Ep 12 Pigeon Holed Podcast - Kids

In this ep, Tait tells one of the all time weirdest stories that has David in disbelief, the lads also chat jobs, jerking off Horses, Tait's good deed leads to him getting soaked and much more.

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Dave and Tait

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Pitching podcast. I am one of the hosts, Tate Middleton. I'm the other one. David Hughes. Oh, thanks. Um, what have you been up to?

SPEAKER_00 0:13

Uh today, fucking nothing. It's been amazing. It's been a horrible day, obviously, with the weather. Just fucking raining relentlessly. You said you got caught in it. Am I gonna get I had a feeling there was some like real anger in this because you went, maybe I'll save this story for later. I was like, oh, this might be a good one. So, for context, I had a gig earlier, like about half an hour ago.

SPEAKER_03 0:38

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 0:38

And you met me at the gig, and then after the gig, we were gonna come here, record the podcast because it's not far away from where the show is. And you, between leaving here and getting there, tell me what happened.

SPEAKER_02 0:52

So I walk out of the apartment, go to the gates where we're always trying to get the buzzer to get into this whorehouse. I see a massive Winnebago caravan thing set up there, mobile home, whatever you want to call it. RV, I don't know what they're guessing that's the American term. I think so, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:09

No, I think Winnebago is, isn't it? Or is Winna is Winnebago like a brand? Is that the clinical of brands? I think a big fucking camper van. Because they're not a mobile home. But they're not like it's big, right? They're the ones that have got yeah, okay, got it.

SPEAKER_02 1:21

It would take up if you parked like diagonally, or no, diagonally, horizontally, vertically, I don't know. In car parks, it would take up like four.

SPEAKER_00 1:31

Oh, okay. So it'd take up four bays.

SPEAKER_02 1:33

Yeah, yeah, it's huge. Four or five.

SPEAKER_00 1:34

How how big in like in dolphin nose lengths?

SPEAKER_02 1:37

At least seventy-eight.

SPEAKER_00 1:38

Fucking up, that's depending on the length of the dolphin nose.

SPEAKER_02 1:41

Yeah, if it's Amazon pink, or if it's freshwater, yeah, grey, yeah, white, grey, grey, grey, yeah. Or those black ones. Have you ever seen those weird black ones?

SPEAKER_00 1:50

Aren't they just like fucking killer whales or whatever?

SPEAKER_02 1:53

No, there's like a weird one with a black dolphin. Oh, I might be making this.

SPEAKER_00 1:57

You've been racist.

SPEAKER_02 1:58

Oh, so oh, we're still in the dolphin thing, aren't we? No, no. Um black dolphins hanging out in the car park trying to break into the Winnebagos. And I uh I walk out, I see this massive Winnebago parked at the fucking gate, and I was like, oh, that's weird. There's Airbnbs in this complex. So I I clicked the buzzer, I opened it. Yeah, and then a lady gets out, a small Asian lady.

SPEAKER_00 2:23

Um did she say anything? She bowed and then didn't do an accent if she did, please.

SPEAKER_02 2:28

Uh she she had out a bit of a weird accent, but it wasn't actually.

SPEAKER_00 2:32

How did it sound?

SPEAKER_02 2:33

Very strong boy. No. Um, but then she she gets out, it's fucking raining then. And I go, like, I'm just gonna walk past her. And she goes, excuse me.

SPEAKER_00 2:43

She didn't say it like that though. Say it how she said it. That's cool as me.

SPEAKER_02 2:47

Uh sorry, it's hard not to do the eyes. Um, and then she she was like, Excuse me, how do I get in here? And I'm like, You need a buzzer. And I pulled out my buzzer, yeah. And she was like, Where do I get it from? And I'm like, Who are you? I don't know. From the guy that I live with that I'm staying at his house.

SPEAKER_00 3:06

Like, why didn't you need to come in here?

SPEAKER_02 3:07

That's the question. And I'm looking at this Winnebago, we just walked through the car park. Yeah, there's no Winnebago parking in there.

SPEAKER_00 3:13

Well, there's not really any parking full stop in there now because it's the evening.

SPEAKER_02 3:16

So she was like, I need to get in here. And I was like, Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_00 3:20

I'm like, sorry, was it also really like tall too? Because it couldn't fit under that covered area, no?

SPEAKER_02 3:25

Huge, huge, but like tall though, why genuinely like fucking the size of a bus.

SPEAKER_00 3:29

Yeah, fuck.

SPEAKER_02 3:30

So I was like, Oh, around the other side, which is the actual address. I'm like, this is Suffolk Street. You want to go to the other one around the front? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So go around there, and she was like, Where's around there? And I'm like, You can walk straight through here to the street that you're trying to go to, and she was like, just staring at me. And I was like, straight down there. There's a gate, you open that, and then we're too nice. And there's lockboxes, aren't they?

SPEAKER_00 3:56

They're too nice. I think I would have just been like, I actually don't care what happens to you.

SPEAKER_02 3:59

She never would have found out where she's gonna be.

SPEAKER_00 4:00

You have a fucking Winnebago and you want to get into an apartment complex, sleep in that fucking thing and let me go about my day.

SPEAKER_02 4:06

So I walk her to the letterboxes, we try and find the fucking um lockbox that's hers. I'm like, what's it called? I was like, where are you staying? She's like, number 32. And I'm like, okay, so we look for 32, couldn't see any markings. There's like 25 of them out there. There must be 25 Airbnbs in this like 60 apartment type thing. I'm like, it's not here. It's pissing down rain. I'm like, I'm going back undercover. She comes, she's like, Can you help me? And she shows me the Airbnb ride receipt or whatever. Well, the Airbnb like message from the the host. Right. And I'm like, okay, number 32, uh number two. And I'm like, I'm like, this is 34.

SPEAKER_00 4:50

As in this complex, this complex is 34. So she's in the wrong fucking.

SPEAKER_02 4:55

Yeah, I'm like, you're after 32, that's next door. And she just stares at me again. I'm like, she her English is It is your fault though, to me. English was good.

