Share with Someone Who Loves You

In this special episode of Circle of Chairs, I'm sharing key points from my new book, When You Love Someone in Recovery, and I created this one specifically for you to pass along to someone who loves you. Whether you're in recovery yourself or you're the family member or friend walking alongside someone who is, this episode is designed to help bridge that gap of understanding. I talk about why families matter more than we've been told, how to rethink some of the old ideas that have left loved ones feeling guilty or helpless, and why there's so much more reason for hope than you might think — even when the journey doesn't look the way you expected. Listen in, and then hit that share button and send it to your person.

Caroline Beidler, MSW, is an author, speaker, and Managing Editor of Recovery.com, where she combines expert guidance with research to help people find the best path to healing and treatment. Her next book, When You Love Someone in Recovery: A Hopeful Guide for Understanding Addiction, is coming Spring 2026 with Nelson Books. Drawing from her own recovery journey through addiction, mental health challenges, and trauma, along with training as a clinical mental health provider and addiction recovery expert, Caroline is passionate about guiding you into seasons of greater healing. Learn more about her books here. 

Subscribe to her Circle of Chairs Substack community at carolinebeidler.substack.com 

Transcript

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Welcome to Circle of Chairs Conversations with Caroline Feidler. Real talk on addiction, mental health, healing, and hope for people in or seeking recovery and our loved ones. So pull up a chair. You are not alone.

