Why Your Money Keeps Running Away From You

Ever get a bonus, a raise, a tax refund—or even an unexpected windfall—and somehow the money is just…gone?
We love to judge the lottery winner who loses millions or the pro athlete who blows through a massive contract.
But what if it’s not because they’re stupid or irresponsible?
What if their bank account changed faster than their identity did?
In this episode of The Lipstick Alchemists, we’re talking about why money can feel like a hot potato when it doesn’t match who you believe yourself to be—and why the same pattern can happen whether the number is $10,000 or $10 million.
We get into inheritance and the complicated emotions money can carry, lifestyle creep, external validation, childhood money beliefs, and why sometimes we subconsciously try to return to the financial level that feels familiar.
Because money doesn’t just change what you can buy.
It can change how you see yourself—and how other people see you.
And if your money keeps “running away,” maybe the answer isn’t another budget.
Maybe it’s time to look at your relationship with it.
Listen to the latest episode of The Lipstick Alchemists.

© The Lipstick Alchemists. This material may be protected by copyright and is used for reference and attribution purposes only.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Welcome to the Lipstick Alchemist, the podcast for ambitious women ready to stop playing it safe and start living in alignment. We'll explore the mindset shifts, the soul nudges, and awaken the version of you you were always meant to be.

SPEAKER_00 0:13

You get how do you get your money to stick to you?

SPEAKER_01 0:15

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 0:16

And really, you know, why do why do people's money run away?

SPEAKER_01 0:20

Run away. We see that happen a lot.

SPEAKER_00 0:22

It is, and it's, you know, we have teachers that have millions of dollars and um people in pro sports, since we're using that example, that have that end up with little. So it's it really, to some extent, of course, it it depends on what you make. But this that you know, we have you see lottery winners in the news going bankrupt and people who've made hundreds of millions that can't seem to hang on to that wealth. And I think there's always a lot of judgment around, you know, my goodness, how do you spend $56 million in a in such a short time? How um irresponsible and how, you know, you know, stupid of the person. And I thought, you know, we thought today would be a great day to just talk through how does money sort of leave you, regardless of amount. Because I think it applies to everybody, regardless of where you're sitting socioeconomically.

SPEAKER_01 1:11

Totally. I think we've uh probably many of us could relate to maybe you got an unexpected bonus or you get a pay raise and that bonus disappeared so fast, or you got your income taxes back. And three months later, you're back to square one. And so I think, like you said, it doesn't matter uh the level, it can happen. And I think last episode we revisited on the topic of knowing how important it is to know what your money, what you want your money to do for you. Um, but this one is all about it's not just knowing what your money is gonna do for you, but who are you becoming when you get that money and what are the emotions that it bring up, brings up to you? And I think that is has a lot to do with with this topic and why sometimes money can run away from people.

SPEAKER_00 1:55

I I think that's the biggest, I would say, top thing that we see a lot of times, especially when there's a large inheritance, when a business sells, when there's a divorce, when there's a death in an inheritance, the ways that you have sort of windfall money, um, some of them can be really exciting and thrilling, and some of them are attached to some bad emotions sometimes. And I think the the real discrepancy, whether you've inherited, you know, a million dollars or a hundred is and maybe a hundred's not a great example, um, but is is the the imposter syndrome and the discrepancy between who you were, who you are as a person and who you've always been, and what this money makes you. And I think um I'll you I do have an example of this from my own. As everybody knows, I uh my sister and I, Irish twin, inherited funds from our parents that died at 66. So, and nobody wants to inherit their parents' life savings. It doesn't feel good. Um, and you and all of that money came into my, you know, banking and brokerage accounts, and it really just sat there forever um doing nothing. It just looked at me. Every time I saw it, I felt guilty, angry. Um, and that inheriting that money was an identity shift for me. I went from being, you know, a somebody who could call their mom and dad to an orphan that had money in the bank and it just didn't feel good in my hand. And it didn't feel like somebody I wanted to be. Um, same with divorce settlements, you know, you that money that is supposed to provide security is sometimes attached to something that doesn't feel very good. And really uh, you know, re-establishing an identity and something for that money, a job to do, like we said last time, is really the key from it running away. And I never felt such an urge to get rid of money, and that's my parents' life savings, how irresponsible as I did looking at it. I just couldn't get it out of my hands fast enough. It didn't feel good having it sit there. And it was only when I realized that I can only honor them by changing my mindset and giving that money a purpose that I was able to make it work in the way that it should have. But that was all emotional. None of it was about financial acumen or being irresponsible.