SPEAKER_00 5:02

No, but it is your fault. I don't blame her. I would be the same. I'd be like, why the fuck?

SPEAKER_02 5:06

I should have showed her my feet and she would have run away. Um, and then I walked her to 32 in the rain. Oh man, and I was like, it's here. And she walks up to the the the the gate and just goes, opens it and she goes, mmm. And I'm like, mmm, indeed. Yeah. Um, and I'm like, is this where we fucking bow and walk off? Like I'm going to the geeks. And she was like, How do I get here? And I was like, What? She was like, How do I get the RV here? And I was like, You probably get in it and drive it. Yeah. And she was like, Was she hot?

SPEAKER_00 5:40

Why were you putting up with this?

SPEAKER_02 5:41

Yeah, she's cute.

SPEAKER_00 5:41

Yeah, there you go. I knew that had to be a fucking reason why you didn't just run off immediately. You go, I'm late. Fuck you.

SPEAKER_02 5:48

Um, and then she was like, But Google Maps tells me it's over there. And I'm like, You just open that gate. You know that this is where you need to go in. And then I said, also, too, see how low that gate is up there?

SPEAKER_00 6:04

You're not getting it.

SPEAKER_02 6:04

You're not getting that giant RB in here. And she goes, Oh, where do I park? And I'm like, Lady, I'll murder you. Like, fuck off. She was so tiny, I could have chucked her in a drain. Like, it was beyond a joke. And I'm like, like, pull out Google Maps and I went, see where you are, see where we are. All you need to go is on the road, turn right, turn right again, and we're right here. And she goes, huh.

SPEAKER_00 6:27

This is a this is a problem. I know I've joked about it on stage about how my sense of direction is fucked, and it's kind of because we rely on maps so much. But genuinely, a lot of people now are screwed if they can't follow the the maps like completely. Pay no attention to just common sense, like knowing that, like, oh yeah, of course, if I just go around this street in the because it's a fucking block. It's a yeah, it's literally you're not gonna get lost. You just take the you go out there and take the next left, and you will be on the other side of this building. Yeah, but people have stopped thinking like that. And again, I've kind of stopped thinking like that too because you you almost don't have to.

SPEAKER_02 7:03

But you would go, I will put the address in and I'll drug.

SPEAKER_00 7:06

I wouldn't bother a fucking stranger with this shit, I would work it out myself. But yeah, I I do sympathize a little bit.

SPEAKER_02 7:12

Pretty early on. I said to her, I'm like, Oh, you're just gonna have to call the lady, like call the the the person. She goes, and I'm like, alright, she's having a stroke, I guess. I'll help her. Um, but yeah, I'm I am too nice. Yeah, why should have gone, I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 7:30

Well, you're not, you're not it. Uh I thought you were being too nice, and then you said that she was hot, so I I know why you were being patient. If she was ugly, you were not being patient. That was an old Chinese man or something. You're like, dude, fuck you. But it's you on holiday? Because you were gonna have a terrible holiday.

SPEAKER_02 7:45

If he was an old Chinese man, he might have been super rich and been like, here you go, poor person. And I would have thank you.$8,000 for helping me. I yeah, maybe. I um I once sold um fruit at a petrol station. That was one of my many jobs. Food, fruit, uh, in literally car parks at a petrol station.

SPEAKER_00 8:02

You set up independently of the petrol station. Okay, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 8:05

So the dude who owned it, yeah, would he would hire four car spaces a day. Yeah, I know, yeah, yeah, I've seen them. And then there were two BP petrol stations opposite the road. So we had Melbourne bound and Geelong bound. Yeah, and we would set up there, rock up with a Ute, literally get like a bifold table out, put it out, set your shit up, put some signs out, bingo bango. You'd make absurds amount of money. It was crazy. Really? Average$2,000 a day cash. What the fuck? Selling fruit? Yeah, but crazy, crazy, crazy. And um what kind of fruit? Anything mangoes, three pants of strawberries for ten bucks. Um, it was the whatever season it was, summer, rock fruit, you know, or because sometimes we go to the farms, you know, like the hobby farms or whatever to do. They're a fucking that's a robot.

SPEAKER_00 8:50

They're a raw, yeah. But we you know this too, and this is the thing. Like Kate will be like my wife will be like, Oh, let's go and get some watermelon, for example, or some some strawberries or something. And then we go there, and don't get me wrong, it's good, but it's like eight times the price that you would pay anywhere else.

SPEAKER_02 9:02

Yeah, yeah, it's way more.

SPEAKER_00 9:03

So you walk out with like this big box of like fresh fruit, it smells amazing, put it in the car, it smells incredible, but you've just spent like$85 on about 20 bucks worth of fruit. You're like, What do you I don't want to support local fucking shops and shit if they make it that expensive? Fuck off. It's I'll go to Coles, I'll go to Woolworths.

SPEAKER_02 9:22

And at least you didn't have to like be a farmer for the day.

SPEAKER_00 9:25

Yeah, I have to walk through this fucking place and yeah.

SPEAKER_02 9:28

Uh sorry, I was just farming my watermelons before I did this gig. Fuck that.

SPEAKER_00 9:32

Anyway, sorry, yeah. So you used to sell fruit.

SPEAKER_02 9:34

So you used to sell fruit. A lot of Chinese people doing the Great Ocean Road would come. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So on their way home, they would usually rock up and buy fruit. Apparently, fruit in China's shit. Um I mean, if you're Chinese and you're listening to this. Your fruit shit, fuck you. Yeah, chuck something in the comments. Um and then this they would come in there, the busload. Literally a busload of people would get out and all mob me at the same time. 30, 40 people just like handing me get two bucks, this and that. I remember one day everyone had bought their shit. There was one old lady left, and she comes up to me with one punit of strawberries, and I'm like, two dollars. And she was like, did the same thing. I'm like, two dollars. Stares at me. I went over in my change drawer, pulled out a two dollar coin, and she just stared at me again. Give me one of these. She kept on staring at me, pulls out an envelope, hands me the envelope. No joke, there would have been ten thousand dollars in a hundred dollar notes.