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Hey friends, today I have a special episode of Circle of Chairs. Just for you. And this is a special episode because it's for you and it's for you to share. So I would love for you to share this episode with someone who loves you. All right, here's why. I'm going to go through some key points that I talk about in my new book, When You Love Someone in Recovery. These key points help our loved ones understand not just our journey better, but understand some key things that will help them love us. How amazing is that? Help us help them love us. So after you listen, I want you to get ready. There'll be a little button to share with someone who loves you. Maybe a few people who love you. All right. These are key points to consider. So if you're listening and you love someone in or seeking recovery, this is for you. And I just want to clarify something. When I say seeking recovery, what does that mean? I love this phrase, someone in or seeking recovery. Have you ever sought anything? Oh my gosh, I've had so many seasons of seeking you all. Seeking recovery can mean struggling with a substance use disorder. It can mean struggling with addiction. It can mean seeking recovery and maybe not even understanding fully what recovery is yet. It may be any point along the process of change or stages of change that your loved one is on. So they may not even say, hey, I want to be in recovery. That's not what seeking recovery is. Seeking recovery is a way that I like to speak life and truth over your people, over your person that might be struggling. So we can say our loved one is struggling with addiction, or our loved one is spiraling because of their drug use or alcohol use or fill in the blank, or we can say that they're seeking recovery. We can speak that over them. All right. That's a little aside. All right. Are we ready? Key points to consider. Number one, families can help their loved ones. This is so true, you all. I think we need to let go of some of these old terms like enabling, tough love, even codependency that have almost been weaponized against families. You all, if we love someone in or seeking recovery, we may be feeling a lot of hurt, shame, distrust, like the heaviness of that, right? We don't need to add guilt to that. We don't need to add this feeling like somehow something I'm gonna say or do is gonna help or harm them or cause them to use or cause them to hit rock bottom or worse. We can help our loved ones. And the research is clear around this. Research consistently points to the truth that when families are involved, their loved one is more likely. Listen to this. When families are involved, their loved one is more likely to engage in treatment and recovery support services and maintain recovery. Wow. You all research points to this fact that family engagement helps the person in or seeking recovery access treatment and maintain recovery over the long term. So when those of us have supportive family, now when I say family, it doesn't mean necessarily biological, okay? It can mean chosen family. It can mean church family, it can mean recovery family. When we have social support and supportive people in our life, that matters. We can help our loved ones. All right, number two, this is a good one. Helping ourselves helps too. Self-care or caring for ourselves when we have loved ones impacted by addiction is key. So whether we buy into this idea of lavender bath salts or more accurately seek support from other family members with lived experience, go to a support group, talk about it in your small group. Taking care of ourselves, getting social support will not only model how to care for ourselves to our loved ones, but also helps us show up in healthier ways. Wow. We need to take care of ourselves. This will actually help our loved ones too. Number three, another key point to consider, and hopefully this takes the pressure off you all, addiction is normal. All right, we used to feel like if we had addiction in our family, like there's something wrong with us, we're different. I remember feeling that way. No one else struggled with addiction like me, especially when I struggled as a young teen and 20-something. But that's just not true. Substance use and substance use disorders impact almost all families today. And with the advent of horrific, oh horrific synthetic opioids, fentanyl, xylazine, even legalizing substances that used to land us in jail, things like vape pens, oh my goodness, and an ongoing alcohol crisis that people don't always talk about, among countless others, among countless other things, we don't have to feel different for having to deal with the aftermath of addiction or supporting a loved one in recovery. Okay? We are not the odd ones out. Chances are, those of us who don't go through this are the odd ones out. Now, likely, if you're listening to this, you are impacted. And you're not the only one. You're not the only one. So when you feel like, oh, I can't talk about what's going on with my family, or you know, what's what are the neighbors gonna think, or you know, what's so-and-so at church gonna think? You know what? So-and-so at church is likely dealing with this too. It's okay to open up and talk about it. All right, number four, another key point to consider reframing is key to understanding. Reframing is key to understanding. All right, I'm gonna dig into this and explain a little bit more. Changing the way we talk about our loved ones, okay, when we reframe how we talk about them, when we change how we talk about them, this goes a long way in helping us to understand them. When we stop seeing our loved one as the addict or the alcoholic and not by their name, we can focus on their personhood and not one of the many characteristics about them. I talk a lot about this in my new book, When You Love Someone in Recovery. How do we talk about our loved one? How do we talk in a way that's not stigmatizing? How do we talk about them in a way that is supportive, that promotes an empathetic and compassionate view? I don't know about you, but I don't like to be identified with something about me, with a characteristic. Oh, there's Caroline, you know, oh, she's the author, or she's the ice cream maholic, or she's the twin mom. I love those things about me. I love being in recovery. I love being an ice cream eater, although sometimes it, you know, goes too far. I recognize that. Um I love, above all things, being a twin mom so much. I love being a mom. But I don't want to be identified with a characteristic about me. I'm Caroline. I'm Caroline. Again, I talk about this in my new book. And if you haven't gotten your copy yet, y'all, it's time. It's time. Um, it is officially available on April 7th. If you get the book now, if you're listening to it early, there's awesome pre-order bonuses. I narrated the audiobook too. So if you're not a reader of words and like pages holding pages or holding your Kindle, which books are awesome. Um, but I feel you. I feel you. I'm busy too. I love a good audiobook read and as I'm jogging or walking or doing laundry or driving in the minivan. I narrate the audiobook too. If you haven't gotten your copy, get it. I go into all of these, all of these points in more detail. All right, we ready? Number five. Treatment isn't the only way to get better. Ooh, this is a big one. This is a big deal. So I remember when I was a teen, really struggling with my substance use disorder. And my parents thought that I would go to treatment. For me at that time, it was inpatient treatment. 