SPEAKER_01 4:13

Yeah, well, and you at least let it just sit there. I mean, uh, I've seen situations um in my family in the very exact exact same thing where it was quick to just how do I go spend, spend, spend, spend and on frivolous things. Again, like we talked about, no putting shame around spending if it's on things that are important to you and bringing you joy. Um, but if suddenly you look back after two weeks and it's gone and then you feel guilt, like you've probably didn't hit the pause button long enough to assess maybe what you should do. And I think that also can happen because your nerve, our nervous system is like that automatic response to stress to situations. And I would guess in your situation, that brought on a lot of stress, bringing on in all that money. And so your body's natural reaction is to push it away. And often that means spending it on things that you maybe shouldn't.

SPEAKER_00 5:10

I I agree. And so much of those behaviors are subconscious. Because you and and we'll use NFL as an example. But if you when you get that big contract and you know, you're from your neighborhood, your family supported you, let's use that as an example. And now you've you're in an ultra, ultra wit rich windfall. Even you're in your mind, you're still that little boy that was practicing at the park and going back and forth with your parents and friends. And but that money changed your identity in the eyes of a lot of people that you know and care about, and a lot of times in a way that doesn't feel good, where you you you've made it and you think that you're gonna feel all of this joy and you really should, but it creates it it shifts the dynamic that you've always known, where you're expected to pay for things. People are asking for money and it it throws you into a life that doesn't feel like the one that you knew. And I think that's how resentment grows. And it feels it really feels, I think, a lot of times like a hot potato. Like they're love it and they're grateful for it and they know that they have it, but the dynamics and how they shifted um can make their life really uncomfortable. And I think that's where the spending and the um need to get rid of it, it's not that these anyone, lottery winner, et cetera, are so irresponsible. These are smart people who love their communities, want to give back, have plans for that money. But the being able to control the feelings that come with being now the sole provider of perhaps several generations, being um having friends or family get angry with you because you're not lending money right away or take it it creates sometimes a lot more tension than good. And I think it is, and it just feels like something that doesn't belong to them. And they're not out knowingly spending fit, you know, you don't spend $50 million on Louis Vuitton and and Lamborghinis. It's hard to do that. You can afford all of those things well within that budget. So this is not spending because they like nice things, it's spending because their identity, they don't like what the money did to their identity and their their mind and and purpose hasn't yet caught up to their bank account.

SPEAKER_01 7:23

Yeah, well, and I think of it even like your body, like our body temperature kind of regulates itself, like a thermostat. And the same same goes with money. Like if your nervous system is used to a certain level of comfort, and then there's this added pressure and stress that comes from, again, even if it's a bonus or an and you just like don't know what to do, it's the natural thing to do for your body to say, I just go and figure out how to get rid of it as fast as I possibly can.

SPEAKER_00 7:50

I that I that is true a million percent. And I think also you almost sometimes attract things when you have that discomfort that are like how many times have you gotten a big bonus and you immediately need four new tires? Oh my gosh, you've gotten a big bonus and your air conditioner goes out and you have this plan for it, or you are saying, I'm gonna pay my credit card with it, um, and it's already spent while you as a giant tree is being removed in my front yard right now that was is an unexpected bill. And those, I think that is also you attracting um a, you know, sometimes an unexpected expense that aligns with a large payment is a lot of times a signal to say, okay, did you have plans for this money that were truly aligned to something that brought you joy? And it those are things that we have to maintain, of course, but you'll notice very often, and I hear clients say this a lot, and I can't tell you how many times I have. Of course, as soon as I get my a little my head above water, my pool pump goes out. And if that's happening over and over, it's a lot of times because your your money um needs a better job to do. And those are expenses that um are are expected. But if it happens often when you see a little bit of money in, something's off.