SPEAKER_00 10:40

And you just took the envelope and went, thank you so much.

SPEAKER_02 10:43

Yeah, and that's why I was giving back to her daughter tonight.

SPEAKER_00 10:46

Make sure you bring back the plastic punnet though, because we need them.

SPEAKER_02 10:50

Um, I literally looked at her and just went, No, like what am I like? I'm not breaking a hundred dollars for fucking, you know. Yeah, um, she just handed me$10,000 cash, it was a massive envelope, and I just gave it back to her, and I literally went, You can have these strawberries.

SPEAKER_00 11:10

Was she really well dressed, by the way? Because when I was on the Great Ocean Road, and look, if this is a bit racist, I do apologize, but we would see listen up listen clearly, we would see groups of the eyes, Asian uh Asian like stop doing it. We would do groups of Asian tourists, but they were they were dressed, they were going to like the you know the the 12 apostles, yeah. It's great, yeah. They were going there, but it was like they thought the 12 apostles was in the nightclub. They were wearing like dresses and the heels and shit, all of it, and not for like it wasn't like a you know wedding or anything like that. They weren't dressed like that, but they were dressed like they were going out.

SPEAKER_02 11:48

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't that's a crazy they just have one speed, yeah, and it's like we're just wearing like shorts and flip-flops and a hoodie. I took my English mate there for the first time. It's nice, it's lovely, but there's so many tourists and stuff. One of the funniest things I've ever seen though, because I grew up on the Great Ocean Road. Very, very nice. On the Great Ocean Road, yeah, it was very dangerous. Um and there was like there's a place called Fairhaven, um, it's just before lawn. Very nice area. Yeah, it's just it's w about 40, 50 minutes before getting to like Apollo Bay, which would probably be a big landmark. Yeah, and then a couple of hours later it's um 12 apostles and stuff like that. So I always saw Asian people taking a picture of this binary in Fairhaven, and I was always like, What like why? Why do they like I was a delivery driver, I did that route every day, and I was like, that's so strange. And one day I just pulled in after I saw people taking photos of it around this bin, and then I pulled in and I walked over the bin. That was the funniest thing I've ever seen. There was a sticker, there was one sticker on the bin, and it just said, I drive like a cunt. And I was like, that is worse. Does that resonate for them?

SPEAKER_00 13:06

I drive like me.

SPEAKER_02 13:08

I was like, that is funny as fuck. It was just a like a Bali sticker. Yeah. Any of those they were big, like I'm gonna say like 2020. I've been to Bali since so Indonesia, and you used to get these bumper stickers, and they'd be the most vile stuff you've ever seen. But you'd buy 10 of them, and then when your mates were all like on their pea plates and stuff, you'd just uh keep one and then someone would just stick it on there and not tell anyone. And then you'd like to see it. It was always the one that was uh um I smoke eels with my mouth or something like that. I smoke eels with my mouth. Like it's in suck dick, I guess. Eels. Yeah, eel. I smoke eel. Yeah, that was always one. Um I love bang chongs, which I think are lady boys. Okay. Um and then it was I drive like I can't. Something something gay. Bang chong. Yeah, bang chong. I'm pretty sure. Let's have a look at it.

SPEAKER_00 14:03

They're coming up with a lot of very, very weird lingo today. I've never heard dicks referred to as eels. Why would you smoke an eel?

SPEAKER_02 14:10

Smoke my eel. That's what it said. It said smoke my eel. That's bizarre. Eels get smoked. Do they? And then eel.

SPEAKER_00 14:18

You smoke an eel?

SPEAKER_03 14:19

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:20

Not me personally. Well, how do you s what's what what does that mean when it's not a euphemism? To smoke an eel.

SPEAKER_02 14:26

Yeah, well, it's smoked fish, smoked eel.

SPEAKER_00 14:29

Yeah, but smoking would be like i i the eel itself, you would think it's like smoking it like a cigar or something. But that would be the the euphemism for I don't know, this is the it's a weird one. You fucking Aussies, man.

SPEAKER_02 14:41

No, that was barley. They made it for us. What?

SPEAKER_00 14:44

They made it for you, and you buy them, therefore it's your fault. They were the supply, you were the demand. What? Well done for not taking that woman's massive wad of cash, by the way. I would have. I would have taken 10 grand for a punnet of strawberries and never looked back.

SPEAKER_02 15:03

When did you do that? Uh 21. Yeah. So 2011.

SPEAKER_00 15:12

Was that your favourite job, least favourite job? What was what were we talking?

SPEAKER_02 15:16

Um oh yeah, Bang Chong. Traditionally an urban dictionary, yeah, traditionally an Asian word for ladyman. Yeah, that's probably not a nice thing to say.

SPEAKER_00 15:26

Um I didn't fucking I didn't make it up. I didn't write it. Um what uh I call him something else. Uh and you call them a lot. Um what uh yeah, so what what was that job-wise? Like, where would you rank selling fruit on a petrol station?

SPEAKER_02 15:42

Is that one of your as in worse or good?

SPEAKER_00 15:43

Yeah, which which like like is it is it one of the better ones, one of the worst ones?

SPEAKER_02 15:46

Wasn't the like I'm gonna get paid well for it if he's making two grand a day? You got 20 cash an hour. And how many hours? Minimum 10 hour days. Oh I make good money. Yeah, yeah, I made like I worked a lot, so like when you do the hourly rate, it's shit, but all of a sudden when you're you're 21 and I my last job was a plumbing uh uh plumbing apprentice.

SPEAKER_00 16:08

Didn't get paid much.

SPEAKER_02 16:09

So first year plumbing apprentice 2008, I got six dollars eleven an hour. Yep. Jeez. Second year was uh eight dollars twenty-six, I think. No, eight dollars eighteen. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, it was pretty brutal. Oh, I know so when you get twenty dollars cash an hour, you think you're you're killing it.