10 days was what the insurance paid for. I would go into treatment and I would learn all of these things and I would get sober and I would get well, and I would leave treatment 10 days later and I would be cured. I would be cured. It's just not how it works. You know, I think a lot of families struggle with, well, my family member's been to treatment five times, or, you know, they've done this and this, and nothing seems to work. They just must be a hopeless case. And a lot of families give up. And I get that. I understand that. And you know what? My family was there too. After the second time I went to inpatient, and the second time the insurance paid for 10 days of inpatient treatment, which I understand a lot of insurance companies are not paying for the treatment that we need, which is another conversation. We can have another day. It didn't work. Quote. It didn't quote work, right? But it did. It did. It just didn't look or work the way that my family understood treatment or recovery support to work. Treatment doesn't have to be a starting point for change, but for many of us it is. I am a huge advocate for treatment. I'm a managing editor for recovery.com and I do a lot of outreach for them and speaking. Recovery.com is an incredible place where you can go and you can look for the type of treatment, whether it's mental health or addiction treatment. You can compare options for what works for you. Maybe you're looking for women's only or trauma-informed support, specific type of treatment modality, cognitive behavioral therapy, for example. And then you can connect and you can talk directly with a human being. All right. No AI bots. Oh, those are so annoying. An actual human being. Okay. This isn't a call center. This isn't like a directory. Okay. This is a website where you can get help. So treatment is important. It is helpful, but it's not the only thing. It's often a starting point to change. Okay. It's often a starting point to change, but we also need more and different types of treatment over time. I have re-engaged in treatment countless times over the years. I had several months in recovery and I went back to outpatient treatment. I've done inpatient, outpatient, individual therapy. I've done all different types of therapy. I've gone back to therapy after over a decade in recovery because I had other mental health issues to address. Recovery is a continuum, and the type of treatment and support that we need over time exists on a continuum as well. We need different things at different times. So just because your loved one has been to treatment and maybe they haven't continued on in their recovery journey or they've had a setback, relapse, or recurrence abuse does not mean it's not working. Every time we get support, I believe a seed is planted. I believe that it's just another step along the journey where our loved one can get the help they need. Can get the help they need. Seeds being planted. All right. Next up, I think this is number six. Yep. Number six. Resistance to change is normal. All right. This kind of speaks to this last point too, right? Again, having this expectation that just because our loved one goes to treatment, instantly they'll be cured forever and, you know, no more substance use, no more everything's great. All mental health conditions gone, right? It is normal for healing to take time. I love to talk about this. Healing takes time. It takes time. And resistance to that change, especially if we've been using substances to cope with traumatic situations or mental health conditions, or we've just been using for so long, it's going to take time for our brains, bodies, minds, and spirits to heal. Resistance to change is normal. Just ask anyone who's tried to go on a diet. Right? Picture this, okay? And not saying this actually happened, but maybe it did. Imagine your significant other orders a piece of chocolate cake after dinner at a restaurant, and you had just decided to give up sugar. Oh, how could you, Matt? Oh, no, I'm just kidding. Math Mathman. Giving up sugar at that point feels very ill-timed, and that chocolate cake looks really good. It is normal to feel ambivalent about change. On the one hand, sometimes change sounds great. Yes, less sugar, more energy. Woo! And on the other hand, keeping the status quo, getting that fork in that fluffy cake feels much easier and more delightful, frankly, right? Unfortunately, in many treatment settings, resistance to change or ambivalence that can sometimes lead to a recurrence of use has led to this ineffective black or white thinking. And many programs end up refusing treatment for those who need it most. Recovery homes kicking out people for using, for example, you all, the very reason we need support in the first place. Remember, resistance of change is normal and it can lead to a recurrence of use. But that doesn't mean that our loved one's journey is over. It can just be part of a process. All right, and finally, y'all, the last key point I want to talk about today: change is possible. Change is possible. No matter where your loved one is on their journey, no matter where you are, if you're an affected family member or loved one listening today, as long as we are breathing, as long as today is today, and we've woken up to a brand new day. I'm looking out my office window right now, and the sun is shining on the Tennessee, Eastern Tennessee foothills, wherever you are waking up today. If today is today, change is possible. Change is possible. Don't give up hope for your loved one, no matter where they are. And if your loved one's in recovery, woo, celebrate that. Celebrate today with them. Send them a text. Say that, you know what? I love you. I'm so proud of you. Maybe they're not celebrating a recovery milestone, but you know what? Waking up every day, living a transformed life, living as a new creation, living in a healthy way where we can show up for our families and our communities and be of service and find a new deep purpose. Wow. Let us celebrate that. Let's celebrate that together. I hope these key points were helpful to you. Just a little taste of what I've shared in my new book, When You Love Someone in Recovery. If you can't tell, I've been talking like crazy about this book because it is coming on April 7th. Again, in audiobook, Kindle, paperback, however you buy your books, wherever you buy your books, it is available. Will you get your copy? And then, really importantly, I want to hear from you. Leave that Amazon review. Leave that Goodreads review. And I would love to hear from you personally. Send me a message. How is this book impacting you? Share it with your people. Tell someone you love about it. And if you're a person in recovery and you're like, you know what? After listening, Caroline, I think I am gonna share this episode with that person who loves me because I think this might be helpful for them to hear. Do it. Share it with someone you love. All right, friends, I am so grateful to be a part of your journey. And I am here for you. I am cheering for you. I am rooting you on. Like, wow. Why I do what I do, write books, all the things is for you because I believe in you. I believe in your recovery. I believe in your family's recovery. And I believe that when we live in recovery, when we live as new creations, when we live out our transformation, our changed lives, wow. Something beautiful happens and amazing. And we can walk in our purpose. And I believe what God has planned for us. And you know what? That's good. It's so good. All right, friends. It's been so nice connecting with you today. Have a beautiful rest of your day, and can't wait to connect again soon.

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Thanks for listening. For more resources, visit CarolineVidler.com.