SPEAKER_01 9:08

Something's off, yeah. Behaviors, identity, nervous system, I agree. Well, and I also think there is an element of like trauma, even if it's not huge traumas, but like your past experiences, if there are some trauma around financial experiences that you have that have not been resolved, that leads us, it follows us. So I think we've talked about before how we develop our beliefs around money as early as under seven years old. And so if you're um, if your parents hoarded, if you're hoarding money and it's because your parents didn't have any, you know, you see these things, these experiences from when you were little, if those are still carrying out when you're 30, 40, 50 years old, um, it's time that you look and realize like money running away from you is probably because of something that happened where you're when you were younger and you just haven't taken the time to figure it out.

SPEAKER_00 10:02

I that is, I think, at the root of everything. And we've done, I know, a few posts on just really journaling and figuring out what did I learn about money. And I think too, um, when you, you know, have whatever a windfall is to you, um, a lot of times it's it's ego and external validation that which is not satisfying. And I'll I'll use an example of someone I know well where you let's just say you're you want to get a fancy watch and it's you're Googling it and you're looking at it all the time. It's on your home screen, you're talking to all your friends about it, you're so excited, you know you have this bonus to get it, and it comes, you get the watch, you put it on, and it's immediately a huge letdown. Yes. And then you're on chasing the very next thing to get that high of saving something. Those are times, and again, I I know this firsthand through my own experience, when things are a big letdown, it's oftentimes because the thrill is in that chase and and the wanting, not that the thing you're buying is, you know, exactly suited. And when we buy things um solely for external validation, and uh, how many of us, I think we all do that. We all want to look successful, we want to look the part of somebody who is um, you know, a good parent, someone who's healthy, someone who's um successful. I think we all seek that, both for ourselves and for others. But when you don't have that internal joy and you're not in connect connection with what makes you truly happy, you end up seeking constant external validation. And that leads to, you know, spending that's really irresponsible. But those are not um choices that are are fulfilling ultimately. So you end up just everything is the next. You move into the big house, you immediately start zillowing the next biggest house. You get your new car, it's great for a week, and then you need those are are symbols of just what is it that you're really chasing when you have, you know, more than you ever could dream of. And I so I think when people's money runs away, it's really two reasons. It's um seeking external validation because you don't know anymore what makes you happy. You probably have forgotten a little bit of yourself and haven't done that work, or you just um really aren't aligned to what your bank account says. In your mind, you're still somebody who has this much money, you have this much money, and you can't figure out how to bridge that gap in a way that feels good and doesn't ruin relationships or make you feel like you've gone from someone who was part of a team or a family or a community to somebody who's expected to fund the bill for everything. That no one would like to feel that way, that they're they went from being a loved person to a paycheck. It's it's you know, always gonna set you on a path of wanting to rid yourself of that wealth that's made you now uncomfortable. All those comforts have now made you very uncomfortable.

SPEAKER_01 13:01

When you I think said uh something that was so important, which was um coming back to how it really makes you feel. And so if that purchase makes you feel great, you're likely not seeking the validation. Or maybe there is like, oh, I also get like people see me with this. But ultimately, the feeling of that joy is going to last longer. And I think that is such a good test to know. And we all have to learn. So you're gonna come across situations where you think it is the thing that you always wanted. And then, like that example you gave where he's like womp womp womp. Well, then next time you're gonna go, okay, maybe did I actually do I actually really want this? Or is it the status symbol that I want everybody to see?

SPEAKER_00 13:45

Notice.

SPEAKER_01 13:45

And so, and because I think there is an element even of buying things that to look a certain part for me, it is um like I I do want to look successful, but it's because when I feel like I look like it, then I'm carrying myself in a different way. I'm presenting myself into the world a way that I want to that makes me feel really good. But again, it comes back to the feeling and some of that internal. And again, I think if they're don't put the shame on, like we talked about the last episode, don't put the shame on that external the validation, but like use it as awareness and realize this is something I'm doing all the time, then maybe evaluate that.

