Circle of Chairs with Caroline Beidler: Myths About Addiction Recovery

What if some of the things you’ve believed about addiction recovery—about love, relapse, boundaries, even faith—aren’t fully true?

In this episode, I gently challenge 10 common myths that quietly shape how we show up for the people we love. If you’ve ever wondered…

• Am I enabling?
• Is relapse proof they’re not trying?
• Shouldn’t my faith make this easier?
• Why does loving them feel so exhausting?

This conversation is for you.

We’ll unpack what’s really happening beneath addiction, why recovery is rarely a straight line, and how love and boundaries can coexist without guilt. Most of all, we’ll talk about your healing—because recovery doesn’t just impact one person.

If you’ve been walking on eggshells, afraid of saying the wrong thing, I hope this episode brings clarity, courage, and grounded hope.

Time Stamps

00:00 Top 10 Addiction Recovery Myths (Intro & Overview)
01:01 Myth #1: “Loving Them Is Enabling” — Love + Boundaries
03:39 Myth #2: “Addiction Is a Choice” — What’s Happening in the Brain
07:16 Myth #3: “Talking About Drugs Makes Them Use” — Why Conversation Protects
09:18 Myth #4: “Relapse Means They’re Not Serious” — Recurrence & the Recovery Journey
14:40 Myth #5: “Boundaries Are Mean” — Why Boundaries Are Brave
15:46 Myth #6: “My Healing Doesn’t Matter” — Family Recovery Starts With You
16:56 Myth #7: “I’m the Only One” — Finding Community
18:05 Myth #8: “If I Have Faith, I Shouldn’t Struggle” — Holding Faith and Pain
19:20 Myth #9: “Mental Health Talk Is Weak” — Strength in Asking for Help
20:17 Myth #10: “They Just Need to Stop” — Getting to the Root
Wrap-Up: Truth, Hope & Final Encouragement

Pre-order the book When You Love Someone In Recovery:  https://whenyoulovesomeoneinrecovery.com/

Caroline Beidler, MSW, is an author, speaker, and Managing Editor of Recovery.com, where she combines expert guidance with research to help people find the best path to healing and treatment. Her book, When You Love Someone in Recovery: A Hopeful Guide for Understanding Addiction, was released Spring 2026 with Nelson Books. Drawing from her own recovery journey through addiction, mental health challenges, and trauma, along with training as a clinical mental health provider and addiction recovery expert, Caroline is passionate about guiding you into seasons of greater healing. Learn more about her books here. 

Subscribe to her Circle of Chairs Substack community at carolinebeidler.substack.com 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to Circle of Chairs Conversations with Caroline Beidler. Real talk on addiction, mental health, healing, and hope for people in or seeking recovery and our loved ones. So pull up a chair. You are not alone.