SPEAKER_00 16:30

Pay's pay here is kind of crazy, like there's obviously the potential to make a lot of money, make really good money and stuff, but even doing and I know it's changed now, it's very difficult, it's hard to kind of you know, I know a lot of people are struggling. When I was working on the farm in like 2010, I was making about a thousand dollars a week. Yeah, okay, yeah, about a grand a week, and I was living in the homestead for free. Yes. I remember talking to one of my mates, and he was like converting it to what he gets in England, and he was like, We make about the same money, and I'm a university professor. Oh well, actually, I don't think he was a professor at that point, but he was like working towards that. But he was a teacher at a university, yeah, and I was like, Yeah, I just fucking touch horses' dicks every now and again and just put bales of hay out.

SPEAKER_02 17:15

So you got danger money. Yeah, that is I definitely had the better job, yeah, yeah. Like you're making a difference. Um, also, yeah, you I assume got some sort of food subsidy and accommodation.

SPEAKER_00 17:29

No, no, just accommodation. I didn't have to pay any rental. Yeah, massive. Um, but also actually, no, they they used to do breakfast for us because like for all the workers, they did breakfast at their main house.

SPEAKER_02 17:39

Just so you had something to throw up when you jerked off a horse.

SPEAKER_00 17:42

Actually, I did so that the horse wanking thing is uh more of an exaggeration. I I sort of I was around it a lot and did it a couple of times, but it wasn't the job. So you set the camera up. No, I just had to be I had to be there for a lot of it, but it was because it's a a quite an intense operation. But my my main job was just to feed them all. So I would drive a Ute like up and down in the mornings and feed just fluff them. Yeah, um, I would drive a Ute up and down in the mornings and feed them like buckets of food and then do it again in the afternoon and then put hay out for the cows. Genuinely, apart from what I do now, that was my favourite job I've ever had. Because there is zero like you know, like I used to I used to run a bar, I used to work in Weatherspoons, and I ended up being a bar manager. I hate weatherspoons, go fuck yourselves.

SPEAKER_02 18:28

I love you. Sponsor us.

SPEAKER_00 18:30

Do not I would that's a sponsor I would turn down.

SPEAKER_02 18:32

The sponsor I would have for my camera.

SPEAKER_00 18:34

No alcohol, no gambling, no nothing. Anyway, that was cigars. My problem was, well, it wasn't at the time, but like looking back, I was like, I it's it's a shit thing to do for like a community or for society. You're not doing anything good. Whereas like we're just feeding horses because you're jerking a horses, you're not doing any harm. What you're doing is every now and again you make one of them come, but you feed them every day. It's great. So it was a genuinely a nice. I've never felt like I've uh like done a job where it was just felt so wholesome, felt like good.

SPEAKER_02 19:03

I yeah, that's really nice. I don't think I've had a job per se besides stand-up where I've actually like made people happy.

SPEAKER_00 19:11

Yeah, you know what I mean? For sure. This is the only job stand up and writing is the only thing that I've ever really fully fucking enjoyed doing and been like any good at. But the the farm, I just it was just nice. It was it was such a change as well. And I was in this, like suddenly in this like beautiful on this amazing farm, it was like 200 acres, yeah, just gorgeous. It was just you wake up to that every morning, it's incredible. Where is this? Up in Bakers Hill.

SPEAKER_02 19:34

How far away is that from Perth?

SPEAKER_00 19:36

Um, it's like an hour. No, it's another two. Yeah, it's not far at all. Yeah, but they told me when I took the job, they're like, people get cabin fever a lot when they come like because it's always backpackers because Australians just didn't want to do that job, they didn't want to be on the farm. But a lot of the backpackers would be English as well, and they um often we don't have driving licenses until we get here. Yeah because it's a very common thing as well. Um, and then you get to WA and you go, Oh wow, you can't live here without a car or without a driving license, but straight away you're not getting that, so you would um you're kind of like stuck on that place. There's nowhere to go unless you walk, and then if you want to drive anywhere, you're not doing that illegally, so you have to rely on other people.

SPEAKER_02 20:13

Yeah, so you are stuck, yeah. You're you're proper fucking stranded, and those horses would be useless to ride because they're all jerked off and sleepy. Oh, yeah, they're all tired from coming so much. Yeah, that's not good. No. Um I could say the worst job I've ever had, and I lasted three days. What was that?

SPEAKER_00 20:30

It was edging glass, not like edging horses.

SPEAKER_02 20:34

No, different.

SPEAKER_00 20:36

Edging glass. What's edging in that? So is that like carving patterns and stuff?

SPEAKER_02 20:41

No, no, no. So, like, let's say you had raw glass, like say you had a uh a glass that was gonna go into a window, yeah, right? Before it goes into a window when it comes off the press or however they make glass, it just came in big sheets in the warehouse that were in, and you would put it through an edger to give it a nice like a finish. Yeah, so you wouldn't cut your fucking fingers off. So when glaciers and stuff like that used them, it wasn't fucking super dangerous.

SPEAKER_00 21:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 21:08

So that was the job. You put it through a machine. Some of this glass was literally an inch to inch and a half thick, and glass weighs a fucking ton. A ton.

SPEAKER_00 21:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 21:20

Some of it we would move around. Me and another dude, I remember this like old Italian man who was a fucking beast. And he was actually his sons went to my school and they owned like the local fish and chip shop. Um, and I can't pronounce their name because it's the most like Italian no Greek, Greek, sorry. Um, and I remember working with him and he was like some of the glass isn't like just normal squares and rectangles and shit, it's crazy shapes. So try and hold something that is like a triangle and it's glass, yeah. So and it weighs a ton. Yeah. So you together you You would pick it up together, you'd wear gloves, you'd also wear um like things on your forearm so to guard up there.

SPEAKER_00 22:07

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:08

On my job interview, the dude was like, Oh, just to let you know, you will get cut. That was his he's like, We've got three workers away now with the with their stitches healing. And I was like, Oh, this sounds fun. Yeah. And you did it for three days? I did it for three days. No, I did it for two days. Okay, it's two days longer.

SPEAKER_00 22:26

I would have walked out there. I genuinely would have been like, oh, thanks, but it should have been shut down this joint.