SPEAKER_00 14:24

Yes, because I think we every there's not a person out there that doesn't crave um, you know, to be liked, to be admired, uh, or or not maybe not crave, but there's I think a scale at which you or are, you know, you everybody wants to look and feel on the inside um and be, I think have look that way on the outside also to others. So I think to say that we're never gonna care, it's all gonna be internal would be an ideal world. So it's also like you said, giving the forgiveness to yourself to be like, this is something that you know isn't isn't at like um measuring up to the idea I had. What is the work that I need to be doing? Because, and I think also going back to um, you know, when people ask you for money, when you're picking up the bill, you know, the dinner for the fourth or fifth time, is that giving you joy? And I've I've had both situations too where I swipe my card and I'm like, I'm so glad that I can do this. What an amazing dinner. We talk about it after. Maybe it was more or less than what I always than what I wanted to spend. But I know what it feels like to swipe my card at that dinner and feel like this was uh, you know, great money spent. And I also know what it's like to swipe my card and feel like, wow, I guess everybody just depends, you know, expects that I'm gonna pick up the tab. And they're two very different feelings, and one keeps your money aligned to your joy and the other doesn't. So I think when you a good trigger is to, you know, if you feel resentment of any kind when you're buying something for someone you love, when you're spending money on something your husband wants, if you're um picking up a tab that, you know, if there's a resentment feeling, those are times to evaluate and say, what is it in me that am I feeling taken advantage of? Why isn't this bringing me joy? Because it's not even the absence of joy sometimes, it's the the buildup of aggravation and feelings of resentment. Yeah. And that's a big trigger. Stink stinks.

SPEAKER_01 16:30

It's our matching skirt. It is one and two.

SPEAKER_00 16:32

One and two. And I think that that's a big one for me. If I feel aggravated when I'm sending, even to, you know, someone who's done a job and it costs more than what I expected. You know, am I able to get to a place of gratitude for knowing that it's gonna make my life better, or am I nickel and dime and complaining about um you know, the money spent? Those are those are big indicators that you're not aligned to your joy, not that the people in your life are always taking advantage.

SPEAKER_01 17:02

Yeah. Well, and I think it just comes down to we all have we all have a relationship with money. And we've gotta, I don't think it's talked about openly enough. Um I think we try and play a certain part, but all of us have things that we learned, beliefs that we developed, behaviors that we're, you know, we're doing today um that may not be aligned with who we, who we want to be. And so I do, I think whether it's running away from you, you're not spending enough, you haven't figured out, um, you're not saving enough, like it all comes back to what is your relationship with money. And money really is an amplifier of like all of the other things. So you, as you you said before, I love it. You like put the hand in front of your face. Money is a mirror of a lot of other things in life. So if it is running away, um, time to take a look and figure out what is your relationship. And um, if you're not liking that relationship, just like you would have merit something else, um, figure out what you can do about it, how you can fix it.