SPEAKER_01 0:13

Hey friends. This week I'm really excited to bring you some super helpful information. We are gonna go at this a little bit differently, though, and this is really an important way to look at how we think about addiction recovery, how we think about addiction recovery. And I want to make sure that everyone who's listening, everyone who's listening knows about the top myths, the myths, the things we might be getting wrong when it comes to how we view addiction recovery and how we show up and support our loved ones. All right, you ready? So we are going to go through today. We are going to go through, let's see, how many myths? 10 myths. 10. Or we may just throw in a couple more for good measure. All right, are you ready? The top myths related to loving someone in or seeking addiction recovery. Myth number one, this one might be my favorite. Loving is enabling. Loving is enabling. I like to say, you all, that showing up with love, choosing love first is one of the best things that we can do when we are trying to support our loved ones and show up for them. Love is essential. We can support and show love to our family members who are struggling with addiction, no matter what their actions are. Our loving men will not cause them to use. Trust me, we can do this all by ourselves. All right. This is tough to hear. This is tough. But when we extend love with boundaries, okay, we are showing our family member and people that we care about that we are there for them no matter what. I talk about this in my new book, but imagine if we received love only when we deserved love. We're not perfect, are we? Nobody is. Nobody is. When we show up with love, we're showing our family member that we are there for them no matter what. There is something so powerful about unconditional love. I think for too long, families have been told that any type of support is enabling. That we love someone struggling with addiction. If we answer the phone, if we have them over for a holiday meal, if we show up, we are causing harm. That we must step back. We must let them hit rock bottom. We must just pray for them, but not show up for them in their everyday life. But look, listen, listen to this. Here's the truth. There's a big difference between enabling and loving. Enabling is not the same as encouraging, okay? Support does not mean codependence. Oh, I hate that word. Instead of turning away, let's learn how to set healthy, loving boundaries. Invite others into our circle of support and care. If we're having a hard time showing up and loving that person in our life who's either struggling with addiction or in recovery, let's lean on our people to do that. We don't have to do it alone. We don't have to do it alone. We can care deeply and wisely, okay? Love does not mean being silent, setting firm boundaries where we never see our loved one unless they meet X, Y, or Z expectation, right? We can show up. Myth number two. Addiction is a choice. Woo! Let's get rid of that one right now. Addiction is a choice. Myth number two. Most people don't choose addiction, all right? I didn't wake up when I was a little kid, a little girl, and say, you know what I want to be when I grow up? I want to struggle with substance use disorder. I want to struggle with alcohol. I want to struggle with fill in the blank. So addiction, you all, is not something that we choose. I believe it, in a sense, it almost chooses us. What it does to the brain. When we choose to use substances, what we're really doing is we're looking for and choosing a coping strategy. We're looking for relief, escape. We're looking to feel numb about what might be going on inside of us and what might be hurting us. But what starts as a coping mechanism can become a trap. Here's what's really going on inside the brain, okay? When we use substances problematically or repeatedly, what can happen over time is a dopamine flood. And at first, substances can bring a sense of euphoria, right? Especially for someone raising my hand who's been through a lot of trauma or emotional pain. But that's when the brain rewiring begins. Over time, our brains stop producing their own feel-good chemicals. So we need more of the substance that we're using just to feel quote unquote normal. I remember how hard this was, especially in my teens and 20s. It was like, look, I'm chasing this feel-good feeling, this high, but it's always out of reach because by the point my substance use disorder developed, I was using substances just to feel normal, just to feel normal, because my brain needed that. It wasn't making dopamine, it wasn't making some of these chemicals on its own anymore. This myth, I think, is super destructive that we can somehow choose addiction, right? We need to be understanding of and maybe have some empathy for those of us who are caught in this cycle. That's not about getting high. It's about avoiding the crushing and very painful at times, even physically lows of withdrawal, the depression, the anxiety that hits. You know someone or if you've experienced opioid withdrawal, it has been described as like the worst flu or sickness you've ever experienced. So a lot of times using is trying to stave off some of those physical withdrawals and that detox. Addiction hijacks the very part of our brains responsible for decision making. So what looks like a choice from the outside is often a desperate attempt to survive. Do you have a hard time viewing addiction as a condition? Some people say that it's a moral failure. Some people say that it is a brain disease, a medical condition. There's a lot of ways that we try to define it. But I want to encourage us to kind of uh set that need to try to define and start to look at what's true. Start to look at what's true. What's true is that healing is possible. What's true, and I talk about this in my new book, When You Love Someone in Recovery, is that the science of recovery, yes, we know the science of addiction, but the science of recovery shares and shows us that healing, our brains can heal, that healing is possible. That healing is possible. What if we could reframe that myth into maybe addiction isn't a choice, but recovery can be. All right, myth number three. You ready? Talking about drug use will make my loved one want to use the part. Especially if we have loved ones who are maybe teenagers or young adults. I think a lot of times we're afraid to talk about substance use because we're afraid it's going to cause our loved one to use. But again, raising my hand here, nothing that my loved ones could say or do would cause me, propel me to use more. Open and honest conversation builds safety and trust. It doesn't increase use. All right, let's set the record straight. Talking about drugs doesn't plant the idea. It can protect us from it. It brings things into the light. Avoiding conversation doesn't keep our kids safe, our loved ones safe. It keeps them uninformed. And you know what? The more uninformed we are about the realities of problematic substance use and how it can lead to addiction or substance use disorder, is that it makes us more vulnerable to things like peer pressure