SPEAKER_02 22:31

But so we're picking up 80 kilo glass panels. Two of us had to pick it up. And he's like, Oh, if this falls, like your reaction will be to grab it. Just naturally, you'll go to grab it because you you don't want to drop it. Yeah, and if you grab it, you're going to get it. You're gonna cut your fucking shit to pieces. And do you know how we tested to see if the glass had been sh um edged? If you tell me you used your fingers, no. So we had shitty like garden gloves. Yeah. We cut off a tip of your finger, so usually your index finger, and you ran it along. It got rid of usually when it went through the machine at worst, like 90% of it. Yeah, that's um, but still it was brutal. And everyone there's hands were all fucked up. Yeah, of course. This and that. It was everyone there had been to prison. Like it was a brutal, brutal job. And I was like, Was it well paid? No, it was it was I think just after that um that job, the the fruit one, fruit one I probably did for a year. Yeah. Um, so I was what was that? So 2000 and maybe 13 or something like that, just before I started stand up. Um, it was brutal, it was absolutely brutal. Not that it was any. I never got him to pay me either. I sent a message to the guy, I'm like, I'm done. Don't bother paying me, blah, blah, blah. Like, this is the job's crap.

SPEAKER_00 23:54

And he was just like, uh Well, so that farm job, my favorite job, right next to the farm, as in like a business that ran side by side with the farm. So there was the performance horses business, and then there was a feedstock business. And then my other job was to work on that feedstock um company. So we would have to like make a ton of mix, basically, like horse mix, cow mix, all that stuff, like feed grain and stuff. We go into this mixer, and then you would pour it out into 20 or 25 kilo bags and then stack it onto a pallet that was like one ton, and then load it onto a truck and send it off. And cow stations and stuff would buy it all the time. And I was doing that in the rain once by myself. It's a three-man job, and I had to do it by myself. Um, because often there was three of us, but this got to this point where it was no one else to work, it was just me. It was doing it in the rain, and I remember this so clearly. I was doing it and I went, This is horrible. I've never said that before out loud to myself about anything, and I just went, This is horrible. And I meant it with every bit of me. And then this is when my my friend Kevin was uh on another farm in Adelaide, he was on a pig farm in Adelaide, and we were both saving to go away. And um, I finished that day, like I finished the day up, and then I went and called him and I was like, What's what's your money situation like? Like, can we go soon? Because I'm I'm done. Like, I'm fucking I love the place and I love the people and everything, but I can't do this job for like much longer. I did it for about two more weeks, yeah, and then we left.

SPEAKER_02 25:20

How long did you do it all up?

SPEAKER_00 25:22

About I would say about a year. Probably did it for about a year and enjoyed the f the hell out of it. It's just that side of it was where all the money was. The feedstock side was where all the money was. Because the what they could sell. Sorry?

SPEAKER_02 25:35

So what they could sell on, I guess.

SPEAKER_00 25:36

Yeah, like otherwise, they sold horse spunk and then they they sold um like it's an adjustment center, so basically like a place that people keep their horses and then they get trained by the people who worked on the farm.

SPEAKER_02 25:48

Um just rocking up, like you go to see your horse and you're driving, and then there's just there's just a bay or some dude just a backpack of wanking your horse off, yeah. Rockies, I'll be with you in a sec. Wow. Yeah. Uh that's stop it. I'm turning 35 this year, your early 40s. We've clearly had a lot of jobs.

SPEAKER_00 26:07

I haven't. You really haven't. I haven't had a lot of jobs. I I can count them. I had a pay I I had a paper round. That was my first ever job. I had a paper round when I was like, Yeah, I was like 13, I think, and I had a paper round. And I push bike. Uh I didn't have one, so I just walked. So um I I quit that it was again, that was horrible. And I was doing Sundays and in the rain in England, it was fucking horrible. So I did that, then I worked in a bar. Um, then I and I worked before I worked in a bar, I worked in a shoe like sports shoe store. Oh, yeah. I actually really loved that job too, because we fucked around. I was in college, we just fucked around all the time. And every Thursday when they paid us very smart, they would give us a massive discount. We got like a 50% staff discount, which was everyone would buy trainers, throw all their money back into the shop. Yeah, but like not all the time, obviously, but like probably like once every like two or three months, I would just spend a couple of hundred pounds on like trainers and like hoodies and stuff. Um that that was a those, yeah, that was good. Uh, and then then I came here, worked on a farm, and now I'm a writer. That's oh, and I worked in a warehouse. So I had like five jobs. Comedy as well, yeah. Comedy writing that I count them as kind of the same thing, but that camera's still on.

SPEAKER_02 27:21

Oh okay. A little weird sound. Um anything that you can remember, any funny stories that happened to your jobs. Did you work at a pig farm as well?

SPEAKER_00 27:32

Uh so down in Albany, you know. I said that Kevin was uh over in Adelaide, and when we when we got to when we drove around the country and our fucking hurley, the van died. We went and worked um at a pig farm for I don't know, like a month, and it was in the Sterling mountain ranges. So again, these things were like a bit like the farm. I was just like, this is um a beautiful place to be, but the actual pig farm itself was fucking horrendous, it was horrible, horrible. Um, there's no real funny stories there, other than I just thought it was so fucking disgusting, but also kind of ironic that um it's like a lot of the people were like, I uh we I don't eat ham anymore. Oh, and I was like, Will you eat all the other meats? Do you know how like things are just made and farmed in jail? Is it just because you're around pigs? Yeah, I was like, I don't know, that made no sense to me. It genuinely made no sense that you could like if it's gonna affect you, why is it it's just because they're pigs? I feel like I feel like if you are that against farming and the way they're treated, you should know that it probably extends to cattle farming and everything else.

SPEAKER_02 28:33

I mean, in that terms as well, you I guess you couldn't jerk off a horse anymore.

SPEAKER_00 28:40

I used to wank the pigs off a fair bit as well. That was just for fun, though. I was just like a hobby. I was just like, I know how to do this, I'm gonna make these guys' lives a bit a bit better.