SPEAKER_00 18:04

Yes, and I I heard a saying that was similar to that, and it stuck with me that says, Money makes you more of what you are. So if you are haven't done the healing, if you're not, haven't, you know, looked at where what the goals you have for your life, money just gives you more resources to go in a direction more forcefully in the wrong way. It really does amplify. And I see this over and over again. And I think also in relationships, when you have a dynamic where not only are you managing your own belief system around money, um, but going back, you know, lottery winners, people who inherit, there's also a big dynamic in marriages and in relationships to say, now I make the money. This, you know, it changes the balance of power, not just in your friend groups, in your team, with your family. It changes it in your home. And I think a lot, the key, as we've said a million times, is really taking five steps back from that and coming together and really saying, whether I think you're a spendthrift or a Scrooge McDuck and whatever behavior I've assigned to my husband or wife as they're spending, um, let's step back from those identities that one of us is a spender, one's a saver. Those are not helpful. What's helpful is to say, as a family, what do we spend, you know, what kind of legacy do we want to leave for our kids? What kind of home do we want to live in? And just take a few steps back and really build out those things that you're aligned to. Each person can spend their own spending money how they like, but really aligning, I think, not just in your own um joy, but as a family is a big thing that keeps these families, you know, that have windfalls on track. Yeah. And I think the the other thing and is really doing the identity work of, you know, and I'll use a divorce example because I think it's a powerful one. Regardless of your divorce was amicable, contentious, when you receive a divorce settlement, let's say, and you're you're, you know, there's a mourning of some of who you were and an identity shift. So this money might mean freedom to you and might be, you know, your your get out of jail free card, or it might be an albatross around your neck that reminds you of something that didn't work out the way it was. How important is it, regardless of that, to heal those beliefs and give that money a new identity? We have to change its name, send it to a new city, put a mustache on it, give it a sombrero. We need to change the identity. And I think, you know, even parents' inheritance money, instead of saying, you know, this is the money I inherited because my parents passed, it's this is the money that I'm using to buy beach house for my kids that I'll use to fund their college, that I'll build, you know, our dreams with, that feels a lot better. And that makes the money stick. The money doesn't want you to flip it off and give you an FU when it comes. And I think sometimes, even if you're you come into money under a terrible circumstance, giving it a new name and a new job to do is so important. Otherwise, it's always attached to something ugly. And even selling a business that you're so proud of what you sold, it represents your legacy. And now you're on in gray sweatpants with nacho cheese on your shirt, watching TV all day. So you're CEO one day, you have this big windfall, and now um you have this great accomplishment that feels like your identity has changed and you don't know who you are. That can bring up some very ugly emotions, despite all of the reasons you should be proud of something like that. And we see it over and over and over again. And it results in overspending and people having not only not knowing who they are identity-wise, but also not having the funds left over to build their next dream because they're not comfortable enough. And it it just sometimes they can't even answer where the money's gone. And, you know, I sometimes will do my taxes at the end of the year and be like, hmm, did I really balance there seems to be a discrepancy in my in my account. And those, you know, those we laugh about it, but I think um those can happen to every single person. And normalizing these behaviors um and not judging anyone for them. You know, if if well-educated people have them, then it's really not about knowing what to do with your money or um, you know, it's truly about your identity and your relationship with it.

SPEAKER_01 22:31

Yeah, I was gonna say something similar. It is it's knowing what to do, but like I started off saying in the beginning of the episode, it's who who does it make you become and how does it make you what are the emotions that it brings up? And if those aren't good ones, that it's time to evaluate it. If you're feeling good, then you're probably on track and we could learn some lessons. I know.

SPEAKER_00 22:53

Please give us some tips, yes. I think that's the most important work that we're doing and really trying to still do is help really remove shame from whatever your financial situation has been, because I think that makes it hard to share. A lot of times, if you feel embarrassed yourself of where you've spent or what you've earned and what's left over, that prevents a lot of people, just the shame that they carry themselves, from even seeking, you know, advice on fixing the problem before it's too late because you feel embarrassed sometimes. Um, and the embarrassment comes from have doing spending on things that you really aren't proud that you did. And I think that's another big trigger. If you have way less money than you you should, but you are proud of every single dollar or most of them, and you feel like you, you know, took amazing vacations and made memories, and you feel proud to tell someone how that went, that's amazing.

SPEAKER_01 23:52

That's the life we that's that's the life of your dream.

SPEAKER_00 23:55

Yeah, it does is never about the account balance, it's really about the purpose for the money and what it what it does for you. And we just our our job is just to listen and make the money do that. It's really up to um, you know, the people we work with to decide who they want to be and identify those inauthentic times.

SPEAKER_01 24:14

Well, thank you. This is, I think, a good couple of episodes that we've had really exploring um what's the life that people want and what can happen if you don't figure that out. So um it's been fun chatting with you. And thank you all for joining us. And we'll see you next time.