or this curiosity or even misinformation. There's so much misinformation out there today online. But what open conversations do, they won't cause your loved one to use, but they will build trust. They'll show that you're a safe place to bring up these issues, a safe place to come and listen and talk. They'll show your loved ones that, you know what? Open conversations about these issues will give real facts, not based on fear. And maybe will help equip them to make better choices if they have the information. And ultimately, you know what? Then I'm all about this. Let's break generational cycles of not just shame and substance use, but silence. All right. And you don't need perfect answers. You don't need all the information when you talk to your loved one about these issues. Just a willingness to show up, to listen, and to love. Let your voice be louder than maybe the lies that your loved one is hearing out in the world. Myth number four, you ready? Myth number four, ooh, this was a this is a good one. If they relapse or have a recurrence of use, they're not serious about recovery. Ever feel this way? Oh, my loved one's been to treatment several times and keeps having a recurrence of use, must mean that they're not serious or must mean that they can't get better or they won't get better, or they're doing this to us, that they're somehow failing. But guess what? The research shows that upwards of 90% of people, if you're using specific substances like nicotine or opioids, and then 40 to 60% for other folks using different types of substances, experience a recurrence of use. It can be part of the journey, okay? I am raising my hand, love to say this because I can relate. I've experienced a recurrence abuse. It doesn't mean failure. It means that healing is still happening and it can just mean that's part of the journey. Now, does it have to be? Absolutely not. I know people that have maintained their recovery over the long term and never experienced a recurrence abuse. Okay. I've done the research for you. You don't have to go out back out. Okay, folks, if you're listening, it doesn't get any better, just FYI. Some of us in recovery like to joke that uh recovery has ruined going back out or ruined substance use because uh yeah, it's not fun anymore. Um but it doesn't mean failure, right? Recurrence abuse is common. It's a journey, this road of recovery. And I like to say that it's not a straight line. We do not go from point A, addiction, to point R, recovery. There's detours, setbacks, there's different chances, okay? Second, third, fourth, fifth. As long as we're breathing, as long as today is today, as long as we wake up, we have another opportunity. Another opportunity. Maybe what our loved ones need is grace. Maybe, like we just talked about, we need an open place to come talk and listen. All right. If your loved one has had a recurrence abuse, you are not alone, and neither are they. It is a common part of the journey. Hey, friends, let me interrupt this podcast for just a moment because what I'm about to say could change everything for you and your family. Most people who love someone in addiction recovery want to be supportive. They want to say the right thing. They want to help without making things worse. And yet, so many of us are lying awake at night replaying conversations, second-guessing texts, wondering if we were too harsh or not harsh enough. Or if our silence did more damage than our words. Here's the truth. Most of us were never taught what recovery actually is for the people who love someone in it, or how to walk through it with them without losing yourself. And that lack of understanding is why supporting recovery can feel confusing and emotionally draining. My new book, When You Love Someone in Recovery, officially releases April 7th from Nelson Books, but it's available for pre-order right now. I wrote this book not just because I've studied recovery, but because I've lived it. And today I walk alongside people in recovery and the parents, partners, and friends who are walking through that process alongside them, trying desperately to do everything right. This book is not about fixing your loved one. It's about understanding recovery as a way of life. So you can stop guessing and start responding with clarity. You'll learn how to support without enabling, how to set boundaries without spiraling afterward, and how to stay loving and grounded without living in constant fear of saying or doing the wrong thing. If loving men well matters to you, you can't keep carrying this confusion alone. And loving someone in recovery shouldn't cost you your peace. So pause this podcast right now. Go to Amazon or wherever you buy books, and pre-order when you love someone in recovery. This is your moment to choose, friends. Continuing walking on eggshells, or step in truth, into clarity, compassion, and confidence in responses that actually bring relief. Pre-order now. So when this book releases on April 7th, it's already at your door. So at the next moment that's hard, maybe the next difficult conversation or sleepless night, you have something to reach for that helps you breathe, understand, and respond with peace. Because if their healing matters, and it does, your healing matters too. So now let's get back to the podcast. Myth number five, boundaries are mean. Oh, as a people pleaser and someone who likes to be nice, I've been called Midwest nice. I'm like, is that a compliment or is that a I don't know. I don't know what that is. Boundaries are mean. You know what? Boundaries protect love. I like to say boundaries are brave. They can prevent resentment. And you know what? They're actually compassionate. Boundaries aren't barriers to love. They're what protect it. Without healthy limits, our love can get buried under things like resentment, burnout, and confusion. But when we set clear, compassionate boundaries, something powerful happens, you all. Respect can grow, safety can be restored, and relationships can become stronger and not strain. All right? Boundaries aren't rejection. We can set boundaries and still show up and love our people. I remember my family was really good at setting boundaries when I was struggling as a teen. My dad would show up. He would take me out for lunch. He would buy me groceries. Would he give me cash? No. Would he allow or be okay with me lying? No. Were there consequences? Yes. But they showed up and they showed up in the way that they could with boundaries. All right, myth number six. You ready? My healing doesn't matter. It's about them. I want to encourage us to think differently about that. If your loved one is in or seeking recovery, does recovery start with us or them? Maybe our healing is the foundation. Your healing matters too. Not just for them, not just for their recovery, but for you. You. When someone you love is in or seeking recovery, it's easy to pour everything into their journey. But family recovery can start with you. And I love this. Your healing becomes the soil where hope can grow. How is it different if you spend your week, maybe your weekend, taking care of yourself, like really