SPEAKER_02 28:48

Oh, you got a bad life coming, do you?

SPEAKER_00 28:51

Uh no, I I didn't mind that job too much, but I basically just refused to do all of the like they they had to do this thing called backsing and shit where they cut their testicles off. And I was like, I'm not doing that. And I remember saying to them as well, I was like, I totally get it if you if I don't, if I can't work here, but I can't do that thing. And they were like, Oh, well, you can just clean out the pig pens. So they got you know those big like jet washing things that literally tear your skin off if you get your hand in the way, that's how much pressure there is. Because they're like they're like diesel powered, they're so powerful. It's clean pig shit, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 29:20

Yeah, because pigs live in their own muck.

SPEAKER_00 29:23

Yeah, they're like they're super clean animals, but they're fucking filthy as well. It's ridiculous. But anyway, we'd clean those clean those things out, and I did that for a few again. Great money. And where they let us work weekends, and we were backpackers and we just wanted as much money as possible. They let us work weekends and they paid you like three times the rate. Oh, really? Yeah, it was great. Um what about you? Um so you said you had loads of jobs.

SPEAKER_02 29:44

I had lo yeah, for you've had, yeah. That's that's the the thing is remembering. Alright, so glass glass was the worst. Glass was the worst by a mile. I remember this is a brutal story, which is still I actually told my mate who it reg who this story weirdly is about for the first time all of six weeks ago. So on my phone, I think it's funny to have pictures of my mates as young kids.

SPEAKER_00 30:13

I think it's funny too because one of our um peers, one of our comics friends, once asked me if you were gay. Oh and I was like, no, not that I know of. It could be, is it's you I was like, no, no, why? Why are you asking? And he went, I just he's got a picture of like a young man. I think that maybe it was his boyfriend. Ah, and I was like, oh no, he's a pedophile.

SPEAKER_02 30:36

Um, so I used to have a picture of my mate Sissel, who is currently uh actually making our uh design for our and he was This is pretty funny. I'll let you decide because it's brutal. It actually is brutal. So I had a picture of him, he was like in I don't know if you had it in England, but a lot of people would get these stupid photographs when they were younger with their family, and they would sort of dress up and then it would be just a gay picture on the wall of their family and like fancy dress or something like that.

SPEAKER_00 31:14

Oh, do you mean like full-on family portraits? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, god.

SPEAKER_02 31:17

So he had one of those, and one of my mates that was at his family home zoomed in on it, and he looked like something out of Phantom of the Opera. It looked hilarious. He had this big hat on and shit, and he was wearing like a little suit.

SPEAKER_00 31:29

Was it sorry to interrupt you, but what is it? Was it I'm just trying to picture these things? Is it like the um because you know some of them do them in like uh I don't know, like a saloon and it's like a Western thing. Was it one of the easy ones? Right, okay. It was a novelty sort of right, not just uh family portrait, everyone posing 200 10 type thing.

SPEAKER_02 31:46

Or was it just a different version of those, I guess? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So his family does it, my mate zooms in on that photo, takes a photo of it. Okay, puts it in the group chat. I think it's hilarious.

SPEAKER_00 31:57

He's in the group chat too, Thistle? Yeah, yeah, okay.

SPEAKER_02 31:59

It was just like, look at this guy. Um, because Thistle was in the house, like it was when they were all visiting and stuff, and everyone was like, ha ha, that's funny. And I when I get a funny photo, I like to keep it on the back of my like like wallpaper on my phone. So I had it up there for ages, didn't think anything of it. Got this job working in a hardware store, working with a lady, and um my phone's on the desk one day, and she goes, Oh, who's that? And I just finally just go, like I'm 26.

SPEAKER_00 32:33

Oh god, you've told me this story. Yeah, oh my god, 26 or 27. How have I forgotten this fucking story? Strap in this is the worst thing anyone's ever done.

SPEAKER_02 32:43

Yeah, I know it's crazy.

SPEAKER_00 32:44

Okay, go on. Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you.

SPEAKER_02 32:47

So I'm like 26, 27, and I'm like, oh, this is my son. And she was like, Oh yeah. Um, how old is he? And then I went in to like talk about it, and then she goes, This is my son, and shows me a photo, the same thing on her phone as a young kid, and she goes, He passed away a few years ago. Yeah, how old your boy? And I went, I don't know what happened. I'm like, Well, well, he would have been what is wrong with you, and I said that well, he would have been like seven or something. I don't know, it was very strange. I don't know what I was thinking at the time, and she was like, Yeah, that was about the rough age of my son passed away and stuff, and I was like, What have you done? Like, what what psychopath thing have you done? This is insane. I know, I know once I said it was fucking men's. Like it was like I wasn't con I I was on the computer and I don't think I was concentrating, and I just blurted it out, being an absolute moron, and she was like in her late 40s, I would say, right, and I was like, Yep. And then she was like, Yeah, it's hard, isn't it, when a kid passes away. And I think it just registered in my brain, being like, oh shit. Like, I've just said one, I have a kid, and that kid's died, and she just went into it. I'm like, I'm too deep now, yeah. I'm fucking so deep into this.

SPEAKER_00 34:14

Oh, yeah, there's no backing out. You have to create a really rich tapestry for this story now.

SPEAKER_02 34:19

One thing which I am impressed and also like ashamed of is I told her not to tell anyone. So she shouldn't tell anyone, like, no one knows, just don't tell anyone because no one knows all of my close friends.

SPEAKER_00 34:37

Did not know that I had a child for seven years before he tragically passed away from bath water.

SPEAKER_02 34:45

I don't even know if we ever got to that point, but fast forward, like fuck. We weren't getting along that well. I was working with her and she like we just clashed a bit. She was just a normal worker. I was just a normal worker, yeah, no management or anything like that. I think she just thought I was lazy in a psycho, which is fair. And I was out the back one day just fucking around on the computer. I think I had sports bet up or something like that, and my bet had f lost. Yeah, and I she walked out and I fucking like hit my phone on the table. I was like, fucking cunt, fuck. And she walks up to me and goes, Is it are you alright? And I was just like, Oh yeah, you're just thinking about my dead kid. I no, I I went like, yeah, it's it's tough, yeah. It's just, you know, it's coming up to his birthday.

