to step into that identity identity. And that is the hard work of deciding when's when you've asked for something and you're getting ready to do it. What is it in me that is still hanging, you're hanging on so tightly to something that you've you know you want to let go of, but it it doesn't feel good. No, it doesn't matter. It doesn't feel the way you think it's going to. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 11:34

And I think that is the difference of when you're intentional, you can start to actually acknowledge, like you're gonna notice these things. Hopefully you have some awareness of like, oh wait, am I self-sabotaging myself? But that doesn't happen when life is just happening to you and all of a sudden you found yourself in this crisis. That's when you're gonna say no to everything, or you're gonna be like, why no, I just let's quit. Why are we even doing this podcast? Or why you know that you say no? So you brought up something, but now my perimenopause brain made me forget it. But we were talking about something very brilliant that you said about um that made me think of vacationing and the self-sab sabotaging too, where or it was really the money piece of when you're I remember um a few years ago, I had an opportunity, I'd earned an amazing trip. And my husband had gone through a layoff at his former company, got no compensation after that. Um, we were kind of in a rough spot and really hadn't been before, and just found ourselves in this place where amazing things were happening, but also really scary things were happening. And so I earned this great trip. Um, but obviously when you go on a trip, you're still, you know, I'm paying for pina coladas and margaritas and all the wine that I can have and wanting to do really fun things and celebrate it. Um, but then I found myself thinking about um when you're there of being like, well, I can't spend my money on this, or you know, just really having that lack mindset um because I felt like I was stepping into the person. These are the things that I was always wanting. I was really calling in. Yet the version of me before wouldn't have wouldn't have dared do some of those things.

SPEAKER_00 13:08

Yes. Which is unfortunate because I think of what's happening there is you've earned this trip. So this is something that you get through excellence in business, and then you get there and you're like, $14 for a pina colada, which really, I mean, $14 is a lot for a pina colada. And we both know we we were not having one.

SPEAKER_01 13:24

That's not part of the problem.

SPEAKER_00 13:26

We're talking about a five-figure bill here on alcohol alone. So it is that moment of saying, okay, the the version of me that earned this trip is probably not the same version that is stealing everybody's joy and getting the bill at the end and feeling like crap for what I've spent on it. And I think money, it always all comes back to the same with our opportunity for business. It's that opportunity that you have that c that costs. You know, you have to lay out some, there's some always some outlay. It's time away from things that you used to do, time away from your family, maybe that carries guilt, money to spend on clothing or flights or um, you know, setup of an event. Those things, that is your opportunity to say, you know, I'm at the edge of this cliff. I might not have $900 to spend on Pino Coladas. Am I the kind of person that's gonna not take the trip or not evolve into that? Because it's like a test.

SPEAKER_01 14:18

It is I feel like it's a test of the universe to say, okay, I'm giving you these things. Are you really serious about wanting to take that next step?

SPEAKER_00 14:26

And how full of joy are you when you, you know, are you lamenting or ruminating on the cost of ceviche? Or are you joyfully swiping your card knowing that the more you enjoy that and the more that you bring joy to your family through that, the more success that you'll have? And those are two different mindsets, same situation, but I've been on I don't know how many um vacations or even dinners out with people who you have an amazing time with. And at the end, you know, they're they're sitting at the fancy restaurant, but the bill is still a point of complaint at the end content. Really, that's that's the identity shift of saying, I'm somebody who wants to eat at this restaurant, but I'm the same person who is outraged by the price, and you can't be both. Um, you that's you have to kind of step in or or step out. And the reason we always go back to money on it is because that's the fat the fastest way. It's not, it might be the clothes you wear or other things, but more often than not, money is the fastest way that your identity misalignment shows up. So it's not that we harp on that piece, it's just the quickest recipe, the quickest mirror back to your beliefs about yourself and your position in the world.

SPEAKER_01 15:35

Well, and I think there's also there are so many things that start to fall away that I think um would be good for us to share on things that we saw and noticed so that as people are maybe paying attention to what's happening as they're shifting, like what should they start to notice? So, what are some things for you that happened, the gross things?

SPEAKER_00 15:54

I think for me, uh it was this idea that in order to take this next step, I needed to honestly embody completely different traits than what, because I think when I was a little girl, you know, I'm in a small-ish town. My mom was uh became a very successful professional, and I had a female role model, but she was very tough, like very um, you know, hardline, a brilliant, amazing mom. And but I mean, we're talking like 80s shoulder pads, like you know ballbuster. Yes, ballbuster, like we'll make you, she could make me sweat today. And so I'm I'm trying to sort of shore up what do I need, what do people that have these opportunities look like? They don't look like me. They're not eating a slice of cold pizza on their way to the office with a you know diet Dr. Pepper on their lap. They don't have a you know chicken wing stain on their shirt. They are polished and they're fit and they're they never say anything off color and they're perfectly manicured and their nails are so I'm frantically trying to, and for me, it's a lot of physical traits. I don't I don't know why that is, but a lot of of how worthy I am um comes to how I I show up physically. So that's the thing that I usually start doing that's wrong. I'll start, you know, buying things that are completely not necessary, but that helps me feel like I'm getting closer to that. Make a lot of money on clothes. Clothes, um I do benefit from. So can you maybe not stop buying it? You give me a talking to every once in a while, and we have to have a but that is my quickest, quickest mirror back to say, okay, I have, you know, if I go back and look at my bills for the month, but um, you know, there were a lot of unnecessary purchases that were obviously me sort of medicating or trying to evolve into this version of myself that I'm already was. Um, but but those are things that I needed to address is to say, okay, stop, stop. Your clothes that you're I have an entire wardrobe full of clothes that don't make me any smarter or closer to my goal. Um, but those habits, you think that you've outgrown those, especially when you are in the money business, you know, the money, the world of money. Um, but they're habits that creep up every time I'm evolving. And I don't know if you have any like that, but for me, it's just my spending always gets out of control when I'm shifting identities or.

SPEAKER_01 18:10

Um I before I add on to that, you made me think of the clothes though. I will say I noticed a shift in what like I open my closet now and I really truly feel like most of what I have in there does not align to me. Um, I mean, I have stuff that still fits me from my, you know, being in the corporate career even seven years ago. And I just find I look at everything and I'm like, ugh. And so I do think there is something to you when you're stepping into that next person that you may um you may wonder, like, oh, some things just start to not feel right because it's an old identity that you're carrying. And so I do think there is something to that, but maybe just not spending putting it all in the credit card.

SPEAKER_00 18:54

I think yours are maybe old corporate outfits. Mine are booty shorts. We call them coochie cutters that I like to wear out. I've cut them myself. Have a min theme about this much. I probably won't be letting those go. But we're gonna get into this a little bit more in our next episode, too, because I think we have more to share about how we can. It is, and I think this is such a multifaceted piece of just how do you connect back to when you're having this sort of identity crisis? What can anchor you and get you kind of back on the straight and narrow to overcome those tough times and get through? Yes, let's do it. Let's do it.

SPEAKER_01 19:27

All right, thanks everybody. We'll see you next time.

unknown 19:30

Bye.