taking care of yourself? Rest, therapy. Maybe you have a family recovery planning guide. I should shout out to that. I created one of those. You can find it on my website, when you love someone in recovery.com. But what's one thing you can do today that fills your cough? Think about your recovery, your health. Maybe you don't want to say your recovery, maybe you don't connect with that, but it's just taking care of yourself. Your healing matters too, not just theirs. Myth number seven, I'm the only one going through this. You know what? Not anymore. All right. Used to be decades ago, my mom even shared this recently in an interview I did with her, Diana Dallas, that, you know, when I was struggling as a teen several decades ago, she felt like she was the only one. She had she didn't think she could talk to anyone. She was embarrassed for herself or me. She just, she just felt utterly alone. But here's the truth, you all. If you are not dealing with addiction in your family or in your circle, you were the odd one out. All right. If it's you, I would imagine if you're listening to this that you are impacted and you know that. But almost 100% of families today are impacted by addiction in some way. So you're not alone. We were never meant to do life alone, you all. And healing happens in community. All right. There are people who get it, people who you don't even know are struggling right now. And if you opened up about what your family's experience, you'd be surprised how many people probably connect with that. So think about who's your safe person to talk to? Who can you connect with? Myth number eight. All right, you ready? We're almost done. We got two more. Faith means I shouldn't struggle. All right, here's for all my believers out there. Ever hear this? Like, well, maybe you're not praying hard enough. Maybe you're not X, Y, and Z enough, maybe you should go to church more, maybe you need to do this more. All right. This really bothers me because, you know, faith doesn't eliminate pain. We are not promised a pain-free life. But faith can give us the strength to walk through whatever we face. All right. If you're feeling weary, if you're feeling tired, if you're feeling afraid, doesn't mean you don't love God or you don't have faith. Maybe you're just going through a season of struggle. This makes you human, okay? I love this verse from 2 Corinthians, chapter 12, verse 9. My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. All right. Faith isn't about being unshakable. It's about knowing who to lean on when you've been shaken. You can have faith and feel tired. You can have faith and be concerned about your loved one. You can have faith and feel like, where is God? I've been praying for my loved one for so long. You can hold both. You can hold both. Myth number nine, talking about mental health is weak. Y'all, no, no, no, no, no, no. Talking about our mental health is courageous, especially when it's about recovery or our loved ones' recovery. When we can encourage our loved one to say, I need help, woo, what a beautiful moment. This isn't the end of something. This is the beginning. And maybe it's not just our loved ones, maybe it's us too. Maybe it's coming to the realization that we can't love our person alone. We can't just keep praying in our room alone at night for our loved one struggling with addiction. We need help. Maybe we need counseling. We need to go to a family peer support group. We need to talk to someone we trust about what we are carrying. We do not have to carry it alone. You can talk about your mental health and encourage your loved one to do the same. All right. Strength is asking for help. Strength is asking for help. Strength is asking for help. All right. And finally, y'all, the last myth, myth number 10, they just need to stop using. All right. Anyone else feel like if they just stopped using, everything would be okay? Addiction is the problem. If they just stopped using this substance, if they just this, if they just this, if they just this. But what if addiction was never the problem? What if that wasn't the problem? What if the problem was that addiction was the solution? We know that addiction is often this desperate attempt to escape what feels unbearable, maybe trauma, shame, loneliness, okay? I've been there. My own problematic substance use and addiction was the symptom of something greater going on. And real healing happens when we get honest about the root. Recovery is not just stopping, it's about finding new ways to cope, connect, and feel safe. Have you ever used something? Maybe substances, maybe work, maybe food, busyness, approval, a Netflix, YouTube to cope with your pain? Maybe we need to start looking at the root causes. Maybe not focusing so much on the addiction, but what's underneath them? Where is the root that we need to address? What is it? And what can we replace that substance use with? How can we learn new healthy rhythms? I love talking about recovery rhythms. You know what? And when we start to do that, that's when recovery really begins. Really begins. Recovery is a start, but it's not a solution. Okay. It's not a solution. We need to keep walking this road together. It's about addressing those underlying issues. And it's about ultimately going back to all of the myths we've talked about, thinking about the truth. Thinking about the truth. Loving is not enabling. There's a difference. There's a difference. We can love and show up in a way that's healthy. Maybe we need to stop thinking about addiction as a choice and learn more about how it hijacks the brain. And not only that, but what recovery, what recovery does to the brain and to the mind and how beautiful that is. We need to stop thinking about the fact that if we talk about drugs and alcohol use, it's going to make our love and want to use them. No, open and honest conversation can be so helpful. What if we change the way we think about relapse or recurrence of use too? That it could be a part of the journey or that boundaries are actually brave and a healthy way to support our loved one? What if we start thinking about our own healing and self-care, that it's also about us? And that when we take care of ourselves, we can show up in better ways to support our loved one. What if we remember that we're not the only one going through this? That just because we are struggling doesn't mean we don't have faith. And that when we need support, we can reach out and ask for help. That reaching out for our own help doesn't necessarily show our weaknesses. Doesn't mean we're weak. Asking for help is a strength. Thank you so much for listening. I'm so grateful to be able to share these myths with you. I'd love to hear from you about how you connect with those. And I also would love, love, love for you to leave a review on the podcast Circle of Chairs. That helps more people get this information that is so helpful for them. So be a part of the movement of sharing recovery with our loved ones and our families. Until next time, thank you so much for being here.

SPEAKER_00 23:54

Thanks for listening. For more resources, visit CarolineBeidler.com.