SPEAKER_03 35:35

Oh fuck me.

SPEAKER_02 35:38

I knew I was leaving waste, so I I was there for like another. I think when I said that to her, I maybe I was going back to Canada and I had maybe maybe four to five weeks left. So this is full-on mental patient behavior. I know like I I that's it's it is genuinely a psychopath. Like I it's so dumb. But I also thought that she saw me because I had like sport and shit up on like I can't remember what I was watching on the screen, it might have been yeah, or basketball or something like that. Yeah, um, and I thought, like, oh, if she saw it, she's just gonna go and tell. Right. I I need this money for the next five weeks. So I was like, go full on stage five lie and just bang. And then she was like, Yeah, it happens. She's like, Yeah, I'll let you know when it's getting close to my son's like this and that.

SPEAKER_00 36:31

And I was like, And then you're like, Yeah, can you let me know when it was my son's birthday as well? Because I'll forget this date. I don't know what this date is.

SPEAKER_02 36:37

I always thought in my head, if it ever popped up, I would be like, No.

SPEAKER_00 36:41

What do you mean?

SPEAKER_02 36:42

If if she had a thing and said to the actual manager, like, oh Tate's son died, blah blah blah. Yeah, that lady, the manager know me. Holy shit.

SPEAKER_00 36:49

So you'd have been like, Oh no, she's lying. I've I've never had a oh that's again, you're you're a psycho.

SPEAKER_02 36:55

I know this is crazy. What the fuck? I never had to, though.

SPEAKER_00 36:59

No, oh Jesus Christ.

SPEAKER_02 37:01

So she No, I could have I think I was older.

SPEAKER_00 37:05

It was about a month ago. So she she she's never she doesn't know any different, she just knows the story that she knows. That her former co-worker Tate Middleton had a son who died.

SPEAKER_02 37:18

She was a casual. That's right. That's right then. That's right. I didn't see her much. She was a casual that had been working there for a very long time.

SPEAKER_00 37:25

How old did you say you were?

SPEAKER_02 37:26

26. Uh, the math doesn't work in my head for that now. Yeah. I think I was 28.

SPEAKER_00 37:31

Okay, so 21 and you had a kid, and and she accepted that as a yeah.

SPEAKER_02 37:35

No, I mean it's not that. I know, it's not yeah. She is a country bumpkin.

SPEAKER_00 37:39

I have them at 15, so fuck it.

SPEAKER_02 37:40

Well, she had a she I think she had kids really young too.

SPEAKER_00 37:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 37:44

Well, yeah, I mean, yeah, or lost, yeah, true, unfortunately. Um, but yeah, that was one of the more psycho things I've ever done.

SPEAKER_00 37:52

I mean, I don't know if there's a more psycho thing to to do. That's that's absolutely probably killing a kid. Killing a actual kid, yeah, that might be worse. Yeah, might be, I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 38:02

Yes. Um, we do we do have a a few of thingies. Um I was thinking of just doing one. Oh, cool.

SPEAKER_00 38:10

Um but but a few these are voice notes or voice note, yep, yep. I got some like ghost story stuff that people have sent in. I haven't read them yet, but maybe we do that next week because we're running out of time.

SPEAKER_02 38:20

I reckon. Um where are you? I don't I don't know what this one is, so we'll see. It is my mate James Ackerman.

SPEAKER_00 38:29

Is he a terrible person as well?

SPEAKER_02 38:31

Or no, he's cool.

SPEAKER_00 38:32

Alright, so we can trust the yeah, go for a player.

SPEAKER_02 38:34

I can't hang on. Let me get this fucker out. All right, let's see what the big old James has to say.

SPEAKER_01 38:43

What's up, guys? It's your man Jimmy Grant here, sending us in all the way from Nova Scotia, Canada. My question for you today is what is worse in a dorm room? Snoring or somebody having sex? Let me know.

SPEAKER_00 39:00

I'm just gonna say right out it's snoring because having sex lasts for about 11 seconds. Snoring lasts, well, well, if I'm doing it, it's 11 seconds. Snoring lasts for like fucking, if I'm doing it, 12 hours because I sleep a lot. So snoring trumps the worst that's the worst for sure.

SPEAKER_02 39:19

Yeah, I would say that too.

SPEAKER_00 39:22

You're not gonna beat off to the sound of someone snoring, but you would to the sound of someone fucking.

SPEAKER_02 39:27

It is also a like uh it's a conversation starter, yeah, yeah. Well, like sex, not oh, actually, no, I've talked about people, so I'm usually the one snoring. I just imagine, like, yeah, I guess, yeah, there's two two a man and a woman having sex, fine. Two two dudes fucking, I don't think would be good because it's no, but there would be the novelty of it. I think that would get me.

SPEAKER_00 39:52

I think the novelty of it would be quite fun because like I have never seen that or been a part of it before. So if I was in a dorm and two dudes are fucking, I think that would genuinely be quite funny.

SPEAKER_02 40:01

Yeah, true.

SPEAKER_00 40:02

Um, if it's two women, I'm like, I have watched this a thousand times, forget about it. But with the dudes, I haven't. Um, I do remember actually being in Adelaide in a backpackers hostel, and it was one of those dorm rooms where there was like 3,000 people in there, yeah, and there was a snorer in there. He was he was a big boy, and it sounded like an engine. It was it's crazy. You know, you ever hear someone snore and you go, physically, that doesn't make sense for you to be exhaling for that long and then inhaling for that. Like, where's the break? It's weird. It's the breathing doesn't make sense. If you tried to copy the breathing, you would pass out. Like, how are you doing that as you snore? But it was so fucking loud, it was crazy.

SPEAKER_02 40:45

The thing about snoring that I think like I snore, it's unfortunate. I've had people genuinely be like, wake me up in hostels. I've had people being like, fuck you, snore, and I'm like, I'm sorry, I breathe when I'm asleep. Yeah, it's just one of those things that we do. I know, I know. I wish. I always think to myself too, if I was ever in a situation like a horror movie or something, and you know when they like pass out like under a tree after they've been chased and all this shit, and or they're in a roof, they'd find you in a heartbeat. Yeah, I'd never see that in a fucking movie where some like or an army man, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 41:17

You know an army guy like the diary of Tate Middleton as Anne Frank's like uh she's up there. I can't fucking hear it.

SPEAKER_02 41:23

What the fuck?

SPEAKER_00 41:24

Is there a bear in the roof?

SPEAKER_02 41:26

Um, but that's the thing, like, how do army people stealth at night when they I guess they don't snore.

SPEAKER_00 41:31

Well, I guess I mean typically people who snore tend to have like respiratory issues of some degree or another.

SPEAKER_02 41:38

Well, fat can snore.

SPEAKER_00 41:40

Yeah, but I think well, okay, so maybe uh like a weight weight is an issue, but maybe also just breathing in general. I think if you're in the army, you don't have any of that because you've got to be like in fucking tip-top shape.

SPEAKER_02 41:50

Maybe I have some mates who are so athletically fit and they snore their dicks off. Really? Yeah, I think it's just a unfortunate uh you're you you it's too, I reckon it's fatty around here. Yeah, the the thinner I am, the less I snore, I've been told. Okay. Um and but I also think that some people was like they go into such a deep sleep that everything just muscles just relax. Yeah. Um if you're a nose, mouth, and feet doctor. Or a fat cunt. Yeah, uh let us know. Let us know how fat you are.

SPEAKER_00 42:26

If you are a foot surgeon, do get in touch because it is worrying.

SPEAKER_02 42:32

My toe at the moment, too, as I said, like after running in the gym and pounding it, yeah, it's fucked.

SPEAKER_00 42:38

Dude, Xavier sent me a picture of his toe the other day, and he goes, I is this gonna be okay? Like, I'm a doctor and I would know. So his Wait, you're not a doctor? His toenail is completely fucked, and it's all like fungally and shit. Oh, I don't know that. And um, and the but all of the rest of his foot is disgusting too. And I went, What do you do generally to look after your feet? Because whatever it is, increase that by like 8,000 percent and start immediately. And he goes, You don't have to do anything to look after your feet. I was like, I look, you kind of do, and some people probably don't, but you you do, you gotta do something. It's his feet are a mess. I was like, dude, it looks like a fucking flapjack. What you've got to sort that out, man.

SPEAKER_02 43:16

Yeah, um, this is a weird one. I saw this the other day, it was just a meme, and it got me thinking, Do you wash your legs in the shower, like physically bend, like say your shins and your calves and stuff? Do you bend down?

SPEAKER_00 43:30

I used to I used to do a bit about how I shouldn't be allowed to have a kid because I've never even washed my own knees. And I mean it because I was like, don't wash my and the back of my knees too.

SPEAKER_03 43:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 43:40

Um, but when I started to think about it, I was like, that's pretty gross. I am gonna start to do it. So I do now, and I do. I genuinely like I you know those gloves that you get.

SPEAKER_03 43:51

Oh, really?

SPEAKER_00 43:51

I use those you're gay, but yeah, yeah, yeah. I am so gay. I use those on my feet and then moisturize afterwards.

SPEAKER_02 44:00

Oh really?

SPEAKER_00 44:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 44:01

That's cool.

SPEAKER_00 44:02

Because I don't want to have feet like yours or Xavier's.

SPEAKER_02 44:04

My feet aren't like it's not dead skin or no, no, you're I should say and we will toes like this.

SPEAKER_00 44:11

We will 100% be posting pictures of your feet. I don't think we will. Well, we will because if we clip up any of this, they need a reference. So it Tate's feet, his toes are like this. It looks like a monkey is trying to pick up a pen off the floor. Um and we'll easily manage it.

SPEAKER_02 44:27

That's probably the best way to describe it.

SPEAKER_00 44:28

Yeah, no, it's 100% what they look like. But yes, to be fair, the skin and everything else is fine. Yeah. But it's fucking disgusting.

SPEAKER_02 44:35

Yeah, the idea that it's like no, they're worse than that.

SPEAKER_00 44:38

That's you're like, oh, my feet look like this. They don't look like this. They look like somebody, yeah, it's just get them out.

SPEAKER_02 44:47

No. Crack my big toe.

SPEAKER_00 44:49

That's what a Patreon will be.

SPEAKER_02 44:50

Yeah, it's just toe picks. Yeah. Um, only toes. Uh what were we just talking about? Feet before feet, me being a psychopath, jobs. I'm lost on that. Yeah, I if you're I'm not gonna say your name, but I don't I never had a kid. I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_00 45:09

You're not sorry. Yeah, well, that's not sorry.

SPEAKER_02 45:12

How long has that been? 2018, I think that was.

SPEAKER_00 45:17

That's not that long ago. That's what's crazy about that. That's just seven years.

SPEAKER_02 45:21

Yeah, but that's uh Statue of Limitations or whatever it's called, isn't it? What on bullshitting Yeah, yeah, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00 45:28

I don't know. I don't think there is one.

SPEAKER_02 45:29

I think there is. I'm fine now. I don't you can lie, you're allowed to lie.

SPEAKER_00 45:33

You're allowed to lie, you are. You're absolutely allowed to lie. I said before I used to make up jobs and stuff all the time when I was traveling because I got bored of talking about the same shit. Yeah, it's one of those things.

SPEAKER_02 45:42

All right, ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. Uh, keep sending in all the stuff that's literally fantastic. Yeah, thank you. You don't have to send in voice notes, send in send in whatever you want.

SPEAKER_00 45:54

Just let us know if you don't want your names sort of read out, especially if it's fucking disgusting. Like if you did something awful, like for example, you lied to a coworker about having a child and then you killed that child off because you didn't know where to go with the story. Like, if you did something like that, I totally understand. If you don't want your name attached to it, I'm gonna read your name. Goodbye. Thank you.